Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Trip: Part 1 - full transcript
Mr. Drummond's company has bought out a radio station in Portland, Oregon, where his old army buddy, Larry Alder, hosts a talk show.
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot, so what?
♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ 'Cause it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪
Hey, Willis.
What are you and me gonna do
on our spring vacation next week?
Well, Arnold, me and my
pal, Vernon, him and me,
we are talkin' about
goin' to baseball camp.
Willis, you left something
out of that "we." Me.
And if that "we" don't include
"me," you got a bad "we," there.
Arnold, you can't come to baseball
camp with us. You're too young.
You gotta be at
least 12 years old.
Maybe I can look older.
I'll lower my voice and
paint on some pimples.
Forget it.
Well, will you at least take
me to some movies with you?
Arnold, go rent someone
your own age to play with.
Okay, go to the movies
without me, but it'll cost you.
What do you mean?
Without me, you
won't have anybody
to buy you a half-price ticket.
You'll have to go up to the
box office on your knees.
Daddy, what are we gonna
do on our spring vacation?
Well, frankly, I've been so busy
I haven't given it any thought.
I know what I'm gonna
do on my vacation.
I think I'll call Paul Newman and
ask him if he'd like to take me to Paris.
Paul Newman?
You're right. He's
too old for me.
Maybe I'll give
John Travolta a buzz.
Morning, everybody. Morning.
Morning, Arnold.
Hey, I just got a great idea.
Why don't we all do something
together on spring vacation?
That's a terrific
idea. That's great.
We'll have so much fun.
Where are we gonna go?
Oh, who cares?
Just as long as
we're going together.
Arguin' and yellin' and
shovin' and overeatin'.
That's my idea of a vacation.
You know what might be exciting?
Why don't we go on a cuise ship?
We can just relax,
and sit around, and read
-That's boring.
When you get to my
age, boring is exciting.
Hey, how about going to Africa.
We can take a raft down the
River Gambia and
say "what's happening".
And you can also drop
into an alligators mouth.
You're the right size
for an hors d'oeuvre.
Drummond Travel Service.
Why, it's just a little
local humor, operator.
Long distance? Who's calling?
Larry Alder from
Portland? Why, put him on.
Who's he?
He's an old army buddy of mine.
We were the craziest
guys in the company.
Always together,
buddies to the end.
When's the last
time you saw him?
About 15 years ago.
But we keep in touch. I have to.
He still owes me four bucks.
Hey, Larry! You big lug!
How's the goldbrick lieutenant?
Phil, you old son of a gun.
How's my favorite
insubordinate sergeant?
Couldn't be better. I miss you.
Hey, where's that four
bucks you owe me?
Operator, I got
a bad connection.
You got it backwards, pal.
You owe me the four
bucks. I won the bet.
No, no, no.
I remember the night
we made the bet.
I drank more martinis standing
on my head than you did.
Standing on your head?
Didn't the olives
go up his nose?
Hey, Larry, have you
still got that radio show?
No. You have that radio show.
Congratulations on
buying the station.
What? What station?
Where I work. That's
why I called you.
Aren't you one of the big mucky
mucks of Trans Allied Incorporated?
Well, just a little mucky muck.
I'm on the board.
Well, little mucky muck, your
company just bought the station.
Really? I guess I better start
staying awake in the meetings.
Yeah, why don't you get a
belly dancer to read the minutes?
I knew we bought a
conglomerate in Portland
that owned a radio station.
As a matter of fact, I
got the papers right here.
But I didn't know it was the
station where you do your show.
Well, you're my boss now, pal.
And I'm really
looking forward to
a happy and long relationship.
Larry, are the call letters
on your station K-L-O-W?
Yeah. K-Low.
The "K" is for "K," and
the "Low" is for my salary.
Which I'd like to
talk to you about.
Hey, come on, Phil,
laugh it up a little.
Your new employee
just made a funny.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Larry, it might
not be a bad idea
if I came out there to
see what we bought.
Hey, that would be delightful,
de-lovely, and deductible.
I'd love for you to meet my
two kids, Diane and Ruthie.
Well, I'd love for you
to meet my family.
Maybe I'll bring my daughter
and my two new sons with me.
New sons? Did you
get married again?
No, I'm not married.
Phil, you old son of a gun.
You've been standin' on your
head drinking martinis again, huh?
Hey, I'll explain it
all when I see you.
Listen, this call must
be costing you a fortune.
No, it's costing you.
You own the station.
Well, I'll get in touch. I'm gonna
let you know when I'm coming.
Thanks for calling, Larry.
Kids, our vacation
problems may be solved.
I have to make a business
trip to Portland, Oregon.
How would you all feel
about coming along with me?
You, too, Mrs. Garrett.
That's great! All right!
You hear that? Portland, Oregon!
Oh, boy! Where is it?
It's near Seattle.
I'd love to go.
It'll give me a chance
to visit my sister, Beverly.
She's only an hour away.
Good. Excuse me, gang.
I gotta phone my office.
What's it like in
Portland, Mrs. Garrett?
Big pine forests
and wide rivers,
and any minute you expect
Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy
to come out from behind a tree,
singing in each other's face...
♪ When I'm calling you ♪
What's the matter kids?
Why did they sing like that?
Were they deaf?
No. I'll tell you what, kids.
I won't try to explain
Jeanette and Nelson to you,
and don't you try to
explain Alice Cooper to me.
What's it like in Portland?
Oh, you can do all
sorts of things there.
You can camp, fish, hike.
Anything you want.
And there's no pollution
like here in New York.
You breathe clean air.
Clean air? Won't
that scare our lungs?
Man, it'd be weird
breathin' what you can't see.
Oh, Daddy, we're all so
excited about going to Portland.
Yeah, I'm excited, too.
You don't look excited.
Maybe you got a
problem with your exciter.
Daddy, what's the matter?
I'm afraid maybe I
do have a problem.
My company did buy the radio
station where my friend Larry works,
and we've gotta make a
very big decision about that.
What is it, Mr. Drummond?
Well, we need to make the
station more efficient, automated.
That means replacing
people with machines.
Here I am, going to visit
a guy I think the world of.
I'd hate to have to tell him
he's gonna be out of a job.
Isn't there anything
you can do about it?
Well, it's not for sure, yet.
We're waiting for our
computer to analyze some data
and help us make
a decision on it.
Gee, Daddy, that'd be terrible
if you had to
fire an old friend.
I feel sorry for him.
So do I, Arnold.
Mr. D, before you
give your friend the axe,
maybe you better get
your four bucks back.
Come on, fish! Come
on, take that bait!
Come on, fish.
I'm waitin'.
Here we are! I got
a big one. A big one!
Here we are.
It looks like you
hooked me, Arnold.
You make a terrific
salmon, Mrs. Garrett.
Thank you, dear.
I'll be even more terrific
when I learn to swim upstream.
I'm afraid I have to
throw you back, though.
Why?
You're too small.
You sure know how
to sweet-talk a salmon.
Hello, hello.
It's the Creature from
the Black Lagoon.
Looks like you'll need a
harpoon for this one, Arnold.
I got everything I
need to go to Portland.
I got my water skis, my diving
suit, my snorkel and my flippers.
You only need one more thing.
What's that?
You need to learn how to swim.
Come on, blood, you know I
know how to swim good, now.
No, you don't.
Now you remember that time...
Boys! Boys! Boys, cool it!
Stop acting like brothers!
Hey, everybody, how do
you like my new bathing suit?
Where is the rest of it?
That's it. It's a bikini.
You look darling, Kimberly.
Thank you, Mrs. Garrett.
Hey, listen, gang. I...
Say, that's a nice bathing
suit you're almost wearing.
Well, it was a choice
between this and a one-piece.
Well, I'm glad you
took both pieces.
Hey, look, kids. We're all set.
There are the
tickets to Portland.
Hurray!
All right!
How far is Portland
from here, Mr. D?
It's about 3,000 miles.
Three... It'll take us
a month to get there.
No, Arnold. It'll take
about five hours.
Five hours?
What kind of train
are we goin' on?
Oh, we're not going on a train.
They got jet buses now?
Arnold, we're gonna fly.
What you talkin' about, Mr. D?
I said we're gonna fly there.
That's the quickest way.
Then leave me your address,
and I'll look you up when I get there.
Now, why do you say that,
Arnold? What's the matter?
You can't do that to us, Arnold.
I'm not flying.
I'm not flying. No!
We don't have time to
get there any other way.
We have to take a plane.
Well, if something goes wrong
with that plane, who's going
to get out and push?
Arnold look, be reasonable.
Now here's the situation.
We're all going to go to
Portland. The only way we can
get there is flying.
We'll all be together.
What do you say?
I say no way, no how,
no time, and no chance.
Get the picture?
I don't understand, Arnold.
Why are you afraid to fly?
I got to be eight without
going up in a plane,
and I don't want to fool
around with success.
Come on, Arnold.
Now, you know I've never
been up in a plane, either.
But I'm lookin' forward to it.
Arnold, I've been up
in a plane lots of times.
It's nothin'.
That's what worries me.
