Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Honorable Arnold J. Jackson - full transcript
Arnold faces a tough decision when he is appointed judge of his classroom court and he must choose between his friend Robbie and his girlfriend Jennifer.
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes ♪
♪ Different strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
- And isn't also true
that you took that
piece of lemon pie
that I had personally hidden
in the back of the refrigerator
and ate it?
- It wasn't me, Arnold, honest.
It must've been someone
else, like a pie burglar!
- And isn't also true
that you went to bed
without dessert that night?
- Would you believe I've
been watching my figure?
- What I do believe is
in the dark of the night
you snuck out of your bunk
and slipped into the kitchen
and gobbled up my piece of pie.
And I have the
evidence to prove it.
Exhibit A.
Crumbs on your pillow.
- Okay, I did it, I did it!
I'm sorry, Arnold.
(clapping)
- You're a really
fine lawyer, Arnold.
- And I really believed
you ate that pie, Sam.
That's one fine acting job.
- I wasn't acting.
- Sam, that was the last piece.
I'm gonna see you
tonight for sentencing.
You could get five to ten.
- I'd better go call my lawyer.
- Well, guess I
took care of him.
And I'll do the same
when I defend Dudley
in student court today.
- You'll be terrific, Arnold.
- I better be.
Because Jennifer
Smith is covering the trial
for the school newspaper.
And I'm talking Jennifer
Smith with the legs
that reduce men to
boys and boys to babies.
- You sound serious
about Jennifer.
- Uh, let me put it this way.
I think the both of you
better start thinking about
where you're gonna send
us on our honeymoon.
I think it's a tossup between
Paris and Disneyworld.
- Arnold, I think you
ought to take this
student court more
seriously than that.
It's an opportunity
to learn about the law
and I'm sure the
kids feel that it's fair
when they judge each other.
It's a smart idea.
- And courts can
be fun, too, Arnold.
Like my cousin,
Longhorn Apple's trial.
- Longhorn Apple?
What was he on
trial for, his name?
- No, no, for making
moonshine whiskey
you could kickstart
a lawnmower with.
- Oh, I remember
Longhorn at our wedding.
He wore tennis shoes
and drank champagne
out of a mason jar.
- Did Longhorn get off?
- Sure, he did.
The judge was cousin
Shorthorn Apple.
- I won't need any relatives.
The only weapon I need
is my golden tongue.
And a dopey judge
couldn't hurt either.
- Continue, Arnold.
- Your Honor, my client,
Dudley A. Johnson,
a pillar of our
student community,
is not the kind of guy
to throw rotten eggs
at a rotten rival
team's school bus.
He would not, he could
not, and he did not.
- He would, he
could, and he did!
And I beg the court not
to let Arnold Jackson,
this sleazy, fast-talking
mouthpiece, cloud the issue.
Dudley's wanton and reckless act
has made our whole
school look bad.
- Lisa, if you really cared
about how this school looked,
you'd get a face transplant.
(pupils laughing)
- Order! (tap)
(horsey laugh)
- Let's just...
Settle down, people.
Anyone can break a gavel
four times.
There.
Now, Arnold, Lisa, now
just stop fooling around.
Even though this is
only a student court,
it is not to be treated lightly.
- That's very profound,
sir, may I use it?
- Certainly, Lisa.
- Your honor, in the
interest of serving truth,
justice, and the American way,
the defense calls Lisa
Hayes to the stand.
- I'm gonna bury you.
- Okay, Lisa, tell
the court exactly
what did you see happen?
- Well, I was standing
in the schoolyard,
thinking about the many
extra credit assignments
I've completed this term.
- Lisa, just stick to
the relevant facts.
- Very well.
Well, it was right after
our glorious team's
narrow loss to
Fremont Junior High.
- Narrow?
We lost 79 to three!
- I'm sure that's why
Dudley pelted their
team bus with eggs.
- And just where was
the alleged Dudley
when he threw the alleged eggs?
- In the schoolyard.
I saw the eggs hit the bus
and I ran around the corner
and there was
Dudley standing there
with a guilty look on his face.
- If you had his
attendance record,
you'd look guilty, too.
- He's got you there,
Lisa. (horsey laugh)
- Robbie.
- Uh, yes, Mr. Stone.
