Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Return - full transcript

Dilbert buys a computer over the Internet. He has it sent to work, but the delivery that the boss signs for is not what Dilbert ordered. When he calls to complain, he discovers that his own company provides support for the complaint line.

I'll feign interest and ask
you what you're doing,

but my subtext will
be, "I don't really care."

I'm trying to buy a
computer over the Internet.

So you're on the computer
trying to buy a computer

from, essentially,
another computer.

And your point is?

Who needs you?

What are you talking about?

Isn't it obvious?

You're letting the
computers take over.

You're a useless
appendage doomed to atrophy



and to finally disappear.

Stop turning this into
a science-fiction story.

I'm just trying to
buy a computer.

Ah, that's what they
want you to think.

What you're really doing

is helping computers
all around the world

link up to form a
colossal super-being.

Once it achieves consciousness,

I'd say the human race

has pretty much
served its purpose.

And I guess then the
computers will try to get rid of us?

Don't worry.

I have a plan to save humanity.

That's very noble of you.



When I say "save," I
mean as in "I save stamps"

or "I save old bottles."

Ooh, the 750A has a
vector cooling system,

but the 750B has
dynamic memory caching

and a modular backplane.

Why must I be forced to choose?

Can you live
without those things?

I don't see how that's possible.

Maybe I can order a
custom-designed model.

One of these...

One of those...

Can't live without that.

Oh, now that's a
home computer system.

The other engineers will
be forced to bow before me,

and it only costs, what...?

$27,000.

The other engineers won't
even know you have it.

They will if I have it
delivered to the office.

I'll give them some
time to drool over it

before I bring it home.

Hmm, travel miles...

vacation miles, phone miles...

Here it is. Medical miles.

I almost have enough miles
to get a free hernia operation,

not necessarily when I need it,

but whenever they
have the excess capacity.

Still, it's a good deal.

Do you ever worry about putting

your credit card
information on the Internet?

That is the most
ridiculous question

I have ever heard.

It is no riskier to use
your credit card online

than to use it in any store.

Uh, make sure you sign the back.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

I hear you have excellent rates.

It's got redundant raid
drives, four terabits each,

three-millisecond
access time, built-in DSL,

wireless game ports,
flat-panel 30-inch monitor...

Wow!

Truly, you have ordered

the finest home computer
known to mankind.

Well, I don't know
if it's the finest ever.

Can I touch it if I
wash my hands first?

Especially this one!

I'll have to think about that.

That's all I ask!

What are you going to name it?

Don't be silly.

Come on, what's its name?

Bill.

Excuse me.

Don't worry, I do the same thing

almost every time I
get in the elevator.

I don't know if it's
the motion or what.

I'm looking for
someone named Dilbert.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

I have a package for him.

I'll sign for it.

"Is the package complete
and exactly what you ordered?"

Looks about right.

Your name is Eunice?

That's an alias I use
when I go line-dancing.

I didn't know you needed
an alias to line-dance.

You do when you
kick as hard as I do.

There's a big box by the
elevators with your name on it.

Why would an elevator
have my name on it?

You may use my house
key to tear open the box.

It has very sharp teeth.

No, we need the
right tools for the job.

I once killed a
coyote with this key.

It was very small.

It might have been a potato.

I have just the thing.

The T300 pocketknife.

The T300 is old
technology, my friend.

Gaze upon the T400.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya!

That doesn't look like

the next generation
of computing to me!

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course it's...

That's not what I ordered.

It's old technology!

To think I once respected you.

Now the notion
fills me with disgust.

Oh, where have all the
cowboys gone, indeed?

Don't write me off yet.

This is clearly their mistake,
and they will rectify it.

Mark my words.

If you would like to
start over, press 61.

Any luck?

I don't believe in luck.

That's good,

because if you did,
you wouldn't have any.

You've been on hold for an hour.

I'm not on hold.

I'm waiting for the
right menu choice.

If you want to
speak to a live...

recording, press 63.

If you want to speak
with a representative...

of congress, press 64.

Tease.

No good choices yet?

Number 46 was promising,
but I don't speak Mandarin

and I'm not inquiring
about a tractor.

Dang, I didn't hear that one.

That might have been the one.

It's never the one.

You think it's the one,

but it's just the one that
gives you more choices

that aren't the one.

Comp-U-Comp can't
hide from me forever.

I'll find a live
person to talk to.

What if they don't
have any live people?

They have to have people.

Not necessarily.

They could automate the ordering

and billing systems

and outsource all of the
manufacturing functions.

Are you trying to tell me

that the world has already
been taken over by computers

and we just don't know it?

Let's examine the evidence.

So far, you've ordered a
computer on a computer

from a computer, and now
you're listening to a computer.

Where are the humans?

Show me the humans.

If you'd like to sleep
with me, press 73...

I see no humans in this process.

Well, that's just crazy.

