Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 7, Episode 13 - Baseball Blues - full transcript
When Sam's little-league baseball-coach quits, Drummond takes over - but Drummond's coaching methods antagonize the other kids' parents. Meanwhile, Willis yearns for an expensive car as his graduation present.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got different strokes,
it takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'cause it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
(laughing)
- All right, Maggie.
I'm glad you're having
fun at my sister's place.
Oh, I miss you too, honey.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sure, put him on.
Hi, Arnold.
How do you like Palm Beach?
Maggie told me you
went for a ride on a boat.
Oh, rough seas, huh?
No, Arnold, I can't imagine
what you'd look like green.
All right, give Maggie
and your Aunt Sophie
a big kiss from me, and I'll
see you when you get back.
Bye.
- Hi, Dad.
I'm in love.
- You hide it very well.
- Dad, she's beautiful.
Long, and lean.
- Well, that beats
short and squat.
- She's the most
gorgeous car I've ever seen.
- Forget it, Willis, I am not
going to buy you a Mercedes.
- How'd you know that?
- Oh, little hints, like
a Mercedes brochure
stuffed under my pillow.
Now, Willis, when
I told you that
you could have a
car for graduation,
I was thinking more in
the $4,000 neighborhood.
- That's not a
neighborhood, that's a slum.
Oh, come on, Dad,
what's the big deal?
We're rich.
- Wrong, Willis.
I'm rich.
I want you to learn
the value of the dollar.
Besides, there's nothing
wrong with a $4,000 automobile.
- Ah, you're right, Dad,
what's the big deal?
I mean, who needs those
fancy extras like seats,
doors, wheels.
- Sam, you're home early
from baseball practice.
- They canceled practice.
- How come?
- Coach Reynolds quit.
- Quit?
Did he say why?
- He said we're the
nicest team ever,
but watching us play
baseball gave him cramps.
- Oh, that's a shame.
Well, you can't have a
team without a coach.
- I know.
Who's gonna yell at us?
- Yeah, my little
slugger needs a coach.
Well, I'll speak to
some of the parents.
- But we've asked everyone.
We even tried to ask the wino
who was curled up on home plate.
But we couldn't shake him awake.
How about you
coaching us, Mr. D?
- Oh no, no, no, not me, sorry.
- Come on, Dad, why not?
- Because I have
had my fill of coaching
sandlot leagues.
It was terrible.
All those crazy parents,
they throw things,
they shout insults.
Some of them even spit.
- Yeah, some of those
moms get carried away.
- Yeah.
Besides, Sam, I wasn't
a very good coach, really.
Tell him, Willis.
- Oh, Sam, he was
the pits, the worst.
I mean, he was...
- Willis, you made the point.
- Aw, come on, Mr. D.
You'd work out great.
We're the pits, too.
- No, I don't think so, Sam.
Oh, come on now, Sam, don't.
Not the hound dog eyes.
- Aw, go ahead
and go for it, Dad.
I mean, it'd be good
for the both of you.
You don't get to spend
enough time with Little Red.
- Yeah, Mr. D, once you get
to know me, I'm lots of fun.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
I already know that.
Okay, I'll do it.
- All right!
- All right, Dad!
- But on one condition.
On my team, everybody plays.
The Hawks are not gonna
be worried about winning,
all we're gonna worry
about is having a good time.
- Just like I'd be
having in my Mercedes.
- Nice try.
Sam, we're gonna knock 'em dead.
- That's great, Mr. D.
This is gonna be real neat.
- Neat's the word.
I'm gonna be the best darn
baseball coach that I can be.
- The best ever, Mr. D.
- Baseball, huh, baseball.
Is that the game that's
played with a glove and a bat?
- Huh?
- Gotcha!
(crowd cheering)
- Strike one!
- Come on, keep
your eye on the ball!
- Strike two!
(booing)
- Come on, Sam,
let's get a rally going,
we're only down by 21 runs.
- Strike three, you're out!
Game's over!
- Okay, gang, let's have
a big cheer for the Devils.
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Devils, Devils, yay Devils!
- Go tell 'em about
it, be good sports!
- Nice going, Sam.
You choked.