Nothing is holding
that plane up.
Of course something
is holdin' it up.
Certainly. It's aerodynamics.
It's a combination of thrust,
lift, wind, speed and gravity.
Yeah. But what holds it up?
Arnold, you know, I
think you're a chicken.
Maybe I am.
But you never heard of a
chicken bailing out at 20,000 feet.
Arnold, I never knew you
felt this way about airplanes.
I don't want anything to
do with anything that flies.
If I was a bird, I'd walk
south for the winter.
Come on, Arnold. You gotta fly.
You're gonna ruin my vacation.
All right, now. Come
on, hold it, hold it.
Now listen, everybody.
We're not gonna
force this on Arnold.
We have to consider
his feelings, too.
That's right. Come on.
So we won't say
any more about it.
Okay.
Your bikini is adorable.
They have them in
your size, Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, really?
Listen, Arnold.
I don't want to bug you about
it, but I've seen lots of movies,
and flyin' is no different
from ridin' in a bus.
Run that by me again.
I mean it.
When you get on the plane,
you just keep sayin' to yourself,
"I'm ridin' on a bus.
I'm ridin' on a bus."
What happens when I ask
to get off at 125th Street?
Now, come on, Arnold.
This fear you're buildin'
up is all in your mind.
No, a lot of it has leaked
down into my body.
Listen Arnold. I'm going
to prove to you that there's
Nothing to be afraid of. Now
pretend that this room is a big 747.
I'll be your pilot, and you
know what you can be,
-I'll be a person on the
ground waving goodbye.
Have a nice trip!
Come on Arnold, now sit
down. You be the passenger.
-Uh huh -What's the matter?
How come i'm the only
passenger on this plane?
Come on Arnold, there's
a lot of other passengers.
They're just so relaxed
they're sleeping. ok?
- Ok. Is there an
emergency exit near me?
Sure. This plane
is full of them.
If you're trying to relax me,
you just said the wrong thing.
Now hold it Arnold, now this
is your flight attendant, and he
needs to make an announcement.
Hi there, this is your flight
attendant Willis Jackson.
Today, we'll be serving all the milk
and cookies and ice cream you want.
And today, our
movie is Superman!
- I saw it.
- well our other movie today is
The Wiz!
- I saw that too.
- Well what would you like to
see?
I'd like to see and tell
him what I think of him.
Come on Arnold, we're about to
take off so fasten your seat belts.
- Click, click -This is
your captain speaking
Ready for take off
ladies and gentlemen?
-And now we're up in
the air and captain Heely
walks around and wraps
with the passengers.
Whats happenin' bud?
How you doing cuz?
Ahh Bro-ham! Hi there,
relaxed passenger.
Any questions?
- Yeah, who's flying this plane?
- You see young man,
we got an automatic pilot.
This is what you
call a smooth flight.
And this is what I call
a smooth snow job.
Come on Arnold, we're
about to land in Portland.
Anything special you
want before we land?
How about a paracute?
- You wont be needing that
son, we just...
- made a perfect landing.
Here we are in Portland.
Thank you for flying Air Willis.
Now you see Arnold, there's
nothing to worry about right?
- Right.
- And flying in a plane is just
like sitting in this room right?
- Right.
- Then you're going to fly to
Portland right?
- Right. As soon as you can
get this room off the ground.
I really tried to get Arnold
to change his mind, Mr. D,
but it didn't work.
Well, gang, if he won't fly,
I guess we're just gonna
have to call off the trip.
No, Mr. Drummond.
I'll stay here with Arnold.
No. He's my brother.
I'll stay and give
up my vacation.
No, Willis. He's
my little brother, too.
You go and have a good time,
and I'll stay here with Arnold.
Well, if you're both
stayin', so am I.
Well, I guess I really do
have to go for a few days.
My friend, Larry,
may be losing his job,
and I don't want him to feel
that I'm ducking out on him.
Don't you worry, Mr. Drummond.
The kids and I will have
a terrific time together.
No, I heard you.
But I've given it
some heavy thought,
and, well, I'm just not
bein' fair to the rest of you.
So I changed my mind.
I guess I have
to fly to Portland.
Hey! Good for you,
Arnold. That's great.
But I want Willis
to hold my hand.
You got it, little brother.
And I want Mr. Drummond
to hold my hand.
Of course.
And I want Kimberly and
Mrs. Garrett to hold my hand.
Arnold, you ran out of hands.
They can hold my feet.
You're very brave to make
this sacrifice for the rest of us.
No. That's okay.
But first I gotta do something.
What's that?
Make out my last
will and tenement.
Daddy, relax.
I've never seen you so nervous.
Come on, Dad.
Sit down and relax.
Come on, Dad.
Sit down and relax.
Are you happy now?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good.
What are you so
nervous about, anyway?
You said Mr. Drummond's
a terrific guy.
Well, of course,
he's a terrific guy.
Honey, I just haven't
seen him in 15 years.
It could be very embarrassing.
He may have more hair than me.
Or worse.
My potbelly might
be bigger than his.
He'll probably turn out
to be bald, fat, and ugly.
Yeah. But when
you're rich, who cares?
He's really a great guy.
See, we've had this running
battle going on for years.
He owes me $4, but
he says I owe him $4.
Why don't you pay him?
I suppose you're too old
to be left on a doorstep.
Flight 23 from New York
now unloading
passengers at Gate 37 A.
Did she say Gate 37 A?
That's right.
Then why are we
waiting at Gate 37 B?
I think it's perfectly
obvious why.
We're at the wrong gate!
Ruthie, you better
wait here for them.
Why should I wait
at the wrong gate?
I don't trust airports.
I still got luggage in Bangkok.
Oh wait, what do the
Drummond's look like?
There's a Papa Drummond,
a Housekeeper Drummond
And three little Drummonds.
What a dumb question.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you lost?
No. Are you?
No, I live here.
Here? In the airport?
No, here in Portland.
Well, I just got off the plane.
I really love flying.
Some people are
scared. But not me.
There's no time to be scared,
either eating or going to the bathroom.
Are you traveling alone?
Uh-huh. I'm with my family.
They're not off the plane yet.
Well, how'd you get off so fast?
It's easy when you can
walk under people's legs.
You're funny. How old are you?
Eight, but I've been told I
have the mind of a nine year old.
How old are you?
- I'm thirteen, but I've been
told I have the mind
of a fourteen year old.
Maybe you should give
your mind a rest for a year
and give your body
a chance to catch up.
Do you have any
brothers or sisters?
One of each. They're
here somewhere.
Also, my father and Mrs.
Garrett, our housekeeper.
Father and a housekeeper?
Uh-huh.
Is your father's
name Mr. Drummond?
That's right.
Hey, gee, I didn't
know he was black.
I didn't either, and I sat
next to him on the plane.
I'm here to meet you.
My father's name is
Larry Alder. I'm Ruthie.
Hi, I'm Arnold.
Hi.
Daddy's freaked out.
He can't find them.
I found one of them.
This is Arnold,
Mr. Drummond's son.
This is my sister Diane.
Howdy.
Hi. You're Mr. Drummond's son?
Uh-huh. I'm black
and so is my brother.
Mr. Drummond's white,
and so is my sister.
That's the way it
works out at our house.
Hey that's wild Arnold.
Oh, here they are!
Gee, Arnold, you really
have a colorful family.
Black, white.
And right now,
they all look green.
It was a bumpy flight.
Some people can't handle flying.
Excuse me.
Mr. Drummond.
Here is Ruthie and Diane.
Ruthie and Diane,
this is my family.
Hi, Ruthie and Diane.
Nice to meet you both.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
I can't find them.
Maybe they missed their flight.
Hi, Phil. I mean, I've
looked everywhere...
Sarge, you old son of a gun.
You great big lug.
Son of a gun.
Lug.
Son of a gun.
Lieutenant. Sarge.
Son of a gun! Son of a gun!
Big lug! Big lug!
You look great.
So do you.
Where's that $4 you owe...
Where's that $4 you owe...
I'd like you to
meet my daughters.
Oh, I met them. They're lovely.
I want you to meet my family.
This is my daughter, Kimberly.
My son, Willis,
and my son, Arnold.
Hi. ARNOLD: Hi.
If I'm not saying anything,
it's because I'm trying
to think of something
clever to say cleverly.
Better hurry. We've
only got a week.
Oh, we've lived with Mr. D
ever since our mama died.
Oh.
Well, you couldn't have
picked a better father.
Hold it, taxi.
Well, I'm all set for Seattle.
Mrs. Garrett, this is my friend,
Larry, and his two daughters.
How do you do, sir? Hello,
girls. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Well, I guess this
is a little goodbye.
Bye.
Don't forget to
change your socks.
And your underwear!
Your underwear. Is she
talking to you or the kids?
Me.
Well, kids, let's get our luggage,
we'll get a taxi to our hotel.
Okay. Right on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. What taxi? What hotel?
I'm driving, and you're
gonna stay with us.
I haven't seen you in 15 years.
Besides, my rates are cheaper.
It's no problem,
we'll double up.
