Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 6, Episode 3 - Rashomon II - full transcript
After a burglar's attempt to rob the house is foiled, Arnold, Willis, and Drummond all give different accounts of how it happen.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means
♪ Then come along come two,
they got nothin' but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It take Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot
♪ So what
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ Cuz it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
- Ugh!
Um, there's nobody home.
This is the answering service.
So just leave a message.
Of course I'm writing it down.
I don't care what you guys say,
I loved the movie.
Yeah, the wilder
those monsters are,
the better I like 'em.
- No way, not me.
That is the last time
I go to a horror movie
with you guys.
All those weird
looking creatures,
that grunting and groaning
and frothing at the mouth.
- It's always that way
at the popcorn stand.
- Hey, Arnold, how
would you like something
ice cool to drink?
- Yeah, sounds good to me.
- Yeah, me too, put a
couple ice cubes in mine.
- Anything else, sahib?
Maybe I can have
your turban pressed
with your head still in it.
- Aw, come on, Arnold,
I'll give you a hand,
then I'm gonna hit the sack.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- That's all right.
Here you go, Willis.
- Say, where's my ice?
- In the freezer.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
It sounded like it
came from the den.
- Maybe we just imagined it.
We just imagined it again.
- Willis, do you
think it's a burglar?
- Well, what are
we talkin' about?
It's probably just Pearl.
- Oh yeah, right.
- Yeah, she's probably just
doing some late-night dusting.
- Yeah, I'll call her.
Pearl.
Pearl.
Pearl!
- Did you call me?
Do I look that bad?
- Shh.
- What's going on?
- We heard noises in the den.
- We think it's a burglar.
- Oh, I doubt that.
- Why?
- Beause if I thought
there was a burglar
in this house, I wouldn't
be standing here like this.
I'd be on the floor
in a dead faint.
- Maybe it's just the wind.
Dad probably forgot
to close the window.
- Yeah.
- There's only one thing to do,
go into the den
and check it out.
- Right.
- Thanks for volunteering.
- Okay, okay, I'll
go check it out.
I'm sure it's just the
wind, probably nothing.
You know, I'm
cool, I'll check it out.
I don't hear a thing.
- One move and you're dead.
- That I heard.
- All right, get over
there with the rest of 'em.
That's it, hurry
up, go on, go on,
get over there.
All right, that's better.
Now, we don't want
any trouble here, do we?
- No, sir, we don't
want no trouble here,
absolutely not.
- Shut up!
- I was just gonna suggest that.
- Now, we're all gonna
stay nice and quiet
while I get out of here, right?
And you're not going
to use the phone, right?
All right.
Just to make sure you don't,
I'm gonna rip out the cord.
Well, anyway, we're
not gonna use it, all right?
All right.
♪ You do something to me
♪ Something that
simply mystifies ♪
Oh, hi, gang.
How was the movie?
From the looks of ya, it
must've been kind of scary.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
- All right, get over there
with the rest of them, pops.
Go on, hurry up, get going.
Daddy, we're all right.
- Take anything you want,
but don't hurt the children.
- Unh!
- Or the grownups.
- All right, let's have
your watch and wallet.
- And listen, would
you please leave
the baby pictures of the kids?
- You can have the
one of me on the rug
in my bare butt.
- All right, now,
where do you keep
the real valuable stuff?
- In a safe deposit
box in the bank.
- We don't have a
safe in the house.
- Come on, don't jive
me, a rich family like you
always has a safe.
It's gotta be behind like
one of those paintings.
- You're not even close.
- Come here, kid.
Mm, in this area, uh.
Now, tell me where the safe is.
- Well, see, I, we
wouldn't know.
Dad always blindfolds
us before he opens it.
- Come on, let's make
it fast before somebody
gets hurt, all right?
- All right, all right,
it's over there.
Back of that painting
on the wall there.
- All right, all right.
Oh, this is beautiful,
real beautiful.
Okay, come on,
open it up, quick.
That's it.
- All right, now,
everybody just relax.
Just think of me as a
guest in your house.
- Good idea.
