Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 7, Episode 11 - Tonsils - full transcript
Drummond sets a bad example when he talks Sam into going to the hospital for a tonsillectomy but later refuses to be checked in himself for a knee injury.
♪ Now the world don't
move to the beat ♪
♪ Of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what they'll have theirs ♪
♪ You'll have yours
and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes
different strokes ♪
♪ To move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
- Let me feel your
forehead again, baby.
You're still running
a little temperature.
How's your throat feel
- It's all warm and scratchy.
Kinda like I
swallowed a sweater.
(audience laughing)
- Here, let's get
your jammies on.
- I thought I heard
someone up here.
How come you're
home so early, Maggie?
- Sam's got himself
a sore throat.
The school called
me at the studio
to come pick him up.
- Oh, I hope it's not
another case of tonsillitis.
- So do I.
- Poor little Sam, suffering so.
All swollen throat
and sore glands.
Ah, the pain, the
misery, the agony!
(gasping) (audience laughing)
- I don't feel that bad, Pearl.
- Yes, you do.
Oh, he's brave for
someone so short.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to fix some hot
tea with lemon and honey.
- Sam will like that very much.
- Oh, then I'll fix
him a cup, too.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I feel
worse than that time
when I was little and I ate
Uncle Carl's chewing tobacco.
- Well, don't you worry, baby.
Uncle Carl is not gonna
yell at you this time.
- I know, I
remember his funeral.
(audience laughing)
How come I keep
getting sore throats
all the time, Mama?
- I don't know, honey.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Glassman right now.
- You mean Dr. Glassman
with the needles?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, Mama, I'm
starting to feel a lot better!
(audience laughing)
- I'll be sure to tell him.
(audience laughing)
- Darn throat.
- Hey, Sam.
Pearl told me you got sent home
with another sore throat.
- Yeah, I tried to stop it.
I even got up early this
morning and gargled.
- I know.
It sounded like Pearl
had another spoon
caught in the garbage disposal.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry, Arnold.
- Hey, look at this way, Sam.
At least you got
out of school early.
- Yeah, I got sent
home a half hour early.
- Only a half hour?
Sam, look.
Let me explain something to you.
When you're sick,
let 'em know fast.
Right after they
take attendance, barf!
(audience laughing)
- I gypped myself, huh?
- You sure did.
You don't wanna
waste being sick.
It's kinda like legal hooky.
(audience laughing)
- I never thought
of that before.
- Sam, listen.
Colds, sore throats, toothaches.
Those are just a
few of the things
God gives us kids
to help break up
the monotony of education.
(audience laughing)
- That's darn nice of Him.
You know, this is
the fourth sore throat
I got this term.
I guess God likes
me a whole lot.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, He does.
Besides, He's probably
trying to make up
for sticking you with
all those freckles.
Come on, you better
get back to bed.
- I sure hope Dr. Glassman
doesn't come over again.
Every time I see him
he sticks a needle in me
and says, now that
wasn't so bad, was it?
And then he does
that silly giggle.
Na-na-na-na.
(audience laughing)
- Now, that wasn't
so bad, was it?
(laughing)
- Well, how do things
look, Dr. Glassman?
- Well, I'm not gonna
pull any punches.
Sam, I'm gonna have
to put you in the hospital
and take your
tonsils out right away.
- Hospital?
No, no, no, no!
(audience laughing)
- I thought you didn't
take out tonsils anymore.
- Normally we don't
but Sam is chronic
and they're blocking
his air passage.
- Well, then we have no choice.
We'll have a
little talk with him.
- I'll reserve a bed for
him in a couple of days,
his inflammation
will be down by then.
I'll show myself out.
(laughing)
- Make him stop giggling!
- Now, Sam.
Listen, you're a big boy now
and there is nothing
to be afraid of.
- I think you're talking
to the wrong end.
The part that
listens is down there.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, right.
Now, listen, Sam.
You know that we all love you,
and we would not let
anything bad happen to you.
(muffled yelling)
- What, hon?
(muffled yelling)
- Did you understand
what he said?
- He said...
(muffled yelling)
- Oh.
- That means he's
running out of air.
- Oh!
Sam, you alright, son?
- Yes, Mr.D.
But I don't wanna
go to the hospital!
I hate 'em!
- Now, Sam.
Have you ever
been to the hospital?
- Yes.
I was born in one and
I don't wanna go back!
(audience laughing)
Mama, I can't go.
I'm too busy.
- Now, Sam.
- There's my Cub
Scouts and school,
and Cub Scouts, and uh, uh...
Homework!
You need tonsils to do homework.
(audience laughing)
Did I mention Cub Scouts?
- Did he mention Cub Scouts?
- Yeah, he mentioned Cub Scouts.
