Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Lie - full transcript
Willis lies about his qualifications so that he can get a job at Arnold's carnival.
♪ Now the world don't move
♪ To the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for you
♪ May not be right for some
♪ A man is born
♪ He's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot so what
♪ They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ Cause it takes
Diff'rent Strokes
♪ To move the world
♪ Yes it does it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world
Bravo, bravo,
Pearl you're so graceful.
Oh I am not.
Do you really think so?
- Absolutely, I can
hear the applause now
as you leap through the air
and land in Baryshnikov's arms.
- And I can hear the groans
as they scrape
him off the stage.
- Hi-yay.
- Willis, what are
you doing here?
- I live here remember?
I'm the guy who
has to beat his way
through your
pantyhose every morning
to take a shower.
Check this out Pearl.
- I mean I thought
you were gonna start
working at Dad's office today.
- I was, but I had something
more important to do.
Like shopping.
- Boy Willis, when
Daddy finds out
he's really gonna
be bent out of shape.
- Well I needed a jacket.
- Well where'd
you get the money?
- I didn't need any,
I charged it to Dad.
Hey Pearl, check this
out, that's 100% cashmere.
- I think your brain's
100% foam rubber.
- Willis you just bought
a jacket a month ago.
You're adoring women haven't
even ripped the lapels off yet.
- Oh Pearl, I can't
wear that old thing.
It's totally out of style.
- Willis you've got a
very expensive habit.
- Oh well I'm supporting,
I'm workin' for Dad.
I'll pay him back.
- Oh by the way, your father
called, he was looking for you.
- Oh he was, well
I'll see him tonight,
or tomorrow, whenever.
- Hello, hello, hello
my fellow siblings.
- What are you so
happy about Arnold?
Did your school burn down?
- Better than that.
You're looking at the
guy who figured out a way
for his class to raise
money for field trips.
You're looking at the financial
wizard of the seventh grade.
- What's your plan
Eliot Janeway?
- Well, we're gonna
put on a carnival
after school for a whole week.
And we're gonna
run it ourselves,
so it's practically all profit.
- Hey that's a
great idea Arnold.
I guess when you
talk, people listen.
- That's right, the smart money
is bullish on Arnold Jackson.
Oh, by the way
Willis, I may be able
to throw some
bucks your way too.
- Oh yeah, how's that?
- The playground director needs
an assistant for the carnival.
- Oh no way Arnold, that's
like being a babysitter.
I got my sights set
higher than that.
I'm gonna be a junior
executive for Dad.
- Well excuse me.
- Gee Willis, I think you
hurt Arnold's feelings.
- Now why would I give
up a cushy deal with Dad
for some Mickey
Mouse playground job?
- Well you could have said it
with a little more
tact and sensitivity.
You dumb bozo.
- Hey Dad.
- Willis, where were you today?
- Oh, after school
Dad, I went and bought
this terrific
jacket, check it out
it's 100% cashmere...
- I mean
why weren't you at the office?
I had it all arranged
with everybody
for you to start
work there today.
- Oh well I figured it'd
be okay if I start tomorrow.
- Oh, you figured that did you?
- Dad, what's the big deal?
I'm sure your company can
survive one more day without me.
- The big deal is that you
said you would be there.
You made a commitment.
You didn't even think to call
and say that you
wouldn't be coming.
- I guess I forgot, sorry Dad.
- Sorry isn't enough Willis.
It's a question
of responsibility.
If you're saying you're
going to do something,
people need to know
that they can count on you.
- Dad, don't worry,
you can count on me
being in the office
tomorrow, I'm pretty sure.
- And I'm pretty sure
that you won't be there.
- Why not?
- Because you just lost the job
that you haven't started yet.
- Run that by me again.
- You heard me.
- Dad, aren't you blowing
this way out of proportion?
- No Willis, it's
time you realized
that what you do has
an affect on other people.
You can't live exclusively
in your own little world.
- Dad I need a job,
I've already spent
the money I'm going
to earn on this jacket.
Ah come on Dad, won't
you give me another chance?
- Sure I will, as soon as I
can see that you've changed.
- Man, what am I gonna do now?
I got it.
Hey Arnold.
- Close it Willis, I'm doing
some figuring for the carnival.
You think 7,000 hot
dogs oughta last a week?
- Well that depends on if you're
one of the guys who
will be eating them.
- Right, I forgot about
that, I better make it 8,000.
- Listen Arnold, since
you're my brother
and I know it
means a lot to you,
I've decided to take that
playground job after all.
