Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 6, Episode 12 - Where There's Smoke - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born

♪ He's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine



♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot

♪ So what

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

- Who do you think
the murderer is, Pearl?

- Beats me.

- I can't wait to find out.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Boy, am I ticked off!

Do you guys know what
happened in school today?



It was humiliating,
it was degrading!

Wait'll you hear!

Hey, I'm talking to you!

- We were watching that!

- Don't you want to know what
happened to your own brother?

No!

- Why not?

- What do you mean, why not?

We're watching the...

- Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on here?

What's all the yelling about?

- Well, we're sitting here

minding our own business,
watching a murder movie,

when guess who comes
in and turns the set off?

- Arnold, that is very rude.

- Awwww!

- So now we're never gonna know

who the Meathook Murderer was!

- Thanks a lot, Arnold.

- I think the
housekeeper did it.

- No, it was the teenage son.

- Now, Arnold, why would
you do a thing like that?

- I was trying to
get their attention.

Maybe I should have
fallen out of the clouds

with a knife in my back.

- Oh, you got a point there.

Now tell me all about it.

What's bothering you?

Did something
happen at school today?

- Yeah, and don't
give me all that stuff

about "It's a new
school" and "Be patient."

Those kids still treat me and
Dudley like we're nobodies.

They totally ignore us.

- Oh, I'm sure it
can't be all that bad.

- Oh, no?

I waited by my classroom
to introduce myself

to one of the ninth graders.

And you know what happened?

He hung his coat on me!

- Well, that's one
way to hook 'em.

But it just so happens that I
got something for you today

that just might
make you feel better.

It might also help you
to be noticed at school.

- I hope it's a sandwich
board that says,

"Friends wanted, dead or alive."

- Here, son.

How'd you like to
try that on for size?

- Oh!

Oh, boy!

I can't wait to see what it is!

- Hey, whoa!

- Oh, dad!

A sweater with my school colors!

Oh, thanks.

- Now they'll really
pay attention to you.

- Yeah!

From now on, they'll know

who they're hanging
their coats on.

- I'll get that.

Oh, here's Dudley.

- Hi, Mr. Drummond.

- Hi, Ted, come on in.
- Hey, Phil.

Hey, Arnold.

It was really nice
of you to ask Dudley

to stay here while
I'm in the hospital, Phil.

- Oh, always a pleasure, Ted.

Dudley's like a
member of the family.

- Well, it'd be a big
help for me and my wife.

- Don't you worry about a thing.

You just have a quick recovery.

- Ah, I'm sure I will.

Knee surgery is nothing.

My biggest worry is recovering
from that hospital food.

Now you behave, son.

Got it?
- Got it.

- You better got it.

Because if you don't
got it, you'll get it.

Got it?

- Okay, dad.

- I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye, Mr. Ramsey.

- Bye, Arnold.
- Bye, Ted.

- Bye.

- Hey, Dudley.

Dig the bad threads
my dad bought me.

- Hey, the school colors!

That's neat!

- Yeah, you think
they'll notice me now?

- I doubt it.

- Thanks.

- Face it, Arnold.

The older guys will
never notice you.

You're the low man
on the totem pole.

- Yeah, I know.

- Excuse me, fellas.

But did you ever
stop to think that,

just maybe, the problems
you're having at school

might be your own fault?

- Our fault?

Sweet, lovable us?

- Yep.

Even sweet, lovable yous.

See, if you want
to make friends,

you have to extend yourselves.

- Come on, dad, look at me.

This is as far as I extend.

- I mean, you have to make

an effort to
socialize with people.

Hey, why don't you invite

some of the guys
over to the house here?

You know, the way I do
with my business associates?

- Oh, dad, these are
only eighth graders.

We can't get them drunk and
try and sell them stock options.

- That is not what I do.

- Hey, maybe your dad's
got the right idea, Arnold.

If you invite some
of the guys over here,

they'll be really
impressed with this place.

I sure was 'til I got used

to rubbing elbows
with the filthy rich.

- Well, I wouldn't
exactly say filthy.

Maybe we're a little soiled.

- So the bartender looks
up at the guy and says,

"Get that alligator off my bar!"

And the guy says, "That's
no alligator, that's my dog!"

You get it, you get it?

It was the guy's dog!

It was on a leash!

You know, arf, arf?

- What kind of party is this?

Are we just gonna
sit around here

and listen to bad jokes?

