Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 8, Episode 6 - A Tale of Two Teachers - full transcript
Remember Mr. Wilkes, the no-nonsense substitute teacher whose career was nearly destroyed when Arnold claimed he hit him? Well, Mr. Wilkes is back ... and gotten full-time employment as Arnold's hard-nosed English literature teacher, in this tale about Arnold goofing off in class, acting like a know-it-all and then Mr. Wilkes demanding that his deviant student put up or shut up - by teaching the class for a day. The task: Teach the students Dickens' classic "A Tale of Two Cities."
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ To move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes ♪
♪ Different strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
(students chattering)
- Uh-oh, fellas,
we're in trouble.
Mr. Wilkes is wearing his
I wish I'd been a
sheep farmer look.
- Are you kidding?
The way he grades tests, I
wish he was a sheep farmer.
- Okay, class, I have
your poetry exams.
I think I'll let your grades
speak for themselves.
- All right, I'm not worried.
I know I aced this one.
- We had one 97 in class.
- Oh, that's mine.
- A 97?
I'll try harder next
time, Mr. Wilkes.
- 97! (scoffs)
Multiply it by four and
you've got your head size.
- Subtract 50 from it
and you've got your IQ.
- Man, Dudley!
Your score and Lisa's
add up to a hundred!
- Mr. Jackson?
- Yes, sir!
- You have considerable ability.
- Thank you, sir.
- I just wish you'd
use it sometimes.
- I do use it, sir, honest.
- Do you?
Well, for your information,
Robert Frost's best known work
is not Frosty the Snowman.
- I just took a wild guess.
- For those of you who did
well, keep up the good work.
For those of you who didn't, I
was thinking about setting up
an informal afterschool
discussion group.
We could really
have some fun with it.
Any takers?
All right.
(crumpling paper) Let's move on.
"Tis a far, far better thing I
do than I have ever done."
- Great, he's sending
us home early.
- Put a lid on it, guys.
This is the most famous line
from our next area of study.
We're gonna leave
poetry behind us.
(students clapping)
Charles Dickens was born
in 1812 in Portsea, England.
From relatively
humble beginnings,
he became one of
England's greatest writers.
You may be familiar with
Dickens from the TV production
of A Christmas Carol.
Have any of you seen it?
Mr. Jackson?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
I missed it, sir.
I was watching Dolly
Parton's Christmas in Peru.
- Now, as we study
Dickens, I don't want you to
think of it as work.
I know poetry
can be a little dry,
but A Tale of Two Cities isn't.
It's exciting, it's about
the French Revolution.
It's fun.
- Yo, sir, could you just
tell us what we need to know
for this test?
- If it's any
comfort to you, sir,
rest assured I'll never come
to school looking like that.
(growling)
- [Wilkes] Okay, okay, okay.
- Try it, Lisa, it'll
be an improvement.
- Very clever, Mr. Jackson.
Why can't you be that
clever when you write?
- Uh, look, sir, I don't
mean to be smart...
- Don't worry about that.
- Sir, I kinda think I'm
wasting my time here.
I mean, it's not practical.
I want to pursue a
career in photography
and I don't think I'm
gonna get an assignment
covering the French Revolution.
- Mr. Jackson, there
are other things in life
besides making money.
Literature can enrich
your life in other ways.
Think about it.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
I want everyone to
read the first 24 chapters.
(students groaning)
There'll be a test
this Thursday.
And I expect better
grades than last time.
- I'll certainly try harder
next time, Mr. Wilkes.
(students scoff)
(highlighter squeaking)
- Dudley, what are you doing?
- Underlining the
stuff I don't understand.
See?
(doorbell chimes)
- That's gotta be Charlie.
You're late!
- I'm brilliant!
Come here.
I have a solution
to our problem.
- You found an answer sheet?
- Almost as good.
This book condenses
the classics.
- What's it called?
- Pete's Condensed Classics.
- All right!
- I don't know, you
guys, about using that.
You know, if my Dad found
out, he'd get pretty mad.
