Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Woman - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter that you got



♪ Not a lot, so what?

♪ They'll have
theirs you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes

♪ Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪

Arnold, what are you
doing with that mirror?

I'm walking upside down.

I always said you didn't
know which end was up.

Hey, Willis, guess what?

What?

I'm bald.

Hi, fellas. Kimberly!
Mrs. Garrett!



Everybody, front and center.

What's the matter?
What's going on?

Now, I want
everybody to sit down.

Okay.

I have something
I want to tell you.

You sit up here. Oh,
you're getting heavy.

Okay. Now...

I don't quite know
where to start.

Well, some of you
may have noticed

that lately I've
been acting a little...

Weird.

I guess you're right.

Actually, I feel
like a school kid.

Good, you can go in my place.

What are you
trying to say, Daddy?

Well, what I'm trying to say is,

we're having a
dinner guest tonight.

A woman.

Now, this is a very
special woman.

Well, all right.

I see that Arnold understands.

Daddy, tell us all about her.

Yeah, tell us all about her.

Now, now, now. Wait, wait.

What color is she?

Hold it and I'll
fill you all in.

Her name is Diane.

Now, I haven't mentioned her
to you before because... Well...

We just didn't realize
how serious it was.

Oh. Are you gonna
marry this chick?

But she hasn't
asked me yet. I mean,

I haven't asked her...

I mean, maybe. All right.

Well, Daddy, if you're not sure,

why don't you just live
with her for a while at first?

Kimberly! I'm sorry,
Mr. Drummond.

That's all right. Kimberly!

Well, I think Kimberly
has a very good idea.

The voice of experience.

If I had lived with
Willis for a while first,

I would have never
been his brother.

Pow!

Come on now, Willis.

Daddy, isn't this
kind of sudden?

I mean, are you in
love with this lady?

Of course he loves
her. Look at him.

He even put goop on his hair.

That's right. I do
love her, gang.

And I'm quite sure
that she loves me, too.

When you gonna pop
the question to her?

Well, let's find out how
we all get along first,

and then we'll see.

All right.

Where does she live?

Yeah, where does she live?

Where does she come from?

Mrs. Garrett. Mrs.
Garrett, what's the matter?

Oh, I always cry at proposals.

I'm so happy for
you, Mr. Drummond.

Mrs. Garrett, thank you.

But I haven't proposed yet
and Diane hasn't accepted.

I'm just warmin' up.

What is she like, Mr. D?

Well, Diane is a
wonderful woman.

She's a widow, she has two
children just about your ages.

Two more?

There goes the bathroom.

All right, enough
questions for now.

I want everybody to get dressed
up very nicely for dinner, okay?

All right. Okay.

Dinner? I gotta go fix it.

Kimberly, dear.

I think I'll wear my blue
denim jeans and my sneakers.

No, no. Forget it. I'll
just dress you. Go ahead.

I guess I kind of took
you by surprise, didn't I?

Yeah, sort of, but
that's okay, Daddy.

You know, when your mother died,

I thought probably I would
never get married again.

And then I met
Diane and... Well...

I hope you understand.

I do.

I guess it's just the
idea of a new mom.

Well, it takes a
little getting used to.

I'm still adjusting to sharing
you with Willis and Arnold.

I know.

But I'm sure you'll
approve of Diane.

Hey, maybe I'll ask her tonight.

Daddy, if she makes you happy, then
we'll be happy to have her for a mother.

How about that? The
man's getting married.

We'll probably have a great
big wedding and everything.

Do you think a downtown
wedding is like a Harlem wedding?

I guess so.

But only in Harlem when they
play Here Comes the Bride,

the bride boogies
down the aisle.

Do you think Mr. D will get down
on one knee and propose to Diane

like those rich white men
do on those old TV movies?

Maybe.

Yeah, I just hope he ain't
too old to get back up again.

Maybe we ought to throw
Mr. D a bachelor party.

What's a bachelor party?

When a lot of dudes come
around and you eat cake.

Oh, yeah, I heard of those.

And a naked lady
jumps out of the cake.

Arnold, you're a lot
older on the inside

than you look to
be on the outside.

