Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 5, Episode 6 - Substitute Teacher - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for you

♪ May not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot, so what



♪ They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together, we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes

♪ Different strokes to
move the world, yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

- And this is your
assignment for tomorrow,

so read these two
chapters on Egypt.

- Two chapters in one night?

Why doesn't she just
ask us to build a pyramid?

- I heard that, Arnold.

If you don't think that's
enough homework,

I can throw in the Roman Empire.

- No, no, Egypt
will be just fine!



Stop fooling around, Arnold.

- I don't believe it, the
woman has mirrors on her ears.

- Now, class, I have an
announcement to make.

At recess today, I was informed

that I have to attend
a teachers' conference

for the rest of the week,
so after lunch today,

a substitute teacher
will be filling in for me.

- Aww, that's too bad.

- I can see you're all
overcome with grief.

- Who's the substitute
teacher, Miss Chung?

- Mrs. Rifkin, she
substituted for me last year.

- Isn't Mrs. Rifkin the old
lady with the hearing aid?

She had bad eyesight too.

- Bad ears, bad eyes,
that's my kind of teacher.

- Now, class, your
assignments for the next week

are on the board,
so have a good lunch

and please be
nice to Mrs. Rifkin.

Alright, I'll see you
guys next week.

- Bye, Miss Chung.

- The rest of the week's
gonna be a vacation.

Mrs. Rifkin is a pushover.

- Yeah, God bless her
great balding little head.

- Dudley, it's against the rules

to have bubble gum in class.

- So what?

We got Mrs. Rifkin, not
Chew-You-Out Chung.

- Now I can catch up
on my important reading.

I've just gotta find out what
happened to Spiderman

when he ate those
nuclear lima beans.

- Hey.

We wouldn't want Mrs. Rifkin
to strain her dear old eyes

reading Miss Chung's
assignments, would we?

- Oh no, we wouldn't want that.

- Yeah, let's think of it as
the good deed for the day.

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- Excuse me, young man.

- Hi.

- Hi. Why are you
erasing the blackboard?

- We were just
helping out the janitors.

If you're looking for Mrs.
Rifkin, she's not here yet.

- I'm afraid she won't be here.

She's ill.

I'll be your substitute teacher.

- What you talking about Mister?

- I'll be with you for
the rest of the week.

- Are you chewing
gum, young man?

- Not anymore.

- Okay fellas,
let's take our seats.

My name is Mr. Wilkes,

and I'm sure we're
gonna get along just fine.

I'm strict but I'm fair.

Are there any questions?

- Uh, yes sir.

How come you're teaching
instead of playing basketball?

- Well, actually, I did
play pro ball for a while,

but I had to stop.

- What happened?

Your head kept getting
caught in the net?

- Sometimes. Actually,
I had a knee injury.

Anyway, I had a very good
education to fall back on.

- What a break for us.

- I believe in studying.

The more work I can
give you, the happier I'll be.

- How happy you plan on getting?

- For starters, I want you
to do some reading tonight.

- Miss Chung never said
we had to do any reading

while she was away.

Right, guys?

Right.

- Well, shame on her.

I want you to read the first
three chapters on Egypt.

- Miss Chung said we
only had to read two.

- I thought as much.

I know what you were thinking.

Substitute teacher, a pushover.

You were gonna
have it easy all week.

- Oh no, we
weren't thinking that.

- Right, perish the thought.

- Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Okay, let's get going.

- Arnold, this guy is trouble.

- Trouble? He's got us up
the Nile without a paddle.

- Did I hear you kids say

you're going to go
to a movie tonight?

- Yeah, it's a new horror movie.

You want to come with us, Daddy?

- No thanks. I get all
the horror I can stand

on six o'clock news.

- How about you, Arnold?

Do you want to go with us?

- It's your kind
of picture, bro.

On the blood scale of one to
ten, they gave it nine quarts.

- Nine, huh?

Man, that's a lot of blood.

I wish I could go,
but I got homework.

- You've been working
on it all afternoon.

How much do you have?

- Enough to last
me through college.

- Hope you left room
for dessert, gang.

Another culinary
coup, my special,

pie a la pearl.

- Ooh, sounds delicious.

- The pie's Sara Lee.

The a la pearl is I
stick it in the oven.

- Arnold, you don't usually
have so much homework.

- I don't usually have three
whole chapters on Egypt.

- Well, I'll admit
that's quite a lot,

but it's very exciting,
reading about Egypt.

- It's a drag.

I'm only up to the part

where Cleopatra's
floating down the Nile

on her big fat barge.

