Die Hart (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sex, Lies and Videotape - full transcript
Coach Ron teaches Kevin and Jordan how to "work green" as he pushes them to bizarre limits.
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
KEVIN: Hey.
I brought you some breakfast
as a peace offering.
Food here is a little tricky.
It's just a closet full of beef jerky.
Apparently, Macho Man Randy
Savage was an alum here,
and he left his entire food
supply to Ron in his will, so,
snap into a Slim Jim?
Care to join me for breakfast?
Of course.
Jerky for two. [CHUCKLES]
Um... look,
I wanted to apologize.
- You know, I didn't mean to...
- Stab me?
Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.
Look, Ron... Ron is crazy.
I'm serious. He's... he's nuts.
Sick-in-the-head crazy.
And I'm convinced that
that motherfucker killed
a dude named Rodrigo.
And the motherfucker tried to kill me
just for being around his office.
And as far as your arm goes,
I know you think I'm lying...
I heard "retractable."
You know, I've dated
guys like you before.
It's always someone else's fault.
That's not true.
That's not true at all.
When I'm wrong, I...
I shouldn't say that
'cause I'm never wrong.
If... if I'm wrong,
I have no problem
admitting that I'm wrong.
But in this case, I'm
not. He said "retractable."
Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.
It's a badge of honor.
I heard when Jason
Statham came through here,
he got stabbed directly in the heart.
Did he survive that?
He shot Transporter, like, a week later.
What the fuck?
In the heart? They
stabbed him in the heart?
- Yep, right through it.
- Goddamn it.
Maybe I'm just doing the
wrong fucking thing here.
I mean... [LAUGHS]
... maybe this just
isn't for me, you know?
So, just leave.
Go home. I'm sure there's
a real hero somewhere in
need of a goofy sidekick.
Okay, uh, that backfired.
I thought that you would
go the opposite direction
and tell me that, no, I should stay,
and that this is for me.
That's what I... thought...
Well, what do you want me to say?
If you need extra
motivation to be the star
of a Claude Van De
Velde movie... [CHUCKLES]
... uh, you're in the wrong business.
This is probably my only shot
to be a big action star, so
I'm not gonna blow it.
I'll do anything it takes.
You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I need to stop all the
bitching and moaning,
and I need to cowboy the fuck up.
There you go.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
When I first started in the business,
training action stars,
every stunt scene was practical.
Or, as Kevin might say,
"retractable." [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's really good. That's great.
- It's not funny.
- But the industry has changed.
You can't even be an
action star without,
well, knowing how to work green.
Uh, I'm very familiar
with the green screen.
I mean, I've done about 15 movies
where we've had a green screen.
In which of those 15 movies
were you the leading man?
Any idiot can jump on a green screen
and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.
Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.
Oh, hell no!
Okay, who's finding the
time to dress him like me?
- It's really...
- WILCOX: Okay, question.
What does a leading
woman or a leading man
get to do on-screen
that sidekicks don't?
- Win fights.
- Uh, murder bad guys.
Make love.
Today's lesson is in lovemaking.
Yes!
[CLEARS THROAT] On the green screen?
Are we doing it on the green screen?
- Bingo.
- KEVIN: Nice.
Adding effects to the bed, to
the wall, just cracking 'em.
Okay, I'm gonna be candid.
I... I don't want to
do a sex scene with him.
That's fine, 'cause I don't want
to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.
[JORDAN AND WILCOX LAUGH]
- What's so funny?
- Okay, well, look at you,
and then look at her.
And look at you, then her.
- Then you, then her.
- Okay.
I don't get the joke. What
is... ? What... what am I missing?
All right, let me put
it another way. Uh...
Look at you, and then look at her.
[LAUGHS] Then look at you, and then her.
Can we just get this
shit over with, please?
Okay, let's discuss motivation.
All right, now...
after almost killing each other,
Agent Hart and Agent King
discover that they're on the same team.
After diffusing a bomb,
at the top of a skyscraper,
in... in the middle of an earthquake,
they discover this overwhelming
passion for each other.
Wait, wait, wait. We... we're
at the top of a skyscraper
in the middle of an earthquake?
Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!
You are the dumbest actor
that I've ever worked with!
Go! Action!
- [RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
- Red wire... or blue wire?
- It's got to be the red.
- Are you sure?
Agent Hart, are you sure?
I don't know.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BEEPING SPEEDS UP]
[EXHALES]
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
♪
WILCOX: Earthquake. Earthquake!
The building's falling apart!
- Oh, okay, um...
- Oh, okay.
WILCOX: Good, great.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit!
Hold on! Wait! Oh!
- Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Kevin.
Hold on, wait, give me a second! Shit!
- Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Come on, it's an earthquake.
It's an earthquake.
- Go.
- Yeah.
- Go.
- Agent Hart,
I can't believe we
just diffused that bomb.
We just saved thousands
of lives, maybe millions.
This earthquake's got to
be about a 7.5 magnitude.
This could be our last time
being together before we die.