Uh, order in the court! (bang)
(pupils laughing)
- So, you never actually
saw Dudley throw those eggs?
- Well, no, I just assumed...
- Aha!
Assumed.
You're dismissed.
Your Honor, I call Dudley
A. Johnson to the stand.
Hey, Jennifer, watch this.
Dudley, who was the uh,
pitcher in the final baseball game?
- I was.
- And where did
you first pitch land?
- The dugout.
- And your second pitch?
- The snack bar.
- And your third pitch?
- There wasn't one.
The coach chased
me off the field.
- In other words, you're
not much of a pitcher.
- What are you talkin' about?
I pitched a no hitter.
I didn't hit anybody.
Dudley, take this baseball.
Throw it to Mr. Stone.
- Uh, now, Dudley, please.
Well, hold it, Dudley!
Dudley, Dudley,
now wait a minute!
- I rest my case!
It's obvious this man
could not hit a school bus.
In fact, he couldn't
hit a school.
- Lisa, do you have
anything else to say?
- Only that I can't
believe you're listening
to this legal
loudmouth's defense.
- Arnold, any closing remarks?
- Uh, yes, Your Honor.
But just for the
prosecuting attorney.
(blows raspberry)
- Arnold!
Well, Robbie, um,
what's your decision?
- Not guilty!
(bang)
(pupils clapping)
- Oh, Arnold, that was wonderful
the way you saved Dudley.
Can I get a picture
for the newspaper?
- Okay.
But only if you
get my good side.
- He's usually sitting on it.
(click)
- How about an interview
at lunch tomorrow, Arnold?
- Why wait?
Let's do it over a banana
split now, my sweetness.
- Come along, my sweetness.
- I just can't wait for
you to read the article
I wrote about the trial.
Your brilliant interview
made my story
that much better.
- I figured it would.
- Oh, Arnold, you're so cute.
- I think I'm gonna
have my cheek bronzed.
Or would you like to
go for bronzed lips?
- Arnold, how can you
hold hands with that rat fink?
- Watch your mouth, Robbie,
this rat fink's my main squeeze!
- Look!
Look what this cheese
nibbler wrote about me.
- "Nerd presides
over student court."
- A nerd!
She called me a nerd!
- Ah, it's probably
some mistake.
- "Yesterday, Robbie
Jason, a real nerd,
presided over student court.
His nerdly behavior reduced
the proceedings to a mockery."
It says "See page
six, Nerd continued."
- Jennifer, did you write this?
- Of course I did, it's true.
- Well, look, if anybody
can see the humor in this,
I'm sure Robbie can.
Right, Rob? (laughs)
- It's not funny.
Since this came out half
the school's not talking to me.
- Wait, here comes
Mr. Stone, he'll settle this.
- And Mr. Stone, I
really enjoy helping you
with these attendance sheets.
I took them home last
night and in only three hours,
I was able to put them
in alphabetical order.
- Hmm, thank you, Lisa.
- Mr. Stone, I think
we've got a problem here.
- Look at this.
- Oh, yes, the nerd article.
Jennifer, I want to
talk to you about that.
- You should, sir.
Because of her, the whole
school thinks I'm a nerd.
I walk down the halls and
hear hundreds of voices
going (horsey laugh).
And I don't even
laugh like that.
- Well, obviously Robbie
feels he's been libeled.
So I guess this should
be settled in student court.
- That sounds very
fair and equitable, sir.
- I'm glad you think so, Lisa,
because I'm appointing
you as Robbie's lawyer.
- Defend this fool?
- Lisa.
- I'm honored to be chosen, sir.
- I love it when
you squirm, Lisa.
- And Arnold, uh, although
both Jennifer and Robbie
are your friends,
I'm sure you'll have
no trouble being fair.
- Uh, sir?
Uh, I don't understand.
- You're going to be the judge.
- What you talkin'
about, Mr. Stone?
- You heard me, Arnold.
- I'm dead.
Thanks, Maggie.
Sam, choosing between my
best friend and my girlfriend
is like you having to
choose between rocky road
and chocolate
chocolate chip ice cream.
- It can't be done, Arnold.
- At least I lucked out
and got the trial
postponed till tomorrow.
- Good idea.
That'll give you extra
time to study your case.