- Buzz off, Clarence,
you got lucky.
- I got four hits.
- So you got lucky four times.
- Hey, Coach, what happened?
- Well, we lost.
- Oh, really?
Is that what all them goose
eggs on the scoreboard meant?
- You tell him, Joe!
- Relax, it's just a game.
It should be fun.
- Fun?
What's fun got
to do with sports?
Reggie Jackson doesn't have fun.
He just makes a
billion dollars a year.
- Now listen, Joe, I agree
with Coach Drummond.
Everyone should have a good
time, all the kids should play.
- Oh, I get it.
That way everybody
gets a chance to strike out.
Right, gang?
- Hang in there, Coach.
- Thanks.
All right, team, over
here, on the bench!
Everybody on the bench.
Now, team.
You played a good game.
But you need a few pointers.
Now, Clarence, you
did fine, but from now on,
when you're up to bat,
take the Eskimo Pie
out of your mouth.
- But sir, if I leave
it on the bench,
Rodney will eat it.
- Rodney, you wouldn't
do that, would ya?
Okay, gang, now listen.
We're a little weak in
the hitting department.
- Rodney wasn't too bad.
He got hit twice.
- Okay, now listen.
I think if you keep
your eye on the ball
and choke up
the bat a little bit,
we'll all do much better.
- Our score choked
me up pretty good.
- Yeah, one run
would've been a lot better.
- Now listen, guys, don't
get down on yourselves.
We're gonna do just fine.
Right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- Now remember my golden rule.
Winning isn't everything.
What's important is coming
out here for the camaraderie,
right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- What we care about is
having fun, right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- Now let's hear
it for the Hawks.
- [All] Hawks, Hawks,
Hawks, yay Hawks!
- Strike three!
That's game.
- Let's hear a big
cheer for the Sharks.
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Sharks, Sharks, yay Sharks.
- Come on, now, team, let's
not get down on ourselves.
Remember my golden rule.
- [All] Winning
isn't everything.
What's important is...
- All right, all right,
I get the point.
But never let it be said
that Coach Drummond
doesn't have another
trick up his sleeve.
If only Coach Drummond
could figure out
what that trick is.
Now just stay back
here for a second
so I can give you a
big introduction, okay?
Now, guys, I've got
a big surprise for you.
Fortunately, I've been
working with a great talent
who's a spokesman
for my favorite charity,
and he's gonna give
you some tips on baseball.
- Oh, great.
We're gonna learn to
bat from Jerry Lewis.
- No, Jerry Lewis
didn't hit 33 home runs
and have 98 RBIs last year.
But my surprise did.
Get ready to give a
big hand to the catcher
of the world champion
Detroit Tigers, Lance Parrish!
(cheering and applauding)
- All right, gang.
Coach Drummond tells me
you're having a rough time.
(all talking at once)
Well, there's no reason
to get discouraged.
The Tigers weren't
always world champions.
In fact, they weren't
even always contenders.
- Yeah, I remember
when you guys stinked.
- No, Rodney, stunk.
They stunk.
Oh, I don't mean
that you guys stunk.
- That's okay.
We stunk.
We had some real tough years.
I understand you're
playing under 500 ball.
(all talking at once)
Well, just dig in,
practice a little harder,
and turn it around.
- What should
we do first, Lance?
- Let's see.
What exactly is your record?
- 0 and 14.
- Well, do what we did.
Try praying.
- We did, and we
lost 36 to nothing.
- All right, we gotta get you
guys on the winning track.
Let's start with
the fundamentals.
This is a bat.
- [All] Yeah!
- Now your stance and
your swing is very important.
You wanna get
comfortable in the box,
keep your eye on the ball,
and then take a good swing.
- Now, Dad, you gotta
picture me cruising along
in my Mercedes.
Head held high.
Rocking to the FM stereo.
Waving to the chicks.
Hey there, mama, looking good.
Catch you later, baby.
(making engine noises)
- You can do all of
that in a $4,000 car.
(imitating brakes squealing)
- Dad, for $4,000
I'll have to slouch
way down in my seat
so no one can see me.
And turn on my AM radio.
Wave at the chicks.
