Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 3 - Feudin' and Fussin' - full transcript

At Arnold's suggestion, a TV producer gives Larry Alder an audition for a TV hosting job.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪



♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪

Morning, Daddy.
Hi, Mr. Drummond.

Hi, Kimberly, Arnold,
Willis. Good morning.

I said I'd make breakfast
while Mrs. Garrett was away.

I thought I'd give
you a little surprise.

Thanks for having
mercy on our stomachs.

Why are you always
knocking my cooking?

You mean you've never tasted it?

Hey, gang. How 'bout helping
me set the table? Kimberly?

Arnold, will you put away
that postcard Ruthie sent you?

- I think you must have
read that eight times.
- Eleven.

Arnold can't get over that part where
she says, "Oh, I miss you, Arnold.



You're adorable."

You've been reading my mail!

We couldn't help it,
Arnold. It's a postcard. Yup.

If you had any class,
you wouldn't look.

But, Daddy, all the
writing's out in the open.

So's the writing on the
subway walls, but I don't read it.

I do.

Oh, so that's how you've been
developing such an interesting vocabulary.

"Let's eat," said Willis,
quickly changing the subject.

Hold it! Hold it. Nobody
eats till my guest gets here.

We'll need another
place, Kimberly. Sure.

Who's your guest, Daddy? He's a
friend of mine from the club, Ted Green.

He's picking me
up to play tennis.

You're gonna play
tennis in that outfit?

Is it mixed doubles?

Don't worry. I only
wear this when I serve.

You get it?

See, you serve in tennis,
and you serve food.

"Forget it," said Daddy Drummond,
quickly changing the subject.

Well, I think you better
get rid of the apron.

Yeah, but make sure you
got your shorts on underneath.

All right, you clowns.
Save your jokes for

Ted Green. Maybe he'll
put you on television.

- Hey, is that your friend
who runs a big TV station?
- That's him.

Oh, yeah. He put
on some great shows.

One of 'em got canceled
before the first commercial.

You know, I love watching
the Johnny Carson show.

Could Mr. Green get
me his autograph?

Hold it. Johnny Carson
is way past your bedtime.

Strike that question.

All right. From now on, it's
lights out right after the cartoons,

right after the pig
says... "That's all, folks."

Nuh-uh! No eating, anybody.

Good morning, Ted.

Well, that's a cute
outfit, Mrs. Garrett.

Listen, even with this apron on, I
can still beat you six-love, six-love.

Truthfully, I should have
canceled our game altogether.

Having a lot of problems with
my highest-rated daytime show.

Yeah, I know. I've seen it.

I know it's a soap
opera, Ted, but, really,

how much trouble can
you heap on to one person?

I mean, amnesia, a heart attack,

diabetes, amputation.

And after all that, you
gave her hemorrhoids.

Oh, she can take
it. She's only 16.

No, my problem isn't
with the soap opera.

It's my talk show, New York
Live. The host wants to quit.

Listen. Come and have
something to eat. I hate

to see you have heartburn
on an empty stomach.

Oh, meet my family. This is Kimberly,
Arnold and Willis. This is Mr. Green.

How you doing,
Mr. Green? Nice to meet you.

Sure nice meeting you kids.
Phil, I hope you don't mind.

I left your number with my office
in case they wanna get ahold of me.

Fine. We're desperately trying to
get a new host for that talk show.

Talk show? Hey, how
'bout Ruthie's father, Mr. D.?

He'd be terrific for the show.

Arnold, that's a wonderful idea.

Larry Alder. He would be
just terrific for your show, Ted.

Larry Alder. Yeah.

Why is that name so familiar?

Well, he had a very
successful radio talk show

in L.A. before he moved
to Portland, Oregon.

Of course! I remember him.

He used to close his show
by saying... "That's all, folks."

I do it better.

But he is a terrific guy, and
he'd be a new face at your station.

A new face. I like that.

- Good thinking, Arnold.
- Yeah. That's a wonderful idea.

- You can be proud of yourself, Arnold.
- - Yeah.

It's not nice to brag, but as long as
somebody does it for me, I guess it's okay.

Ted, why don't I call Larry right
now and just see if he's interested?

Fine. Do that. Okay,
go ahead and eat, kids.

Oh, my stomach
thought you'd never ask.

Let's see. It's 9:00
here, huh? Mm-hmm.

That's 6:00 in the
morning in Portland.

Well, this is important.

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- Hello?
- Hi, Larry. It's Phil.

Who? Phil. Phil Drummond.
I'm calling from New York.

Are you out of your mind, Phil?
Do you know what time it is?

It's... It's...

It's 6:00 in the morning.
My hair is still asleep.

Listen, Larry.
Wake up your hair.

This is very important. It's about
taking over a talk show in New York.

