Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 8, Episode 16 - The Big Bribe - full transcript
Seeing that Arnold is afraid to ask out a pretty girl from his school, Willis bribes her with concert tickets so that she will ask him out. The plan backfires when Arnold eventually finds out.
♪ Now, the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪
♪ It takes, Diff'rent Strokes ♪
♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs ♪
♪ And you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ Because it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes Different
Strokes to move the world ♪
- Yep, good old
Hamburger Hanger.
Yep, yep, yep, I used
to come here everyday,
just like you guys.
A lot of memories here.
- I have a feeling your
brother's about to bore us.
- Count on it.
(audience laughing)
- You know, every booth here
has a special meaning to me?
- I was in that one
when I first kissed a girl.
- Yeah, and isn't that
the one you landed in
when her boyfriend decked you?
(audience laughing)
- No, it was that
one over there.
Hey, hey, over
here, my lucky booth.
Good old number 18.
This hunk of vinyl's
been pretty good to me.
Gentlemen, when it
comes to attracting women,
this is the lightening
rod of love.
- That's strange,
when Arnold sits in it,
the lightening rod
becomes a roach motel.
(audience laughing)
- Oh man, here it goes.
My insides are
turning cartwheels.
My head's on the ceiling,
and my stomach's doing a rumba.
(audience laughing)
- The food here
does that to me too.
(audience laughing)
- No, Willis, it's that
girl over there, Phyllis.
Arnold's crazy about her.
- Oh yeah, I know
her older sister, Ann.
Yeah, Phyllis isn't bad.
Why don't you ask
her out, Arnold?
- Are you kidding?
For starters, she
doesn't even know me,
and she only dates guys
who are athletic,
brainy, and good looking.
- Which makes
Arnold zero for three.
(audience laughing)
- Shut up, or I'll tell everyone
you have Muppet underwear.
(audience laughing)
- Look Arnold, I will
introduce you to her.
I know her older
sister, come on.
- Uh, I don't know, Willis.
- Arnold, she's
only flesh and blood.
- Yeah, but all that flesh
and blood's in the right places.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, why don't
you listen to Willis?
Go for it, take a chance.
- Well, why not,
what do I gotta lose?
- Your dignity.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Charlie.
- Hey Arnold, have
you figured out
what you're gonna
say to her yet?
- I have to talk to her?
(audience laughing)
- Come on.
Hi Ann.
- Hey, look who's back
from college, Willis Jackson.
How are you?
- Good.
- You know my sister Phyllis.
- Hi.
- Hi, this is my
brother, Arnold.
- Hi, Arnold.
- Hi.
(audience laughing)
- Phyllis, do you
know you and Arnold
both go to Buchanan High?
- You know, I probably
passed you in the halls
a million times and
never noticed you.
(Arnold mumbles)
What was that, Arnold?
- (chuckles) What he
was trying to say was,
hey baby, how about me and
you making up for lost time?
(audience laughing)
- That smooth talk does
run in the family, Phyllis.
- That's not what it
sounded like to me.
- (chuckles) No, I
think what Arnold
was really trying
to say was, Arnold.
(audience laughing)
Oh, man.
- Willis, something tells me
you're trying to fix up
your brother with Phyllis.
- Something tells
me you're right.
Something else tells me
I just made my little
brother feel awfully stupid.
- Listen Willis, that's
really nice of you,
but I don't even know Arnold.
- But you guys would
have a great time.
You'd like him.
You have a lot in common.
What do you like to do?
- Ah, go to the opera.
- What?
- The opera, amazing.
Arnold loves the opera.
You know, he's even got a pinup
of Beverly Sills over his bed?
(audience laughing)
- Nice try.
- Willis, what you're
trying to do is really sweet,
and Arnold, I mean, he
seems like a nice guy,
but don't you think you're
pushing things a little bit?
- I'm not pushing.
You like big weddings?
(audience laughing)
The truth, Phyllis, what
do you really like to do?
- I don't know, I guess the
usual stuff, movies, concerts.
- Ah concerts,
like which groups?
- Mostly New Wave groups.
You know, like The Rockos,
Superflash, Rainbow Lobotomy, oh.
- Rainbow Lobotomy,
you're kidding?
- I know, I know, they're
Arnold's favorite too, right?
- No no, my roommates
father is Rainbow's manager.
- Really?
- Would I lie to you?
- [Phyllis And Ann] Yes!
(audience laughing)
- Very funny.
No, I'm telling you
the truth, so help.
My roommate even offered
me free tickets for this weekend.
VIP seating, front row, center.
You want them?
- I'd die for seats like that.
I'd do anything.
- Will you go with Arnold?
- Look, I feel strange going out
with someone
just for free tickets.
- I can get
backstage passes too.
- Backstage passes?
Come to think of it
I kinda like Arnold.
- Phyllis.
- Come on, for Rainbow Lobotomy
let me bend the
rules a little bit.
- (chuckles) All
right, all right.
- Tell him to dress rainbow.
- Rainbow, great,
Arnold's gonna be thrilled.
Hey, and don't forget,
not a word of this to him.
