Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 8 - Little People - full transcript
After noticing that someone has been messing around in his cubicle, Dilbert discovers that group of "downsized" engineers is responsible.
In this episode of
Scientific Truth Journal
we'll explore the
theory of evolution
and we'll implicitly mock
the people who hold
opposing viewpoints.
Hmm. Evolution... What a crock.
Can we change it, please?
Evolution is a scientific
fact, unless you're ignorant.
If it's a fact, why
is it called a theory?
There are scientific reasons.
It's all very complicated.
Give me one good
argument for evolution.
First of all, the only
alternative is unthinkable.
It's raining toads.
Maybe I should say the
only alternative is unproven.
Is that your whole argument?
No. There... there's
extensive fossil records.
Extensive fossil records
including this definitive find
on the African subcontinent.
It's a skull fragment
of our earliest ancestors.
I have found the missing link!
Look! The rest of the skull.
Oops.
I'll grant you that
some of the evidence
is inconclusive, but when
you put it all together...
Thanks to advanced
computer graphics...
and clay...
we have recreated
the missing link.
Now, this would be a good time
for you to renounce
your irrational
belief in evolution
and change the channel.
I'd like to hear your theory.
My theory is that all the
species that ever existed
are still around.
They're just hiding.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Bob.
Oh, finally.
Who moved my pencil sharpener?
Oh, no.
Those are not my shavings.
Who adjusted my monitor?
Who fondled my mouse?!
Who had the unmitigated gall
To soil my mouse
with their grubby paws?!
Hey, shut up in here.
Some of us are trying to work.
Hypothetically.
My cubicle's been defiled.
Someone's been in here.
Did they take anything?
I don't think so, but... ah!
Is that a yes?
Someone's been accessing
the internet with my computer.
I'm no psychologist,
but I think Dilbert is suffering
from manic-depressive episodes
coupled with an acute
delusional paranoia.
If you're not a psychologist,
then how can you say that?
I'm entitled to my opinion.
Wally? Yes?
Were you using my cubicle?
I barely use my own cubicle.
Alice?
Please. Your cubicle
is a hotbed for cooties.
You can get fired for using
the internet for personal stuff.
You're in big trouble.
How many personal web
sites have you accessed?
I haven't accessed any!
So you say.
Ew! I touched your mouse.
Ew! Ew! What the
hell am I thinking?
Look at those web
sites on the history log.
I've never heard of any of them.
"Elf Hooters.
"Naked Troll Booty.
Little People, Huge... " Ow!
What was I thinking?
Someone's into hard-core
leprechaun porn, big time.
Dilbert! You disgust me.
It wasn't me.
Boss alert.
Am I interrupting
anything important?
We've never done
anything important.
Well, before you do, I
need the three of you
to attend a meeting with
the vendor who sells us
the Dullie dry erase
markers for the white boards.
Why? Just because
they asked for a meeting?
Right. I said I'd
go and I realized
I'd have to have
some technical support.
Technical support?
For marker pens?
Do I detect a hint of
sarcasm in your voice?
No.
I didn't think so.
You don't know where these
conversations can end up.
You start with dry erase markers
next thing you know
You're talking about...
Oh, I don't know.
Something very technical?
Exactly. See? Wally knows.
I know it's a meeting
with outside vendors.
And that means
free food, and quality
not those stale chips
and the black guacamole.
What color is guacamole
supposed to be?
All right, all right, what time?
Check with your secretary.
I don't have a secretary.
Oh, too bad.
They're really quite great.
Hey, here's a
strange coincidence.
Another web site
that's been surfed.
The Dullie dry erase
marker web site.
Someone around here
is into a weird scene.
Says the woman who
collects unicorn art.
E-mail.
Busted.
Someone's going down.
Someone's going
to take the fall.
Someone's going to...
Wally, shut up.
You'll be okay if you just stick
with the story you told us.
It's not a story.
Hey, that's good.
That look of
indignation really sells it.
Do you have an appointment?
You called me.
Excuse me? I said...