Thanks, Phil, but, listen, I gave up a
big radio show in L.A. to come here.

Fresh air, no
pressure, nice people.

I've had it with big-city life.

This isn't radio, Larry. This
is television. Big-time TV.

- Television?
- That's right.

We may soon be
hearing, "Here's Larry!"

It has a nice ring to it. I
don't know though, Phil.

What's the matter with
you? Don't you think

you're as good as Mike
and Merv and Johnny?

Why drag the Pointer
Sisters into this?

He really is funny, Ted.

- Who you talking to, Phil?
- Why, that's Ted Green,
my friend here.

He's the man who wants
you to come to New York.

Ted Green? The-The
big TV honcho?

The-The biggest
exec in television?

The one they're always
writing about? That's the one.

Never heard of him.

Listen, Larry. Don't blow
this opportunity. It's too good.

- Yeah, you may be right.
- I know I am.

And bring the kids along.
I'm sure Ted'll pick up the tab.

Yeah. And, oh... and bring
your producer Morgan too.

No? Uh, uh, Larry, is
Morgan still as pretty as ever?

Yeah. Okay, I'll put Ted on.

Ted Green, Larry Alder.

- Hello, Larry.
- Hi there, Ted.

Larry, can you come to
New York immediately? Sure.

Oh, that'll be great. Listen,
don't worry about the expenses.

I'll take care of everything, as long as
you fly tourist and stay at a cheap hotel.

He laughed. He does
have a sense of humor.

All right then. I'm looking forward to
seeing you here in New York, Larry.

And I'll... I'll fill you in on all
the details when you get here.

Mr. Green, can I
talk to Ruthie, please?

Say hi for me, Arnold. Me too.

Larry, don't hang up yet.
Arnold wants to talk to Ruthie.

Uh, sure thing, Ted.
Good talking to you.

You too.

Ruthie...

Ruthie, telephone! Get
your little butt out of bed.

You're not Ruthie. You're Diane.

I am?

That's right. Hey, what's
all the yelling about?

I'm trying to study
for my exams.

At 6:00 in the morning?

Dad, my midterm exams start
tomorrow, and I haven't studied all year.

I gotta start sometime.

I'm, uh, very proud of you, honey,
for not waiting until the last minute.

- It's Arnold, Ruthie.
- Arnold?

Yeah. Calling from New
York. Hi, chubby cheeks!

- Hi, tall stuff!
- Arnold, don't yell.

I have to! It's long distance!

No, Arnold. I can
hear you. How are you?

Fine! Fine.

Willis and Kimberly said hi, and are you
gonna come to New York with your father?

- Well, I didn't know
he was going to New York.
- Don't you two ever talk?

Well, sure.

I mean, just last week I said to
him, "Where's my allowance?"

I got your postcard, and I was gonna
write you a long letter. You were?

Yeah. But now that I got you on the phone,
I can just tell you that long letter.

Uh, just a second.
I'll get a chair.

No, no, no, no,
no. No, you don't.

- Just say good-bye, Arnold.
- Good-bye, Arnold.

I mean, Ruthie!

You can do all the talking
you want when she gets here.

Oh, that's okay. You
know what, Willis?

She'll probably be
real pleased with me for

thinking up the idea of
getting her father out here.

Yeah. Maybe she'll
give you a big kiss.

No way! These lips are reserved
for sippin', munchin' and whistlin'.

Daddy, can we come to the airport
with you to pick up the Alders?

Oh, I don't think there's
enough room in our car.

See, there's Larry and Ruthie
and Diane and his producer Morgan,

all their luggage and us.

Arnold doesn't have to sit. We can
dangle him from the rearview mirror.

Or he can sit on the hood
and be a radiator ornament.

Well, thanks!

I mean, you know, I can just
curl up in the glove compartment.

Larry! Hey. Phil!

Mr. Alder! Hello,
Mr. Drummond. Ruthie!

Morgan! Ruthie!

Willis! Morgan!

Mr. Alder! Ah, yeah.
That's wonderful.

Arnold, Morgan, Ruthie, Willis,

Kimberly, chair, couch,

bell, luggage,
table, phone, stairs.

You are as crazy
as ever, you big lug.

Son of a gun. Big lug.

- Son of a gun.
- Big lug.

Son of a gun.

- Ruthie, where's Diane?
- Oh, she had an exam. She couldn't come.

I was just about to leave
to pick you up at the airport.

- We caught an earlier plane.
- I'm sorry that you
had to take a taxi.

Oh, that's okay.

- Uh, it was 22 bucks,
with the tip.
- What tip?

If you were watching, smarty-pants,
I gave the man 35 cents.

Oh!

Diamond Jim Brady lives.

We are delighted that
you're all going to stay with us.

