Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 8, Episode 10 - It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To - full transcript

♪ Now, the world don't move ♪

♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes, it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes, it takes ♪



♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does, it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world ♪

(creepy organ music)
(women screaming)

- Let's go, Arnold.

We have to pick
up Sam at the party.



- Not yet, Dad, not yet.

I'm watching a great
movie, a classic.

I've been missing it for years.

- A classic?

Is it Casablanca
or Citizen Kane?

- The Hotel That Dripped Blood.

- I can't believe I
missed that one.

Arnold, this movie is horrible.

- Right, it's classic garbage!

That's why it's hosted
by Captain Jack.

He's the greatest!

- Now, let's take a break
and see if we can find a winner

on the Why I Watch
Captain Jack Sweepstakes.

(grunting)

(man screaming)

- Isn't he great, Dad?

- Yeah, great.

I may stay home from
work so I can watch him.

(laughs)

- "Dear Captain Jack..."

That's me.

"I watch your show all the time

"because Channel 12
is the only one that works

"on my TV."

Phil Kremsky, Cleveland, Ohio.

Well, Phil...

Honesty may be the best policy,

but it won't win the
Captain Jack Sweepstakes!

Tough luck! (laughs)

- That's enough, let's go.

- Wait, Dad!

Can I finish watching The
Hotel That Dripped Blood

in the limo?

- As long as it doesn't
drip on the seats.

(crowd chatter)

- Okay, men.

Our next mission is to
rescue the ice cream man

and release the
hot fudge sundaes.

(cheering)

We've gone over the plans.

Now it's your job
to carry them out.

Timmy Frankel.

- Yes, sir!

- Assemble your squad.

- Burton! Henderson!

McKinney! Maxwell!

Follow me!

- Dad.

Can I wait in the car?

- No, Arnold, come
on, get in here.

- I don't wanna be seen
at some dumb kids' party...

Wow!

A Rambo party!

This is really neat!

I mean, neat for a kid.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Timmy's mom.

- I'm Sam's father.

How do you do?

The party's not quite over.

It's a mad house, Mr. Drummond.

A mad house, honestly.

Why don't you take a hat

and help yourself to
some cake and ice cream?

Billy!

Get off that table!

If he falls, I'm dead.

Both his parents are lawyers.

- I'm not gonna put
this thing on my head.

This is ridiculous.

- Come on, go with the flow.

- Aw, Dad, this is silly!

- Hey, kid.

Put the hat on

now.

- Yes, sir, Rambo, sir!

Right away, sir!

- This is very impressive.

I've never seen
anything like this before.

- Oh.

Well, it's a theme party.

All the kids have them.

Last year we had a
barbecue adventure.

Indiana Jones and the
Temple of Hot Dogs.

- Now let me get this straight.

This is a birthday for
a nine-year-old boy.

You bought out an
army surplus store

and you hired a Rocky lookalike.

Rambo, Mr. Drummond.

I paid for Rambo.

- Oh, Rambo, sorry.

Well, it's amazing.

In my day, a party was a
few friends, a piece of cake,

a quick game of pin
the tail on the donkey.

(chuckles)

I guess that makes
me seem pretty old.

- Yes.

No!

(chuckles nervously)

(sighs)

These days, if you want
your kid to have a special day,

you gotta keep up
with the Joneses

and the Burtons
and the Maxwells!

You know, it's
a lot of pressure!

They don't tell you about
that part of motherhood!

(clears throat)

I tell you, I've
had my last child.

- Well...

Good.

I think you've done
a wonderful job here.

- Oh, I hope so.

It cost more than my wedding.

Would you excuse me?
- Certainly.

- Look, Mr. D.!

A chocolate hand grenade.

- Isn't that amazing?

Whatever happened to
little chocolate bunnies?

- We already bit their ears off.

- Hey, Sam, great party.

It's even better than Tommy
Burton's Star Trek party.

- Yeah, that was crummy.

The Vulcans didn't
even have green blood!

- Okay, everybody!

It's time for Timmy
to open his gifts!

(chuckles)

Oh, I hope he
didn't get a drum set.

- Sam,

I'm afraid you'll have to
say your goodbyes now.

We have to pick up your mother.

- Yeah, hurry up.

- I hope you can
come to my party.

It's gonna be two
weeks from Saturday.

- Man, that's the
same day as my party.

- That's too bad because
my dad's making me

the best party of the year.

- Oh, yeah?

Well it's not gonna
be better than mine.

- Says who?

- Says me!

- Oh, yeah?

