Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 22 - Arnold Faces Fatality - full transcript
Arnold's beloved goldfish Abraham passes away.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪
♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪
Well... Here we go.
Is your goldfish, Abraham,
joining us for breakfast?
Yeah. Hey, Adelaide, how
about makin' him a worm omelet?
- Worm omelet?
- Now, Arnold, even you
wouldn't eat that.
Don't bet on it.
Arnold, what is Abraham doing down
here? Today is a special day for him.
What's he gonna do... watch
Moby Dick on the 3:00 Movie?
That's dumb. He's
already seen it.
So what's the special
day? It's Abraham's birthday.
[Others Affirm] [Kimberly]
Happy birthday, Abraham.
I'm throwin' a little birthday party for
him later. A birthday party for a fish?
Abraham isn't just a fish. He's
part of the family. And I love him.
And I'm only inviting
his relatives... you guys.
Well, we're flattered. [Adelaide
And Kimberly] We'll be there, Arnold.
Definitely, Arnold. I guess we should
bring some presents for the birthday boy.
Yeah, but what do you get
for the fish that has everything?
Hey I got somethin'. How about
a subscription to Field & Stream?
Good thinking. Well, how
about a mermaid for his bowl?
A mermaid? He might get
interested in the half that's fish.
Hey, I got somethin'.
How about...
one of those waterproof
digital wristwatches...
the kind that has an
alarm to wake you up?
But Abraham can't wear a watch.
You're right. I'll
wear it for him.
Good idea. It'll save us the trouble
of teaching him how to tell time.
You know what? After breakfast I think
I'll go out and pick up some party stuff.
What a crazy party... a
fish as the guest of honor.
Yeah, usually they're
the main course.
[Singsong] I know someone that's
going to have a birthday party...
and his name is...
What are you doing, Abraham? I
didn't know you could float on your back.
Float on your back? Abraham,
uh, move your... move your gills.
Blow bubbles, please.
Do something like...
Make like a goldfish!
Can you believe this?
We're makin' a "Happy birthday,
Abraham" sign, and he can't even read.
Don't be too sure, Willis. Remember,
Abraham comes from a school of fish.
Daddy, really.
It's just awful.
It's really awful!
I didn't think it was that bad.
It's terrible. He's
gone, Mr. Drummond.
- Who's gone?
- Abraham. He's dead.
What happened? Dead?
Are you certain, Adelaide?
Positive. I did everything but
give him mouth-to-fish resuscitation.
Oh, poor Arnold. And he was so
excited about Abraham's birthday.
Yeah. What a time
for it to happen.
Arnold's out there buying party
stuff. How are we gonna tell him?
Well, I'll take care of that.
Well, we oughta get Abraham out of the
bowl before Arnold sees him. I'll go do it.
I'll help you. Poor fish.
I hope he'll be happy in
that big aquarium in the sky.
Arnold's really gonna take it
hard. He really loved that fish.
I remember the first day the boys moved in
here and Arnold brought Abraham with him.
I said I'd never seen a black
goldfish before. Yeah, and Arnold said,
"Hey, well, that's okay. Abraham's
never seen a rich white man before."
It's not gonna be easy
breaking the news to Arnold.
Ah, he'll get over it.
We've all lost pets.
Well, Arnold's case
is a little different.
He's losing someone
else he loves.
Don't forget, he lost both of
his parents before he came to us.
Yeah, that's right.
Isn't life funny, Daddy?
One minute you're alive and happy,
and the next minute you're gone.
You just never know, do you?
Nope. You just never know.
Hmm.
You know, something
just occurred to me.
I've never put Willis
and Arnold in my will.
Oh, Daddy, I don't like to
think about things like that.
Well, it's part of life,
honey. You have to.
Now that the boys
are part of the family,
I think it's only right
that they should
share equally. How
would you feel about that?
Well, fine. They're my
brothers. Of course they should.
I knew you'd say that.
You know somethin'? You're
okay. Thank you, Daddy.
But there's one condition.
Oh? What's that?
We never, ever want to
collect. [Chuckles] Oh, yes.
Yeah, fine. Send a copy of my
will over by messenger right away,
and I'll indicate the
changes I want to make.
Yeah. Good. Thanks, Tom. Bye.
Hi, Dad. Boy, are we gonna have a
party. I got hats and horns for all of us,
and we can play games like Pin the
Tail on the Whale and Spin the Fishbowl.
Arnold, will you come over here please?
There's somethin' I have to tell you.
Uh-oh. This sounds like one
of them serious, sit-down jobs.
Yeah, I'm afraid it is serious.
