Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 9 - Father and Son Day - full transcript

Willis wants to beat an obnoxious braggart in an upcoming father and son athletic competition at the YMCA. Believing Mr. Drummond may not be able do it, he asks another man to be his "father".

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪



♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪

Forty. Forty-four.

Forty and a half. Forty
and three-quarters.

Come on, Willis.

You're moving like you
got cement in your shorts.

Fifty! I win. I beat
you again, sucker.

You sure make it easy for me.

I'm gonna beat you yet, James.

You can't beat me at anything.

Oh, yeah? Can you disco roller-skate
and eat a taco at the same time?

Willis, the only thing you
can beat me at is losin'.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna cream
you in that father and son contest!



Yeah, he's gonna
pluck you, turkey.

Willis, you just bring
a mop on Sunday...

so you don't get the floor
all slippery with your tears.

See ya, loser.

Boy, that James
sure is a bad winner.

Yeah. Say, Willis,
I didn't know...

you were gonna be in that father
and son contest next Sunday.

Neither did I... till I said it.

Well, you sure Dad's
gonna want to do...

all that runnin' and jumpin' and swimmin'
and basketball and liftin' weights?

Sure. Well, I guess I
better tell him right away.

Yeah, it's nice to have a little
warning that you're gonna get a hernia.

Hey, wait up a second.

I feel my inner strength
callin' me. [Clears Throat]

[Grunting, Groaning]

Must have been a wrong number.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's see
you try it then. Go ahead.

Stand back, weaklings.
Here comes Mr. Universe.

[Groans]

Hey, tiger.
Pumping a little iron?

I'm afraid there's too much
iron and not enough pump.

Let me give you a hand.

See, Willis? And you
thought I couldn't do it.

Oh, we're doing
just fine, Mrs. Garrett.

You stay at Kimberly's school
just as long as they need you.

Well, tonight we're
eating at home.

I'm serving antipasto,
minestrone and lasagna.

No, it's no trouble at all.

I just went into the kitchen, picked up
the phone and called Spaghetti Delight.

Good-bye, Mrs. Garrett.

Daddy, where are Willis and Arnold?
They're supposed to be helping.

I guess they're still
over at the Y.M.C.A.

I think it's great that they're
getting into physical fitness.

You know, Arnold's really
getting conscious of his physique.

This morning he asked me to
measure his chest. [Chuckles]

- Relaxed it was 24 inches.
- How big was it expanded?

- Oh, 24 inches.
- [Chuckling]

I told him it was 42.

You know what he did to
me this morning? No, what?

He said, "Me
Tarzan, you elephant,"

and tried to ride
me out of the room.

You know, I was very body-conscious
myself when I was a little kid.

As a matter of fact,
you probably won't

believe this, but I was
a 97-pound weakling.

Oh, I can believe it, Daddy.

Anyway, there was
this bully that used to

throw sand at my face
when I went to the beach.

So I wrote away for one of
those muscle-building courses,

and I lifted weights all winter.

When summer came, I went back
to that beach and I found that bully.

- Ooh, and what happened?
- She still kicked sand
in my face.

- Oh-ho, Daddy!
- Just a little
muscle mirth there.

Hey, Dad... [Mr.
Drummond] Hi, guys.

Hey, how you doin',
Dad? What's goin' on?

Willis has something really
terrific to tell you! Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Okay, see... There's this big father
and son contest at the "Y" this Sunday!

Yeah, and... And there's
all kinds of sporting events,

and because you're his
father and he's your son,

he signed you two
up to be in it. He did?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, go
ahead and tell him, Willis.

I think he already got wind
of it from some bigmouth.

Hey, Dad, will you be in it with
me? Please? Come on, will ya?

Oh, I think that's a wonderful
idea, Willis. We'll be a team! All right!

And I'll be your
rooting section.

Give me a "D," give me
an "R," give me a "U-M-M."

Give me an "0," give me
an "N," give me a big fat "D"!

Yea, Drummonds! [Mr.
Drummond Chuckles]

I didn't think she could get
her big fat "D" off the ground.

Dad, will you be in a father and
son contest with me too someday?

Oh, of course I will, Arnold.

Hey, Willis, I'll bet ya we could use
a good coach to help us get in shape.

Don't you think so?
Oh, yeah, we sure could.

Maybe Arnold can handle it.

Yeah. I'll be a great coach!

I already got a
cap and a whistle,

and I can get
tough if I have to.

Let me see that again.

All right, you got
the job. All right.

Dad, I really want
to win that contest.

Have you done some
track events before?