I think our best bet is
just to go with the book.
- Are you kidding?
Parents always want you
to do things the hard way.
- They're weird, aren't they?
It must be part of
their marriage vows.
I promise to love, honor,
and annoy my children.
- I think we'd just better
stick with the book, guys.
- You know, I like reading, too,
but have you seen
how long this thing is?
- Yeah, reading all those
words makes my lips tired.
- Well, like I told Mr. Wilkes,
I can't make any money with this
or get a job, so...
Well, I guess we'll
have to go with this.
- Hooray, Pete!
- Charlie, you're a bigger
weasel than I thought.
- Well, thank you.
- Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
- We're studying, Sam.
It's nothing that concerns you.
It's real guy stuff.
- Then why do you
have it, Dudley?
If it's real guy stuff,
does that mean it's dirty?
The kinda stuff I'm
not supposed to see
even though I wouldn't
know what it was if I saw it?
- No, Sam.
Mr. Wilkes would never
assign us a dirty book.
Now, look, Sam, you're just
gonna have to leave us alone.
If you don't go I'm
going to have to
take you to a movie
and buy you popcorn
and anything you want!
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Mr. D.
- Hi, boys.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Drummond.
- Having a little study session?
- Oh, studying our brains out.
- That's right.
- Yeah, they're
studying this dirty book.
- What?
- What a kidder.
Dad, remember our
teacher, Mr. Wilkes?
- Um...
- He was the one that walks
around with a flashing red hat
so planes don't crash into him.
- Right, of course.
A very nice fellow.
- Well, he's teaching
us A Tale of Two Cities.
- Really?
You know, this is one
of my favorite books.
Dig this.
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.
It was the age of wisdom, it
was the age of foolishness."
- Huh?
- Charlie, those are
very important lines.
See, they set the stage
for the French Revolution.
They set the mood
for the entire book.
That is a marvelous
piece of literature.
- Boy, Mr. D, you're so smart!
If you knew how to clean
catfish, you'd know everything.
- Thank you, Sam.
What do you say you and I
do something really clever?
Let's research a piece
of Pearl's apple pie.
- Boy, it's great having
a genius for a dad!
- Sets the tone for the book.
It's a great piece
of literature.
That could come
in handy tomorrow.
You know, between Dad's
quotes and Pete's notes,
we got it made in the shade.
Sydney Carton is who?
- Charles Darney.
- Right, and what
was Carton's big?
- Drinking.
- Right.
And what happens to Dr. Manette?
- He goes nuts.
- Right!
And what's the name of the evil?
- Madame Defarge.
- Right, hey!
- How could you three
stooges know so much?
- Well, maybe we're
not as dumb as you look.
(students chattering)
- Morning, class.
Everyone ready for today's test?
(class groans)
Not so much enthusiasm,
this is an old building.
(Lisa laughs loudly)
Thank you, Miss Hayes.
Now, before we start the test
I have a surprise for
the class and here it is.
Pete's Condensed Classics.
Look familiar?
It occurred to me that
some of you might decide
to read the notes instead
of reading the book.
Actually, this is a
very good study tool,
but it was meant to be used
after you've read the book.
Unfortunately, some
students read them
instead of reading the book.
And that's a Mr. Wilkes no-no.
So I've designed
a test that you can't
possibly pass unless
you've read the book.
Have fun.
(students chattering)
- I mean, how can
he expect us to...
- Good morning, class.
(students groaning)
Never in 15 years of
teaching have I seen
anything like this.
Obviously, only a handful of
you decided to read the book.
- I read it twice, Mr. Wilkes.
- [Students] Sit down!
- Enough, Lisa.
One of the few
intelligent remarks
were Arnold Jackson's
comments on the opening lines.
- I'm saved!
- Unfortunately that
wasn't nearly enough.
- I'm unsaved.
- Class, these books
were not assigned
to make your lives miserable.
- No, that's what
non-dairy cream is for.
- Now, class,
you're freshmen now
and I've tried to treat
you like young adults,
but obviously with
this class I was wrong.