Answer my question.
I did. I did.
I see.
Still want to play games? Me?
Yes, you. What do
you want with me?
Sign the papers.
I can't see them.
Oh, poor you.
It's just a simple confession.
Standard procedure in the
human resources department.
"Using the internet
for personal business.
"Pilfering dry erase markers.
Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"?
"Shooting Larry Flynt"?
Wait a minute.
I'm not signing this.
Oh, yes, you are.
I make a fortune
at autograph shows.
Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't do any of these things.
You should have thought of that
before I forged your confession.
Thanks for playing.
Now, go away.
Attention! Attention!
Dilbert has signed
the confession.
You may treat him like a pariah.
That is all.
Also, outside vendor
meeting in conference room.
Come on, Dilbert.
We know a short
cut to the meeting.
Where are we? In
the Jeffries Tube?
It's the air conditioning duct.
Oh. That's a disappointment.
We're close to the
conference room.
I smell free lunch meat.
And if I'm not
mistaken, cantaloupe.
Why would someone leave
a dry erase marker here?
Maybe it's empty.
That answer is, like, so stupid.
Never mind that. We're here.
Food, glorious...
Oh, my lord.
Picked clean.
This can't be happening.
We're the only ones
who knew the shortcut.
Wally, pull yourself together.
Put the feedbag on, boys!
The food!
It's gone!
All the food!
It's gone!
It's all gone!
Gone!
The food!
It's all gone!
Why?
Why couldn't you share?
It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert.
Wally didn't eat anything.
I can vouch for him.
Then maybe it was Dilbert.
Tell him, Wally.
Tell him what happened.
I wasn't with him
the whole time.
Wally!
You wouldn't want
me to lie, would you?
He's a pig! He ate our food!
String him up!
Hang Dilbert! Get a rope!
Back down! None of us ate it.
It was like this
when we got here.
How do we know
it wasn't you, Alice?
Yeah! Yeah!
I can prove it!
Look here...
Any more questions?
Sixty-seven, 68...
Okay, you see, yesterday
I had 273 staples in here
Today, 272.
Did you staple anything?
Oh... yeah.
But I'm definitely missing
26 millimeters of scotch tape
and someone used my ruler.
How can you tell?
Is it shorter or something?
Look at the edge.
That's graphite
from a regular pencil.
I only use mechanical
pencils with the ruler.
Doesn't leave a mark.
Here's your mail, Dilbert.
Troll T & A...
Pygmies in Panties...
And Hot Homunculi.
Great! Now I'm
on a mailing list.
Hello, Thumbelina.
That's disgusting! I
could sue you both
for making this a
hostile workplace.
Ten minutes ago you
beat a man senseless.
He was senseless
before I beat him.
We've got to solve this thing.
Let's start by making a list
Of all the missing
items on the board.
Oh, there are a lot of
advantages to tiny women.
Give me those.
Now, hand me a dry
erase marker, please.
I don't see any.
Well, it's right over...
Hey, where'd it go?
Don't have a panic
attack. I'll get you one.
Wait... mine are all gone too.
Same here.
This is very odd.
I wonder if the literature says
anything about this phenomenon.
That's it?
There's only one left?
Got it.
Hey... hey!
What's going on?
What happened?
We're not alone.
All right, first things first...
Unless something
more important comes up
and then we could handle
that prior to the first thing.
Wouldn't the thing
prior to the first thing
be the first thing?
Technically, we're
doing the first thing now.
So that would be
the second thing.
Everything's moving so fast!
One of the topics...
I forget which one...
Is the rash of
thefts in the office.
You can get a
rash from stealing?
I think I had that once.
Our losses due to the theft
of dry erase markers
has skyrocketed.
It's ruining the company.
Why don't we stop
buying dry erase markers?
Because then we
wouldn't have any.
We don't have any now.
Alice, you're-you're-you're
thinking like an engineer.
Try to think like a manager.
Okay.
I can't think.
Does anyone have a theory
about who's taking
the dry erase markers?