Well look what you're getting
into. There's seven of us.
So we'll cut one of the kids in
half and make it come out even.
I'm already a half.
No, no, no, we're not
going to put you out.
Now look, don't
argue with a lieutenant.
That's an order sargent.
- Yes sir.
If it's okay with
Mr. Drummond and Kimberly,
she could stay with me
at my friend Janet's house.
Thanks a lot, Diane.
That sounds like fun.
Yeah. But is it okay with Janet?
Why not? She stayed
with us last week.
She did?
I was wondering why one of you
suddenly had glasses
and a big nose.
Dad, that's a terrible joke.
Wait till you hear
some of Mr. D's jokes.
Paging Mr. Philip Drummond.
Mr. Philip Drummond, please
pick up the courtesy telephone.
Hey, that's us, Mr. D.
How'd they know we were here?
Well, my office knows
my schedule, Arnold.
See how important
my new boss is, girls?
Wherever he goes, they page him.
Oh, yeah. Like you
used to do, Daddy.
Remember when you had
yourself paged in that restaurant?
Kids.
- I don't know what's wrong with
kids today.
- Kids.
-Who can understand
anything they say.
♪ Why can't they
be like we were ♪
♪ Perfect in every way ♪
♪ Oh what's the
matter with kids... today
Mr. Drummond,
Mr. Phillip Drummond.
Please pick up a
courtesy telephone.
Be back in a minute Larry.
Dad, what's with that routine?
- Oh we did shows in the army.
We use to entertain the troops.
- Ours or the enemies?
This is Philip
Drummond, operator.
Yeah. Put him on, please.
Hi, Eddie.
Yeah. Are you sure?
Oh, boy. Well, if you need
to get in touch with me,
I'll be at my friend,
Larry Alder's, place.
Yeah. My secretary
has the number.
Okay. Bye.
What's the matter, Mr. D?
Well, you remember that computer
readout I told you kids about?
Well, it came through. Bad news.
Recommends for automation.
Poor Mr. Alder.
He's gonna get automated
right out on his behind.
Some vacation.
I'll be a house guest
of a man I gotta fire.
Hey. Hey, Ruthie, you don't
have to carry Arnold's stuff.
It's okay.
Yeah. Mind your
own business, Willis.
I like these Western women.
Well, partner, we know
how to treat our menfolk.
Especially when they're
short, dark and handsome.
Willis, some got
it and some don't.
Well, this is it, guys.
Hey, Arnold, get
a load of the sign.
Right. I made it myself.
You guys hungry?
We've got ice cream, cake,
doughnuts, pie and frozen pizza.
I do the shopping.
I think I'm falling in love.
Well, help yourselves.
You know, I think it's really neat
that your dad bought the radio station.
What's wrong? Nothing.
That nothing sure
looked like something.
Even when Willis says
something, it means nothing.
Home, sweet home.
Hey, nice place. Very nice.
Well, remember, Phil,
I told you it wasn't exactly
Buckingham Palace.
We don't change the
guards every few hours.
But we change the
sheets every few weeks.
Only if we're expecting guests.
It looks very
comfortable. Really.
I love it. It's got a kitchen
right in the living room.
Arnold.
It's great staying with a
famous radio celebrity.
Well, I wouldn't
say famous, exactly.
Well-known, maybe. Popular.
Highly thought of. One of the top 10.
You may be right, Arnold.
Listen, you guys are gonna have to
come down tomorrow and watch my show.
Hey, great!
And maybe Dad'll let you
say something on the air.
No kidding?
Can we do it tonight?
Tomorrow may be too late.
Arnold. Boys, you
better get ready for bed.
Okay. Where's the guest room?
It's in Los Angeles.
My mom got it.
No problem. Phil, you
can have the girls' room.
It may be a little
too feminine for you,
but if you get
hungry in the night,
Ruthie hides the
salami in her nightstand.
And we can sleep out here
on the floor in sleeping bags.
Hey, great!
Let's go put your
stuff away. Yeah!
Man, three in a room.
Three more and it'd be just
like the old days in Harlem.
All right, have fun, pal.
How about a beer? Sure.
You know, your dad's
a real nice guy, Ruthie.
He sure is.
Well, so is yours.
You know, I think it's really
neat that after all these years,
the radio station brought
them back together again.
You did it again.
Did what?
You looked at each other.
There's something going on.
You know a secret?
No, we don't.
I don't care if you do.
If you don't wanna tell
me, I don't wanna hear it.
Okay.
What is it?
Man, you women sure are nosey.
Okay, okay, forget it.
Want some candy? Yeah!
Forget it.
Uh-oh. She's
getting tough, Willis.
Maybe we better tell her.
Girls can't keep secrets.
She ain't like a girl.
She's more like
a tall, pale buddy.
Okay. If we tell you the secret,
you gotta take a blood
brother oath not to tell.
You got a sharp pin or a needle?
What for?
We cut our thumbs
so the blood spurts out,
and then we rub them together.
Our tall, pale
buddy just got paler.
You're gonna cut my thumb, and
then you're gonna cut your thumb?
I kind of had Willis'
thumb in mind.
Can't we just dip our thumbs
in ketchup and take an oath?
Forget the thumbs.
Raise your right hand
and repeat after me.
If I ever tell the secret,
may a lizard eat my gizzard.
If I ever... Stand up.
If I ever tell the secret,
may a lizard eat my gizzard.
And come back for seconds.
And come back for seconds.
Okay.
Mr. D is gonna turn your
dad's station into an automat.
Automate, dummy.
Whichever way, your
dad's gonna lose his job.
Dad's gonna lose his show?
Mr. Drummond wouldn't do
a thing like that to my father.
Would he?
You remember the
way we met, Lieutenant?
Sure.
You were hanging over the
rail of a troopship being sick.
I didn't know what else to
do, so I ordered you to stop.
Yep. I stopped, and you started.
Boy.
How are things going
now for you, Lar? Happy?
Very happy.
The divorce was tough,
but I have the girls with me
and a whole new life up here.
Phil, I love it. I just love it.
Uh-huh.
Lar, let me tell you about some of
the problems I have with my business.
See, my company is a
high-leverage operation.
We have to move fast. And
sometimes very aggressively.
But once we get the
"P" and "L" in line,
my board of directors
is able to ascertain
the viability of the
projected profit factor.
Phil, I have a
problem with that.
What's that?
I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.
Quite simply, Lar,
I came out here...
Dad, could I... I'm
sorry. I interrupted.
No, no, no, no, no. No, that's fine,
Ruthie. I wanna get settled anyway.
But I do wanna get
back to this subject.
Where will I store
my stuff, Lar?
Under the banner,
and straight back.
What did you want, honey?
Dad,
what would you do if
someone told you a secret,
and that secret was about
someone who should be told?
But you swore not to tell
because the someone who
told you, told you not to tell.
So you can't tell,
but you wanna tell,
even though you said
that you wouldn't tell,
and a lizard could
eat your gizzard. Well?
Honey, you could get
a ticket for jaytalking.
Dad.
Okay, okay.
Now I gather that you've got this big
secret that's just burning to get loose.
But, honey, if you swore
never to tell that secret,
then under no circumstances
should you ever, ever
tell that secret to anyone.
It's about you.
Unless it's your father.
No. I better not.
It'd wreck your life.
Ruthie.
Okay.
Mr. Drummond's gonna
get rid of your show.
What?
We should have
known better, Arnold.
I'm sorry, guys. But
my father's my dad.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Dad, they're gonna
automate the station.
Automate? Now, now just wait
a minute. Sit down, please, guys.
Now look, you... You've
gotten something mixed up.
What'd they do, Larry? Hey,
you guys been misbehaving?
Yeah. We didn't
wanna tell her, Mr. D.
She dragged it out of us.
Goodbye, gizzard.
Dragged what out of you?
Look, Phil, somehow
the kids got the silly idea
that you're gonna automate the
station and throw me out of a job.
Phil, where would they
get that kind of an idea?
Well, I've been meaning to get
back to that. I'm glad you brought it up.
You mean it's true?
Now look, old buddy.
Wait a minute.
Hold the "old buddy."
You're gonna automate the station
with a bunch of prerecorded tapes,
and dump my show, and I gotta
hear about it from the little rascals?
You gotta understand the
way business works, Larry.
It's nothing personal.
Nothing personal?
You're talking to the man
who saved your life in the army.
You never saved my life.
Tokyo. Lasaya Motsamora.
Oh, her. Yes.
Well, back to business.
Now you have to remember, I am
only one of the board of directors.
Yeah. He's the chairman.
Larry, I am also a friend.
So was Brutus before
he stabbed Caesar.
You got muggers
in Portland, too?
Larry, I am not
stabbing you in the back.
How would you like
to be station manager?
I'm not a station manager.
I'm a talk show host,
and I'm a darn good one.
I mean, look, if your
company doesn't want me,
there are plenty of
other places that do.
Just yesterday he got an
offer from Bear Claw, Montana.
That's right. Thank you, Ruthie.
Listen, radio stations are being
automated all over the country.
I know that.