I can't teach a class
that refuses to learn
and this class refuses.
I'm gonna try and
say it one more time.
You're expected to
behave like young adults.
- Since when do young
adults get yelled at like this?
- Thank you, Mr. Jackson,
you've just volunteered.
- Me?
What'd I volunteer for?
- Starting Monday, you're
gonna teach the class
A Tale of Two
Cities from page one.
Alone.
- What?
Teach?
- Yeah, you know, what I
try to do in here every day.
- Uh, teach...
I'll be ready to
teach by Monday.
- Good, because if not,
you'll be reading Mr. Dickens
during summer school.
Believe it.
- I believe.
(car horns honking)
- Now, then, what
is all this about?
- Well, uh...
It all started when
I got a bad grade
on my Tale of Two Cities test.
- Well, how bad is bad?
- I did beat Dudley
by 30 points.
- How could this happen?
I saw you and your friends
studying A Tale of Two Cities.
- Well, we weren't
exactly studying the book.
- Well, then what were
you exactly studying?
- This.
- Wait a minute.
A few days ago I thought that...
Oh, I get it.
You deliberately deceived me.
You were using this.
- Right.
- Well, what bothers
me even more
is that you've cheated yourself.
I don't know whether to
be disappointed or angry.
- Can I suggest disappointed?
- I think angry is better.
I thought you liked to read.
- I do, Dad, I love to read,
but when a teacher makes
you read it becomes a drag.
- Now, Arnold, that is
a very childish attitude.
Nevertheless, your responsibility
was to read that book,
not try to shortcut it.
A little discipline
and hard work,
that's what pays off in life.
- Well, for what
it's worth, Dad,
I'm gonna work hard
at this teaching thing.
First thing I'm gonna
do is warm up the class
with some one liners.
- Look, I want you to
forget the one liners.
I want you to sit down and
read A Tale of Two Cities
from cover to cover.
I want you to be really
prepared to teach that class
and there'll be no
shortcuts this time around.
- But Dad, it's the weekend!
Do I have to?
- Yes.
And if you don't, you
know what it'll be?
- No.
- The worst of times.
(Arnold sighs)
- I need mood music.
Hmm, Tale of Two Cities.
France.
French Revolution, Europe.
England.
Mick Jagger!
Perfect.
♪ It was the best of times ♪
♪ It was the worst
of times baby ♪
(Mr. Drummond clapping)
Uh, just psyching
myself up, Dad.
"From the dimly lighted
passages of the court,
the last sediment of the
human stew that had been
boiling there all day
was straining off."
Wow!
("La Marseillaise")
- Arnold!
Are you still reading that book?
- Dad, this book is great!
- I don't think I
heard correctly.
I said are you still reading
that book and you said?
- Dad, this book is great!
Dad, why didn't you tell
me this book was so good?
- I guess it just
slipped my mind.
- Dad, this Charles
Dickens is a better writer
than Joan Collins' sister.
Listen, check this out.
This is what us scholars
call ironic humor.
He's talking about
the guillotine.
"It was the best
cure for headaches.
The national razor,
which shaved close."
I love it!
- Arnold, I can't tell
you how happy I am
to hear you say that.
- Thanks for making
me read it, Dad.
I never knew anything
so old could be so neat.
Well, of course,
you can be neat.
- You see, Arnold, a
classic is something
that lasts for a long time and
speaks to each new generation
because it's neat.
But really, I'm
thrilled that you realize
that a classic is not a
drag just because it's
assigned reading in school.
I think you're gonna do
a terrific job on Monday.
- Dad, with material
like this I can't miss.
I should be through
with this by Sunday night.
I can't wait to see those
kids faces on Monday.
So, at this point in the
book Darnay is back in jail
and he's gonna be executed.
All right, pop quiz.
What did they use
to kill prisoners with
during the French Revolution?
It was the national razor.
Dudley!
It begins with a G.
- Gillette?
(students laughing)
- All right, now, come on,
we just covered
this five minutes ago.