Oh, yeah. In fact, last
year at the company picnic,

I beat three younger men
in three different events.

And without exception,
they all said the same thing...

- "Nice going, boss."
- Ah.

Don't worry, Willis, I'm
in pretty good shape.

Well, we've gotta be in
better shape by Sunday.

Yeah, and good ain't good
enough! This is your coach speaking.

Tomorrow, there'll be lots of
roadwork and bodywork for you two,

and lots of yelling work for me.

Like, "Hustle! Hustle! Move
it! Move it, you deadbeats!"

Don't be too hard on us, Arnold.
The contest is just for fun, you know.

Yeah. Oh, no.

I gotta win that big trophy and
beat that kid James at the "Y."

He's always beatin'
me and rubbin' it in.

Don't you worry
about beatin' James.

We are going to give
it our best shot, Willis.

Remember, it's not whether you
win or lose but how you play the game.

And the secret is to
play the game so you win.

Right on, brother. Right on.

Hey, guys, look at this
cream pie we have for dessert.

Oh, that looks delicious.
Mmm. Oh, that looks good.

Nope. Nope. No.

The first rule to remember
is no desserts during training.

- Ah, come on.
- Fortunately, that rule
doesn't apply to the coach.

I baked it myself.

You baked it? Yeah.

Like I always said, a coach should
always set a good example for the team.

[Whistle Blows]

Well, did we lose him?

No, he made it.

Hey, guys, listen.

Next time, let's
take the elevator up.

It's too tough
jogging up 30 floors.

Arnold did take the elevator.

Well, while I was standing
in it, I was thinkin' jogging.

Now, then, let's see.

We did five miles.

- Five miles?
- Four of that
was driving there.

Well, at least we ran a mile.

We can do better than that.
Tomorrow we're gonna do two miles.

We're gonna?

While me and Dad was jogging,

one of that "we" was riding in
the limousine with the chauffeur.

You think it's easy sittin' there
for an hour listenin' to white music?

Oh! Oh!

Are you all right, Dad? Oh,
yeah. I'm fine. It's just a kink.

How do we unkink you?

I'm okay. Listen. We're gonna do
just fine in that contest tomorrow.

But the most important
thing, win or lose,

is that we have a lot
of fun doing it. Yeah.

And what's more important
is to beat that kid James.

Oh, man, I really
want to cream him.

Yeah, we're gonna cream him.

And then we'll get that big
trophy when we win. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna win a trophy.

[Snores]

You know, Willis, you'd
have a better chance...

if they had a trophy
for speed sleeping.

Fifty-eight,

59...

Come on, Willis.
One more. Come on!

Come on! Come on! Sixty!

Oh, that's the best
you've ever done!

I'll enter that in the Willis
Book of World Records.

Hey, man, Willis,
that was terrific!

You do 20 more and you'll be
up to my grandma. [Chuckling]

I thought I heard your
big mouth, bigmouth.

Yeah. Why don't you go someplace and look
in the mirror and ugly yourself to death.

Yeah, we're gonna put
you and your dad away!

Oh, yeah? You
haven't seen my dad.

I don't need to see your dad,
'cause we're gonna cream you!

[Arnold] Cream him straight
out. Hey, let's get goin', James.

This is my dad.

Oh, Willis,

I thought the Incredible
Hulk was green.

Dad, this is Willis,
the dude I always beat.

He thinks he's gonna
take us in the contest.

Well, you never know, Son. That's
why we've got to keep practicing.

How are you, Willis? Uh, fine.

And who's this?

Hi.

I'm Arnold, his coach,
and his brother on the side.

Well, it's nice meeting
you boys. Hey, James,

we better get down to
the pool to do our 30 laps...

so we'll have time to run
a few miles before dinner.

Thirty laps? Thirty laps?

Well, it's Wednesday.
It's our easy day.

Good luck, boys.

Hey, Willis.

Say, man, I bet you got a good
chance of winnin' that other contest.

What other contest? The
one at the Y.W.C.A. [Laughing]

[Both Cackling]

Big show-off.

You know what I'd like to put in
his locker? A skunk with bad breath.

Oh, man, Arnold, did you
see the size of James's father?

Man, when they handed out
muscles, he got in line twice.

Well, Mr. D.'s got
muscles too. Where?

Well, they don't
jump out at you.

They just lay there
waitin' to be noticed.

Yeah. Well, yesterday
they were lyin' there snorin'.

Let's face it, Arnold. I haven't
got a chance to beat James.

Well, look on the bright side...

Maybe his father will
fall down a manhole.

If he'll fit in one.

- Hi, fellas.
- Hi, Larry.