Just like hamburgers
and fried chicken.
You can go anywhere. They
taste the same, look the same.
No point in cluttering up the country
with personal touches, old buddy.
Now, wait a minute, Larry.
There are two sides
to being old buddies.
I came out here to help you.
Hey, Phil, I appreciate that.
I mean, you could have sent a
stranger out here to cut my head off,
but you came out
to do it personally.
That was not kind.
You know, you've really changed.
You were always unreasonable,
but you used to be nice about it.
Well, you sure haven't changed.
You're still
welching on a $4 bet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here's your $4.
Can you change $100?
You don't think I can, do you?
Twenty, 40, 60, 65, 66, 67...
Now, $67.14.
I'll go get my piggy bank.
It's got a zillion pennies in it.
Never mind. I'll
write you a cheque.
No, you're gonna take the change.
Honey, go get me your zillion pennies.
Forget it. I'm going to my room.
The one with the
pink plastic hangers.
Yeah, you go right ahead, pal.
I save the wooden ones
for welcomed guests.
Well, I must be welcome
'cause I got a wooden pillow.
Well, if you want
feathers, go pluck a duck!
Boy, Dad hasn't
said, "Go pluck a duck"
since mom told him
to go milk a moose.
Line 3, Lar.
Hi. Time for one
quick call. Who's this?
This is Lyla.
Larry, I just don't
understand inflation.
What are we going to
do about the cost of food?
Honey, you can do what I do.
I take the family to the market,
and we fill up a shopping cart.
Then we zip right into the express
line and eat as fast as we can,
till we get down to 10 items.
I gotta go, honey. Thanks
for the call. I love you.
I love you, too, Larry. Bye-bye.
Bye. This is Larry Alder, I'll
be right back after the news.
Now hit this button and
the newsroom takes over.
You're doing great,
Arnold. Thank you.
Hey, would you like to be an
engineer like me when you grow up?
Sure. But I don't think I
can grow up that much.
Ruthie, your dad
has a good show.
Yeah. Yesterday
he was a happy man.
Today he's an
endangered species.
Our plan had better work, guys.
Ruthie, you wanna take
the boys into the booth?
As soon as the news is over, I'm
gonna introduce you guys on air.
Arnold, you're not
nervous, are you?
No. Me? Nervous? Nah.
Attaboy. Now just remember,
even though you'll be talking
to a half a million people,
they're gonna love you.
Half a million people?
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hurry up. Come on, Willis.
Earl, have you seen
Mr. Drummond?
Our lady producer is taking
him around the station.
Larry, she'd do anything
to save this station.
Right down to marrying a
millionaire. And I'd be the best man.
You'll find another job.
That won't be too tough.
I just wish old "Got bucks" would
have stuck around long enough
to watch the show.
We do the weather
from this newsroom,
and, of course, the farm
report is done in Studio A.
You've seen my office. And
wait till you see Larry's fan mail.
Earl, show
Mr. Drummond the fan mail.
Fan mail. Fan mail.
It's on the floor. By your
feet, if you can find them.
No. That's okay. I'm sure
Larry has an audience.
Anyway, thanks for showing
me around, Miss Winslow.
It was very nice to be
with someone pleasant.
You're wasting your time, Morgan.
The man has a heart problem.
They can't find it.
You're not being fair, Larry.
Mr. Drummond is a
very human gentlemen.
Human and warm and
brilliant and charming.
You have the softest eyebrows.
Morgan, give up.
You're no good at it.
Yes, she is.
Twenty seconds, Lar.
Hey, where have you been?
Checking the facilities.
You just made it.
Okay, hop up here,
pal. There you go.
Now, don't be nervous.
All you have to do is say hello.
Hello, Mrs. Garrett.
Hello, Kimberly.
We're not on the air yet.
I'll tell you what. You get up
here and watch Earl, okay?
You're back on the air with Lar.
And the number is 555-3567.
Now before we take any calls,
I wanna introduce
three very special guests.
My daughter, Ruthie.
And two visiting VIPs from New
York, Arnold and Willis Jackson.
Willis, how are you
enjoying Portland?
I was until you and
Mr. D started fighting.
Yeah. Can't you be friends?
Thank you, boys. Thank you.
Ruthie, would you like to
say a word or two, at most?
Dad, Arnold and I would like to
read a poem that we've written.
Poem? There go the ratings.
I'd like to hear it.
On the other hand, it
might be kind of cute.
This poem is dedicated to
Mr. Drummond and Mr. Alder.
The dudes who are fighting.
What is a friend?
"If your friend is buying some soda
and you don't have money to spend,
"who will let you lick his
glass when he is done?"
"A friend."
"When you come inside from the
rain and you get the carpet all muddy,
"who is the one that
you can blame it on?"
"Your buddy."
"When you flunk a test in spelling
and your teacher says you're dumb,
"who makes you feel
good by being dumber?"
"Your dumb chum."
"So Dad and Mr. Drummond,
we hope your fighting ends
"and you can be
just like your kids."
"Your friends!" "Your friends!"
Send in for copies, $1 a piece.
Diane? DIANE: Yeah, what is it?
I need a bath towel.
We're out of bath towels,
Kim. Is a face towel okay?
Sure. I'll take anything that doesn't have
Arnold's little fingerprints all over it.
Hi, Kimberly.
Mr. Alder!
Hi, Diane. Hi, Dad.
What are you guys doing home? I
thought you were at Janet's house.
We were, but she came
down with the mumps.
The mumps? I just kissed you.
Honey, don't ever
kiss your father
when somebody on this planet
has come down with the mumps.
Sorry, Dad. Hi, Mr. Drummond.
Hi, Diane. Hi, guys.
Hi. Hi.
I'm going in to change.
How about a beer?
No, thanks. I don't
drink while I'm driving.
Yeah, I'll take Arnold's beer.
Okay, guys. Let's
finish this puzzle.
Yeah, right.
That was quite a poem
the kids wrote, wasn't it?
Yeah, it sure was.
It doesn't change
anything though.
No. We both know that
you can't use emotions
when you're making
important business decisions.
Right.
Sure is nice to see
them friends again.
Yeah.
See, what I was
trying to tell you, Larry,
is that our think-tank recommended
that we automate your station.
Now, I couldn't reject
out of hand that posture.
Phil... Naturally, as
chairman of the board,
I have a certain fiduciary
responsibility to my stockholders.
Phil, could we just skip the
corporate fiduciary ding-dong posture?
Now look, we're friends,
and we will always be friends.
So you just do what you have to do
to keep the business going. Okay, pal?
I fully intend to.
You know, Larry, sometimes in
the corporate world, a rule is bent.
No, wait a minute. I don't want
you bending any rules for me,
just 'cause the kids wrote
a poem. I don't take charity.
Larry, will you stop
being so noble?
You're being noble,
I'm being logical.
If you were being logical,
you'd allow me to be noble,
if I were inclined to
be noble, which I'm not.
What are they hassling
about now, Ruthie?
I think it's my dad's noble
and your dad's logical.
Or your dad's
noble and my dad's...
Dad, what are you?
Noble or logical?
Tie a can to it, Ruthie.
But I thought you
guys were friends again.
We are friends.
If you were my friend, you would
listen to what I'm trying to say.
I defy anybody to understand
what you're trying to say, friend.
If they get any friendlier,
they're gonna kill each other.
Tie a can to it, Arnold.
Can I ask a question?
When are we gonna eat?
Tie a can to it, Willis.
What's going on?
Tie a can to it, Diane!
Why don't you kids
wash for dinner?
How? All our cans are tied up.
Dad, can I ask a question?
Do you have your
job or don't you?
He doesn't know. He hasn't
given me a chance to say.
Larry, you've got the job. And
it's strictly a business decision.
Open your mouth
and you're fired.
Now, I checked the station out. I
liked what I saw. I like your show,
the weather report, the
local news, the farm report.
Good people. Good programming.
And I think it should
be kept on the air.
It's all very nice and
warm and personal.
Now you show me one
automated station anywhere
where they let two kids read a
poem while a third one hums.
Hey, Phil, Phil, do you really
think the station is great?
Yes. And do you
really think I'm good?
Yes. Can I have a raise?
No.
You old son of a gun.
Big lug.
Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrett.
Hello, Mr. Alder. Thank you.
Hi, kids!
Mrs. Garrett.
Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
What are you doing here? I thought
you were in Seattle surprising your sister.
That's why I'm here. My sister's
in New York surprising me.
Oh, dear.
Well now, children, tell
me. Are you having any fun?
Terrific time. ARNOLD: Yeah.
Now that we're
all friends again...
We are all friends,
aren't we, Dad?
Right, Ruthie.
We're all friends.
That's a very important
thing. Friendship.
It's like I always
said to the sarge,
"If you're ever in
a jam, here I am."
If you're ever down
a well, ring my bell.
♪ Friendship
♪ Friendship
♪ It's a perfect blendship
♪ When other
friendships are long forgot
♪ Ours will still be hot ♪
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ They got, Diff'rent
Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the World.
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story
♪ Everybody finds a way to shine
♪ It don't matter that you got
♪ Not a lot, so what?
♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours
♪ And I'll have mine
♪ And together we'll be fine
♪ 'Cause it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does
♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪
Hey, Willis.
What are you and me gonna do
on our spring vacation next week?
Well, Arnold, me and my
pal, Vernon, him and me,
we are talkin' about
goin' to baseball camp.
Willis, you left something
out of that "we." Me.
And if that "we" don't include
"me," you got a bad "we," there.
Arnold, you can't come to baseball
camp with us. You're too young.
You gotta be at
least 12 years old.
Maybe I can look older.
I'll lower my voice and
paint on some pimples.
Forget it.
Well, will you at least take
me to some movies with you?
Arnold, go rent someone
your own age to play with.
Okay, go to the movies
without me, but it'll cost you.
What do you mean?
Without me, you
won't have anybody
to buy you a half-price ticket.
You'll have to go up to the
box office on your knees.
Daddy, what are we gonna
do on our spring vacation?
Well, frankly, I've been so busy
I haven't given it any thought.
I know what I'm gonna
do on my vacation.
I think I'll call Paul Newman and
ask him if he'd like to take me to Paris.
Paul Newman?
You're right. He's
too old for me.
Maybe I'll give
John Travolta a buzz.
Morning, everybody. Morning.
Morning, Arnold.
Hey, I just got a great idea.
Why don't we all do something
together on spring vacation?
That's a terrific
idea. That's great.
We'll have so much fun.
Where are we gonna go?
Oh, who cares?
Just as long as
we're going together.
Arguin' and yellin' and
shovin' and overeatin'.
That's my idea of a vacation.
You know what might be exciting?
Why don't we go on a cuise ship?
We can just relax,
and sit around, and read
-That's boring.
When you get to my
age, boring is exciting.
Hey, how about going to Africa.
We can take a raft down the
River Gambia and
say "what's happening".
And you can also drop
into an alligators mouth.
You're the right size
for an hors d'oeuvre.
Drummond Travel Service.
Why, it's just a little
local humor, operator.
Long distance? Who's calling?
Larry Alder from
Portland? Why, put him on.
Who's he?
He's an old army buddy of mine.
We were the craziest
guys in the company.
Always together,
buddies to the end.
When's the last
time you saw him?
About 15 years ago.
But we keep in touch. I have to.
He still owes me four bucks.
Hey, Larry! You big lug!
How's the goldbrick lieutenant?
Phil, you old son of a gun.
How's my favorite
insubordinate sergeant?
Couldn't be better. I miss you.
Hey, where's that four
bucks you owe me?
Operator, I got
a bad connection.
You got it backwards, pal.
You owe me the four
bucks. I won the bet.
No, no, no.
I remember the night
we made the bet.
I drank more martinis standing
on my head than you did.
Standing on your head?
Didn't the olives
go up his nose?
Hey, Larry, have you
still got that radio show?
No. You have that radio show.
Congratulations on
buying the station.
What? What station?
Where I work. That's
why I called you.
Aren't you one of the big mucky
mucks of Trans Allied Incorporated?
Well, just a little mucky muck.
I'm on the board.
Well, little mucky muck, your
company just bought the station.
Really? I guess I better start
staying awake in the meetings.
Yeah, why don't you get a
belly dancer to read the minutes?
I knew we bought a
conglomerate in Portland
that owned a radio station.
As a matter of fact, I
got the papers right here.
But I didn't know it was the
station where you do your show.
Well, you're my boss now, pal.
And I'm really
looking forward to
a happy and long relationship.
Larry, are the call letters
on your station K-L-O-W?
Yeah. K-Low.
The "K" is for "K," and
the "Low" is for my salary.
Which I'd like to
talk to you about.
Hey, come on, Phil,
laugh it up a little.
Your new employee
just made a funny.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Larry, it might
not be a bad idea
if I came out there to
see what we bought.
Hey, that would be delightful,
de-lovely, and deductible.
I'd love for you to meet my
two kids, Diane and Ruthie.
Well, I'd love for you
to meet my family.
Maybe I'll bring my daughter
and my two new sons with me.
New sons? Did you
get married again?
No, I'm not married.
Phil, you old son of a gun.
You've been standin' on your
head drinking martinis again, huh?
Hey, I'll explain it
all when I see you.
Listen, this call must
be costing you a fortune.
No, it's costing you.
You own the station.
Well, I'll get in touch. I'm gonna
let you know when I'm coming.
Thanks for calling, Larry.
Kids, our vacation
problems may be solved.
I have to make a business
trip to Portland, Oregon.
How would you all feel
about coming along with me?
You, too, Mrs. Garrett.
That's great! All right!
You hear that? Portland, Oregon!
Oh, boy! Where is it?
It's near Seattle.
I'd love to go.
It'll give me a chance
to visit my sister, Beverly.
She's only an hour away.
Good. Excuse me, gang.
I gotta phone my office.
What's it like in
Portland, Mrs. Garrett?
Big pine forests
and wide rivers,
and any minute you expect
Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy
to come out from behind a tree,
singing in each other's face...
♪ When I'm calling you ♪
What's the matter kids?
Why did they sing like that?
Were they deaf?
No. I'll tell you what, kids.
I won't try to explain
Jeanette and Nelson to you,
and don't you try to
explain Alice Cooper to me.
What's it like in Portland?
Oh, you can do all
sorts of things there.
You can camp, fish, hike.
Anything you want.
And there's no pollution
like here in New York.
You breathe clean air.
Clean air? Won't
that scare our lungs?
Man, it'd be weird
breathin' what you can't see.
Oh, Daddy, we're all so
excited about going to Portland.
Yeah, I'm excited, too.
You don't look excited.
Maybe you got a
problem with your exciter.
Daddy, what's the matter?
I'm afraid maybe I
do have a problem.
My company did buy the radio
station where my friend Larry works,
and we've gotta make a
very big decision about that.
What is it, Mr. Drummond?
Well, we need to make the
station more efficient, automated.
That means replacing
people with machines.
Here I am, going to visit
a guy I think the world of.
I'd hate to have to tell him
he's gonna be out of a job.
Isn't there anything
you can do about it?
Well, it's not for sure, yet.
We're waiting for our
computer to analyze some data
and help us make
a decision on it.
Gee, Daddy, that'd be terrible
if you had to
fire an old friend.
I feel sorry for him.
So do I, Arnold.
Mr. D, before you
give your friend the axe,
maybe you better get
your four bucks back.
Come on, fish! Come
on, take that bait!
Come on, fish.
I'm waitin'.
Here we are! I got
a big one. A big one!
Here we are.
It looks like you
hooked me, Arnold.
You make a terrific
salmon, Mrs. Garrett.
Thank you, dear.
I'll be even more terrific
when I learn to swim upstream.
I'm afraid I have to
throw you back, though.
Why?
You're too small.
You sure know how
to sweet-talk a salmon.
Hello, hello.
It's the Creature from
the Black Lagoon.
Looks like you'll need a
harpoon for this one, Arnold.
I got everything I
need to go to Portland.
I got my water skis, my diving
suit, my snorkel and my flippers.
You only need one more thing.
What's that?
You need to learn how to swim.
Come on, blood, you know I
know how to swim good, now.
No, you don't.
Now you remember that time...
Boys! Boys! Boys, cool it!
Stop acting like brothers!
Hey, everybody, how do
you like my new bathing suit?
Where is the rest of it?
That's it. It's a bikini.
You look darling, Kimberly.
Thank you, Mrs. Garrett.
Hey, listen, gang. I...
Say, that's a nice bathing
suit you're almost wearing.
Well, it was a choice
between this and a one-piece.
Well, I'm glad you
took both pieces.
Hey, look, kids. We're all set.
There are the
tickets to Portland.
Hurray!
All right!
How far is Portland
from here, Mr. D?
It's about 3,000 miles.
Three... It'll take us
a month to get there.
No, Arnold. It'll take
about five hours.
Five hours?
What kind of train
are we goin' on?
Oh, we're not going on a train.
They got jet buses now?
Arnold, we're gonna fly.
What you talkin' about, Mr. D?
I said we're gonna fly there.
That's the quickest way.
Then leave me your address,
and I'll look you up when I get there.
Now, why do you say that,
Arnold? What's the matter?
You can't do that to us, Arnold.
I'm not flying.
I'm not flying. No!
We don't have time to
get there any other way.
We have to take a plane.
Well, if something goes wrong
with that plane, who's going
to get out and push?
Arnold look, be reasonable.
Now here's the situation.
We're all going to go to
Portland. The only way we can
get there is flying.
We'll all be together.
What do you say?
I say no way, no how,
no time, and no chance.
Get the picture?
I don't understand, Arnold.
Why are you afraid to fly?
I got to be eight without
going up in a plane,
and I don't want to fool
around with success.
Come on, Arnold.
Now, you know I've never
been up in a plane, either.
But I'm lookin' forward to it.
Arnold, I've been up
in a plane lots of times.
It's nothin'.
That's what worries me.
Nothing is holding
that plane up.
Of course something
is holdin' it up.
