Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Girls School - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter that you got



♪ Not a lot, so what?

♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes

♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪

Mrs. Garrett, where are Kimberly and
Arnold? Why aren't they at breakfast?

I better go see
if they're all right.

Just lean on me, little sister.

I'll help you down.
You won't crush me.

I got muscles
nobody knows about.

Arnold, I'm all right.

Just think of me as a Saint
Bernard who's come to your rescue.



You mean a Chihuahua.

Kimberly, what is the matter?

Don't worry, Mr. D.
She ain't got a hangover.

I'm okay, Daddy. I'm just tired.

I was up practically
all night long studying.

You sure must have
been studying hard,

'cause it looks like all the
wheels came out of your head.

I'll fix you some breakfast
and you'll feel better, Kimberly.

Thank you.

Now why were you
studying so hard?

Our new headmaster at school is driving
us all up the wall with the class play.

The crock is the worst.

"The crock"?

His name is Mr. Crocker, but
all the girls call him the crock.

Well, what's in a name?

I don't know what's in a name,
but I know what's in a crock.

I have to do my
schoolwork at night,

'cause during the day I'm
busy rehearsing in the play.

And I'm also in charge of all
the costumes, and I don't know

how I'm going to have them ready
by tomorrow night. It's impossible.

Isn't the housemother at the
school supposed to be helping you?

She got into an argument
with the crock and quit.

I'm pretty handy with
a needle and thread.

I'd be glad to help you out.

Yeah, there's nothing
Mrs. Garrett can't do.

She's perfect. She's
Superman in a girdle.

Gee, Mrs. Garrett, that
would really save my life.

Do you think you could spare her
for the rest of the day. Please, Daddy?

All right, go ahead, Mrs. Garrett.
We men can handle everything here.

Thanks, Mr. Drummond.

I'll get changed.

And remember, men, this
time when you wash the dishes,

use soap, not floor wax.

Well, what're we gonna
do about food, Mr. D?

Yeah.

Don't worry, I'll cook
up something for dinner.

I repeat, what're we gonna
do about food, Mr. Drummond?

Are you guys casting
aspersions at my cooking ability?

I don't know what it means,

but if it'll stop you from
cooking, I'm casting them.

All right. Now just try
this out on your stomachs.

How'd you like a
nice, thick, juicy steak,

golden brown
french-fried onion rings,

a wonderful mixed
vegetable medley,

coconut cake with ice cream
for dessert. Would you like that?

Would we ever.

We'd love it.

So would I. We're
gonna go out to eat.

You know, Kimberly,
when I was a little girl,

my dream was to go to a
private school just like this.

It's so beautiful, peaceful.

On the outside it looks
like a normal school.

But inside, it's animal house.

Is it always like this?

No, it's a little quiet
today, Mrs. Garrett.

Are you sure that
housemother quit?

Or did they take
her away with a net?

Mr. Crocker must be away.

It's the only time we ever
get to blow off any steam.

You keep this up and
you'll blow off the roof.

Hey, everybody! Hey! Listen!

Listen!

Hi, everyone.

Hi, Kimberly!

I just wanted you to meet Mrs.
Garrett. She's our housekeeper.

And she's going to be
helping with the costumes.

Great!

This is my friend, Nancy.
She has the lead in the play.

She's a terrific actress.

Hi, Nancy.

And this is Sue Ann and
Tootie and Jennifer and Molly.

Jennifer, Molly.

And this is everybody.

Hi!

Yeah, I almost
forgot. That's Blair.

Hey. Hi.

Thanks for helping
with the costumes.

It could be a disaster 'cause
costumes are important.

If you don't have
them, you can't do it

'cause you'd look silly being
a fairy in ordinary clothes,

and do you happen
to have a candy bar?

No, I don't.

Good, I shouldn't
eat them anyway.

Zits.

I'm gonna go get my costume.
I'll be right down, Mrs. Garrett.

Say, girls,

shouldn't you be
working on your costumes,

instead of doing, whatever
it was you were doing?

No, no, no way.

We call this rest period.

If I rested like that,
I'd have a heart attack.

Mrs. Garrett, some of us
just aren't any good at sewing.

How many times have you
stuck yourself today, dummy?

I'm down to my last finger.

You'll get the
hang of it, Sue Ann.

By that time, I'll
need a transfusion.

Sorry, Sue Ann,
can't help you there.

Blue blood would
never mix with yours.

Was I just insulted?

