Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 8, Episode 13 - Sam's Big Brother - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪



♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes diff'rent
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

- Hey, babe, this is Arnold.

The man of your dreams.

Oh, oh, oh.

Mrs. Dobie, I'm sorry.



Is Brenda home?

Hi, Brenda, are we still on
for the Groundhog Day dance?

Great, I'll pick
you up at seven.

Goodbye, sweet cakes.

All right!

She's hot for my bod, yeah!

- Hot for your what?

- Oh, Dad, I...

- Don't worry, Arnold.

I was young once.

I was, really.

- Oh, I know, Dad.

I have no trouble picturing
you asking your father

for the keys to the
horse and buggy.

- Thank you.

- Well, I gotta get to
my photo club meeting.

We're gonna shoot
pictures of still life.

I'm gonna use Dudley's brain.

- Oh, Arnold, I wanna remind you

to keep two weeks from
Saturday night open.

- Well, Dad, the way things
are going with Brenda and I,

by then we could be
married with two kids

and a station wagon.

- Well, if you and the
missus can find a babysitter,

Halley's Comet will be here
two weeks from Saturday night.

- In our apartment?

- Arnold, it'll be at its
closest point to the Earth ever

at that time.

Now we have to get away
from the lights of the city

in order to get a good view,

so I made a plan for
us to go to New Jersey

and see it from a field.

- Stand out in a field
in the middle of winter

to see a white speck in the sky?

- Right!

- On a date night?

- Arnold, Halley's
Comet is a once,

if you're lucky, twice
in a lifetime event.

- You're not gonna
give up on this, are you?

- No way, this is history.

- So is a Springsteen concert

and you wouldn't take me
to New Jersey to see that.

Okay, okay, Dad, I'll be there.

- Hey, that was weird.

- Oh, Sam?

I was just telling Arnold
about Halley's Comet.

- Is that still coming?

- Of course.

- All right!

- Spoken like a
future nerd of America.

Sam, you have no
chance of being cool.

- Well, it's sometimes better
to have fun than to be cool.

- Arnold, the whole world is
waiting for Halley's Comet.

- That's gonna be some
crowded field in New Jersey.

- Uh oh.

- What's the matter, Richie?

- I broke my donut.

- Not again.

He's really nice, but he's
always breaking his food.

You should see what
he does to oatmeal.

- It's all right, Richie.

You can eat it
one piece at a time.

- I can't.

I like eating O's, not U's.

- Why don't you just
run out in the kitchen

and get yourself another one?

- Hey, Arnold, can
you take Richie and me

to play miniature
golf this afternoon?

- No, I can't.

- Come on, Arnold, we'll
let you cheat like always.

- I don't cheat.

- Well, I never saw
Arnold Palmer kick a ball

through a windmill.

- Look, Sam, miniature golf
is dumb, stupid, and childish.

Besides, I have to get
to my photography...

- Boy, Arnold Jackson!

Last week you didn't
take me to the movies,

and the other day you wouldn't
take me to the Trump Tower

to tease the doormen.

You hardly take me
anywhere these days.

- Sam, you're turning
into a real pest again.

- Pest? I'll show you pest.

- Hold it right there.

Sam, look, I don't have
as much time for you

since I got into high school.

And if I did have the time,

I'd spend it with Brenda,
my main squeeze, Dobie.

- Arnold, why would you
wanna spend time with a girl

when you've got me?

- Dad!

- Sam, look, Arnold
really is very busy.

Hi, Willis.

- Man, some vacation.

Janice Flowers.

You know, I got ten
days home from college.

I block out two-thirds of
my entire afternoon for her,

and she stands me
up for a rookie forward

on the New York Knicks.

Can you believe this?

- Sure.
- Why not?

- Thanks a lot.

- Hey, Willis,

can you take Richie and me
to play miniature golf today?

- Why not? I'm free.

My girlfriend likes
dates who dribble.

- All right!

- Willis, don't forget.

Halley's Comet.

- Uh, right, Dad.

I'll catch that
next time around.

- Hey, but that won't
be for almost 80 years.

- I'll have something
to look forward to.

- Willis.

- Okay, Dad, I'll be there.

- Look, everyone!

I fixed the donut!

- Yeah, well, I'd love to go
to a movie with you, Dudley,

but I promised Sam I'd take him

to get some roasted chestnuts.

And he loves that because I
know the best vendor in town.

- Boy, these roasted
chestnuts are great, Willis.

That guy you showed
me down on 48th Street's

even better than the guy
that Arnold takes me to.

- Dudley, I think I'd like
to go to a movie with you.

- Boy, thanks for teaching
me speed skating, Willis.

- Glad to do it, little bro.

- Maybe next time you
could teach me how to stop.

- Hi, Arnold, whatcha doin'?

- Getting a snack.

If that's okay with
you and Willis.

