Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Gift - full transcript

Dilbert tries to get a birthday gift for his mother. In desperation, he goes to the mall. The mall holds bad memories for him since when he was a child his father took him there and left him abandoned.

Get out of bed.

Resistance is futile.

Wake up and assimilate the day.

Get out of bed.

Resistance is futile.

Wake up and assimilate the day.

I wonder if I could ever
date a woman like Jeri Ryan.

That too is futile.

Okay, that's enough out of you.

Do not touch me.

Then how do I turn you off?



Believe me, I am plenty
turned off right now.

Clock tease.

Whoa!

Dogbert, why are you
trying to kill the mailman?

I'm just seeing how
much he can carry.

He's up to seven
times his own weight.

Neither rain nor sleet nor...

Oh, the hell with that... help!

I'd put an end to
this cruel game

except we're saving a
fortune on heating bills.

What makes these gift catalogs?

Doesn't anything
qualify as a gift

if you give it to someone?

I think they mean
it's stuff you wouldn't



in a million years
buy for yourself.

If you wouldn't
buy it for yourself,

then who needs
someone to buy it for you?

It's the thought that counts.

On that same topic, it's your
mother's birthday next week.

Oh, no, not again.

So soon?

It seems like only a year ago

I was giving her
something she hates.

Help! I can't swim!

You're not going to drown.

You're just covered
with catalogs.

Then, uh, help! I can't read!

Why don't you get your
mom something from the mall?

No!

Oh, yes, I forgot.

The unspeakable
event from your youth.

Don't you think it's
time you got over that?

I'm sure I can find the
perfect present for mom

without leaving this couch.

Today, we'll be featuring our
special line of moonconium gems,

as black and sooty
as real moon rocks.

Plus, they're guaranteed
for three months.

Moonconium?

But first,

the latest in high-tech
surveillance equipment,

straight from the
tattered remains

of the cash-desperate
former K.G.B.

Hand me the phone.

My mother does not want
spy gear for her birthday.

It's not for her;
it's to use on her.

We'll find out exactly
what she wants.

It's wrong.

But I would like an excuse
to buy some spy equipment.

This is insane.

Wait, target in motion.

She's headed for the den.

Yes, officer,
there's two of them.

A big one and a small one.

I don't know what they're doing,

but they've been
out there for hours.

I think they might be aiming
some kind of ray at my house.

I suppose they
could be terrorists

now that you mention it.

Or maybe our own people.

I've written some
strong letters to the fed

about monetary policy.

All right, I think we've
gathered enough intelligence.

Stop and we'll shoot!

Stop and we'll shoot?

If you're going to shoot
why should we stop?

Well, it would be
a lot easier for us.

The targets at the
shooting range don't run.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That if I get a
head start running,

your body will shield me
from the spray of bullets?

Hold your fire. They're running.

Asok, could you clean that up?

Uh! I am an engineering
intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.

Alice, could you clean
up the coffee spill?

Our intern has suddenly
discovered dignity.

Sure. No problem.

I don't mind.

See? She doesn't have a...

There you go.

Why don't you just get
your mom a gift certificate?

No, I got her cash last year.

She said it was insulting.

A gift certificate is
completely different from cash.

No, it's not.

They're both pieces of
paper you can exchange

for goods and services.

You're missing the point.

Actually, a gift certificate
is worse than cash,

because you can
only use it in one place.

And it expires.

At least it shows some thought.

It shows defective thought.

You're trading
perfectly good money

for something that
does the same thing,

only not as well.

Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.

Shut up.

Why do you not go to
the mall of shopping?

Yeah, Dilbert, why don't
you just get her something

at the mall?

Dilbert, you okay?

I'm totally fine.

What are you accusing me of?

Everyone's afraid of something.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, back to work.

You know, if we try to
get to the bottom of this,

it could kill the whole morning.

And yet it would
look exactly like work

to the casual observer.

I'm in.

Come on, Dilbert,
it's me, your old pal.

What's the point of
an office friendship

if you don't expose
each other's weaknesses

and then ridicule them?

He's right, Dilbert.

All most of us have to
get us through the day

is knowing that we're slightly
better than somebody else.

Fine. Fine!

I'll tell you why I'm...
uncomfortable going to the mall.

It all happened when
I was five years old.

My father took me to
the mall for the first time.

Daddy, I think those
machines are calling me.

Ooh... ooh! Ooh.

When we get home
I'll see if there's

some sort of prescription
drug to dull your spirit,

but right now we need to
buy your mother a birthday gift.