Hi there, mama, you're
looking quite adequate.
Chug, chug, chug.
- That's just fine,
son, chug chug chug
means that you won't be
spending any of your days
in traffic court.
- Or any of my nights
at a drive-in movie.
- Willis, you don't
want to date a girl
who only likes you for your car.
- Sure I do.
- Hi, Willis.
- Hey, Sam.
Did you change into a
clean uniform after the game?
- No, it's the same one.
You don't get
dirty striking out.
We're the cleanest
team in the whole league.
- Lost again, huh?
- There's no joy
in Mudville tonight.
- Well, at least our team
got to meet Lance Parrish.
That was neat.
Thanks, Mr. D.
- Pleasure, Sam.
- Lance Parrish from
the Detroit Tigers?
Oh, man, I bet he gave
you guys a few good tips.
- He gave us lots of tips.
He kept saying I should
keep my eye on the ball,
but I always do.
- Yeah, Sam, but you're
supposed to swing at it, too.
- Funny, Willis.
- Come on, Sam.
I wanna show you the
brochure of the car I want.
- Okay, Willis, but only
if I don't have to hear,
hey there, mama, looking good!
Woo, catch you later, baby!
(engine noises)
(doorbell ringing)
- Ted!
Rodney, what a surprise!
- I, uh, I hope we're
not disturbing you, Phil.
- No, no, not at all.
Come in, come in,
come in, come in.
Can I get you something?
- Yes, please, I'm hungry.
- Here you go.
Ted, what can I do for you?
- Well, Phil, it's
about the Hawks.
You know, I thought your
idea of playing all the kids
was just great, a
lot of the parents did,
but last night we had a meeting.
- A meeting?
I wish I'd been there.
- No you don't.
The phrase Drummond's
a bum came up a lot.
- Well, I guess if
you've lost 14 in a row,
they could've called me
something worse than a bum.
- Oh, they did.
But they're not really
bad people, Phil.
Except for the
ones who suggested
wrapping a baseball
bat around your neck.
- Well, I knew
things were rough,
but I didn't think
they'd gone that far.
- Well, I didn't even
get to the bad stuff yet.
(laughing)
No, but seriously, Phil.
We're worried
about all this losing.
Our kids are down all the time,
and it's just not good
for their self-image.
- Oh, man, I feel really awful.
I really thought I was
doing the right thing.
- Well, we did too.
Right, Rod?
What a kid.
- Well, we'll just have to
do something for those kids.
I guess maybe they've had
their fill of the agony of defeat.
Maybe they could
use a little nibble
on the thrill of victory.
- Well, it would be
nice to win at least once.
- It'd be nice to
score at least once.
Okay, okay, I'll call
some extra practices.
- Well, yeah, but
see, that won't help
with a lot of the kids.
Maybe what we should
do is field our best team
and give the Hawks
a chance at winning.
It's just gotta be better
for all the kids' morale.
- All right.
All right, it sure would
be good to have those kids
feeling better about themselves.
I'll start working on a
new lineup right away.
- Oh, thanks, Phil.
Hey, Rod, you hear that?
You're gonna get a shot at
playing on a winning team.
Isn't that great?
Maybe now he'll
get his appetite back.
- Now listen, gang.
Do you remember when
we talked about winning?
- [All] Yeah!
- Well, here's how
we're gonna do it.
I have selected
a starting lineup
that should help us
rack up some victories.
(cheering)
Now, for all of you
who won't be starting,
don't feel badly, just hang in
there and keep on practicing.
There's the list.
- Hey, I made center field!
- I made outfield!
- Mr. D, I'm not on the list.
- I know that, Sam.
- How come, Mr. D?
I've been practicing every day.
Sam, I know how
hard you're working,
but I just feel that there
are some better ball players
who should start
in front of you.
Hey, come on.
Put her there, old buddy.
Now, Sam.
This is for the
good of the team.
You do understand
that, don't you?
- No I don't.
- Listen, it was hard for
me to bench any of the guys,
but especially you.
'cause I'm your father.
- You're not my father.
My real daddy would've
never done this to me.
- I guess what Sam said
down at the baseball field
really upset you.