Hey, Willis, after the wedding,

let's tie empty cans to
Mr. Drummond's limousine.

Well, just don't go
using no sardine cans,

or they'll be followed by
half the cats in New York.

I wonder where the
wedding's gonna be.

I wonder where we're all
going for our honeymoon.

Don't you know nothin'?

When a man and his wife
go on their honeymoon,

they don't take their kids.

They don't? Of course not.

Then how do they
expect to have any fun?

Arnold, you got a lot to
learn about men and women.

What do you know that I don't?

I know about the
birds and the bees.

Quit changin' the subject.

The subject is the birds and
the bees on a honeymoon.

I'll explain it to you
when you're ready.

How'll I know when I'm ready?

When I don't have
to explain it to you.

Willis, you sure do know
how to bring a guy down.

What do you mean?

I came up here all
happy and everything

'cause Mr. D is gettin' married.

Now you tell me we
can't go on his honeymoon

'cause he's takin' a bunch
of dumb birds and bees.

Hold still, Willis. Hi.

Oh, you look lovely, Kimberly.

Thank you.

Arnold, you look handsome.

I do, don't I?

All set, gang?

All set.

Oh, you look wonderful.

So do you. You look great.

Look at that. I love that.

Look at that suit and tie. Wow.

Here she is, Daddy.

Go get her, tiger.

Hi, darling. Hi.

You can do better than that.

You ought to know.

Diane, I want you
to meet Kimberly,

Willis, Arnold,
and Mrs. Garrett.

This is Diane Sloane. Hello.

Hello. How do you do?

Mrs. Sloane, you're
a fine-looking woman,

and I'm honored to
make your acquaintance.

Why, thank you, Arnold.

I heard that on Little
House on the Prairie.

It's so nice to meet you all.
You're such a lovely family.

Thank you. Thank you.

And Mrs. Garrett, you're so
much younger than I imagined.

Well, thank you. You just won
yourself a housekeeper on my day off.

Excuse me.

I want to select
a wine for dinner.

Kids, will you entertain
Mrs. Sloane for just a minute?

Entertain her? Yeah, please do.

Okay. Okay.

We're no Sammy
Davis, but we can try.

Guys, I think Daddy means to
make Mrs. Sloane feel at home.

Oh. Oh.

Well, Mrs. Garrett? Well, what?

Isn't Diane
charming? Oh, well, I...

Isn't she beautiful? Well...

And she's so sweet and she's
just wonderful with the kids.

Well... I knew you'd
be crazy about her.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

You know, a lot of men my
age would be very hesitant

to consider marriage again.

A lot of people spend their
entire lives looking for happiness.

If you've found it,
grab it. Don't let it go.

That's what I've
been thinking. Mmm.

I wish I had done
that myself years ago.

After my marriage, I
kind of turned myself off.

Oh, I had lovely
opportunities. Lovely.

But I let them pass by, and
you can't turn back the clock.

No, you can't.

No.

You know, I've had a hunch

that you knew all along that I
was seeing a rather special person.

As a matter of fact,
I most certainly did.

How did you get so smart?

I'm no babe in the
woods, you know.

I've chopped down a
few trees in my time.

Well, I guess of all
the places I've been,

one of my favorites is London.

I flew with Daddy once
to the south of France.

Me and Arnold ain't been
past the south of Bronx.

We ain't even been
up in an airplane.

Highest we been is lookin' out
the armpit of the Statue of Liberty.

Well, maybe one day we'll all
travel together, including my children.

You'll meet them when
they come home on vacation.

Where are they? Well, my
son David is in school in England

and my daughter Meg is
in school in Switzerland.

Now, that's what I call bussing.

Don't you miss 'em being
so far away from home?

Of course I do.

But I think it's good for
children to be on their own.

It's certainly good
for the parents.

How often do you see them?

Sometimes I make as
many as two trips a year.

Only two trips?

Arnold makes more trips
than that to the dentist.

Yeah, and I don't
even have any teeth.

Well, my children know I'm
close to them emotionally.

And besides seeing them, I
phone them from time to time.