Certainly. It's aerodynamics.
It's a combination of thrust,
lift, wind, speed and gravity.
Yeah. But what holds it up?
Arnold, you know, I
think you're a chicken.
Maybe I am.
But you never heard of a
chicken bailing out at 20,000 feet.
Arnold, I never knew you
felt this way about airplanes.
I don't want anything to
do with anything that flies.
If I was a bird, I'd walk
south for the winter.
Come on, Arnold. You gotta fly.
You're gonna ruin my vacation.
All right, now. Come
on, hold it, hold it.
Now listen, everybody.
We're not gonna
force this on Arnold.
We have to consider
his feelings, too.
That's right. Come on.
So we won't say
any more about it.
Okay.
Your bikini is adorable.
They have them in
your size, Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, really?
Listen, Arnold.
I don't want to bug you about
it, but I've seen lots of movies,
and flyin' is no different
from ridin' in a bus.
Run that by me again.
I mean it.
When you get on the plane,
you just keep sayin' to yourself,
"I'm ridin' on a bus.
I'm ridin' on a bus."
What happens when I ask
to get off at 125th Street?
Now, come on, Arnold.
This fear you're buildin'
up is all in your mind.
No, a lot of it has leaked
down into my body.
Listen Arnold. I'm going
to prove to you that there's
Nothing to be afraid of. Now
pretend that this room is a big 747.
I'll be your pilot, and you
know what you can be,
-I'll be a person on the
ground waving goodbye.
Have a nice trip!
Come on Arnold, now sit
down. You be the passenger.
-Uh huh -What's the matter?
How come i'm the only
passenger on this plane?
Come on Arnold, there's
a lot of other passengers.
They're just so relaxed
they're sleeping. ok?
- Ok. Is there an
emergency exit near me?
Sure. This plane
is full of them.
If you're trying to relax me,
you just said the wrong thing.
Now hold it Arnold, now this
is your flight attendant, and he
needs to make an announcement.
Hi there, this is your flight
attendant Willis Jackson.
Today, we'll be serving all the milk
and cookies and ice cream you want.
And today, our
movie is Superman!
- I saw it.
- well our other movie today is
The Wiz!
- I saw that too.
- Well what would you like to
see?
I'd like to see and tell
him what I think of him.
Come on Arnold, we're about to
take off so fasten your seat belts.
- Click, click -This is
your captain speaking
Ready for take off
ladies and gentlemen?
-And now we're up in
the air and captain Heely
walks around and wraps
with the passengers.
Whats happenin' bud?
How you doing cuz?
Ahh Bro-ham! Hi there,
relaxed passenger.
Any questions?
- Yeah, who's flying this plane?
- You see young man,
we got an automatic pilot.
This is what you
call a smooth flight.
And this is what I call
a smooth snow job.
Come on Arnold, we're
about to land in Portland.
Anything special you
want before we land?
How about a paracute?
- You wont be needing that
son, we just...
- made a perfect landing.
Here we are in Portland.
Thank you for flying Air Willis.
Now you see Arnold, there's
nothing to worry about right?
- Right.
- And flying in a plane is just
like sitting in this room right?
- Right.
- Then you're going to fly to
Portland right?
- Right. As soon as you can
get this room off the ground.
I really tried to get Arnold
to change his mind, Mr. D,
but it didn't work.
Well, gang, if he won't fly,
I guess we're just gonna
have to call off the trip.
No, Mr. Drummond.
I'll stay here with Arnold.
No. He's my brother.
I'll stay and give
up my vacation.
No, Willis. He's
my little brother, too.
You go and have a good time,
and I'll stay here with Arnold.
Well, if you're both
stayin', so am I.
Well, I guess I really do
have to go for a few days.
My friend, Larry,
may be losing his job,
and I don't want him to feel
that I'm ducking out on him.
Don't you worry, Mr. Drummond.
The kids and I will have
a terrific time together.
No, I heard you.
But I've given it
some heavy thought,
and, well, I'm just not
bein' fair to the rest of you.
So I changed my mind.
I guess I have
to fly to Portland.
Hey! Good for you,
Arnold. That's great.
But I want Willis
to hold my hand.
You got it, little brother.
And I want Mr. Drummond
to hold my hand.
Of course.
And I want Kimberly and
Mrs. Garrett to hold my hand.
Arnold, you ran out of hands.
They can hold my feet.
You're very brave to make
this sacrifice for the rest of us.
No. That's okay.
But first I gotta do something.
What's that?
Make out my last
will and tenement.
Daddy, relax.
I've never seen you so nervous.
Come on, Dad.
Sit down and relax.
Come on, Dad.
Sit down and relax.
Are you happy now?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good.
What are you so
nervous about, anyway?
You said Mr. Drummond's
a terrific guy.
Well, of course,
he's a terrific guy.
Honey, I just haven't
seen him in 15 years.
It could be very embarrassing.
He may have more hair than me.
Or worse.
My potbelly might
be bigger than his.
He'll probably turn out
to be bald, fat, and ugly.
Yeah. But when
you're rich, who cares?
He's really a great guy.
See, we've had this running
battle going on for years.
He owes me $4, but
he says I owe him $4.
Why don't you pay him?
I suppose you're too old
to be left on a doorstep.
Flight 23 from New York
now unloading
passengers at Gate 37 A.
Did she say Gate 37 A?
That's right.
Then why are we
waiting at Gate 37 B?
I think it's perfectly
obvious why.
We're at the wrong gate!
Ruthie, you better
wait here for them.
Why should I wait
at the wrong gate?
I don't trust airports.
I still got luggage in Bangkok.
Oh wait, what do the
Drummond's look like?
There's a Papa Drummond,
a Housekeeper Drummond
And three little Drummonds.
What a dumb question.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you lost?
No. Are you?
No, I live here.
Here? In the airport?
No, here in Portland.
Well, I just got off the plane.
I really love flying.
Some people are
scared. But not me.
There's no time to be scared,
either eating or going to the bathroom.
Are you traveling alone?
Uh-huh. I'm with my family.
They're not off the plane yet.
Well, how'd you get off so fast?
It's easy when you can
walk under people's legs.
You're funny. How old are you?
Eight, but I've been told I
have the mind of a nine year old.
How old are you?
- I'm thirteen, but I've been
told I have the mind
of a fourteen year old.
Maybe you should give
your mind a rest for a year
and give your body
a chance to catch up.
Do you have any
brothers or sisters?
One of each. They're
here somewhere.
Also, my father and Mrs.
Garrett, our housekeeper.
Father and a housekeeper?
Uh-huh.
Is your father's
name Mr. Drummond?
That's right.
Hey, gee, I didn't
know he was black.
I didn't either, and I sat
next to him on the plane.
I'm here to meet you.
My father's name is
Larry Alder. I'm Ruthie.
Hi, I'm Arnold.
Hi.
Daddy's freaked out.
He can't find them.
I found one of them.
This is Arnold,
Mr. Drummond's son.
This is my sister Diane.
Howdy.
Hi. You're Mr. Drummond's son?
Uh-huh. I'm black
and so is my brother.
Mr. Drummond's white,
and so is my sister.
That's the way it
works out at our house.
Hey that's wild Arnold.
Oh, here they are!
Gee, Arnold, you really
have a colorful family.
Black, white.
And right now,
they all look green.
It was a bumpy flight.
Some people can't handle flying.
Excuse me.
Mr. Drummond.
Here is Ruthie and Diane.
Ruthie and Diane,
this is my family.
Hi, Ruthie and Diane.
Nice to meet you both.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
I can't find them.
Maybe they missed their flight.
Hi, Phil. I mean, I've
looked everywhere...
Sarge, you old son of a gun.
You great big lug.
Son of a gun.
Lug.
Son of a gun.
Lieutenant. Sarge.
Son of a gun! Son of a gun!
Big lug! Big lug!
You look great.
So do you.
Where's that $4 you owe...
Where's that $4 you owe...
I'd like you to
meet my daughters.
Oh, I met them. They're lovely.
I want you to meet my family.
This is my daughter, Kimberly.
My son, Willis,
and my son, Arnold.
Hi. ARNOLD: Hi.
If I'm not saying anything,
it's because I'm trying
to think of something
clever to say cleverly.
Better hurry. We've
only got a week.
Oh, we've lived with Mr. D
ever since our mama died.
Oh.
Well, you couldn't have
picked a better father.
Hold it, taxi.
Well, I'm all set for Seattle.
Mrs. Garrett, this is my friend,
Larry, and his two daughters.
How do you do, sir? Hello,
girls. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Well, I guess this
is a little goodbye.
Bye.
Don't forget to
change your socks.
And your underwear!
Your underwear. Is she
talking to you or the kids?
Me.
Well, kids, let's get our luggage,
we'll get a taxi to our hotel.
Okay. Right on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. What taxi? What hotel?
I'm driving, and you're
gonna stay with us.
I haven't seen you in 15 years.
Besides, my rates are cheaper.
It's no problem,
we'll double up.
Well look what you're getting
into. There's seven of us.
So we'll cut one of the kids in
half and make it come out even.
