Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Spanking - full transcript

Arnold is caught throwing water bombs off the balcony and Mr. Drummond feels that a fitting punishment is a spanking.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter that you got



♪ Not a lot, so what?

♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes

♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪

Arnold, you in the bathroom?

Arnold, are you in there?

No, I'm not in there.

Come on. Get out of there.

What happened to the
plastic bags I put under here?

I threw them away.

You've been warned about
making those water bombs.



Water bombs? I just had
the plastic bags under there

just in case I wanna pack
a sandwich during the night.

What you ought to pack
is a cork in your mouth.

Hi, guys. Hey, am I
interrupting anything?

No. We're just sitting
here resisting temptation.

That's good.

That means you deserve
the present I've got for you.

A present.

Oh, boy.

Thanks, Mr. Drummond.
This telescope is out of sight.

I'm sure you boys will
have lots of fun with it.

Yeah. That's for me.
A fun kid in a fun city.

You'll find it's
educational, too.

From way up here, you can
see all the stars and planets

and all the other
heavenly bodies.

Yeah, there's one
crossing the street right now.

Arnold, take a
look at that girl.

Who cares about girls? I
ain't even had a dog yet.

Well, enjoy yourselves, fellas.

I'll be in my study helping
Kimberly with her homework.

Thanks, Mr. Drummond. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Let me have a look through
that long eye, short eye.

Wow.

Man, am I gonna
be able to use this.

What're you doing with that?

To make a water bomb.

Arnold, Mr. Drummond warned
you about those water bombs.

Yeah, but I can't help
myself. I'm hooked.

That's fattening.
Oh, I don't care.

(SINGING)

Can I help you, Arnold?

No, I'll manage.

A-ha. Yeah.

Arnold, what are
you doing, Arnold?

Oh, nothing.

And what are you planning
on doing with that nothing?

What was that again?

I'll rephrase the question.

Why are you making that
nothing into a water bomb?

Water bomb?

(LAUGHING)

Water bomb.

Oh, this ain't no
bomb, Mrs. Garrett.

I'm gonna put... I'm gonna
put my fish Abraham in this,

while I'm cleaning his bowl.

Oh, I see.

You expect me to believe that?

You got something
against clean goldfish?

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

You may be a size eight, but when
it comes to trouble, you're a 42 long.

All right. You empty that bag this
minute or I'll have to tell Mr. Drummond.

Go on!

All right, Mrs. Garrett.

Do you realize...

I wonder...

Okay, Willis.

You be the navigator
and I'll be the bombardier.

You're gonna get
yourself into trouble.

That never stopped me before.

Yeah, but while you're looking,
find yourself a good lawyer.

Uh-oh. That's the maintenance
man on the balcony below us.

Bombs away.

See you later.

Where you going?
Where you ain't.

I don't wanna be around when
they lay the charge on you.

What charge?

Assault with a wet weapon.

You going somewhere, Willis?

As fast as possible.

You enjoying your
telescope, Arnold?

Oh, yes, sir.

Just point it and you can't
miss what you're looking at.

I'm sure glad you're
making good use of it.

Yeah, it sure improved my aim...

In life.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it, Mrs. Garrett.

Afternoon, Mr. Drummond.

Henry, you got
caught in a shower.

Yes, sir. And the shower
came in a plastic bag.

Uh-oh.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Some people
hiccup, I "uh-oh, uh-oh".

It's a family curse.

There've been several
near misses in the past,

and they all come from
your balcony, Mr. Drummond.

I'm sure they did.

I'm very sorry that this
happened to you, Henry,

and I can see to it that
it doesn't happen again.

Here. Will this
cover the damage?

Oh. Oh, sure it will.

Usually I get hit by
pigeons, and they don't tip.

What's new in the world of
business and finance, Arnold?

Say what?

The world of finance.

I'm very glad to see you
reading The Wall Street Journal.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Life ain't
just comic strips, you know.

Tell me, what do you
think of today's market?

I think the price of
tomatoes is too high.

Arnold, one day you may be
an inscrutable financial genius,

but right now you are
completely scrutable.

Did you notice anything unusual
about Henry, the maintenance man?

Yeah, he was wet.

I guess the man sweats a lot.

Yeah, and this time he
certainly had a lot of help.

Did you do it? Do what?

You know what.

Henry was hit from above
with a bag full of water.

No.

Maybe it wasn't a bag.
Maybe a waterbed exploded.

I doubt it, since
it's well known

that there's a mad water
bomber in this building.

In fact, right in
this apartment.

Well, you shouldn't go accusing
Willis with nothing you can't prove.

You're right. You're right.

By the way, did you know it
was the maintenance man you hit?

Oh, yeah. That wasn't
just a lucky... Uh-oh.

I see you've caught Mrs.
Garrett's family curse.

I better do something about my
mouth. It's open 24 hours a day.

Now, you've been warned
about water bombs three times.

Only twice. I got
one more coming.

Listen, Arnold,

now, what you did
was very dangerous.

You could hurt somebody very seriously
by dropping things from above like that.

I didn't mean to hurt
anybody. I was just having fun.

We shouldn't have fun at
somebody else's expense.