I'll go turn down your bed.
- Hold it!
Don't move, don't move.
Come on, pop, come
on, make it quick.
- I'm tryin' to remember
the combination!
I'm not used to doing
this with a gun in my back!
- Well, I haven't got all night.
- Maybe you should
come back tomorrow.
We wouldn't want to make you
late for your next appointment.
- You know what, you
really got a big mouth
for a little pipsqueak.
- Don't worry, you won't
hear another squeak
outta my pip.
- You know, I'm
really startin' to lose
my whole patience
with the whole lot of
- God bless you.
- Are you
wearing an acrylic fiber?
- Acrylic?
I don't know.
- It's your sweater!
Get it off, get it off now!
- Okay, it's comin' off.
- Don't move!
- I'm getting it off!
- Get it off!
Get it off now!
- Here.
- No!
I'm allergic to acrylic.
- I'm allergic to
gettin' robbed.
- All right, come on,
open that safe fast,
or I'm gonna start shooting.
What's wrong with her?
Is she allergic too?
- No, she's hyperventilating.
- Are you all right, Pearl?
No.
- Well, make
her stop, or I will.
- Okay, come on, Pearl.
You're gonna be okay.
- Hold it!
Where do you think you're going?
- In the kitchen,
can't you see what's
happening to her?
I gotta put a bag
over her mouth.
- What?
- That's how you
stop hyperventilating.
You have to breathe in
your own carbon dioxide.
- All right, all right,
go on, make it fast.
But don't try anything
funny in there,
or your father gets it.
- Here you go.
Now, Pearl, everything
is gonna be all right.
I will find a bag somewhere.
- Over there.
- Bag, bag, bag,
gosh, uh, bag.
Uh, where are all those
bags we have around here?
Oh, here's one.
Oh no, he shot Daddy!
Pearl, he shot Daddy!
- No, wait.
- Daddy, are you all right?
- Oh, I'm fine, honey, I'm fine.
- Well, what happened in here?
We heard a gunshot.
- It accidentally went off.
Got him right in the head.
- Oh, no.
- Not him, the statue.
- The burglar's just out cold.
- I better call the police.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Let's see, what's that number?
Yeah.
Hello, this is an emergency.
What?
I don't believe this.
I'm getting music.
- Oh, terrific.
- Hello?
Yeah, listen, we just
captured a burglar here.
Could you send someone
over right away, please?
No, he's out cold.
No, I'm not a crank.
My name is Philip Drummond.
I live at 697 Park
Avenue, Penthouse A.
Yeah, thanks, and listen,
thanks very much for the music.
It's great to hear the
Dragnet theme again.
- How is he?
- He's comin' to.
- What his me?
- Don't you try anything.
Now, the police
are on their way,
but I will use this
thing if I have to.
- Make one move, and I'll
bite your ear off, hairball.
Err, rrr, grr.
- Hey, why can't we talk
this over, mister, hmm?
I mean, you don't
have to press charges.
Why don't we just let
bygones be bygones?
- What?
After you broke into our
home, held us at gunpoint
and threatened our lives?
- Hey, nobody's perfect.
Come on, give me a break.
I mean, my old man
died when I was a kid,
and my mother's worked
her fingers to the bone.
Now, she's in the
hospital, hooked up to
all these tubes.
I mean, it'd break her
heart if I went to jail.
- Aw, poor guy.
- I don't buy that
story for one minute.
- Did I mention the tubes
that she's hooked up...
- Sure, the tubes.
- I did.
That routine usually works.
- Routine?
Why, you're nothin'
but a sleezebag.
- Book him.
- This is the thanks I get
for tryin' to keep off welfare.
- Okay, want to tell me
exactly what happened here?
Hold it, hold it!
One at a time.
- Officer, I think I can
clear this up for you.
The burglar must've
slipped into the apartment
while the kids were
out at the movies,
and I was out on a date.
Well, actually, I was
at her apartment,
but that's another story.
When I walked in, he was
holding the kids at gunpoint.
He ordered me to open the safe.