Well, this might sound crazy...
I'm all ears.
Well, uh, not really, but...
Uh, go on.
I believe the markers
are being stolen
by tiny people... A new
species, like elves...
Sort of an evolutionary
offshoot from humans.
I don't know why you would
think that would sound crazy.
Whoo-whoo.
Well, damn it
How do we stop
this evolution thing?
We can't stop evolution.
If anything, it may
be an opportunity
to understand it better.
Loud Howard?
I'm afraid of tiny people!
They can run in your mouth!
Am I the only one
worried about that?!
These tiny people
can't be evolved from us.
If they were, there'd be signs
of an intermediate species;
people who are
in between normal-sized
people and elf-sized people.
Shut up.
We can't handle
this situation alone.
We need someone who
is an expert on evolution.
How about someone
who finds elves
using a divining rod?
No, that would be like the
opposite of what we need.
Oh, too bad.
I hired him this morning.
Grab a seat.
Empty chair...
This is ridiculous.
You can't find tiny
people with a stick.
That's what they
said to Jonas Salk.
Jonas Salk invented
the polio vaccine.
Yes, but after they told him
that he couldn't find
tiny people with a stick.
Fine, you use the stick.
I've got a few tricks
in my engineering bag.
You don't have
an engineering bag.
You could use Alice.
Ow!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps
containment design.
But can it catch an
elf? That's the question.
Only one thing
can kill an elf...
A silver bullet.
After I find them
It's up to you to gun them down.
These aren't
real silver bullets.
They're just regular
bullets spray painted silver.
Mine's only half painted.
I need more silver.
Thank you.
It is done.
If any beam is broken
it will set off the system.
And, now... the cheese.
All right, Wally, it's my watch.
You can catch some sleep and...
Wally, wake up!
What?
How long have you been asleep?
I-I'm not sure. What's today?
Oh!
♪ 99 dry erase markers ♪
♪ On the white board ♪
♪ 99 dry erase markers ♪
♪ You take one down
And sniff it all dry ♪
♪ 98 dry erase markers ♪♪
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps
containment design.
Damn, they're not elves.
They're tiny engineers.
Gross!
Only one way around this design.
Every design has
an Achilles heel.
Hey, they're getting away!
It's a narc!
Run for it, man!
You go that way.
I'll go this way.
Why?
Why? Why what?
Why do you get to go that way?
Maybe somebody else
would like to go that way.
Do you want to go that way?
Not particularly.
Then go that way!
Uh-oh, the man.
Hey, guys, quick!
You got to see this.
Whoa... little freaks.
Wait a minute, isn't that bill
from the test engineering group?
Yeah...
and Joan from tech support.
She once held
the elevator for me.
Ooh, man... and Marcia,
and Ted and Henry.
I thought they were
laid off years ago.
Ted, you tiny bastard,
you owe me five bucks.
Shh, you're going
to scare them off.
They've been downsized...
Literally.
They're disgusting vermin.
Just because they're small?
No.
I shared a cubicle with
that Ted guy... P-yew.
I think they're all hooked
on sniffing those markers.
To blunt the pain
of their bleak,
dismal existence.
You think that helps?
I guess they just
stayed in the building
after the layoffs
close to their
source of markers.
What should we do?
I never would've thought
downsizing would have
such a literal impact
on their cellular structure.
We have to help them.
Okay, except for Ted, who
I will keep in a terrarium.
And you doubted the power
of the divining rod.
The little people
have been located.
Here's a picture of one of them.
Run for your lives!
They're not dangerous.
They're actual former
employees who were downsized.
They seem to be addicted
to the dry erase markers.
Is it that hard to see ourselves
in their tiny shoes?
Yes.
Oh... so, anyway, seriously,
to get rid of the infestation
I've hired a
mysterious foreigner
who says he can lure them out
by playing an
irresistible melody
on his piccolo.
And when that doesn't work
I pump the building
full of insecticide.
Insecticide?
You can't kill them just
because they're annoying.
You don't really
know until you try.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! Boo!