Now I'm sorry, but this time
you're gonna be punished.

Oh, that ain't fair. Weren't
you ever a little kid?

I can't remember that far back.

Besides, we weren't
talking about me.

Well, let's make it even and
don't talk about me, either.

I'm sure that everybody else in
this family would agree with me

that you should be punished.

I'll show you. Kimberly?

Mrs. Garrett, would you
come in here, please?

Will this take long, Mr. Drummond?
I got a problem with the turkey.

What's the problem?

To get it to sit in the oven
three hours with its legs crossed.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It isn't that funny.

Just a joke to lighten
up the mood in here.

How did you know
it needed lightening?

Uh-oh.

Sorry, Daddy. I was on
the phone. What's up?

Well, Arnold dropped a water
bomb on the maintenance man.

Now, I warned
him about it before,

and I promised him he'd
be punished if he did it again.

He doesn't have to
keep his promise to me.

Am I being an
unreasonable father?

No, no, I agree with
you, Mr. Drummond.

So do I, Daddy.

(GROANS)

How about no desserts
for a couple of nights?

No desserts? I just sprinkled
the man, I didn't drown him.

Why not send him to bed
without his dinner tonight?

No, not good. I'm such a
pushover, I'd sneak up food to him.

I got an idea.

I'll bet you have. What?

How about sending me to a horror
movie? I just hate it when I'm scared.

Arnold, I'm afraid
there's just one solution.

This calls for a spanking.

A spanking?

There ain't enough
of me to spank.

Daddy, spankings are barbaric.
They're right out of the dark ages.

History's been very popular
right up until this year.

If you really wanna
torture poor little Arnold,

why don't you just put him
on a rack and stretch him?

Yes, and when you're through, you'll
have a long, thin basketball player.

No, thanks.

I'd rather try it
mother nature's way.

All right, Arnold.

You go up to your room
and I'll deal with you directly.

Yeah. Then I won't be
able to sit on my directly.

Arnold.

Look, I don't like this, either. I
don't like the idea of spanking you.

That ain't one of
your best ideas.

I'm sorry, but that's the
one we're gonna go with.

Upstairs for your spanking.

Will you please stop looking
at me as if I'm Attila the Hun?

I didn't say a word.

But I congratulate
you on reading lips.

Daddy, please don't spank him.
You can break his tender little bones.

Don't worry. Where I'm gonna
spank him, he doesn't have any bones.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Arnold, where are you?

He's not in there.

Who are you trying to fool?

He's not in there.

He's not?

Arnold, where are you hiding?

Come out and take your
punishment like a man.

Are you standing under the bed?

Daddy, look here. A note.

What?

Oh, you're a good little bird.
You can uncross your legs now.

Hi. Hi.

Anything going on that an
innocent brother should know about?

Oh, Arnold the mad
bomber has struck again.

He dropped a bag of water on
Henry, the maintenance man.

Uh-oh.

There's a lot of
that going around.

Hey, everybody. We
found a note from Arnold.

A note? PHILIP: Yeah.

What did it say?

It says, "Willis, please
cover my goldfish at night.

"He can't sleep with the lights on.
I'm running away. I'll miss you all.

"Even Mr. Drummond. Arnold."

Arnold ran away? Why would
my little brother run away?

EDNA: Oh, my dear. Where could he
have gone? WILLIS: Where could he be?

That poor little baby.
He's got to be somewhere.

Oh, we've got to find him.

Well, if you see him, could
you sit on him and call me?

Thanks.

Now, listen, kids. He
couldn't have gone very far.

We've called the police, we're
checking the neighborhood for him.

We'll find him.

(DOORBELL RINGS) I hope so.

I'll bet that's him right now.

Any news, Henry?
Sorry, Mr. Drummond,

there's not a trace of Arnold
anywhere in the neighborhood.

Are you sure you
looked everywhere?

Yes, sir.

All right. Well, thanks very
much for your help, Henry.

I'll keep looking.

Poor Arnold. He must be lost in a crowd.
There's eight million people in New York.

He's so small he can get
lost in a crowd of three.

No luck, Mr. Drummond.
Nobody's seen Arnold.

He's not in the building. He's not
in the street. He's not in the park.

He's not in the movie
theater. He just disappeared.

Everywhere I went I
waved this bag of cookies.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mr. Drummond? Yes.

I found your son.

Oh, thank goodness!

Oh, boy, have you
got the wrong kid.

I'm afraid you have, Officer.

I told you I wasn't lost.

I guess I forgot to mention
that Arnold is a black child.

It just never occurred to me.
I only think of him as my son.

Well, we'll keep
looking, Mr. Drummond.

Come on, kid.

Don't I get a lollipop?

Kojak always
gives you a lollipop.

I feel absolutely drained.

Mrs. Garrett, could you get me
a glass of water and two aspirin?

Oh, Mr. Drummond,
you had no dinner.

All right, make
it three aspirin.

(RATTLING)

(MEOWING)

I've never been so
happy to see a stray cat.

Us stray cats want to be alone.

Arnold. Arnold. Oh, come
on out, you little runaway.

Mrs. Garrett,
please, don't tell.