Now, I saw that it
was a hot situation,
but I kept my cool so that
I could formulate a plan.
Kimberly had taken
Pearl into the kitchen
because she was ill.
My two sons were trying
to compose themselves,
but they were pretty scared.
With good reason, that
burglar had the eyes
of a vicious killer.
I was waiting for
the burglar to let
his guard down, if
only for a second.
But he kept watching
me like a hawk.
He knew I wasn't afraid of him.
I opened the safe
and handed the burglar
some jewelry, and
he told me to take out
the rest of the stuff.
This was my chance.
I deliberately tossed
my wristwatch at him.
He was so surprised,
he dropped his gun.
I pulled an old Army trick.
The gun went off.
The boys moved in to
help, but it was already over.
And I put him away
with a roundhouse right.
That sucker never
knew what hit him.
And that's exactly the
way it all happened, Officer.
Actually, we were never in
any real danger at any time.
- Daddy, I'm so proud of you,
the way you kept your cool,
and the way you saved us.
- The way he told that
story with a straight face.
- Dad, I thought I was
the only one around here
into science fiction.
- Hey, boys, you were
really much too nervous
to be able to take in
what really happened.
You know, it's perfectly
reasonable to be
so afraid at your age.
There's nothing wrong with that.
- Dad, I don't mean
to disagree with you,
but about the only
thing that he got right
was that Pearl and
Kimberly were in the kitchen.
Now, this is the
way it happened.
Dad was fumbling
around at the safe.
He was really scared
and so was Arnold.
Me, I was cool as a cucumber.
You see, I'm from the streets,
and I know how to
handle clowns like that.
I was figuring out my choices.
I could heave a chair at him.
I could crush him with
a flying body block.
Then it came to me in a flash,
I'd get Arnold to distract him,
while I attacked
from the other side.
I tried to tell Arnold my plan,
but he was too
petrified to hear me.
It was like talking to a salami.
So I realized it
was all up to me.
I don't know how
Dad got the safe open,
he was shakin' so
bad, but anyway,
the burglar had his eye on Dad.
And then luckily, Dad
dropped his wristwatch,
and the burglar grabbed for it.
Dad tried to kick
him and missed.
That's when the gun went off.
Then Dad tried to punch
him and missed by a mile.
That's when I
decided to move in.
I spun that brother
across the room,
and Arnold tried to karate him,
but all he was
choppin' was the air.
So I decided to put
that turkey away.
It was a dirty job, but
somebody had to do it.
And that's exactly
the way it happened.
You see, officer,
I'm not a violent man,
but when it comes
to saving my family,
I don't hold back.
- You also don't hold
back when it comes
to telling a tall tale.
- Willis, I think you're ready
for the Pinnochio hall of fame.
- Well look, that's
close enough.
I gotta be goin'.
I've already missed
half of Hill Street Blues.
- Wait a minute, Officer.
I can tell you what
really happened.
- Don't tell me, Pearl
and Kimberly are still
in the kitchen, right?
- Right, but the rest
of it went like this.
Dad was at the safe
shakin' like a leaf,
and Willis was sittin'
there with frozen eyeballs.
Me, I was cool as
a bear in a pool.
I tried to snap
Willis out of it,
but his knees were
knockin' so loud,
I could hardly
hear myself think!
He looked like a
wad of Silly Putty.
So I decided to
handle it myself.
I may be on the
small side, but I walk
on the wild side.
Dad finally got the safe open,
and that's when I
decided to make my move.
Willis tried to stop
me, but it was like
tryin' to stop a ragin'
bull with a red flag.
That's when Dad pulled
the wristwatch out of the safe,
and he dropped it because
his hand was shakin' so bad.
Dad tried to kick the burglar,
and the gun went off.
Then he tried to
hit him and missed.
Willis pulled himself together
and took a swing at him,
but he missed too.
That's when I moved
in with my fists of death.
I was outta control.
It was kind of like a
tribute to Bruce Lee.
That burglar was
no match for me.
I flipped him to the
floor, and he was out cold.
And all that was left was
to stuff and mount him
and hang him on the fireplace.