- Actually, I wanted
the extra time
to get hit by a bus.
- Get your mind off it, Arnold.
Dig into my mother's famous
down home seafood soup.
It'll make your tummy
tingle and your tootsies jingle.
- Thanks, Maggie.
Um, I've looked at a
lot of soup in my day,
but this is the first time
it's ever looked back at me.
- That's a crayfish, Arnold.
A big, juicy, smelly one.
- Eat up, Arnold,
it's good for you.
In fact, have mine.
- Philip, stop that
and eat your soup.
- If it doesn't eat me first.
- Philip, just
pull the shell off.
It's like a little lobster.
- And the best
part is the feelers.
- Yeah.
They tickle when they go down.
(giggles)
- Hey, it's pretty good!
- Glad you like it.
Next week we're having
hog jowls and chitlins.
- I can't wait.
- Come on, Arnold, eat up.
- Oh, no thanks, Maggie.
I don't have any appetite.
What am I gonna
do about tomorrow?
How can I stab
Robbie in the back?
- Don't.
Stab Jennifer in the back.
- And lose the most
beautiful girl in the world?
- Arnold, so long as
you judge the case fairly,
even if you have to
decide against Jennifer,
I am sure she will
still respect you.
- But will she still date me?
- Isn't respect enough?
- You can't take
respect to the prom.
- All right, people, now
this is Smith vs. Jason.
Robbie, the plaintiff, is
suing Jennifer, the defendant,
for libel.
Lisa Hayes will represent Robbie
and Jennifer will
defend herself.
Mm-hmm, okay now all rise.
Roosevelt Junior High
student court is now in session,
Arnold Jackson presiding.
Arnold, you're supposed
to gavel the court to order.
- And I will, as soon
as I find my hands.
(banging) You may all be seated.
Hear ye, hear ye, (banging)
hear ye, hear ye.
- Uh, Arnold.
- Hear ye, hear ye.
- Arnold!
Uh, Arnold, we hear ye.
- Right, sir.
- Yes, could we please get
on with this trial, Your Honor?
And I use that term loosely.
- Okay.
Why don't we hear from you first
as long as your big
mouth's already open.
- I intend to
prove to this court
that the article written
by Jennifer Smith
has no basis in fact
and served only to damage
my client's reputation.
He's not a nerd.
A little goofy, maybe,
but uh, definitely not a nerd.
In fact, I ask the
court to think about
the character of this
poor, suffering victim.
A man who doesn't drink,
a man who doesn't smoke,
a man who doesn't chase women.
This man is a bore,
ladies and gentlemen,
but he's not a nerd.
We're looking at a veteran here,
a man who spent two
years in the Cub Scouts,
where he was decorated.
- That's right and I've got
a purple heart to prove it.
I burned my lip on a
toasted marshmallow.
(horsey laugh)
(gavel banging)
- Okay, Jennifer, the court
would like to hear from you now.
- Thank you very
much, your honor.
- I object!
She's obviously trying
to influence the judge
with her legs.
- Legs?
She has legs?
I didn't even notice.
- Arnold!
Arnold, this is the
courtroom, not anatomy class.
- Mr. Stone, I move
that Arnold Jackson
disqualify himself as the judge.
- On what grounds, Lisa?
- On the grounds that he
has the hots for Jennifer.
(bang)
- Motion overruled!
I do not have the
hots for Jennifer.
You may proceed,
my little buttercup.
- Thank you, Arnold-poo.
- Please.
That's Your Honor-poo.
- Well, I've done
a little research
and I've learned in a libel case
truth is a perfect defense.
In other words, if I
call somebody a nerd
and he really is a nerd,
then it can't be libel.
Isn't that right, Mr. Stone?
- That's correct, Jennifer.
- Then I've got her!
'Cause I'm not a nerd!
- Oh no?
Give the court
your idea of a date.
- If it were this weekend,
I'd take her to my
stamp club meeting.
We're having a great lecture,
Inferior Glue: Can
We Lick the Problem?
- I could rest my case on that,
but I won't.
Could Robbie please come
up and stand next to the easel?
Exhibit A.
The poster describes
a classic nerd.
Notice the similarities.
Crooked glasses.
Crooked glasses!
Shirt buttoned at the top.
Shirt buttoned at the top.