Oh, gee, I... I
don't know, Phil.

I mean, um, take
a look at this place.

Mr. Green said we were
supposed to stay in a cheap hotel.

I don't think we can
afford these rates.

You don't have to
worry. I take credit cards.

How 'bout a discount for cash?

Okay, kids, everybody
help with the luggage.

You'll be in Mrs. Garrett's
room, Morgan. She's away.

Ruthie, you'll be in my
room. I'll be right back. Okay.

Here we go. I'll help you out
with your luggage here, Ruthie.

Boy, you got some
heavy underwear.

Let a man handle that, blood.

Works every time.

You know, this is some
place you got here, Phil.

If God had money,
he'd live like this.

Son of a gun. You big lug.

I think they're going through
their second childhood.

Yeah, I better order
them some Pampers.

Hey, you're bunking in
with me, buddy. Let's go.

Oh, uh, Phil, listen. I've
got kind of a bad back.

Could you help me with
the bag? Oh, yeah. Sure.

Thank you.

Works every time.

Isn't it terrific, Ruthie?

Isn't what terrific, Arnold?

Well, if your father gets
that job, you'll move here...

and live in New York and
never go back to Portland.

Yeah. And you know
what? It was all my idea.

Your idea? Yep.

I was the one that told
Mr. Green about your dad.

You mean you thought
up this whole thing?

All by myself.

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

Oh, sure.

You just ruined
my life. Say what?

Well, look, after my
father's audition tomorrow,

they'll probably offer him a
big contract with a lot of money,

and then he'll become rich and
famous, and it'll be all your fault.

Well, excuse me!

Maybe I can come up with another
idea that'll make him a broken-down wino.

You don't understand.

You see, Portland's the only place
I want to live for the rest of my life.

Well, how long
you figure that'll be?

Well, I don't know. Until
I'm an old lady, I guess.

Well, move to New York.
You'll be an old lady much faster.

But all my friends
are in Portland.

There's Tracy and
Bitsy and Peachy.

They all sound like
breakfast cereals.

Well, anyway, me and Kimberly
and Willis... We'll be your friends.

Well, I know, Arnold, and I
like you guys being my friends,

but Portland is my home,
and I don't want to move away.

Ah, come on, Ruthie!
Movin' isn't hard.

We moved from Harlem, and I
got used to Park Avenue overnight.

But this is different, Arnold.

I mean, it'd be moving
to a whole other city.

We've even been saving to buy a house in
Portland. I don't wanna live in New York.

Look, you could be a beautiful
new worm in the Big Apple.

This is where the action is.
Nothing ever happens in Portland.

Oh, yeah? You should've
been there last year

when they had the big
rancid butter scandal.

I'll just have to wait and see
what happens with Dad, I guess.

Well, look on the bright side.

If your father gets that
job, maybe he'll get fired.

No, Arnold. Daddy will
double-cross us and be a hit.

Sorry, Ruthie. I thought
it'd make you happy.

Ah, it's okay, Arnold.

And it does make me happy to know
that you did this just so you could see me.

I mean, well, I...
I love you for it.

Don't take it the wrong
way, but I love you too.

I understand.

Hey, I've got a good idea. Why
don't we go tell your dad how you feel?

No! No way! I
absolutely forbid it!

Maybe it wasn't
such a good idea.

Arnold, you've gotta promise
not to say a word to anybody.

I don't want anything getting
in the way of my father's career.

I'll just have to suffer in
silence for the rest of my life.

Like Bette Davis
in Dark Victory.

Dark Victory?

I didn't know Bette Davis
was one of my people.

Ruthie, I'll show you our
room now. Oh, thanks.

Listen, my room's really terrific, and
Mrs. Garrett must be a wonderful cook.

Oh, she is. How did you know?

Who else would have a statue of
Julia Child with a clock in the stomach?

Oh, Ruthie, you're just
gonna love living in New York.

Uh-oh.

- What's that supposed
to mean, Arnold?
- Oh, nothing.

I just always "uh-oh" when
there's guests in the house.

You're a strange little kid.

Come on, Ruthie. Come, Arnold.

♪♪

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Mr. Drummond.

Hi, Mr... You...

Phil, I don't mean
to sound ungrateful,

but I can only sleep
on the left side.

Well, I have the same problem.

Just try the right, one night.

It won't work. You try
sleeping on the right.

Listen, for the
sake of the children,

why don't you two see
a marriage counselor?

Willis, I need to talk
to you. Just a minute.

That's enough combin'! You'll be
the only bald kid in the ninth grade.

Okay, Arnold. What do you want?

Well, I need your advice.

Okay, little brother. Step right
up here to the advice department.

Okay, lay it on me.