- Good, because the
Cub Scouts are important.
- The Cub Scouts don't
want a sick little boy.
They want you
strong and healthy.
- That's right, Sam.
No little old lady
is gonna let herself
be helped across
the street by a kid
that's sicker than she is.
(audience laughing)
- It doesn't matter, Mr. D,
'cause I'm not allowed to
cross the street anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, well, listen, Sam.
I think maybe I
forgot to tell you
how much fun it's
gonna be in the hospital.
- Fun?
- Sure!
You'll be in there with
a lot of kids your age.
It'll be like one big party,
with piles of ice
cream and everything.
- Party?
Ice cream?
- Mm-hmm.
- Really?
Mr. D, you wouldn't
pull a little guy's leg now,
would you?
(audience laughing)
- Cross my heart
and hope to die.
My hair.
- Okay, I guess I'll go.
- Good boy.
- Sam, you are
one brave soldier.
- Thanks, Mom.
Would you hate
me if I went AWOL?
(audience laughing)
- Sam, be sure and
pack your toothbrush!
- [Sam] I will, Mama!
- Maggie, I just
want you to know,
I'm praying that Sam makes it.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Pearl,
it's only tonsils.
- Maggie, there's no
such thing as only tonsils.
I know all about medicine.
I watched four years
of General Hospital.
(audience laughing)
Here, I sterilized his
slippers in the microwave.
(audience laughing)
- Why, thank you, Pearl.
- Those hospital
slippers slide right off
and you end up walking
on your bare heels.
- Yeah, but they're not
as bad as a hospital gown
that ties in the back.
You have to walk
real fast to stay in it.
(laughing)
- Hi, dear.
- Well, hi, dear, yourself.
Why are you limping?
- Limping?
Who, me?
(audience laughing)
I didn't think you'd notice it.
- Philip Drummond,
what happened?
- Well, I was playing
tennis this morning
with Dr. Drysdale,
he hit a lucky shot.
I went one way and
my knee went the other.
(audience laughing)
- Knees, throats, tonsils!
It's an epidemic!
- Pearl, would you get
me an icepack, please?
- Sure, Mr. Drummond.
It'll just take me
a minute to run it
through the microwave.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks, Pearl.
- Well, did the doctor
look at your knee?
- Yeah, we went
back to his office
and he took a few x-rays.
- And?
- And nothing.
See, I can walk.
(audience laughing)
- How serious is the nothing?
- Just a little cartilage
damage, nothing serious.
- How nothing serious?
- Alright.
He wants me to
go into the hospital
and have surgery.
- My stars and garters.
(audience laughing)
When do you have to go?
- Never.
I am not going,
not on your life.
(audience laughing)
- Why not?
- Well, a lot of good reasons.
I'm too busy, I
haven't got time.
I've got a lot of
important things going on
down at the office.
Board meetings, a lot
of big board meetings.
- And don't forget
your Cub Scouts.
- That's right, Cub Scouts.
(audience laughing)
What is that supposed to mean?
- I think you're afraid.
- Look, Maggie,
I hate hospitals.
They scare me to death.
Ever since I was little.
I visited one once,
it was like a prison.
All the nurses looked
like George Raft.
(audience laughing)
- Phil, I can understand
why you're afraid,
but Dr. Drysdale is
a wonderful surgeon.
- Oh, sure, what if
he has an off day?
Supposing he sends
in somebody else,
you never know who
is behind those masks.
(audience laughing)
- Philip, I want you
to stop this nonsense
and take care of yourself.
- Maggie, dear,
I love you dearly,
I would do anything
in the world for you.
Except go into the hospital.
- Mama, if Mr. D won't
go, then I won't go!
(audience groaning)
(audience applauding)
- Now, Sam, don't unpack.
- Why did you have to lie to me
about the hospital, Mr. D?
- Well, see, that was
for your own good.
- I don't get it.
Every time a grownup
says it's for your own good,
it either tastes bad,
it's something to read,
or it's gonna hurt.
(audience laughing)
- Maggie told me
what happened, Dad.
Smooth.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, I'm not
going to the hospital
if he's not.
- Now, Sam.
Your operation is much,
much more important than mine.
- Why?
- Well, I don't have to
breathe through my knee.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I've kept
my mouth shut so far,
but you guys are
really being silly.
Listen, Dad, maybe
you should sit down.
Now, I know a hospital
is no bed of roses,
but there's no
reason to be scared.
I mean, you must remember
that I've been there.
I've been under the knife.
I had the big A.
- Amputation?
(audience laughing)
- No, Sam.
Appendix.
They don't call me
Mr. Guts for nothing.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Guts?
The way I remember it
you snuck out of the hospital
and ran away.
- I didn't exactly run away.