I know what it is. You do?
Yeah. Willis told
you that while he was
asleep, I stapled his
pajamas to the bedsheet.
No. He didn't tell me that.
Next time I'll staple
my mouth shut.
Arnold, look.
In life, flowers bloom and then
die. And the birds and the bees...
Wait a minute, you already told
me about the birds and the bees.
What happened... Did
someone get pollinated?
Arnold, I have to tell you
something important about Abraham.
[Phone Rings] Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hello. Dad?
I'm in my room on the other line. Have
you told Arnold about Abraham yet?
- No. Not yet.
- Great. Come on up here.
Kimberly and I solved the whole
problem. You don't have to tell him.
Why, that's wonderful news, uh,
Wil... uh... [Clears Throat] Mr. Wilson.
I'm glad you called. I'll
take care of that right away.
I have to take care of something, Arnold.
Will you excuse me for just a minute?
Uh, yeah. But Dad, what were
you gonna say about Abraham?
Oh. Well, that's
not your Abraham.
I was gonna say something
about, uh, Abraham Lincoln.
Lincoln. What about him?
Well, uh, like the flowers
and the birds and the bees,
the Lincoln penny
is about to die out.
Should I be upset about that?
Well, we all should.
Here. You keep this.
They're gonna be very valuable...
even more so if you shine 'em up.
Rub 'em on the carpet.
Okay.
Sorry, Mr. Lincoln. Looks like
you're gonna be rubbed out again.
Hey. You caught me just in time.
What's your great idea? Oh, it's perfect.
All we have to do is get another
fish that looks like Abraham,
and Arnold will never
know the difference.
- Isn't that a good idea?
- It's terrific, but are you
sure you can find another one?
- Aren't black goldfish rare?
- Oh, not anymore. All
the pet shops are integrated.
You should take Abraham
with you, so you're sure...
to get the right size
and color and everything.
Okay, Willis. We'll get a plastic
bag and then sneak out the back door.
Wait a minute. Won't Arnold
notice that Abraham is missing?
Good point. We can't very
well tell him his fish is out joggin'.
Well, what we'll tell him
is that you took Abraham...
to get a new fishbowl
for his birthday.
Ah, that's a great idea, Daddy.
Oh, I'm very good
at fishy excuses.
Just a little goldfish
giggle there.
- Very little.
- [No Audible Dialogue]
What's the matter, Arnold...
Did you lose something?
No, I'm shining pennies.
Don't you remember?
Pennies? Pennies... Oh,
right. How are they coming?
Dad, are you all right?
Why, of course
I'm all right. Why?
Well, you got me shinin' pennies,
and you don't even remember it.
Are you going through seniority?
- Oh, you mean "senility."
- You goin' through both of 'em?
No, Arnold. I haven't forgotten.
I was making a comment on the
Lincoln penny and how it's disappearing...
because of... of inflation
and fiscal mismanagement...
and all sorts of
financial gobbledygook.
Uh, Dad. Maybe you oughta lie
down for a while. Why, Arnold?
Because your gobbledy is
gettin' gookier by the minute.
Hi, Abraham. This is for your birthday
party, but I can't tell you what's in 'em.
How does it feel
to be a year older?
Abraham, where are you?
He's gone. He's been fishnapped!
[Doorbell Chimes]
- Yes?
- I've got some legal documents
for Philip Drummond.
Oh, fine. I'll take them. Would
you mind giving me your signature?
Not at all. But if you want my phone
number, forget it. You're too old for me.
You can't win 'em all.
[Door Closes] Who
was that, Adelaide?
Uh, some legal documents,
Mr. Drummond. Oh, thank you.
[Arnold] Dad! Dad!
Abraham's gone.
He's been fishnapped!
Call the C.I.A., the F.B.I.,
the Fulton Fish Market!
Now calm down, Arnold.
They've gotta throw out a dragnet...
or, better than that, a fishnet!
I told you he'd notice. Now
we're gonna have to tell him.
- You were right.
- Tell me what?
Well, it's gonna ruin the surprise
that Kimberly and Willis have for you.
See, they took Abraham to the pet store
to get him a new fishbowl for his birthday.
Oh, wow! A new fishbowl.
Hey, that's a relief.
I'm glad they took him along. He
doesn't get outta the house much.
Listen, remember to be very
surprised when you see the fishbowl...
so you won't disappoint
your brother and sister.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uh, how's this?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Is that a new bowl for
Abraham? Oh, my, my, my.
Oh! Arnold.
Oh! Arnold.
Oh! Arnold!
Oh.
Arnold, it's only a fishbowl.