I'm already a half.
No, no, no, we're not
going to put you out.
Now look, don't
argue with a lieutenant.
That's an order sargent.
- Yes sir.
If it's okay with
Mr. Drummond and Kimberly,
she could stay with me
at my friend Janet's house.
Thanks a lot, Diane.
That sounds like fun.
Yeah. But is it okay with Janet?
Why not? She stayed
with us last week.
She did?
I was wondering why one of you
suddenly had glasses
and a big nose.
Dad, that's a terrible joke.
Wait till you hear
some of Mr. D's jokes.
Paging Mr. Philip Drummond.
Mr. Philip Drummond, please
pick up the courtesy telephone.
Hey, that's us, Mr. D.
How'd they know we were here?
Well, my office knows
my schedule, Arnold.
See how important
my new boss is, girls?
Wherever he goes, they page him.
Oh, yeah. Like you
used to do, Daddy.
Remember when you had
yourself paged in that restaurant?
Kids.
- I don't know what's wrong with
kids today.
- Kids.
-Who can understand
anything they say.
♪ Why can't they
be like we were ♪
♪ Perfect in every way ♪
♪ Oh what's the
matter with kids... today
Mr. Drummond,
Mr. Phillip Drummond.
Please pick up a
courtesy telephone.
Be back in a minute Larry.
Dad, what's with that routine?
- Oh we did shows in the army.
We use to entertain the troops.
- Ours or the enemies?
This is Philip
Drummond, operator.
Yeah. Put him on, please.
Hi, Eddie.
Yeah. Are you sure?
Oh, boy. Well, if you need
to get in touch with me,
I'll be at my friend,
Larry Alder's, place.
Yeah. My secretary
has the number.
Okay. Bye.
What's the matter, Mr. D?
Well, you remember that computer
readout I told you kids about?
Well, it came through. Bad news.
Recommends for automation.
Poor Mr. Alder.
He's gonna get automated
right out on his behind.
Some vacation.
I'll be a house guest
of a man I gotta fire.
Hey. Hey, Ruthie, you don't
have to carry Arnold's stuff.
It's okay.
Yeah. Mind your
own business, Willis.
I like these Western women.
Well, partner, we know
how to treat our menfolk.
Especially when they're
short, dark and handsome.
Willis, some got
it and some don't.
Well, this is it, guys.
Hey, Arnold, get
a load of the sign.
Right. I made it myself.
You guys hungry?
We've got ice cream, cake,
doughnuts, pie and frozen pizza.
I do the shopping.
I think I'm falling in love.
Well, help yourselves.
You know, I think it's really neat
that your dad bought the radio station.
What's wrong? Nothing.
That nothing sure
looked like something.
Even when Willis says
something, it means nothing.
Home, sweet home.
Hey, nice place. Very nice.
Well, remember, Phil,
I told you it wasn't exactly
Buckingham Palace.
We don't change the
guards every few hours.
But we change the
sheets every few weeks.
Only if we're expecting guests.
It looks very
comfortable. Really.
I love it. It's got a kitchen
right in the living room.
Arnold.
It's great staying with a
famous radio celebrity.
Well, I wouldn't
say famous, exactly.
Well-known, maybe. Popular.
Highly thought of. One of the top 10.
You may be right, Arnold.
Listen, you guys are gonna have to
come down tomorrow and watch my show.
Hey, great!
And maybe Dad'll let you
say something on the air.
No kidding?
Can we do it tonight?
Tomorrow may be too late.
Arnold. Boys, you
better get ready for bed.
Okay. Where's the guest room?
It's in Los Angeles.
My mom got it.
No problem. Phil, you
can have the girls' room.
It may be a little
too feminine for you,
but if you get
hungry in the night,
Ruthie hides the
salami in her nightstand.
And we can sleep out here
on the floor in sleeping bags.
Hey, great!
Let's go put your
stuff away. Yeah!
Man, three in a room.
Three more and it'd be just
like the old days in Harlem.
All right, have fun, pal.
How about a beer? Sure.
You know, your dad's
a real nice guy, Ruthie.
He sure is.
Well, so is yours.
You know, I think it's really
neat that after all these years,
the radio station brought
them back together again.
You did it again.
Did what?
You looked at each other.
There's something going on.
You know a secret?
No, we don't.
I don't care if you do.
If you don't wanna tell
me, I don't wanna hear it.
Okay.
What is it?
Man, you women sure are nosey.
Okay, okay, forget it.
Want some candy? Yeah!
Forget it.
Uh-oh. She's
getting tough, Willis.
Maybe we better tell her.
Girls can't keep secrets.
She ain't like a girl.
She's more like
a tall, pale buddy.
Okay. If we tell you the secret,
you gotta take a blood
brother oath not to tell.
You got a sharp pin or a needle?
What for?
We cut our thumbs
so the blood spurts out,
and then we rub them together.
Our tall, pale
buddy just got paler.
You're gonna cut my thumb, and
then you're gonna cut your thumb?
I kind of had Willis'
thumb in mind.
Can't we just dip our thumbs
in ketchup and take an oath?
Forget the thumbs.
Raise your right hand
and repeat after me.
If I ever tell the secret,
may a lizard eat my gizzard.
If I ever... Stand up.
If I ever tell the secret,
may a lizard eat my gizzard.
And come back for seconds.
And come back for seconds.
Okay.
Mr. D is gonna turn your
dad's station into an automat.
Automate, dummy.
Whichever way, your
dad's gonna lose his job.
Dad's gonna lose his show?
Mr. Drummond wouldn't do
a thing like that to my father.
Would he?
You remember the
way we met, Lieutenant?
Sure.
You were hanging over the
rail of a troopship being sick.
I didn't know what else to
do, so I ordered you to stop.
Yep. I stopped, and you started.
Boy.
How are things going
now for you, Lar? Happy?
Very happy.
The divorce was tough,
but I have the girls with me
and a whole new life up here.
Phil, I love it. I just love it.
Uh-huh.
Lar, let me tell you about some of
the problems I have with my business.
See, my company is a
high-leverage operation.
We have to move fast. And
sometimes very aggressively.
But once we get the
"P" and "L" in line,
my board of directors
is able to ascertain
the viability of the
projected profit factor.
Phil, I have a
problem with that.
What's that?
I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.
Quite simply, Lar,
I came out here...
Dad, could I... I'm
sorry. I interrupted.
No, no, no, no, no. No, that's fine,
Ruthie. I wanna get settled anyway.
But I do wanna get
back to this subject.
Where will I store
my stuff, Lar?
Under the banner,
and straight back.
What did you want, honey?
Dad,
what would you do if
someone told you a secret,
and that secret was about
someone who should be told?
But you swore not to tell
because the someone who
told you, told you not to tell.
So you can't tell,
but you wanna tell,
even though you said
that you wouldn't tell,
and a lizard could
eat your gizzard. Well?
Honey, you could get
a ticket for jaytalking.
Dad.
Okay, okay.
Now I gather that you've got this big
secret that's just burning to get loose.
But, honey, if you swore
never to tell that secret,
then under no circumstances
should you ever, ever
tell that secret to anyone.
It's about you.
Unless it's your father.
No. I better not.
It'd wreck your life.
Ruthie.
Okay.
Mr. Drummond's gonna
get rid of your show.
What?
We should have
known better, Arnold.
I'm sorry, guys. But
my father's my dad.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Dad, they're gonna
automate the station.
Automate? Now, now just wait
a minute. Sit down, please, guys.
Now look, you... You've
gotten something mixed up.
What'd they do, Larry? Hey,
you guys been misbehaving?
Yeah. We didn't
wanna tell her, Mr. D.
She dragged it out of us.
Goodbye, gizzard.
Dragged what out of you?
Look, Phil, somehow
the kids got the silly idea
that you're gonna automate the
station and throw me out of a job.
Phil, where would they
get that kind of an idea?
Well, I've been meaning to get
back to that. I'm glad you brought it up.
You mean it's true?
Now look, old buddy.
Wait a minute.
Hold the "old buddy."
You're gonna automate the station
with a bunch of prerecorded tapes,
and dump my show, and I gotta
hear about it from the little rascals?
You gotta understand the
way business works, Larry.
It's nothing personal.
Nothing personal?
You're talking to the man
who saved your life in the army.
You never saved my life.
Tokyo. Lasaya Motsamora.
Oh, her. Yes.
Well, back to business.
Now you have to remember, I am
only one of the board of directors.
Yeah. He's the chairman.
Larry, I am also a friend.
So was Brutus before
he stabbed Caesar.
You got muggers
in Portland, too?
Larry, I am not
stabbing you in the back.
How would you like
to be station manager?
I'm not a station manager.
I'm a talk show host,
and I'm a darn good one.
I mean, look, if your
company doesn't want me,
there are plenty of
other places that do.
Just yesterday he got an
offer from Bear Claw, Montana.
That's right. Thank you, Ruthie.
Listen, radio stations are being
automated all over the country.
I know that.
Just like hamburgers
and fried chicken.
You can go anywhere. They
taste the same, look the same.