- Well, don't eat the
double fudge cookies.

Me and Willis already
have dibs on 'em.

- Hey, Sam, what do you say
you and me hit the movies, huh?

My Spanish meeting
was postponed.

Last week we learned to say

"Con su permiso,
senor, eso su albondiga?"

- What does that mean?

- "Excuse me, sir, is
that your meatball?"

So what do you say,
huh, we hit the movies?

- No thanks, Arnold.

- Oh, come on, Sam!

I'm talking a double feature!

Four whole hours to
throw Jujubes at girls.

- Sorry, Arnold.

Willis and I already have plans.

- What kind of plans?

- We're playing miniature golf.

- You are?

You've played miniature
golf every day this week.

- Yeah.

Willis and I really love it.

He's a really neat
brother, Arnold.

- Well, listen,

how are you playing
miniature golf?

I mean it's been
pouring rain outside.

- No problem.

We're playing indoors.

- Miniature golf?

Indoors?

- Hi, Arnold.

Isn't this great?

Willis and I built it ourselves.

- Look at this mess.

Dad's gonna have a
fit when he comes in!

- No, he won't.

Dad is so wrapped
up in Halley's Comet,

he wouldn't notice Pearl
if she walked in here

dressed like Rambo!

- Willis, I can't believe
you didn't have anything

better to do than
play miniature golf.

- Arnold, it's a great game!

Man, this is a game of skills.

A game of nerves.

Besides, Sam
was great girls bait.

They see him and
say, "Oh, he's so cute!"

Then they realize I'm fantastic.

You know, Sam is
better than a puppy.

- Yeah, then they
start squealing,

"Ooh, Willis!"

"Ooh, wee!"

Yuck.

- Hi, guys.

Hey, look.

Da-dum!

Arnold, aren't you a little
bit curious about this?

- Is that about Halley's Comet?

- Yes!

- No.

- Willis, I picked this
up at the planetarium.

Sam, look.

This charts the
comet hour by hour

through the Western Hemisphere.

- Boy, that's gonna look
great on my wall, Mr. D.

- I want it for my wall.

- As long as it's
not on my wall.

- Well, you can have it, Mr. D.

But it would have looked
great next to Papa Smurf.

- Boys,

did you know that 75 years ago,

people thought the comet
would destroy everything?

- Wow!

Halley's Comet sounds
worse than Refrigerator Perry.

- At this exact
moment, the comet is...

No, well, it's a little up...

Uh, I think it's north of...

Maybe I better call the

Halley's Comet hotline.

- He didn't even notice.
- I know.

- And listen.

I want the living room
straightened out before dinner.

- Rats!

- Come on, Arnold.

Let's make it a threesome.

- I guess I could
play a couple of holes.

- Why, Arnold?

You said miniature golf was
dumb, stupid, and childish.

- Well, it is.

Besides, I got homework.

- Okay, come on, Sam.

Let's choose to
see who goes first.

- All right.

You, me.

You, me.

You...

- All right, I go first!

Let's tee off!

- Guys, student at work.

- Sorry, Arnold.

The crowd quiets

as Willis "No Slice"
Jackson approaches the tee.

He stands masterly
over the ball.

He swings.

All right!

It's through the clown's mouth,

into the hole, it's a...

(bell rings) Hole
in one, he did it!

Yes, he does it, yes!

- Look, guys.

I can't concentrate
with you guys

playing the British
Open for Idiots.

- Sorry, Arnold.

Second hole's much quieter.

Come on, Sam.
- All right.

Hey, Willis,

remember when we were watching

The Honeymooners
on TV last night,

and Norton said,

"Hello, ball!"

- Guys!

- It's Sam "Girls Are
Yucky" McKinney at the tee.

The redheaded
menace of the fairway

lines up the putt

and hits it.

(alarm whistles)

(horn honks)

- Hole in one!

(audience applauds)

- It's Willis...

- Just hit it!

(alarm whistles)

(horn honks)

- Yeah, hole in one!

(audience applauds)

- Again!

- All right, you guys.

Knock it off, all right?

I can't study.

- Then go upstairs.

- I don't wanna go upstairs!

I want you two to knock it off!

- Arnold, this is
our living room, too.

- Yes, Arnold Jackson.

You're just being creepy
because you've got homework to do

and we're having fun!

- Some fun!

- It is fun.

What is your problem?

- I don't have a problem!

I just don't need some
redheaded twerp saying,

"Hello, ball!"

when I'm trying to study.

- Oh, man, lighten
up on the little peanut.

- Oh! Oh!

So now you're gonna fight
his battles for him now, too.

- You know, you
have been a real terror

ever since I got
back from college.

- And you've been a supreme pain

ever since you crawled
outta your test tube!

- Just back off, all right?

All Sam and I are trying
to do is have some fun.

