Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 5, Episode 24 - My Fair Larry - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move

♪ To the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for you

♪ May not be right for some

♪ A man is born

♪ He's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ And they got
nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world



♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot

♪ So what

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

- Hi, Willis.
- Hey.

- You sure looked great out

on the basketball
court yesterday.

- Hey, so did you.



Boy, you two really
set the team on fire.

Especially me.

- Hey, you.

- My name happens to be Lindsey.

- Okay, hey you Lindsey.

What's shakin' with your bacon?

- My bacon is none
of your business.

Do you mind?

- Hey, what's your hurry, doll?

- I'm late for class.

- Well, I just wanted
you to know that, uh,

believe it or not, uh,

I've noticed you all week.

- Oh, be still my heart.

- Hey, I ain't kidding.

You know, the
first time I seen you,

my leather heated up
and my sideburn twitched.

I'm talking love here.

- I'm talking repulsive here.

- Hey, you noticed me too, huh?

- I think you're disgusting.

- Okay, okay, I'll take you out.

- I'll catch you girls later.

- I hope so.

Hey there, Larry.

- I don't get you, Jackson.

- Get what?

- How come you got chicks
eatin' out of your hands?

- Hey, what can I say, Larry?

When you got it, you got it.

- Yeah, but compared to me,

you ain't got nothin'.

- I agree to that.

- So how come you
do so good and I don't?

I mean, I'm better
lookin' than you,

I'm smarter, and let's
face it, I dress better.

And this chick I'm wooing for

won't even give
me the time of day.

- Aw, gee Larry.

I never thought you had
any problems getting dates.

- Normally I don't.

But this particular chick
don't respond to threats.

- Well maybe it's
not the chicks, Larry.

I mean, maybe it's you.

- What do you mean?
- Nevermind.

- Out with it,
Jackson, I can take it.

- Larry, some
girls think you're a,

a slob.

But, um, up close
you look terrific.

- You're okay, Jackson.

You talk straight.

How'd you like to do me a favor?

- I can't wait.

- Well, since you're
such a hotshot Casanova,

you're gonna be
my private teacher.

- Teacher?
- Yeah.

To show me how to get
over with this chick Lindsey.

I got her under
my skin, you know?

I got her deep in
the heart of me.

- Larry, there's a lot
of other guys out there

that are a lot
smoother than I am.

Why don't you get one
of them to help you?

- I don't want nobody else.

I want you.

I like you, Jackson.

And I'm gonna tell
you a little secret.

You know, I'm a
very vulnerable guy.

I hurt all over.

- I know the feeling.

- I mean, sure I'm
tough on the outside.

But on the inside,
I'm a very sensitive,

delicate human being.

- I can see that.

- But I can't seem to
get any classy chicks.

You know, I haven't
had a date in three years

that didn't have a tattoo.

- Larry, I really don't
know if I can help you.

- Oh, you can do it Jackson.

Just make as though
your life depends on it,

'cause it does.

- Anybody for seconds?

Except for Arnold,
who's up to thirds.

- I can't help
it if I eat a lot.

I guess the only mark I'm gonna

leave on this world
is teeth marks.

- Willis, you've hardly
touched your food.

Pearl fried that chicken
with a lot of love.

She usually fries it
with a lot of grease.

- Your stomach will
live to regret that.

- It's hard to have
food on my mind

when I got Crazy
Larry on my back.

What do you do
with a gorilla like that?

- Just be sure to
keep his cage clean.

- Yeah, and get him
an old tire to swing on.

- That's a terrible attitude.

Nobody is beyond help.

- Yeah, we haven't
given up on you, Willis.

- Thank you, Arnold.

- I'd feel a lot
better if you weren't

hanging around with Larry.

He's a most unsavory young man.

- Nobody chooses
Larry for a friend.

He chooses you.

- Oh, don't make such
a big deal out of it, Willis.

Just tell Larry everything
you know about girls.

- Yeah, how long can that take?

Oh, sorry.

- Just remember, Willis.

The nicest thing a person can do

is to help another human being.

- You said human, that
leaves Crazy Larry out.

Oh, I'll get it.
- Good.

- Hello?

Oh, hi!

Who?

No kidding.

I guess it's okay
to send him up.

Right, bye.

- Who was that, Arnold?