And that's the way it happened.
- Officer, I'm afraid
that my children
are confusing you.
- Oh no, whatever
gave you that idea?
- Excuse me, but maybe
I can shed some light
on the situation.
I know I was in the
kitchen, but my hearing
is still very acute.
- Oh, just what we
need, an ear witness.
- I distinctly heard fighting
going on in the living room.
And I definitely knew it
was Daddy punching him out.
But then again, it
could've been Willis.
Now that I think about
it, maybe it was Arnold
doing his karate.
- Thanks for clearing things up.
- Anytime, Officer.
- Well, Officer, it's
only natural for children
to become confused
under a stressful situation
like this, but they're learning.
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
This happens all the time.
We get witnesses who
say they saw a tall guy,
a short guy, a white
guy, a black guy,
and it's all the same guy.
- Well, this guy was
definitely white and short.
- No, he was tall.
- No, he was short, I remember
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold.
You all agree that this
guy broke into your home
and tried to rob you.
That's all we need
to put him away.
Good night, Mr. Drummond.
- Good night.
- We'll be in touch.
- All right, thank
you very much.
I appreciate your help.
- Good night, Officer.
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Well, it just goes to
show you, your mind
can really play
tricks on you when it's
under pressure like that.
- It sure can.
Not mine, of course.
Well, it's been a
long day, but at least
we bagged a crook.
Whatta ya say we all
turn in, huh, crime fighters?
Good night, boys.
- Night.
- Good night, Dad.
- You okay, Pearl?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I think I'll just straighten
up a little down here.
- Good night.
- Good night, Daddy.
- Night.
- Well, you still look a
little wobbly to me, Pearl.
So I think I'll stay up
with ya and help you out.
- Oh, thank you, Kimberly.
- I guess we'll never know
what really happened tonight.
- Oh yes, we will.
I know the real story.
- You do?
How is that possible?
- Well, remember when
we went into the kitchen
and you were looking
for a paper bag?
I peeked through
the kitchen door.
- You saw everything
that happened?
- Everything.
- Well, why didn't you
say something before?
- I didn't want to
embarrass Mr. Drummond
and the boys in front
of the policeman.
- Well, you can tell me.
- Good, I'm dyin'
to tell someone.
Well, there we
were in the kitchen,
and you were looking
for a paper bag.
Well, you had your
back to me, so you didn't
know that I slipped over
to the door and peeked out.
I could see
Mr. Drummond at the safe.
He was really scared.
The burglar had his gun on him.
Both the boys
were petrified, too.
As for the burglar, he
may have had a gun,
but he was even more
scared than they were.
Your father finally
got the safe open
and handed the
burglar a jewelry box
wrapped in a cloth.
Remember when
that burglar told us
he was allergic to acrylics?
That must've been what
the cloth on the jewelry box
was made of,
and then everything
happened at once.
Your father dropped the watch,
the burglar tried to pick it up.
Your father tried to
kick it out of the way.
The gun went off.
The burglar had a
terrific sneezing attack
and couldn't stop.
And Willis and Arnold
tried to get into the act,
but they only got
in each other's way.
Then the burglar went
staggering across the room,
and he sneezed
again and hit his head
on the chair and
knocked himself silly.
And that's really
the way it happened.
- That's incredible.
- I'm afraid the only
hero was this little
piece of acrylic.
Oh, Kimberly, let's keep
this our secret, shall we?
I mean, they tried, and
it doesn't do any harm
to let each of them think
he's a one-man SWAT team.
Did you hear that sneeze?
The burglar's back.
He must've gotten away.
- Okay, collect
ourselves, come on.
Go get that vase.
Ahh!
- Hey!
- We thought you were
the burglar when we,
what were you doing
in the kitchen anyway?
- I was makin' a sandwich.
I was hungry.
I came down the back stairs.
- Gosh, we heard you sneezing,
and we thought the
burglar came back.
- Oh, no, the reason I
was sneezing is because
I put too much pepper
on the sandwich.
- You scared us half to death.
- Will you guys relax?