Pocket protector full of pens.
Pocket protector
full of pens.
And of course, the nerd laugh.
- I've got you
there. (horsey laugh)
(banging gavel)
- Hey, uh, Robbie.
Maybe you should start
thinking about plea bargaining.
Would you settle for
being called a wimp?
- A wimp?
No way.
I'm walking out of here
either a free man or a nerd.
- Uh, Your Honor.
I'll spare the court those
kind of cheap theatrics
and call on my expert witness.
Mr. Stone, please bring
in the reformed nerd.
- Come in.
(pupils laughing)
(banging)
Okay, now just sit
right down here, son.
- Thanks, Mrs. Henley.
- Would you please,
uh, state your name?
- You can just call
me the unknown nerd.
- Wait a minute.
Dudley, is that you?
- I can't say, I'm anonymous.
- Dudley, that is you.
(bang) You're disqualified.
Get out of here.
- Sorry, Robbie.
(crash)
- Uh, Robbie, this isn't
looking too good for you, um...
Lisa, do you have any
other evidence or witnesses
on Robbie's behalf?
- No, Your Honor, I don't.
- Well, Arnold, you've
heard all the evidence
and the facts.
Have you reached a decision?
- Yes, Mr. Stone.
The decision is...
The decision is...
That I'll have it tomorrow.
Court adjourned until three PM.
(video game beeping)
(knocking)
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, son.
Hey, you seem to have
something on your mind tonight.
You wanna talk about it?
- I don't need to.
I've reached a decision.
I'm quitting.
I'm turning in my gavel.
- Are you sure that you
wanna do that, Arnold?
- Positive.
- Well, I realize that you
do have a pretty tough
decision to make.
- A killer decision.
Now I know why that
judge on People's Court
gets so cranky.
- I guess up till now
about the toughest decision
you've ever had to
make is figuring out
what you wanted for Christmas.
- Oh, but Dad, that's a
grueling six month dilemma.
And all the time
living with the fear
of opening my gifts
and finding underwear.
- You know, as we get older,
we have to face dilemmas
that are a lot more
important than that.
- Yeah, I'm finding that out.
If I side against Robbie,
I'll hurt his feelings.
If I side against
Jennifer, I'll lose her
and that'll hurt my feelings.
- Well, she does have
nicer legs than Robbie.
All right.
See, Arnold, this is
the kind of a decision
that you just can't let
your feelings interfere with.
You gotta use your
head and do what's right.
It's all part of growing up.
- Why do I always
get stuck in a position
where it's gonna cost
me some of my friends?
- Arnold, look.
I know that this isn't
gonna be pleasant,
but running away from your
problems isn't pretty either.
And if you don't go to school
court tomorrow morning,
that's exactly what
you'll be doing.
- Then I gotta do it, huh?
- Hey, you can handle it.
- Okay.
But I can see it now.
I'll get everybody mad at me
and I'll end up
a lonely old man,
sitting around in
my new underwear.
- Will the parties
involved please rise?
Arnold?
- Well...
I've given this
a lot of thought.
Jennifer presented
a very strong case
and Robbie, you made the
guy in the picture look good.
- Thank you, sir.
- Shh!
- Of course, it occurred to
me that nobody likes a nerd,
right?
- [Pupils] Right.
- True.
- Well, in that case, how
many people in this courtroom
really like Robbie?
Well, if everyone likes Robbie,
then he certainly
can't be a nerd.
So in spite of Lisa's
poor, lackluster,
ill-conceived defense,
I find that Robbie is not a nerd
and that also
Jennifer must print
a front page retraction.
Court adjourned. (bang)
(cheering)
- I'm not a nerd!
I'm not a nerd!
- Oh, yuck!
Look but don't touch!
- Well, Arnold, that
was a fine display
of honor and integrity.
Does that mean I can be
excused from math class this week?
- No.
- Jennifer.
I hope you understand that
what I did I thought was right.
- Of course.
I understand.
You did what you had to do.
- Does that mean
that you and I could still
have a date Saturday?
- What are you, nuts?
- Yep.
Me alone in my underwear.
- Hey, Arnold, thanks a lot!
You saved my life.
If there's anything I can
ever do for you, just ask.
- Well, you can do me a favor
and get rid of
that stupid laugh.