- Oh, Dad fired you, huh?
So now you come crawling
back to me for that playground job.
- Now I wouldn't
exactly call it crawling.
- You're right, it's
more like groveling.
And I like that.
You do it very well.
- Well call it whatever
you want Arnold.
Listen, I need to make some
money, so I got the job right?
- Not so fast Willis.
First you have to fill
out this application.
- Now Arnold, you've
gotta be kidding.
- Have a seat young man.
- Come on, make this
fast, I don't have all day.
- Your name?
- Arnold.
- Not my name, your name.
- Willis.
- Willis what, Willis
Schwartz, Willis Kowalski?
Willis Jackson.
- Age?
- 17.
- Sex?
- Isn't that obvious.
- I'll just put not yet.
Any history of mental illness?
- No.
You coulda fooled me.
- Will you cut it with
these wisecracks
and let's get this over with?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Are you familiar with the
basic techniques of first aid?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Do you know how to
treat sprains and bruises?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you familiar with
cardiopulmonary resuscitation?
- You mean CPR, uh sure
yeah, sure, yeah I know that.
- You should, you have
enough practice giving
your girlfriend
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Are you finished?
- One more thing.
Do you have any
personal references?
- Yeah, you.
- Excellent, excellent.
Any friend of Arnold
Jackson is a friend of mine.
- So do I get the job?
- It's up to the
playground director.
All I can do is give you
a good recommendation.
However that
carries a lot of weight.
- So does the piano
that I'm gonna drop
on your head if I
don't get the job.
- I'll tell him you're truly
a wonderful human being.
Step right up, step right up.
For the low, low
price of 50 cents,
you can have the
pleasure of dunking a do-do.
How about you sir, don't be shy.
Douse a louse for your spouse.
Say, how 'bout you guys?
Come on, show some
spunk, dunk a punk.
- How you doin' bro?
- Not as good as you're doin'.
- Hey thanks again
for this job Arnold.
Man it has some fine fringe
benefits I hadn't counted on.
- Dudley, we've got to
drum up some business.
We haven't had one customer,
and I think I know why.
- Why?
- People feel sorry for you.
They don't wanna dunk you
because you look so pitiful.
- That's because I am pitiful.
- Look, here's what
I want you to do.
I want you to get
people mad enough
to throw baseballs at you.
Yell at 'em, call 'em
names, insult 'em.
Be obnoxious, you
know, just be yourself.
- But I'm not like that, I'm
just a sweet, lovable dude.
- Dudley, lovable has no
place in the dunk tank business.
We need mean, nasty and vicious.
- Okay, I'll try.
- Attaboy!
- Hi Arnold.
- Hi Dad.
- Wow, look who's here.
Three of the ugliest
people I've ever seen.
- Not to my family dummy.
Don't mind him, his
brain is waterlogged.
- How's it goin' Arnold,
you rakin' in the big bucks?
- We could do better,
wanna try your luck dad?
- Oh sure, how much?
- Well it's three balls for
$1, but since you're my dad,
I'll give you a special,
three balls for $5.
- Never do business
with a relative.
Anyway it's a good
cause, here we go.
- All right.
- Let's see what we
can do here gang.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Hold your breath Dudley.
Okay here we go.
- I was quite a pitcher
when I was in college.
As a matter of fact they
used to call me Cannonball.
- Come on Mr. Drummond,
you can do it.
- Looks like the old
Cannon's a little rusty.
- All right, let's see what
you can do wise person.
- Okay, hold onto
your trunks Dudley.
- Okay ready, set.
- Looks like the Cannonball
and the pea-shooter both missed.
- Well make way for big Bertha.
- Yeah.
Our ace in the whole now.
- Go Bertha go.
- Come on Pearl.
- Too bad.
- It's hard to throw straight
in a Cross Your Heart bra.
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
Since you drove all the
way in from Cincinnati,
I'm gonna give you a free ball.
- Nice, but I don't
think it'll help much.
- Yeah, you couldn't hit
the broad side of a
barn, Mr. Drummond.
Ooo.
- You'd probably do better
with your eyes closed.
- I never thought of that.
- Oh.
- Well, I guess we'll
go along home now son.
Good to see you Dudley.
Thanks for the pointer.
- Thanks for being
a big spender Dad.
- Sure okay.
- Bye, I'll see ya at home.
Don't go away folks,
we'll be right back.
We're just taking
a little break.
What, testing one,
two, three, testing.
Hey Willis, come here.
- What's the matter brother?
- This microphone isn't working.
- It's not?
- No.