There's nothing to fear
when Captain Karate is here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Hmm ♪
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means
♪ Then come along come two,
they got nothin' but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It take Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot
♪ So what
♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ Cuz it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪
- Ugh!
Um, there's nobody home.
This is the answering service.
So just leave a message.
Of course I'm writing it down.
I don't care what you guys say,
I loved the movie.
Yeah, the wilder
those monsters are,
the better I like 'em.
- No way, not me.
That is the last time
I go to a horror movie
with you guys.
All those weird
looking creatures,
that grunting and groaning
and frothing at the mouth.
- It's always that way
at the popcorn stand.
- Hey, Arnold, how
would you like something
ice cool to drink?
- Yeah, sounds good to me.
- Yeah, me too, put a
couple ice cubes in mine.
- Anything else, sahib?
Maybe I can have
your turban pressed
with your head still in it.
- Aw, come on, Arnold,
I'll give you a hand,
then I'm gonna hit the sack.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- That's all right.
Here you go, Willis.
- Say, where's my ice?
- In the freezer.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
It sounded like it
came from the den.
- Maybe we just imagined it.
We just imagined it again.
- Willis, do you
think it's a burglar?
- Well, what are
we talkin' about?
It's probably just Pearl.
- Oh yeah, right.
- Yeah, she's probably just
doing some late-night dusting.
- Yeah, I'll call her.
Pearl.
Pearl.
Pearl!
- Did you call me?
Do I look that bad?
- Shh.
- What's going on?
- We heard noises in the den.
- We think it's a burglar.
- Oh, I doubt that.
- Why?
- Beause if I thought
there was a burglar
in this house, I wouldn't
be standing here like this.
I'd be on the floor
in a dead faint.
- Maybe it's just the wind.
Dad probably forgot
to close the window.
- Yeah.
- There's only one thing to do,
go into the den
and check it out.
- Right.
- Thanks for volunteering.
- Okay, okay, I'll
go check it out.
I'm sure it's just the
wind, probably nothing.
You know, I'm
cool, I'll check it out.
I don't hear a thing.
- One move and you're dead.
- That I heard.
- All right, get over
there with the rest of 'em.
That's it, hurry
up, go on, go on,
get over there.
All right, that's better.
Now, we don't want
any trouble here, do we?
- No, sir, we don't
want no trouble here,
absolutely not.
- Shut up!
- I was just gonna suggest that.
- Now, we're all gonna
stay nice and quiet
while I get out of here, right?
And you're not going
to use the phone, right?
All right.
Just to make sure you don't,
I'm gonna rip out the cord.
Well, anyway, we're
not gonna use it, all right?
All right.
♪ You do something to me
♪ Something that
simply mystifies ♪
Oh, hi, gang.
How was the movie?
From the looks of ya, it
must've been kind of scary.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
- All right, get over there
with the rest of them, pops.
Go on, hurry up, get going.
Daddy, we're all right.
- Take anything you want,
but don't hurt the children.
- Unh!
- Or the grownups.
- All right, let's have
your watch and wallet.
- And listen, would
you please leave
the baby pictures of the kids?
- You can have the
one of me on the rug
in my bare butt.
- All right, now,
where do you keep
the real valuable stuff?
- In a safe deposit
box in the bank.
- We don't have a
safe in the house.
- Come on, don't jive
me, a rich family like you
always has a safe.
It's gotta be behind like
one of those paintings.
- You're not even close.
- Come here, kid.
Mm, in this area, uh.
Now, tell me where the safe is.
- Well, see, I, we
wouldn't know.
Dad always blindfolds
us before he opens it.
- Come on, let's make
it fast before somebody
gets hurt, all right?
- All right, all right,
it's over there.
Back of that painting
on the wall there.
- All right, all right.
Oh, this is beautiful,
real beautiful.
Okay, come on,
open it up, quick.
That's it.
- All right, now,
everybody just relax.
Just think of me as a
guest in your house.
- Good idea.
I'll go turn down your bed.
- Hold it!
Don't move, don't move.