- Boy, it's getting
kind of warm in here.

Think I'll take off my
brand-new sweater

in the school's beloved
colors of green and white.

You guys like it?

- The school colors stink.

- Yeah, green
makes you look like

you threw up all over yourself.

- Right, that's why
I'm taking it off.

I don't want to
make you guys sick.

- Too late, the alligator
joke already did.

- Hey, what's going on, guys?

I thought you invited us
over to see some video tapes.

- Oh, yeah!

Sure!

What would you like to see?

- Hey, you got
any X-rated stuff?

- X-rated?

Well, no, but, I could show
you my naked goldfish.

- Hey, Jackson.

Is there anybody home besides
us and your housekeeper?

- No, why?

- Just asking.

Alright!

- You smoke?

- Sure!

Here you go, guys.

Uh, fellas?

Fellas, I don't think
you should do that here.

I mean, you sure you
want to smoke right now?

I mean, here?

- Why not?

As long as your father isn't
home, what's the problem?

- Problem?

No problem at all.

Right, Dudley?

- Right, no problem.

- Uh, listen, why don't we
step out on the balcony?

You don't even need
to smoke out there.

You can just inhale the fumes.

- No, we're okay right here.

Here, have one.

- No way.

I mean, uh, I'm
trying to cut down.

I only have one in the
morning with my milk.

- How about you, Dudley?

- No thanks, I have my own.

- Whatchu talkin' about, Dudley?

- I'll bet you never
even smoked, Jackson!

- Are you kidding, Glenn?

I've been smoking
since kindergarten.

While the other kids was
playing in the sandbox,

I was out looking
for cigar butts.

- How you doing, guys?

I hope you're hungry.

What's been going in here?

I smell cigarettes!

- Cigarettes?

What cigarettes, Pearl?

- Who's been smoking?

- Not me.

- Not you, huh?

And don't tell me you
had tamales for lunch

and your tonsils are on fire.

Dudley, I am shocked.

Now you put that
out right this minute.

You all should be
ashamed of yourselves!

- What's the big deal?

A lot of kids at school smoke.

- This isn't school!

Come on, put 'em out!

Put 'em in here.

Ugh.

That's it.

Hooo, I'm gonna take
them outside and bury them!

Ugh, what a filthy,
disgusting habit!

- Boy, she comes on like
Tony Randall's mother.

- Come on, guys,
let's get going.

- This is the dullest.

What are we doing
here with this guy?

- Wait, you can't leave yet!

You haven't eaten!

- Forget it.

Hey, Dudley, we'll see
you at school, alright?

- Yeah, great!

- See you later, Dudley.

- Take care of yourself.
- Uh, fellas?

You're gonna see
me too, aren't you?

- Not if we see you first,
you wild and crazy guy!

- Bye, Dudley.

- Well, I see Smokey
and the bandits have left.

- Yeah, I don't think they'll
be coming back this way.

- Good.

I have this air this place out
before you dad gets home.

- Pearl, you're not gonna
say anything to him, are you?

- Well...

- Have a heart, Pearl.

He was the only guy
who wasn't smoking.

- All right, I'll let
it go this time.

But next time I smell
smoke around here,

the house better be on fire.

- Don't worry, Pearl.

It will be.

Shoo, that was close.

Guess I'm off the
hook with Pearl.

- Yeah, but you really
blew it with the guys

'cause you don't smoke.

- I know.

By the way, when did you
start smoking, Menthol Mouth?

- I've been smoking
for a long time.

I find that after a
tough day of junior high,

a cigarette relaxes me.

- You look like you knew
what you were doing, all right.

- It's really easy.

Hey, I could teach you!

- No way.

No, I'm not interested.

- Suit yourself.

But while I'm off having
a great time with the guys,

you'll be here all alone,
a lost, pathetic soul,

wandering the halls of
school, talking to yourself,

and banging your
head against a locker.

- Come on, Dudley.

You're laying it
on a little thick.

Aren't you?

- I'm telling you, if you
don't smoke, you're out.

- Well...

Okay.

But we better go
upstairs to my room

so that Pearl doesn't find out.

- Good thinking.

- Come on.

Let's hit Tobacco Road.

It's safe in here.

No one will be home for a while.

Come on.

Hey, you even got
your own lighter!

- Hey, sure!

It makes you look sophisticated,

as long as you don't
set your nose on fire.