Hey, man, get off the stage!
You suck!
Yeah!
Save the rain forest!
Sugar magnolia!
Not only are they
small and sneaky,
they know nothing about music!
On to phase two.
You know, I think you
could have waited
for the weekend
when we weren't here.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
I was assured the insecticide
is almost never deadly
to full-grown humans.
Now, suck it up
and get back to work.
Where are you going?
Me? I'm taking a long lunch.
I'll be back Thursday.
Look... I can fly.
I just saw God.
Oh, this stuff is better
than the markers.
There'll be no
stopping them now.
They're going to take over.
Maybe...
We should shoot them.
Why?
They haven't done
anything wrong.
I think the blond
is smiling at me.
She's inebriated.
All the better.
Who's going to sign for this?
I will. Let me. You
signed last time.
Allow me.
Keep it coming, bro.
Whoa, Dilbert's stressed.
Come on, bro, get
on the love train.
I'm a little busy right now.
I'll catch a later train.
Dig you later.
There it is, survival
of the fittest.
At least Wally made the cut.
A-ha!
So you finally admit that
I'm right about evolution.
Not if you want my help.
Once the telecommunications
hub is gone
the little people won't be able
to order new dry erase markers.
Marker...
I need marker.
Nothing.
What now, Gulliver?
Look at them. It's pathetic.
They need to leave
this environment.
Start fresh... build new lives.
We could sell them as
toys and make a fortune.
No. I'm talking
about lending a hand,
and you're talking
about exploitation.
As if there's a difference.
There is.
Well, excuse my capitalism.
They just need a
change of scenery
Then they'll straighten out.
Is that your expert
opinion as an engineer?
I'm going to help these people.
After your idealism is crushed,
feel free to plead for my help.
Does anyone have the number
of dry erase markers anonymous?
Dogbert!
Collect them all, kids.
There's Phil from Marketing.
Peg from Payroll.
Gwen from Accounting.
Supply is limited so they
can only go up in value.
Dry erase marker
sold separately.
So, who's first?
Me. Me. Me.
Over here. Here. Me first.
Scientific Truth Journal
we'll explore the
theory of evolution
and we'll implicitly mock
the people who hold
opposing viewpoints.
Hmm. Evolution... What a crock.
Can we change it, please?
Evolution is a scientific
fact, unless you're ignorant.
If it's a fact, why
is it called a theory?
There are scientific reasons.
It's all very complicated.
Give me one good
argument for evolution.
First of all, the only
alternative is unthinkable.
It's raining toads.
Maybe I should say the
only alternative is unproven.
Is that your whole argument?
No. There... there's
extensive fossil records.
Extensive fossil records
including this definitive find
on the African subcontinent.
It's a skull fragment
of our earliest ancestors.
I have found the missing link!
Look! The rest of the skull.
Oops.
I'll grant you that
some of the evidence
is inconclusive, but when
you put it all together...
Thanks to advanced
computer graphics...
and clay...
we have recreated
the missing link.
Now, this would be a good time
for you to renounce
your irrational
belief in evolution
and change the channel.
I'd like to hear your theory.
My theory is that all the
species that ever existed
are still around.
They're just hiding.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Bob.
Oh, finally.
Who moved my pencil sharpener?
Oh, no.
Those are not my shavings.
Who adjusted my monitor?
Who fondled my mouse?!
Who had the unmitigated gall
To soil my mouse
with their grubby paws?!
Hey, shut up in here.
Some of us are trying to work.
Hypothetically.
My cubicle's been defiled.
Someone's been in here.
Did they take anything?
I don't think so, but... ah!
Is that a yes?
Someone's been accessing
the internet with my computer.
I'm no psychologist,
but I think Dilbert is suffering
from manic-depressive episodes
coupled with an acute
delusional paranoia.
If you're not a psychologist,
then how can you say that?
I'm entitled to my opinion.
Wally? Yes?
Were you using my cubicle?
I barely use my own cubicle.
Alice?