- The doorman.

- Arnold, we figured out
that it was the doorman.

Who is it that's on his way up?

- Crazy Larry.

- Arnold, why did
you say send him up?

- I had to!

He had the doorman
in a headlock.

- It's okay, don't go to pieces.

You should be flattered
he wants your help.

No one is unteachable.

Just remember to be patient
and very understanding.

- Hey, why don't you
help me, Kimberly?

- I wouldn't go
near that slime ball.

Well, I've got some
homework to finish, bye.

Oh, wonderful dinner, Pearl.

- Thanks, honey.

- As long as you're
stuck with him, Willis,

you might as well do your best.

Let's face it, a guy like Larry,

any change will
be an improvement.

- Hey, Willis, if you
want I could help you.

I could tell Larry a few things

that always work
with women for me.

- Oh, and what
are those, hot lips?

- Well, I try to
be like you, dad,

and have a lot of savoir faire.

Like if I'm sitting next
to a cute little thing

in the school cafeteria,

I always wrap my
spaghetti up on my fork

instead of sucking it up.

- That shows a lot of class.

- And when we're through,

I always take their
dished back for them.

- You're a real gentleman.

- Thank you, I get a
lot of leftovers that way.

- It sounds as if
Larry has arrived.

- Sounds more like the A-team.

- At least he came to the door,

he didn't just walk
through the wall.

- Yo, what's
happening, baby cakes?

- Not much, thunder buns.

- Is Willis here?

I'm Larry.

- Larry, we have a doorbell.

- Yeah, I know, that's
what I was pounding on.

- Come in, please.

- Hey Larry, what
are you doing here?

- I couldn't wait.

I came over for my first lesson.

- Right now?

- I knew you'd be excited too.

- Dad, you remember Larry.

- Oh sure, how could I forget?

- Whatta ya say, old timer?

- Not much, I'm just
sitting in my rocking chair,

soaking my teeth.

- And this is my brother Arnold.

- Hi, Crazy.

- Hey, you heard of me, huh?

- Yeah, you're famous.

You're like Bigfoot
with a ducktail.

- And this is our
housekeeper Pearl.

- Yeah, we met on
a previous occasion.

- When was that?

- At the door.

- It was so long ago I forgot.

- Larry, I'm afraid we're
right in the middle of dinner.

- Great!

- Why don't you join us?

- Thanks.

Honey, honey, the threads.

- I'll take it
outside and beat it.

- Be right back, Larry.

I'm gonna go upstairs
just for a minute.

- Take your time.

Where are my manners?

- That's better, Larry.

- Man, Larry, I thought I
ate big, but you're the champ.

When you get to the
crunchy stuff, that's the plate.

- I told Kimberly about
your problem, Larry,

and she's dying to help you.

- Yeah, dying.

- Okay.

You see, this chick Lindsey
won't even talk to me.

- Larry, your problem is
you're coming on too strong.

A girl likes a guy who's
polite and sensitive.

- But I am sensitive.

I saw Bambi five times.

I wouldn't mention
that to nobody, Willis.

- Don't worry.

This is between you
and me and Thumper.

- Okay, so I work on sensitive.

What else?

- Well, listen.

Why don't you try asking her out

and we'll see what
you're doing wrong.

And pretend like
Kimberly's Lindsey, okay?

Try asking her out.

- It's okay by me.
- Great.

- I don't mind.

- How ya doin'?

Wanna go out?

- Uh, Larry, that's crude.

That's the way Jack
the Ripper would do it.

- Is that bad?

- Larry, try it again.

But this time be a little
laid back and smile.

- Yeah.

You've got a nice smile, Larry.

- Yeah?

Nobody ever told
that to me before.

- Oh, you're a big,
good looking guy

with a great physique.

- Yeah?

- You got a lot of
the possibilities.

- I do?

- Hey listen, why don't you
try asking her out again, Larry?

But this time be complimentary.

Let her know she's attractive.

- Okay, and keep an
eye on the sensitive.

Every move, a picture.

How ya doin' little lady?

I couldn't help
noticing your wild bod.

- Uh, that's a little better.

- Normally works.

- But you know what'd be nicer

is if you could take my hand

and look into my eyes
and say something like

my eyes are as blue as the sea.

- Yeah, they are blue.