Okay, now the
first thing to learn

is to tap the
cigarette a little bit,

like this.

- Why do you do this?

- Beats me, but my dad does it.

- Okay.

- Now go ahead and light it.

- Oop.

Something's wrong here.

- You're not supposed to
leave it in the lighter, dummy.

Yeah, I'll help.

Good, now suck some in.

Blow it out!

Blow it out!

See?

Now, isn't smoking fun?

- I'll tell you when I
get through choking.

- Think you better
get some air freshener.

- Good thinking.

Here, hold that.

A little pine mountain
air spray ought to do it.

There.

How's that?

- Great.

Now it smells like we're
smoking a Christmas tree.

Now the next thing to learn

is to look like you
know what you're doing.

And put the cigarette
between these two fingers.

Now try to look relaxed.

I said relaxed, not collapsed!

- Oh.

How's this?

Do I look like the Marlboro Man?

- You look more
like Virginia Slim.

Okay, put the cigarette
into your mouth

and let it dangle, like in those
Humphrey Bogart movies.

- Here's looking at you, kid.

Play it again, Sam.

You must remember this.

A kiss is just a kiss.

- Come on, Arnold!

Hey, wait a minute.

I think something's
smoking in this room.

- Yeah, me.

- No, I mean
something's burning.

- Ooh!

Ooh!

It's my sweater!

It's burning!

- Nice going, Arnold,
you dropped an ash on it.

- Oh!

Aw.

What they say about
cigarettes is true.

- What do you mean?

- When my dad see this hole,

it's gonna be very
hazardous to my health.

What do you think, Dudley?

- That's better.

You can't see the hole.

Just keep your hand there.

- I can't go around all day
with my hand on my hip.

People will talk!

- Well, maybe if you tuck
the sweater into your pants,

it won't show.

- Right, right.

Good thinking.

There.

How's it?

- Pull your pants up higher.

Higher.

- Higher?

If I pull them up any higher,

I have to unzip my
fly to blow my nose!

- Well, maybe if you
tuck the sweater in a little,

and stoop down,
maybe it won't show.

- Okay, tuck
it in just a little.

Right, okay, now.

Stoop down.

- There, how's this?

- Okay, now let me see you walk.

Hey, Arnold, that's perfect!

- Perfect?

I feel like Groucho Marx!

- Oh, boy.

It's a good thing I don't
have to go shopping

with you two very often.

That's a jungle out there!

- Daddy, next time
you could stay home

and leave us your credit card.

- Oh, no.

It took me a lifetime
to get my money.

I'm not gonna give it all away

to Bloomingdale's
in one afternoon.

- Hello, comparison shoppers.

Back so soon?

- So soon?

I feel as if I've been in
the trenches for days!

- Come on, Daddy,
now don't blame me.

Willis just couldn't
tear himself away

from those three-way mirrors.

- Hey, now, how
often do I run into

two other guys as
handsome as I am?

- What's that I smell?

Smells like cigarettes.

Yeah, it sure does.

- Pearl?

Has somebody been
smoking in here?

You mean as in cigarettes?

- Yeah, as in cigarettes.

- Oh, well, uh...

I guess it's me, Mr. Drummond.

I hope you don't mind.

- As a matter of fact, I do.

I mind very much.

When did you start smoking?

- When?

When?

Gee.

I really don't remember.

I used to smoke,
then I gave it up,

but I guess I gave
up giving it up.

- Pearl, I'm very
disappointed and surprised

to learn that you're a smoker.

- Not as surprised as I am.

- It's no use, Dudley.

My new sweater's ruined.

- Hey, guys!

Hi, Willis!

- Hey, what's that smell?

- I see Dad bought
you some things, huh?

Well, let's see them.

- Has Pearl been up here?

- Pearl?

No, why?

- Oh, because
Pearl just admitted

she's been smoking
around the house.

- Ohh!

Pearl...

Well, now that you mention it,

I suddenly remember seeing her,

only I didn't notice her.

- Yeah, now I remember
not noticing her, too.

- Alright, guys,
what's going on?

You wanna tell
me about it, Arnold?

- Not particularly, Willis.

How about you, Dudley?

- No thanks, Arnold,
you can take it.

- Oh, you can express it better.

- Oh, now wait a minute.

You guys have been
smoking up here, haven't you?

- I plead the Fifth.

Anything I say may
be used against me.

- No, if you don't tell me,
I'll use this against you.

