Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 12 - Holiday - full transcript

Do I have to wear this?

Yes, Ratbert.

It's a Dogbert Day tradition.

Everyone must wear

the uncomfortable
festive headgear

Except me.

I think a fruit fly just
went up my nostril.

Do you mind?

I'm trying to watch the pine
cone celebration parade.

Why don't you
watch it in person?

Then I wouldn't get to
hear the commentary.



Look, Phil

it's another one
of those big things.

What are they called?

I think that is called a float

and the name originated
right here in Seattle, yeah.

Hmm, they got further last year.

I forget.

Is Dogbert Day a
national holiday?

Well, right now, it's
confined to this room

but I'm trying to
take it national.

I have a meeting with
congress tomorrow.

How do you get a
meeting with congress?

I said I was a lobbyist
for the A.P.W.D.B.U.D.

The Association of People Who
Drink Beer and Use Dynamite?



Exactly

Congress is trying to squelch
their freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech?

What exactly are
People Who Drink Beer

and Use Dynamite trying to say?

Uh, usually it's something like

"I'm sorry about what happened
to your mobile home, Bobby Joe,"

but it's not what they
say, it's their right to say it.

It is? Not really.

It's just an excuse
to talk to congress

so I can push my idea
for a national Dogbert Day.

We'll return to the
pine cone celebration

after the body count.

Now, we join Babe Gets
What's Coming to Him

already in progress.

How does one
celebrate Dogbert Day

aside from wearing
uncomfortable hats?

Ratbert?

On Dogbert Day, any child
who has been good all year

gets to shoplift for an hour.

I think good behavior
should be rewarded.

The traditional Dogbert
Day feast is the bald eagle.

I wanted something special.

The traditional
music of Dogbert Day

is a drum solo played on
your own skull with spoons.

Do you think anyone
will catch on to the fact

that the entire Dogbert
Day holiday is designed

for the sole purpose
of being annoying?

No one caught on when I
invented National Secretary's Day.

I wondered who
came up with that.

Hey! You broke my window.

It was already like that.

What are you talking about?

I watched you do it.

Well, it looks like we have

one of those he-said,
she-said situations.

I also have it on videotape.

So, it's a he-said, she-said,
grainy video situation.

I'll have fingerprints
and DNA in a second.

You got quite a list
of priors here, Dick.

Now it's going to be awkward

every time I see
him in the hallway.

Sign the Secretary's
Day Card for Carol

and route it around.

Have you every wondered

who came up with
Secretary's Day?

Who comes up with
any of this garbage?

Here, I've got a card
for Jennifer's wedding,

a congratulations
card for Mike's baby,

three birthdays and a
gender-change operation card

that says, "Get well" and then
on the inside it says, "Hung."

Cute.

I signed those already.

Here.

Whoa, nice try, but
I already signed it.

You know the rules.

You have to find the next
person on the routing slip.

All right, all right.

Let the hunt begin.

I hate holidays.

Hey, Dick, old buddy,

it's your turn to sign
this Secretary's Day card.

There you are, Dilbert.

The meeting's just starting.

Can we go now?!

Now, now, Loud Howard

I know we're all anxious
to start the long weekend

and get on with
our vacation plans.

What long weekend?

There isn't a holiday
for two weeks.

I think that's what
makes it long.

Shut up, Dilbert.

You're keeping
me off the slopes.

Be sure to ski near the trees.

It's more fun that way.

Can we go now?!

No, Howard, we have
to start the meeting.

Hey, a sports bra.

Can I have that?

So, you're letting
them play sports now?

That's the same sound
made by the mongoose

before it swallows its
prey, the rhinoceros.

Sometimes it takes months
for a mongoose to digest

one of those
beautiful creatures.

It's quite a sight.

You know, that's the
best time to bag a rhino.

They can't see you coming
once they're inside the mongoose.

A mongoose is the size of a cat.

And they hibernate.

Did you know that?

Can we go now?!

No.

Not quite yet

though, for the life of
me, I'm not sure why.

Does anyone know
why I called this meeting?

Anybody?

I'm asking for volunteers.

I have something to say.

We have too many holidays.

We have more holidays than days

and if we're not
celebrating a holiday

we're either planning
for the next one

or we're recovering
from the last one.

We spend all our time giving
cards to people we don't know

decorating cakes for
people we don't care about

or buying presents for people
we don't even like enough

to have as friends
outside of work.

That reminds me...
Thanks for the cufflinks.

Oh, you're welcome.

It seems that someone invents
a new holiday every day...

Holidays that don't make sense

for reasons that
we don't understand.

It's made all
holidays meaningless.

I've always loved groundhog day.

Those little guys are so cute

before you shoot them.