- What laugh? (horsey laugh)
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
(fanfare)
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes ♪
♪ Different strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
- And isn't also true
that you took that
piece of lemon pie
that I had personally hidden
in the back of the refrigerator
and ate it?
- It wasn't me, Arnold, honest.
It must've been someone
else, like a pie burglar!
- And isn't also true
that you went to bed
without dessert that night?
- Would you believe I've
been watching my figure?
- What I do believe is
in the dark of the night
you snuck out of your bunk
and slipped into the kitchen
and gobbled up my piece of pie.
And I have the
evidence to prove it.
Exhibit A.
Crumbs on your pillow.
- Okay, I did it, I did it!
I'm sorry, Arnold.
(clapping)
- You're a really
fine lawyer, Arnold.
- And I really believed
you ate that pie, Sam.
That's one fine acting job.
- I wasn't acting.
- Sam, that was the last piece.
I'm gonna see you
tonight for sentencing.
You could get five to ten.
- I'd better go call my lawyer.
- Well, guess I
took care of him.
And I'll do the same
when I defend Dudley
in student court today.
- You'll be terrific, Arnold.
- I better be.
Because Jennifer
Smith is covering the trial
for the school newspaper.
And I'm talking Jennifer
Smith with the legs
that reduce men to
boys and boys to babies.
- You sound serious
about Jennifer.
- Uh, let me put it this way.
I think the both of you
better start thinking about
where you're gonna send
us on our honeymoon.
I think it's a tossup between
Paris and Disneyworld.
- Arnold, I think you
ought to take this
student court more
seriously than that.
It's an opportunity
to learn about the law
and I'm sure the
kids feel that it's fair
when they judge each other.
It's a smart idea.
- And courts can
be fun, too, Arnold.
Like my cousin,
Longhorn Apple's trial.
- Longhorn Apple?
What was he on
trial for, his name?
- No, no, for making
moonshine whiskey
you could kickstart
a lawnmower with.
- Oh, I remember
Longhorn at our wedding.
He wore tennis shoes
and drank champagne
out of a mason jar.
- Did Longhorn get off?
- Sure, he did.
The judge was cousin
Shorthorn Apple.
- I won't need any relatives.
The only weapon I need
is my golden tongue.
And a dopey judge
couldn't hurt either.
- Continue, Arnold.
- Your Honor, my client,
Dudley A. Johnson,
a pillar of our
student community,
is not the kind of guy
to throw rotten eggs
at a rotten rival
team's school bus.
He would not, he could
not, and he did not.
- He would, he
could, and he did!
And I beg the court not
to let Arnold Jackson,
this sleazy, fast-talking
mouthpiece, cloud the issue.
Dudley's wanton and reckless act
has made our whole
school look bad.
- Lisa, if you really cared
about how this school looked,
you'd get a face transplant.
(pupils laughing)
- Order! (tap)
(horsey laugh)
- Let's just...
Settle down, people.
Anyone can break a gavel
four times.
There.
Now, Arnold, Lisa, now
just stop fooling around.
Even though this is
only a student court,
it is not to be treated lightly.
- That's very profound,
sir, may I use it?
- Certainly, Lisa.
- Your honor, in the
interest of serving truth,
justice, and the American way,
the defense calls Lisa
Hayes to the stand.
- I'm gonna bury you.
- Okay, Lisa, tell
the court exactly
what did you see happen?
- Well, I was standing
in the schoolyard,
thinking about the many
extra credit assignments
I've completed this term.
- Lisa, just stick to
the relevant facts.
- Very well.
Well, it was right after
our glorious team's
narrow loss to
Fremont Junior High.
- Narrow?
We lost 79 to three!
- I'm sure that's why
Dudley pelted their
team bus with eggs.
- And just where was
the alleged Dudley
when he threw the alleged eggs?
- In the schoolyard.
I saw the eggs hit the bus
and I ran around the corner
and there was
Dudley standing there
with a guilty look on his face.
- If you had his
attendance record,
you'd look guilty, too.
- He's got you there,
Lisa. (horsey laugh)
- Robbie.
- Uh, yes, Mr. Stone.
Uh, order in the court! (bang)
(pupils laughing)
- So, you never actually
saw Dudley throw those eggs?