- Okay, so we smoked.

You wanna know why?

- I don't care why, it's dumb.

And besides, I don't want to

breathe in your crummy bad air.

- I know, Willis.

But me and Dudley promise
we won't do it again, okay?

Please, just, just,
be cool, alright?

And don't tell Dad, okay?

Whoa!

Oh, hi there.

- Arnold, what are you doing?

- Oh, I was just...

Sorry, Dad.

I was just freshening
up the room.

Dudley had his shoes off.

- Well, you better get washed
up for dinner, because...

It smells to me as if Pearl's
been smoking up here, too.

- You know I got a feeling

Pearl won't be doing
it anymore, Dad.

- Well, she better not.

- I don't know, Dad.

That woman is hooked.

- Well, anyway, come on,
get washed up for dinner.

Arnold?

Why are you holding your
hand at your side that way?

Are you in pain?

- Oh, no, Dad, I'm fine.

Aren't I, Dudley?

- We'll know pretty soon.

- What's going here?

What's wrong with
your side, Arnold?

- Oh, nothing.

- Well, I think I
better check it out.

- Uh, Dad?

It's just a old Little
League wound acting up.

- Well, I want to examine it.

- Dad, I'd let you examine it...

- Come here, come here.

Arnold, what in the world

have you done to your
brand-new sweater?

- Wow!

How'd that big hole get there?

- That looks like
a cigarette burn.

- Oh, it's that
darn Pearl again.

- Arnold?

Have you been smoking?

- Well, uh, uh...

Me and Dudley just
took a couple of puffs.

- I can't believe this!

How could you do such a
thing after all that I've told you?

- Come on, Dad,
it's no big deal.

- No big deal, huh?

Well, the next time that you
touch a cigarette, young man,

there'll be more than one
butt smoking around here!

- Dad, we only
did to make friends

with the older kids at school!

- Oh, listen, guys.

If you have to smoke
to make them like you,

they're not the kind of friends
you should have, anyway.

Dudley?

Where'd you get
these cigarettes?

- Well, I guess my dad kinda
leaves them around the house.

And I guess I kinda took them.

- And I guess he
kinda oughta be told.

- Gee, I don't think this is

a good time to
bother him about it

when he's on the way to
the hospital this afternoon.

- Right, Dudley's liable
to have to join him.

- Well, he's only going
in for a little knee surgery.

I'm sure he'd want
to know about this.

I know I certainly would.

- Make that two smoking butts.

- Maybe not.

My dad smokes, he'll
probably understand.

I bet he won't be mad at all.

- Dudley, I am furious with you!

Whatever got into that
thick head of yours?

- Good thing he didn't get mad.

- So?

What have you got
to say for yourself?

- Well, I see you smoking
around the house all the time.

- Well, that's different.

I'm bigger.

- Then at least we know
it won't stunt my growth.

- You keep smoking,
and I'll stunt your growth.

I don't want to see you start

a terrible habit and get hooked.

- I won't get hooked!

I can stop any time I want to.

In fact, now might
be the perfect time.

- Listen, guys, the best
thing is never to start at all.

And let anybody tell you
that some cigarettes are okay.

They're all poison.

- Then how come it
didn't hurt my dad?

- Well...

I'm afraid they did, son.

- What do you mean?

- Listen.

I didn't want to worry you.

But now I have to
tell you something.

- What, dad?

- I'm not going in the hospital
today because of my knee.

They're gonna remove
one of my lungs.

- One of your lungs?

- I have a growth in it.

The doctor says it's
from years of smoking.

- Then are you gonna be okay?

- Of course.

I hope so.

- Ted, I had no idea you
had this kind of a problem.

I'm very sorry.

- Me too, Mr. Ramsey.

- Is there anything we can do?

Anything you need?

- No.

Thanks, Phil.

- And don't you worry at all,

you or your wife, about Dudley.

He's just fine with us.

- Yeah, he's like
another brother.

Only not as good=looking.

- Son, your mother will call
as soon as she can, okay?

- Okay, dad.

I love you.

- And I love you.

Well...

I better be going.

- We'll hold good
thoughts for you, Ted.

- Thanks.

- I hope everything
goes well, Mr. Ramsey.

- Thank you, Arnold.
- Get well soon.

- Okay, dad.
- We'll be in touch.

♪ Now the world don't move
o the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes
to move the world, yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Mmmmm