I was just stretching
my legs a little.
- Yeah, you stretched
your legs all the way
back to our apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, so I
was a little scared.
But once I went through with it,
it wasn't so bad.
- Forget it, Arnold.
I'm still afraid.
- Sam.
Will you stop acting
like such a kid?
- But I am a kid!
- Dad, you're still not
that afraid, are you?
- Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
- What a pair of wimps.
What are you guys scared of?
- Lots of things.
For instance, will
I look the same
without my tonsils?
- Hopefully better.
(audience laughing)
- Sam.
You'll look just the same.
- Sam, you need this operation.
If you don't do it for yourself,
will you please do it for me?
- For you?
- Yeah.
That throat makes you
sound like a foghorn.
There are some nights
I think I'm sleeping
in the Panama Canal.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe you're right.
My throat sure does feel crummy.
- And that is exactly
why you should
go to the hospital and
have it taken care of.
- And so should you, Dad.
- Why?
My knee doesn't
sound like a foghorn.
(audience laughing)
- Dad.
That knee will just get worse.
And your tennis game
is already bad enough.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Howard Cosell.
But boy, it really does hurt.
- Now are you two gonna grow up
and go to the hospital?
- Well, what do you say, Sam?
- My tonsils will go
if your knee will go.
(audience laughing)
- Fair enough,
my knees are packing their bags.
(sighing)
- Gosh, I'm good.
(audience laughing)
- Now you see, Sam, look
at all these nice people.
- Right, there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.
- Then how come
your hand is all sweaty?
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm excited,
for the big adventure
this is gonna be.
And when I get excited I sweat.
- My, Philip, you're
as excited as a pig.
(audience laughing)
- Is that what I'm gonna
look like when it's over?
- No, Sam, you're
gonna look great.
Like Tom Selleck.
- You mean I'll wake
up with a mustache?
(audience laughing)
- If you do, I'll
buy you a razor.
- And remember, son.
Mr. D got permission to stay
in the same room with you.
- You bet.
You and I are gonna be
like the two musketeers.
- Sounds good, Mr. D,
but I'm still not sharing
my ice cream with you.
- Oh, no problem,
there'll be plenty to go around.
Hey, this is gonna
be like having
your tonsils out
in Baskin Robbins!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, look at this great room!
- Honey, this isn't a room,
this is more like Disneyland.
But where is Goofy?
Oink, oink!
(silly laughing)
(audience laughing)
Isn't this fun, Sam?
- Yeah, fun.
Excuse me, I gotta
go to the bathroom.
- You know, Maggie.
I should've had this
operation a long time ago.
I'm glad we're doing it.
- Philip, I'm proud of you.
You're taking all this so well.
- Yeah, I know I am.
I'm...
Maggie, don't let
'em cut me open!
(audience laughing)
- Shh!
Sam will hear you.
- But you don't understand.
I'm even afraid of Q-tips!
(audience laughing)
- Philip, stop being ridiculous.
- Okay, you're
right, you're right.
I gotta pull myself together.
- [Switchboard
Operator] Dr. Palmer,
report to surgery.
- Where's my pants?
I gotta get outta here!
- You'll do no such thing.
Now you get right in this bed.
- Hey, mac, you wanna pipe down?
I'm trying to listen
to the ballgame.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry.
- I'm Morty, who are you?
- You can call me Mr. Drummond.
- Whatcha in for, Drummond?
(audience laughing)
- I'm going to have an
operation on my knee.
- That's what my
father said when
he went in for his vasectomy.
(audience laughing)
- What are you in for?
- Tonsils.
- Our son is gonna
have his tonsils out, too.
- Yeah, I had mine
out a couple days ago.
If you look close, you
can see the stumps.
Ah!
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's a killer operation.
- Please don't say anything
about that to our son.
He is a little nervous.
- Chicken, huh?
Well, I guess we know
whose side of the family
he takes after.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Can you imagine that?
They should've given that
kid a personality transplant.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Maggie.
You gotta get me outta here.
I mean, this is not right.
I'm rich, I could have
somebody doctor up my x-rays!
(audience laughing)
- Philip, if you don't stop,
I'm gonna get Morty
to talk to you again.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, there, roomie!
- Hey, they got monkey
bars around the toilets
so you can hang
upside down when you
go to the bathroom!
(audience laughing)
- You get on in
the bed now, Sam.
Philip, I'm gonna
go finish filling out
all those forms.
I'll be right down the hall.
- Hey, she's got a
nice pair of wheels.
(audience laughing)
- You stop looking
at her wheels.
- Well, Mr. D, here we are.
- Right, Sam.
Here we are.
- When do you think
the party is gonna start?
- Party?
Oh, right, the party.
Well, we'll have
our little party
after we've had our
operations, Sam.