Lisa, you have to
know the answer.
You've answered every
question that's ever been asked
since elementary school.
- I wouldn't answer
a question of yours
if you were the last
teacher on earth.
- I don't believe this.
Now, come on, we just
covered this five minutes ago.
Louise?
You give the class the answer.
- To what?
- To the question.
- What question?
- The question I just asked
about the national razor.
- Don't ask me, I don't
even shave my legs.
- Forget it, Louise.
Charlie, you have to know this.
It was in Pete's
Condensed Classics.
- Know what, Mr. Jackson?
- The answer.
- The answer to what?
- The question.
What question, to...
What is the matter
with you guys?
The answer is the guillotine.
- I hope he doesn't hit
us with that stupid quote
he thinks is so funny.
- I heard that.
And it's not a stupid quote.
It's ironic humor.
What's the matter with you guys?
Why can't I convince you?
(students laughing)
- Settle down, class.
- Oh, that's all
right, Mr. Wilkes.
This is my class
and I'll handle it the
cool, professional way.
(slamming book)
(shouting) I'm keeping all
you meatheads after school
and I wish I had a
guillotine to lop off your...
Um, as I was saying, uh.
This is a great book.
It's about life and
death, love and hate.
It's about the big stuff.
I'm talking bigger than
Madonna, bigger than Rambo.
- I wish Rambo would rescue us.
(students laughing)
- All right, knock it off!
Quiet!
Quiet!
You all think this
is funny, don't you?
Well, it's not, you're the
ones that's losing out.
Now, I'll give you
one last chance.
Now, Darnay is back in jail
and he's gonna be executed.
The whole book hangs on this.
Who saves him?
- Indiana Jones?
(students laughing)
(door slamming)
- Arnold, I just
can't believe that.
That your own friends
would behave that way.
- Yeah, it was awful, Dad.
They didn't pay
any attention to me,
they laughed at me.
I wish I'd have stuck
around long enough
to pile on some homework.
I guess I really blew it, huh?
- Oh, no, of course you didn't.
I'm just sorry that it
wasn't more fun teaching.
- That makes two of us.
- Two and a half of us, Arnold.
(doorbell chimes)
I'll get it.
Wow!
- Hi, Mr. Wilkes.
Very nice to see you again.
Please come in.
- How are you, Mr. Drummond?
- I'm just fine, thanks.
How are you?
- Fine.
- Well, I know that
my homework isn't late,
so I assume you're
here to see Arnold.
He's right over there.
- Wow, Mr. D!
- Uh, Sam, why don't you go
up to your room for a while?
I think maybe your
Go-Bots are a little lonely.
- I'll go upstairs, Mr. D.
But I think you should know
Go-Bots aren't real people.
- Please have a
seat, Mr. Wilkes.
- Thank you.
- Well, I guess you're here
to give me another F, huh?
- Not at all.
I came to compliment you.
I thought you handled that class
about as well as it
could be handled.
It's a shame they
were so rough on you.
I feel responsible
and I'm sorry.
- Yeah, that class was rough.
But you get that all the time
and I want you to know that
if I ever caused you any
trouble, accidentally, of course,
that I'm sorry, too.
- Apology accepted.
Actually, teaching can
be a rewarding experience.
Occasionally.
- I want you to know
that when you assigned
A Tale of Two Cities to
me, that was the best part.
- Mr. Wilkes, I can't tell
you how much I appreciate
your opening Arnold's
eyes to the classics.
- That's good to hear.
These days I don't get
very much positive feedback.
Kids really resist you.
- You know, I've been on
both sides of the desk now
and as a veteran of
the blackboard jungle,
I have to say kids
are tough to teach.
- That's right, Arnold.
And sometimes I wish so
many kids didn't resist learning.
I guess I'm just
a perfectionist.
I wanna reach every kid I teach.
- Well, you sure reached Arnold.
And if anybody can do that,
there's still hope for
the teaching profession.
I thought it was a
very bright idea, too,
to make Arnold teach the class.
