Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Infomercial - full transcript

"Push the button and
see how a giant meteor

caused the extinction
of the dinosaurs." Hm.

Until this moment

I had trouble visualizing it.

If aliens helped
build the pyramids

where are they now?

Did they just leave?

You know what they say.

History is written
by the winners.

Let me out of this damn thing!

Please, someone!



"Push the button
to simulate the storm

that brought Amelia
Earhart's plane down."

No! Not again!

Oh, God! Make it stop!

It looks very realistic.

You don't think that's the
real Amelia Earhart, do you?

Yes, I think the museum
found her on an island

and put her in this exhibit.

Same thing happened
to King Kong.

It's not that unusual.

Come on.

All right.

Nooooo! Stop!

Above you are
the billions of stars



that make up our universe.

Or so we used to think.

We now know those lights

are an armada of alien ships
coming to destroy the earth.

Are there any questions?

Yeah. What's a black hole?

Well, my career
would be one example.

Any other questions?

Better not ask him
anything about Uranus.

I think I've seen enough.

There's only so much learning
you can pack into one day.

No! Confounded little dog!

Somebody help
me for mercy's sake!

Can I ask you a question?

That's why I'm here.

Why don't I ever see

any other garbage
men in this city?

It's always you.

I like to work alone.

That's impossible.

One garbage man cannot
handle the whole city.

I have shortcuts.

Shortcuts?

What possible shortcuts

would let one person
handle the whole...?

Well, maybe we'll pick
this conversation up later.

So tell me more about
the many, many ways

in which the Stuntmaster
Six Oh Oh Oh

can give me the
workout of a lifetime?

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

Uh-huh.

Four easy payments of
money will order yours today.

I'm losing consciousness...

And yet I'm still aroused.

Input, people, input.

But remember it's
already in the can

and we can't change it.

If I may use a sports analogy,

you've really hit the
goalpost on that one.

Yes, I guess I did.

I watched it only once

and already I want
to date that model

and suffer a head trauma.

Why, thank you, Loud Howard.

You humble me.

I've said it before
and I'll say it again...

What?

That's as far as I ever get.

Dilbert, you seem
strangely silent.

Shall I interpret that as
a sign of deep respect

and dare I say, awe?

Yes, you could
interpret it that way.

I'm blushing now.

But I can't help wondering.

Aren't we getting
ahead of ourselves

with the informercial?

We haven't even tested

the new version of
the Gruntmaster 6000.

We're doing that now.

We're sending it
to a typical family

for consumer field testing.

That's impossible.

There's only one version

of the new Gruntmaster
in existence,

and it's sitting
in my design lab.

That thing's not ready
for human testing.

We haven't even lab
tested the technology.

Oh, calm down.

We'll do that after.

The graviton generator
alone is very sensitive.

"The graviton generator
alone is very sensitive."

Quit your whining, missy.

I mean, what's the worst
thing that could happen?

If anyone were foolish enough

to build a graviton generator,

it would surely
create a black hole

that would annihilate
the entire solar system.

Well, I don't know
what's the worst thing

that could happen,

but when you start distorting
the fabric of space and time,

stretching and
enfolding upon itself...

Nice try, but I don't think
you bored him quite to death.

Excellent, Dilbert.

Nice going, Dil. Just great.

♪ Camptown ladies
Sing this song ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

What are you
waiting for, ladies?

Start singing.

Carol said since he hit his head

he's been talking in his sleep.

Come on, let's get out of
here before he wakes up.

Wait. Let's just hear
what he says next.

Boom!

Cooked by explosion.

♪ When you walk
Through a storm ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

Then you'll trip and fall
on your ass in the mud.

Is that smoke?

Wally, what are you doing?

Well, I wanted to
make some popcorn,

but somebody was
using the microwave

and the printer has
that heater thing in it

that makes the
paper warm, and...

Cooked by explosion.

Didn't the boss say that?

Yeah, but he was just babbling.

Or was he?

What are you saying,

that he predicted
this would happen?

I don't know. Am I?

Predicting the
future is impossible.

Is it?

Yes. It violates causality.

There is no way to
know something will occur

until it occurs.

Or is there?

If you don't stop asking
rhetorical questions

I'm going to kill you.

Are you?

On the other hand,

it'd be a pretty big coincidence

if the boss just happened
to mention an explosion

right before it happened.

Alice, I think he's dead.

Oh, man, I was in the tunnel.