Is there some point here?

Yes.

The reason we can't get
any work done around here

is because we don't
have any non-holiday days.

So... you think we
should work nights instead.

Can we go now?!

I am totally preoccupied
with my upcoming vacation.

No point in fighting it.

Meeting dismiss...

Boys, you ought to get out there

live a little.

If you need me, I'm
reachable in Africa.

Just call Africa and ask for me.

I told them to expect your call.

How come you didn't leave
with the rest of them, Asok?

On my salary, I can only
afford to take vacations

within the building itself.

This year, I have
saved up enough money

to spend five days in
the handicapped toilet

of the fifth floor
gentlemen's bathroom.

It is part of a
restroom-hostel program.

So I guess it's just you
and me at work tomorrow.

No, just you.

My vacation
commences in 10 minutes

but feel free to visit me.

There is always room for guests.

Should I bring anything?

Potato salad would be nice.

They move the
holiday to a Monday

so it's a three-day holiday.

Then they want
to leave on Friday,

to take full advantage of it

but everyone's leaving on Friday

and everyone wants
to beat the traffic

so they leave on Thursday.

And if you're
leaving on Thursday

why not Wednesday night?

And you can't come
back on Monday.

That's still a holiday.

And you can't come
back on Tuesday

because everybody
comes back on Tuesday

so you outsmart everybody
and come back on Wednesday.

So, now, you're
leaving on Wednesday

and coming back on Wednesday

And suddenly, a one-day
holiday is now a week!

Well, I guess
I'll call it a day.

This secretary's day

show your assistant
how valuable he is

by ordering him

to buy flowers for himself
at Honeybee Florist.

And don't forget...

Tomorrow, the entire
city will be closed down

for the Priapism
Awareness Parade.

I'm being holidayed to death.

I can't work; I can't
listen to music;

I can't use the highway.

Our regularly scheduled program,

"Dr. Lorna Calls You a
Moron," won't be aired today

because Dr. Lorna went on
holiday without telling anyone.

In her place, we bring you

the senate subcommittee
hearings on... oh, something.

I, uh, yield my time to
the distinguished senator

from one of those
states that, uh...

don't deserve roads and schools.

I don't know if the
rest of you heard it

but I think he just confessed
to being a communist.

I yield the senator's
time to myself.

You can't do that.

It's against the rules.

All in favor of
changing the rules

and just maybe getting

a huge soft money
campaign contribution in return

say "aye."

That's better.

Now, I'd like you
all to sign a bill

making Dogbert
Day a national holiday

and canceling
all other holidays.

I thought you said
you were a lobbyist

for the Association of Beer-
Drinking Dynamite Users.

Now, that I support.

I don't know about
this holiday thing.

It's a package deal.

I added the Dogbert
Day bill as a rider

to the Beer-Drinking and
Dynamite Freedom Bill.

Does anyone have a match?

Here you go, son.

If this sort of thing
ever gets outlawed

it'll be a slippery slope.

Thanks.

I make a motion that we vote
on the national Dogbert Day bill.

I fail to see how eliminating
all the other holidays

Is good for Rhode Island.

I, for one, would
miss all the fireworks

and the Easter bunnies and
the New Year's Eve parties

where I get drunk and depressed

and do things I don't
remember, but always regret.

I propose an amendment
that would add

all of the holiday
traditions to Dogbert Day.

Dogbert Day would
have cheap, tacky gifts

dangerous fireworks, visits
from unpleasant relatives

corny parades, bad
barbecues... You name it.

Hmm, that sounds like
it would be complicated

and incredibly
frustrating for everyone.

I'm all for it.

You have my full support.

Down with big government!

All in favor, say "aye."

Next on 40/40

we talk to Dogbert

who convinced congress
to cancel all holidays

in favor of one
holiday... Dogbert Day.

We'll also hear
from his critics.

Dogbert, in your own words

what motivated you
to create Dogbert Day?

I think it stems from
my religious belief

that everyone exists for the
sole purpose of entertaining me.

Dogbert, ya little devil!

I hope you rot in hell!

You put us all out of business!

There's a perfect example.

There ain't no pot of gold
at the end of your rainbow!

There's a pot of crap!

You've ruined me!

I've got a whole workshop
full of starving reindeer

and I don't know where
half of my elves have gone.

No!

Where am I going
to get work now?

I'm a specialist.

No, gross.

Up yours, cupid.

Give that back!

Lay off, cotton ass!

Whoa.

I haven't got a pot to...

It's always a bit tense

around the Dogbert Day holiday.

Dogbert Day's always
been my favorite holiday...

Yeah, the virgin sacrifice,

the senseless slaughter
of endangered species.

