Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 7, Episode 7 - Carmella Meets the Gooch - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪



♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you got ♪

♪ Not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs ♪

♪ And you'll have
yours and I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

- Willis, I know it's
hard, but read my lips.

The girl moving in down the
hall is just an exchange student

from Italy, not a movie star.

- Trust me, Arnold,



all Italian girls look
like Sophia Loren.

And this one's gonna
fall head-over-heels

for Willis Jackson-inini.

(audience laughs)

- Cool down, Pepperoni Pants.

(audience laughs)

This girl probably doesn't
even speak any English.

- She won't have to.

Once she gets within range
of the Willis Jackson aura,

she'll just tear up her passport

and pledge
allegiance to the flag.

(audience laughs)

- (scoffs) Imagine her chagrin

when she finds out
your aura cost $1.98

and comes out of a spray can.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Dad, remind me
to thank the Hansons

for taking in Carmella.

- I don't know how they're
gonna find any time for her.

They're always so
busy with their careers.

- They're so busy their children
had to name themselves.

(audience laughs)

And they didn't even have time

to pick up Carmella
at the airport.

- An Italian girl, and I'm
gonna be the first American guy

she's gonna fall for.

- Willis, give the girl a break.

She's just coming
here to pick up the keys

to the Hanson
apartment, not to audition

for the Willis Jackson
dating service.

(audience laughs)

Arnold, I expect you to
make her feel welcome.

- That's right.

It's gonna be hard for her,
settling into a new country.

She'll be dealing with a
whole different language,

different customs,
different clothing.

- And that's just Willis.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell chimes)

I'll get it.

- Hey, I'd better go to my room.

The ladies always like it better

when Willis Jackson
makes an entrance.

- I always liked you better
when you made an exit.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell chimes)

- Arnold, answer the door.

What are you doing?

- Just in case she does
look like Sophia Loren.

(audience laughs)

Get ready, my
little Italian tomato.

(audience laughs)

You're about to meet the
cacciatore of your dreams.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, I'm Carmella.

(audience laughs)

- Huh?

- I'm Carmella Robinson.

I just arrived from Italy.

- You're the girl
from Italy, oh.

♪ Oh Willis ♪

(audience laughs)

You sure don't look
much like Sophia Loren.

- So what?

You sure don't look
much like John Travolta.

(audience laughs)

- So what part of Italy are
you from, Harlem-a-roni?

(audience laughs)

- Come in, Carmella.

I'm Maggie Drummond.

Please excuse Arnold.

- Thank you very much,

but don't worry about Arnold.

I can handle him.

- I'm Philip Drummond.

Welcome to America.

- Grazie.

♪ Oh Willis ♪

- And the opera singer here
is our son, Arnold Jackson.

- We've met.

(Arnold coughs)

- I'm sorry, Carmella,

but some airhead
told me all the girls

in Italy look like Sophia Loren.

- That's like saying all men

in America look
like Robert Redford.

- We do.

(audience laughs)

- Carmella, you speak
English beautifully.

How long have
you lived in Italy?

- I was born there, but
my parents were born

and raised in Brooklyn.

- Italy is quite a few
blocks from Brooklyn.

How'd you end up there?

- My father's a
colonel in the Army.

- Who's army?

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Sam's.

I spent my whole life
living all over Europe.

For the past four years, we've
been stationed in Florence.

- Florence, oh, what a city!

The women there,
not nearly as attractive

as my lovely wife.

(audience laughs)

- Nice save, Dad.

- What made you
decide to come here?

- My parents thought
it would be good

if I spent some time in America.

♪ Oh Willis ♪

- Who's Willis?

- He's another one of our sons.

- Another son, is he a whole son

or just the other
half of this one?

(audience laughs)

- I don't think I'm going
to like Italian humor.

- Excuse me a minute.

Willis!

Come on in here
and meet Carmella.

♪ Arrivederci, Roma ♪

(lips smack) (audience laughs)

♪ My heart is all aglow ♪

♪ La, la ♪

(audience laughs)

- I think I'm gonna
like it here, hi.

(Willis babbles)

- It's hard to believe
he's a speech major.

- I think he's cute.

- Uh-oh, well, uh,
I got to be going!

Bye, Maggie.

Bye, Dad.

See you guys around.

My steady girlfriend gets
upset if I'm not on time.

She's very jealous
and also waiting.

Bye, Dad, bye,
Maggie, see you...

(door thuds)

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Trick doors, bye!

- He doesn't make much sense

but what a looker.

(lips smack)

Bellisimo!

