Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Assistant - full transcript

Who has that much fun?

What kind of idiot can
have that much fun?

Is he oblivious or
just plain stupid?

You know, I have
excellent hearing.

You can speak much, much lower.

Hey, wait a minute.

That's Jerrold, my
old work colleague.

Now it all makes sense.

He is an idiot.

Well, well, if it isn't my
old co-worker, Dilbert.

Hey, old buddy,
how they hanging?



I'd rather not answer that.

Suit yourself.

I haven't seen you

since you got fired for
gross incompetence.

Well, as you can see,

incompetence is paying
very well these days.

I'm revving too.

You just can't hear it
because it's an electric car.

Yeah?

Mine's not!

You seem to be doing very well.

What kind of drugs
are you dealing?

Oh, I'm still an engineer

just like you.



Ouch.

You are?

It's too bad you
stayed at your company

instead of trying the
open market for engineers.

We're quite in demand,
as you can see... and hear.

I'm revving again.

At my new job,

I've made millions
in stock options.

It's casual day every day...

Beer blasts on Fridays...

I get free massages
at my desk...

A mahogany desk,

which happens to
be in a private office!

Come on, turn already.

Eat my dust, Turtle-boy!

You can pull into
the intersection.

No cops for miles.

You can't violate the law

just because you know
you won't get caught.

Trust me, that's the best time.

Mommy!

Down periscope.

The weird thing is
that I'm jealous of him

and yet I hate him,

which means if I
became like him,

I would hate myself.

Logically, then, I must
want to hate myself.

I'll make the engine noise
if you just shut up and drive.

Deal.

Vroom...

Vroom...

Vroom...

Do you think I'm a loser

because I stay with my company?

Yes.

It's just that one reason.

Thank you.

I think.

Engine...

Oh, sorry.

Vroom, vroom.

Vroom.

So, just because

he's got millions
in stock options

and lives a life of
wealth and opulence

essentially doing
the same job I do

doesn't mean he's happy,

and even if he is
happy, is that the goal?

Good point... touche.

Now, get out.

I come here every day

because I'm
challenged by my job.

I find a sense of fulfillment

that no material
object could ever...

Don't wait up.

I can never make it do that.

Hey, be careful with the car!

I ran into Jerrold, our
old co-worker, yesterday.

The only person ever to be fired

from this company
for incompetence?

He's working for some
other company now.

What's that?

It is an old sponge.

On my salary as an intern,

I cannot afford
to waste anything.

I didn't know a person
could live on sponges.

This one has absorbed
many food-related stains.

It would be a shame
to throw it away.

Mm... mm...

As I was saying,

Jerrold is making a fortune
working for this other company.

Dishwater from last night.

It makes a delicious beverage.

So I'm wondering if
we're missing the boat

by staying at this company.

Excuse me.

According to Jerrold,

engineers are worth
a lot of money now.

We could leave this place

and be treated like rock stars.

I don't know who
this Jerrold fellow is,

but there are no
engineering jobs

outside this company...

None, zero, zippo, Zorro, mulch.

You lost me on "Zorro."

You've never heard of Zorro?

Not in this context.

You ought to try reading
a book once in a while.

I think you're lying.

All right, you got me. I've
never read a book either.

I also have no
idea who Zorro is.

No, I mean about
the engineering jobs.

Really? How can you tell?

When you lie... you're bald.

As I was saying,

there are no other
engineering jobs anywhere.

May I ask why you're
wearing a lobster bib?

And why don't we ever
see managers eating

in the cafeteria?

Where do you go to eat?

Managers don't eat.

Come on! Work with me!

I think the managers have

some sort of secret
executive dining room.

That is the most
ridiculous thing

I have ever... if you...

An executive dining room?

Get a load of...

Well, I never...

Sorry, wrong vending machine.

You're late.

Were you followed?

They don't suspect
a thing... Good.

But there's been a
breach in security.

The engineers found
out they can get jobs

at other companies.

How could that happen?

Brewster, we still control
the media, don't we?

Yes, thanks to our
generous advertising budget.

And we know the
engineers have no friends

to tell them of
the outside world?

I overheard them say

It came from someone
named "Jerrold."

Last name?

I didn't catch it.

Have everyone named
Jerrold killed immediately.

Is that Gerald with a
G or Jerrold with a J?

Can you just kill
them all phonetically?

Right away, sir.

I have the same
problem with clams.

By the time I eat a
dozen of those little guys,

I'm exhausted.

You have trouble
opening the shells?

Wh... wh... wh...

Clams have shells?

Okay, people, first
order of business...

The J.F.K. Assassination.

Do we have a status report?

As you know, our marketing
stunt in November of '63

wherein we assassinated
President Kennedy

to bring attention to
our line of pillbox hats

has continued to have
unforeseen repercussions.