Oh, I remember,

you know, when I was a child

the first time my dad gave me

the jewel-encrusted dagger

to plunge into the
heart of the young virgin.

Her name was June, I think.

At one time, we
talked of marriage

but once she was dead

we rarely spoke of it anymore.

It's funny how life works out.

Um, just a minor
point of clarification:

Dogbert Day is a
brand-new holiday.

It's never been
celebrated before.

Well, Christmas had its scrooge

and now, Dogbert
Day has its Dilbert.

Got to go.

Got to do my Dogbert
Day shopping... ooh!

You'll never guess
what I got you.

Never, go ahead, guess.

I don't know.

I'll give you a hint.

It's made of paper
and it tells a story.

I don't know. A book?

Well, I hope you're happy.

You've ruined your own surprise.

And what would you like
for Dogbert Day, little lady?

You're not Dogbert!

No, but I'm one
of his many bitter

and underpaid helpers.

What?

You tell me what you want,

and I'll make sure you get it.

Just give me your address

and leave the door to your
house unlocked tonight.

Help! No!

Hey, no cutting in line.

I'm not cutting in
line. I was here.

You were supposed
to save my place.

I don't know you.

Oh, thanks.

Do you mind if I
stand behind you?

Sure.

Hey, no cutting in line.

It's okay. He said I
could stand behind him.

He can't give permission
to stand behind him.

In fact, the case law
is very ambiguous

about people you
let in front of you.

Calm down, fella.

Where is your Dogbert spirit?

Good question. Maybe
I'll call the manager.

What manager?

There's no manager.

People always think
there's a manager...

Some magic manager
who's going to put things right.

Well, there's not!

Whoo.

Hey. What?

No cutting in line.

I was here.

How could you be
here? I was here.

I don't think so. Was he here?

I don't know.

Looks like it's your
word against his.

I am not letting this happen.

Huh, you lost your place.

I didn't. I...

Back of the line, buddy.

Hey, don't forget your gift.

I'm blind!

I can't see!

Are you getting out?

I think this is

the best Dogbert Day
parade we've ever covered.

Hey, just a little trivia.

Did you know that those
huge balloons are filled

with balsa wood?

I thought it was helium.

Well, aren't you
a piece of work?

Alice, can you pick up the pace?

I want people to see what I
look like with my ears blown back.

Mmm. That is
excellent potato salad.

I have never had better.

It's the dill pickles.

Do not leave here without
giving me that recipe.

Asok, can I ask you a question?

Ask away.

I am on vacation and have
all the time in the world.

What I'm wondering is:
how can you be so happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy?

Well, you're an intern
who earns so little

you have to take your
vacation in the restroom.

That is true.

And no one give you
any respect whatsoever.

Oh! You got me again.

And your family is in India.

You have to spend the Dogbert
Day holiday without them,

not that they're missing much.

It's the most meaningless
holiday ever invented.

What time is it, my friend?

It's 4:45.

That means it's almost 7:00
a.m. at my parents home in India.

They will be awakening soon.

In a few minutes, as they
have every day since I was born

they will wake up
and think of me.

I will be in their
thoughts all day.

Do you think of
them all day, too?

No, I am often caught up

in the hustle and
bustle of cubicle life.

Sometimes, I need a reminder.

Sometimes, I need a Dogbert Day.

We're stuck now.

Nothing to do but wait.

Ramming speed.

Well, it's not my fault.

I'm just the drummer.

It appears that
Dogbert's float is attacking

the smaller, crippled float.

And Dogbert has
never looked finer.

His cape and crown were
designed by Allefonzo.

Ooh.

I didn't think you'd have
time to stop by today.

I wouldn't forget my own
mother on Dogbert Day.

The Dogbert float
has now crushed floats

From the PTA, the
joie de vie French club

and the Senior Citizen
Republican Party.

But I think we'd all agree

that Dogbert does looks better

with his ears blown
back by the wind like that.

You know, I hate all the stuff

leading up to the holidays,

but I do like the
holidays themselves.

It gets a little hectic

and a little commercial
on the surface

and underneath that

it's all hollow and
meaningless too,

but underneath that...

Yes, underneath all
the layers of hollowness

and crassness and
vulgarity and commercialism...

Underneath all that

there is a warmth and a
spirit to the holiday season.

You're right.

Lord, help me!

It's... so... cold.

You know, this is the
best Dogbert Day ever.

They say the trick is
to marinate it overnight.

That's what gives it the flavor.

Did you marinate this?

No. I just slapped
it with a spatula

till it stopped
trying to get away.

That's my own little trick.

You won't see that in
any fancy cook book...

At least, I think you won't.

I haven't actually checked.