- Well, hang in there.

It gets better.

Wait 'til you come to the part

where Caesar invents the salad.

Caesar salad.

- I don't think Steve Martin
has anything to worry about.

- I don't think Pinky Lee
has anything to worry about.

- I never said I was
a stand-up comic.

- You're not even
a sit-down comic.

- Well, this is a rough room.

- You're all making jokes, and
I'm stuck with the homework.

Does anybody feel sorry for me?

- Not me.
- I don't.

- Not particularly.

- I'm all for homework.

A lot of kids don't learn
anything in school nowadays.

They think it's a place to
go to spray paint the walls.

- Or they'll spray
paint the teacher.

- Uh-oh, you all know I feel

about phone calls during dinner.

Haven't we told our
friends not to call?

- Maybe that's
one of our enemies.

- Drummond residence.

He's having dinner.

Oh, well, if it's
an emergency...

It's for Arnold.

- It's for you, Arnold.

- It's Dudley.

He wants to talk
to you about Egypt

and that rat sphinx
who's teaching it.

- Thanks Pearl.

Alright Dudley, make it fast.

Pearl's got her
apron in an uproar.

- All this homework
is killing me.

How about you?

- Yeah, it's ruining my life.

I'm gonna miss a
great horror movie,

The Best Little Maniac in Texas.

- I don't know if I'm gonna
make it through the week Arnold.

We just gotta do
something about that guy.

- He really bugs me.

- Hey, maybe that's it.

If he's gonna bug us, why
can't we bug him right back?

You know, make
his life miserable.

- That's a good idea.

- Just off the top,
you got any thoughts?

- Not now, Dudley.

I can't T-A-L-K.

We can discuss it on the
way to school tomorrow.

- Okay.

- I'll tell you one
thing though.

Since he likes Egypt so much,

I'd like to get him a one-way
ticket and a room in a tomb.

- Even I didn't finish
all the homework,

and everybody knows I'm
the smartest kid in class.

- Here he comes.

- Y'all know what to do.

- Alright.

- Good morning, class.

- Good morning, Mr. Wilkes.

- Well, I'm glad to see

we're all bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed

and ready to do some
heavy-duty studying.

- We sure are.

- I can honestly
say, Mr. Wilkes,

we couldn't wait to
get into class today.

- Good. A little work
is stimulating, isn't it?

I knew you'd love Egypt.

Now, would you open
your history books please?

We seem to have a class
full of klutzes this morning.

Now, as you've learned,

the Nile is the only
waterway in Egypt.

Let's take a look
at it on a map.

The Nile is located
in a rich, fertile valley

with lots of curves.

Well, class, I want to thank you

for spicing up my
morning like this.

Thanks, I'll carry
it in my wallet.

- Nothing bothers this guy.

- Yeah, they should put his
face on Mount Rushmore.

- I'll bet this one gets him.

- The Nile runs through Egypt
to the Mediterranean Sea.

It's 4,160 miles long, from
its headwaters in Uganda

to its delta in northeast Egypt.

What are you doing, Arnold?

- Oh, uh, I...

I just thought maybe you wanted
me to pass out some paper.

- What for?

- So we can draw our own maps.

- That's good thinking.

What's this?

- Looks like somebody
gave you a present.

- Peanut brittle.

I like that.

Are you alright, Arnold?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

When you're this
close to the floor,

you don't have far to fall.

- I'm really sorry I hit you,

but you kinda had it coming
for fooling around like that.

Alright class, that's enough
of this three stooges routine.

If I hear any more of it,

I'm gonna slam dunk each
of you in the wastebasket.

Maybe three chapters wasn't
enough for you last night.

Tonight, we'll make it four.

I'll be right back.

You can start on
that assignment now.

- This guy's gonna kill us.

- Yeah, what a
terrible way to go.

Educated to death.

- We've gotta get
him out of here, guys.

- I'll say.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

What's the worst
thing a teacher can do?

- Show up in the morning.

- No, hit a student.

- I'd like to volunteer you.

- He already hit someone.

Arnold.

- That was just an accident.

- Are you sure?

I'm not sure.

Are you sure, Robbie?

- Nope, I'm not sure.

- See, we're not sure.

What makes you
think you're so sure?

- I didn't say I was sure.

- So why don't we just tell
the principal after school

that Mr. Wilkes slapped you?

By tomorrow, he'll be
just a tall, black memory.

- Well...

I don't know.

- Come on, Arnold.

You're our salvation.