- Don't worry, I
won't say a word.
- Hey now, what would it take
to get you to go out with me?
- You could try asking nicely.
- I never thought of that.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, take that,
and that, and, and!
(audience laughing)
(Sam laughs loudly)
- Sam, it's not that funny.
- Yes, it is (laughing).
- I know it looks silly,
but Phyllis said
you have to dress
like this for the concert.
- Who's playing, Don King?
(audience laughing)
- Rainbow Lobotomy.
- Hey, who are you,
and what have you done
with Arnold Jackson?
(audience laughing)
- Oh Dad, he's dressed
for the concert, get with it.
- Hey, I'm plenty with it.
When I was young we used to
do the same kind of crazy things
when we went to see Sinatra.
We all wore bow ties.
(audience laughing)
Come on, Sam, time to go to bed.
- Oh, but can't I make fun of
Arnold for five more minutes?
(audience laughing)
- Cool it, Sam, or I'm
gonna sic my hair on you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess this
isn't the last time
to see Arnold do
something stupid (chuckles).
- Have fun, Arnold (chuckles).
- You know, Willis,
I can't figure why
a gorgeous girl like Phyllis
wants to invite me out.
- Come on, Arnold,
cut the modesty act.
She obviously liked
talking to you the other day.
- But I didn't talk.
I just stood there
listening to my stomach
doing the rumba again.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe she likes
the strong, silent type,
or maybe it's your presence.
- What presence, I ran away.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you played hard to get.
I've been playing
hard to get for years.
- I know, it's hard for me to
get why girls bother with you.
(audience laughing)
You know, Willis, I just
still can't figure this out.
- Oh, Arnold, nothing that
girls do ever make any sense.
It's part of their ambiance.
That and their legs.
(audience laughing)
So come on, Arnold,
just relax and be yourself.
- Sure, be myself.
If I can't be myself,
I can be Bozo.
(audience laughing)
- You know, seeing Arnold
get dressed up to go to a concert
brings back a lot of memories.
I met my first wife,
Lydia, at a concert.
- You did?
- Yeah, I really caught her eye
when my bow tie fell into
her orange drink (laughs).
(audience laughing)
I hope Arnold has
as much fun as I did.
- Dad, he's with Phyllis.
It can only go one way.
I mean, she is hot.
She is zooming.
She is noise.
She is digital, she's.
- That really warms my heart.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, Arnold's getting
to be quite the ladies man.
- Yeah, he is.
Although, I must confess.
The old doctor of love had
a hand or two in this one.
- Oh, were you the
matchmaker, Willis?
- Yep, it took the
Willis Jackson touch.
A little savvy, a little magic,
and a couple of free
Rainbow Lobotomy tickets.
- Now, wait a minute.
You mean you gave this
Phyllis free concert tickets
so she's go out with Arnold?
- Come on, Dad,
he needed a little help
getting his foot in the door.
- You bought your
brother a date.
Does Arnold know about this?
- No, that's the beauty of it.
He really thinks
Phyllis likes him.
- Willis, that is a
terrible thing to do.
- Oh, I know, Dad.
He's gonna leave the
concert with no eardrums.
(audience laughing)
♪ Hey baby, you're the best ♪
♪ Do me a favor
and take my test ♪
♪ Baby, baby, it's agreed ♪
♪ I'll play my music till your
eardrums bleed, wahoo ♪
(audience laughing)
- Willis, how in the world
could you do such a thing?
- Oh, it's easy, Dad.
♪ Hey baby ♪
(audience laughing)
- I mean buy your
brother a date.
- Oh, Dad, it's only
a little matchmaking.
- No, no, it is not matchmaking.
It's a bribe.
Now, how could
you be so insensitive
to your brother's feelings?
- Oh, come on, Dad, he'll
have a good time with her,
and won't even know
about the tickets.
- That'll only make
matters worse.
Don't you see,
all you're gonna do is build
up false hopes for Arnold.
What's gonna
happen the next time
he asks her out and she says no?
He will be devastated.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
I didn't think about that.
- I guess you didn't.
Willis, I know you meant well,
but Arnold must be told
the truth before he gets hurt.
- It's not gonna be easy, Dad.
He's gonna take
this really hard.
- Hey, yeah!
- Hi, Arnold.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Arnold, so be careful
how you tell him, Dad.
- Listen, Willis, you created
this mess, you do the talking.
- Dad, it was a blast!
- Dad, you know
I can't be trusted.
Look how I screwed
things up already.
- How'd it go, go good?
- Oh, Dad, it was
absolutely incredible.
We danced so hard,
I even hurt my hair.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm glad you
liked the concert.
- Are you kidding,
Rainbow Lobotomy stunk.
It stunk so bad the lead
singer went home early,
but I had a great
time with Phyllis.
- Oh, oh, really?
- Incredible, you know,
it was really nice
of her to invite me.
I bet she went
through a lot of trouble
to get those tickets.
- Ah, I can imagine.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, check out these pictures
we took in the photo booth.
Phyllis is so cute.