Well, I can't mention
any names, but...

one person did something
wrong to the other person,

even though they wanted
to help the other person.

And the other person knows that
the other person really doesn't mean it,

and the other
person feels awful.

Okay, Arnold.
What'd you do wrong?

How did you know it was me?

Because if there's any
trouble laying around,

you're the first
person to step in it.

Well, just in case you
made a good guess,

what do you do if you did
something you're sorry for?

It's easy. You just undo it.

But how do you undo
it when you just did it?

What I mean is, whatever you made
happen, now just make the opposite happen.

- The opposite, huh?
- You got it.

Sounds pretty good to me.

I hope I grow up to be as smart as
you someday. Nothing's impossible.

You know, all that combing
sure has sharpened your head.

- You mean my brain.
- No, I mean your head.

When I agreed to this, I-I thought it
was an audition, not-not an actual show.

I mean, I never
should have said yes.

Look, with all my years in radio, I-I
never worked in front of a live audience.

Except once when I did
a eulogy for a big funeral.

I'll probably get about
as many laughs today.

I never should
have said yes to this.

Now, look, Larry, relax.
You're gonna do just fine.

Sure you are. Yeah,
I guess you're right.

What's 300 people?

Forget the 300
people. Right? Right.

Right. You've got millions
out there watching you.

Millions. Millions.
Thanks a lot.

My heart just dropped
into my jockey shorts.

Oh, Larry, Morgan didn't
mean that. Mean what?

That you should be nervous 'cause
there are millions of people watching,

or your career
could be on the line,

or that it's live TV,
and you could really

make a fool of yourself
or... Somebody stop me!

Where did you study
psychology? Devil's Island?

You're gonna knock 'em dead.
The rehearsal was sensational.

I never should have
agreed to all this.

What are you talking
about? You're gonna be great.

Who is that lovely
person? Philip Drummond.

Just trying to lighten
the mood here.

I'm Morgan Winslow, Mr. Green, and I
produced Larry's radio show in Portland.

And I'd certainly love
to produce his TV show.

Now, I've been watching everything
all day here, and I'm a fast learner.

I'd sure like to discuss your fast learning
over my expense account some night.

I'd love to.

I am dying, and they are
playing The Dating Game.

Larry, don't be nervous just because
Meadowlark Lemon hasn't shown up yet.

My special guest
hasn't shown up yet?

Thanks, Ted. He needed that.

There's nothing to
worry about. He'll be here.

And when he comes, he'll be just as smooth
off the basketball court as he is on.

Mr. Green, how would
you... Morgan, how

'bout watching the show
with me in the booth?

Well, thank you. Trying to keep Larry
from being nervous is making me nervous.

Here's your coffee, you big lug.

Thanks a bunch. I never
should have agreed to all this.

With all your friends,
you had to call me.

- Did Meadowlark Lemon
get here yet?
- Et tu, Ruthus?

How did you hear about that?

When the stage manager was
showing us around the studio.

We heard it in the booth.
Mr. Alder looks all right to me.

- What does that mean, Arnold?
- Well, in the booth they said
he was falling apart.

No, he isn't, kids.

Well, I stood up for you, Daddy.

I told them you always
look like you're falling apart.

That's my little
confidence builder.

Look, Larry has a
right to be concerned.

If Meadowlark Lemon doesn't get
here, well, it's gonna be some show.

Larry'll be out there all by himself,
nobody to talk to, egg all over his face.

And... Let's get
out of here. No, no.

Uh, you stay. I'll
get out of here.

Larry, you are gonna be
great, and I really mean that.

I'm rooting for you.
You're gonna do just fine.

Okay. Thanks, Phil.
Okay. Wish me luck, kids.

Good luck, Dad.
Love you. Good luck!

Come on, kids. Let's get to
our seat before the show starts.

I think I'll watch Daddy from here,
Mr. Drummond. I'll stay with her then.

Okay.

Did you hear what Mr. D. said?

If Meadowlark Lemon
doesn't show up,

they'll call the show off,
and you'll get what you want.

- You won't have to move here.
- No chance. Here he comes.

Okay, Mr. Lemon, your
dressing room's right there.

Say, man, I'm sorry I'm late. No
problem. You've still got a few minutes.

I got held up in a crowd
signing autographs.

It takes longer when
I have to beg 'em.

Hi, kids. Hi.

- Want my autograph?
- No.

What about a basketball? Sure!

Wow! Can I see your hand?

I sure hope my legs get
as long as your fingers.

Nothing wrong with being short,
kid. A wise man said that to me.

- Who?
- Wilt Chamberlain.

No way the show will get called
off now, Arnold. Yes, there is!

All I need is some hammer
and nails. I'll nail his door shut.

Arnold, don't be ridiculous.

We could get a pickup, tie it to the
dressing room and haul him to New Jersey.