It's not the Irish Sweepstakes.
You're right. I gotta stop
watchin' Family Feud.
I'd better get
back to the kitchen.
I'm baking Abraham some
cookies that look like a lady goldfish.
- How can you tell
the difference?
- I can't, but the goldfish can.
[Laughs] That's an oldie
but a goody. [Laughs]
Arnold, why don't you
make a nice birthday card
for Abraham while I
go look for my glasses.
Good idea, Dad.
Hmm. I think I'll write
Abraham a poem.
"You're not a dog,
"and you're not a cat.
"You're not a hamster
and you're not a rat.
"So I give you
this birthday wish:
To Abraham... The coolest fish."
Hmm. Hmm.
"Last Will and Testament
of Philip Drummond"?
Dad's will?
Oh, no.
So that's why he's
been talkin' about dying.
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Hello, God? Remember me...
Arnold Jackson, the little kid that
moved from Harlem to Park Avenue?
Well, I'm sorry I only call
you when I'm in trouble.
I guess you're kinda
like the Auto Club.
Well, you know that my real papa and mama
are up there in heaven with you, and...
now it looks like my new dad is
plannin' to drop in on all of you.
And I know, because he's been talkin'
about dying and he's makin' out his will.
And, God, I don't really like to
bother you, because you got a...
A lot on your mind with
Iran and Afghanistan...
and New Jersey.
But please, God, don't let
him die. Please. I love him.
Can I get you a cup of coffee or something,
Mr. Drummond? No thanks, Adelaide.
I don't want to bother
you. No, it's all right.
I'm just going over my will. I
want to make a few changes.
Oh. Well, not to be morbid, but
could you put me down for the blender?
You got it.
I'll just cross out the hundred
thousand I was gonna leave you.
Me and my big mouth.
Hi.
Hi. From the look on your face,
Willis, I'd say you didn't have any luck.
Nope. We went to
a couple of places,
but they were either out of black goldfish,
or they didn't have the right size.
Kimberly's tryin'
one more place.
Gosh, and we already
told Arnold that you went
out shopping with Abraham
to get him a new bowl.
Well, if Kimberly doesn't come
back with a new Abraham soon,
I will just have to
tell Arnold the truth.
Would you like me to tell him,
Mr. Drummond? I can handle bad news.
I've been watching Days
of Our Lives for 10 years.
Maybe I oughta be
the one to tell him,
'cause I was there when
he first got Abraham.
I used to sit up nights
with Arnold when Abraham
was growing up, and
he got sore scales...
and swollen gills and
a bad case of "ick."
- "Ick"?
- To fish,
it's the same as acne.
Well, thank you, Willis.
Thank you, Adelaide, but I really think
it's my responsibility to tell Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. What's happenin'?
Hey. What's the matter, Arnold?
Willis, I hate you.
- Hate me? What did I do?
- You didn't do anything.
Arnold, you better stop
using Kimberly's hair dryer.
It's blowing out your brain.
Listen, Willis. You
don't understand. I gotta
hate you, because
everything I love dies.
- Oh. So you know about it, huh?
- Yeah. And you know too?
Yeah, well, it ain't that bad.
We can just get another one.
I don't think I ever
want another one again.
Sure you will. Arnold, the
next one will be even better.
It won't just sleep, eat
and bug his eyes out.
Willis, I can't believe what
I'm hearin'. You're heartless.
Come on, Arnold. You'll get over
it. We can just go pick one out.
There's plenty of black ones.
But I still love the white one.
White one? What do you mean?
I mean Dad. He took
us in and adopted us,
and now he's... dying.
Dad dyin'? Are you
crazy? No. I saw his will.
Just because a guy is making out
his will doesn't mean he's dying, Arnold.
Yes, it does. Don't you
watch TV? When they
make out a will, that's
it. They goin'. Dead.
Come on, Arnold.
Dad's not dyin'.
- Yes, he is, Willis. He's goin' to heaven.
- He's not goin' to heaven.
Well, he's on his way...
Whichever direction he's headed.
Believe me, Arnold.
You've got this all wrong.
Willis, don't give me that double-talk.
You just said to me, "So you know, huh?"
And what did you mean when you
said, "We'll get another one, a black one"?
What did I mean?
Whew. I meant
that plant over there.
You see? It's dyin'.
And I figure, if we got a black
one, you couldn't tell if it was dead.
- Listen, Willis. Thi...
- Come on, Arnold.
I'll prove to you
Dad isn't dyin'.
Dad, will you settle something
for Arnold? Sure. What's that?
Dad, are you... dying?
Dying?