- Let me see it.
Testing, testing.
Arnold, with your big
mouth, you don't need a mic.
- Sure I do Willis, I need it
to drum up business around here.
- All right, all right, listen,
I'll check the loudspeaker,
and you check behind the
amplifier for any loose wires.
Catch you girls later.
- Okay Will.
I'll just check back here.
Ah, Willis, I found
something loose.
It's this wire
right here, I'll just.
That's very funny Arnold.
- Arnold will you quit
clownin' around and get up?
Arnold.
Arnold, come on Arnold,
quit playing, enough's enough.
Oh no.
- Hey what's wrong Willis?
- He must of gotten a
shock, I don't feel his pulse.
He's not breathing.
- Well do something, give
him some of that CPR stuff.
- I don't know how.
Somebody help my brother,
somebody come on, help!
Arnold you gotta, come
on, I'm sorry Arnold!
- How do you feel now Arnold?
- Kinda weird.
- Well, you're
gonna be just fine.
You're as good as new, in
fact, you're better than new,
you've had your
batteries recharged.
I'll be going now Bill.
- Well thanks very much
for coming Dr. Kalsa.
I'll see you down.
- Bye thank you.
- Thank you Doctor.
- Bye-bye.
- Well we'll let you
rest now honey.
- Goodnight Arnold,
sleep well, I love you.
- I'm sure glad I've still got
you for a roommate Arnold.
- Yeah, me too.
This small fry was
almost a french fry.
Thanks for saving my life
Willis, you're the greatest.
- Well, you see Arnold.
- Willis, I'm so lucky you got
that playground job
instead of some dummy.
- Yeah, lucky.
- Good morning, Willis.
- Good morning, Dad.
Dad listen, there's
something I have to tell you.
- That you did not
save your brother's life.
- How'd you know?
- Well Dudley called
to ask about Arnold
and he told me what happened.
Willis I am astonished
that you could lie
and say that you knew
CPR when you didn't.
You knew some stranger
saved your brother's life.
How could you go on letting
us think that you were the hero?
I'm really very
disappointed in you Willis.
- Dad I feel awful, you
don't have to rub it in.
- I'll rub it in all right.
Your behavior was
totally irresponsible.
It was just lucky that fella
was there and knew what to do.
You darn near cost
your brother his life.
- I guess you're gonna tell
Arnold what really happened.
- No, I'm not.
- You're not?
- No, you are.
Oh
- Easy there Arnold.
- Don't touch me,
you might get a shock.
- Arnold, what are
you doing down here?
- He said he wanted
to rest on the sofa.
- My eyes are weak and we've
got a bigger TV set down here.
- Yeah, and if that doesn't
work, you can use my binoculars.
All right, come on down here.
- Okay, here you go Arnold.
- Just relax on the
couch, you'll be fine.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, I think
you're gonna live
honey, okay there you go.
- I'm not feeling well.
I think I might need my
electronic football game.
- Maybe you need your helmet
in case you fall off the couch.
- I'll go get your
game for you Arnold.
- Thanks Willis, you're the
best brother a guy ever had.
- Yeah.
- Could you please
move my pillow up a little?
- Sure.
- A little more.
- Down a little.
A little to the right.
- How would you
like it up your nose?
- It's just fine
right where it is.
- Good, I'm gonna go
get ready for school.
- I sure wish I could
go to school today.
- We know, we know,
you're a gutsy little guy.
- Hey, you think I
like being stuck here
watching TV and reading
comic books all day?
- It's all I can do in my
weakened condition.
- I may not be able to go
to school for a whole month.
- Well actually Arnold,
the doctor said that it would
be perfectly fine for
you to go to school today.
- What you talkin' about Dad?
- That's what the doctor said.
- Oh, oh.
Oh, I think I'm
having a relapse.
- Cool it Camille.
I'm gonna let you
stay home today,
but you'll be just
fine tomorrow.
- Here you go bro.
- I better go and get
ready to go to the office.
I'm sure you boys
have a lot to talk about.
- Man Willis, I'll never be
able to thank you enough.
If it weren't for you, this
morning I'd be having breakfast
under those big
golden arches in the sky.
- Nah.
- It's true, right
now I'd be splitting
an egg McMuffin
with the grim reaper.
- Arnold listen, there's
something I have to tell you.
- Okay, but I'm never
forgetting this Willis.
When I write my autobiography,
you're getting a
whole half a chapter.
- Arnold listen to me,
I didn't save your life.
- You mean I'm dead.
If this is heaven, what
are you doing here?