She said, Arnold, you
couldn't take a bad picture
even if you wanted to.
What could I say?
The girl is in love with me.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Arnold, look,
you have to be careful
not to jump into these
things too quickly.
- Oh, don't worry, Dad.
I think I know a good
thing when I see it,
and after all, she
did ask me out.
- Ah, true, Arnold,
but um, you don't waste
all your time just on one girl.
I mean, you gotta spread
your wealth around.
I've got wealth in
12 Eastern states.
(audience laughing)
- But I've already
found the right person,
and I owe it all to you, Willis.
- No, you don't.
- Hey, you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna surprise Phyllis.
I'm gonna have this
picture of me enlarged,
and give it to her
on our next date.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, start talking.
- Ah, Arnold, ah look,
sit down for just a minute.
- Sure, Dad, what is it?
- Well, I think there's
something that we should discuss
before you ask
Phyllis to go out again.
- It's too late, Dad.
She already asked me out again.
- Ah, you're kidding?
- It's like you said, Willis,
who can figure women?
Anyway, what'd you
wanna say to me, Dad?
- Ah, well, it's just that ah,
I'm delighted that
everything's working out well
with you and Phyllis.
- Thanks, Dad, so is she.
(audience laughing)
(Willis chuckles)
(audience laughing)
- Willis, are you sure
you don't mind seeing
this movie again?
I mean, it's your fourth time.
- Look Ann, I said I've
been to it four times,
but is doesn't mean
I've seen it four times,
and I don't plan
on seeing it again.
- (chuckles) Well, you're gonna
be seeing it this
time, believe me.
(Arnold scoffs)
You know, to bad
Arnold and Phyllis
didn't wanna come with us.
- I know, that would've had fun.
- I'm still surprised that
Phyllis went out with Arnold.
- Well, if you remember,
it took my charms and
talents as a matchmaker.
- Yeah, and a bribe
of free concert tickets.
Pretty sneaky, Willis,
but I guess it makes no
difference how they got together.
- Of course, no
one had to bribe you
with any free concert tickets
to take me out (clears throat).
- Oh, no?
(audience laughing)
Come on, I don't wanna miss
the beginning of the movie.
- All right, hey, I
got a better idea.
Why don't we save
money and sit on the couch
and not watch the movie?
- Willis, out.
- Ouch!
(audience laughing)
(audience sighs)
(audience applauding)
Hey Arnold, what a great movie.
You know, it really
makes a difference
when you face the screen.
(audience laughing)
- Willis, just don't talk to me.
- What's wrong, Arnold?
- Willis, you made
me look like a fool.
You gave Phyllis those
tickets to take me out.
- Whoever said that is a liar.
- Ann said it.
- Well, I, I think what
she meant was um.
- I know what she meant.
I heard her say it.
- Look Arnold, you can't
believe a word they say
when they're around me.
I mean, their
brains turn to mush.
(audience laughing)
Look, Arnold, it's
not how it sounds.
- Willis, just leave me alone.
- Arnold, all I was
trying to do was help.
Look how everything turned
out with you and Phyllis.
- Oh yeah, it worked
out good for you.
You got by with just
some free tickets.
Phyllis could've
held out for a fur coat.
(audience laughing)
Let me tell you something,
Arnold Jackson doesn't
need it, you big creep.
- Look, Arnold, all
I was trying to do
was help you out with your date.
- Oh, that's help for me?
- Yeah, she's a nice girl.
- [Arnold] Look at all
the girls I got on my own.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, what is all this commotion?
- It's a fight, Mr. D.
You know, most parents
know these things.
(audience laughing)
- I don't ever want
anything to do
with my brother ever again.
- Why, what'd I do?
(audience laughing)
- Not you, Sam.
- Oh good, but I
better get outta here
before you find something.
(audience laughing)
- Now Arnold, would
you please explain to me
what's going on here?
- All this stuff with
Phyllis was a big joke.
Willis paid her to take me out.
He's got to be the biggest
jerk I've ever met in my life.
- Ah, Arnold.
- Dad, I can't believe him.
Not only did he do that,
he was willing to let it go on.
- Ah listen, son, um, I
know what Willis did.
- You knew and you
didn't say anything either?
- I'm sorry, Arnold.
- I just can't believe this.
How could you do that?
You're as bad as Willis.
- Look, son, I saw
how happy you were,
and I just didn't wanna
burst your bubble,
and I thought that everything
would turn out okay.
- Oh no, you just
let me rant and rave
and brag about Phyllis,
and act like a fool instead.
- Arnold, you weren't
making a fool of yourself.
Phyllis really does like you.
- Oh, don't give
me that garbage.
I fell for that once before.
- She really does.
She wants to keep
going out with you, right?
- Well, how much
paying for that?
- Nothing.
- Oh, a bargain.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Arnold, I
understand how you feel.
- You don't
understand how I feel.
If you did, you
wouldn't have done this.
How can my own
family do this to me?
- Sorry, Dad.
- Arnold, something's
wrong with old number 18.
I've been sitting
here for three hours.
Not a single girl's
come over to talk to me.