I neglected to mention

the one glitch with
the infomercial.

We have to do it all over.

I had to fire the babe.

Why?

Depends whose story you believe.

Mine or the truth.

I feel like I've seen
this popcorn before.

This might be a
case of deja food.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe they
sent the Gruntmaster out

to some defenseless
family for testing.

Do you realize the
potential for disaster?

Do you realize...?

The mute button
only works on the TV.

It was worth a shot.

We didn't even have the
instruction manual written yet.

That graviton generator
is a bit unpredictable.

I only hope and pray

they found a smart
family to test that thing.

Otherwise, we may
be in grave trouble.

Eat your possum, Dory Ann,

or you ain't gettin'
another one.

That tain't no possum, Pa.

That's a raccoon.

It just looks like a raccoon

because of the tire marks.

I believe there's
been some mistake.

I forgive you all

and now I must
bid you all adieu.

You better hurry up
and run him over again.

Are you sassing me, young 'un?

I got half a mind...

You say you got half a mind.

You mind your manners, Lucas

or the Baby Jesus will
come down here right now

and beat the
living tar out of y'all.

I tain't afraid of
no Baby Jesus.

Bring him on.

I'll bring him on, you
little whippersnapper!

He'll do you what for.

He won't neither.

Quiet.

Get the gun.

Morons.

I told you this was stop
and this was keep going.

♪ Pardon me, boy ♪

♪ Is that the
Chattanooga choo-choo? ♪

I apologize. Pardon me, sir.

Track 29?

Thank you very much.

Dilbert, this is stupid.

He's been talking
nonsense for years

and no one thought
he was psychic before.

The only difference now
is he has his eyes closed.

Squiddler's patch...

Tay-has.

The darkness engulfs us.

The hole... The hole
in space... In time...

The void... The abyss from
which no light escapes...

From which no life escapes.

♪ Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee ♪

♪ Little brown jug,
Oh, you're for me ♪

♪ Fiddle dee dum
And fiddle dee dee ♪

♪ Little brown jug,
Oh, you're for me ♪♪

As long as it's filled
with plenty of booze.

Let's see what the Skeptic
Society has to say about this.

I assume this is Alice,

the woman I met at the
Skeptic Society dinner.

How did you do that?

That's incredible.

A magician never
gives away his secrets.

Well, the reason I called...

Is because you want me to debunk

your boss's alleged
psychic claims.

Wow! At least tell me
how you did that one.

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.
Wish I could.

All right, so when
can you get here?

Are you telling me
that was a trick too?

Yes, Alice, a good magician
can duplicate any trick

done by a so-called
psychic or mentalist.

For example, watch this.

Huh? Aaah!

Down! Whoops.

Lucas, if you break it

the Baby Jesus
will take you to hell

and burn you like a
pork chop for eternity.

What the...? I
ain't never seed...

Lawdy! That don't look right.

You've just been
listening to a song.

I was on the phone, so I
have no idea what it was.

Now the news.

We take you to
our sister station

K That's All We Could Think Of,

Squiddler's Patch, Texas.

Oh, my God!

My worst fear has come true.

You mean a pregnant
spider crawled up your nose

while you were sleeping
and laid eggs in your head?

Okay, my second worst fear.

That you'll destroy the world

with one of your inventions?

Yes.

Dogbert, we've got to go

to Squiddler's
Patch immediately.

♪ I dream of Jeannie
With the light yeller hair ♪

♪ Floating like a vapor
In the soft summer air ♪♪

Whoa, that's no vapor.

Wally, don't tell me you've
bought into this scam.

It's my ultimate fantasy.

Everyone is bald
and poorly dressed.

And if you hadn't noticed,

no one is doing anything
that looks like work.

Ah, it's utopia.

Not for long.

I brought a world-famous
skeptic to debunk that fraud.

Wally, meet The Amazing Rudolph.

Please, call me "The."

I don't do that.

Forget the chitchat.
Get to work.

People, I am The Amazing Rudolph

and I will show you how
easily a skilled magician

can reproduce any of these
so-called psychic tricks.

All: Ooh... Aah...

Whoops.

He's a witch!

No, just a skilled illusionist.

That is my point.

If you're just an illusionist,

tell us how you
made the bird appear.

A magician never
reveals his tricks.

I'm bound by the
magician's code of ethics.

Well, that's awfully
convenient, isn't it?

That sounds like
something a witch would say.

Kill the witch!