- It really hit
home, I'll tell you.
"My real daddy" is something
no stepfather
ever wants to hear.
- Oh, well, he
didn't mean it, Dad.
He was just mad.
You know redheads,
terrible tempers.
Last week he beat up
a Cabbage Patch doll.
- Thanks, Willis.
I probably shouldn't
be surprised at this.
I guess he's been
comparing me to his real father
since the day he arrived.
- Yeah, well, it
makes sense, Dad.
You know, when Arnold
and I came to live with you,
we tested you every day.
- And twice on Sunday.
- I remember a time we
turned on every fire hydrant
for five blocks.
- You flooded out a parade.
- And that was just
to see if you'd keep us
or send us back.
- How did you feel
when you realized
I was going to keep you?
- It felt great, Dad.
Until you got us home
and blistered our bottoms.
- Oh, well, that was just
to prove to you I loved you.
- Oh, yeah, Dad, well,
you made it perfectly clear.
- Well, I sure wish
I could figure out
how to convince
Sam that I love him.
- Why don't you just ask him?
- Oh, Willis, come
on, it's not that...
Maybe it is that simple.
You know, Willis, I
think you're growing up.
I'm glad we had
this talk, thanks.
- Really?
How glad?
- Glad.
Not Mercedes glad.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll see to it that your
new car has an FM radio.
- Hey, that's a start!
- And a finish.
(knocking)
Hi, Sam, how you doing?
That well, huh?
I get the impression that
you're not speaking to me.
Look, we can't get anywhere
if you don't talk to me.
Sam, you remember when
your goldfish Montgomery
was sick and you said
that you sure wished
that he could talk so
that he could tell you
what you could do to
make him feel better?
Well, that's how I feel, Sam.
See, what I really
need to know is this.
Are you upset because
you think I don't love you?
Sam, tell me, what can I
do to prove to you that I do?
- Let me play in the next game.
- Maybe I could just
buy you a Mercedes.
- No thanks, Mr. D.
I wanna play.
I just love baseball,
and I'm getting better.
It takes them a lot longer
to strike me out now.
- Sam, if I let you play,
I'd be going against
my own better judgment.
- Please, Mr. D, please?
This is the most important thing
in the whole wide world to me.
- Oh boy.
Okay, Sam, I'll start
you in the next game.
- Really?
Great, thanks a lot, Mr. D!
And don't worry,
you won't be sorry!
I'm gonna try extra hard.
Yippee!
- How's it going?
- Hey, Willis!
Mr. D's starting me
in the next game!
Isn't that great?
I'm gonna go out
and practice right now!
- Starting him in the next
game, in front of the whole team?
Sam?
Dad, you're
really asking for it.
- If that's what it takes,
that's what I have to do.
I'm gonna go and
help him with his swing.
All right now,
the score is tied.
Rodney, you're up.
- Okay, coach.
- Get on base!
- It hit him, take your base.
- All right, the
bases are loaded!
One hit wins the game, who's up?
- Me, Mr. D!
(groaning)
- Sam's already
struck out four times.
- Go get 'em, Sam.
- I will.
- Say, Daddy Warbucks.
Why don't you buy the kid
his own team to ruin, huh?
Boo, you're a bum,
the coach is a bum!
- All right, Sam,
just do your best.
- Time out!
- Time.
- Clarence, you
go up on and hit.
- But your dad benched me.
- Then pinch hit for me,
because I'm not that good yet.
But just wait.
I'm gonna keep practicing,
and before you know it,
I'll be up there batting 1000.
- Thanks, Sam.
You're okay for a runt.
(cheering)
- What do you think
about my little brother now?
- That was beautiful.
Better than the
Lou Gehrig story.
(cheering)
- Safe, the Hawks win!
- Mr. D, you were right
about me not playing,
and I'm sorry for
what I said before.
- I know you are, Sam.
- And I really do
know that you love me.
- You bet I do.
- And I want you to
know that I love you too.
- I know you do, Sam.
- Hey, Dad, that was great!
A suicide squeeze
play, all right!
(cheering)
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Sam, Sam, yay Sam!
- You know who I appreciate?