And they're both lookin'
the same direction.

- Okay, uh, now tell
me my hair looks like silk

and my smile lights up your day.

- Yeah.

My day.

- Now tell me lips are soft
and as red as rose petals.

Larry, what's the
matter with you?

He's too much, I'm
getting out of here.

- It was good for me too, honey.

Ow!

- Ugh!

- Oh man, what a kiss.

Both my sideburns twitched!

Thanks a lot, Jackson,
you solved my problem.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, forget about
that chick Lindsey.

I'm in love with your sister.

- Larry, you've got to stop
following Kimberly around school

you're driving her nuts.

- Yeah?

I'm getting to her, huh?

- You don't understand.

It'll never work.

You and Kimberly
are different types.

- I know, but she's
good enough for me.

- Man, don't let Kimberly's
appearance fool you.

She's a real mess.

She leaves her
clothes all over the floor,

we have to force
her to take a bath.

She doesn't even
own a toothbrush.

- See that?

We ain't so different.

- I'm getting nowhere with him.

- Listen, Larry,
we've really gotta talk.

- I'm all yours, little fox.

- You know, I'm not the
least bit interested in you.

Look at that crummy jacket.

When was the last time you
washed your hands or your hair?

Look, just stay away
from me, you're disgusting.

- Is she dynamite or what?

I love a chick with
a little fire in her gut.

- Larry, don't you
understand what she's saying?

- Yeah, she wants
me to wash my hands.

I can live with that.

See ya tonight, pal.

- Tonight, for what?

- For what?

I'm coming over for my
first date with your sister.

- Date?

Larry, what are you crazy?

- Yeah.

- Do you believe it, daddy?

He's coming over here for a
date and he didn't even ask me.

I just can't get rid of him.

- He sounds like mildew.

- If you ask me,
anybody who could

swallow a chicken
whole can't be all bad.

- Arnold, how could you
admire a creep like that?

- Don't admire the entire creep,

just the creep's mouth.

- Well Kimberly, you
have to admire his tenacity.

When you're a
very attractive girl

you can't really fault him
for falling in love with you.

- Well, I know.

But I can't stand him.

He's just so greasy.

- Yeah, last time he was
in the school swimming pool

he left a ring.

- I'll tell you what.

As long as he's coming
over here anyway,

I'll have a little
heart-to-heart talk with him.

- Would you, daddy?
- Sure.

- Lots of luck.

- I heard that.

Do you mind if I don't answer?

- I'll get it, Pearl.

- Thanks, let me know when
he's gone so I can fumigate.

- It might be a good idea if
you weren't here, Kimberly.

- Right - I'll split too.

- I'll stick around, dad.

Just in case things start to
get ugly, I can call the pound.

I'm coming!

- Hi, sir.

- Larry?

- Say moi.

I heard that in a
dirty French movie.

- Very smooth.

Come on in, Larry.

- What have you got
behind your back, Larry?

Flowers?
- Nah.

It's a six pack.

For you.

- Oh, thanks.

- I got Kimberly
something real nice,

only it's not ready yet.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

This black leather motorcycle
jacket with grenade pockets.

- That would touch
any girl's heart.

- Hey, Arnold.
- Hey, Larry.

I didn't recognize you at first.

What happened, did you get
mugged by the Brooks Brothers?

- I even got stinkum
under my arms.

Here, smell.

- I'll take your word for it.

- So uh, where's Kimberly?

- Oh uh, she's tied
up at the moment.

- Yeah, what's she doing?

- Uh, girl things.

You know, uh, doing her
nails, checking for cellulite,

removing unwanted hair.

- Arnold, why don't
you do a little removing,

like removing yourself
from the room?

- Oh, but dad I wanna...
- Arnold!

- See ya.

- Sit down, Larry.

I'd like to have a
little chat with you.

- Anything you say,
Mister Drummond.

- Call me Phil.

- Okay.

So what's shakin' Phil?

I mean, uh, what would you like

to talk to me about, sir Phil?

- About you and Kimberly.

Let's see, how could I put this?

Okay.

I was once your age, ya dig?

And not so many years
ago, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, I know where
you're coming from.

You get me?

When I was your age,

I chased a couple of
skirts myself, ya know?

I mean, I really got around.

Do you know that expression?

- No.