Please. Your cubicle
is a hotbed for cooties.
You can get fired for using
the internet for personal stuff.
You're in big trouble.
How many personal web
sites have you accessed?
I haven't accessed any!
So you say.
Ew! I touched your mouse.
Ew! Ew! What the
hell am I thinking?
Look at those web
sites on the history log.
I've never heard of any of them.
"Elf Hooters.
"Naked Troll Booty.
Little People, Huge... " Ow!
What was I thinking?
Someone's into hard-core
leprechaun porn, big time.
Dilbert! You disgust me.
It wasn't me.
Boss alert.
Am I interrupting
anything important?
We've never done
anything important.
Well, before you do, I
need the three of you
to attend a meeting with
the vendor who sells us
the Dullie dry erase
markers for the white boards.
Why? Just because
they asked for a meeting?
Right. I said I'd
go and I realized
I'd have to have
some technical support.
Technical support?
For marker pens?
Do I detect a hint of
sarcasm in your voice?
No.
I didn't think so.
You don't know where these
conversations can end up.
You start with dry erase markers
next thing you know
You're talking about...
Oh, I don't know.
Something very technical?
Exactly. See? Wally knows.
I know it's a meeting
with outside vendors.
And that means
free food, and quality
not those stale chips
and the black guacamole.
What color is guacamole
supposed to be?
All right, all right, what time?
Check with your secretary.
I don't have a secretary.
Oh, too bad.
They're really quite great.
Hey, here's a
strange coincidence.
Another web site
that's been surfed.
The Dullie dry erase
marker web site.
Someone around here
is into a weird scene.
Says the woman who
collects unicorn art.
E-mail.
Busted.
Someone's going down.
Someone's going
to take the fall.
Someone's going to...
Wally, shut up.
You'll be okay if you just stick
with the story you told us.
It's not a story.
Hey, that's good.
That look of
indignation really sells it.
Do you have an appointment?
You called me.
Excuse me? I said...
Answer my question.
I did. I did.
I see.
Still want to play games? Me?
Yes, you. What do
you want with me?
Sign the papers.
I can't see them.
Oh, poor you.
It's just a simple confession.
Standard procedure in the
human resources department.
"Using the internet
for personal business.
"Pilfering dry erase markers.
Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"?
"Shooting Larry Flynt"?
Wait a minute.
I'm not signing this.
Oh, yes, you are.
I make a fortune
at autograph shows.
Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't do any of these things.
You should have thought of that
before I forged your confession.
Thanks for playing.
Now, go away.
Attention! Attention!
Dilbert has signed
the confession.
You may treat him like a pariah.
That is all.
Also, outside vendor
meeting in conference room.
Come on, Dilbert.
We know a short
cut to the meeting.
Where are we? In
the Jeffries Tube?
It's the air conditioning duct.
Oh. That's a disappointment.
We're close to the
conference room.
I smell free lunch meat.
And if I'm not
mistaken, cantaloupe.
Why would someone leave
a dry erase marker here?
Maybe it's empty.
That answer is, like, so stupid.
Never mind that. We're here.
Food, glorious...
Oh, my lord.
Picked clean.
This can't be happening.
We're the only ones
who knew the shortcut.
Wally, pull yourself together.
Put the feedbag on, boys!
The food!
It's gone!
All the food!
It's gone!
It's all gone!
Gone!
The food!
It's all gone!
Why?
Why couldn't you share?
It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert.
Wally didn't eat anything.
I can vouch for him.
Then maybe it was Dilbert.
Tell him, Wally.
Tell him what happened.
I wasn't with him
the whole time.
Wally!
You wouldn't want
me to lie, would you?
He's a pig! He ate our food!
String him up!
Hang Dilbert! Get a rope!
Back down! None of us ate it.
It was like this
when we got here.
How do we know
it wasn't you, Alice?
Yeah! Yeah!
I can prove it!
Look here...
Any more questions?
Sixty-seven, 68...
Okay, you see, yesterday
I had 273 staples in here
Today, 272.
Did you staple anything?