(audience laughs)

- Woman, you ain't got no taste.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(lips smack)

And you almost sucked
all the nails off your hand.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold!

Carmella, I'm afraid
I have to apologize.

Our boys don't always
behave this strangely,

except when they're awake.

(audience laughs)

Here are the keys
to the apartment.

- Carmella, we surely hope
you like it here in America.

Please come by and
see us anytime you want.

- Thanks, it'll be a
lot easier knowing

that I've already made
some good friends.

- I'm sure Arnold
would be delighted

to help you with your bags.

- No problem, Dad.

(audience laughs)

What do you got in
here, spare tank parts?

(audience laughs)

- You civilians are so soft.

Come on, squid bait!

(audience gasps)

- Squid bait?

- Ten-hut!

Suck in that gut, you
sweet young thing,

don't make me get rough.

I know judo.

March, Jackson!

Don't drag those suitcases.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

(audience applauds)

- Don't cry, dear,
our son left a boy,

but he'll return a man.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm sure he's
gonna be all right.

Although, his arms
may be a little longer.

(Philip laughs)

Hi, Sam.

Sam, what's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Sam, wait a minute.

Something is wrong.

Would you like to tell
us what happened?

- This big bully at school
keeps picking on me.

Look what he did to my
favorite Star Wars lunchbox.

(audience laughs)

Now Luke Skywalker
looks like Jabba the Hutt.

(audience laughs)

- By any chance, is the name

of this lunchbox
crusher The Gooch?

- You got it, Mr. D.
- Oh.

- The Gooch, what the
molasses is a Gooch?

- Well, he's this hulk of kid

that terrified Arnold all
through elementary school.

I guess he's been
held back again.

Maggie, I am talking about
a sixth-grader who votes.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, he found out
I'm Arnold's brother.

And now he's using
me for target practice.

- That's awful.

He sounds like a vicious animal.

- He's not that nice.

(audience laughs)

His hair's all matted down.

I heard he eats out
of a bowl on the floor.

(audience laughs)

And sometimes, for extra credit,

he stays after school and
licks the blackboards clean.

(audience laughs)

- I will not sit by and let
this happen to my baby.

Philip, I want something
done about this.

- Yeah, Mr. D, could
you teach me how to box?

- Absolutely not, Sam,
violence never solved anything.

Relax, Maggie, I've been
through this 100 times with Arnold.

The Gooch is all
bark and no bite.

He's just annoying, sort
of like Howard Cosell.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. D is right,
listen to him, Sam.

Fighting is stupid
and silly and,

and here's what you do.

You lead with your left

and cross with your
right. (audience laughs)

See, lead with your
left, cross with your right.

- Sophia Loren, ha!

(door thuds)

- Oh, well I better go help
Pearl in the kitchen, honey.

- Thanks, Mama.

Arnold, look.

- Hey, Sam, that's a
nice Star Wars notebook.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold, that's my lunchbox.

(audience laughs)

- Wow.

I haven't seen handiwork
like this since the Gooch!

(audience laughs)

- It was the Gooch!

- Oh no, the last time I saw
him, he was in the sixth-grade,

trying to dig his way out
underneath the schoolyard fence.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, he flattened my lunchbox

and said next he
was gonna flatten me.

- Really?

Oh no, Sam.

That's terrible.

What are you gonna do?

(audience laughs)

- I already did it.

I told him my big brother
Arnold was gonna flatten him.

(audience laughs)

- What you talkin' about, Sam?

(audience laughs)

- Well, you're my
big brother, Arnold.

So you're gonna flatten
the Gooch for me, right?

- Uh (coughs),
sure, Sam (laughs).

I'll flatten the Gooch
for you, piece of cake.

That's what big
brothers are for.

- Thanks, Arnold.

I told him you'd do it tomorrow.

(audience laughs)

- Tomorrow?

Okay, Sam.

- Okay, darling,
I'll be back as soon

as I finish taping
my aerobics show.

- Oh listen, Maggie,
I missed my workout.

Do some jumping jacks for me.

(Maggie laughs)

- Maggie, Maggie, wait, wait.

- Willis.

- Huh?

- What's going on?

- Looking to see if
Carmella's out there.

(audience laughs)

She pinched me yesterday, twice,

(Maggie laughs)

once in the hallway
and once in the elevator.

- Well, Willis, what can I say?

It's very Italian.

- It's also very painful.

(audience laughs)

- I'm going out now.

I'll run interference for you.

- Well, Maggie, what I
really need is a rear guard.