Well, not so I've noticed. Arnold,
where did you get a notion like that?
Well, first you were
talkin' about flowers dying,
then pennies dying,
and then I saw your will.
I am happy to tell you, I
have never felt better in my life.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong
impression. Yeah, but what about the will?
Well, wills are made
out by healthy people
too, you know... to
protect the ones they love.
I love you two
guys and Kimberly,
and if something
unexpected should happen, I
want to be sure you're
all well provided for.
How much did you leave us?
Arnold, it doesn't
matter. The point is,
Dad's not dyin', and
that's all that counts.
Yeah. [Kisses]
Thanks, God. That's
another one I owe ya.
Dad, if you're not dying,
how come you started
talkin' about dying
in the first place?
Mmm.
Listen, Arnold.
Eventually, everything
dies: people, flowers...
Wait a minute. I'll
go get my pennies.
No. Well, wait a minute
Arnold. You don't need pennies.
You're old enough now to,
uh, face certain facts about life.
What is on your mind, Dad?
Arnold, what I wanted to
talk to you about is this...
[Rings] Sorry.
- Hello.
- Hey, Daddy. Did you tell
Arnold about Abraham yet?
- No, I haven't.
- Well, don't. I'm in the kitchen.
- I have a perfect twin
of Abraham. Bring Arnold in.
- Oh, that's wonderful news,
Mr. Wilson.
Yeah, thanks for
calling again. Bye.
Okay, Dad. What's so
important that you have to tell me?
All right, Arnold. "Mr. Wilson"
is really Kimberly and Willis.
They got the fishbowl for Abraham.
They're waiting in the kitchen.
Now remember. You're supposed to
act surprised. Come on. Right on. Let's go.
Okay.
Surprise! Surprise!
- [Blowing Noisemakers]
- Oh, wow. Look at that.
Oh, I can't believe it. Praise the Lord!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah. Have mercy.
That... That'll
handle it, Arnold.
What do you say we get this birthday
party on the road. Yeah. All right.
[All] ♪ Happy birthday to
you Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear
Abraham ♪ [Blows Noisemaker]
[Harmonizing] ♪ Happy
birthday to you ♪♪
[Laughing] Would you like
to say a few words, Arnold?
I'd like to say three
words: That's not Abraham.
Why would you say a
thing like that? [Chattering]
Why, sure it is, Arnold. No way. Don't
you think I'd recognize my best friend?
Abraham shakes
his tail like this,
not like this.
Well, he's a year older, and maybe
he can't shake it like he used to.
I know I can't.
Uh-uh. That's not Abraham.
You're right, Arnold. That is
not Abraham. Well, where is he?
Well, I'm afraid
that Abraham... died.
What you talkin' about, Dad?
I'm sorry, Arnold,
but this morning
Adelaide found Abraham
floating in his bowl.
Floating? Y-You sure
he wasn't sleeping?
Sometimes he sneaks
in a nap after breakfast.
No. I'm sorry, honey. I tried,
but I couldn't wake him up.
Well, where is he?
Here he is, Arnold.
Poor Abraham.
Instead of a birthday party,
he's gonna get a funeral.
♪♪ [Brass Band:
Jazz Funeral Dirge]
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪♪ [Fades]
Friends, we are
gathered here together...
to pay our last
respects to Abraham,
a goldfish who swam his
way into all of our hearts.
I know I speak for all of us
when I say, he'll be missed.
And I'm sure that his closest
friends would like to say a few words.
Abraham, you were the nicest,
cutest, warmest fish I ever knew,
and I'll never forget you.
Good-bye, Abraham, old friend.
Till I met you, I hated
fish... even fried.
What's happenin', Abraham?
You were a cool dude with a
lot of class, and I really liked you.
Good night, sweet fish.
[Sighs]
Good-bye, Abraham.
I'll never forget you:
how you used to stare at
me when I stared at you;
how, when I put my nose against
the bowl, you'd try to swim up it;
how you used to make bubbles when
you wanted me to change your water.
I'll miss you.
Good-bye, old pal.
[Arnold] Those who come from
the sea, shall return to the sea!
[Toilet Flushing]
[Kimberly] Hey, that was a
beautiful service, Arnold. It sure was.
One of the nicest fish
funerals I've ever attended.
I'm sure you're gonna
be happy with your new
fish, Arnold. He's
got a lot of personality.
Yeah, he is a cute
little guy. I hope he
doesn't mind if I put
a little sign in his bowl.
A sign? What would it say?
"Abraham swam here."
I now christen
thee "Abraham Jr."