Blair, it's too bad we're
not doing Cinderella.

You could have played
both of the nasty sisters.

Mrs. Garrett!

Mrs. Garrett, come
on, come on, catch!

Hey, your chair's on fire!

Boy, you keep smoking like that,

you're gonna have to be
fitted for a smog device.

You know, in my home,
housekeepers know their place.

In my home, so do little girls.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Garrett.

Sure.

Mrs. Garrett. Yeah.

Mr. Crocker! No!

What is going on?

Girls, girls, what are you
doing? What are you up to?

Why aren't you
rehearsing my play?

And speaking of my play,

I want to put a stop to a
ridiculous rumor that's circulating.

It's being suggested that I have
ripped off Mr. William Shakespeare.

Well, I have not ripped him off.

I rewrote his play to eliminate
Mr. Shakespeare's obvious weaknesses.

Like his obviously
bad title, for instance.

A Midsummer Night's Dream.

My title is A Mid-Autumn
Day's Fantasy.

Your title is much more
melodic, Mr. Crocker.

Thank you, Blair.

Thank you, Blair.

Now just to erase any doubt
as to my own personal integrity,

I intend to give full
credit where credit is due.

The program will read, "A
Mid-Autumn Day's Fantasy.

"Conceived, written, produced
and directed by Harold J. Crocker,

"from a notion by
William Shakespeare".

You see, when it comes
to fairness, girls, I...

I smell smoke.

Now which one of
you girls is smoking?

Is it you?

Is it you?

Is it you?

Is it you?

You're not a girl. Who are you?

Mr. Crocker,
that's Mrs. Garrett.

And she's gonna be helping
me with the costumes.

And she's the one who's smoking.

What are you going
to do, expel me?

But, Mrs. Garrett, you
don't smoke cigarettes.

Well, Kimberly, there
are a lot of closet smokers.

Who knows, I might
smoke anything that'll burn.

Cigars, pipes, bamboo, rope...

You smoke bamboo?

Weird lady.

You didn't have to cover for me.

I really don't care if
the crock nails me.

You keep smoking, the
mortician's gonna nail you.

Mail call! Mail call!

Mr. Crocker.

Can't you ever get off skates?

I mean, you're 12 years old.
Why don't you learn how to walk?

Mrs. Garrett, we better
get started on the costumes.

We can work on them in the
housemother's room. It's right over here.

Okay, honey. Lead
the way and I'll follow.

Mrs. Garrett.

Mrs. Garrett, could you please
take a look at my costume?

Sure, dear.

What'd I do wrong?

Nothing, if you plan
on growing another arm.

Mrs. Garrett, please?

Sure, hon.

Boy, I sure hate sewing.

'Cause the last time I
used a needle and thread,

I sewed my t-shirt to
the knees of my pants,

and I had to walk
around bending over

and did you know that we
haven't even had lunch yet?

Mrs. Garrett, can you help
me sew my costume, please?

Mine, too, Mrs. Garrett. 'Cause I'm
too busy looking for my frog, Leon.

Mrs. Garrett, please, I
don't know how to sew.

Please, Mrs. Garrett.

Hold it!

I'll be here all night sewing.

Who do you think I
am, Rumpelstiltskin?

Now, listen, you girls go work
on those costumes over there.

I'll supervise.

God helps those
who help themselves,

and everybody else
will be up the creek.

What are we waiting
for? Hop to it, girls!

Gosh, I love show biz.

No need to cry, honey. I'll
help you with your costume, too.

It's not that. It's this
letter from my folks.

Is everything all right at home?

I have to drop out of school.

Drop out of school?
But why, honey?

My father lost his job, and he
can't afford to keep me here.

I am sorry.

Even though this school
looks kind of crazy,

it's a terrific school.

I love it and all my
friends are here.

Don't cry, Nancy.

Mrs. Garrett, I don't
know how to do this.

Please help us, Mrs. Garrett.

Please, Mrs. Garrett...

I'll help you with them.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mrs. Garrett.

By the way, Mrs. Garrett, have
you seen Laura's frog, Leon?

No, I haven't.

Okay.

I don't believe this.

This morning I was in the
kitchen, minding my own business.

Kimberly had a little problem,
so I offered to help her.

The next thing I know, I'm
here in this cuckoo's nest,

playing with a Frisbee and
saying, "I smoke bamboo".

On top of that, while a poor
little girl's heart is breaking,

I'm supposed to be
sewing 400 costumes

and looking for a
frog named Leon.