- Well, no, I just assumed...
- Aha!
Assumed.
You're dismissed.
Your Honor, I call Dudley
A. Johnson to the stand.
Hey, Jennifer, watch this.
Dudley, who was the uh,
pitcher in the final baseball game?
- I was.
- And where did
you first pitch land?
- The dugout.
- And your second pitch?
- The snack bar.
- And your third pitch?
- There wasn't one.
The coach chased
me off the field.
- In other words, you're
not much of a pitcher.
- What are you talkin' about?
I pitched a no hitter.
I didn't hit anybody.
Dudley, take this baseball.
Throw it to Mr. Stone.
- Uh, now, Dudley, please.
Well, hold it, Dudley!
Dudley, Dudley,
now wait a minute!
- I rest my case!
It's obvious this man
could not hit a school bus.
In fact, he couldn't
hit a school.
- Lisa, do you have
anything else to say?
- Only that I can't
believe you're listening
to this legal
loudmouth's defense.
- Arnold, any closing remarks?
- Uh, yes, Your Honor.
But just for the
prosecuting attorney.
(blows raspberry)
- Arnold!
Well, Robbie, um,
what's your decision?
- Not guilty!
(bang)
(pupils clapping)
- Oh, Arnold, that was wonderful
the way you saved Dudley.
Can I get a picture
for the newspaper?
- Okay.
But only if you
get my good side.
- He's usually sitting on it.
(click)
- How about an interview
at lunch tomorrow, Arnold?
- Why wait?
Let's do it over a banana
split now, my sweetness.
- Come along, my sweetness.
- I just can't wait for
you to read the article
I wrote about the trial.
Your brilliant interview
made my story
that much better.
- I figured it would.
- Oh, Arnold, you're so cute.
- I think I'm gonna
have my cheek bronzed.
Or would you like to
go for bronzed lips?
- Arnold, how can you
hold hands with that rat fink?
- Watch your mouth, Robbie,
this rat fink's my main squeeze!
- Look!
Look what this cheese
nibbler wrote about me.
- "Nerd presides
over student court."
- A nerd!
She called me a nerd!
- Ah, it's probably
some mistake.
- "Yesterday, Robbie
Jason, a real nerd,
presided over student court.
His nerdly behavior reduced
the proceedings to a mockery."
It says "See page
six, Nerd continued."
- Jennifer, did you write this?
- Of course I did, it's true.
- Well, look, if anybody
can see the humor in this,
I'm sure Robbie can.
Right, Rob? (laughs)
- It's not funny.
Since this came out half
the school's not talking to me.
- Wait, here comes
Mr. Stone, he'll settle this.
- And Mr. Stone, I
really enjoy helping you
with these attendance sheets.
I took them home last
night and in only three hours,
I was able to put them
in alphabetical order.
- Hmm, thank you, Lisa.
- Mr. Stone, I think
we've got a problem here.
- Look at this.
- Oh, yes, the nerd article.
Jennifer, I want to
talk to you about that.
- You should, sir.
Because of her, the whole
school thinks I'm a nerd.
I walk down the halls and
hear hundreds of voices
going (horsey laugh).
And I don't even
laugh like that.
- Well, obviously Robbie
feels he's been libeled.
So I guess this should
be settled in student court.
- That sounds very
fair and equitable, sir.
- I'm glad you think so, Lisa,
because I'm appointing
you as Robbie's lawyer.
- Defend this fool?
- Lisa.
- I'm honored to be chosen, sir.
- I love it when
you squirm, Lisa.
- And Arnold, uh, although
both Jennifer and Robbie
are your friends,
I'm sure you'll have
no trouble being fair.
- Uh, sir?
Uh, I don't understand.
- You're going to be the judge.
- What you talkin'
about, Mr. Stone?
- You heard me, Arnold.
- I'm dead.
Thanks, Maggie.
Sam, choosing between my
best friend and my girlfriend
is like you having to
choose between rocky road
and chocolate
chocolate chip ice cream.
- It can't be done, Arnold.
- At least I lucked out
and got the trial
postponed till tomorrow.
- Good idea.
That'll give you extra
time to study your case.
- Actually, I wanted
the extra time
to get hit by a bus.
- Get your mind off it, Arnold.