- It was, wasn't it?
Come to think of it,
next week I'll let
Dudley teach the class.
- Oh, boy!
I can't wait.
- Arnold!
- I'll be good.
(funky music)
(bright electronic music)
(Sony Pictures fanfare)
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ To move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes ♪
♪ Different strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
(students chattering)
- Uh-oh, fellas,
we're in trouble.
Mr. Wilkes is wearing his
I wish I'd been a
sheep farmer look.
- Are you kidding?
The way he grades tests, I
wish he was a sheep farmer.
- Okay, class, I have
your poetry exams.
I think I'll let your grades
speak for themselves.
- All right, I'm not worried.
I know I aced this one.
- We had one 97 in class.
- Oh, that's mine.
- A 97?
I'll try harder next
time, Mr. Wilkes.
- 97! (scoffs)
Multiply it by four and
you've got your head size.
- Subtract 50 from it
and you've got your IQ.
- Man, Dudley!
Your score and Lisa's
add up to a hundred!
- Mr. Jackson?
- Yes, sir!
- You have considerable ability.
- Thank you, sir.
- I just wish you'd
use it sometimes.
- I do use it, sir, honest.
- Do you?
Well, for your information,
Robert Frost's best known work
is not Frosty the Snowman.
- I just took a wild guess.
- For those of you who did
well, keep up the good work.
For those of you who didn't, I
was thinking about setting up
an informal afterschool
discussion group.
We could really
have some fun with it.
Any takers?
All right.
(crumpling paper) Let's move on.
"Tis a far, far better thing I
do than I have ever done."
- Great, he's sending
us home early.
- Put a lid on it, guys.
This is the most famous line
from our next area of study.
We're gonna leave
poetry behind us.
(students clapping)
Charles Dickens was born
in 1812 in Portsea, England.
From relatively
humble beginnings,
he became one of
England's greatest writers.
You may be familiar with
Dickens from the TV production
of A Christmas Carol.
Have any of you seen it?
Mr. Jackson?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
I missed it, sir.
I was watching Dolly
Parton's Christmas in Peru.
- Now, as we study
Dickens, I don't want you to
think of it as work.
I know poetry
can be a little dry,
but A Tale of Two Cities isn't.
It's exciting, it's about
the French Revolution.
It's fun.
- Yo, sir, could you just
tell us what we need to know
for this test?
- If it's any
comfort to you, sir,
rest assured I'll never come
to school looking like that.
(growling)
- [Wilkes] Okay, okay, okay.
- Try it, Lisa, it'll
be an improvement.
- Very clever, Mr. Jackson.
Why can't you be that
clever when you write?
- Uh, look, sir, I don't
mean to be smart...
- Don't worry about that.
- Sir, I kinda think I'm
wasting my time here.
I mean, it's not practical.
I want to pursue a
career in photography
and I don't think I'm
gonna get an assignment
covering the French Revolution.
- Mr. Jackson, there
are other things in life
besides making money.
Literature can enrich
your life in other ways.
Think about it.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
I want everyone to
read the first 24 chapters.
(students groaning)
There'll be a test
this Thursday.
And I expect better
grades than last time.
- I'll certainly try harder
next time, Mr. Wilkes.
(students scoff)
(highlighter squeaking)
- Dudley, what are you doing?
- Underlining the
stuff I don't understand.
See?
(doorbell chimes)
- That's gotta be Charlie.
You're late!
- I'm brilliant!
Come here.
I have a solution
to our problem.
- You found an answer sheet?
- Almost as good.
This book condenses
the classics.
- What's it called?
- Pete's Condensed Classics.
- All right!
- I don't know, you
guys, about using that.
You know, if my Dad found
out, he'd get pretty mad.
I think our best bet is
just to go with the book.
- Are you kidding?
Parents always want you
to do things the hard way.
- They're weird, aren't they?
It must be part of
their marriage vows.
I promise to love, honor,
and annoy my children.
- I think we'd just better
stick with the book, guys.