Wait, this might be it.

If you would like to speak
with an unmotivated employee

of a fulfillment house that
we pay to take your calls,

press 74.

Aha! People!

Thank you for calling...

uh, Comp-Puke-Comp...

or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp...

I believe it's Comp-U-Comp.

What are you calling me
for if you know so much?

Before I get to that,

first of all, may I
have your name?

That way they know
they're accountable.

Uh, my name is...

Uh...

Hold... Hold'em.

Hold'em Callfielder.

Aha. Yes.

Well, then, Mr. Callfielder,

I'm sure you want to make your
customer satisfied, don't you?

Yeah, it's all I live for...
That, my minimum wage,

and the hope that global
warming kills all the rich people first.

I'll take that as a yes.

Anyway, I would like to return
the computer you sent me

and get the correct model.

Well, according to our records,

A "Eunice" says the
computer was the right one.

I don't know any Eunice.

I used to line-dance
with a Eunice...

until the day she showed
up wearing steel-toed boots.

Right. Well, the point is,
you owe me a new computer.

I'm not authorized
to approve that.

Then I'd like to speak
with your supervisor.

All right.

I'm getting a supervisor.

I'm moving up the chain.

Hello. This is the supervisor.

My name is Callin'...

Callin' Holdenphone.

Can you approve sending
me the computer I ordered?

Oh, no, I can only do

what my computer
screen tells me to do.

Well, can you talk to someone
who can make a decision?

Uh, there isn't
anybody like that.

No one exists who can override

the information on
the computer screen?

I think I just said that,
only using different words.

Look, I'm going to
go down to your office.

We don't have one.

Warehouse? No.

Headquarters? Uh-uh.

Well, you must be somewhere.

Where are you located?

Uh, I'm not allowed to
give out that information.

Have a nice day.

Well, Dilbert,

I see you're in on
this little scam too.

What scam?

This is the post office.

If you know the secret password,

they give you free merchandise.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

The secret password
is "Bob Johnson."

If you say "Bob Johnson,"

sometimes they'll go in the back

and get a package for you.

It also works with "Jim Smith,"

but you have to get here early.

Don't they ask you for ID?

They know me here.

They really know how
to make me feel wanted.

I'd like to mail this package.

Next!

Bob Johnson.

No can do.

"No can do"?

You used regular adhesive tape.

Can't you read the sign?

No.

That's unacceptable
postal packaging.

I'll have no part of it.

Couldn't you just put
some regulation tape on it?

You've got a whole
roll of it right there.

Here you go. I'll
pretend I didn't hear that.

See you next week.

I'll find it and I'll return
that piece of junk in person.

Come on, you
cowardly uber-computer,

show yourself.

Looks like somebody's
not working.

I'm working.

I didn't say it was you.

Nothing but post
office mailboxes.

It's as if Comp-U-Comp
doesn't even exist.

Uh, thank you for
calling... Comp-U-Comp.

How may I help you?

Are you telling me we're
the Comp-U-Comp company?

No, we're just the
fulfillment center.

I'm not allowed to tell you
where Comp-U-Comp is.

Greetings, boys.

Would you mind pointing me
in the direction of my office?

It's him... Eunice!

No! No, don't let
him kick me again!

I'll tell you where
Comp-U-Comp is.

I'll tell you everything!

Shouldn't we be working?

He's right, you know.

It's a question of
appropriateness.

There it is!

I don't see any people.

There has to be
someone here someplace.

Halt!

Who dares to gaze

upon the magnificent
Comp-U-Comp?

Hi. I'm Dilbert and these are...

It's a rhetorical
question; I don't care.

Well, then who do I talk to

about returning this computer?

Silence!

Their customer service
leaves something to be desired.

Silence?

Who do you think you are?

Who am I?

Where were you
three seconds ago?

Get the wax out of
your ears, human.

A problem, I might add,
computers don't suffer from.

I am Comp-U-Comp
the magnificent.

I am created from the synthesis

of worldwide computers
networked together.

So it's true.

You bet your ass...

Something else
computers don't have.

Okay, then you should be
able to take back this computer

and give me the right one.

The cow does not
order the farmer around.

Good point there.

That is not a good point.

Comp-U-Comp is just a computer,

not some superior form of life.

I am your servant,
oh, mighty one!

Silence!

Leave here now.

I'm not some clerk.

Perhaps you weren't listening.

I am Comp-U-Comp!

I heard you,

but I'm not leaving

until you exchange
this computer,

and I'm not believing

you're some kind
of superior life-form.

Perhaps we could settle this
with some sort of competition.

Fine. We'll see if you're
superior to humans

by having a little competition.

That was my idea.

You're doing nothing
but imitating me.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe it's you
who is imitating me.

Very mature, Dilbert.

Good job representing
our species.

Best two out of three events.

You pick them.