- Sounds great.
- Sure, we'll hang
up a few balloons
and maybe watch
a little television.
- Hold it, Mr. Rogers.
(audience laughing)
I was here before you guys
and I control
the TV set, got it?
We watch what I wanna watch.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. D likes to watch the news.
- He wants news,
let him buy a paper.
- Who's he?
- I don't know, but I'll bet
there's a bounty on him.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hi, kids, time for medication!
(audience laughing)
My, we're a big one, aren't we?
(audience laughing)
- Well, my son and I are
both gonna have operations.
- Now, that's what
I call a close family.
(audience laughing)
Oh, now it's
time to take a pill.
Hey, I'm Dr. Jolly.
Will ya take it from me?
Come on, big guy, make a tunnel!
- Okay!
- Choo choo choo!
Oh, num num!
Oh, good boy.
- [Audience Members] Ah!
- And now it's your turn.
(audience laughing)
- No, thanks, I'm
not very keen on pills.
- [Nurse] Choo choo choo.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not gonna
do it for Dr. Jolly.
(audience laughing)
- You're not?
Oh.
Well, I guess it's just gonna
have to be an
injection. (laughing)
- What?
- Oh, there!
Now, wash Mr. Pill down
to your tummy wummy
and you'll be in
dreamland pronto.
(audience laughing)
Oh, good boy!
Dr. Drysdale wants
your temperature taken.
- Okay, fine.
(giggling)
- That's not the way
that we take temperatures
in the children's ward.
(audience laughing)
- You don't mean...
- Yep yep yep yep yep.
- Nope nope nope nope nope!
(audience laughing)
Not on your life.
This is all I'm gonna open.
- Alright.
But cooperation is very
important to remember
as we grow older.
Right, Dr. Jolly?
Right, Nurse Fleming!
Remember, hospitals are neat,
but things go better
when we cooperate.
(laughing) Ah, cooperate!
They rhyme!
(audience laughing)
Get it?
- Got it.
- Good.
Well, it's time to check
your temperature.
Oh, good, you're normal.
- Well, that makes one of us.
(audience laughing)
- I think that was a cheap
slam on us, Dr. Jolly.
Yes, it was.
We'll just have to
come in here later
when he's asleep
and then we'll...
(audience laughing)
Shame, Dr. Jolly!
We'd never get away with that.
Just a thought.
Well, pleasant dreams.
- I just heard a bulletin.
There's an escaped crazy
lady dressed as a nurse
with a puppet on her hand!
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Gotcha! (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- They said they've given
you some medication.
- That's right, but it
doesn't seem to be working.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Philip,
you look as happy as
a bullfrog on a lily pad.
- You say the sweetest things.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Drummond,
you'll have to leave now.
These gentlemen
are gonna take them
to the fix-it room.
(audience laughing)
- Just a moment.
Sam, precious?
- Yes, Mama?
- When you come
back, your tonsils
won't bother you
anymore, alright?
- Yes, Mama.
- And you, you're gonna
be up and playing tennis
before you know it, tiger.
(growling)
(audience laughing)
- Well, Sam.
- Well, Mr. D.
- Let's show 'em
what we're made of.
- [Audience Members] Ah!
How does this look?
- That's good, Philip.
You're doing just fine.
- Hey, you'll be chasing Maggie
around the house in no time!
(audience laughing)
- Thanks for the vote
of confidence, Arnold,
but I think I better sit down
and have a little rest.
- Don't you worry.
You'll be off those
before you know it.
- I don't know, I'm
getting to kinda like 'em.
I can turn the TV
on without getting
off the couch.
(audience laughing)
- How's your throat, darling?
- It's getting better
every day, Mama.
- Oh, Sam.
I can't wait for you
to start talking again.
- Thanks, Arnold.
- I miss telling you to shut up.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, I really
have to hand it to you.
You were right.
Being in the hospital
wasn't so bad.
But the next time I go in,
I am gonna go quietly.
- Me, too.
Arnold, I'm really glad
you talked me into going
'cause I learned
something real important.
- That you like hospitals?
- No, that Mom's got
a great set of wheels.
- Oh! (audience laughing)
They're called legs.
But thank you.
- Hey, my tonsils won't
grow back, will they?
(laughing)
- No, Sam.
Tonsils are like Dad's hairline.
Once it's gone, it's gone.
(audience laughing)
- That's right, and that
works with allowance.
Once it's gone, it's gone.
(audience laughing)
- Well, now that you're
both feeling better,
here's a little
present I got for you
from the hospital gift shop.
Come on, big guys.
Make a tunnel!
Choo choo choo choo!
(audience laughing)
- He's back, he's back!