Why don't we just tie him to a
rocket and launch him to the moon?

Now you're
getting the idea, kid.

Arnold, I know you
mean well, but I don't

want my father to bomb
out and be embarrassed.

You understand, don't you?

Yeah, I guess.

I'll just give Mr. Lemon
his ball back.

Got your suit here, Mr. Lemon.

I'm on the phone. Hang on.

Arnold, see that Mr. Lemon gets this,
will you? He has to wear it for the show.

Okay. Thank you.

Here's your chance to
undo what you did, big mouth.

♪♪

Okay. Quiet, please.
And here we go, Mr. Alder.

In five, four, three, two...

Hi there, and welcome
to New York Live.

My Name is, uh... Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, my name is, uh, Larry Alder,

and if my face seems strange
to you, uh, don't let it bother you.

It had the same
effect on my mother.

Oh, okay. I'm new
here in New York, uh...

and, frankly, I-I-I love it.

The people here
are very friendly.

Just the other day in
the airport, a gentleman

offered to, uh, carry
my wallet for me.

And I said, "No, thank you," and he
immediately put it back into my pants.

I don't mean to imply that
there's a lot of crime in New York,

but while taking a tour
through the New York Harbor,

I did see two guys trying
to mug the Statue of Liberty.

One guy yelled, "Hey, I got
the purse. You get the torch."

Hey, we got a really
great show for you today.

We have as our guest that clown prince
of basketball, Mr. Meadowlark Lemon.

And, uh, we have
Dr. Katherine Watkins,

the author of a best seller, who's
gonna discuss her book with us.

And, uh, now I'd like you
to meet our first guest...

A man who is starting a new
religion here in the New York area,

Mr. Carl Sabiki.

Well, it's nice to
meet you, Carl.

A lot of people can't
wear a chicken suit.

Before we get smothered in
feathers, why don't you just sit down,

and we'll have at it here.

One minute till your
spot, Mr. Lemon.

One minute?

What about my suit?

- - Oh, no, Arnold!
What did I just tell you?

Now you've ruined the show for
my father. But he slipped on the ball.

What happened? Somebody
get a long stretcher.

I'll get Dr. Watkins for him.

I didn't mean to slam-dunk
you, Mr. Lemon, honest.

Um, ladies and gentlemen, a big
round of applause for Mr. Sabiki.

It's been a real pleasure
talking to you, Carl.

Thank you.

The man is actually
molting all over the stage.

In any event, now for
our super special guest...

A giant among athletes,
and a giant among clowns,

and a giant on the
basketball court,

Mr. Meadowlark Lemon!

Mr. Alder, the...

Gee, Mr. Lemon, I thought
you'd be much taller.

There's been an
accident, Mr. Alder.

Mr. Lemon tripped
over his basketball.

Was he hurt?

Oh, boy. Huh.

We just got the, uh, sign
from backstage, folks,

so with any luck at all, Mr. Lemon
should be out here in a minute or two.

Uh, in the meantime, uh...

Uh, in the meantime, uh...

Hey, Arnold, as long
as you're out here,

why don't I interview
you for the audience?

Audience? What you
talkin' about, Mr. Alder?

Uh, that audience, Arnold.

Mouth, don't fail me now.

Uh, for those of you
folks who just tuned in,

I've been talking with my
little pal here, Arnold Jackson,

who's filling in for
Meadowlark Lemon.

Am I still on TV?

Yeah, but don't
worry about it, pal.

It's perfectly natural for someone who's
facing the cameras for the first time...

to be a little
weak in the knees.

Oh, my knees are okay. It's just
I'm not too sure about my bladder.

Okay. I'll tell you what then...

You just sit back and
relax, and mm-hmm...

And I'll bring out
our next guest, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, a nice warm
round of applause for our next guest...

A lady who wrote this book, A Doctor
Discusses Living, Dr. Katherine Watkins.

Dad? Dad?

Excuse me, but I think the tree
is trying to tell me something.

What is it, tree?

Dr. Watkins is taking
care of Meadowlark Lemon.

Thank you, tree.

Uh, well, it looks like Dr. Watkins
can't be out here either.

Oh, boy.

Listen, uh, just
for the heck of it,

how many of you folks out
there would like to meet the tree?

Okay. All right. Okay.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
this tree is none other...

than my youngest
daughter, Ruthie Alder.

Come on out, Ruthie.

Hi.

Uh, honey, why don't
you just sit down, okay?

Oh, okay. There you go.

Uh, Charlie, uh...

How much time do I have
to fill? Eleven minutes.

Eleven minutes.
Oh, that's great.

Eleven minutes to fill, and
my television career is at stake,

and my only guests are a former
tree and a questionable bladder.

Gee.