Oh... yeah.
But I'm definitely missing
26 millimeters of scotch tape
and someone used my ruler.
How can you tell?
Is it shorter or something?
Look at the edge.
That's graphite
from a regular pencil.
I only use mechanical
pencils with the ruler.
Doesn't leave a mark.
Here's your mail, Dilbert.
Troll T & A...
Pygmies in Panties...
And Hot Homunculi.
Great! Now I'm
on a mailing list.
Hello, Thumbelina.
That's disgusting! I
could sue you both
for making this a
hostile workplace.
Ten minutes ago you
beat a man senseless.
He was senseless
before I beat him.
We've got to solve this thing.
Let's start by making a list
Of all the missing
items on the board.
Oh, there are a lot of
advantages to tiny women.
Give me those.
Now, hand me a dry
erase marker, please.
I don't see any.
Well, it's right over...
Hey, where'd it go?
Don't have a panic
attack. I'll get you one.
Wait... mine are all gone too.
Same here.
This is very odd.
I wonder if the literature says
anything about this phenomenon.
That's it?
There's only one left?
Got it.
Hey... hey!
What's going on?
What happened?
We're not alone.
All right, first things first...
Unless something
more important comes up
and then we could handle
that prior to the first thing.
Wouldn't the thing
prior to the first thing
be the first thing?
Technically, we're
doing the first thing now.
So that would be
the second thing.
Everything's moving so fast!
One of the topics...
I forget which one...
Is the rash of
thefts in the office.
You can get a
rash from stealing?
I think I had that once.
Our losses due to the theft
of dry erase markers
has skyrocketed.
It's ruining the company.
Why don't we stop
buying dry erase markers?
Because then we
wouldn't have any.
We don't have any now.
Alice, you're-you're-you're
thinking like an engineer.
Try to think like a manager.
Okay.
I can't think.
Does anyone have a theory
about who's taking
the dry erase markers?
Well, this might sound crazy...
I'm all ears.
Well, uh, not really, but...
Uh, go on.
I believe the markers
are being stolen
by tiny people... A new
species, like elves...
Sort of an evolutionary
offshoot from humans.
I don't know why you would
think that would sound crazy.
Whoo-whoo.
Well, damn it
How do we stop
this evolution thing?
We can't stop evolution.
If anything, it may
be an opportunity
to understand it better.
Loud Howard?
I'm afraid of tiny people!
They can run in your mouth!
Am I the only one
worried about that?!
These tiny people
can't be evolved from us.
If they were, there'd be signs
of an intermediate species;
people who are
in between normal-sized
people and elf-sized people.
Shut up.
We can't handle
this situation alone.
We need someone who
is an expert on evolution.
How about someone
who finds elves
using a divining rod?
No, that would be like the
opposite of what we need.
Oh, too bad.
I hired him this morning.
Grab a seat.
Empty chair...
This is ridiculous.
You can't find tiny
people with a stick.
That's what they
said to Jonas Salk.
Jonas Salk invented
the polio vaccine.
Yes, but after they told him
that he couldn't find
tiny people with a stick.
Fine, you use the stick.
I've got a few tricks
in my engineering bag.
You don't have
an engineering bag.
You could use Alice.
Ow!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps
containment design.
But can it catch an
elf? That's the question.
Only one thing
can kill an elf...
A silver bullet.
After I find them
It's up to you to gun them down.
These aren't
real silver bullets.
They're just regular
bullets spray painted silver.
Mine's only half painted.
I need more silver.
Thank you.
It is done.
If any beam is broken
it will set off the system.
And, now... the cheese.
All right, Wally, it's my watch.
You can catch some sleep and...
Wally, wake up!
What?
How long have you been asleep?
I-I'm not sure. What's today?
Oh!
♪ 99 dry erase markers ♪
♪ On the white board ♪
♪ 99 dry erase markers ♪
♪ You take one down
And sniff it all dry ♪
♪ 98 dry erase markers ♪♪
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps
containment design.
Damn, they're not elves.