All you can eat.

All you can eat.

We'll see about that.

Oh... ooh... oh...

Daddy?

Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

What's the matter, little boy?

Are you lost?

Where are your parents?

Did they leave you all alone?

No, no my father's over...

Where? What does he look like?

He-he looks big and, uh,
he's got a hat, he's... Daddy?

Daddy?

Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

And I never saw my father again.

I will take you to
the mall, Dilbert.

I will help you
find your father,

and I will buy some
batteries while I'm there.

Wally, this is so unlike you.

Why are you offering to help me?

I'm out of batteries.

It just came in the mail.

It's the greatest breakthrough
in market research since the...

Other one.

I was going to say other one.

You boys from marketing
have done it again.

You're like the three...

Guys from marketing who
bring us things like this.

Does it get HBO?

According to the directions

you just strap it on
some sucker's head,

and it records his
excitement level

when exposed to
various shopping stimuli.

We need to test it out
on someone who shops.

I.E. A "shopper."

Oh.

This is so sexist.

I am not the only person
in this room who shops.

Where'd you get the
clothes you're wearing?

I won these
clothes in a contest.

I always pick up
an extra suitcase

at the airport luggage carousel.

We're wearing his hand-me-downs.

Sometimes I just
find stuff after I talk!

Ooh.

Oh, just give me
that stupid thing.

Time to see how
my stocks are doing.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

If you know the name of
the movie you'd like to see,

press one.

I... B... M...

You have purchased
tickets for Gruesome Carnage

at the Bigmall Cineplex.

If this purchase is
correct, press one.

I... B... M...

Thank you.

Oh, the heck with this.

This thing never works anyway.

Maybe I'll duck out
and catch a flick.

Hmm, Gruesome Carnage
is at the Bigmall Cineplex.

I'm there.

I can't believe
I've finally returned

to the source of all
my childhood angst.

I feel like this is where I'll
either conquer my demons

or be destroyed by them.

You got any gum?

Ah! Is that so you don't
have to confront your fear?

This, my friend,

is the latest in virtual-reality
parking technology.

If there's a parking
space in here, I'll find it.

What's wrong with
following someone

with a bunch of
packages to their car?

Too risky.

And...

There... the perfect spot.

Could somebody
hit three, please?

Uh, let's see.

We're here.

We are?

Aren't we?

I suppose.

I could be wrong.

If we're not here,
then where are we?

And if we are here

where is here?

Isn't here there?

I would think here is here.

You would.

Here's there.

There's here.

This isn't working.

I told you we should
buy the oxygen

not just the masks.

I just can't bring
myself to buy oxygen.

Uh, this is us.

Hey, that's the J-400 model.

That's the same one I have.

That'll cut through a limb

like it's a roll of
cookie dough.

Once, I was giving
myself a haircut

and I darn near severed my...

Will you shut up?

Uh, Wally, I think we're
about to be attacked.

Oh, don't worry
about the natives.

"Natives"?

Yeah. They're the mall natives.

They're a primitive
society that live in the mall.

Why do they live in the mall?

Legend has it they came

for the early
morning power walks

and just stayed.

Barnes and Nobles,
Payless, Bigboy.

Nordstrom Discount,
Spencer Gift.

He says you look familiar.

He does?

Who do I look like?

Uh, let's see, uh...

Natural Wonders,
Gap Kids, Waldenbook?

Uh, See's Candy...
J.C. Penney...

J. Crew... Hot dog On A Stick...

J. Crew... Body Shop...

Limited... Limited Too...

Montgomery Ward...

Limited Too... Disney Store...

Wetzels Pretzels.

They say there's a legend

of a man who
looks a lot like you

living at the mall,

not because he can't escape,

but because he likes it here.

Cineplex Odeon!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, Cineplex!

Cineplex Odeon!
Cineplex! Cineplex!

Do they know where
the Red Oyster is?

Do they know how to get there?

Mm... Blockbuster Video, A.T.M.

Restoration Hardware, Lens
Crafters, Robinson Mayu?

Sbarro! Sbarro!

They fear the food court.

Great.

Gap for Kids! Sears Roebuck!

Victoria's Secret!

That's right, fear it...

A $50,000 spending
limit and just 7.4% interest.

Ooh, that was a good one.

I'll bet you can't
fling that nun

into the decorative fountain.

I couldn't do that.

Oh.

It's a simple matter
of aerodynamics.

You'd never get the
distance with the nun...

But you see this next guy?

With the huge pants?

He'll glide like
a flying squirrel.