Come on, pop, come
on, make it quick.
- I'm tryin' to remember
the combination!
I'm not used to doing
this with a gun in my back!
- Well, I haven't got all night.
- Maybe you should
come back tomorrow.
We wouldn't want to make you
late for your next appointment.
- You know what, you
really got a big mouth
for a little pipsqueak.
- Don't worry, you won't
hear another squeak
outta my pip.
- You know, I'm
really startin' to lose
my whole patience
with the whole lot of
- God bless you.
- Are you
wearing an acrylic fiber?
- Acrylic?
I don't know.
- It's your sweater!
Get it off, get it off now!
- Okay, it's comin' off.
- Don't move!
- I'm getting it off!
- Get it off!
Get it off now!
- Here.
- No!
I'm allergic to acrylic.
- I'm allergic to
gettin' robbed.
- All right, come on,
open that safe fast,
or I'm gonna start shooting.
What's wrong with her?
Is she allergic too?
- No, she's hyperventilating.
- Are you all right, Pearl?
No.
- Well, make
her stop, or I will.
- Okay, come on, Pearl.
You're gonna be okay.
- Hold it!
Where do you think you're going?
- In the kitchen,
can't you see what's
happening to her?
I gotta put a bag
over her mouth.
- What?
- That's how you
stop hyperventilating.
You have to breathe in
your own carbon dioxide.
- All right, all right,
go on, make it fast.
But don't try anything
funny in there,
or your father gets it.
- Here you go.
Now, Pearl, everything
is gonna be all right.
I will find a bag somewhere.
- Over there.
- Bag, bag, bag,
gosh, uh, bag.
Uh, where are all those
bags we have around here?
Oh, here's one.
Oh no, he shot Daddy!
Pearl, he shot Daddy!
- No, wait.
- Daddy, are you all right?
- Oh, I'm fine, honey, I'm fine.
- Well, what happened in here?
We heard a gunshot.
- It accidentally went off.
Got him right in the head.
- Oh, no.
- Not him, the statue.
- The burglar's just out cold.
- I better call the police.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Let's see, what's that number?
Yeah.
Hello, this is an emergency.
What?
I don't believe this.
I'm getting music.
- Oh, terrific.
- Hello?
Yeah, listen, we just
captured a burglar here.
Could you send someone
over right away, please?
No, he's out cold.
No, I'm not a crank.
My name is Philip Drummond.
I live at 697 Park
Avenue, Penthouse A.
Yeah, thanks, and listen,
thanks very much for the music.
It's great to hear the
Dragnet theme again.
- How is he?
- He's comin' to.
- What his me?
- Don't you try anything.
Now, the police
are on their way,
but I will use this
thing if I have to.
- Make one move, and I'll
bite your ear off, hairball.
Err, rrr, grr.
- Hey, why can't we talk
this over, mister, hmm?
I mean, you don't
have to press charges.
Why don't we just let
bygones be bygones?
- What?
After you broke into our
home, held us at gunpoint
and threatened our lives?
- Hey, nobody's perfect.
Come on, give me a break.
I mean, my old man
died when I was a kid,
and my mother's worked
her fingers to the bone.
Now, she's in the
hospital, hooked up to
all these tubes.
I mean, it'd break her
heart if I went to jail.
- Aw, poor guy.
- I don't buy that
story for one minute.
- Did I mention the tubes
that she's hooked up...
- Sure, the tubes.
- I did.
That routine usually works.
- Routine?
Why, you're nothin'
but a sleezebag.
- Book him.
- This is the thanks I get
for tryin' to keep off welfare.
- Okay, want to tell me
exactly what happened here?
Hold it, hold it!
One at a time.
- Officer, I think I can
clear this up for you.
The burglar must've
slipped into the apartment
while the kids were
out at the movies,
and I was out on a date.
Well, actually, I was
at her apartment,
but that's another story.
When I walked in, he was
holding the kids at gunpoint.
He ordered me to open the safe.
Now, I saw that it
was a hot situation,
but I kept my cool so that
I could formulate a plan.