- No man I'm serious, some
stranger saved your life.
I couldn't help you
because I don't know CPR.
I lied about it because
I needed that job.
- You lied?
- Yeah, I feel awful
about it, I'm really sorry.
- Sorry, sorry, is
that all you can say?
- Arnold I'll do anything
to make it up to you.
Come on, please forgive me.
- No, no way, never, forget it.
Your selfish, rotten
and dishonest,
and I don't even want you
for my brother anymore.
Get outta here Willis.
- Arnold please.
- I said get out of here.
- Arnold I think maybe you were
a little too rough on
your brother just now.
- After what he did,
I let him off easy.
- There's no excuse
for what he did,
but he knows it's wrong,
I know he's suffering.
He apologized, what more
could you expect him to do?
- Well I can think of a
lot of things he can do.
And they're all very painful.
- Well I'm very sorry
to have called you
at this hour of the
night, but I just thought
perhaps Willis might be there.
Yeah, thanks very much.
I'll give him till 1:30, if
he's not here by then,
I'll call the police.
If he comes in before then,
he'll have to call an ambulance.
- Calm down Daddy, I'm
sure Willis has a good reason.
- After missing school
today, after staying out
this late tonight, he better
have a darn good reason,
like being hijacked to Cuba.
- Dad.
- Arnold, you're
supposed to be asleep.
- I know, but when I got
up to go to the bathroom,
Willis wasn't in bed.
Did something happen to him?
- No, no, no, he'll
be along soon.
Now look, why don't
you just go back to bed?
- You don't think he did
something awful to himself
because I said all those
bad thing to him, do you?
- Oh no honey,
I'm sure he didn't.
- Maybe he jumped off
the Empire State Building.
And now he's nothing but a
big, ugly splotch on 34th Street.
- Arnold that's disgusting.
- I hate to think of it,
but he might have dived
off the Brooklyn Bridge.
- Arnold.
- He could be floatin' belly
up in the river right now.
With his eyes bulging
out and tiny little fish
nibbling at the
hairs in his nose.
- Arnold that's ridiculous.
Fish don't eat hairs.
Willis!
- Hi.
- Willis, I'm so
glad you're okay.
I didn't mean all those
things I said before.
- Where the hell have you
been and why didn't you call?
- Well I went over to
Arnold's school to apologize
to the playground director
for lying to get the job.
He almost got fired
on account of me.
Then I went down to Red Cross
and signed up
for a class in CPR.
- Well you did the
right thing Willis.
I think it'd be a
good idea if we all
took that CPR
class along with you.
- Yeah you never know
when you might need it.
Which we found out the hard way.
- Yeah.
Well where have
you been since then?
I just couldn't face Arnold.
Wandering around
thinking about what he said.
So then I went to a late
movie and came home.
- A movie, you mean you
never tried to kill yourself?
- No.
- You didn't even
maim yourself a little?
- No.
- I'll settle for a bruise.
- Arnold that is not
a nice thing to say.
- I know, but it
came from the heart.
- Well as long as I know
you're all right Willis,
I'm gonna go to bed,
good night Daddy.
- Yeah I could use
some sleep too.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
- Something else
I have to tell you.
I promise from now on I'm
gonna be much more responsible.
- I'm sure you
will, goodnight son.
Goodnight Arnold.
- Goodnight Dad.
- Night Dad.
Hey listen Arnold.
Do you really forgive
me for what I did?
- Of course Willis,
everybody makes mistakes.
You just have to make
'em bigger than most people.
- Thanks Arnold.
- I do forgive you, but
only on one condition.
- What's that?
- I want you to do a
little something for me.
- Oh you just name
it and you got it.
What do you want me to do?
- All right, come on Arnold man.
Try your hardest, I
know you can't do it.
- Come on, throw that ball.
- Come on, you call that an arm.
Can't you put more
strength in it than that?
- Come on, give
him the old pitcheroo.
- Look at that, now you
missed by three feet.
Now come on Arnold,
you've got one ball left.
- Come on Arnold.
- Try it with your eyes
closed Arnold it worked for me.
- Come on Arnold.
- Go for it.
- Yay.
- Well you had your chance
bro, looks like you blew it.
- Yeah, I blew it, but I'll
tell you one thing Willis,
you kept your half of the
bargain, you were a good sport.
- That's right.
- And I'll tell you
something else Willis,
I'm not a good sport.