(audience applauding)
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to rule the world ♪
♪ Mmmm ♪
(electronic fanfare)
move to the beat ♪
♪ Of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪
♪ So what they'll have theirs ♪
♪ You'll have yours
and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it takes
different strokes ♪
♪ To move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
- Let me feel your
forehead again, baby.
You're still running
a little temperature.
How's your throat feel
- It's all warm and scratchy.
Kinda like I
swallowed a sweater.
(audience laughing)
- Here, let's get
your jammies on.
- I thought I heard
someone up here.
How come you're
home so early, Maggie?
- Sam's got himself
a sore throat.
The school called
me at the studio
to come pick him up.
- Oh, I hope it's not
another case of tonsillitis.
- So do I.
- Poor little Sam, suffering so.
All swollen throat
and sore glands.
Ah, the pain, the
misery, the agony!
(gasping) (audience laughing)
- I don't feel that bad, Pearl.
- Yes, you do.
Oh, he's brave for
someone so short.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to fix some hot
tea with lemon and honey.
- Sam will like that very much.
- Oh, then I'll fix
him a cup, too.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I feel
worse than that time
when I was little and I ate
Uncle Carl's chewing tobacco.
- Well, don't you worry, baby.
Uncle Carl is not gonna
yell at you this time.
- I know, I
remember his funeral.
(audience laughing)
How come I keep
getting sore throats
all the time, Mama?
- I don't know, honey.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Glassman right now.
- You mean Dr. Glassman
with the needles?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, Mama, I'm
starting to feel a lot better!
(audience laughing)
- I'll be sure to tell him.
(audience laughing)
- Darn throat.
- Hey, Sam.
Pearl told me you got sent home
with another sore throat.
- Yeah, I tried to stop it.
I even got up early this
morning and gargled.
- I know.
It sounded like Pearl
had another spoon
caught in the garbage disposal.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry, Arnold.
- Hey, look at this way, Sam.
At least you got
out of school early.
- Yeah, I got sent
home a half hour early.
- Only a half hour?
Sam, look.
Let me explain something to you.
When you're sick,
let 'em know fast.
Right after they
take attendance, barf!
(audience laughing)
- I gypped myself, huh?
- You sure did.
You don't wanna
waste being sick.
It's kinda like legal hooky.
(audience laughing)
- I never thought
of that before.
- Sam, listen.
Colds, sore throats, toothaches.
Those are just a
few of the things
God gives us kids
to help break up
the monotony of education.
(audience laughing)
- That's darn nice of Him.
You know, this is
the fourth sore throat
I got this term.
I guess God likes
me a whole lot.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, He does.
Besides, He's probably
trying to make up
for sticking you with
all those freckles.
Come on, you better
get back to bed.
- I sure hope Dr. Glassman
doesn't come over again.
Every time I see him
he sticks a needle in me
and says, now that
wasn't so bad, was it?
And then he does
that silly giggle.
Na-na-na-na.
(audience laughing)
- Now, that wasn't
so bad, was it?
(laughing)
- Well, how do things
look, Dr. Glassman?
- Well, I'm not gonna
pull any punches.
Sam, I'm gonna have
to put you in the hospital
and take your
tonsils out right away.
- Hospital?
No, no, no, no!
(audience laughing)
- I thought you didn't
take out tonsils anymore.
- Normally we don't
but Sam is chronic
and they're blocking
his air passage.
- Well, then we have no choice.
We'll have a
little talk with him.
- I'll reserve a bed for
him in a couple of days,
his inflammation
will be down by then.
I'll show myself out.
(laughing)
- Make him stop giggling!
- Now, Sam.
Listen, you're a big boy now
and there is nothing
to be afraid of.
- I think you're talking
to the wrong end.
The part that
listens is down there.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, right.
Now, listen, Sam.
You know that we all love you,
and we would not let
anything bad happen to you.
(muffled yelling)
- What, hon?
(muffled yelling)
- Did you understand
what he said?
- He said...
(muffled yelling)
- Oh.
- That means he's
running out of air.
- Oh!
Sam, you alright, son?
- Yes, Mr.D.
But I don't wanna
go to the hospital!
I hate 'em!
- Now, Sam.
Have you ever
been to the hospital?
- Yes.
I was born in one and
I don't wanna go back!
(audience laughing)
Mama, I can't go.
I'm too busy.
- Now, Sam.
- There's my Cub
Scouts and school,
and Cub Scouts, and uh, uh...
Homework!
You need tonsils to do homework.
(audience laughing)
Did I mention Cub Scouts?
- Did he mention Cub Scouts?
- Yeah, he mentioned Cub Scouts.
- Good, because the
Cub Scouts are important.
- The Cub Scouts don't
want a sick little boy.
They want you
strong and healthy.
- That's right, Sam.