- You know, I like reading, too,
but have you seen
how long this thing is?
- Yeah, reading all those
words makes my lips tired.
- Well, like I told Mr. Wilkes,
I can't make any money with this
or get a job, so...
Well, I guess we'll
have to go with this.
- Hooray, Pete!
- Charlie, you're a bigger
weasel than I thought.
- Well, thank you.
- Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
- We're studying, Sam.
It's nothing that concerns you.
It's real guy stuff.
- Then why do you
have it, Dudley?
If it's real guy stuff,
does that mean it's dirty?
The kinda stuff I'm
not supposed to see
even though I wouldn't
know what it was if I saw it?
- No, Sam.
Mr. Wilkes would never
assign us a dirty book.
Now, look, Sam, you're just
gonna have to leave us alone.
If you don't go I'm
going to have to
take you to a movie
and buy you popcorn
and anything you want!
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Mr. D.
- Hi, boys.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Drummond.
- Having a little study session?
- Oh, studying our brains out.
- That's right.
- Yeah, they're
studying this dirty book.
- What?
- What a kidder.
Dad, remember our
teacher, Mr. Wilkes?
- Um...
- He was the one that walks
around with a flashing red hat
so planes don't crash into him.
- Right, of course.
A very nice fellow.
- Well, he's teaching
us A Tale of Two Cities.
- Really?
You know, this is one
of my favorite books.
Dig this.
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.
It was the age of wisdom, it
was the age of foolishness."
- Huh?
- Charlie, those are
very important lines.
See, they set the stage
for the French Revolution.
They set the mood
for the entire book.
That is a marvelous
piece of literature.
- Boy, Mr. D, you're so smart!
If you knew how to clean
catfish, you'd know everything.
- Thank you, Sam.
What do you say you and I
do something really clever?
Let's research a piece
of Pearl's apple pie.
- Boy, it's great having
a genius for a dad!
- Sets the tone for the book.
It's a great piece
of literature.
That could come
in handy tomorrow.
You know, between Dad's
quotes and Pete's notes,
we got it made in the shade.
Sydney Carton is who?
- Charles Darney.
- Right, and what
was Carton's big?
- Drinking.
- Right.
And what happens to Dr. Manette?
- He goes nuts.
- Right!
And what's the name of the evil?
- Madame Defarge.
- Right, hey!
- How could you three
stooges know so much?
- Well, maybe we're
not as dumb as you look.
(students chattering)
- Morning, class.
Everyone ready for today's test?
(class groans)
Not so much enthusiasm,
this is an old building.
(Lisa laughs loudly)
Thank you, Miss Hayes.
Now, before we start the test
I have a surprise for
the class and here it is.
Pete's Condensed Classics.
Look familiar?
It occurred to me that
some of you might decide
to read the notes instead
of reading the book.
Actually, this is a
very good study tool,
but it was meant to be used
after you've read the book.
Unfortunately, some
students read them
instead of reading the book.
And that's a Mr. Wilkes no-no.
So I've designed
a test that you can't
possibly pass unless
you've read the book.
Have fun.
(students chattering)
- I mean, how can
he expect us to...
- Good morning, class.
(students groaning)
Never in 15 years of
teaching have I seen
anything like this.
Obviously, only a handful of
you decided to read the book.
- I read it twice, Mr. Wilkes.
- [Students] Sit down!
- Enough, Lisa.
One of the few
intelligent remarks
were Arnold Jackson's
comments on the opening lines.
- I'm saved!
- Unfortunately that
wasn't nearly enough.
- I'm unsaved.
- Class, these books
were not assigned
to make your lives miserable.
- No, that's what
non-dairy cream is for.
- Now, class,
you're freshmen now
and I've tried to treat
you like young adults,
but obviously with
this class I was wrong.
I can't teach a class
that refuses to learn
and this class refuses.
I'm gonna try and
say it one more time.
You're expected to
behave like young adults.
- Since when do young
adults get yelled at like this?
- Thank you, Mr. Jackson,
you've just volunteered.