♪ Now the world don't move
♪ To the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for you
♪ May not be right for some
♪ A man is born
♪ He's a man of means
♪ Then along come two,
♪ They've got
nothing but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes it does it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world
♪ To the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for you
♪ May not be right for some
♪ A man is born
♪ He's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothing
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot so what
♪ They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ Cause it takes
Diff'rent Strokes
♪ To move the world
♪ Yes it does it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world
Bravo, bravo,
Pearl you're so graceful.
Oh I am not.
Do you really think so?
- Absolutely, I can
hear the applause now
as you leap through the air
and land in Baryshnikov's arms.
- And I can hear the groans
as they scrape
him off the stage.
- Hi-yay.
- Willis, what are
you doing here?
- I live here remember?
I'm the guy who
has to beat his way
through your
pantyhose every morning
to take a shower.
Check this out Pearl.
- I mean I thought
you were gonna start
working at Dad's office today.
- I was, but I had something
more important to do.
Like shopping.
- Boy Willis, when
Daddy finds out
he's really gonna
be bent out of shape.
- Well I needed a jacket.
- Well where'd
you get the money?
- I didn't need any,
I charged it to Dad.
Hey Pearl, check this
out, that's 100% cashmere.
- I think your brain's
100% foam rubber.
- Willis you just bought
a jacket a month ago.
You're adoring women haven't
even ripped the lapels off yet.
- Oh Pearl, I can't
wear that old thing.
It's totally out of style.
- Willis you've got a
very expensive habit.
- Oh well I'm supporting,
I'm workin' for Dad.
I'll pay him back.
- Oh by the way, your father
called, he was looking for you.
- Oh he was, well
I'll see him tonight,
or tomorrow, whenever.
- Hello, hello, hello
my fellow siblings.
- What are you so
happy about Arnold?
Did your school burn down?
- Better than that.
You're looking at the
guy who figured out a way
for his class to raise
money for field trips.
You're looking at the financial
wizard of the seventh grade.
- What's your plan
Eliot Janeway?
- Well, we're gonna
put on a carnival
after school for a whole week.
And we're gonna
run it ourselves,
so it's practically all profit.
- Hey that's a
great idea Arnold.
I guess when you
talk, people listen.
- That's right, the smart money
is bullish on Arnold Jackson.
Oh, by the way
Willis, I may be able
to throw some
bucks your way too.
- Oh yeah, how's that?
- The playground director needs
an assistant for the carnival.
- Oh no way Arnold, that's
like being a babysitter.
I got my sights set
higher than that.
I'm gonna be a junior
executive for Dad.
- Well excuse me.
- Gee Willis, I think you
hurt Arnold's feelings.
- Now why would I give
up a cushy deal with Dad
for some Mickey
Mouse playground job?
- Well you could have said it
with a little more
tact and sensitivity.
You dumb bozo.
- Hey Dad.
- Willis, where were you today?
- Oh, after school
Dad, I went and bought
this terrific
jacket, check it out
it's 100% cashmere...
- I mean
why weren't you at the office?
I had it all arranged
with everybody
for you to start
work there today.
- Oh well I figured it'd
be okay if I start tomorrow.
- Oh, you figured that did you?
- Dad, what's the big deal?
I'm sure your company can
survive one more day without me.
- The big deal is that you
said you would be there.
You made a commitment.
You didn't even think to call
and say that you
wouldn't be coming.
- I guess I forgot, sorry Dad.
- Sorry isn't enough Willis.
It's a question
of responsibility.
If you're saying you're
going to do something,
people need to know
that they can count on you.
- Dad, don't worry,
you can count on me
being in the office
tomorrow, I'm pretty sure.
- And I'm pretty sure
that you won't be there.
- Why not?
- Because you just lost the job
that you haven't started yet.
- Run that by me again.
- You heard me.
- Dad, aren't you blowing
this way out of proportion?
- No Willis, it's
time you realized
that what you do has
an affect on other people.
You can't live exclusively
in your own little world.
- Dad I need a job,
I've already spent
the money I'm going
to earn on this jacket.
Ah come on Dad, won't
you give me another chance?
- Sure I will, as soon as I
can see that you've changed.
- Man, what am I gonna do now?
I got it.
Hey Arnold.
- Close it Willis, I'm doing
some figuring for the carnival.
You think 7,000 hot
dogs oughta last a week?
- Well that depends on if you're
one of the guys who
will be eating them.
- Right, I forgot about
that, I better make it 8,000.
- Listen Arnold, since
you're my brother
and I know it
means a lot to you,
I've decided to take that
playground job after all.
- Oh, Dad fired you, huh?
So now you come crawling
back to me for that playground job.