- [All] Mr. D, Mr. D,
Mr. D, yay Mr. D!
(applause)
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ And they got different
strokes, it takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got different strokes,
it takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'cause it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
(laughing)
- All right, Maggie.
I'm glad you're having
fun at my sister's place.
Oh, I miss you too, honey.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sure, put him on.
Hi, Arnold.
How do you like Palm Beach?
Maggie told me you
went for a ride on a boat.
Oh, rough seas, huh?
No, Arnold, I can't imagine
what you'd look like green.
All right, give Maggie
and your Aunt Sophie
a big kiss from me, and I'll
see you when you get back.
Bye.
- Hi, Dad.
I'm in love.
- You hide it very well.
- Dad, she's beautiful.
Long, and lean.
- Well, that beats
short and squat.
- She's the most
gorgeous car I've ever seen.
- Forget it, Willis, I am not
going to buy you a Mercedes.
- How'd you know that?
- Oh, little hints, like
a Mercedes brochure
stuffed under my pillow.
Now, Willis, when
I told you that
you could have a
car for graduation,
I was thinking more in
the $4,000 neighborhood.
- That's not a
neighborhood, that's a slum.
Oh, come on, Dad,
what's the big deal?
We're rich.
- Wrong, Willis.
I'm rich.
I want you to learn
the value of the dollar.
Besides, there's nothing
wrong with a $4,000 automobile.
- Ah, you're right, Dad,
what's the big deal?
I mean, who needs those
fancy extras like seats,
doors, wheels.
- Sam, you're home early
from baseball practice.
- They canceled practice.
- How come?
- Coach Reynolds quit.
- Quit?
Did he say why?
- He said we're the
nicest team ever,
but watching us play
baseball gave him cramps.
- Oh, that's a shame.
Well, you can't have a
team without a coach.
- I know.
Who's gonna yell at us?
- Yeah, my little
slugger needs a coach.
Well, I'll speak to
some of the parents.
- But we've asked everyone.
We even tried to ask the wino
who was curled up on home plate.
But we couldn't shake him awake.
How about you
coaching us, Mr. D?
- Oh no, no, no, not me, sorry.
- Come on, Dad, why not?
- Because I have
had my fill of coaching
sandlot leagues.
It was terrible.
All those crazy parents,
they throw things,
they shout insults.
Some of them even spit.
- Yeah, some of those
moms get carried away.
- Yeah.
Besides, Sam, I wasn't
a very good coach, really.
Tell him, Willis.
- Oh, Sam, he was
the pits, the worst.
I mean, he was...
- Willis, you made the point.
- Aw, come on, Mr. D.
You'd work out great.
We're the pits, too.
- No, I don't think so, Sam.
Oh, come on now, Sam, don't.
Not the hound dog eyes.
- Aw, go ahead
and go for it, Dad.
I mean, it'd be good
for the both of you.
You don't get to spend
enough time with Little Red.
- Yeah, Mr. D, once you get
to know me, I'm lots of fun.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
I already know that.
Okay, I'll do it.
- All right!
- All right, Dad!
- But on one condition.
On my team, everybody plays.
The Hawks are not gonna
be worried about winning,
all we're gonna worry
about is having a good time.
- Just like I'd be
having in my Mercedes.
- Nice try.
Sam, we're gonna knock 'em dead.
- That's great, Mr. D.
This is gonna be real neat.
- Neat's the word.
I'm gonna be the best darn
baseball coach that I can be.
- The best ever, Mr. D.
- Baseball, huh, baseball.
Is that the game that's
played with a glove and a bat?
- Huh?
- Gotcha!
(crowd cheering)
- Strike one!
- Come on, keep
your eye on the ball!
- Strike two!
(booing)
- Come on, Sam,
let's get a rally going,
we're only down by 21 runs.
- Strike three, you're out!
Game's over!
- Okay, gang, let's have
a big cheer for the Devils.
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Devils, Devils, yay Devils!
- Go tell 'em about
it, be good sports!
- Nice going, Sam.
You choked.
- Buzz off, Clarence,
you got lucky.
- I got four hits.
- So you got lucky four times.
- Hey, Coach, what happened?
- Well, we lost.