Yo, this is totally spodatious!

Hey...

Do it again, do it again.

All right, one more.

Why are people
flying off the escalator?

And what happened to Dogbert?

And why do I think those
questions are related?

We must not concern ourselves

with questions beyond our realm.

Now, we must focus
on the task at hand.

We're lost.

I'm going to ask directions.

Excuse me.

This is all we have as
far as you're concerned.

I'm not here to shop.

I need directions to the
Red Oyster Restaurant.

Go out that way, turn left...

Yes, "turn left"...

And don't come back.

Thanks.

Alice is excited by the prospect

of purchasing those shoes.

This can't be right.

I'm an engineer.

I wear shoes to protect my feet,

not because they look pretty.

Shut up!

If we go down this hall,

leap off the mezzanine
onto the custom t-shirt cart,

then we can drop a rope,
swing into Victoria's Secret,

and set up camp for the night.

Daddy?

Daddy!

Alice! Wally! Asok!

What's the matter with him?

Drunk.

Maybe he just seems drunk.

Maybe he's got that disease.

Alcoholism?

Yeah, that's it.

All you can eat.

All... you... can... eat.

Dad?

Dilbert. Is that you?

Yes! It's me!

Dad, what are you doing here?

Quite simply... I'm not done.

But why continue?

Why not just come home?

I can't, son.

I know it's hard to understand,

but it's "all you can eat".

I don't understand.

Why is that so important to you?

In the beginning, it
was just a challenge.

Man against buffet.

Human pitted against
an ever-changing array

of hot and cold dishes,

but I can't give up now, son.

What would you think of me then?

Couldn't you call it a draw?

I mean, you put
up a heck of a fight.

I thought about it,

but it became more
than a contest of wills.

"All you can eat"
isn't just a pricing plan.

It's a philosophy,
a way of life.

A commitment.

And we must honor
our commitments.

Remember, Dilbert, at
the "all you can eat" buffet,

the only obstacle is yourself,

or an obstructed colon.

Does that mean you won't leave?

Only when I'm finished.

It's my moral duty
to fill my plate up

again and again and again.

If you don't fill
yourself up, Dilbert,

then you're empty.

See what I mean, son?

I think so.

Son, you will never
find what you seek

until you stop looking.

For instance, for years,

they stopped serving Jell-o mold

until I stopped seeking it.

Sure enough, there it
was in three new colors...

Lime, raspberry, and mango.

Do you follow me, Dilbert?

Yes, Dad.

Good.

I must go to the
buffet now, my son.

Because you're hungry?

It's like I'm talking
to the broccoli.

Uh, goodbye, Dilbert.

Tell your mother...

They have pie.

But... but...

Goodbye... Dad.

Okay. We can go.

Finally.

Where's the parking stub?

We need to get it validated.

I gave it to you.

No, you didn't.
I gave it to you.

No way.

Maybe you gave it to Asok.

Me? I never touched that ticket.

Well, now we're going to have
to pay the maximum charge.

We?

Huh! It's your car, buddy.

Can't we split it?

Sure, you two can.

I will take public
transportation.

I dare you.

This is amazing!

Who buys this kind of crap?

That's it!

Stupid lying hat!

Let's see...

Oh, the husband is the killer!

Um...

Oh, the president and the
waitress are the same person!

Ooh, this is a good one.

It turns out the human scientist

is actually working
for the aliens!

You'd never have guessed it.

Wait!

Did you know that
popcorn is mostly air?

And it's marked up over 5,000%!

You're paying
for overpriced air!

Wake up, people!

There he is!

Chase him down!

Come on, one more!

Oh, all right.

I bet this is how Cirque
du Soleil got started.

Thank you, Dogbert.
This is very nice.

There's only one like it.

You always get me the
nicest things, Dogbert.

And Ratbert got me

some unidentified
thing with saliva on it.

There's lots more
where that came from.

I'm sure there is, dear.

Thank you.

And last...

But not least.

Whatever.

Dilbert got me
a gift certificate.

Oh, and look...

It's got a little
expiration date

right there in the corner.

You hate it, don't you?

Oh, I love it, dear.

You've traded your
money for something

that's just like money
but much more restricted.

I kind of ran out of time.

At the mall.

You went to the mall... for me?

Well...

Yeah.

You're terrified of the mall.

Yeah.

Oh, and there's this.

Oh, my.

Well...

At least he looks well-fed.

That he is.

Did he say anything, Dilbert?

Did he say anything?

He said...

"There's pie."