They're tiny engineers.
Gross!
Only one way around this design.
Every design has
an Achilles heel.
Hey, they're getting away!
It's a narc!
Run for it, man!
You go that way.
I'll go this way.
Why?
Why? Why what?
Why do you get to go that way?
Maybe somebody else
would like to go that way.
Do you want to go that way?
Not particularly.
Then go that way!
Uh-oh, the man.
Hey, guys, quick!
You got to see this.
Whoa... little freaks.
Wait a minute, isn't that bill
from the test engineering group?
Yeah...
and Joan from tech support.
She once held
the elevator for me.
Ooh, man... and Marcia,
and Ted and Henry.
I thought they were
laid off years ago.
Ted, you tiny bastard,
you owe me five bucks.
Shh, you're going
to scare them off.
They've been downsized...
Literally.
They're disgusting vermin.
Just because they're small?
No.
I shared a cubicle with
that Ted guy... P-yew.
I think they're all hooked
on sniffing those markers.
To blunt the pain
of their bleak,
dismal existence.
You think that helps?
I guess they just
stayed in the building
after the layoffs
close to their
source of markers.
What should we do?
I never would've thought
downsizing would have
such a literal impact
on their cellular structure.
We have to help them.
Okay, except for Ted, who
I will keep in a terrarium.
And you doubted the power
of the divining rod.
The little people
have been located.
Here's a picture of one of them.
Run for your lives!
They're not dangerous.
They're actual former
employees who were downsized.
They seem to be addicted
to the dry erase markers.
Is it that hard to see ourselves
in their tiny shoes?
Yes.
Oh... so, anyway, seriously,
to get rid of the infestation
I've hired a
mysterious foreigner
who says he can lure them out
by playing an
irresistible melody
on his piccolo.
And when that doesn't work
I pump the building
full of insecticide.
Insecticide?
You can't kill them just
because they're annoying.
You don't really
know until you try.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! Boo!
Hey, man, get off the stage!
You suck!
Yeah!
Save the rain forest!
Sugar magnolia!
Not only are they
small and sneaky,
they know nothing about music!
On to phase two.
You know, I think you
could have waited
for the weekend
when we weren't here.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
I was assured the insecticide
is almost never deadly
to full-grown humans.
Now, suck it up
and get back to work.
Where are you going?
Me? I'm taking a long lunch.
I'll be back Thursday.
Look... I can fly.
I just saw God.
Oh, this stuff is better
than the markers.
There'll be no
stopping them now.
They're going to take over.
Maybe...
We should shoot them.
Why?
They haven't done
anything wrong.
I think the blond
is smiling at me.
She's inebriated.
All the better.
Who's going to sign for this?
I will. Let me. You
signed last time.
Allow me.
Keep it coming, bro.
Whoa, Dilbert's stressed.
Come on, bro, get
on the love train.
I'm a little busy right now.
I'll catch a later train.
Dig you later.
There it is, survival
of the fittest.
At least Wally made the cut.
A-ha!
So you finally admit that
I'm right about evolution.
Not if you want my help.
Once the telecommunications
hub is gone
the little people won't be able
to order new dry erase markers.
Marker...
I need marker.
Nothing.
What now, Gulliver?
Look at them. It's pathetic.
They need to leave
this environment.
Start fresh... build new lives.
We could sell them as
toys and make a fortune.
No. I'm talking
about lending a hand,
and you're talking
about exploitation.
As if there's a difference.
There is.
Well, excuse my capitalism.
They just need a
change of scenery
Then they'll straighten out.
Is that your expert
opinion as an engineer?
I'm going to help these people.
After your idealism is crushed,
feel free to plead for my help.
Does anyone have the number
of dry erase markers anonymous?
Dogbert!
Collect them all, kids.
There's Phil from Marketing.
Peg from Payroll.
Gwen from Accounting.
Supply is limited so they
can only go up in value.
Dry erase marker
sold separately.
So, who's first?
Me. Me. Me.
Over here. Here. Me first.