- Now I wouldn't
exactly call it crawling.
- You're right, it's
more like groveling.
And I like that.
You do it very well.
- Well call it whatever
you want Arnold.
Listen, I need to make some
money, so I got the job right?
- Not so fast Willis.
First you have to fill
out this application.
- Now Arnold, you've
gotta be kidding.
- Have a seat young man.
- Come on, make this
fast, I don't have all day.
- Your name?
- Arnold.
- Not my name, your name.
- Willis.
- Willis what, Willis
Schwartz, Willis Kowalski?
Willis Jackson.
- Age?
- 17.
- Sex?
- Isn't that obvious.
- I'll just put not yet.
Any history of mental illness?
- No.
You coulda fooled me.
- Will you cut it with
these wisecracks
and let's get this over with?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Are you familiar with the
basic techniques of first aid?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Do you know how to
treat sprains and bruises?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you familiar with
cardiopulmonary resuscitation?
- You mean CPR, uh sure
yeah, sure, yeah I know that.
- You should, you have
enough practice giving
your girlfriend
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Are you finished?
- One more thing.
Do you have any
personal references?
- Yeah, you.
- Excellent, excellent.
Any friend of Arnold
Jackson is a friend of mine.
- So do I get the job?
- It's up to the
playground director.
All I can do is give you
a good recommendation.
However that
carries a lot of weight.
- So does the piano
that I'm gonna drop
on your head if I
don't get the job.
- I'll tell him you're truly
a wonderful human being.
Step right up, step right up.
For the low, low
price of 50 cents,
you can have the
pleasure of dunking a do-do.
How about you sir, don't be shy.
Douse a louse for your spouse.
Say, how 'bout you guys?
Come on, show some
spunk, dunk a punk.
- How you doin' bro?
- Not as good as you're doin'.
- Hey thanks again
for this job Arnold.
Man it has some fine fringe
benefits I hadn't counted on.
- Dudley, we've got to
drum up some business.
We haven't had one customer,
and I think I know why.
- Why?
- People feel sorry for you.
They don't wanna dunk you
because you look so pitiful.
- That's because I am pitiful.
- Look, here's what
I want you to do.
I want you to get
people mad enough
to throw baseballs at you.
Yell at 'em, call 'em
names, insult 'em.
Be obnoxious, you
know, just be yourself.
- But I'm not like that, I'm
just a sweet, lovable dude.
- Dudley, lovable has no
place in the dunk tank business.
We need mean, nasty and vicious.
- Okay, I'll try.
- Attaboy!
- Hi Arnold.
- Hi Dad.
- Wow, look who's here.
Three of the ugliest
people I've ever seen.
- Not to my family dummy.
Don't mind him, his
brain is waterlogged.
- How's it goin' Arnold,
you rakin' in the big bucks?
- We could do better,
wanna try your luck dad?
- Oh sure, how much?
- Well it's three balls for
$1, but since you're my dad,
I'll give you a special,
three balls for $5.
- Never do business
with a relative.
Anyway it's a good
cause, here we go.
- All right.
- Let's see what we
can do here gang.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Hold your breath Dudley.
Okay here we go.
- I was quite a pitcher
when I was in college.
As a matter of fact they
used to call me Cannonball.
- Come on Mr. Drummond,
you can do it.
- Looks like the old
Cannon's a little rusty.
- All right, let's see what
you can do wise person.
- Okay, hold onto
your trunks Dudley.
- Okay ready, set.
- Looks like the Cannonball
and the pea-shooter both missed.
- Well make way for big Bertha.
- Yeah.
Our ace in the whole now.
- Go Bertha go.
- Come on Pearl.
- Too bad.
- It's hard to throw straight
in a Cross Your Heart bra.
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
Since you drove all the
way in from Cincinnati,
I'm gonna give you a free ball.
- Nice, but I don't
think it'll help much.
- Yeah, you couldn't hit
the broad side of a
barn, Mr. Drummond.
Ooo.
- You'd probably do better
with your eyes closed.
- I never thought of that.
- Oh.
- Well, I guess we'll
go along home now son.
Good to see you Dudley.
Thanks for the pointer.
- Thanks for being
a big spender Dad.
- Sure okay.
- Bye, I'll see ya at home.
Don't go away folks,
we'll be right back.
We're just taking
a little break.
What, testing one,
two, three, testing.
Hey Willis, come here.
- What's the matter brother?
- This microphone isn't working.
- It's not?
- No.
- Let me see it.
Testing, testing.