- Oh, really?
Is that what all them goose
eggs on the scoreboard meant?
- You tell him, Joe!
- Relax, it's just a game.
It should be fun.
- Fun?
What's fun got
to do with sports?
Reggie Jackson doesn't have fun.
He just makes a
billion dollars a year.
- Now listen, Joe, I agree
with Coach Drummond.
Everyone should have a good
time, all the kids should play.
- Oh, I get it.
That way everybody
gets a chance to strike out.
Right, gang?
- Hang in there, Coach.
- Thanks.
All right, team, over
here, on the bench!
Everybody on the bench.
Now, team.
You played a good game.
But you need a few pointers.
Now, Clarence, you
did fine, but from now on,
when you're up to bat,
take the Eskimo Pie
out of your mouth.
- But sir, if I leave
it on the bench,
Rodney will eat it.
- Rodney, you wouldn't
do that, would ya?
Okay, gang, now listen.
We're a little weak in
the hitting department.
- Rodney wasn't too bad.
He got hit twice.
- Okay, now listen.
I think if you keep
your eye on the ball
and choke up
the bat a little bit,
we'll all do much better.
- Our score choked
me up pretty good.
- Yeah, one run
would've been a lot better.
- Now listen, guys, don't
get down on yourselves.
We're gonna do just fine.
Right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- Now remember my golden rule.
Winning isn't everything.
What's important is coming
out here for the camaraderie,
right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- What we care about is
having fun, right, gang?
- [All] Right!
- Now let's hear
it for the Hawks.
- [All] Hawks, Hawks,
Hawks, yay Hawks!
- Strike three!
That's game.
- Let's hear a big
cheer for the Sharks.
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Sharks, Sharks, yay Sharks.
- Come on, now, team, let's
not get down on ourselves.
Remember my golden rule.
- [All] Winning
isn't everything.
What's important is...
- All right, all right,
I get the point.
But never let it be said
that Coach Drummond
doesn't have another
trick up his sleeve.
If only Coach Drummond
could figure out
what that trick is.
Now just stay back
here for a second
so I can give you a
big introduction, okay?
Now, guys, I've got
a big surprise for you.
Fortunately, I've been
working with a great talent
who's a spokesman
for my favorite charity,
and he's gonna give
you some tips on baseball.
- Oh, great.
We're gonna learn to
bat from Jerry Lewis.
- No, Jerry Lewis
didn't hit 33 home runs
and have 98 RBIs last year.
But my surprise did.
Get ready to give a
big hand to the catcher
of the world champion
Detroit Tigers, Lance Parrish!
(cheering and applauding)
- All right, gang.
Coach Drummond tells me
you're having a rough time.
(all talking at once)
Well, there's no reason
to get discouraged.
The Tigers weren't
always world champions.
In fact, they weren't
even always contenders.
- Yeah, I remember
when you guys stinked.
- No, Rodney, stunk.
They stunk.
Oh, I don't mean
that you guys stunk.
- That's okay.
We stunk.
We had some real tough years.
I understand you're
playing under 500 ball.
(all talking at once)
Well, just dig in,
practice a little harder,
and turn it around.
- What should
we do first, Lance?
- Let's see.
What exactly is your record?
- 0 and 14.
- Well, do what we did.
Try praying.
- We did, and we
lost 36 to nothing.
- All right, we gotta get you
guys on the winning track.
Let's start with
the fundamentals.
This is a bat.
- [All] Yeah!
- Now your stance and
your swing is very important.
You wanna get
comfortable in the box,
keep your eye on the ball,
and then take a good swing.
- Now, Dad, you gotta
picture me cruising along
in my Mercedes.
Head held high.
Rocking to the FM stereo.
Waving to the chicks.
Hey there, mama, looking good.
Catch you later, baby.
(making engine noises)
- You can do all of
that in a $4,000 car.
(imitating brakes squealing)
- Dad, for $4,000
I'll have to slouch
way down in my seat
so no one can see me.
And turn on my AM radio.
Wave at the chicks.
Hi there, mama, you're
looking quite adequate.
Chug, chug, chug.
- That's just fine,
son, chug chug chug
means that you won't be
spending any of your days
in traffic court.