Arnold, shame on you.
You had us worried to death.

Why, you don't know
what we've been through.

With this garbage, it ain't
no rose garden in here, either.

All right, all right.
Come on out with you.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett, please. You
don't wanna see me get spanked.

Well, I'm sorry, Arnold. I just
can't, can't let Mr. Drummond worry.

I've got to tell him.

Could you wait a
while? Like till I'm 21?

Now, look, Arnold...
PHILIP: Mrs. Garrett?

Oh, yes, Mr. Drummond.

But please don't
tell him. Please.

I'm sorry, Arnold. I really...

Please. Please. Please.

That last "please" got to me.

All right.

I'll give you 30 seconds to
give yourself up. All right?

If I don't, will you
snitch on me?

It's not snitching, Arnold,

if Mr. Drummond discovers
you all on his own...

PHILIP: Mrs. Garrett!

Coming, Mr. Drummond.

Don't we have any aspirin?

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
I've got it right here.

Thank you.

What is it?

Is there a law against taking
an aspirin in the kitchen?

I just thought you'd like to sit down
for 30 seconds while they take effect.

(GASPING)

Oh, dear, what was that noise?

What noise?

I didn't hear anything.

Me, either.

Oh, there it is again. Louder.

Mr. Drummond, there's
something going on in the kitchen.

Mr. Drummond,

I wonder where that
sound is coming from.

I don't hear anything.
What sound?

How do I know? It's your sink.

Sink?

Well, just as I expected.

What? What is it, Daddy?

A big bag of garbage.

What?

Isn't there anything hiding
behind that big bag of garbage?

No. Like what, Mrs. Garrett?

Like Arnold. Arnold.

Yes. He was meowing under
the sink just a minute ago.

Arnold was here?

Now, he's hiding somewhere else.

Why didn't you tell us?

I was brainwashed!

Come on, let's go look for him.

You two look downstairs.
We'll go upstairs.

Yoo-hoo, Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

PHILIP: Arnold! Where are you?

Arnold! Mr. Drummond!

Imagine seeing you here.

Thank goodness you're all right.

I've been out of my mind
with worry about you.

Well, thank God you're safe. I was
never so glad to see anybody in my life.

Are you really?

Yes, really.

Then, let's have a party.

He's not in there.

He's not on the terrace, either.

Oh, no. I hope
he didn't fall off.

Thanks for cheering me up.

He's not in any of the bedrooms.
Did your father have any luck?

He sure did. Look what I found.

(ALL CHEERING)

WILLIS: Oh, man.
Where have you been?

Oh, man, I'm so happy
to see you, pea brain.

He was in the hot tub playing submarine.
This little devil never left the apartment.

Well, it's nice to be back
among my loved ones.

We're gonna have a party.

A party?

First things first.

You still have a spanking
coming, because of the water bomb.

You sure do know
how to spoil a party.

Come on, Arnold.

Don't spank me. Please. I
may grow up to be mean.

Come here.

Hold it, Mr. Drummond.

You know, I agree he deserves a spanking,
but you ain't the one to give it to him.

Oh? What do you mean, Willis?

The only one that ever
spanked us was Mama and Papa.

And they're dead.

If anybody's got to spank
Arnold, it's got to be family.

And that's me.

Right on. You spank me, Willis.

Well, we're one family, and
I happen to be the head of it.

But you're not
blood family. I am.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, but
if that's the way you want it, all right,

you spank Arnold properly.

Oh, he'll whomp me good.
It's starting to hurt already.

Come on, Willis. Fold
me over and lay it on me.

I don't think Willis is gonna like
doing that any more than I would.

You know, Willis, for a
dummy, you're pretty smart.

You sure out-foxed Mr. D.

Here. Whack away on this. It'll
sound just like you're beating my butt.

Come here, Arnold.

Wait till you hear me scream in
pain. They'll think you're murdering me.

Come on, Arnold, let's get it
over with. Spread it on my lap.

(EXCLAIMING)

Good thinking.

Just in case he peeks in, let's make
it look like the real thing, huh? Huh?

Hey, what you got to hit to
make it sound like my butt?

Your butt. What?

(YELPS)

Are you out of your
cotton-picking mind?

Will you two stop glaring at me?
I haven't laid a hand on the kid.

Yeah. You're just the godfather
who gave instructions to the hitman.

Willis, you're crying.

Don't tell me the little
one beat up the big one.

What is it, Willis?

I don't like spanking
my little brother.

Then how come
you did it so good?

I tried to tell you, Willis,

that discipline is a responsibility
that goes with being head of the family.

Now, we're all one family.
And I'm the head of it.

I'm sure glad you're the head of
it. 'Cause kids shouldn't spank kids.

Especially when one
of them kids is me.

The next time, Mr. Drummond,
you spank Arnold.

There ain't gonna
be no next time.

That's right, Arnold.

You are never going to put a
water bomb on anybody ever again.

Never. I promise.

I'm sure you've
learned your lesson.

Yeah, I learned
another lesson, too.

Good. What's that?

The next time I
do anything wrong,

I'm gonna find a better hiding
place than this apartment.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world, yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