♪♪ [Brass Band: Fast Dixieland]
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Mmm ♪♪
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to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪
♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪
♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪
Well... Here we go.
Is your goldfish, Abraham,
joining us for breakfast?
Yeah. Hey, Adelaide, how
about makin' him a worm omelet?
- Worm omelet?
- Now, Arnold, even you
wouldn't eat that.
Don't bet on it.
Arnold, what is Abraham doing down
here? Today is a special day for him.
What's he gonna do... watch
Moby Dick on the 3:00 Movie?
That's dumb. He's
already seen it.
So what's the special
day? It's Abraham's birthday.
[Others Affirm] [Kimberly]
Happy birthday, Abraham.
I'm throwin' a little birthday party for
him later. A birthday party for a fish?
Abraham isn't just a fish. He's
part of the family. And I love him.
And I'm only inviting
his relatives... you guys.
Well, we're flattered. [Adelaide
And Kimberly] We'll be there, Arnold.
Definitely, Arnold. I guess we should
bring some presents for the birthday boy.
Yeah, but what do you get
for the fish that has everything?
Hey I got somethin'. How about
a subscription to Field & Stream?
Good thinking. Well, how
about a mermaid for his bowl?
A mermaid? He might get
interested in the half that's fish.
Hey, I got somethin'.
How about...
one of those waterproof
digital wristwatches...
the kind that has an
alarm to wake you up?
But Abraham can't wear a watch.
You're right. I'll
wear it for him.
Good idea. It'll save us the trouble
of teaching him how to tell time.
You know what? After breakfast I think
I'll go out and pick up some party stuff.
What a crazy party... a
fish as the guest of honor.
Yeah, usually they're
the main course.
[Singsong] I know someone that's
going to have a birthday party...
and his name is...
What are you doing, Abraham? I
didn't know you could float on your back.
Float on your back? Abraham,
uh, move your... move your gills.
Blow bubbles, please.
Do something like...
Make like a goldfish!
Can you believe this?
We're makin' a "Happy birthday,
Abraham" sign, and he can't even read.
Don't be too sure, Willis. Remember,
Abraham comes from a school of fish.
Daddy, really.
It's just awful.
It's really awful!
I didn't think it was that bad.
It's terrible. He's
gone, Mr. Drummond.
- Who's gone?
- Abraham. He's dead.
What happened? Dead?
Are you certain, Adelaide?
Positive. I did everything but
give him mouth-to-fish resuscitation.
Oh, poor Arnold. And he was so
excited about Abraham's birthday.
Yeah. What a time
for it to happen.
Arnold's out there buying party
stuff. How are we gonna tell him?
Well, I'll take care of that.
Well, we oughta get Abraham out of the
bowl before Arnold sees him. I'll go do it.
I'll help you. Poor fish.
I hope he'll be happy in
that big aquarium in the sky.
Arnold's really gonna take it
hard. He really loved that fish.
I remember the first day the boys moved in
here and Arnold brought Abraham with him.
I said I'd never seen a black
goldfish before. Yeah, and Arnold said,
"Hey, well, that's okay. Abraham's
never seen a rich white man before."
It's not gonna be easy
breaking the news to Arnold.
Ah, he'll get over it.
We've all lost pets.
Well, Arnold's case
is a little different.
He's losing someone
else he loves.
Don't forget, he lost both of
his parents before he came to us.
Yeah, that's right.
Isn't life funny, Daddy?
One minute you're alive and happy,
and the next minute you're gone.
You just never know, do you?
Nope. You just never know.
Hmm.
You know, something
just occurred to me.
I've never put Willis
and Arnold in my will.
Oh, Daddy, I don't like to
think about things like that.
Well, it's part of life,
honey. You have to.
Now that the boys
are part of the family,
I think it's only right
that they should
share equally. How
would you feel about that?
Well, fine. They're my
brothers. Of course they should.
I knew you'd say that.
You know somethin'? You're
okay. Thank you, Daddy.
But there's one condition.
Oh? What's that?
We never, ever want to
collect. [Chuckles] Oh, yes.
Yeah, fine. Send a copy of my
will over by messenger right away,
and I'll indicate the
changes I want to make.
Yeah. Good. Thanks, Tom. Bye.
Hi, Dad. Boy, are we gonna have a
party. I got hats and horns for all of us,
and we can play games like Pin the
Tail on the Whale and Spin the Fishbowl.
Arnold, will you come over here please?
There's somethin' I have to tell you.
Uh-oh. This sounds like one
of them serious, sit-down jobs.
Yeah, I'm afraid it is serious.
I know what it is. You do?