- Yeah, you're gonna
lead us out of Egypt.

- Oh, alright.

And when that turkey's gone,

this is gonna be
the promised land.

- That's gorgeous, Pearl.

- Thanks.

When I was working
in Washington,

I learned flower arranging
from the Japanese ambassador.

He also taught me
how to cut off the stems

without a scissors.

Kee-yah.

That also worked
on the ambassador

when he made a pass at me.

- Hello.

Yes, he is. Just
a minute please.

Daddy.

- Did I hear your
bell-like tones?

It's for you.

It's Arnold's principal,
Mr. Langford.

- Oh, thanks.

Hello Mr. Langford.

No, I haven't spoken to Arnold.

He's not home yet.

Slapped him?

Are you serious?

Well, I don't care
what that teacher said.

There's no excuse for
laying a hand on a child.

Yeah, well, I'd like to
get to the bottom of it too.

First thing tomorrow morning?

That'll be fine.

I'll see you then.

By the way, thanks for calling.

Goodbye.

Damn, that makes me mad.

- Why would a nice lady
like Miss Chung slap Arnold?

- No, it was the
substitute teacher.

How dare he lay
a hand on Arnold?

- Nobody's slapping
my little brother around.

- What did Arnold do?

- Well, that's one of the
things I intend to find out.

Now, the teacher
says it was an accident,

but the kids in Arnold's
class said it wasn't.

- I'll go with you
tomorrow, Mr. Drummond.

Kee-yah.

- Yeah, I'm going too
to give him a root canal

with my fist.

- Now, now, calm down you two.

I know how to handle bullies.

He won't be so
free with his hands

when he sees someone my size.

- He sure ought to be
taught a lesson, Daddy.

- Hey Arnold.

- Arnold, are you alright?

- All parts are working.

You want to kick my tires?

- The principal called about
what happened in class.

- Oh?

- Arnold, come
and sit over here.

Now, I want you to tell
me exactly what happened.

- Well, we were just
fooling around a little.

You know, like we
always do to a substitute,

to try and discourage him.

- Yeah, the
standard stuff, right?

Dropping books,
chalk in the chair.

- There's nothing
wrong with that.

We've all done it.

- But he got so steamed, he
jumped up and slapped me.

- You poor baby.

- Boy, did it sting.

I felt a tear coming,

but I didn't want to
give him the satisfaction.

So I sucked it back
into my eyeball.

- Now Arnold, you know
that I do not condone

fooling around in class,

but he had no right to slap you.

I'm gonna confront this

Mr. Wilkes tomorrow
morning before school.

Is that necessary, Dad?

I mean, you know what they say,

to forgive is divine

and to know when
to duck is even better.

- That's a very
fine attitude, Arnold.

But that teacher
has gone too far.

I'm gonna go down there,
and you're gonna come with me.

- Do I have to?

- Arnold, there is
nothing to be afraid of

once you've told the truth.

- That's right, bro.

- Hello?

- Hello, Dudley?

It's Arnold.

- What's up?

- We've got a problem.

The principal
just called my dad,

and he's taking me to see
Mr. Wilkes in the morning.

- Oh, I wouldn't want to
be in your shoes, Arnold.

- You won't have to

'cause you're gonna be
there in your own shoes.

- What do you mean?

- Well, it was your idea.

You're my witness.

You gotta back me up.

- I'll be way back, right
here in my living room.

- Dudley, you're gonna
be there, and that's that.

- Well, okay.

But what am I supposed to say?

- You saw everything
that happened, didn't you?

- Yeah.

- Well, forget all that
and make something up.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Wilkes, this is Philip
Drummond, Arnold's father.

- Nice to meet you.

- I oughta slap your face
just the way you did my son's.

- Now really, Mr. Drummond.

- Lucky for you, I'm a
man of great restraint.

- Look, this is just
a misunderstanding.

It was just an accident.

- That's what we're
here to find out.

Why don't we get started?

Would you have a
seat over there please?

- Alright.

- Now, Dudley.

You were a witness.

I'd like for you to repeat
what you told me in my office.

- Well, like I said, Arnold
was standing near Mr. Wilkes,

and the next thing you
know, pow, right in the kisser,

like Godzilla swatting a fly.

- You're only telling
half the truth, Dudley.

When I opened the can
and the snakes jumped out,

I was startled, and
my hand accidentally

glanced off Arnold's cheek.

- Accidentally, my...

Foot.

- You can sit down, Dudley.

Arnold, I'd like
to hear from you.

- Could Dudley and I
please have a little confab?