Well, phone calls can
make you feel good, I guess,

but for real happiness,
there's nothin' like skin on skin,

huggin' and
kissin', that's for me.

I'm at boarding school now,
but I speak to Daddy every day.

And I see him as
often as I'd like.

I think that wonderful
daddy of yours

may just have
spoiled you a little.

I don't think so.

Oh, you sound just
like my two children

before I packed
them off to Europe.

But, you'll learn to like it
just as much as they do.

Well, I... I think I'll take a peek
at that view from the terrace.

Excuse me, children.

Listen, guys, did you
just hear what I heard?

Her kids are in school in other
countries and she likes it that way.

Yeah, and we're
in a lot of trouble.

What you talkin' about, Willis?

If she marries Daddy,

then, where do you think we're
gonna wind up going to school?

Willis? Yeah?

I hope we like it in Africa.

Oh, it's no use, guys.

I tried talkin' to Daddy, but all
he's got on his mind is Diane.

You mean, he wouldn't
even talk to you?

Did you see the way he
looked at her all through dinner,

all goo-goo eyed?

If she says yes when
Daddy proposes tonight,

she's gonna ship us off to
school in different countries.

Yeah, we'll have to have
our family fights by telegram.

That lady can wrap Daddy
around her little finger.

Arnold, you and me are about to
become the Harlem globetrotters.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be
the only girl on the team.

We've gotta do something.

Hey, I got something. You do?

If Diane doesn't say yes when
Mr. Drummond pops the question,

they won't get married, right?

Right. Right.

And if they don't get married,

we don't get sent away, right?

Right. Right.

Well, ain't that terrific?

Sure, Arnold, but how're
we going to do that?

Don't ask me, I'm
only eight years old.

Man, I wish Freddie
the Fixer was still around.

Who's Freddie the Fixer?

A dude back in Harlem.

That guy could fix anything.

Except the judge who
gave him 20 years.

We've got to talk
to Daddy alone.

We've got to keep him
from proposing tonight.

Hey, I've got an idea.

What?

Oh, Philip, I've had
a beautiful evening.

I just adore your family.

And I just knew they'd
be crazy about you.

Oh, thank you.

Well...

We've known
each other now for...

Six lovely weeks.

Right.

And I...

Wonder?

Right. Wonder,
that's a good word.

And I wondered if you...

Felt?

Felt. Thank you.

I wondered if you
felt the same about...

Arnold.

About Arnold.

Arnold?

Hello, would anybody care
for some after-dinner mints?

Isn't he cute?

We do not want any mints.

Then how about some bubble gum?

No bubble gum.

Then...

Can you use a toothpick?

Good night, Arnold.

Well, since you're goin' to bed,
you won't be needin' any toothpicks.

You are the one
who is going to bed.

Well, as long as we're
up, can't we talk about it?

Arnold. To bed.

Yes, sir.

But don't do anything
you'll be sorry for.

Diane, would you like to
step out on the terrace?

Yes.

I'll go, too, and show
you our telescope.

Arnold, when a gentleman
takes a lady on the terrace,

he doesn't want to
show her a telescope.

Then what do you
want to show her?

The moon.

At her age, she should've
seen the moon by now.

Arnold, to bed.

Yes, sir.

Kids. They don't
give you any privacy.

That's why mine
are out of the country.

Well, as I was saying, Diane,

if you feel the same way
about me as I feel about you...

Which I do, Philip.

Then will you make me the...

I'm giving the plants
their Friday-night bath.

And I'm spraying to kill the
smell of lobster from dinner.

We don't smell any lobster.

See how fast it works?

Now, look, you two,

Diane and I are having
an important conversation.

That's okay, you
ain't bothering us.

Now, don't you think a
plant needs midnight air?

Well, I read once in school
that they need a lot of oxygen.

Kimberly, Willis, we
want some privacy.

You go to bed. But, but, but...

But, Daddy, you're
being cruel to the plants.

I'll apologize to them. I'll
send them some flowers.

Yeah, but this
plant needs water.

Now, off you go.

It sweats a lot. I mean it.

Good night, Daddy. Good night.