Please, don't turn
off your sets, folks,

because my dad is very funny
and he knows a lot of great jokes.

Like Dad goes, um,

"George Washington crossed the
Delaware twice without taking a bath.

He was a dirty double-crosser."

How much time left now, Charlie?

Okeydokey. Tell you what.

We'll take a break here
for a commercial and

be back with more of
The Best of Larry Alder.

Okay. All clear.

Look, you guys stay here. I'm
gonna go see how Meadowlark is.

Hi. Good. You're
okay. How's your head?

Fine. The doctor told
me to stay off it for a while.

Think you're in shape to go out?

Sure, Coach. I'll get those
points back. What points?

I'll drive in for a layup, get
you a couple of slam dunks.

We'll blow the Lakers
right off the court.

Look at the pretty birds.

Oh, boy. You're in
bigger trouble than I am.

Everything's working
out great, Ruthie.

Your father's going right down the drain,
and you're going right back to Portland.

Well, I don't want my dad to go down
the drain, Arnold. This is his big chance.

You wanna go back to Portland,
don't you? Of course I do.

I still want Dad to get the job, I mean,
even if I don't want Dad to get the job.

Because if Dad gets the job, then
he'll be happy, and then I'll be happy.

Except I won't be happy for me. I'll be
happy for him, as long as he's happy. Okay?

I forgot the question.

Stand by, Mr. Alder! Okay.

Okay. Here we go again, kids.

Five, four, three, two...

Hi, and welcome
back to New York Live.

Uh, seated next to me are my
daughter Ruthie and her friend Arnold.

Hi. Hi.

And, uh, this is Ruthie and Arnold's
first appearance on television.

Seated next to
them is Larry Alder,

who is making his last
appearance on television.

Oh, that's a funny one, Dad. You're
gonna be a big hit. Isn't he, folks? Yea!

Uh, that's my
daughter. That's my pop.

I'm not a relative.

Uh, well, now that I'm out here
on my own with Ken and Barbie,

uh, I guess we really don't need the
questions for Meadowlark Lemon...

and Dr. Watkins.

Hey, I'll tell you what... I think we
got a little something better here.

We've got two terrific,
interesting, intelligent kids.

Where?

Right here.

Arnold, listen to me.

If you could live in any city in
the world, what city would it be?

New York.

Uh, why, uh...

Why-Why would you... Why
would you wanna live there?

'Cause all my clothes are there.

Well, so much for Arnold. Ruthie,
how do you feel about New York?

Oh, it's... it's great,
Dad. Oh, I got a joke.

Did you ever hear the one
about the one-armed fisherman?

He caught a fish... this big.

Oh, boy. Am I in trouble.

- I got another fish joke, Dad.
- Honey, let's just get back
to the questions, okay?

Now, Arnold, what would you
like to be when you grow up?

Well, I was thinking of being
a talk show host, just like you.

- Thank you.
- Until today.

See, I told you, he's a pretty smart
kid. Um, Ruthie, how about you?

Well, I think maybe
I'd like to be a ballerina.

Or maybe a quarterback
for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

What's so funny?

You a quarterback? Women
ain't built for quarterbacking.

Says who? Me.

He just said I was intelligent.

Kids, let me just
ask you something.

Now, if women aren't built
for quarterbacking, right?

What are women built for?

I'm too young to answer that.

Boy, Arnold, I'm not gonna
marry anybody like you.

A woman could be a good quarterback out on
the field and a good lover in the bedroom.

Uh, Ruthie, do you
have another fish joke?

♪♪ Uh, heavens to
Betsy, there's our theme.

Saved by the old theme.

So you folks will have to wait a
while to hear the next fish joke.

Anyway, will Ruthie Alder find happiness
in the huddle of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

Will Arnold Jackson
find happiness...

and know what a
woman is built for?

Hey.

And will Larry Alder
find an audience...

that has been as wonderful
and warm as you people?

Hey, take care and
love each other, all right?

Okay. Clear, and thank you.

- Hey, Larry,
that was wonderful!
- Oh, Larry, you did it!

Morgan, just book
reservations for the first

flight to Portland before
they run me out of town.

No, it wasn't that
bad, Larry. Come on.

In fact, it was
sort of very good.

Just to be on the safe side,
I'll book a flight for tomorrow.

I wouldn't book those
reservations just yet, if I were you.

Larry, you were great.
Like-Like in terrific?

Like in sensational?
Like-Like I got the job?

Yes. I don't believe it.

It all depends on how well
you do in the testing. Testing?

Morgan, what are you
doing for dinner tonight?

Oh, well, I, uh... Uh, listen,
Mr. Green. I'm not busy.

We could go to dinner
and talk about the testing.

We're gonna run the show for a
cross-section audience this evening,

and if they like it, you're in.