- Me?
What'd I volunteer for?
- Starting Monday, you're
gonna teach the class
A Tale of Two
Cities from page one.
Alone.
- What?
Teach?
- Yeah, you know, what I
try to do in here every day.
- Uh, teach...
I'll be ready to
teach by Monday.
- Good, because if not,
you'll be reading Mr. Dickens
during summer school.
Believe it.
- I believe.
(car horns honking)
- Now, then, what
is all this about?
- Well, uh...
It all started when
I got a bad grade
on my Tale of Two Cities test.
- Well, how bad is bad?
- I did beat Dudley
by 30 points.
- How could this happen?
I saw you and your friends
studying A Tale of Two Cities.
- Well, we weren't
exactly studying the book.
- Well, then what were
you exactly studying?
- This.
- Wait a minute.
A few days ago I thought that...
Oh, I get it.
You deliberately deceived me.
You were using this.
- Right.
- Well, what bothers
me even more
is that you've cheated yourself.
I don't know whether to
be disappointed or angry.
- Can I suggest disappointed?
- I think angry is better.
I thought you liked to read.
- I do, Dad, I love to read,
but when a teacher makes
you read it becomes a drag.
- Now, Arnold, that is
a very childish attitude.
Nevertheless, your responsibility
was to read that book,
not try to shortcut it.
A little discipline
and hard work,
that's what pays off in life.
- Well, for what
it's worth, Dad,
I'm gonna work hard
at this teaching thing.
First thing I'm gonna
do is warm up the class
with some one liners.
- Look, I want you to
forget the one liners.
I want you to sit down and
read A Tale of Two Cities
from cover to cover.
I want you to be really
prepared to teach that class
and there'll be no
shortcuts this time around.
- But Dad, it's the weekend!
Do I have to?
- Yes.
And if you don't, you
know what it'll be?
- No.
- The worst of times.
(Arnold sighs)
- I need mood music.
Hmm, Tale of Two Cities.
France.
French Revolution, Europe.
England.
Mick Jagger!
Perfect.
♪ It was the best of times ♪
♪ It was the worst
of times baby ♪
(Mr. Drummond clapping)
Uh, just psyching
myself up, Dad.
"From the dimly lighted
passages of the court,
the last sediment of the
human stew that had been
boiling there all day
was straining off."
Wow!
("La Marseillaise")
- Arnold!
Are you still reading that book?
- Dad, this book is great!
- I don't think I
heard correctly.
I said are you still reading
that book and you said?
- Dad, this book is great!
Dad, why didn't you tell
me this book was so good?
- I guess it just
slipped my mind.
- Dad, this Charles
Dickens is a better writer
than Joan Collins' sister.
Listen, check this out.
This is what us scholars
call ironic humor.
He's talking about
the guillotine.
"It was the best
cure for headaches.
The national razor,
which shaved close."
I love it!
- Arnold, I can't tell
you how happy I am
to hear you say that.
- Thanks for making
me read it, Dad.
I never knew anything
so old could be so neat.
Well, of course,
you can be neat.
- You see, Arnold, a
classic is something
that lasts for a long time and
speaks to each new generation
because it's neat.
But really, I'm
thrilled that you realize
that a classic is not a
drag just because it's
assigned reading in school.
I think you're gonna do
a terrific job on Monday.
- Dad, with material
like this I can't miss.
I should be through
with this by Sunday night.
I can't wait to see those
kids faces on Monday.
So, at this point in the
book Darnay is back in jail
and he's gonna be executed.
All right, pop quiz.
What did they use
to kill prisoners with
during the French Revolution?
It was the national razor.
Dudley!
It begins with a G.
- Gillette?
(students laughing)
- All right, now, come on,
we just covered
this five minutes ago.
Lisa, you have to
know the answer.
You've answered every
question that's ever been asked
since elementary school.
- I wouldn't answer
a question of yours
if you were the last
teacher on earth.
- I don't believe this.
Now, come on, we just
covered this five minutes ago.