Please, excuse them.

I don't know what's
got into them tonight.

I think they're trying
to overhear something.

Yeah, I think you're right.

So, I will use sign language.

I think this speaks for itself.

Philip, it's beautiful.

Hi, there.

Oh, no. Arnold, I
thought I sent you to bed.

You forgot to kiss
me good night.

There'll be no kisses,

but there'll be plenty of
spanking if you don't go to bed.

Well, isn't Diane gonna kiss me?

Arnold, good night.

Good night.

Honestly, I've never
seen them like this before.

They're wild tonight.
Please, forgive them.

That's children for you. They'll
take advantage if you let them.

Well, now, as I was saying,

I hope you'll accept the ring.

I do.

And I hope you believe
in short engagements.

Oh, I do,

and long marriages.

Daddy, Daddy, come quick.

Oh, no, this is too much.

We've had an emergency.
Maybe we'll need an ambulance.

Arnold almost
drowned in the hot tub.

Excuse me, but I definitely
feel there's a plot here.

Here he comes.
Okay, now act drowned.

Poor Arnold.

Our poor brother.

We're gonna miss you, Arnold.

Poor Arnold, I pulled him
out of the hot tub just in time.

Well, how come his
clothes aren't wet?

I didn't have time
to get 'em wet.

Arnold?

Hallelujah! I been saved!

Now listen, I am very
annoyed at you three tonight.

Now, I want to know what's
going on with you three.

Come on, out with it.

You tell him, Arnold.

Yeah, you tell him, Arnold.

Why me?

Daddy probably won't punish you.

I wouldn't be too sure of that.

Now I want to know
what's been going on here.

Kimberly.

All right.

If you marry Diane, we'll all be
sent out of the country to school,

like her own kids are.

Yeah. She'll bust up the
family if you pop the question.

So we decided to
stop your popper.

So that's what
this is all about.

Listen, the last thing in the world
that Diane would ever want to do

is break up our family.

But it didn't sound
that way to us.

Well, then you must
have misunderstood her.

Then why aren't
her kids with her?

Well, they will be as
soon as we're married.

They'll come and live here and
we'll all be one big happy family.

Honest?

That is a promise.

We sure feel
better. Much better.

Whose crazy idea
was this anyway?

Hers. His.

You will never in
the world guess

what was going on
with them tonight.

Somehow they got the ridiculous
notion that after we are married,

you were going to send them
out of the country to school.

They're right.

They're right?

Oh, Philip, with
five children around,

we'd never have any time alone.

Oh, of course we would.

One day they'll grow
up and be on their own.

But for now, I want to
have my family around me

as much as possible.

Well, Philip, that's a very lovely
sentiment but a little old-fashioned.

Well, does that make it wrong?

Obviously, this is something
we should have discussed before.

Yes, we certainly should have.

You see, I'm not one of those parents
who wants to be chained to children.

Oh.

Well, I'm afraid I
don't see it that way.

Look, Diane, why don't you
take a little time and reconsider?

It wouldn't do any good.

You'll say goodbye for me?

Yeah.

Good night, Philip.

Good night, Diane.

All right, one fast good night.

Your daddy and Mrs.
Sloane want a little privacy.

Willis, what are you doing?

Stop it this minute.

Where's Diane, Daddy?

Uh...

She had to leave
rather suddenly.

When is she coming back?

I don't know.

Maybe she's not.

Does that mean that you and
her ain't gonna make it legal?

That's right, Arnold.

Daddy, we're sorry if we
did anything to hurt you.

We didn't mean to.

Oh, of course you didn't.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Okay, Daddy. Come on, guys.

Okay, good night, Mr. Drummond.

Good night, Mrs. Garrett.

Good night.

Mr. Drummond, I
don't exactly know

what happened between
you and Mrs. Sloane.

But if that's the
way it's meant to be,

life's got something
better for you.

Thank you.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yeah, you can
join me in a toast.

Oh, I'd be honored.

What are we drinkin' to?

To our little family

and what a wonderful pain
in the behind they can be.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some

♪ A man is born
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans

♪ But they got Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world! ♪