- Now, now...
- Yeah!

- Quiet, boys!

Timmy's just starting
to open his gifts.

- I hope this is a...

- Great party, Mrs. Frankel.

- Here's a good
idea for a party.

Henry Ribbons and his dog Bruce.

An accomplished ventriloquist,

Henry uses Bruce as his dummy

to tell stories about
the animal kingdom.

How about that?

- I don't know, Dad.

That doesn't really
scream excitement.

- And Johnny Baker
had them last year.

Bruce bit Mrs. Baker
right on her nose job.

- Maybe that's why
he works so cheaply.

Is it really so necessary

to make a big production
out of this, Sam?

Couldn't a birthday
party just be fun?

- You saw the Rambo
party, didn't you, Mr. D.?

- Honey, we're not gonna
have a party that glorifies war.

I have a great idea!

A hayride!

Oh, I remember when I was young.

The hayfield wagons.

The picnic baskets.

The horses moving
slowly along the trail.

- Mama, I wanna have fun.

I don't wanna sit in
some smelly wagon

someplace in New Jersey.

- Look.

We need someone
with flash and pizzazz.

Someone like Hulk
Hogan or Lou Albano.

- Lou who?

- Albano!

He's a wrestler.

And he has rubber
bands through his face.

(doorbell chimes)

I'll get it.

- Hey, Sam.
- Hey, Sam!

- Hey, guys, what's up?

- We got the invitation
to your party, Sam,

but we don't know what to wear.

- Yeah.

You didn't say what kind
of a party it was gonna be.

- Uh...

Well, it's a secret.

- That's neat,

only Freddie's party
on the same day,

and it's a Godzilla
versus the Smurfs party.

- Well you guys are gonna
come to my party, aren't you?

- I don't know, Sam.

Watching this humongous lizard

trample these
cute little blue guys

sure sounds like a blast to me.

- Just tell us your secret.

We won't tell anyone else.

- But if I tell you guys, it
won't be a secret anymore.

- Gee, Sam, you
sure have a problem.

- Hey, guys, I'm
glad you're all here.

Wanna come over and
watch a Captain Jack movie

on my dad's big screen TV?

- Great!

Those movies are even
worse on a big screen.

- Yeah, come on!

- I can't!

I've got some homework to do.

- We don't have any
homework this weekend.

- Um...

Arnold's homework!

Yeah.

He asked me to help
him with his math.

- What's the matter, Sam?

Mad at me 'cause no one's
coming to your birthday party?

- There'll be plenty of
people at my birthday party.

- Sure there will.

Just don't order too much food.

One cupcake will be enough.

Let's go, guys.

- There goes my party.

No one can top Godzilla
versus the Smurfs.

- Sam, honey.

Sam, listen.

If you're friends aren't
coming to the party

simply because you're
not having Godzilla,

well, honey, they're
really not your friends.

- It doesn't matter, Mama.

Freddie's right.

I guess you should
order one cupcake.

(audience groans)

(car horns honking)

- Don't worry, Arnold.

Whatever I have to do,

Sam is gonna have a
special birthday party.

- Well, I called my hairdresser.

The one whose gardener's

the third cousin of
Hulk Hogan's dentist.

- [Philip] And, and?

- Well, the Hulk is unavailable.

But, the dentist offered to come

and give everyone
a free flossing.

- Well, I'll take him up on that

if he'll look at
my loose filling.

Hello, Tom, yeah.

I'm ready.

Okay, who's available?

- You know,

I feel for the kid.

You keep your room clean,

you comb your hair,
you brush your teeth,

you return your
library books on time,

and for what?

Just so Godzilla can come along

and sit on your
Happy Birthday cake.

- Aw, it's nice that
you're concerned, Arnold.

- Of course I'm concerned!

If Sam loses all his friends,

he'll spend the rest of
his life hanging around me!

- Okay, Tom, I got it.

Thank you.

Arnold, tell me something.

How do you think Sam would feel

about having Al Martino
at his birthday party?

- Who?

- Yeah, I was afraid of that.

- Philip, we have
got to do something.

I mean, I feel awful for Sam.

Birthdays are supposed
to be so special.

- Dad,

don't you own
Megafax Electronics?

- Well I have a controlling
interest in Exner Industries.

Which is the parent
company of Wajinski, Ltd.

Which is the holding
company for...

- Dad.

- Yeah, I own it.

- Well maybe Sam
doesn't have to settle

for a free flossing after all!

Look.

- Where's Sam?

His surprise will
be here any minute.