- After you.

- Thanks.

(footsteps patter)

(Arnold sighs)
- Hi there, Arnold.

- Dad, can I talk
to you for a minute?

- Sure, what's up?

- Well, I've got this problem.

I stuck my foot in my mouth.

- Well, that's a first.

(audience laughs)

- I know, isn't it
hard to believe?

(audience laughs)

But you see,

I told Sam I was gonna
flatten the Gooch for him.

- Apparently, you stuck
both feet in your mouth.

- I know, I had to.

See, Sam really looks up to me,

and I can't afford to lose him.

I haven't got that
big of a following.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Arnold, Sam
thinks the world of you,

and he always will.

- Yeah, but you know kids today.

They change their
minds just like that.

- Yeah, it's not like it was
when you and I grew up, Arnold.

(audience laughs)

- Right.

You see, Dad, Willis
always came through for me,

once I got his face
out of the mirror.

- Well, I'm sure you'll come up

with a solution for
Sam, a peaceful one.

- But Dad, either way, I lose.

If I don't fight the Gooch,

Sam will think
I'm a big chicken.

If I do fight the Gooch,
I'll be chicken salad.

(audience laughs)

- I will solve your
dilemma for you.

You tell Sam I won't
allow you to fight.

- Really?

Oh thanks, Dad.

And I'm sure the Gooch
will sleep better tonight, too.

But I won't.

I've got to do
something for Sam.

- Arnold, you've dealt
with the Gooch before.

Reason with him.

You've always
gotten the best of him

by using your
wits, not your fists.

- Yeah, you're right.

I forgot that.

- And you're four
years older and wiser.

- And he's four years dumber.

(audience laughs)

I'm sure he's down to
a single-digit IQ by now.

(audience laughs)

- If you give it some thought,

I know you'll do
the right thing.

You may even end up
friends with the Gooch.

You may even want
to invite him over.

Uh, on second thought,

forget it.

We just shampooed the rugs.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks, Dad.

- Well, Arnold, have you decided

what time you're gonna go
down and flatten the Gooch?

- Uh, Sam, I could
kill the Gooch,

(audience laughs)

but unfortunately Dad
has made me promise not

to lay a hand on the lad.

So I decided on a
mature approach.

- What's that?

- Bribery.

Okay, Sam, let's
go over the checklist.

- Right, aluminum softball bat.

- Ah, the Gooch
always had eyes for this.

- Football helmet.

- (sighs) My Joe Theismann,

I'm gonna miss this.

- Raw meat.

(audience laughs)

(Arnold grunts)

- The Gooch is
gonna suck this dry

and then use the
bone for a toothpick.

(audience laughs)

- Squeaky toy!

(toy squeaks)

(audience laughs)

And what you do is
you put this stuff in here.

(audience laughs)

- My stars and garters!

- Arnold, are you all right?

What in the world
happened to you?

- I went to talk to the Gooch.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

(audience laughs)

I tried everything.

The only thing he really liked
was the meat on this bone.

(audience laughs)

- Well, at least he didn't
flatten your lunchbox.

- You mean my lunch ball.

(audience laughs)

- Um, thanks for trying, Arnold.

Don't worry.

I can get used
to getting beat up.

(audience laughs)

Really, I can.

(audience applauds)

(all grunting)

- Philip, we've got to do
something about this Gooch.

- That's right, we've
got to put a stop to it.

I think it's time to
talk to the principal.

- Aw, Dad, you can't do that.

If the kids at Sam's
school found out

his parents are
fighting his battles,

they'd never let
him live it down.

- Ruined at eight.

(audience laughs)

- We got to do
something about this bully

before he really hurts somebody.

Let's call Sam's principal now.

- Come on, I have
his number in my den.

- Sam, we've got to do something

before they go
see the principal,

and you may have to
go to school in Alaska.

(audience laughs)

- What if we both
gang up on him?

- Oh Sam, we can't do that.

Even if you stood
on my shoulders,

all we could do is punch
out his belly button.

(audience laughs)

We've got to find someone
who's strong enough

and mean enough and big
enough to take the Gooch on.

(doorbell chimes)

Now who is this?

(audience laughs)

Carmella, my dear,

my friend, my
buddy, my compadre.

- Arnold, how many times

did the Gooch hit
you over the head?

- Shh!

Just watch the genius in action.

Carmella, there's a small
task that we would like you

to perform for the
good of mankind.

- You mean like
tape your mouth shut?

(Arnold laughs)

- That's funny.

Did I ever tell you
how funny she is, Sam?