Arnold, with your big
mouth, you don't need a mic.
- Sure I do Willis, I need it
to drum up business around here.
- All right, all right, listen,
I'll check the loudspeaker,
and you check behind the
amplifier for any loose wires.
Catch you girls later.
- Okay Will.
I'll just check back here.
Ah, Willis, I found
something loose.
It's this wire
right here, I'll just.
That's very funny Arnold.
- Arnold will you quit
clownin' around and get up?
Arnold.
Arnold, come on Arnold,
quit playing, enough's enough.
Oh no.
- Hey what's wrong Willis?
- He must of gotten a
shock, I don't feel his pulse.
He's not breathing.
- Well do something, give
him some of that CPR stuff.
- I don't know how.
Somebody help my brother,
somebody come on, help!
Arnold you gotta, come
on, I'm sorry Arnold!
- How do you feel now Arnold?
- Kinda weird.
- Well, you're
gonna be just fine.
You're as good as new, in
fact, you're better than new,
you've had your
batteries recharged.
I'll be going now Bill.
- Well thanks very much
for coming Dr. Kalsa.
I'll see you down.
- Bye thank you.
- Thank you Doctor.
- Bye-bye.
- Well we'll let you
rest now honey.
- Goodnight Arnold,
sleep well, I love you.
- I'm sure glad I've still got
you for a roommate Arnold.
- Yeah, me too.
This small fry was
almost a french fry.
Thanks for saving my life
Willis, you're the greatest.
- Well, you see Arnold.
- Willis, I'm so lucky you got
that playground job
instead of some dummy.
- Yeah, lucky.
- Good morning, Willis.
- Good morning, Dad.
Dad listen, there's
something I have to tell you.
- That you did not
save your brother's life.
- How'd you know?
- Well Dudley called
to ask about Arnold
and he told me what happened.
Willis I am astonished
that you could lie
and say that you knew
CPR when you didn't.
You knew some stranger
saved your brother's life.
How could you go on letting
us think that you were the hero?
I'm really very
disappointed in you Willis.
- Dad I feel awful, you
don't have to rub it in.
- I'll rub it in all right.
Your behavior was
totally irresponsible.
It was just lucky that fella
was there and knew what to do.
You darn near cost
your brother his life.
- I guess you're gonna tell
Arnold what really happened.
- No, I'm not.
- You're not?
- No, you are.
Oh
- Easy there Arnold.
- Don't touch me,
you might get a shock.
- Arnold, what are
you doing down here?
- He said he wanted
to rest on the sofa.
- My eyes are weak and we've
got a bigger TV set down here.
- Yeah, and if that doesn't
work, you can use my binoculars.
All right, come on down here.
- Okay, here you go Arnold.
- Just relax on the
couch, you'll be fine.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, I think
you're gonna live
honey, okay there you go.
- I'm not feeling well.
I think I might need my
electronic football game.
- Maybe you need your helmet
in case you fall off the couch.
- I'll go get your
game for you Arnold.
- Thanks Willis, you're the
best brother a guy ever had.
- Yeah.
- Could you please
move my pillow up a little?
- Sure.
- A little more.
- Down a little.
A little to the right.
- How would you
like it up your nose?
- It's just fine
right where it is.
- Good, I'm gonna go
get ready for school.
- I sure wish I could
go to school today.
- We know, we know,
you're a gutsy little guy.
- Hey, you think I
like being stuck here
watching TV and reading
comic books all day?
- It's all I can do in my
weakened condition.
- I may not be able to go
to school for a whole month.
- Well actually Arnold,
the doctor said that it would
be perfectly fine for
you to go to school today.
- What you talkin' about Dad?
- That's what the doctor said.
- Oh, oh.
Oh, I think I'm
having a relapse.
- Cool it Camille.
I'm gonna let you
stay home today,
but you'll be just
fine tomorrow.
- Here you go bro.
- I better go and get
ready to go to the office.
I'm sure you boys
have a lot to talk about.
- Man Willis, I'll never be
able to thank you enough.
If it weren't for you, this
morning I'd be having breakfast
under those big
golden arches in the sky.
- Nah.
- It's true, right
now I'd be splitting
an egg McMuffin
with the grim reaper.
- Arnold listen, there's
something I have to tell you.
- Okay, but I'm never
forgetting this Willis.
When I write my autobiography,
you're getting a
whole half a chapter.
- Arnold listen to me,
I didn't save your life.
- You mean I'm dead.
If this is heaven, what
are you doing here?
- No man I'm serious, some
stranger saved your life.