No little old lady
is gonna let herself
be helped across
the street by a kid
that's sicker than she is.
(audience laughing)
- It doesn't matter, Mr. D,
'cause I'm not allowed to
cross the street anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, well, listen, Sam.
I think maybe I
forgot to tell you
how much fun it's
gonna be in the hospital.
- Fun?
- Sure!
You'll be in there with
a lot of kids your age.
It'll be like one big party,
with piles of ice
cream and everything.
- Party?
Ice cream?
- Mm-hmm.
- Really?
Mr. D, you wouldn't
pull a little guy's leg now,
would you?
(audience laughing)
- Cross my heart
and hope to die.
My hair.
- Okay, I guess I'll go.
- Good boy.
- Sam, you are
one brave soldier.
- Thanks, Mom.
Would you hate
me if I went AWOL?
(audience laughing)
- Sam, be sure and
pack your toothbrush!
- [Sam] I will, Mama!
- Maggie, I just
want you to know,
I'm praying that Sam makes it.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Pearl,
it's only tonsils.
- Maggie, there's no
such thing as only tonsils.
I know all about medicine.
I watched four years
of General Hospital.
(audience laughing)
Here, I sterilized his
slippers in the microwave.
(audience laughing)
- Why, thank you, Pearl.
- Those hospital
slippers slide right off
and you end up walking
on your bare heels.
- Yeah, but they're not
as bad as a hospital gown
that ties in the back.
You have to walk
real fast to stay in it.
(laughing)
- Hi, dear.
- Well, hi, dear, yourself.
Why are you limping?
- Limping?
Who, me?
(audience laughing)
I didn't think you'd notice it.
- Philip Drummond,
what happened?
- Well, I was playing
tennis this morning
with Dr. Drysdale,
he hit a lucky shot.
I went one way and
my knee went the other.
(audience laughing)
- Knees, throats, tonsils!
It's an epidemic!
- Pearl, would you get
me an icepack, please?
- Sure, Mr. Drummond.
It'll just take me
a minute to run it
through the microwave.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks, Pearl.
- Well, did the doctor
look at your knee?
- Yeah, we went
back to his office
and he took a few x-rays.
- And?
- And nothing.
See, I can walk.
(audience laughing)
- How serious is the nothing?
- Just a little cartilage
damage, nothing serious.
- How nothing serious?
- Alright.
He wants me to
go into the hospital
and have surgery.
- My stars and garters.
(audience laughing)
When do you have to go?
- Never.
I am not going,
not on your life.
(audience laughing)
- Why not?
- Well, a lot of good reasons.
I'm too busy, I
haven't got time.
I've got a lot of
important things going on
down at the office.
Board meetings, a lot
of big board meetings.
- And don't forget
your Cub Scouts.
- That's right, Cub Scouts.
(audience laughing)
What is that supposed to mean?
- I think you're afraid.
- Look, Maggie,
I hate hospitals.
They scare me to death.
Ever since I was little.
I visited one once,
it was like a prison.
All the nurses looked
like George Raft.
(audience laughing)
- Phil, I can understand
why you're afraid,
but Dr. Drysdale is
a wonderful surgeon.
- Oh, sure, what if
he has an off day?
Supposing he sends
in somebody else,
you never know who
is behind those masks.
(audience laughing)
- Philip, I want you
to stop this nonsense
and take care of yourself.
- Maggie, dear,
I love you dearly,
I would do anything
in the world for you.
Except go into the hospital.
- Mama, if Mr. D won't
go, then I won't go!
(audience groaning)
(audience applauding)
- Now, Sam, don't unpack.
- Why did you have to lie to me
about the hospital, Mr. D?
- Well, see, that was
for your own good.
- I don't get it.
Every time a grownup
says it's for your own good,
it either tastes bad,
it's something to read,
or it's gonna hurt.
(audience laughing)
- Maggie told me
what happened, Dad.
Smooth.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, I'm not
going to the hospital
if he's not.
- Now, Sam.
Your operation is much,
much more important than mine.
- Why?
- Well, I don't have to
breathe through my knee.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I've kept
my mouth shut so far,
but you guys are
really being silly.
Listen, Dad, maybe
you should sit down.
Now, I know a hospital
is no bed of roses,
but there's no
reason to be scared.
I mean, you must remember
that I've been there.
I've been under the knife.
I had the big A.
- Amputation?
(audience laughing)
- No, Sam.
Appendix.
They don't call me
Mr. Guts for nothing.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Guts?
The way I remember it
you snuck out of the hospital
and ran away.
- I didn't exactly run away.
I was just stretching
my legs a little.
- Yeah, you stretched
your legs all the way
back to our apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, so I
was a little scared.
But once I went through with it,
it wasn't so bad.