Kimberly had taken
Pearl into the kitchen
because she was ill.
My two sons were trying
to compose themselves,
but they were pretty scared.
With good reason, that
burglar had the eyes
of a vicious killer.
I was waiting for
the burglar to let
his guard down, if
only for a second.
But he kept watching
me like a hawk.
He knew I wasn't afraid of him.
I opened the safe
and handed the burglar
some jewelry, and
he told me to take out
the rest of the stuff.
This was my chance.
I deliberately tossed
my wristwatch at him.
He was so surprised,
he dropped his gun.
I pulled an old Army trick.
The gun went off.
The boys moved in to
help, but it was already over.
And I put him away
with a roundhouse right.
That sucker never
knew what hit him.
And that's exactly the
way it all happened, Officer.
Actually, we were never in
any real danger at any time.
- Daddy, I'm so proud of you,
the way you kept your cool,
and the way you saved us.
- The way he told that
story with a straight face.
- Dad, I thought I was
the only one around here
into science fiction.
- Hey, boys, you were
really much too nervous
to be able to take in
what really happened.
You know, it's perfectly
reasonable to be
so afraid at your age.
There's nothing wrong with that.
- Dad, I don't mean
to disagree with you,
but about the only
thing that he got right
was that Pearl and
Kimberly were in the kitchen.
Now, this is the
way it happened.
Dad was fumbling
around at the safe.
He was really scared
and so was Arnold.
Me, I was cool as a cucumber.
You see, I'm from the streets,
and I know how to
handle clowns like that.
I was figuring out my choices.
I could heave a chair at him.
I could crush him with
a flying body block.
Then it came to me in a flash,
I'd get Arnold to distract him,
while I attacked
from the other side.
I tried to tell Arnold my plan,
but he was too
petrified to hear me.
It was like talking to a salami.
So I realized it
was all up to me.
I don't know how
Dad got the safe open,
he was shakin' so
bad, but anyway,
the burglar had his eye on Dad.
And then luckily, Dad
dropped his wristwatch,
and the burglar grabbed for it.
Dad tried to kick
him and missed.
That's when the gun went off.
Then Dad tried to punch
him and missed by a mile.
That's when I
decided to move in.
I spun that brother
across the room,
and Arnold tried to karate him,
but all he was
choppin' was the air.
So I decided to put
that turkey away.
It was a dirty job, but
somebody had to do it.
And that's exactly
the way it happened.
You see, officer,
I'm not a violent man,
but when it comes
to saving my family,
I don't hold back.
- You also don't hold
back when it comes
to telling a tall tale.
- Willis, I think you're ready
for the Pinnochio hall of fame.
- Well look, that's
close enough.
I gotta be goin'.
I've already missed
half of Hill Street Blues.
- Wait a minute, Officer.
I can tell you what
really happened.
- Don't tell me, Pearl
and Kimberly are still
in the kitchen, right?
- Right, but the rest
of it went like this.
Dad was at the safe
shakin' like a leaf,
and Willis was sittin'
there with frozen eyeballs.
Me, I was cool as
a bear in a pool.
I tried to snap
Willis out of it,
but his knees were
knockin' so loud,
I could hardly
hear myself think!
He looked like a
wad of Silly Putty.
So I decided to
handle it myself.
I may be on the
small side, but I walk
on the wild side.
Dad finally got the safe open,
and that's when I
decided to make my move.
Willis tried to stop
me, but it was like
tryin' to stop a ragin'
bull with a red flag.
That's when Dad pulled
the wristwatch out of the safe,
and he dropped it because
his hand was shakin' so bad.
Dad tried to kick the burglar,
and the gun went off.
Then he tried to
hit him and missed.
Willis pulled himself together
and took a swing at him,
but he missed too.
That's when I moved
in with my fists of death.
I was outta control.
It was kind of like a
tribute to Bruce Lee.
That burglar was
no match for me.
I flipped him to the
floor, and he was out cold.
And all that was left was
to stuff and mount him
and hang him on the fireplace.
And that's the way it happened.
- Officer, I'm afraid
that my children
are confusing you.