- For what reason?

- So we can get
our facts together,

so we can give you
the straight story.

- That sounds reasonable.

- Alright, go ahead.

- Dudley, now that
I'm here, I don't like

the way things are going.

- Don't blow it now.

We're this close to
having him out of our class.

- I don't know if
I can lie like you.

- That's okay. Lie your own way.

- I'll try.

- Arnold, we're waiting.

- Well...

Well, it was like
Dudley said, only worse.

I didn't even see it coming.

All I heard was
a whistling sound.

Then, wham.

It was like getting hit in
the face with a side of beef.

And next thing I know,

my backside's picking
up splinters off the floor.

- I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

- Are you accusing
my son of lying?

- I'm saying he's not
telling the whole story.

- There is more.

After after he hit me,
he said I had it coming.

- Did you actually
say that Mr. Wilkes?

- Well, yes.

But what I meant was,
it's wrong to fool around

because things
can get out of hand.

- Well, yeah, I'd say slapping
a child is way out of hand.

- Look, Mr. Drummond.

I've been teaching school
for quite a few years,

and I've never struck a child.

- Mr. Wilkes, I happen
to have your record here,

and unfortunately,
this isn't the first time

you've hit a student.

- What?

You mean you
would permit a teacher

in the sixth grade classroom

who has a record
of hitting children?

- Now, just a minute,
Mr. Drummond.

That was a completely
different matter.

It was a high
school, older kids.

One of them was high
on drugs and acting crazy.

I had to slap him and subdue
him until he pulled out of it.

And if you look on my record,
I was exonerated for that.

- But in light of
what I've just heard,

I don't know if you
should have been.

- Well, obviously,
the man doesn't know

how to handle children.

- Mr. Wilkes, I'm afraid I have
no choice but to recommend

that you be suspended from
teaching school in this city.

- Good.

- These boys aren't
telling the truth.

I don't know why,
but they're not.

You've got to believe me.

You can't throw
away my whole career

for something I didn't do.

- Mr. Wilkes, I've
made my decision.

This meeting's over.

- Excuse me, Mr. Langford.

- Yes, Arnold.

- Could Dudley and I please
have another conference?

- Arnold, is it pertinent?

- Yeah, and it has a lot to
do with what's going on here.

- Go ahead.

- Look, we only want him
out of our hair, not out of a job.

- I know.

- He's gonna wind
up a bum on skid row.

And he doesn't
look too good now.

I'm gonna tell
the truth, Dudley.

- But Arnold, if you
tell them that you lied,

you'll get thrown out of school.

- I'll tell them you
put me up to it.

- Yeah, I guess we
have to tell them,

so we'll end up on
skid row instead of him.

- Arnold, what is going
on between you two?

I have a very
uncomfortable feeling

that there's something that
you two are not telling us.

- Well, Dad.

- I thought so.

Alright, start telling.

- Well, it appears that Dudley
and I have made a minor

error in judgment.

- Are you saying that you've
been lying about Mr. Wilkes?

- No, we never actually lied.

We just kinda wiped
our feet on the truth.

- What about the slap?

Was that an accident?

- It's sure beginning
to look that way.

- We were kinda
mad at Mr. Wilkes

'cause he kept piling
on so much homework.

- That's a
teacher's job, fellas.

If there's one
thing I've learned,

it's the value of
a good education.

It sure saved my life.

- This is just awful.

I don't quite know what
to say to you, Mr. Wilkes.

I'm just terribly
embarrassed about this.

- You should be.

- Well, I can stay
and write I'm sorry

on the blackboard 500 times.

- That's alright.

100 will be enough.

It's okay, Mr. Drummond.

I know what it means
to be a concerned father.

I happen to be one myself.

Well, gentlemen, I'm sure glad

we got down to
the bottom of this.

- You're glad?

- We're really
sorry, Mr. Wilkes.

We didn't mean to get
you into so much trouble.

I was in over my head,
which for me is easy.

- We all make mistakes, fellas.

- That's nice of you.

- But we also have
to pay for them.

- Uh-oh.

- You can look forward to
some very special assignments,

just for the two of you.

- And I hope you boys realize

that you're in line for
punishment by my office too.

- And when you're
finished there,

you can get into
my line, Arnold.

- That's gonna be a long line.

- I'm not quite sure how to
punish you for this one, Arnold.

- It's gonna be a biggie, huh?

- Yeah, very biggie.

- Mr. Wilkes, I just
saved your butt.

How about saving mine?

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes
to move the world, yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world