Stay by the phone.

They should have finished
that dumb testing by now.

Yeah, they should have
finished that dumb testing by now.

I wonder why Mr. Green
hasn't called yet.

Yeah, I wonder why
Mr. Green hasn't called yet.

Ruthie, will you and
little Sir Echo knock it off?

Well, we're just trying
to help you worry, Dad.

Honey, I don't need any help.
I'm doing a great job all by myself.

Arnold, he's gonna get the job.

I just feel it in my bones.

I'm never gonna
see Portland again.

I'm the one to blame. Yeah.

When Mr. Green said he
needed a host for New York Live,

I just shouldn't have
said to get your father.

It's all my fault. Sure is.

You don't have to agree with me.

♪♪

Oh, uh, waiter?

Stepping out, Mr. D.?
Going out on the town.

Boy, you are some friend, Phil.

While I'm sitting
here sweating out my

career, you're gonna
go out and have a ball.

I am your friend.
I'm doing this for you.

Won't you feel better waiting, knowing
that only one of us is having a lousy time?

No. I knew you'd understand.

Well, good evening, gentlemen.

I'm ready, Phil.

Morgan, you look beautiful.

Phil, you're going out
with Morgan. I know.

Morgan, you're going
out with Phil. I know.

Together? All evening?

Except when I go
to the ladies' room.

Hey. Hey, I'm not breaking
up something here, am I?

Well, of course not. I
mean, do you date Morgan?

Are you two going together?

Hey, you and Morgan, uh...

You know.

Never. Never?

Boy, you really do need help.

Shall we go, my dear? Oh.

Drummond residence.

Yes, he is. It's Mr. Green.

Hi, Mr. Green.
How'd the testing go?

Uh-huh. They like Arnold?

And Ruthie did
great. That's swell.

Fish story was a big boffo.

Look, uh, Mr. Green,
how 'bout the other fella?

The tall one with
the boyish charm?

What?

Hey, that's great
news, Mr. Green.

Right.

Hey, folks, you're looking at
the next host of New York Live.

Hey, that's great.
You're kidding!

Oh, Morgan. I'm sorry.

Uh...

You're gonna be the
producer. Oh, you! Oh, Larry!

This calls for a
celebration. Right.

We'll go out and
celebrate. Bye, Larry.

Shouldn't we take him along?

- Just to pay the check?
- Good thinking.

Oh, honey, uh, we'll... we'll
do our celebrating tomorrow.

And don't forget... Kimberly's in
charge. Good night, Ruthie, Arnold.

You look terrific, Morgan.

Yeah, yeah. But you sure
don't look like no quarterback.

Good night. I'm real happy
for you, Dad. Have a good time.

Yeah. Good night, guys.

Hey, Ruthie.

I'm sorry. I know.

Diane, did you
hear what I just said?

Yeah, I heard you.
Dad got the job.

Well, yeah. Isn't that terrific?

We're gonna live right here in
the Big Apple, New York City.

They got millions of people right
on the block, Diane. Oh, it's terrific.

Four blocks down,
there's even a tree.

- Ruthie, what's wrong?
- Well, nothing's wrong.

I know you. When you get that squeaky
sound in your voice, you're miserable.

Okay, something's wrong.

I think I'm gonna
die. My life is over.

Now you sound
more like yourself.

You should see
how excited Dad is.

So we can't tell him
how we feel, okay?

Yeah, but I don't
wanna leave Portland!

I mean, I'm practically
going steady with four guys.

Well, how about me? We
have to change schools again.

Just when I got my math
teacher in my hip pocket.

- You gonna tell Dad that?
- No.

What am I gonna tell him?

You'll think of something.
You're the con artist in this family.

- Diane.
- I know.

♪ By the old mill stream ♪ Here
they come. I'll call you tomorrow.

I love you. Good-bye. ♪
By the old mill stream ♪

♪ Not the river but the stream ♪

♪ Where I first Not the
second but the first ♪

♪ Met you ♪♪ Hi, guys! Hi!

Hey, look who we ran
in to at Papa Leones.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, Ruthie, Meadowlark's gonna
open a sporting goods store in Portland.

- Hey, no kidding?
- Yeah.

On the opening day, we're gonna sell
basketballs with my autographs for 8.95.

Without my autograph, 9.95.

Hey, listen.
Speaking of Portland,

the lieutenant and I are just about
to do our famous victory routine.

Head for the hills! They're gonna
do one of their army routines!

Hold it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please be seated.

Lieutenant. Sergeant.

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Shine on, shine
on harvest moon ♪

♪ Up in the sky ♪ Hello,
curly-headed stranger.

My name is Swami River.
Want your palm read? I'd love it.

You got it.