Dig into my mother's famous
down home seafood soup.
It'll make your tummy
tingle and your tootsies jingle.
- Thanks, Maggie.
Um, I've looked at a
lot of soup in my day,
but this is the first time
it's ever looked back at me.
- That's a crayfish, Arnold.
A big, juicy, smelly one.
- Eat up, Arnold,
it's good for you.
In fact, have mine.
- Philip, stop that
and eat your soup.
- If it doesn't eat me first.
- Philip, just
pull the shell off.
It's like a little lobster.
- And the best
part is the feelers.
- Yeah.
They tickle when they go down.
(giggles)
- Hey, it's pretty good!
- Glad you like it.
Next week we're having
hog jowls and chitlins.
- I can't wait.
- Come on, Arnold, eat up.
- Oh, no thanks, Maggie.
I don't have any appetite.
What am I gonna
do about tomorrow?
How can I stab
Robbie in the back?
- Don't.
Stab Jennifer in the back.
- And lose the most
beautiful girl in the world?
- Arnold, so long as
you judge the case fairly,
even if you have to
decide against Jennifer,
I am sure she will
still respect you.
- But will she still date me?
- Isn't respect enough?
- You can't take
respect to the prom.
- All right, people, now
this is Smith vs. Jason.
Robbie, the plaintiff, is
suing Jennifer, the defendant,
for libel.
Lisa Hayes will represent Robbie
and Jennifer will
defend herself.
Mm-hmm, okay now all rise.
Roosevelt Junior High
student court is now in session,
Arnold Jackson presiding.
Arnold, you're supposed
to gavel the court to order.
- And I will, as soon
as I find my hands.
(banging) You may all be seated.
Hear ye, hear ye, (banging)
hear ye, hear ye.
- Uh, Arnold.
- Hear ye, hear ye.
- Arnold!
Uh, Arnold, we hear ye.
- Right, sir.
- Yes, could we please get
on with this trial, Your Honor?
And I use that term loosely.
- Okay.
Why don't we hear from you first
as long as your big
mouth's already open.
- I intend to
prove to this court
that the article written
by Jennifer Smith
has no basis in fact
and served only to damage
my client's reputation.
He's not a nerd.
A little goofy, maybe,
but uh, definitely not a nerd.
In fact, I ask the
court to think about
the character of this
poor, suffering victim.
A man who doesn't drink,
a man who doesn't smoke,
a man who doesn't chase women.
This man is a bore,
ladies and gentlemen,
but he's not a nerd.
We're looking at a veteran here,
a man who spent two
years in the Cub Scouts,
where he was decorated.
- That's right and I've got
a purple heart to prove it.
I burned my lip on a
toasted marshmallow.
(horsey laugh)
(gavel banging)
- Okay, Jennifer, the court
would like to hear from you now.
- Thank you very
much, your honor.
- I object!
She's obviously trying
to influence the judge
with her legs.
- Legs?
She has legs?
I didn't even notice.
- Arnold!
Arnold, this is the
courtroom, not anatomy class.
- Mr. Stone, I move
that Arnold Jackson
disqualify himself as the judge.
- On what grounds, Lisa?
- On the grounds that he
has the hots for Jennifer.
(bang)
- Motion overruled!
I do not have the
hots for Jennifer.
You may proceed,
my little buttercup.
- Thank you, Arnold-poo.
- Please.
That's Your Honor-poo.
- Well, I've done
a little research
and I've learned in a libel case
truth is a perfect defense.
In other words, if I
call somebody a nerd
and he really is a nerd,
then it can't be libel.
Isn't that right, Mr. Stone?
- That's correct, Jennifer.
- Then I've got her!
'Cause I'm not a nerd!
- Oh no?
Give the court
your idea of a date.
- If it were this weekend,
I'd take her to my
stamp club meeting.
We're having a great lecture,
Inferior Glue: Can
We Lick the Problem?
- I could rest my case on that,
but I won't.
Could Robbie please come
up and stand next to the easel?
Exhibit A.
The poster describes
a classic nerd.
Notice the similarities.
Crooked glasses.
Crooked glasses!
Shirt buttoned at the top.
Shirt buttoned at the top.
Pocket protector full of pens.
Pocket protector
full of pens.