No point in cluttering up the country
with personal touches, old buddy.
Now, wait a minute, Larry.
There are two sides
to being old buddies.
I came out here to help you.
Hey, Phil, I appreciate that.
I mean, you could have sent a
stranger out here to cut my head off,
but you came out
to do it personally.
That was not kind.
You know, you've really changed.
You were always unreasonable,
but you used to be nice about it.
Well, you sure haven't changed.
You're still
welching on a $4 bet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here's your $4.
Can you change $100?
You don't think I can, do you?
Twenty, 40, 60, 65, 66, 67...
Now, $67.14.
I'll go get my piggy bank.
It's got a zillion pennies in it.
Never mind. I'll
write you a cheque.
No, you're gonna take the change.
Honey, go get me your zillion pennies.
Forget it. I'm going to my room.
The one with the
pink plastic hangers.
Yeah, you go right ahead, pal.
I save the wooden ones
for welcomed guests.
Well, I must be welcome
'cause I got a wooden pillow.
Well, if you want
feathers, go pluck a duck!
Boy, Dad hasn't
said, "Go pluck a duck"
since mom told him
to go milk a moose.
Line 3, Lar.
Hi. Time for one
quick call. Who's this?
This is Lyla.
Larry, I just don't
understand inflation.
What are we going to
do about the cost of food?
Honey, you can do what I do.
I take the family to the market,
and we fill up a shopping cart.
Then we zip right into the express
line and eat as fast as we can,
till we get down to 10 items.
I gotta go, honey. Thanks
for the call. I love you.
I love you, too, Larry. Bye-bye.
Bye. This is Larry Alder, I'll
be right back after the news.
Now hit this button and
the newsroom takes over.
You're doing great,
Arnold. Thank you.
Hey, would you like to be an
engineer like me when you grow up?
Sure. But I don't think I
can grow up that much.
Ruthie, your dad
has a good show.
Yeah. Yesterday
he was a happy man.
Today he's an
endangered species.
Our plan had better work, guys.
Ruthie, you wanna take
the boys into the booth?
As soon as the news is over, I'm
gonna introduce you guys on air.
Arnold, you're not
nervous, are you?
No. Me? Nervous? Nah.
Attaboy. Now just remember,
even though you'll be talking
to a half a million people,
they're gonna love you.
Half a million people?
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hurry up. Come on, Willis.
Earl, have you seen
Mr. Drummond?
Our lady producer is taking
him around the station.
Larry, she'd do anything
to save this station.
Right down to marrying a
millionaire. And I'd be the best man.
You'll find another job.
That won't be too tough.
I just wish old "Got bucks" would
have stuck around long enough
to watch the show.
We do the weather
from this newsroom,
and, of course, the farm
report is done in Studio A.
You've seen my office. And
wait till you see Larry's fan mail.
Earl, show
Mr. Drummond the fan mail.
Fan mail. Fan mail.
It's on the floor. By your
feet, if you can find them.
No. That's okay. I'm sure
Larry has an audience.
Anyway, thanks for showing
me around, Miss Winslow.
It was very nice to be
with someone pleasant.
You're wasting your time, Morgan.
The man has a heart problem.
They can't find it.
You're not being fair, Larry.
Mr. Drummond is a
very human gentlemen.
Human and warm and
brilliant and charming.
You have the softest eyebrows.
Morgan, give up.
You're no good at it.
Yes, she is.
Twenty seconds, Lar.
Hey, where have you been?
Checking the facilities.
You just made it.
Okay, hop up here,
pal. There you go.
Now, don't be nervous.
All you have to do is say hello.
Hello, Mrs. Garrett.
Hello, Kimberly.
We're not on the air yet.
I'll tell you what. You get up
here and watch Earl, okay?
You're back on the air with Lar.
And the number is 555-3567.
Now before we take any calls,
I wanna introduce
three very special guests.
My daughter, Ruthie.
And two visiting VIPs from New
York, Arnold and Willis Jackson.
Willis, how are you
enjoying Portland?
I was until you and
Mr. D started fighting.
Yeah. Can't you be friends?
Thank you, boys. Thank you.
Ruthie, would you like to
say a word or two, at most?
Dad, Arnold and I would like to
read a poem that we've written.
Poem? There go the ratings.
I'd like to hear it.
On the other hand, it
might be kind of cute.
This poem is dedicated to
Mr. Drummond and Mr. Alder.
The dudes who are fighting.
What is a friend?
"If your friend is buying some soda
and you don't have money to spend,
"who will let you lick his
glass when he is done?"
"A friend."
"When you come inside from the
rain and you get the carpet all muddy,
"who is the one that
you can blame it on?"
"Your buddy."
"When you flunk a test in spelling
and your teacher says you're dumb,
"who makes you feel
good by being dumber?"
"Your dumb chum."
"So Dad and Mr. Drummond,
we hope your fighting ends
"and you can be
just like your kids."
"Your friends!" "Your friends!"
Send in for copies, $1 a piece.
Diane? DIANE: Yeah, what is it?
I need a bath towel.
We're out of bath towels,
Kim. Is a face towel okay?
Sure. I'll take anything that doesn't have
Arnold's little fingerprints all over it.
Hi, Kimberly.
Mr. Alder!
Hi, Diane. Hi, Dad.
What are you guys doing home? I
thought you were at Janet's house.
We were, but she came
down with the mumps.
The mumps? I just kissed you.
Honey, don't ever
kiss your father
when somebody on this planet
has come down with the mumps.
Sorry, Dad. Hi, Mr. Drummond.
Hi, Diane. Hi, guys.
Hi. Hi.
I'm going in to change.
How about a beer?
No, thanks. I don't
drink while I'm driving.
Yeah, I'll take Arnold's beer.
Okay, guys. Let's
finish this puzzle.
Yeah, right.
That was quite a poem
the kids wrote, wasn't it?
Yeah, it sure was.
It doesn't change
anything though.
No. We both know that
you can't use emotions
when you're making
important business decisions.
Right.
Sure is nice to see
them friends again.
Yeah.
See, what I was
trying to tell you, Larry,
is that our think-tank recommended
that we automate your station.
Now, I couldn't reject
out of hand that posture.
Phil... Naturally, as
chairman of the board,
I have a certain fiduciary
responsibility to my stockholders.
Phil, could we just skip the
corporate fiduciary ding-dong posture?
Now look, we're friends,
and we will always be friends.
So you just do what you have to do
to keep the business going. Okay, pal?
I fully intend to.
You know, Larry, sometimes in
the corporate world, a rule is bent.
No, wait a minute. I don't want
you bending any rules for me,
just 'cause the kids wrote
a poem. I don't take charity.
Larry, will you stop
being so noble?
You're being noble,
I'm being logical.
If you were being logical,
you'd allow me to be noble,
if I were inclined to
be noble, which I'm not.
What are they hassling
about now, Ruthie?
I think it's my dad's noble
and your dad's logical.
Or your dad's
noble and my dad's...
Dad, what are you?
Noble or logical?
Tie a can to it, Ruthie.
But I thought you
guys were friends again.
We are friends.
If you were my friend, you would
listen to what I'm trying to say.
I defy anybody to understand
what you're trying to say, friend.
If they get any friendlier,
they're gonna kill each other.
Tie a can to it, Arnold.
Can I ask a question?
When are we gonna eat?
Tie a can to it, Willis.
What's going on?
Tie a can to it, Diane!
Why don't you kids
wash for dinner?
How? All our cans are tied up.
Dad, can I ask a question?
Do you have your
job or don't you?
He doesn't know. He hasn't
given me a chance to say.
Larry, you've got the job. And
it's strictly a business decision.
Open your mouth
and you're fired.
Now, I checked the station out. I
liked what I saw. I like your show,
the weather report, the
local news, the farm report.
Good people. Good programming.
And I think it should
be kept on the air.
It's all very nice and
warm and personal.
Now you show me one
automated station anywhere
where they let two kids read a
poem while a third one hums.
Hey, Phil, Phil, do you really
think the station is great?
Yes. And do you
really think I'm good?
Yes. Can I have a raise?
No.
You old son of a gun.
Big lug.
Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrett.
Hello, Mr. Alder. Thank you.
Hi, kids!
Mrs. Garrett.
Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
What are you doing here? I thought
you were in Seattle surprising your sister.
That's why I'm here. My sister's
in New York surprising me.
Oh, dear.
Well now, children, tell
me. Are you having any fun?
Terrific time. ARNOLD: Yeah.
Now that we're
all friends again...
We are all friends,
aren't we, Dad?
Right, Ruthie.
We're all friends.
That's a very important
thing. Friendship.
It's like I always
said to the sarge,
"If you're ever in
a jam, here I am."
If you're ever down
a well, ring my bell.
♪ Friendship
♪ Friendship
♪ It's a perfect blendship
♪ When other
friendships are long forgot
♪ Ours will still be hot ♪
♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum
♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some
♪ A man is born
he's a man of means
♪ Then along come two
♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans
♪ They got, Diff'rent
Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes
to move the World.
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes
♪ Diff'rent Strokes it takes