Yeah. Willis told
you that while he was
asleep, I stapled his
pajamas to the bedsheet.
No. He didn't tell me that.
Next time I'll staple
my mouth shut.
Arnold, look.
In life, flowers bloom and then
die. And the birds and the bees...
Wait a minute, you already told
me about the birds and the bees.
What happened... Did
someone get pollinated?
Arnold, I have to tell you
something important about Abraham.
[Phone Rings] Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hello. Dad?
I'm in my room on the other line. Have
you told Arnold about Abraham yet?
- No. Not yet.
- Great. Come on up here.
Kimberly and I solved the whole
problem. You don't have to tell him.
Why, that's wonderful news, uh,
Wil... uh... [Clears Throat] Mr. Wilson.
I'm glad you called. I'll
take care of that right away.
I have to take care of something, Arnold.
Will you excuse me for just a minute?
Uh, yeah. But Dad, what were
you gonna say about Abraham?
Oh. Well, that's
not your Abraham.
I was gonna say something
about, uh, Abraham Lincoln.
Lincoln. What about him?
Well, uh, like the flowers
and the birds and the bees,
the Lincoln penny
is about to die out.
Should I be upset about that?
Well, we all should.
Here. You keep this.
They're gonna be very valuable...
even more so if you shine 'em up.
Rub 'em on the carpet.
Okay.
Sorry, Mr. Lincoln. Looks like
you're gonna be rubbed out again.
Hey. You caught me just in time.
What's your great idea? Oh, it's perfect.
All we have to do is get another
fish that looks like Abraham,
and Arnold will never
know the difference.
- Isn't that a good idea?
- It's terrific, but are you
sure you can find another one?
- Aren't black goldfish rare?
- Oh, not anymore. All
the pet shops are integrated.
You should take Abraham
with you, so you're sure...
to get the right size
and color and everything.
Okay, Willis. We'll get a plastic
bag and then sneak out the back door.
Wait a minute. Won't Arnold
notice that Abraham is missing?
Good point. We can't very
well tell him his fish is out joggin'.
Well, what we'll tell him
is that you took Abraham...
to get a new fishbowl
for his birthday.
Ah, that's a great idea, Daddy.
Oh, I'm very good
at fishy excuses.
Just a little goldfish
giggle there.
- Very little.
- [No Audible Dialogue]
What's the matter, Arnold...
Did you lose something?
No, I'm shining pennies.
Don't you remember?
Pennies? Pennies... Oh,
right. How are they coming?
Dad, are you all right?
Why, of course
I'm all right. Why?
Well, you got me shinin' pennies,
and you don't even remember it.
Are you going through seniority?
- Oh, you mean "senility."
- You goin' through both of 'em?
No, Arnold. I haven't forgotten.
I was making a comment on the
Lincoln penny and how it's disappearing...
because of... of inflation
and fiscal mismanagement...
and all sorts of
financial gobbledygook.
Uh, Dad. Maybe you oughta lie
down for a while. Why, Arnold?
Because your gobbledy is
gettin' gookier by the minute.
Hi, Abraham. This is for your birthday
party, but I can't tell you what's in 'em.
How does it feel
to be a year older?
Abraham, where are you?
He's gone. He's been fishnapped!
[Doorbell Chimes]
- Yes?
- I've got some legal documents
for Philip Drummond.
Oh, fine. I'll take them. Would
you mind giving me your signature?
Not at all. But if you want my phone
number, forget it. You're too old for me.
You can't win 'em all.
[Door Closes] Who
was that, Adelaide?
Uh, some legal documents,
Mr. Drummond. Oh, thank you.
[Arnold] Dad! Dad!
Abraham's gone.
He's been fishnapped!
Call the C.I.A., the F.B.I.,
the Fulton Fish Market!
Now calm down, Arnold.
They've gotta throw out a dragnet...
or, better than that, a fishnet!
I told you he'd notice. Now
we're gonna have to tell him.
- You were right.
- Tell me what?
Well, it's gonna ruin the surprise
that Kimberly and Willis have for you.
See, they took Abraham to the pet store
to get him a new fishbowl for his birthday.
Oh, wow! A new fishbowl.
Hey, that's a relief.
I'm glad they took him along. He
doesn't get outta the house much.
Listen, remember to be very
surprised when you see the fishbowl...
so you won't disappoint
your brother and sister.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uh, how's this?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Is that a new bowl for
Abraham? Oh, my, my, my.
Oh! Arnold.
Oh! Arnold.
Oh! Arnold!
Oh.
Arnold, it's only a fishbowl.
It's not the Irish Sweepstakes.
You're right. I gotta stop
watchin' Family Feud.