- Forget it, Arnold.
I'm still afraid.
- Sam.
Will you stop acting
like such a kid?
- But I am a kid!
- Dad, you're still not
that afraid, are you?
- Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
- What a pair of wimps.
What are you guys scared of?
- Lots of things.
For instance, will
I look the same
without my tonsils?
- Hopefully better.
(audience laughing)
- Sam.
You'll look just the same.
- Sam, you need this operation.
If you don't do it for yourself,
will you please do it for me?
- For you?
- Yeah.
That throat makes you
sound like a foghorn.
There are some nights
I think I'm sleeping
in the Panama Canal.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe you're right.
My throat sure does feel crummy.
- And that is exactly
why you should
go to the hospital and
have it taken care of.
- And so should you, Dad.
- Why?
My knee doesn't
sound like a foghorn.
(audience laughing)
- Dad.
That knee will just get worse.
And your tennis game
is already bad enough.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Howard Cosell.
But boy, it really does hurt.
- Now are you two gonna grow up
and go to the hospital?
- Well, what do you say, Sam?
- My tonsils will go
if your knee will go.
(audience laughing)
- Fair enough,
my knees are packing their bags.
(sighing)
- Gosh, I'm good.
(audience laughing)
- Now you see, Sam, look
at all these nice people.
- Right, there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.
- Then how come
your hand is all sweaty?
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm excited,
for the big adventure
this is gonna be.
And when I get excited I sweat.
- My, Philip, you're
as excited as a pig.
(audience laughing)
- Is that what I'm gonna
look like when it's over?
- No, Sam, you're
gonna look great.
Like Tom Selleck.
- You mean I'll wake
up with a mustache?
(audience laughing)
- If you do, I'll
buy you a razor.
- And remember, son.
Mr. D got permission to stay
in the same room with you.
- You bet.
You and I are gonna be
like the two musketeers.
- Sounds good, Mr. D,
but I'm still not sharing
my ice cream with you.
- Oh, no problem,
there'll be plenty to go around.
Hey, this is gonna
be like having
your tonsils out
in Baskin Robbins!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, look at this great room!
- Honey, this isn't a room,
this is more like Disneyland.
But where is Goofy?
Oink, oink!
(silly laughing)
(audience laughing)
Isn't this fun, Sam?
- Yeah, fun.
Excuse me, I gotta
go to the bathroom.
- You know, Maggie.
I should've had this
operation a long time ago.
I'm glad we're doing it.
- Philip, I'm proud of you.
You're taking all this so well.
- Yeah, I know I am.
I'm...
Maggie, don't let
'em cut me open!
(audience laughing)
- Shh!
Sam will hear you.
- But you don't understand.
I'm even afraid of Q-tips!
(audience laughing)
- Philip, stop being ridiculous.
- Okay, you're
right, you're right.
I gotta pull myself together.
- [Switchboard
Operator] Dr. Palmer,
report to surgery.
- Where's my pants?
I gotta get outta here!
- You'll do no such thing.
Now you get right in this bed.
- Hey, mac, you wanna pipe down?
I'm trying to listen
to the ballgame.
(audience laughing)
- Sorry.
- I'm Morty, who are you?
- You can call me Mr. Drummond.
- Whatcha in for, Drummond?
(audience laughing)
- I'm going to have an
operation on my knee.
- That's what my
father said when
he went in for his vasectomy.
(audience laughing)
- What are you in for?
- Tonsils.
- Our son is gonna
have his tonsils out, too.
- Yeah, I had mine
out a couple days ago.
If you look close, you
can see the stumps.
Ah!
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's a killer operation.
- Please don't say anything
about that to our son.
He is a little nervous.
- Chicken, huh?
Well, I guess we know
whose side of the family
he takes after.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Can you imagine that?
They should've given that
kid a personality transplant.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Maggie.
You gotta get me outta here.
I mean, this is not right.
I'm rich, I could have
somebody doctor up my x-rays!
(audience laughing)
- Philip, if you don't stop,
I'm gonna get Morty
to talk to you again.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, there, roomie!
- Hey, they got monkey
bars around the toilets
so you can hang
upside down when you
go to the bathroom!
(audience laughing)
- You get on in
the bed now, Sam.
Philip, I'm gonna
go finish filling out
all those forms.
I'll be right down the hall.
- Hey, she's got a
nice pair of wheels.
(audience laughing)
- You stop looking
at her wheels.
- Well, Mr. D, here we are.
- Right, Sam.
Here we are.
- When do you think
the party is gonna start?
- Party?
Oh, right, the party.
Well, we'll have
our little party
after we've had our
operations, Sam.
- Sounds great.
- Sure, we'll hang
up a few balloons
and maybe watch
a little television.