We just gotta think of a
way to keep Nancy in school.

It just wouldn't be
the same without her.

Yeah. What are we gonna do?

We gotta think of something.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't
we get a loan from the bank?

How do we pay them back, Tootie?

I figured out how
to get the money,

you figure out how
to pay them back.

The only way poor Nancy's gonna
stay in school is if a miracle happens,

and the only thing I
know about miracles

is one time when we
were going to New Jersey,

and it started to rain we came to
a bridge, and it was washed out.

And the next day
we were so lucky.

What's the miracle?

We didn't want to go to
New Jersey in the first place.

Boy, I don't know what
I'd do without Nancy.

If she hadn't helped me study,
I would've flunked English.

And she helped me
with my algebra, too.

And she's so generous. She's
always loaning us her clothes.

Yeah. Yeah, she sure is.

Yesterday, she
even lent me her bra.

Her bra? What for?

I needed a tail for my kite.

Gee, we're sure gonna miss her.

I know. Yeah.

Poor Nancy.

You know, Nancy, you
could stay at this school

if you could get
yourself a scholarship.

My grades aren't good enough.
They have to be straight A's.

Other things are just as
important as grades, Nancy.

Like talent.

Kimberly told me
you're a terrific actress.

Maybe you could get
a scholarship for that.

They don't have
scholarships in dramatic arts.

Maybe you could get
Mr. Crocker to start one?

Get the crock to
spend extra money?

A man who recycles
his dental floss?

Nancy, what are you doing here?

I just brought Mrs.
Garrett my costume.

Get back to the
rehearsal. Make it live!

Sir.

Why aren't these costumes
finished, Mrs. Garrett?

Can't you go any faster?

It's only a sewing machine.

If it could go any faster,
I'd enter it in the Indy 500.

I'll just make do with the few
costumes you have finished.

Mr. Crocker, I read your play.

Lucky you.

It was incredible.

Make you laugh a lot?

Did I laugh?

Did I laugh?

Then did you cry?

Did I cry?

Did I cry?

Then did you laugh again?

Did I laugh again?

You have excellent
taste, Mrs. Garrett.

And so do you.

I must congratulate you on
picking Nancy for the lead.

That girl has talent.

What a shame she's going
to have to drop out of school.

Not before my play
tomorrow night?

No, at the end of the term.

It's all right, then.

What do you
mean, it's all right?

Her parents can't
afford to keep her here.

Don't worry about it. I'll just find a
child whose parents can afford it.

Why not just create
a scholarship for her?

Scholarship? Bite your tongue.

I'm already over budget
on these costumes as it is.

Mr. Crocker,

you haven't a clue as to
what's going on with your girls.

You don't care what they're
doing or what's bothering them.

You only care about yourself.

And as for your play,

if Shakespeare were alive,

he'd drop dead.

That's what you
know, Mrs. Garrett.

All I know is I have to
show a profit to the trustees.

I may even have to do away with
some of the luxuries around here.

Have you thought of
putting in paid toilets?

Don't be ridiculous, Mrs.
Garrett. Of course, I have.

Attention, players, attention.

Let's get this show
on the road, girls.

Mr. Crocker, should we
go into the auditorium?

No, we're going to rehearse
in here today, Wendy.

I'm not Wendy. Don't you
recognize me? It's Sue Ann.

Yes.

I'm surprised he
didn't recognize you.

All you have to do is look at the donkey's
head and work your way backward.

It takes one to know one, Blair.

All right, girls! All right.
Places everybody, places!

Let's go! Places,
places, places.

I'm sorry, Mr. Crocker.

I am, too, kid.

All right, kids, from
the top. Walk, walk.

All right, kids, from the top.

Quickly, quickly, places.

All right, here's
your costume, honey.

Thanks, Mrs. Garrett. Yep.

Cheer up, honey.

All right, girls.
It's magic time.

We're in the woods,
the forest primeval.

Trees. More leaves.

Good.

Now the fairy is sleeping.
Fairy in place, please.

Yes, sir, Mr. Crocker.

Excellent. Beautiful.

All right, now,
everybody, cue Nancy.

Hark,

there sleeps the fairy in
the woods, green and airy.

No. No, no, Nancy. You
have to be more animated!

More animated.

Concentrate on passionate
youthful recklessness

followed by stubborn defiance,

and top it off

with a little bit of
seething dismay.