One started to, but then
she put on her glasses.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, I really
don't feel like hearing
any more about this booth.
- Oh sure, what do you care?
See, you have Phyllis,
but no, I'm all alone.
It's just me and
my turtle, Fred.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, I do have to worry.
Me and Phyllis,
well, we're history.
- Really, what happened, Arnold?
- Well, you know,
our relationship,
it kind of hit some peaks,
and then it made a
left turn at boredom,
and a right turn to comatose,
and we just slid
into Death Valley.
(audience laughing)
I guess we just weren't
made for each other.
- Man Arnold, for a
girl like that I'd change.
I'd grow more arms, ears,
backs, necks, anything she wanted.
- Charlie, there are some things
that are just
impossible to change.
- Not today, Arnold.
See, they're making
miracles with plastic surgery.
You know, my family
paid a lot of money,
and now they let my little
sister sit at the dinner table.
(audience laughing)
- Never mind, Charlie.
I'm just a bachelor
now, just like you.
- No Arnold, I have a turtle.
(audience laughing)
Hey Arnold, old number
18 is working again.
A girl finally stopped here.
- Hi, Charlie, do you mind?
We have some very, very
personal things to talk about.
- Oh no, not at all, Phyllis.
Here, have a seat.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, goodbye.
- No, Arnold, you
better stick around.
Phyllis may wanna
talk to you too.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, leave.
- Is it okay if I sit down?
- I don't care.
- Arnold, Ann told
me you found out.
Look, I'm really sorry
about this whole thing.
- You should be.
It was a terrible, lowdown,
rotten thing you did to me.
It was degrading
and humiliating.
- You don't have to
say any more, Arnold,
because I feel awful
about what I did,
but don't you understand,
I still wanna keep
going out with you.
- Why, you trying
to buy a condo?
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, what I did was wrong,
but if i hadn't done it,
I never would've met you,
and found out what a
terrific guy you were.
- You're not just saying that?
- I really mean it,
and I really mean it when I say
I wanna keep going out with you,
and it's really important
that you believe me.
- Well, okay, I believe you.
- Thanks.
(audience cheers)
- I really believe you.
(audience laughing)
But, keep convincing me.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. D.
- Yeah.
- Can I dump all
my computer stocks
and invest in fast foods?
- Sure, Sam, but why?
- 'Cause I wanna go to
a stockholders meeting
with Ronald McDonald.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, is Arnold home yet?
- [Philip] Not yet, Willis.
- Oh um, I wish
he would get back,
so I could explain to him.
Maybe he wouldn't be so hurt.
- Look, Willis, I feel
as badly as you do,
but we're just going
to have to rely on time
to heal this wound.
- Yeah, but you would've
thought in two weeks
he would've said more
than two words to me.
- Arnold, how about
a movie tonight?
Willis was just telling me
about one that's terrific.
He's already seen it five times.
- I got a date tonight.
- Oh, who's the fox, Arnold?
- Phyllis.
- Phyllis.
- How many tickets
did it cost you?
(audience laughing)
- I'm just thrilled
at your great news.
Good for you, son.
- All right, looks like
Dr. Love scores again.
See, everything
worked out great.
- Oh, it worked
out fine with Phyllis.
I still haven't forgotten
what you guys did to me.
- Come on, Arnold.
- Now, Arnold, you know that
we were not trying to hurt you.
- They really weren't, Arnold.
You've got to believe me.
I'm your friend.
- Obviously not,
you're taking their side.
- No, Arnold.
- Just but out, Sam.
- Now I'm getting yelled at,
and I had nothing to do with it.
(audience laughing)
- What can we do to
make you understand?
- Yeah, I mean, we tried
taking you out to dinner,
inviting you to a
movie, everything.
- Oh yeah, bribing.
That's right up
your alley, Willis.
(audience laughing)
- Now, Arnold, really,
I don't think that's fair.
- Dad, just forget it.
I don't even wanna hear it.
I mean, this family isn't
even worth listening to.
- Hold it right
there, young man.
We've heard just
about enough out of you.
Now, I know that
what we did hurt you,
but we thought we were
doing it for your benefit,
and you know that.
Now, you can disregard
that if you want to.
That's your business.
We said we're sorry,
but you are not about
to cop and attitude,
and make everybody else's
life around here a living hell.
Do you understand that?
- Yes, sir.
- Maybe you better
just go to your room
and think about that.
- Ah, Dad, wait a minute.
I don't want it to be this way.
- Neither do I.
- Me neither.
- Double me neither.
- Look, you guys,
I'm really sorry.
I guess I did
carry this too far,
but it just hurt so bad
coming from you guys.
I mean, you're my family.
- I know, son.
- Dad, I feel pretty
lousy about all of this.
- That's okay, you don't have
to be too hard on yourself.
- I know, I just wish
there was some way
I could make it up to you guys.
- Arnold, that is not necessary.
- Well, I think it is.
(audience laughing)
I got yelled at for no reason,
so I want a new GI Joe doll,
more time to play with my
Country and Western albums,
and I want the good
side of the room,
and when you two
guys are with girls,
I wanna listen in, okay,
and you know (mumbles).