And of course, the nerd laugh.
- I've got you
there. (horsey laugh)
(banging gavel)
- Hey, uh, Robbie.
Maybe you should start
thinking about plea bargaining.
Would you settle for
being called a wimp?
- A wimp?
No way.
I'm walking out of here
either a free man or a nerd.
- Uh, Your Honor.
I'll spare the court those
kind of cheap theatrics
and call on my expert witness.
Mr. Stone, please bring
in the reformed nerd.
- Come in.
(pupils laughing)
(banging)
Okay, now just sit
right down here, son.
- Thanks, Mrs. Henley.
- Would you please,
uh, state your name?
- You can just call
me the unknown nerd.
- Wait a minute.
Dudley, is that you?
- I can't say, I'm anonymous.
- Dudley, that is you.
(bang) You're disqualified.
Get out of here.
- Sorry, Robbie.
(crash)
- Uh, Robbie, this isn't
looking too good for you, um...
Lisa, do you have any
other evidence or witnesses
on Robbie's behalf?
- No, Your Honor, I don't.
- Well, Arnold, you've
heard all the evidence
and the facts.
Have you reached a decision?
- Yes, Mr. Stone.
The decision is...
The decision is...
That I'll have it tomorrow.
Court adjourned until three PM.
(video game beeping)
(knocking)
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, son.
Hey, you seem to have
something on your mind tonight.
You wanna talk about it?
- I don't need to.
I've reached a decision.
I'm quitting.
I'm turning in my gavel.
- Are you sure that you
wanna do that, Arnold?
- Positive.
- Well, I realize that you
do have a pretty tough
decision to make.
- A killer decision.
Now I know why that
judge on People's Court
gets so cranky.
- I guess up till now
about the toughest decision
you've ever had to
make is figuring out
what you wanted for Christmas.
- Oh, but Dad, that's a
grueling six month dilemma.
And all the time
living with the fear
of opening my gifts
and finding underwear.
- You know, as we get older,
we have to face dilemmas
that are a lot more
important than that.
- Yeah, I'm finding that out.
If I side against Robbie,
I'll hurt his feelings.
If I side against
Jennifer, I'll lose her
and that'll hurt my feelings.
- Well, she does have
nicer legs than Robbie.
All right.
See, Arnold, this is
the kind of a decision
that you just can't let
your feelings interfere with.
You gotta use your
head and do what's right.
It's all part of growing up.
- Why do I always
get stuck in a position
where it's gonna cost
me some of my friends?
- Arnold, look.
I know that this isn't
gonna be pleasant,
but running away from your
problems isn't pretty either.
And if you don't go to school
court tomorrow morning,
that's exactly what
you'll be doing.
- Then I gotta do it, huh?
- Hey, you can handle it.
- Okay.
But I can see it now.
I'll get everybody mad at me
and I'll end up
a lonely old man,
sitting around in
my new underwear.
- Will the parties
involved please rise?
Arnold?
- Well...
I've given this
a lot of thought.
Jennifer presented
a very strong case
and Robbie, you made the
guy in the picture look good.
- Thank you, sir.
- Shh!
- Of course, it occurred to
me that nobody likes a nerd,
right?
- [Pupils] Right.
- True.
- Well, in that case, how
many people in this courtroom
really like Robbie?
Well, if everyone likes Robbie,
then he certainly
can't be a nerd.
So in spite of Lisa's
poor, lackluster,
ill-conceived defense,
I find that Robbie is not a nerd
and that also
Jennifer must print
a front page retraction.
Court adjourned. (bang)
(cheering)
- I'm not a nerd!
I'm not a nerd!
- Oh, yuck!
Look but don't touch!
- Well, Arnold, that
was a fine display
of honor and integrity.
Does that mean I can be
excused from math class this week?
- No.
- Jennifer.
I hope you understand that
what I did I thought was right.
- Of course.
I understand.
You did what you had to do.
- Does that mean
that you and I could still
have a date Saturday?
- What are you, nuts?
- Yep.
Me alone in my underwear.
- Hey, Arnold, thanks a lot!
You saved my life.
If there's anything I can
ever do for you, just ask.
- Well, you can do me a favor
and get rid of
that stupid laugh.
- What laugh? (horsey laugh)
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
(fanfare)