Sorry, Mr. Crocker. I'm
just not with it, I guess.

What do we have to do
to get you with it, Nancy?

Give her a scholarship.

Do you mind, Mrs. Garrett?

All right, girls, now once
again from the tippy-top.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Crocker, Mr. Crocker, excuse
me, Mr. Crocker, you have a phone call.

Must you interrupt me
now, at this time, Molly?

I'm sorry, but...

I told you never to interrupt a
rehearsal. I don't care who it is.

The head trustee
is on the phone.

Unless it's him.

All right, girls, take
it again from the top.

Trees, more leaves.

Well, I guess we'd better
get on with rehearsal.

Yeah.

Mrs. Garrett, how
am I supposed to act

passionate youthful recklessness

when all I can think
about is leaving school?

Honey, when I was a
little girl, I was in a play.

And on my way to the
auditorium I fell off my bike.

I broke my tooth and fell
into a patch of poison ivy.

I itched, I hurt, I was a mess.

But I went on.

And what happened?

My teacher said I was
the best tree in the play.

Always do your best,
Nancy. No matter what.

I'll try, Mrs.
Garrett. Thank you.

Kimberly, come out of the woods.

Doesn't your father know
the head trustee of this school?

Sure, Daddy and
Mr. Robinson are good friends.

I think I'll give your father a fast
phone call about Mr. Robinson.

Are you cooking
something up, Mrs. Garrett?

Of course, Kimberly.
Cooking is my specialty.

Mr. Robinson, aren't their
performances delightful?

I enjoyed myself immensely.

I was terribly, terribly moved.

Tell me, Mrs. Garrett,
now from what you've said,

I get the impression that you
think very highly of Mr. Crocker?

I can't tell you
what I think of him.

Congratulations again, Crocker.
You did wonders with those girls.

They were like professionals,
really. Weren't they, Charley?

They certainly were, Philip. I
am very impressed, Crocker.

Tell Charley about your idea
for a scholarship, Crocker.

Scholarship?

You remember. We were
discussing it yesterday.

How you want to establish
a dramatic scholarship.

I happened to mention it to
Mr. Drummond yesterday on the telephone.

Well, I never...

And I just happened to mention
it to Charley at lunch today.

And the crock... I
mean, Mr. Crocker

wants the first
scholarship to go to Nancy.

Am I right, Mr. Crocker?

You've been right about
everything up till this point.

I think that's a splendid idea.

I don't think I'll have a bit of
trouble selling the other trustees on it.

You know, I was
an actor once myself.

Really?

Yes, I was the
best tree in the play.

So, Philip, why don't we
find this lucky young girl

and give her the good news, huh?

Let's just do that. Fine.

Here she is right here.

Mr. Crocker.

Yes?

I must congratulate you.
You go to the top of my list.

Really? Which list?

Guess.

You guessed.

Crocker, Crocker, these wonderful girls
have just come up with a splendid idea.

Would you excuse us, Mrs...

Garrett. Certainly. Just so.

Tootie, Tootie, come here.

Mr. Crocker, since you and
Mrs. Garrett hit it off so well,

why don't you offer her
that job as housemother?

Housemother?

Thanks for everything,
Mrs. Garrett.

I know the scholarship
is all your doing.

Did you really like it,
Daddy? Did I do okay?

Kimberly, you were the
daintiest fairy I have ever seen.

Yeah, next to you,
Tinkerbell was a klutz.

Thank you, Willis.

Kimberly, you were wonderful.

Thank you, Mrs. Garrett.

Where in the world is Arnold?

I don't know. I don't know.

Guess who?

The body is familiar,
but I can't place the face.

Under this face,
there's another face

with chubby cheeks, short
ears and no front teeth.

And both faces go
with the same rear end.

You look real cute, Arnold.

How'd you know it was me?

Just a wild guess.

Mrs. Garrett,
Mr. Robinson feels that...

That is, both of us

are prepared to offer you
a job here at the school.

That is if you are willing
to give up your present job.

What you talking
about, Mr. Crocker?

Yeah, what you
talking about... I mean,

what are you talking about?

Well, the position of
housemother is open.

Thank you, girls.
I am so honored.

It's wonderful to be wanted,

but I'm needed with my family.
I have to get back with them.

Yeah, that's right. Mrs.
Garrett ain't going nowhere.

No. No one's taking
Mrs. Garrett away from us.

She ain't going nowhere.

Down, boy. It
was only a thought.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