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
("It Takes Diff'rent Strokes")
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪
♪ It takes, Diff'rent Strokes ♪
♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs ♪
♪ And you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ Because it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes Different
Strokes to move the world ♪
- Yep, good old
Hamburger Hanger.
Yep, yep, yep, I used
to come here everyday,
just like you guys.
A lot of memories here.
- I have a feeling your
brother's about to bore us.
- Count on it.
(audience laughing)
- You know, every booth here
has a special meaning to me?
- I was in that one
when I first kissed a girl.
- Yeah, and isn't that
the one you landed in
when her boyfriend decked you?
(audience laughing)
- No, it was that
one over there.
Hey, hey, over
here, my lucky booth.
Good old number 18.
This hunk of vinyl's
been pretty good to me.
Gentlemen, when it
comes to attracting women,
this is the lightening
rod of love.
- That's strange,
when Arnold sits in it,
the lightening rod
becomes a roach motel.
(audience laughing)
- Oh man, here it goes.
My insides are
turning cartwheels.
My head's on the ceiling,
and my stomach's doing a rumba.
(audience laughing)
- The food here
does that to me too.
(audience laughing)
- No, Willis, it's that
girl over there, Phyllis.
Arnold's crazy about her.
- Oh yeah, I know
her older sister, Ann.
Yeah, Phyllis isn't bad.
Why don't you ask
her out, Arnold?
- Are you kidding?
For starters, she
doesn't even know me,
and she only dates guys
who are athletic,
brainy, and good looking.
- Which makes
Arnold zero for three.
(audience laughing)
- Shut up, or I'll tell everyone
you have Muppet underwear.
(audience laughing)
- Look Arnold, I will
introduce you to her.
I know her older
sister, come on.
- Uh, I don't know, Willis.
- Arnold, she's
only flesh and blood.
- Yeah, but all that flesh
and blood's in the right places.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, why don't
you listen to Willis?
Go for it, take a chance.
- Well, why not,
what do I gotta lose?
- Your dignity.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Charlie.
- Hey Arnold, have
you figured out
what you're gonna
say to her yet?
- I have to talk to her?
(audience laughing)
- Come on.
Hi Ann.
- Hey, look who's back
from college, Willis Jackson.
How are you?
- Good.
- You know my sister Phyllis.
- Hi.
- Hi, this is my
brother, Arnold.
- Hi, Arnold.
- Hi.
(audience laughing)
- Phyllis, do you
know you and Arnold
both go to Buchanan High?
- You know, I probably
passed you in the halls
a million times and
never noticed you.
(Arnold mumbles)
What was that, Arnold?
- (chuckles) What he
was trying to say was,
hey baby, how about me and
you making up for lost time?
(audience laughing)
- That smooth talk does
run in the family, Phyllis.
- That's not what it
sounded like to me.
- (chuckles) No, I
think what Arnold
was really trying
to say was, Arnold.
(audience laughing)
Oh, man.
- Willis, something tells me
you're trying to fix up
your brother with Phyllis.
- Something tells
me you're right.
Something else tells me
I just made my little
brother feel awfully stupid.
- Listen Willis, that's
really nice of you,
but I don't even know Arnold.
- But you guys would
have a great time.
You'd like him.
You have a lot in common.
What do you like to do?
- Ah, go to the opera.
- What?
- The opera, amazing.
Arnold loves the opera.
You know, he's even got a pinup
of Beverly Sills over his bed?
(audience laughing)
- Nice try.
- Willis, what you're
trying to do is really sweet,
and Arnold, I mean, he
seems like a nice guy,
but don't you think you're
pushing things a little bit?
- I'm not pushing.
You like big weddings?
(audience laughing)
The truth, Phyllis, what
do you really like to do?
- I don't know, I guess the
usual stuff, movies, concerts.
- Ah concerts,
like which groups?
- Mostly New Wave groups.
You know, like The Rockos,
Superflash, Rainbow Lobotomy, oh.
- Rainbow Lobotomy,
you're kidding?
- I know, I know, they're
Arnold's favorite too, right?
- No no, my roommates
father is Rainbow's manager.
- Really?
- Would I lie to you?
- [Phyllis And Ann] Yes!
(audience laughing)
- Very funny.
No, I'm telling you
the truth, so help.
My roommate even offered
me free tickets for this weekend.
VIP seating, front row, center.
You want them?
- I'd die for seats like that.
I'd do anything.
- Will you go with Arnold?
- Look, I feel strange going out
with someone
just for free tickets.
- I can get
backstage passes too.
- Backstage passes?
Come to think of it
I kinda like Arnold.
- Phyllis.
- Come on, for Rainbow Lobotomy
let me bend the
rules a little bit.
- (chuckles) All
right, all right.
- Tell him to dress rainbow.
- Rainbow, great,
Arnold's gonna be thrilled.
Hey, and don't forget,
not a word of this to him.
- Don't worry, I
won't say a word.
- Hey now, what would it take
to get you to go out with me?
- You could try asking nicely.