♪ I ain't had no lovin' ♪

♪ Since January,
February June or July ♪

Some night. Some night.

Some moon. Some moon.

Some do. Some do, but I don't!

♪ Shine on Shine
on, harvest moon ♪

♪ For me and my moon
For me and my moon ♪

♪ For me and my... ♪
Big lug.

Son of a gun. ♪ Gal, yeah ♪♪

All right!

Whoo! Oh, man, was that good!

I thought we did that terribly
well. How 'bout an encore?

- No!
- Okeydokey.

How 'bout you, Meadowlark?

You sing one more,
and I'm out the door.

I think I better split, Larry.
Congratulations. Thank you.

You too, Morgan. Thank you.

Hey, Meadowlark! Bye!

Bye!

Okay. Now, who's
gonna help me clean up?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's
past my bedtime.

Listen. I'll help, Kimberly.

Although, I am a
big-time producer.

Ooh. Well, good
night, everybody.

Night. Good night, Phil.

Uh, listen, honey. It's getting
pretty late. Time to hit the sack.

Okay, Dad. Thanks, you guys.

Good night. Ahh.

Did you hear what he said?

That makes you a New Yorker, too, if you
don't tell your dad how you feel right now.

No! And if you tell him,

I hope a lizard eats your gizzard
and then a whale eats your tail.

Good night. Good night.

I'm sorry I clobbered your life.

That's okay, Arnold.

Hey, Arnold. Are you all right?

Another night like this,
and I'll be gray before I'm 10.

Well, you wanna
tell me about it?

Yeah, but I can't tell
anybody, especially Mr. Alder.

Oh. Why not?

Well, 'cause I don't want no
lizard chomping on my gizzards.

Hey, Arnold.

You think Mr. Alder's jealous 'cause
I was going out with Mr. Drummond?

No. Oh.

Uh, well, is it something to
do with Mr. Alder's TV show?

You could say that.
Ruthie's been awfully quiet.

Is it how the girls feel
about it? You could say that.

They like the idea of living
in New York, don't they?

You could say that,
but you'd be wrong.

Uh-oh. That's it.

They don't like it, do they?
They don't wanna leave Portland.

Mmm. Now, how do you like that?

You guessed the whole thing,
and I didn't have to say a word.

Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.

Um, I just had a
long talk with Morgan,

who just had a
short talk with Arnold.

Arnold? Don't listen to a word he
said, Dad. We'll get to like New York.

We'll even learn the language.

Uh, honey, sit down.

Look, um, I wanna
tell you a little secret.

Now, when this whole
television host thing came up,

I wasn't too crazy about
the idea myself at first.

And then today,
when I got in the studio,

and there was the audience,
and the lights came on,

and the people
starting laughing, and...

Now, this may sound
corny, but, uh, it gets to you.

Oh, I know, Dad.
You'll be great.

See, what I'm trying
to tell you is, honey,

that I know how you and Diane
feel about leaving and everything.

I mean, I know
it. I understand it.

Uh, but, you see, honey,
you're 13, and your sister is 16,

and... and you're just gonna
have to make new friends.

Sure, Dad.

And you're gonna
love living in this city.

I'm gonna get us a
real fancy apartment,

a door with a whole
bunch of locks on it.

- Okay.
- Of course we'll have to
make some adjustments.

I mean, a big-time TV
host. It's a lot of work.

I won't be with you guys
as much as I used to be.

- I mean, uh,
you understand that?
- Oh, sure, Dad.

There's gonna be
writers' meetings,

sessions with the press,
producers, stuff like that.

There may be some
Saturdays and Sundays when

you and Diane will
have to be by yourself.

I mean, those things happen.

Sure they do.

Um, I'm really gonna make
it in the big time, honey.

I'm gonna get what
I've always wanted.

And I know it's gonna be hard on you
guys, but you'll adjust to it. You'll see.

I mean, really, honey, this is gonna be
the best thing that ever happened to us.

Ruthie?

Yeah?

When, uh...

When I got the divorce from
your mother in Los Angeles...

and I, uh, left the
radio show and all,

what did I say?

You said you wanted to
get away from the rat race.

Yeah.

Well, the rat is lining up
at the starting line again.

I know, Dad.

I don't believe me.

I got a great little
radio show back there,

two kids that I love,

all the time in the world I
want to spend with them.

Honey?

Hmm?

Let's go back home.

Oh, Dad!

Listen, I couldn't sleep.
The truth has gotta come out.

I don't care what happens to my
gizzards. Listen... Arnold, Arnold!

Listen, pal. It's okay.
Morgan told me all about it.

And we're going back to
Portland! Isn't that great?

Wait. Don't touch me, woman!

Then I'll kiss him.

See? He doesn't mind
being kissed by a quarterback.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Different strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