Louise?
You give the class the answer.
- To what?
- To the question.
- What question?
- The question I just asked
about the national razor.
- Don't ask me, I don't
even shave my legs.
- Forget it, Louise.
Charlie, you have to know this.
It was in Pete's
Condensed Classics.
- Know what, Mr. Jackson?
- The answer.
- The answer to what?
- The question.
What question, to...
What is the matter
with you guys?
The answer is the guillotine.
- I hope he doesn't hit
us with that stupid quote
he thinks is so funny.
- I heard that.
And it's not a stupid quote.
It's ironic humor.
What's the matter with you guys?
Why can't I convince you?
(students laughing)
- Settle down, class.
- Oh, that's all
right, Mr. Wilkes.
This is my class
and I'll handle it the
cool, professional way.
(slamming book)
(shouting) I'm keeping all
you meatheads after school
and I wish I had a
guillotine to lop off your...
Um, as I was saying, uh.
This is a great book.
It's about life and
death, love and hate.
It's about the big stuff.
I'm talking bigger than
Madonna, bigger than Rambo.
- I wish Rambo would rescue us.
(students laughing)
- All right, knock it off!
Quiet!
Quiet!
You all think this
is funny, don't you?
Well, it's not, you're the
ones that's losing out.
Now, I'll give you
one last chance.
Now, Darnay is back in jail
and he's gonna be executed.
The whole book hangs on this.
Who saves him?
- Indiana Jones?
(students laughing)
(door slamming)
- Arnold, I just
can't believe that.
That your own friends
would behave that way.
- Yeah, it was awful, Dad.
They didn't pay
any attention to me,
they laughed at me.
I wish I'd have stuck
around long enough
to pile on some homework.
I guess I really blew it, huh?
- Oh, no, of course you didn't.
I'm just sorry that it
wasn't more fun teaching.
- That makes two of us.
- Two and a half of us, Arnold.
(doorbell chimes)
I'll get it.
Wow!
- Hi, Mr. Wilkes.
Very nice to see you again.
Please come in.
- How are you, Mr. Drummond?
- I'm just fine, thanks.
How are you?
- Fine.
- Well, I know that
my homework isn't late,
so I assume you're
here to see Arnold.
He's right over there.
- Wow, Mr. D!
- Uh, Sam, why don't you go
up to your room for a while?
I think maybe your
Go-Bots are a little lonely.
- I'll go upstairs, Mr. D.
But I think you should know
Go-Bots aren't real people.
- Please have a
seat, Mr. Wilkes.
- Thank you.
- Well, I guess you're here
to give me another F, huh?
- Not at all.
I came to compliment you.
I thought you handled that class
about as well as it
could be handled.
It's a shame they
were so rough on you.
I feel responsible
and I'm sorry.
- Yeah, that class was rough.
But you get that all the time
and I want you to know that
if I ever caused you any
trouble, accidentally, of course,
that I'm sorry, too.
- Apology accepted.
Actually, teaching can
be a rewarding experience.
Occasionally.
- I want you to know
that when you assigned
A Tale of Two Cities to
me, that was the best part.
- Mr. Wilkes, I can't tell
you how much I appreciate
your opening Arnold's
eyes to the classics.
- That's good to hear.
These days I don't get
very much positive feedback.
Kids really resist you.
- You know, I've been on
both sides of the desk now
and as a veteran of
the blackboard jungle,
I have to say kids
are tough to teach.
- That's right, Arnold.
And sometimes I wish so
many kids didn't resist learning.
I guess I'm just
a perfectionist.
I wanna reach every kid I teach.
- Well, you sure reached Arnold.
And if anybody can do that,
there's still hope for
the teaching profession.
I thought it was a
very bright idea, too,
to make Arnold teach the class.
- It was, wasn't it?
Come to think of it,
next week I'll let
Dudley teach the class.
- Oh, boy!
I can't wait.
- Arnold!
- I'll be good.
(funky music)
(bright electronic music)
(Sony Pictures fanfare)