- I never thought of that.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, take that,
and that, and, and!
(audience laughing)
(Sam laughs loudly)
- Sam, it's not that funny.
- Yes, it is (laughing).
- I know it looks silly,
but Phyllis said
you have to dress
like this for the concert.
- Who's playing, Don King?
(audience laughing)
- Rainbow Lobotomy.
- Hey, who are you,
and what have you done
with Arnold Jackson?
(audience laughing)
- Oh Dad, he's dressed
for the concert, get with it.
- Hey, I'm plenty with it.
When I was young we used to
do the same kind of crazy things
when we went to see Sinatra.
We all wore bow ties.
(audience laughing)
Come on, Sam, time to go to bed.
- Oh, but can't I make fun of
Arnold for five more minutes?
(audience laughing)
- Cool it, Sam, or I'm
gonna sic my hair on you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess this
isn't the last time
to see Arnold do
something stupid (chuckles).
- Have fun, Arnold (chuckles).
- You know, Willis,
I can't figure why
a gorgeous girl like Phyllis
wants to invite me out.
- Come on, Arnold,
cut the modesty act.
She obviously liked
talking to you the other day.
- But I didn't talk.
I just stood there
listening to my stomach
doing the rumba again.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe she likes
the strong, silent type,
or maybe it's your presence.
- What presence, I ran away.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you played hard to get.
I've been playing
hard to get for years.
- I know, it's hard for me to
get why girls bother with you.
(audience laughing)
You know, Willis, I just
still can't figure this out.
- Oh, Arnold, nothing that
girls do ever make any sense.
It's part of their ambiance.
That and their legs.
(audience laughing)
So come on, Arnold,
just relax and be yourself.
- Sure, be myself.
If I can't be myself,
I can be Bozo.
(audience laughing)
- You know, seeing Arnold
get dressed up to go to a concert
brings back a lot of memories.
I met my first wife,
Lydia, at a concert.
- You did?
- Yeah, I really caught her eye
when my bow tie fell into
her orange drink (laughs).
(audience laughing)
I hope Arnold has
as much fun as I did.
- Dad, he's with Phyllis.
It can only go one way.
I mean, she is hot.
She is zooming.
She is noise.
She is digital, she's.
- That really warms my heart.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, Arnold's getting
to be quite the ladies man.
- Yeah, he is.
Although, I must confess.
The old doctor of love had
a hand or two in this one.
- Oh, were you the
matchmaker, Willis?
- Yep, it took the
Willis Jackson touch.
A little savvy, a little magic,
and a couple of free
Rainbow Lobotomy tickets.
- Now, wait a minute.
You mean you gave this
Phyllis free concert tickets
so she's go out with Arnold?
- Come on, Dad,
he needed a little help
getting his foot in the door.
- You bought your
brother a date.
Does Arnold know about this?
- No, that's the beauty of it.
He really thinks
Phyllis likes him.
- Willis, that is a
terrible thing to do.
- Oh, I know, Dad.
He's gonna leave the
concert with no eardrums.
(audience laughing)
♪ Hey baby, you're the best ♪
♪ Do me a favor
and take my test ♪
♪ Baby, baby, it's agreed ♪
♪ I'll play my music till your
eardrums bleed, wahoo ♪
(audience laughing)
- Willis, how in the world
could you do such a thing?
- Oh, it's easy, Dad.
♪ Hey baby ♪
(audience laughing)
- I mean buy your
brother a date.
- Oh, Dad, it's only
a little matchmaking.
- No, no, it is not matchmaking.
It's a bribe.
Now, how could
you be so insensitive
to your brother's feelings?
- Oh, come on, Dad, he'll
have a good time with her,
and won't even know
about the tickets.
- That'll only make
matters worse.
Don't you see,
all you're gonna do is build
up false hopes for Arnold.
What's gonna
happen the next time
he asks her out and she says no?
He will be devastated.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
I didn't think about that.
- I guess you didn't.
Willis, I know you meant well,
but Arnold must be told
the truth before he gets hurt.
- It's not gonna be easy, Dad.
He's gonna take
this really hard.
- Hey, yeah!
- Hi, Arnold.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Arnold, so be careful
how you tell him, Dad.
- Listen, Willis, you created
this mess, you do the talking.
- Dad, it was a blast!
- Dad, you know
I can't be trusted.
Look how I screwed
things up already.
- How'd it go, go good?
- Oh, Dad, it was
absolutely incredible.
We danced so hard,
I even hurt my hair.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm glad you
liked the concert.
- Are you kidding,
Rainbow Lobotomy stunk.
It stunk so bad the lead
singer went home early,
but I had a great
time with Phyllis.
- Oh, oh, really?
- Incredible, you know,
it was really nice
of her to invite me.
I bet she went
through a lot of trouble
to get those tickets.
- Ah, I can imagine.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, check out these pictures
we took in the photo booth.
Phyllis is so cute.
She said, Arnold, you
couldn't take a bad picture
even if you wanted to.
What could I say?
The girl is in love with me.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Arnold, look,
you have to be careful
not to jump into these
things too quickly.