Uh, Larry, how do you
get so big and strong?

You have to take
care of yourself.

You eat right,
exercise every day,

get plenty of sleep, and
lead a good, clean life.

- How long you been doing that?
- I start tomorrow.

No, seriously, guys. If I had a
son, that's the advice I'd give him.

Oh, thank you, Larry. Okay.

Thanks, Larry. Sure.

Man, Arnold, what am I gonna do?

Did you see the
size of his father?

Did I see him?

This whole room
was one big T-shirt!

What am I gonna do, Arnold?

I just gotta beat
that James. [Sighs]

Hey, wait a minute. Didn't Larry
just say he didn't have a son?

So? So he's got one now.

What you talkin' about, Willis?

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Groans]

Is soaking helping them, Daddy?

I haven't seen feet this red since I
went to a wine-making demonstration.

Are you sure you're up
to that contest Sunday?

I gotta be. I can't
let Willis down.

Well, that's a nice sentiment, but
have you discussed it with your feet?

- Do you want some more ice?
- Oh, no. No, I'm finished.

[Clears Throat] I don't want to be the
first man to get frostbite in a penthouse.

I wonder if Bruce Jenner
started this way. [Chuckles]

[Groaning]

Willis, how could you tell
Larry you didn't have a father...

and you couldn't be in
the contest without one?

Arnold, will you just shut up and
don't say nothin'? [Door Closes]

All I'm gonna do
is get some cheese.

Cheese? For what?

For you, you rat!

Arnold, will you just get off my
case, huh? I'm tired of losing to James.

Well, what're you
gonna tell Dad,

that you traded him for
a first-round draft choice?

I don't know. I'll explain it to
him so I don't hurt his feelings...

In my own way.

In other words,
you're gonna lie.

Now, Arnold, I don't tell lies.

Well, if you don't, you've sure
made the truth nervous a few times.

Oh, hi, guys. Hey, Willis,
I'm really getting into shape.

We are going to whip them good.

I'm raring to go!

Well, Dad, I've got something
to tell you about the contest,

and I don't think
you're gonna like it.

- You mean it's canceled?
- Canceled?

Yeah, well... well, is it?

Yeah, that's it.
They canceled it.

Aw, that's too bad. I was just
approaching my athletic peak.

Well, maybe next year, Dad.

Hey, I know how
you must feel, Willis.

You're probably
very disappointed.

Yeah. I can't tell
you how I feel.

Willis, I'm goin'
to the kitchen.

I'll bring you back that cheese.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, Daddy.

- Hey, a-are the boys home yet?
- No, they're down
at the "Y" again.

Poor old Willis. He just hasn't been
himself since they canceled that contest.

I guess it really meant a lot to
him for us to compete as a team.

Come to think of it, Arnold
hasn't been himself either.

He's down to only
eight snacks a day.

[Laughing] Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't I go down
to the "Y," pick the

guys up, take them out
to dinner and a movie?

Just the men... The
team and the coach.

- Hey, that's male chauvinism.
- Yeah, how about that?

[Both Chuckling] That's okay. I was invited
to my girlfriend's for dinner anyway.

Oh, good. You'll be
all right then? Oh, sure.

Daddy, wouldn't it be nice if
Arnold turned into a muscleman?

Well, he's practically half a
world-champion muscleman right now.

- Huh?
- He's got the Arnold.

All he's missing is
the Schwarzenegger.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Twenty-four, 25,

26, 27,

28, 29, 30.

Whew. Okay, Willis, that's it.

Whew. Okay, Willis, that's it.

- [Whistle Blows]
- I can do more.

Come on, Willis, take it easy.
You're gonna sprain your face.

Yeah, knock it off, Willis.

By Sunday, your muscles
will go into retirement.

[Whistle Blows]

Blow that whistle in
my face again, "Coach,"

and you're gonna join Woody
Hayes on the unemployment line.

Key down. Key down, Willis.

You're taking the competition
too seriously. You're uptight.

Relax. Enjoy.
Just do it for fun.

Yeah, the fun will be
when I win that big trophy...

and wipe that smile
off James's face.

Okay, champ, but
you're trying too hard.

Just work up a
sweat, not a flood.

Oh, okay. I guess
I'll hit the showers.

Okay. See ya later. Bye.

[Sighs] Is it okay with you
if I take a shower, "Coach"?

Don't get mad at me.

It's not my fault you
played a dirty trick on Dad.

Arnold, will you
just lay off me?

Let me see you do that again.

I thought that's
the way you did it.

But don't get me mad.

A coach isn't
supposed to hit a player.

Oh, yeah?