- Or any of my nights
at a drive-in movie.
- Willis, you don't
want to date a girl
who only likes you for your car.
- Sure I do.
- Hi, Willis.
- Hey, Sam.
Did you change into a
clean uniform after the game?
- No, it's the same one.
You don't get
dirty striking out.
We're the cleanest
team in the whole league.
- Lost again, huh?
- There's no joy
in Mudville tonight.
- Well, at least our team
got to meet Lance Parrish.
That was neat.
Thanks, Mr. D.
- Pleasure, Sam.
- Lance Parrish from
the Detroit Tigers?
Oh, man, I bet he gave
you guys a few good tips.
- He gave us lots of tips.
He kept saying I should
keep my eye on the ball,
but I always do.
- Yeah, Sam, but you're
supposed to swing at it, too.
- Funny, Willis.
- Come on, Sam.
I wanna show you the
brochure of the car I want.
- Okay, Willis, but only
if I don't have to hear,
hey there, mama, looking good!
Woo, catch you later, baby!
(engine noises)
(doorbell ringing)
- Ted!
Rodney, what a surprise!
- I, uh, I hope we're
not disturbing you, Phil.
- No, no, not at all.
Come in, come in,
come in, come in.
Can I get you something?
- Yes, please, I'm hungry.
- Here you go.
Ted, what can I do for you?
- Well, Phil, it's
about the Hawks.
You know, I thought your
idea of playing all the kids
was just great, a
lot of the parents did,
but last night we had a meeting.
- A meeting?
I wish I'd been there.
- No you don't.
The phrase Drummond's
a bum came up a lot.
- Well, I guess if
you've lost 14 in a row,
they could've called me
something worse than a bum.
- Oh, they did.
But they're not really
bad people, Phil.
Except for the
ones who suggested
wrapping a baseball
bat around your neck.
- Well, I knew
things were rough,
but I didn't think
they'd gone that far.
- Well, I didn't even
get to the bad stuff yet.
(laughing)
No, but seriously, Phil.
We're worried
about all this losing.
Our kids are down all the time,
and it's just not good
for their self-image.
- Oh, man, I feel really awful.
I really thought I was
doing the right thing.
- Well, we did too.
Right, Rod?
What a kid.
- Well, we'll just have to
do something for those kids.
I guess maybe they've had
their fill of the agony of defeat.
Maybe they could
use a little nibble
on the thrill of victory.
- Well, it would be
nice to win at least once.
- It'd be nice to
score at least once.
Okay, okay, I'll call
some extra practices.
- Well, yeah, but
see, that won't help
with a lot of the kids.
Maybe what we should
do is field our best team
and give the Hawks
a chance at winning.
It's just gotta be better
for all the kids' morale.
- All right.
All right, it sure would
be good to have those kids
feeling better about themselves.
I'll start working on a
new lineup right away.
- Oh, thanks, Phil.
Hey, Rod, you hear that?
You're gonna get a shot at
playing on a winning team.
Isn't that great?
Maybe now he'll
get his appetite back.
- Now listen, gang.
Do you remember when
we talked about winning?
- [All] Yeah!
- Well, here's how
we're gonna do it.
I have selected
a starting lineup
that should help us
rack up some victories.
(cheering)
Now, for all of you
who won't be starting,
don't feel badly, just hang in
there and keep on practicing.
There's the list.
- Hey, I made center field!
- I made outfield!
- Mr. D, I'm not on the list.
- I know that, Sam.
- How come, Mr. D?
I've been practicing every day.
Sam, I know how
hard you're working,
but I just feel that there
are some better ball players
who should start
in front of you.
Hey, come on.
Put her there, old buddy.
Now, Sam.
This is for the
good of the team.
You do understand
that, don't you?
- No I don't.
- Listen, it was hard for
me to bench any of the guys,
but especially you.
'cause I'm your father.
- You're not my father.
My real daddy would've
never done this to me.
- I guess what Sam said
down at the baseball field
really upset you.
- It really hit
home, I'll tell you.
"My real daddy" is something
no stepfather
ever wants to hear.
- Oh, well, he
didn't mean it, Dad.