"Repercussions," you say?

You know, I play the drums.

Oh, really? Oh, really, you do?

Well, it's not so much playing

as it is hitting
them with a stick.

At least, that's what I
would do if I had drums.

That's what they're
for, you know.

You know, sometimes,
I think it might be wrong

to manipulate world events
just to sell women's hats.

Very funny.

You got me again.

But, seriously, what about
this problem with the engineers?

We have reports

of headhunters with
lucrative job offers

getting through the radar.

Yes?

Hello... phone number 555-0172.

Are you or anyone
you know an engineer?

I'm an engineer.

Ka-ching!

I'm an executive recruiter.

Did you know that as an engineer

you can get a better
job at another company

with your own
personal climbing wall,

complimentary tai chi classes,
and unlimited cappuccino,

and I can get $20,000
for making this phone call?

Our company newsletter says

there are no jobs
at other companies.

If we leave here, we'll die
a slow and horrible death.

It's all described
in the sidebar.

No, no. They're
just saying that.

We have a security breach.

It's a headhunter.
I'm tracing his call.

Got him.

Dispatch him in the usual way.

Very good, sir.

Hello? Hello?

Hmm... must've
lost the connection.

Yes, but the damage is done.

They've heard about
the outside world.

Maybe we could
bribe them to stay.

You know, give
them one of those...

uh... you know...
one of those, uh...

Climbing walls?

No, no.

Uh, tai chi classes?

No!

Cappuccino makers?

Uh-uh. Increase in pay?

Yes! That's it.

I love guessing games.

Oh, what number
am I thinking of?

Nah, never
mind... it's a letter.

No, no, it's not
that serious yet.

That's absolutely a
last-ditch measure.

First, let's try promoting
one of the engineers

to management.

This will give them
all a false impression

that they have a "career
path" with this company.

But who?

Upon whom shall we
bestow such a lofty mantle?

What did he say?

He said "who"?

This darn machine never works.

Nobody ever fixes it.

There's your new manager.

Should we give him the soda?

Nah...

Dilbert, I've decided

to promote you to management.

What? Why?

I didn't do anything wrong.

At least nothing
that you know about.

It's our way of
showing the engineers

that there is a career
path at this company.

No need to go sniffing
around on the outside.

I don't want to be a manager.

I'm trying to do
something nice for you.

Well, stop it. I don't like it.

All right.

You drive a hard bargain.

I shouldn't do this,

but I'm assigning
you an assistant.

How about that?

Let's hear you squawk now.

I don't want an assistant.

I don't need an assistant.

I just want to be an engineer.

Think of it as a perk.

No need to thank me.

Alfonso!

Dilbert, this is Alfonso,

your new assistant.

Yeah. Can I take the
rest of the week off?

I have allergies.

You just started.

Ooh! Crack the whip.

Old Zeke.

I thought you were dead.

Technically, yeah,
but I need the money,

so I'll keep working.

I got the strangest call today.

Some guy claimed there are jobs

for engineers
outside this company.

I think he was a nut.

Oh, there are engineering jobs

outside this company, all right.

Yeah, I seen them.

Really?

Those other companies,

they treat an engineer
like a prize pig.

I'd like to be treated

like a prize pig.

I've always wanted to
wear a ribbon and oink.

But I don't think

I could ever find
another company

that didn't insist
I actually work.

I have a pretty good
arrangement here.

It doesn't hurt to try.

That hasn't been my experience.

Whenever I try, it hurts.

I know, I know.

You got me.

That's just something I say.

And you know what else?

A watched pot does boil.

Yeah, I tried it.

Maybe I should at least
go to some interviews.

It would be nice to have
someone treat me with respect.

They'll wine and dine you

and tell you how
wonderful you are.

Then you can turn them down

before they make you work.

Wow, it's like being
a pretty woman.

I've always wanted
to be a pretty woman.

More than a prize pig?

You don't get it, do you?

Don't look now,

but there's something
following you.

That something is
my new assistant.

I forgot his name.

And so it begins.

Assistant?

Engineers don't have assistants.

Only managers have assistants.

Uh... I got promoted
to management.

You did?

Not Wally or me?

Wally?

I used Wally's name

to camouflage my
own selfish ambitions.

You want to be management?

I don't want you to be.

You try to boss me around,

and they'll have to remove
that assistant from you

with forceps.

You got me?

Well, looks like someone

got promoted to management.

There but for the
grace of God...

I don't see why he
gets an assistant

and we don't.

I thought you were my assistant.

I am not your assistant!

I just do all the work
that you don't do

because you're
too lazy to do it,

and otherwise it
wouldn't get done.

It's a fine line.

As God is my witness,

I will have an
assistant some day.

Well, make sure
you get a good one.