Lucky I heard what I just
said, or I'd have to punch you.

Listen, Arnold, you're just
too young to understand.

I'm not too young to
know what a creep is.

Uh, excuse me. Yeah?

I'm looking for two young
boys... Willis and Arnold Jackson.

You happen to know
where they are? Yeah.

Hold this for me.
I'll get 'em. Oh, sure.

[Chuckling] Oh, no, you don't.

They're in the shower.

You, uh... You're
pretty good at that.

I gotta keep in shape, or your
friend Willis will give me a bad time.

- Why would he do that?
- He wants to win that father
and son contest so bad...

it's killin' him.

It may put me away too.

Father and son contest?
Wasn't that canceled?

- No. It's still on.
- It is?

Yeah. I guess you know
Willis doesn't have a father.

So he asked me
to be his partner.

Oh, I see.

How well do you know
Willis and his brother?

Ah, not as well as I thought.

Well, it was nice
talkin' to you.

I gotta run two miles
around the track.

But do me a favor, will ya?
Tell Coach Arnold I ran 10.

See ya later.

♪♪ [TV: "As Time Goes By"]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart]
Here's lookin' at you, kid.

♪♪ [Stops]

- Hi, Daddy.
- Oh, hi.

You know, Daddy, between
you and Humphrey Bogart,

it has been a very
emotional evening for me.

What happened with you and the
boys? Why didn't you take them out?

[Clicks Tongue] Oh, uh...

I suddenly remembered
a business dinner I had.

You didn't tell the boys I
went to the "Y," did you?

Well, no. You said not
to when you phoned.

Good. Are they asleep?

Yeah. They were really pooped
when they got back from the gym.

Good night, honey.

- Daddy, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

No. [Groaning]

Oh, man!

Everything all right, Willis?

What a terrible dream I had.

- Did they put you on a rack
and torture you in your dream?
- No.

Well, that's what they
did to you in my dream.

That was a terrible
thing I did to Dad.

You know, I've been a... a...

[Sighs] I don't
even know the word.

Well, let me help
you... Fink, phony,

rat, jerk...

I'll take 'em all.

Well, wait a minute now.
I'm just getting warmed up.

I just couldn't go
through with it, Arnold.

I couldn't face myself if I did.

I'm telling Dad what happened
and droppin' out of the contest.

You mean that,
Willis? I mean it.

And you'll tell him the truth, the
whole truth and nothin' but the truth?

I will.

If I was a Bible, would you put
your hand on me and swear?

So help me.

Willis, you're the best fink, phony,
rat, jerk brother a guy ever had.

I thought I heard
voices in here.

Are you two guys okay?

Well, one of us isn't.

He's done something
that he's ashamed of.

And it ain't the
occupant of the top bunk.

Well, tell me.
What is it, Willis?

Dad,

I lied to you.

[Sighs] The father and
son contest wasn't canceled.

I got somebody
else to be my partner,

'cause I thought I'd have
a better chance of winning.

- That's it.
- Yep.

That covers all the
rotten things he did.

Willis, I can't tell you how happy
it makes me to hear you say that.

Huh?

Well, I found out today that
the contest was still on, and...

I wasn't gonna say
anything because...

Well, I was too hurt. Mmm.

I didn't mean to hurt
you, Dad. Honest, I didn't.

I know that, Willis.

You'll never want to do
anything with me again.

Oh, of course I
will. I'm your father.

I will always be there
when you need me.

[Sighs] What am I miserable for?

I didn't do anything rotten.

Give me a "D," give me
an "R," give me a "U-M-M."

Give me an "0," give me
an "N," give me a big fat "D"!

[Together] Yea, us!

All right! We made
a great team, Dad.

And let's hear it for Larry for shakin'
my hand and not breaking my head.

[Together] Yea, Larry!

No applause, folks. I
just want to thank Arnold...

for letting me be
his assistant coach.

Hey, guys, you did terrific.
And I love that trophy.

Yeah, well, even if
we came in third place

and James won and
rubbed it in, I didn't care.

Because we had
fun, didn't we, Dad?

Yeah, that's the
whole idea, Son.

I'll tell you, Phil, you were really
burning rubber around that track, man.

Yeah, you took them hurdles like
you had beans in your gym shorts.

The only reason
I ran that fast...

is I was trying to beat my
charley horse to the finish line.

Hey, if we start training now,

we can win that
big trophy next year.

[Sighs] Let's do a couple laps
around the apartment. Come on.

- Not me.
- You kiddin'?

The only lap I'm
headin' for is...

[Laughing]

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Mmm ♪♪