- Oh, don't worry, Dad.
I think I know a good
thing when I see it,
and after all, she
did ask me out.
- Ah, true, Arnold,
but um, you don't waste
all your time just on one girl.
I mean, you gotta spread
your wealth around.
I've got wealth in
12 Eastern states.
(audience laughing)
- But I've already
found the right person,
and I owe it all to you, Willis.
- No, you don't.
- Hey, you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna surprise Phyllis.
I'm gonna have this
picture of me enlarged,
and give it to her
on our next date.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, start talking.
- Ah, Arnold, ah look,
sit down for just a minute.
- Sure, Dad, what is it?
- Well, I think there's
something that we should discuss
before you ask
Phyllis to go out again.
- It's too late, Dad.
She already asked me out again.
- Ah, you're kidding?
- It's like you said, Willis,
who can figure women?
Anyway, what'd you
wanna say to me, Dad?
- Ah, well, it's just that ah,
I'm delighted that
everything's working out well
with you and Phyllis.
- Thanks, Dad, so is she.
(audience laughing)
(Willis chuckles)
(audience laughing)
- Willis, are you sure
you don't mind seeing
this movie again?
I mean, it's your fourth time.
- Look Ann, I said I've
been to it four times,
but is doesn't mean
I've seen it four times,
and I don't plan
on seeing it again.
- (chuckles) Well, you're gonna
be seeing it this
time, believe me.
(Arnold scoffs)
You know, to bad
Arnold and Phyllis
didn't wanna come with us.
- I know, that would've had fun.
- I'm still surprised that
Phyllis went out with Arnold.
- Well, if you remember,
it took my charms and
talents as a matchmaker.
- Yeah, and a bribe
of free concert tickets.
Pretty sneaky, Willis,
but I guess it makes no
difference how they got together.
- Of course, no
one had to bribe you
with any free concert tickets
to take me out (clears throat).
- Oh, no?
(audience laughing)
Come on, I don't wanna miss
the beginning of the movie.
- All right, hey, I
got a better idea.
Why don't we save
money and sit on the couch
and not watch the movie?
- Willis, out.
- Ouch!
(audience laughing)
(audience sighs)
(audience applauding)
Hey Arnold, what a great movie.
You know, it really
makes a difference
when you face the screen.
(audience laughing)
- Willis, just don't talk to me.
- What's wrong, Arnold?
- Willis, you made
me look like a fool.
You gave Phyllis those
tickets to take me out.
- Whoever said that is a liar.
- Ann said it.
- Well, I, I think what
she meant was um.
- I know what she meant.
I heard her say it.
- Look Arnold, you can't
believe a word they say
when they're around me.
I mean, their
brains turn to mush.
(audience laughing)
Look, Arnold, it's
not how it sounds.
- Willis, just leave me alone.
- Arnold, all I was
trying to do was help.
Look how everything turned
out with you and Phyllis.
- Oh yeah, it worked
out good for you.
You got by with just
some free tickets.
Phyllis could've
held out for a fur coat.
(audience laughing)
Let me tell you something,
Arnold Jackson doesn't
need it, you big creep.
- Look, Arnold, all
I was trying to do
was help you out with your date.
- Oh, that's help for me?
- Yeah, she's a nice girl.
- [Arnold] Look at all
the girls I got on my own.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, what is all this commotion?
- It's a fight, Mr. D.
You know, most parents
know these things.
(audience laughing)
- I don't ever want
anything to do
with my brother ever again.
- Why, what'd I do?
(audience laughing)
- Not you, Sam.
- Oh good, but I
better get outta here
before you find something.
(audience laughing)
- Now Arnold, would
you please explain to me
what's going on here?
- All this stuff with
Phyllis was a big joke.
Willis paid her to take me out.
He's got to be the biggest
jerk I've ever met in my life.
- Ah, Arnold.
- Dad, I can't believe him.
Not only did he do that,
he was willing to let it go on.
- Ah listen, son, um, I
know what Willis did.
- You knew and you
didn't say anything either?
- I'm sorry, Arnold.
- I just can't believe this.
How could you do that?
You're as bad as Willis.
- Look, son, I saw
how happy you were,
and I just didn't wanna
burst your bubble,
and I thought that everything
would turn out okay.
- Oh no, you just
let me rant and rave
and brag about Phyllis,
and act like a fool instead.
- Arnold, you weren't
making a fool of yourself.
Phyllis really does like you.
- Oh, don't give
me that garbage.
I fell for that once before.
- She really does.
She wants to keep
going out with you, right?
- Well, how much
paying for that?
- Nothing.
- Oh, a bargain.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Arnold, I
understand how you feel.
- You don't
understand how I feel.
If you did, you
wouldn't have done this.
How can my own
family do this to me?
- Sorry, Dad.
- Arnold, something's
wrong with old number 18.
I've been sitting
here for three hours.
Not a single girl's
come over to talk to me.
One started to, but then
she put on her glasses.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, I really
don't feel like hearing
any more about this booth.
- Oh sure, what do you care?
See, you have Phyllis,
but no, I'm all alone.