- No?

Alright.

When two people
meet and fall in love,

it's the result of a
mutual admiration

and respect for each other.

What I'm trying to say is

you can't force
anybody to love you.

If it's gonna happen, it
has to come naturally.

You understand?

- Sort of.

- Yeah.

It was admirable of you to
change your image for Kimberly,

but that's not enough.

Love is a two-way street.

Two people have to want
to spend their life together.

And one of you isn't ready

to make that kind
of a commitment.

- Oh, oh I see what
you're going for.

- Good.

- You love your daughter
and you don't want to

see her involved in
a fleeting relationship.

I see what you mean.

- That isn't quite what
I was saying, but uh,

hey, why quibble?

- You're absolutely right.

Mister Drummond, I'd like to ask

for your daughter's
hand in holy matrimony.

- Holy smokes!

- How about it, dad?

- Larry, you haven't
heard a word that I've said.

Kimberly is not
in love with you.

- Hey, a marriage
can't have everything.

She'll learn to love me.

Trust me.

- Larry.
- Yeah, Phil.

- I don't wanna
hurt your feelings,

but here's how it goes down.

Now get this, Kimberly
is not interested in you.

She doesn't want to have
anything to do with you.

Now, I'd appreciate
it if you'd leave.

I don't want you to
bother her at school.

I don't want you to
come here to see her.

If you do, I will be very angry.

Is that clear?

Now goodnight.

I mean, goodbye.

- You know, I'm
beginning to think

I'm not very welcome here.

- Hang on to that thought.

- Alright, you can
all come out now.

- Did you fix everything, daddy?

- I told him exactly
how you feel about him

and he said he
wanted to marry you.

- Marry me?

- Nice going, dad.

You do anymore fixing, you'll be

bouncing little
Crazies on your knee.

- Listen, buster!

Oh, it's you.

- Hey, have you seen
Crazy Larry this morning yet?

- No, I've managed
to avoid him so far.

- Yeah, me too.

- Hey, yo.

- Oh no.

- Larry, what happened to you?

- You've changed.

- Willis, would you
mind leaving us

alone for a minute, please?

- He said please.

I'll be right over
here, Kimberly.

- I guess you know
I asked your dad

for your hand in
marriage last night.

- Oh yeah, he told me.

- Sorta read me the riot act.

But you know, when I left,
something was bothering me.

Something was
really gnawing at me.

- You forgot your beer?
- Nah.

I realized the truth.

- You did?

- I could never
afford a chick like you.

Look at that
penthouse you live in.

That's gotta cost at
least 2, 300 a month.

- At least.

- You got a maid and everything.

Probably even have
a chauffer and a limo.

- Well, yeah.

- I could never even
afford to buy the hub caps.

Course I really don't have to.

I got a closet full of 'em.

- You know, I really appreciate

you telling me all this, Larry.

But I want you to know
it's not just the money.

We just don't have
that much in common.

- I know.

You got class.

You probably go
to Lincoln Center

and watch that group
Fill In Harmonica.

Me?

I watch a guy with a
monkey in the park.

So that's it.

I'm walkin' off into the sunset.

No hard feelings, huh?

- No hard feelings.

- Thanks.

- Why did you kiss him?

- Oh, don't worry Willis.

We got it all worked out.

- Good.
- The wedding's in June.

- What?

- I'm just kidding.

Actually, he was very sweet.

Now I feel kinda sorry for him.

But we'll have no more
problems with Crazy Larry.

- Good.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Larry?

- Yo.

- You look nice, what happened?

I mean, you look
like a different person.

- I guess it's just the
real me busting out.

- I think you've
busted out kinda cute.

Listen, I gotta go to class,
but maybe I'll see you around.

- Yeah, maybe we'll meet
in the cafeteria for lunch.

- I might just do that.

- You know, over at
the sandwich machine.

I know how to jimmy it open.

- Love that sense of humor.

You were kidding weren't you?

- Hey!

She likes me.

She likes me!

- Well, it looks like we
helped Larry after all.

- Yeah.

Ey, come on!

I'll walk you to class.

♪ Now the world don't move

♪ To the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for you

♪ May not be right for some

♪ A man is born

♪ He's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans

♪ But they got different strokes

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different stokes
to move the world, yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Hmm ♪