Sam McKinney!

Front and center!

- Arnold?

Arnold, honey, don't
play with your food.

- I'm not really
playing, Maggie.

You ever wonder
how they get the raisin

inside this shredded wheat?

See, look.

There's a raisin inside
each one of these little things.

- Let me see that.

- It's amazing.

- Dad...

Hey!

- I'm not feeling
too good, Mama.

I don't think I should
go to school today.

- Sam.

Could you stand a big surprise?

- It doesn't matter, Mr. D.

My childhood is over.

Tomorrow I'm gonna
become an accountant.

(doorbell chimes)

- I'll get it.

- Sam, Dad got you the spokesman

from that electronic
company that he owns.

- Great.

Freddie's got Godzilla

and I've got a guy who
knows how to fix toasters.

- Ahoy, matey!

You must be the birthday boy!

- Wow!

You look just like Captain Jack!

- Well, swash my buckle
and buckle my swash.

I am Captain Jack!

- Wow!

- Captain Jack would
like to come to your party!

- Is he really Captain Jack?

- He sure is.

- I sure are!

- Well, swash my buckle
and buckle my swash!

Wow!

This is great!

Fantastic!

The neatest!

- Hey, hey, we
get the point, Sam.

- Thanks, Mr. D.

Thanks, Captain Jack.

I gotta go spread
the word at school.

- Three...

Four...

Five...

- After I change my shirt.

(pop music)

- I'm telling you, Captain
Jack is gonna be there!

- You mean someone
who looks like Captain Jack.

- No, the real thing.

I heard it from Bruce,
who heard it from Tony,

who heard it from the lady
who works in the cafeteria.

- Hot food or cold food?

- Hot food.

- Beatrice.

She usually knows her stuff.

- Arnold, can I have five bucks?

- Now, Sam, what do
you need with five dollars?

- I really only need 50 cents,

but I figured I'd
have a better shot

after you turn
down the big bucks.

- I can't refuse him.

I mean, he learned
from the master.

- Hey, Sam!

How's my favorite
friend in the whole world?

- He's my favorite friend!

- Knock it off, guys.

I know you just wanna
come to my party

now that you know Captain
Jack is gonna be there.

- Captain Jack?

Really? I didn't know that.

Did you, Richie?
- Not me!

- Relax, guys.

You could come to my party.

- All right!

- Hey.

Watch this.

Hi.

I'm Arnold Jackson.

I bet you're wondering
what I'm doing

hanging around a
bunch of dopey little kids.

Well, see that
redhead over there?

That's my little brother,
er, stepbrother, Sam.

Cute, ain't he?

(clears throat) Uh...

His birthday is Saturday.

Yeah, I guess you
don't wanna go to a party

hosted by Captain Jack.

- Sit down, sweet cakes!

- I'm going to have
the party of the year.

So, guys.

Trying to decide what to
get me for my birthday?

- Uh, sort of.

Only I don't think I can
come to your birthday party.

- And...

I can't come either, Freddie.

I, uh...

Have to do something
for my mother that day.

- What could be more important
than coming to my party?

- How about coming to my party?

- That's a laugh.

- Oh yeah?

Well Captain Jack's
gonna be at my party.

- Captain Jack?

- In person.

He was at my house this morning.

So laugh at that
while you're having fun

with your squashed Smurfs.

- You're lying. (boys laugh)

- It's true.

Ask Beatrice, the hot food lady!

(boys yelling)

- It doesn't matter, my
party's still going to be better!

And I don't need any of you!

(crosstalk)

(crowd chatter)

- Polish those boots, Sailor!

Well don't just sit there!

Hoist the main sail!

- Aye aye, Captain!

- Ahoy, mateys!

- Sam, how come you didn't
invite any girls to your party?

- I wish I had, Mr. D.

I coulda made
'em walk the plank.

Swab those decks, mate,

or you'll face the lash!

- Yes, sir, right away, sir!

(laughs)

- Oh, Philip, it's wonderful.

The kids are happy

and we get the floors
cleaned at the same time.

- Great party, Mr. D.!

Look at all those presents.

You think Captain Jack will
help me open one of them?

- Hey, it's your party, Sam.

Anything you like.

- Oh, boy!

- Oh, Philip.

Sam is delirious.

You did a wonderful job.

- Oh, thank you.

But it still bothers me
that we have to do all this

to make a nine-year-old happy.

What are we gonna
do when he's 16?

- That's easy.

We send him on
the space shuttle.

- Yo, mateys!

Ahoy, birthday boy!