I'd better get
back to the kitchen.
I'm baking Abraham some
cookies that look like a lady goldfish.
- How can you tell
the difference?
- I can't, but the goldfish can.
[Laughs] That's an oldie
but a goody. [Laughs]
Arnold, why don't you
make a nice birthday card
for Abraham while I
go look for my glasses.
Good idea, Dad.
Hmm. I think I'll write
Abraham a poem.
"You're not a dog,
"and you're not a cat.
"You're not a hamster
and you're not a rat.
"So I give you
this birthday wish:
To Abraham... The coolest fish."
Hmm. Hmm.
"Last Will and Testament
of Philip Drummond"?
Dad's will?
Oh, no.
So that's why he's
been talkin' about dying.
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Hello, God? Remember me...
Arnold Jackson, the little kid that
moved from Harlem to Park Avenue?
Well, I'm sorry I only call
you when I'm in trouble.
I guess you're kinda
like the Auto Club.
Well, you know that my real papa and mama
are up there in heaven with you, and...
now it looks like my new dad is
plannin' to drop in on all of you.
And I know, because he's been talkin'
about dying and he's makin' out his will.
And, God, I don't really like to
bother you, because you got a...
A lot on your mind with
Iran and Afghanistan...
and New Jersey.
But please, God, don't let
him die. Please. I love him.
Can I get you a cup of coffee or something,
Mr. Drummond? No thanks, Adelaide.
I don't want to bother
you. No, it's all right.
I'm just going over my will. I
want to make a few changes.
Oh. Well, not to be morbid, but
could you put me down for the blender?
You got it.
I'll just cross out the hundred
thousand I was gonna leave you.
Me and my big mouth.
Hi.
Hi. From the look on your face,
Willis, I'd say you didn't have any luck.
Nope. We went to
a couple of places,
but they were either out of black goldfish,
or they didn't have the right size.
Kimberly's tryin'
one more place.
Gosh, and we already
told Arnold that you went
out shopping with Abraham
to get him a new bowl.
Well, if Kimberly doesn't come
back with a new Abraham soon,
I will just have to
tell Arnold the truth.
Would you like me to tell him,
Mr. Drummond? I can handle bad news.
I've been watching Days
of Our Lives for 10 years.
Maybe I oughta be
the one to tell him,
'cause I was there when
he first got Abraham.
I used to sit up nights
with Arnold when Abraham
was growing up, and
he got sore scales...
and swollen gills and
a bad case of "ick."
- "Ick"?
- To fish,
it's the same as acne.
Well, thank you, Willis.
Thank you, Adelaide, but I really think
it's my responsibility to tell Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. What's happenin'?
Hey. What's the matter, Arnold?
Willis, I hate you.
- Hate me? What did I do?
- You didn't do anything.
Arnold, you better stop
using Kimberly's hair dryer.
It's blowing out your brain.
Listen, Willis. You
don't understand. I gotta
hate you, because
everything I love dies.
- Oh. So you know about it, huh?
- Yeah. And you know too?
Yeah, well, it ain't that bad.
We can just get another one.
I don't think I ever
want another one again.
Sure you will. Arnold, the
next one will be even better.
It won't just sleep, eat
and bug his eyes out.
Willis, I can't believe what
I'm hearin'. You're heartless.
Come on, Arnold. You'll get over
it. We can just go pick one out.
There's plenty of black ones.
But I still love the white one.
White one? What do you mean?
I mean Dad. He took
us in and adopted us,
and now he's... dying.
Dad dyin'? Are you
crazy? No. I saw his will.
Just because a guy is making out
his will doesn't mean he's dying, Arnold.
Yes, it does. Don't you
watch TV? When they
make out a will, that's
it. They goin'. Dead.
Come on, Arnold.
Dad's not dyin'.
- Yes, he is, Willis. He's goin' to heaven.
- He's not goin' to heaven.
Well, he's on his way...
Whichever direction he's headed.
Believe me, Arnold.
You've got this all wrong.
Willis, don't give me that double-talk.
You just said to me, "So you know, huh?"
And what did you mean when you
said, "We'll get another one, a black one"?
What did I mean?
Whew. I meant
that plant over there.
You see? It's dyin'.
And I figure, if we got a black
one, you couldn't tell if it was dead.
- Listen, Willis. Thi...
- Come on, Arnold.
I'll prove to you
Dad isn't dyin'.
Dad, will you settle something
for Arnold? Sure. What's that?
Dad, are you... dying?
Dying?
Well, not so I've noticed. Arnold,
where did you get a notion like that?