It's just me and
my turtle, Fred.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, I do have to worry.
Me and Phyllis,
well, we're history.
- Really, what happened, Arnold?
- Well, you know,
our relationship,
it kind of hit some peaks,
and then it made a
left turn at boredom,
and a right turn to comatose,
and we just slid
into Death Valley.
(audience laughing)
I guess we just weren't
made for each other.
- Man Arnold, for a
girl like that I'd change.
I'd grow more arms, ears,
backs, necks, anything she wanted.
- Charlie, there are some things
that are just
impossible to change.
- Not today, Arnold.
See, they're making
miracles with plastic surgery.
You know, my family
paid a lot of money,
and now they let my little
sister sit at the dinner table.
(audience laughing)
- Never mind, Charlie.
I'm just a bachelor
now, just like you.
- No Arnold, I have a turtle.
(audience laughing)
Hey Arnold, old number
18 is working again.
A girl finally stopped here.
- Hi, Charlie, do you mind?
We have some very, very
personal things to talk about.
- Oh no, not at all, Phyllis.
Here, have a seat.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, goodbye.
- No, Arnold, you
better stick around.
Phyllis may wanna
talk to you too.
(audience laughing)
- Charlie, leave.
- Is it okay if I sit down?
- I don't care.
- Arnold, Ann told
me you found out.
Look, I'm really sorry
about this whole thing.
- You should be.
It was a terrible, lowdown,
rotten thing you did to me.
It was degrading
and humiliating.
- You don't have to
say any more, Arnold,
because I feel awful
about what I did,
but don't you understand,
I still wanna keep
going out with you.
- Why, you trying
to buy a condo?
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, what I did was wrong,
but if i hadn't done it,
I never would've met you,
and found out what a
terrific guy you were.
- You're not just saying that?
- I really mean it,
and I really mean it when I say
I wanna keep going out with you,
and it's really important
that you believe me.
- Well, okay, I believe you.
- Thanks.
(audience cheers)
- I really believe you.
(audience laughing)
But, keep convincing me.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. D.
- Yeah.
- Can I dump all
my computer stocks
and invest in fast foods?
- Sure, Sam, but why?
- 'Cause I wanna go to
a stockholders meeting
with Ronald McDonald.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, is Arnold home yet?
- [Philip] Not yet, Willis.
- Oh um, I wish
he would get back,
so I could explain to him.
Maybe he wouldn't be so hurt.
- Look, Willis, I feel
as badly as you do,
but we're just going
to have to rely on time
to heal this wound.
- Yeah, but you would've
thought in two weeks
he would've said more
than two words to me.
- Arnold, how about
a movie tonight?
Willis was just telling me
about one that's terrific.
He's already seen it five times.
- I got a date tonight.
- Oh, who's the fox, Arnold?
- Phyllis.
- Phyllis.
- How many tickets
did it cost you?
(audience laughing)
- I'm just thrilled
at your great news.
Good for you, son.
- All right, looks like
Dr. Love scores again.
See, everything
worked out great.
- Oh, it worked
out fine with Phyllis.
I still haven't forgotten
what you guys did to me.
- Come on, Arnold.
- Now, Arnold, you know that
we were not trying to hurt you.
- They really weren't, Arnold.
You've got to believe me.
I'm your friend.
- Obviously not,
you're taking their side.
- No, Arnold.
- Just but out, Sam.
- Now I'm getting yelled at,
and I had nothing to do with it.
(audience laughing)
- What can we do to
make you understand?
- Yeah, I mean, we tried
taking you out to dinner,
inviting you to a
movie, everything.
- Oh yeah, bribing.
That's right up
your alley, Willis.
(audience laughing)
- Now, Arnold, really,
I don't think that's fair.
- Dad, just forget it.
I don't even wanna hear it.
I mean, this family isn't
even worth listening to.
- Hold it right
there, young man.
We've heard just
about enough out of you.
Now, I know that
what we did hurt you,
but we thought we were
doing it for your benefit,
and you know that.
Now, you can disregard
that if you want to.
That's your business.
We said we're sorry,
but you are not about
to cop and attitude,
and make everybody else's
life around here a living hell.
Do you understand that?
- Yes, sir.
- Maybe you better
just go to your room
and think about that.
- Ah, Dad, wait a minute.
I don't want it to be this way.
- Neither do I.
- Me neither.
- Double me neither.
- Look, you guys,
I'm really sorry.
I guess I did
carry this too far,
but it just hurt so bad
coming from you guys.
I mean, you're my family.
- I know, son.
- Dad, I feel pretty
lousy about all of this.
- That's okay, you don't have
to be too hard on yourself.
- I know, I just wish
there was some way
I could make it up to you guys.
- Arnold, that is not necessary.
- Well, I think it is.
(audience laughing)
I got yelled at for no reason,
so I want a new GI Joe doll,
more time to play with my
Country and Western albums,
and I want the good
side of the room,
and when you two
guys are with girls,
I wanna listen in, okay,
and you know (mumbles).
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
("It Takes Diff'rent Strokes")