He was just mad.
You know redheads,
terrible tempers.
Last week he beat up
a Cabbage Patch doll.
- Thanks, Willis.
I probably shouldn't
be surprised at this.
I guess he's been
comparing me to his real father
since the day he arrived.
- Yeah, well, it
makes sense, Dad.
You know, when Arnold
and I came to live with you,
we tested you every day.
- And twice on Sunday.
- I remember a time we
turned on every fire hydrant
for five blocks.
- You flooded out a parade.
- And that was just
to see if you'd keep us
or send us back.
- How did you feel
when you realized
I was going to keep you?
- It felt great, Dad.
Until you got us home
and blistered our bottoms.
- Oh, well, that was just
to prove to you I loved you.
- Oh, yeah, Dad, well,
you made it perfectly clear.
- Well, I sure wish
I could figure out
how to convince
Sam that I love him.
- Why don't you just ask him?
- Oh, Willis, come
on, it's not that...
Maybe it is that simple.
You know, Willis, I
think you're growing up.
I'm glad we had
this talk, thanks.
- Really?
How glad?
- Glad.
Not Mercedes glad.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll see to it that your
new car has an FM radio.
- Hey, that's a start!
- And a finish.
(knocking)
Hi, Sam, how you doing?
That well, huh?
I get the impression that
you're not speaking to me.
Look, we can't get anywhere
if you don't talk to me.
Sam, you remember when
your goldfish Montgomery
was sick and you said
that you sure wished
that he could talk so
that he could tell you
what you could do to
make him feel better?
Well, that's how I feel, Sam.
See, what I really
need to know is this.
Are you upset because
you think I don't love you?
Sam, tell me, what can I
do to prove to you that I do?
- Let me play in the next game.
- Maybe I could just
buy you a Mercedes.
- No thanks, Mr. D.
I wanna play.
I just love baseball,
and I'm getting better.
It takes them a lot longer
to strike me out now.
- Sam, if I let you play,
I'd be going against
my own better judgment.
- Please, Mr. D, please?
This is the most important thing
in the whole wide world to me.
- Oh boy.
Okay, Sam, I'll start
you in the next game.
- Really?
Great, thanks a lot, Mr. D!
And don't worry,
you won't be sorry!
I'm gonna try extra hard.
Yippee!
- How's it going?
- Hey, Willis!
Mr. D's starting me
in the next game!
Isn't that great?
I'm gonna go out
and practice right now!
- Starting him in the next
game, in front of the whole team?
Sam?
Dad, you're
really asking for it.
- If that's what it takes,
that's what I have to do.
I'm gonna go and
help him with his swing.
All right now,
the score is tied.
Rodney, you're up.
- Okay, coach.
- Get on base!
- It hit him, take your base.
- All right, the
bases are loaded!
One hit wins the game, who's up?
- Me, Mr. D!
(groaning)
- Sam's already
struck out four times.
- Go get 'em, Sam.
- I will.
- Say, Daddy Warbucks.
Why don't you buy the kid
his own team to ruin, huh?
Boo, you're a bum,
the coach is a bum!
- All right, Sam,
just do your best.
- Time out!
- Time.
- Clarence, you
go up on and hit.
- But your dad benched me.
- Then pinch hit for me,
because I'm not that good yet.
But just wait.
I'm gonna keep practicing,
and before you know it,
I'll be up there batting 1000.
- Thanks, Sam.
You're okay for a runt.
(cheering)
- What do you think
about my little brother now?
- That was beautiful.
Better than the
Lou Gehrig story.
(cheering)
- Safe, the Hawks win!
- Mr. D, you were right
about me not playing,
and I'm sorry for
what I said before.
- I know you are, Sam.
- And I really do
know that you love me.
- You bet I do.
- And I want you to
know that I love you too.
- I know you do, Sam.
- Hey, Dad, that was great!
A suicide squeeze
play, all right!
(cheering)
- [All] Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Sam, Sam, yay Sam!
- You know who I appreciate?
- [All] Mr. D, Mr. D,
Mr. D, yay Mr. D!
(applause)
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪
♪ And they got different
strokes, it takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