- Well if you like him so much,

why don't you ask him
to sleep in your room?

- Okay, Sam.

What else do you want on
your peanut butter sandwich

besides jelly, peanut butter,
raisins, bananas and sprouts?

- I don't care.

- Oh, relish!

I just love relish.

- Oh! I broke the sandwich!

- It doesn't matter,
Richie, I'm not hungry.

- What's wrong, Sam?

I know you're still mad at me

because I flushed your
G.I. Joe down the toilet.

But I'm sure he'll be all right.

He had his scuba gear on.

- It's not that, Richie.

Arnold and Willis
hate each other.

They haven't talked to
each other for a week.

And it's all because of me.

- That's too bad but

they sure don't make
bread like they used to.

- I've got get Arnold and
Willis back together again!

- Well, when my
brother and I fight,

my father makes us
do a project together.

He says busy hands
make for quiet kids.

Maybe we can have
'em fix the sandwich!

- Richie...

- Okay, sometimes
if we won't make up,

my father pressures us.

- And that gets
you back together?

- Sure, we get so mad at
him, we always make up!

- That's it!

That's what I'll do!

- Make 'em mad at my father?

- No, make them mad at me.

Richie, by the
time I get finished,

they're gonna hate me so much

that they'll forget that
they hate each other!

- Hey, Arnold!

Any chance you'll be
done with the sports section

before the basketball
season ends?

- Oh, no, Willis, you
wouldn't like it today.

There's hardly any pictures.

- Then there's
nothing for you to color.

Come on, Arnold,
share the paper.

- All right, I'll share it.

You'll love your half.

Knicks "oof" in overtime.

- I don't know why
Mom and Dad had you

when they could have had a pet.

- For that, you get no paper!

- Arnold, gimme the paper!
- No, I ain't giving you...

- Gimme the damn paper!

- Hold it, hold it, hold it!

You two aren't
fighting again, are you?

- No, Dad, we
don't fight no more.

- Right.

Now we'll be leaving
in about half and hour.

Remember to take
your heavy coats.

It's gonna be cold
on that field tonight.

But it'll be worth it to
see Halley's Comet!

- Dad.

We're gonna freeze!

- Come on, you guys.

It's gonna be a wonderful
and incredible experience.

- Sure, if you find a field
with heat and room service.

- Will you stop worrying?

We'll be warmly dressed.

And have lots of
blankets, hot soup,

all the comforts of home.

- Yeah, if your home's an igloo!

- That's the spirit,
Davy Crockett.

And that fight you
weren't having?

See that it doesn't start again.

- See that, you big fool!

You almost got us in trouble!

- Me?

You're the one who
tore the paper in half!

Look, Arnold, I'm warning you.

Come near me and you'll be
leaving on a Halley's Comet.

- Big talk from a
dumb college jock!

- I'm really getting tired...

- Is that all you
guys do is fight?

Huh?

- What business is
this of yours, squirt?

- I make it my
business, flounder face.

- Flounder face!

Good one, San, yes! (laughs)

- How should you know?

You're so dumb.

I can't believe
you're in college.

(laughs)

- What?

- You heard me.

You barely belong
in a barber college.

Dumbo.

(giggles)

- Can you believe this garbage?

Sam, I don't know
what's bugging you but

don't mouth off to me like that.

- I'll mouth off to you.

And you, too!

You big bonehead!

- Can you believe this kid?

- What a brat!
- A major brat!

- Well I may be a brat,

but you two are
the Doofus Brothers.

- Hey, look, stuff it!

I had just about enough
of that garbage out of Willis.

But he's my brother!

You are just a
whiny little outsider.

- Hey, Arnold,
take it easy, man.

This is a family fight.

Watch the low blows.

- Low blow...

Look who's Mr. Sensitive
all of a sudden!

You turn low blows
into an art form!

- You know, Arnold,

you are a little weasel.

And I'm tired of you...

You ruined my vacation!

Look, I'm warning you,
Arnold, stay away from me.

- Gimme that paper.

Or else.

- Or else!

Look, I'ma give you this paper

'cause I don't want
Dad on my case.

- Nice playing, Sam.

I gotta get home.

- Let's go, boys!

- Right, Dad.

You know, I've been thinking.

It's gonna be so
crowded in that car, Dad.

With the binoculars,
the sleeping bags.

We're gonna be miserable!

So I'm volunteering
to stay home.

- Now, Willis.

Halley's Comet is a
very important event

and I want us all
to share it together.

- Right, just like we
went on that fishing trip

and got seasick together.

- Right, but at least
we were seasick

as a family!

Come on, move it, Sam.

Get your coat.

- I'm not going, Mr. D.

- What?

- I mean it, Mr. D.

I don't want to be part
of this family anymore.

- Sam.

What's the matter?

- My coming to live
here was a big mistake.

- What in the world
are you talking about?