- No.
- Shut up, Sam.

(audience laughs)

- So what do you want, Arnold?

I haven't got all day.

- Okay.

There's this bully down at
Sam's school named the Gooch,

and he's really been
giving Sam the business.

I went down there to
try and put a stop to it,

and it didn't work out too well.

- Arnold got creamed.

(Arnold grunts)
(audience laughs)

- What the child is trying

to say is I couldn't
quite handle it,

but I'm sure you could.

- You want me to fight?

In case you haven't noticed,

I happen to be a young lady,

and the last thing a
young lady wants is

to get a reputation of a
common street fighter.

- I'd get you a
date with Willis.

- The Gooch is dead meat.

(audience laughs)

Come on out, squid bait.

- It doesn't seem
like he's around.

- So where is he?

- Well, he's usually eating
all the lunches he took

from the kids during the day.

(lunchboxes clatter)

(audience laughs)

- Well, a soldier's got to
do what a soldier's got to do.

Hey, Gooch, come on out here

and let's have a
woman-to-beast talk!

(audience laughs)

Get out here, mister!

(trash can clangs)

- Uh, Carmella, you get the idea

that maybe this isn't working?

- Well, I was hoping I
wouldn't have to do this,

but Willis is worth it.

It's judo time!

- I haven't seen
anything like that.

- Yeah, it was awful.

- The devastation.

What a mess!

♪ Duh, da-da ♪

♪ Duh, da-da ♪

♪ Duh, da-da-da,
da-da-da, duh, duh ♪

The Gooch is history!

(audience laughs)

- I got to hand it
to you, Carmella.

I never thought
it could be done.

- That's because when
you went down there,

they sent a boy to
do a woman's job.

(audience applauds) (Sam laughs)

- That's a good one,
Carmella (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- Well, squid
bait, I did my duty.

Now it's time for you to pay up.

I want my man.

Where's Willis?

- Uh, I talked to Willis.

He can't wait.

In fact, I think he's upstairs
showering even as we speak.

- He better be.

Remember what
happened to the Gooch.

I'm going back to my
quarters, scrub down

and slide into my Calvins.

(audience hoots)

- You'll never get
Willis to do it, Arnold.

- Don't worry, I
can handle Willis.

(Willis laughs)

(audience laughs)

- You want me to take
Carmella out (laughs)?

You guys have got to be kidding.

Not in a million years.

No, correction, not in
two million years (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- So you see, Dad,
you've got to help me.

First, the Gooch kills me,

and now the Gooch's
killer is gonna kill me.

- You just relax, Arnold.

We'll talk about it with Willis.

- Can you believe that?

The Gooch was actually
beaten up by a girl.

- Well, I don't find
that so hard to believe.

There've been a few taxi drivers

who were pretty sorry
they tangled with this girl.

- And a couple of truck
drivers aren't too happy, either.

(audience laughs)

And then there was that plumber.

- Sam.

(Willis sighs)

(audience laughs)

- No, forget it, I'm not
taking her out, Dad.

You can cut off my allowance.

You can disinherit me.

You don't have to buy
me that car you promised...

- Suppose we just talk about it.

- Okay, you guys
can talk about it.

I'll be upstairs.

- Listen, Willis,

I can't condone her
fighting with the Gooch.

But she did do a very
nice thing for your brothers.

- Well, fine, let them date her.

(audience laughs)

- Willis, honey, we're not
asking you to marry her.

- Oh well, that's only

because Mr. Big
Mouth didn't think of it.

- Oh please,
Willis, just this once.

- No.

(audience laughs)

- Just this once.

- Oh no, Sam, not
the hound dog eyes.

(audience laughs)

Oh man.

- Now Willis, I could
order you to do it.

We could probably
trick you into doing it.

But I think you should
do it for one good reason,

to make a young girl very happy,

and you'd feel
good about it, too.

I'll foot the bill for the date.

- Well, okay, Dad, I'll do it.

- Great, super.

Thanks, Willis, you
bailed me out again.

Hey, that's what
big brothers are for,

and I think you're the best
big brother that ever lived.

- Thanks, Arnold,
you really mean that?

- No.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell chimes)

- I got it.

- Here you go,
Willis, my credit card.

- Hey, thanks, Dad.

Sky's the limit?

- Here's a 20.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Jackson's the
name, dating's the game.

Now let's get downstairs
and catch a taxi to heaven.

- I knew I'd get
you, cute stuff.

(audience laughs)

- Ouch!

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world, hmm ♪

(dramatic music)