I don't want someone

doing a bad job on your work

that was originally my work.

Wally, you're a real original,

but just for the heck of it,

let's see if we can make a copy.

Help! Help!

Guess not.

Paper jam!

Hey, is it okay

if I bring my piano to work?

No, that is not okay.

What if somebody else
brings it in, and I just play it?

How about that?

You're supposed
to be helping me,

not making my life a burden

with your annoying requests.

Well, excuse me for not
having a written job description.

I believe that's your
job to give me one.

You're my assistant.

How hard is that to understand?

You assist me.

If you told me to stick my
head in a pile of manure,

I wouldn't do that.

That wouldn't be assisting me.

Oh, yes. You're right.

You're always right.

I'm just the assistant.

Okay.

What if a piano just
sort of showed up?

Would that be okay?

No piano!

Is this a bad time
to talk about a raise?

I want you to make
Asok my assistant.

If I made Asok your assistant,
it would destroy his tiny ego.

So you'll do it?

I'll need more than that.

Help me help you.

All right, let's see.

It would breed resentment

throughout the entire
employee population?

Uh-huh.

Nice.

You make a strong case.

Are you thinking?

No, I'm toying with you.

All right, I'll do it...
On one condition.

Name it.

I have to be there

to hear him scream
when you tell him.

Deal.

Hi. I'm an engineer.

Code blue.

I repeat, code blue.

Yes, a company jet. What else?

Hmm. Did I say a llama?

Yes.

Did I say a company
jet for my llama?

Would you consider
sharing your company jet

with your llama?

Share a jet with a llama?

That's crazy talk.

I'm outta here.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, yes. Jet for your llama.

Stop moving your
head around so much.

Well, the paperwork is done.

You're my assistant now.

What?

Read and weep.

No!

Who wants to start the
weekly status reports?

I will.

This week, I discovered
a glorious world

outside this company,

a world where engineers
are treated like gods.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Despite what you read in
the company newsletter,

engineers are in high
demand at other companies.

No, they aren't.

I would have taken another job,

but negotiations broke
down over one point.

They expected you to work?

Exactly.

Fortunately, I was too clever

to fall for the old
bait-and-switch,

but I kept the llama.

And what is your name again?

It's, uh... Allen.

Allen.

Okay, who's next?

I spent the entire week

trying to manage
my new assistant.

Thursday, for example,

was consumed by our debate

on how bad a haircut has to be

before you can take
a sick day to recover.

I contend it has
to sever an artery.

I spent the week plotting

to make Asok my assistant.

My status does not matter.

I am only an assistant.

So let me get this straight.

None of you dad-blasted
flibbertigibbets

did any work this week?

Don't tell me you're jumping
on that bandwagon too.

Next week, I'll
get a lot done...

now that I have

the best assistant
in the department.

I don't know about that.

My assistant is plenty capable.

Your assistant is pathetic.

He is not pathetic.

My assistant can
beat your assistant

at anything anywhere!

Just name the time and place.

Is this really a wise idea?

What did I tell you before?

Everything I do is
a reflection on you.

Maybe you'd like to
have a little wager.

Maybe I would.

Two assistants go in,

but only one comes out unmarked.

I'm afraid.

If you win this,

you can have the
piano in the office.

I don't play.

You know the rules.

You realize I never even wanted

to have an assistant.

Neither did I,

but I couldn't stand the thought

of you getting a leg up on me.

I'm loathe to admit it,

but I felt the same way.

I guess we were
both pretty petty.

I guess we were.

Oh, well.

Begin!

I will mark you so bad!

Not if I mark you first!

So how do you like
being a manager?

Well, I accomplished nothing

except toying with the
lives of innocent people

for my own amusement.

That's my favorite part too.

Could I just go back
to being an engineer?

I think I've made my point

that engineers
have a career path.

There was a point to all this?

How about that?

You call yourself an assistant?

You're fired!

Go back to being an intern.

Oh, thank you.

I think we all learned

a valuable lesson this week.

Not me.

I learned not to keep
a llama in my cubicle.

You mean that new
stench isn't you?

No, we learned that it's
not perks or promotions

that keep us at our jobs.

It's loyalty and
love of our work.

The passion that we as engineers

approach each day with.

Dilbert, Dilbert.

Uh... yes?

I appreciate your
heartfelt sentiments.

And, with that in mind,
I'm decreasing your pay,

cutting your benefits,
and increasing your hours.

Everybody, back to work!

That's exactly my point.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I really don't care.

We have another
security problem.

This time, an
employee named Allen.

I didn't catch

the last name.

Have everyone named
Allen killed immediately.

Right away, sir.

Wait a minute!

My name is Allen!

Did anyone else just
lose their appetite?

No, no. Not me.

Absolutely not.

Me neither.