- Arnold and Willis
used to be real close.

Now because of me

they hate each other.

- Sam, we don't hate each other.

Do we, Arnold?

- No more than usual.

- Really?

- Really.
- That's right!

- I don't believe you guys.

Let me see you hug each other.

- Sam...
- Get off it.

- If you don't, I'm leaving.

I mean a real hug.

- Happy, Sam?

- I'll say!

I didn't know where I
was gonna move to.

- I would really like to know

how all of this got started.

- Well, Dad, me and
Sam were having

a great game of miniature golf,

and Arnold got all
bent out of shape!

- Well, how would you feel

if you're trying to
do your homework

and people are saying
"Let's choose sides!"

"Me, you!"

"You, me!"

And ringing bells in your face.

- Arnold, that's the past.

You've been ragging
on Sam all week.

- Yeah, Arnold.

You were really
busting my chops.

And I wasn't doing anything
worse than I usually do.

- Hey, I had enough outta you.

Case closed.

- Case still open.

I'd really like to know what
you did that made Sam feel

he didn't want to be part
of this family anymore.

- Oh, great!

Take their side!

- Can I talk to
Arnold alone, Mr. D.?

- Sure, Sam.

- Arnold, we've got to talk.

- Yeah...

About what?

- Why do you hate
me all of a sudden?

Arnold, why?

What did I do?

- Sam,

it's not you.

It's me.

- It usually is.

- Look.

I guess

I got a little bent outta shape

when you started
hanging out with Willis.

- Why, Arnold?

I thought you'd like it.

You always say I'm a pest.

- Well, you are a pest.

I guess when I was your age,

I was a pest to Willis.

- Thanks.

And you were a pest.

Willis told me.

- Look.

For years, I was the kid
and Willis was the big brother.

It was nice having
someone to look up to.

Someone to teach you things.

That's what a big brother's for.

They teach you how to weasel
things out of your parents.

How to not eat your
vegetables and still get dessert.

Great stuff.

But then

Willis stopped having
as much time for me

when he got to high school.

But you know, something
good happened to me.

- Really? What was that?

- You came into the family.

- Really?

But I thought
you didn't like that.

- Well, at first I didn't.

But you know, I
learned to like it,

and I realized that I
was the big brother.

It was kinda nice!

- Really?

- Yeah.

I liked the way
you looked up to me

and it shows good
taste on your part.

But you know, I really enjoyed
passing things on to you.

Like tossing a ball,

swinging a bat,

and how to look sick so
you can get out of gym class.

- You never taught
me to get out of gym.

- I will, I will,
gimme a chance!

- Sorry.

- Hey, it's okay.

But you know,
doing all those things,

they made me feel
good about myself.

And, you know,
you looked up to me.

I guess when I saw you
hanging out with Willis,

I got jealous.

- I'm sure glad we
had this fight, Arnold,

or I'd have never
found this out.

- You know,

I don't think I would have
found out about it, either.

- So you really like having
me for a brother, huh?

- Weird, isn't it?

Hey, don't go
spreading it around!

- I won't.

Does this mean we've made up?

- Sure it does.

- Good.

I hate it when you're mad at me.

- [Audience] Aw!

- Things are all right, Mr. D.

- Arnold, are you all right?

- Everything's fine, Dad.

Say, Willis.

I just wanna say to you

that you are the best big
brother a guy could ever have.

- Okay, Arnold, what's the joke?

Am I the best big
brother without a brain

or the best big brother
who drools in his sleep?

- No, Willis, I mean it.

You are the best.

- Wow.

I don't know what to say.

- Try "thank you".

- Thanks, Arnold.

- Any time, bro.

- Boy, it's great
being brothers.

- We're off to New Jersey

and Halley's Comet!

- It's tough being a son.

(audience applauds)

(owl hoots)

- [Arnold] Dad, I'm freezing!

- [Sam] Me, too!

- [Willis] I don't
see any comet.

- [Philip] Well,
according to the chart,

we should look 28
degrees south-southwest.

It should be right over there.

I think I see it, over there!

- [Willis] Yeah!

- [Arnold] Hey, it's huge!

- [Sam] And it has
"Goodyear" written on it!

- [Philip] Let's go home, boys.

We'll try again in 75 years.

- [Sam] Wait, I see it!

Look, Arnold.

To the left of the blimp!

- [Arnold] What?

Oh!

Holy smokes, wow!

Look at that tail!

Look, Willis!

- [Willis] Man,
that's dude's radical!

Dad, Dad, look, look!

- [Arnold] It's beautiful!

- [Philip] It's amazing.

Can we go home
now, I'm freezing!

(boys cheer)

- [Arnold] Fantastic, fantastic.

Thanks, Dad.

- [Willis] Cool, dude.

(owl hoots)

(audience applauds)

(closing theme music)