I couldn't help you
because I don't know CPR.
I lied about it because
I needed that job.
- You lied?
- Yeah, I feel awful
about it, I'm really sorry.
- Sorry, sorry, is
that all you can say?
- Arnold I'll do anything
to make it up to you.
Come on, please forgive me.
- No, no way, never, forget it.
Your selfish, rotten
and dishonest,
and I don't even want you
for my brother anymore.
Get outta here Willis.
- Arnold please.
- I said get out of here.
- Arnold I think maybe you were
a little too rough on
your brother just now.
- After what he did,
I let him off easy.
- There's no excuse
for what he did,
but he knows it's wrong,
I know he's suffering.
He apologized, what more
could you expect him to do?
- Well I can think of a
lot of things he can do.
And they're all very painful.
- Well I'm very sorry
to have called you
at this hour of the
night, but I just thought
perhaps Willis might be there.
Yeah, thanks very much.
I'll give him till 1:30, if
he's not here by then,
I'll call the police.
If he comes in before then,
he'll have to call an ambulance.
- Calm down Daddy, I'm
sure Willis has a good reason.
- After missing school
today, after staying out
this late tonight, he better
have a darn good reason,
like being hijacked to Cuba.
- Dad.
- Arnold, you're
supposed to be asleep.
- I know, but when I got
up to go to the bathroom,
Willis wasn't in bed.
Did something happen to him?
- No, no, no, he'll
be along soon.
Now look, why don't
you just go back to bed?
- You don't think he did
something awful to himself
because I said all those
bad thing to him, do you?
- Oh no honey,
I'm sure he didn't.
- Maybe he jumped off
the Empire State Building.
And now he's nothing but a
big, ugly splotch on 34th Street.
- Arnold that's disgusting.
- I hate to think of it,
but he might have dived
off the Brooklyn Bridge.
- Arnold.
- He could be floatin' belly
up in the river right now.
With his eyes bulging
out and tiny little fish
nibbling at the
hairs in his nose.
- Arnold that's ridiculous.
Fish don't eat hairs.
Willis!
- Hi.
- Willis, I'm so
glad you're okay.
I didn't mean all those
things I said before.
- Where the hell have you
been and why didn't you call?
- Well I went over to
Arnold's school to apologize
to the playground director
for lying to get the job.
He almost got fired
on account of me.
Then I went down to Red Cross
and signed up
for a class in CPR.
- Well you did the
right thing Willis.
I think it'd be a
good idea if we all
took that CPR
class along with you.
- Yeah you never know
when you might need it.
Which we found out the hard way.
- Yeah.
Well where have
you been since then?
I just couldn't face Arnold.
Wandering around
thinking about what he said.
So then I went to a late
movie and came home.
- A movie, you mean you
never tried to kill yourself?
- No.
- You didn't even
maim yourself a little?
- No.
- I'll settle for a bruise.
- Arnold that is not
a nice thing to say.
- I know, but it
came from the heart.
- Well as long as I know
you're all right Willis,
I'm gonna go to bed,
good night Daddy.
- Yeah I could use
some sleep too.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
- Something else
I have to tell you.
I promise from now on I'm
gonna be much more responsible.
- I'm sure you
will, goodnight son.
Goodnight Arnold.
- Goodnight Dad.
- Night Dad.
Hey listen Arnold.
Do you really forgive
me for what I did?
- Of course Willis,
everybody makes mistakes.
You just have to make
'em bigger than most people.
- Thanks Arnold.
- I do forgive you, but
only on one condition.
- What's that?
- I want you to do a
little something for me.
- Oh you just name
it and you got it.
What do you want me to do?
- All right, come on Arnold man.
Try your hardest, I
know you can't do it.
- Come on, throw that ball.
- Come on, you call that an arm.
Can't you put more
strength in it than that?
- Come on, give
him the old pitcheroo.
- Look at that, now you
missed by three feet.
Now come on Arnold,
you've got one ball left.
- Come on Arnold.
- Try it with your eyes
closed Arnold it worked for me.
- Come on Arnold.
- Go for it.
- Yay.
- Well you had your chance
bro, looks like you blew it.
- Yeah, I blew it, but I'll
tell you one thing Willis,
you kept your half of the
bargain, you were a good sport.
- That's right.
- And I'll tell you
something else Willis,
I'm not a good sport.
♪ Now the world don't move
♪ To the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for you
♪ May not be right for some
♪ A man is born
♪ He's a man of means
♪ Then along come two,
♪ They've got
nothing but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes it does it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world