♪ She was the daughter
Of Rosie O'Grady ♪

♪ A regular Old-fashioned gal ♪♪

With one important distinction.

Listen, he wants
us to go to Texas

and throw the witch
in the black hole.

He didn't say that!

I know, but I've always
wanted to go to Texas.

People, I can't give
away my trade secrets,

but perhaps I can
give you a hint.

All right, I'll tell you!

I'll tell you everything!

Nah, forget it.

Now we'd rather
throw you in the hole.

Come on. I ain't got all day.

That's a good sign.

I heard you can
tell a place is okay

if the truckers eat there.

I guess "'scuse me"
just ain't gonna cut it.

No.

So, what can I get
you fellers to swaller?

Could we see a menu?

This ain't Paris, boy.

Okay. Give us two

of whatever you've
touched the least.

Two soaps.

Make that one.

Hey...

What's happening to my cup?

Hey, what the...?

Hey, Eustas.

What's making
everything all stretchy?

I ain't paying
for this here gas.

I'd say Squiddler's
Patch is thattaway.

I'll meet you at the black hole.

I think we need some help.

Professor Stephen
Hawking, please.

Sign here, if you would.

Thank you.

Send up Professor
Hawking straightaway.

Here he comes.

Here you are...

One Nobel-prize-winning
Lucasian professor of mathematics,

expert on all
astrophysical phenomena

and black holes in particular.

Hello, Dogbert.

Hey, Steve.

Will there be anything else?

How do I move him around?

Oh... terribly sorry.

Just use this.

Dilbert! Over here! Mr. Dilbert!

I'll answer any engineering
or scientific questions

about the black hole phenomenon.

Has anyone famous

ever had sexual relations
near a black hole?

Not that I know of.

Then you don't deny

that someone famous
has had sexual relations

near a black hole?

Does anyone have a
question about the science?

There's nothing here.

Wow! You're Stephen Hawking!

I read your book.

Did you buy it or
read it in the library?

I think I borrowed it.

You cheap bastard.

Boys, please.

Can we focus on this
black hole problem?

There is no rush.

As long as nothing
disturbs the singularity,

the hole will grow very slowly.

We're screwed.

Come on, Wally. Dance with us.

I don't hold hands.

I'm only in it for
fashion reasons.

Come on!

Ohhh...

Wow. I've never felt so alive.

Check that. Oh...

Wally!

Wally is gone!

Don't thank me.

Thank the black hole.

Someone must go
into the singularity

and stop whatever
caused the black hole

in the first place.

It's a simple case
of wormhole travel

using a shortcut in space-time.

Well, you listen, you
pick up a few things.

But he was my friend!

It's all my fault.

I caused this to happen.

I'm going in after him.

Isn't anyone going to stop me?

No. Go ahead. Jump.

Knock yourself out.

Just... let me get my breath.

This is a big step.

Lots of unknowns.

Peril beyond belief.

One small step for...

Dilbert?

You seem strangely silent.

Shall I interpret that as
a sign of deep respect

and, dare I say, awe?

Yes, you could
interpret it that way.

Oh... I'm blushing now.

But I can't help wondering

aren't we getting
ahead of ourselves

with the infomercial?

We haven't even
tested the new version

of the Gruntmaster 6000.

We're doing that now.

We're sending it
to a typical family

for consumer field-testing.

That's impossible!

There's only one...

It's in my...

Would you excuse me?

Yes?

The door's locked?

Oh, well, in that case...

♪ Shine on, shine
on Harvest moon ♪

♪ Up in the sky ♪

♪ I ain't had No
lovin' since... ♪

January 30, 1955?!

Huh.

And the farmer's daughter

says, "I see you've met my cat."

Hey, what's so funny?

Nothing.

Is it garbage day again?

It's always garbage
day somewhere.

Professor Hawking?

What are you doing here?

Isn't this several thousand
miles out of your way?

Actually, it's a shortcut.

A shortcut?

My street is a
shortcut to England?

Yes.

Will somebody explain to me

what's going on?

No. No. No.

Hey, I've got a copy of
your book in my trunk.

Would you mind signing it?

I already signed it.

No, you didn't.

It's locked in my trunk.

I'll wager five dollars
I already signed it.

You're on.

Hmm.

The joke's on him.

He'll never be able
to collect the five.

You didn't really
think you'd win a bet

with a Nobel-prize-winning

Lucasian professor
of mathematics?

At least I didn't pay
for his stupid book.