- [Kids] Captain Jack!

(grunting)

- Well, swash my buckle...

- [Kids] And buckle my swash!

(kids cheer)

- All right, enough, get down!

Get off me.

Calm down, you
little scuzzy wharf rats.

- Hey, are you
really Captain Jack?

- That I am!

- You look much fatter on TV.

- Have your set fixed.

Listen up, lads!

I'm Captain Jack and
I'm strong and I'm brave,

and you better get outta my way.

If you step outta
line, you better believe

there'll be a big price to pay.

I need a crew that's
fearless and bold

and knows how
to handle a rudder.

'Cause when the
going gets rough,

my men will get tough,

and not go home to their mudder.

Then we'll split up the loot.

All for one, one for all!

'Cause my men are the
best and the brightest.

And I'm Captain Jack and
I'm strong and I'm brave

but I do have a
touch of bursitis.

Now,

who settles with me, lads?

- [Kids] Me! Me!

- Pipe down, calm
down, I don't know.

Looks like a pretty
green crew to me.

But...

I guess I can
whip ya into shape.

Come on, lads,
over here, quick now!

Hands!

Hook!

Redbeard!

Hatch!

Now remember, lads:

you're on my ship now

and what I say

is law.

Got it?

- [Kids] Aye aye, Captain!

- I've got a great idea!

You could help me open
some of my presents.

Later, young Sam.

First,

we have a treasure hunt!

(kids cheer)

All right, come here.

Now look.

This map

was given to me
by a crafty old pirate.

Long John, uh...

Drummond.

He was one of the best

and his treasure's
never been found, lads.

But then again, Captain Jack
has never looked for it before.

Let's go, lads!

(kids cheer)

- So,

what do you say we go look
for treasure out on the balcony?

- But we don't even
have a treasure map.

- You already got the treasure.

Me!

- Don't you think we should
open some of my presents first?

- This way, lads!

Come on, move, now!

(kids cheer)

This is a tough one, lads.

It took them less
time to find the Titanic.

- Maybe it's hidden
in one of my presents.

- Ah!

This way's north!

I should have
listened to my parents

and finished junior high school.

Come, lads!

We'll have to retrace our steps!

Come on, boys.

Quickly now.

- Oh, wow!

Hey, Richie!

Wanna play?

- Later, Sam.

- How about you, Timmy?

It looks neat.

- Can't, Sam.

Captain's orders.

- Come, lads!

To the galley!

We're closer, come
on, come on, hoof!

Bring up the rear.

Come on, boy!

Come on, lads!

I can smell it, we're
getting closer by the second!

- Hey, Sam.

- Hey, what are you
doing here, Freddie?

- My party was a bust!

No one showed.

The Smurfs got
bored and went home

and Godzilla made
a pass at my mother.

- Gee, that's too bad.

I'm sorry I ruined
your birthday.

But maybe we could
have our own little party.

Just the two of us.

Would you like a hot dog?
- Sure!

- Come on!

And later we can open
presents together and everything.

- Sounds great.

- Come on, move,
you junior land lubbers.

I can smell it, that
treasure's here.

Come on, boys, quickly!

- Is that really Captain Jack?

- Yes, but I thought you...
- Wow!

- I found it!

I found the treasure!

- Well, fine job, mate!

Come on, let's
split up the booty.

Don't be pigs, boys.

There's plenty
here for everybody.

(chattering)

- Hey, Arnold?

Arnold, I'll be at
the ice cream shop.

- Yeah, sure, Sam.

- Thanks, Betty.

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sam ♪

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

- Sam!

So this is where you were.

You know that was
very rude of you

to walk out on all your guests.

- Sam, honey, why did
you leave your party?

- I guess I wasn't
having a very good time.

- But, honey, all of your friends
were there because of you.

- No, they weren't.

They were there
because of Captain Jack.

I wanted to have
the best party ever.

I guess I did.

It was so good they
didn't even need me.

It's all my fault.

- No, it isn't.

Parties should be
celebration, not a competition.

I guess we all got a
little bit carried away.

- You were right, Mama.

I guess what I should have
had was cake and ice cream

and all my friends around.

- You mean just
a plain old party.

- Yeah.

Maybe next year, I
could have one of those.

- Oh, why wait till
next year, Sam?

- Surprise!

Happy birthday, Sam!

Have a look at that!

- How about that?

- Make a wish, Sam.

- I don't have to, Arnold.

I already got what I wanted.

- Good lad! (kids cheer)

(audience applauds)

(closing theme music)