Well, first you were
talkin' about flowers dying,
then pennies dying,
and then I saw your will.
I am happy to tell you, I
have never felt better in my life.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong
impression. Yeah, but what about the will?
Well, wills are made
out by healthy people
too, you know... to
protect the ones they love.
I love you two
guys and Kimberly,
and if something
unexpected should happen, I
want to be sure you're
all well provided for.
How much did you leave us?
Arnold, it doesn't
matter. The point is,
Dad's not dyin', and
that's all that counts.
Yeah. [Kisses]
Thanks, God. That's
another one I owe ya.
Dad, if you're not dying,
how come you started
talkin' about dying
in the first place?
Mmm.
Listen, Arnold.
Eventually, everything
dies: people, flowers...
Wait a minute. I'll
go get my pennies.
No. Well, wait a minute
Arnold. You don't need pennies.
You're old enough now to,
uh, face certain facts about life.
What is on your mind, Dad?
Arnold, what I wanted to
talk to you about is this...
[Rings] Sorry.
- Hello.
- Hey, Daddy. Did you tell
Arnold about Abraham yet?
- No, I haven't.
- Well, don't. I'm in the kitchen.
- I have a perfect twin
of Abraham. Bring Arnold in.
- Oh, that's wonderful news,
Mr. Wilson.
Yeah, thanks for
calling again. Bye.
Okay, Dad. What's so
important that you have to tell me?
All right, Arnold. "Mr. Wilson"
is really Kimberly and Willis.
They got the fishbowl for Abraham.
They're waiting in the kitchen.
Now remember. You're supposed to
act surprised. Come on. Right on. Let's go.
Okay.
Surprise! Surprise!
- [Blowing Noisemakers]
- Oh, wow. Look at that.
Oh, I can't believe it. Praise the Lord!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah. Have mercy.
That... That'll
handle it, Arnold.
What do you say we get this birthday
party on the road. Yeah. All right.
[All] ♪ Happy birthday to
you Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear
Abraham ♪ [Blows Noisemaker]
[Harmonizing] ♪ Happy
birthday to you ♪♪
[Laughing] Would you like
to say a few words, Arnold?
I'd like to say three
words: That's not Abraham.
Why would you say a
thing like that? [Chattering]
Why, sure it is, Arnold. No way. Don't
you think I'd recognize my best friend?
Abraham shakes
his tail like this,
not like this.
Well, he's a year older, and maybe
he can't shake it like he used to.
I know I can't.
Uh-uh. That's not Abraham.
You're right, Arnold. That is
not Abraham. Well, where is he?
Well, I'm afraid
that Abraham... died.
What you talkin' about, Dad?
I'm sorry, Arnold,
but this morning
Adelaide found Abraham
floating in his bowl.
Floating? Y-You sure
he wasn't sleeping?
Sometimes he sneaks
in a nap after breakfast.
No. I'm sorry, honey. I tried,
but I couldn't wake him up.
Well, where is he?
Here he is, Arnold.
Poor Abraham.
Instead of a birthday party,
he's gonna get a funeral.
♪♪ [Brass Band:
Jazz Funeral Dirge]
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪♪ [Fades]
Friends, we are
gathered here together...
to pay our last
respects to Abraham,
a goldfish who swam his
way into all of our hearts.
I know I speak for all of us
when I say, he'll be missed.
And I'm sure that his closest
friends would like to say a few words.
Abraham, you were the nicest,
cutest, warmest fish I ever knew,
and I'll never forget you.
Good-bye, Abraham, old friend.
Till I met you, I hated
fish... even fried.
What's happenin', Abraham?
You were a cool dude with a
lot of class, and I really liked you.
Good night, sweet fish.
[Sighs]
Good-bye, Abraham.
I'll never forget you:
how you used to stare at
me when I stared at you;
how, when I put my nose against
the bowl, you'd try to swim up it;
how you used to make bubbles when
you wanted me to change your water.
I'll miss you.
Good-bye, old pal.
[Arnold] Those who come from
the sea, shall return to the sea!
[Toilet Flushing]
[Kimberly] Hey, that was a
beautiful service, Arnold. It sure was.
One of the nicest fish
funerals I've ever attended.
I'm sure you're gonna
be happy with your new
fish, Arnold. He's
got a lot of personality.
Yeah, he is a cute
little guy. I hope he
doesn't mind if I put
a little sign in his bowl.
A sign? What would it say?
"Abraham swam here."
I now christen
thee "Abraham Jr."
♪♪ [Brass Band: Fast Dixieland]
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪
♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪
♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪
♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪
♪ Mmm ♪♪
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