- Hold it, Mr. Rogers.
(audience laughing)
I was here before you guys
and I control
the TV set, got it?
We watch what I wanna watch.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. D likes to watch the news.
- He wants news,
let him buy a paper.
- Who's he?
- I don't know, but I'll bet
there's a bounty on him.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hi, kids, time for medication!
(audience laughing)
My, we're a big one, aren't we?
(audience laughing)
- Well, my son and I are
both gonna have operations.
- Now, that's what
I call a close family.
(audience laughing)
Oh, now it's
time to take a pill.
Hey, I'm Dr. Jolly.
Will ya take it from me?
Come on, big guy, make a tunnel!
- Okay!
- Choo choo choo!
Oh, num num!
Oh, good boy.
- [Audience Members] Ah!
- And now it's your turn.
(audience laughing)
- No, thanks, I'm
not very keen on pills.
- [Nurse] Choo choo choo.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not gonna
do it for Dr. Jolly.
(audience laughing)
- You're not?
Oh.
Well, I guess it's just gonna
have to be an
injection. (laughing)
- What?
- Oh, there!
Now, wash Mr. Pill down
to your tummy wummy
and you'll be in
dreamland pronto.
(audience laughing)
Oh, good boy!
Dr. Drysdale wants
your temperature taken.
- Okay, fine.
(giggling)
- That's not the way
that we take temperatures
in the children's ward.
(audience laughing)
- You don't mean...
- Yep yep yep yep yep.
- Nope nope nope nope nope!
(audience laughing)
Not on your life.
This is all I'm gonna open.
- Alright.
But cooperation is very
important to remember
as we grow older.
Right, Dr. Jolly?
Right, Nurse Fleming!
Remember, hospitals are neat,
but things go better
when we cooperate.
(laughing) Ah, cooperate!
They rhyme!
(audience laughing)
Get it?
- Got it.
- Good.
Well, it's time to check
your temperature.
Oh, good, you're normal.
- Well, that makes one of us.
(audience laughing)
- I think that was a cheap
slam on us, Dr. Jolly.
Yes, it was.
We'll just have to
come in here later
when he's asleep
and then we'll...
(audience laughing)
Shame, Dr. Jolly!
We'd never get away with that.
Just a thought.
Well, pleasant dreams.
- I just heard a bulletin.
There's an escaped crazy
lady dressed as a nurse
with a puppet on her hand!
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Gotcha! (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- They said they've given
you some medication.
- That's right, but it
doesn't seem to be working.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Philip,
you look as happy as
a bullfrog on a lily pad.
- You say the sweetest things.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Drummond,
you'll have to leave now.
These gentlemen
are gonna take them
to the fix-it room.
(audience laughing)
- Just a moment.
Sam, precious?
- Yes, Mama?
- When you come
back, your tonsils
won't bother you
anymore, alright?
- Yes, Mama.
- And you, you're gonna
be up and playing tennis
before you know it, tiger.
(growling)
(audience laughing)
- Well, Sam.
- Well, Mr. D.
- Let's show 'em
what we're made of.
- [Audience Members] Ah!
How does this look?
- That's good, Philip.
You're doing just fine.
- Hey, you'll be chasing Maggie
around the house in no time!
(audience laughing)
- Thanks for the vote
of confidence, Arnold,
but I think I better sit down
and have a little rest.
- Don't you worry.
You'll be off those
before you know it.
- I don't know, I'm
getting to kinda like 'em.
I can turn the TV
on without getting
off the couch.
(audience laughing)
- How's your throat, darling?
- It's getting better
every day, Mama.
- Oh, Sam.
I can't wait for you
to start talking again.
- Thanks, Arnold.
- I miss telling you to shut up.
(audience laughing)
- Arnold, I really
have to hand it to you.
You were right.
Being in the hospital
wasn't so bad.
But the next time I go in,
I am gonna go quietly.
- Me, too.
Arnold, I'm really glad
you talked me into going
'cause I learned
something real important.
- That you like hospitals?
- No, that Mom's got
a great set of wheels.
- Oh! (audience laughing)
They're called legs.
But thank you.
- Hey, my tonsils won't
grow back, will they?
(laughing)
- No, Sam.
Tonsils are like Dad's hairline.
Once it's gone, it's gone.
(audience laughing)
- That's right, and that
works with allowance.
Once it's gone, it's gone.
(audience laughing)
- Well, now that you're
both feeling better,
here's a little
present I got for you
from the hospital gift shop.
Come on, big guys.
Make a tunnel!
Choo choo choo choo!
(audience laughing)
- He's back, he's back!
(audience applauding)
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪
♪ Yes it does ♪
♪ It takes different
strokes to rule the world ♪
♪ Mmmm ♪
(electronic fanfare)