- Oh no, whatever
gave you that idea?
- Excuse me, but maybe
I can shed some light
on the situation.
I know I was in the
kitchen, but my hearing
is still very acute.
- Oh, just what we
need, an ear witness.
- I distinctly heard fighting
going on in the living room.
And I definitely knew it
was Daddy punching him out.
But then again, it
could've been Willis.
Now that I think about
it, maybe it was Arnold
doing his karate.
- Thanks for clearing things up.
- Anytime, Officer.
- Well, Officer, it's
only natural for children
to become confused
under a stressful situation
like this, but they're learning.
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
This happens all the time.
We get witnesses who
say they saw a tall guy,
a short guy, a white
guy, a black guy,
and it's all the same guy.
- Well, this guy was
definitely white and short.
- No, he was tall.
- No, he was short, I remember
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold.
You all agree that this
guy broke into your home
and tried to rob you.
That's all we need
to put him away.
Good night, Mr. Drummond.
- Good night.
- We'll be in touch.
- All right, thank
you very much.
I appreciate your help.
- Good night, Officer.
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Well, it just goes to
show you, your mind
can really play
tricks on you when it's
under pressure like that.
- It sure can.
Not mine, of course.
Well, it's been a
long day, but at least
we bagged a crook.
Whatta ya say we all
turn in, huh, crime fighters?
Good night, boys.
- Night.
- Good night, Dad.
- You okay, Pearl?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I think I'll just straighten
up a little down here.
- Good night.
- Good night, Daddy.
- Night.
- Well, you still look a
little wobbly to me, Pearl.
So I think I'll stay up
with ya and help you out.
- Oh, thank you, Kimberly.
- I guess we'll never know
what really happened tonight.
- Oh yes, we will.
I know the real story.
- You do?
How is that possible?
- Well, remember when
we went into the kitchen
and you were looking
for a paper bag?
I peeked through
the kitchen door.
- You saw everything
that happened?
- Everything.
- Well, why didn't you
say something before?
- I didn't want to
embarrass Mr. Drummond
and the boys in front
of the policeman.
- Well, you can tell me.
- Good, I'm dyin'
to tell someone.
Well, there we
were in the kitchen,
and you were looking
for a paper bag.
Well, you had your
back to me, so you didn't
know that I slipped over
to the door and peeked out.
I could see
Mr. Drummond at the safe.
He was really scared.
The burglar had his gun on him.
Both the boys
were petrified, too.
As for the burglar, he
may have had a gun,
but he was even more
scared than they were.
Your father finally
got the safe open
and handed the
burglar a jewelry box
wrapped in a cloth.
Remember when
that burglar told us
he was allergic to acrylics?
That must've been what
the cloth on the jewelry box
was made of,
and then everything
happened at once.
Your father dropped the watch,
the burglar tried to pick it up.
Your father tried to
kick it out of the way.
The gun went off.
The burglar had a
terrific sneezing attack
and couldn't stop.
And Willis and Arnold
tried to get into the act,
but they only got
in each other's way.
Then the burglar went
staggering across the room,
and he sneezed
again and hit his head
on the chair and
knocked himself silly.
And that's really
the way it happened.
- That's incredible.
- I'm afraid the only
hero was this little
piece of acrylic.
Oh, Kimberly, let's keep
this our secret, shall we?
I mean, they tried, and
it doesn't do any harm
to let each of them think
he's a one-man SWAT team.
Did you hear that sneeze?
The burglar's back.
He must've gotten away.
- Okay, collect
ourselves, come on.
Go get that vase.
Ahh!
- Hey!
- We thought you were
the burglar when we,
what were you doing
in the kitchen anyway?
- I was makin' a sandwich.
I was hungry.
I came down the back stairs.
- Gosh, we heard you sneezing,
and we thought the
burglar came back.
- Oh, no, the reason I
was sneezing is because
I put too much pepper
on the sandwich.
- You scared us half to death.
- Will you guys relax?
There's nothing to fear
when Captain Karate is here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some
♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Hmm ♪