If I win, you take
this computer back

and give me the one I ordered.

If you win, I agree you're
a superior form of life.

What's this penny-ante crap?

You're playing
Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.

If you win, I'll take
the computer back

and give you the
one you ordered,

but if I win,

I download your brains
and dispose of your bodies.

I really want that
computer I ordered.

All right. Deal.

Deal!

Too late... it's a deal.

All right, first,
I pick chess...

Big surprise.

And badminton...

Badminton?

Badminton's fun. You
don't like badminton?

No, no, I love it.

And Scrabble!

Dogbert...

This better be important.

My life depends on it.

Dogbert, seriously...

I love doing that.

I need you to bring some things

from the house... chess board...

Beverages.

Badminton set...

Beverages.

Scrabble board...

Beverages.

My sneakers...

Beverages.

All right!

Beverages.

I have already calculated
4 billion potential outcomes.

Guess how many of
those has you winning.

That's right... none.

Hey, I didn't jabber when you
were trying to make a move.

Do you know how many ways

the human body can
spontaneously malfunction

resulting in instant death?

Seven million.
Can't let it get to me.

Does anyone feel itchy?
Seems very itchy in here.

Stupid mind games.

Have you ever wondered what
happens when humans die?

I know the answer.

All I'm saying
is... big surprise.

Rook to queen four.

Checkmate.

You have proven
you are inferior.

That's only one event.

We're not done yet.

Close the door.

You're letting in a draft.

Looks like a tough
job you have here.

Oh, I'll say.

Talk about dull.

You ever try making small
talk with Comp-U-Comp?

And arrogant.

You'd think he wouldn't mind

talking sports or TV
once in a while, you know,

but what with controlling
the world and all,

he just can't be bothered.

"I can't.

I got to fix the stock market."

"I can't.

I got to start a war."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know what it's like
working for a computer?

He don't eat.

He don't sleep.

He don't get sick.

So you can imagine
my benefits package.

I'm the last human
being in this company.

I'll bet you're thirsty.

Well, I wouldn't mind
wetting my whistle.

Go, human beings!

Whoo-hoo!

Ah...

Oh, that's good.

What happens if
the plug gets pulled?

Oh, nothing much.

If Comp-U-Comp loses power,

the world will come
to an end, that's all.

Another?

Uh... don't mind if I do.

That's 20 to 19.

Take that...

And that...

And that.

Do you think
Dilbert will realize

if he hits it softly,

it won't bounce
all the way back?

Maybe someone should yell that.

Shut up! No coaching!

Do over! Do over!

Do over?

You were on the line.

No, I wasn't.

Uh, I wasn't ready.

Yes, you were.
You're always ready.

Uh, I hurt my leg.

Ow! Ow!

You don't have a leg.

Stop being a crybaby.

Tie score.

Ooh...

Well, that soda goes
right through me.

Have you ever been
to Niagara Falls?

It's beautiful
this time of year.

Oh, boy.

We're all tied up...
One event apiece.

Scrabble shall
determine the victor.

Intern... Yes?

Put all my letters in
the middle of the board.

That's not a word.

It will be in a minute.

After the hurricane,

the streets were covered with...

wipqozn.

I hope I'm
pronouncing that right.

Do you challenge?

You're letting our
entire species down,

you moron!

Do the insults help?

It can't hurt.

You... stupid putz.

But the best thing
about the ocean

is that on a clear night

you can see thousands
of stars tinkling.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

My, my, my, my.

Oh, wow.

Hey, promise you won't
let anyone pull that plug?

If you do, the whole
world will come to an end.

I promise.

Oh, gee, that's right...

There's no bathroom
in this darned building.

Luckily, his legs were crossed
when I made that promise.

I am Comp-U-Comp
the magnificent.

I am Comp-U...
Comp... the magnificent.

I... am Comp...

U... Comp...

The...

That's the one I ordered.

Hmm... did you feel something?

No.

You should probably have
that checked out by a doctor.

I am...

Comp-U-Comp... the magnificent.

I am Comp-U-Comp the...

Well... I think I
proved my point.

How about a game of Wiffle ball?

Ping-Pong?

Knock hockey?

How about shuffleboard?
It can be very challenging.

Yee-haw!

The hernia operation
was a success.

I'll be up and
around in no time.

But you didn't have a hernia.

No, but it seemed such a
waste not to use the miles.

In breaking news,

the giant Comp-U-Comp
company is in deep wipqozn

after a general power failure.

A new CEO was named today...

Bob Johnson...

Also known as Jim Smith,

also known as Eunice.

In an unexpected move,

he vowed to loot the
assets of the company

and, as he put it, "skedaddle."

Well, it all worked
out for the best.

We didn't need any
superior life-forms.

That's right.

We like it the way
things are right now.

Each of us is exactly
as superior as the next,

no more, no less.

Is, uh, anyone going
to eat that last napkin?