Now kiss her neck
softly and start fucking.
- [WIRES SQUEAKING]
- What... ? Wait.
Kiss... kiss her neck
and then start fucking?
Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!
- Oh, okay. He...
- Uh...
I'm just gonna do it
'cause that's what he s...
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
- Yeah, let me put your...
- Give me that.
- WILCOX: Be sexy! Do something!
- Grab my leg.
- Okay, give me this one.
Have you never had sex before?! Do it!
- That's not...
- We need... All right.
- One second. That's it.
- I think we got it.
WILCOX: Go! Go!
Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.
It's against Bureau protocol.
Well, protocol was meant to be broken.
[SCREAMS]
Help! Help! Don't
drop me! Don't drop me!
Please don't let go! Don't let go!
- I won't! I got you!
- Don't let go!
I've got you, I promise!
CLAUDE: Can you push in a little closer?
KEVIN: Help me! Help me!
I'm too young to die!
Any closer, they'll see the cameras.
Okay, good. Hold there.
- JORDAN: I got you.
- Perfect.
- Help!
- Kevin, you're, like, one foot
- off the ground.
- You cannot teach acting like that.
JORDAN: I'm just gonna
let you down, okay?
KEVIN: Aah!
KEVIN: Hey.
I brought you some breakfast
as a peace offering.
Food here is a little tricky.
It's just a closet full of beef jerky.
Apparently, Macho Man Randy
Savage was an alum here,
and he left his entire food
supply to Ron in his will, so,
snap into a Slim Jim?
Care to join me for breakfast?
Of course.
Jerky for two. [CHUCKLES]
Um... look,
I wanted to apologize.
- You know, I didn't mean to...
- Stab me?
Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.
Look, Ron... Ron is crazy.
I'm serious. He's... he's nuts.
Sick-in-the-head crazy.
And I'm convinced that
that motherfucker killed
a dude named Rodrigo.
And the motherfucker tried to kill me
just for being around his office.
And as far as your arm goes,
I know you think I'm lying...
I heard "retractable."
You know, I've dated
guys like you before.
It's always someone else's fault.
That's not true.
That's not true at all.
When I'm wrong, I...
I shouldn't say that
'cause I'm never wrong.
If... if I'm wrong,
I have no problem
admitting that I'm wrong.
But in this case, I'm
not. He said "retractable."
Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.
It's a badge of honor.
I heard when Jason
Statham came through here,
he got stabbed directly in the heart.
Did he survive that?
He shot Transporter, like, a week later.
What the fuck?
In the heart? They
stabbed him in the heart?
- Yep, right through it.
- Goddamn it.
Maybe I'm just doing the
wrong fucking thing here.
I mean... [LAUGHS]
... maybe this just
isn't for me, you know?
So, just leave.
Go home. I'm sure there's
a real hero somewhere in
need of a goofy sidekick.
Okay, uh, that backfired.
I thought that you would
go the opposite direction
and tell me that, no, I should stay,
and that this is for me.
That's what I... thought...
Well, what do you want me to say?
If you need extra
motivation to be the star
of a Claude Van De
Velde movie... [CHUCKLES]
... uh, you're in the wrong business.
This is probably my only shot
to be a big action star, so
I'm not gonna blow it.
I'll do anything it takes.
You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I need to stop all the
bitching and moaning,
and I need to cowboy the fuck up.
There you go.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
When I first started in the business,
training action stars,
every stunt scene was practical.
Or, as Kevin might say,
"retractable." [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's really good. That's great.
- It's not funny.
- But the industry has changed.
You can't even be an
action star without,
well, knowing how to work green.
Uh, I'm very familiar
with the green screen.
I mean, I've done about 15 movies
where we've had a green screen.
In which of those 15 movies
were you the leading man?
Any idiot can jump on a green screen
and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.
Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.
Oh, hell no!
Okay, who's finding the
time to dress him like me?
- It's really...
- WILCOX: Okay, question.
What does a leading
woman or a leading man
get to do on-screen
that sidekicks don't?
- Win fights.
- Uh, murder bad guys.
Make love.
Today's lesson is in lovemaking.
Yes!
[CLEARS THROAT] On the green screen?
Are we doing it on the green screen?
- Bingo.
- KEVIN: Nice.
Adding effects to the bed, to
the wall, just cracking 'em.
Okay, I'm gonna be candid.
I... I don't want to
do a sex scene with him.
That's fine, 'cause I don't want
to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.
[JORDAN AND WILCOX LAUGH]
- What's so funny?
- Okay, well, look at you,
and then look at her.
And look at you, then her.
- Then you, then her.
- Okay.
I don't get the joke. What
is... ? What... what am I missing?
All right, let me put
it another way. Uh...
Look at you, and then look at her.
[LAUGHS] Then look at you, and then her.
Can we just get this
shit over with, please?
Okay, let's discuss motivation.
All right, now...
after almost killing each other,
Agent Hart and Agent King
discover that they're on the same team.
After diffusing a bomb,
at the top of a skyscraper,
in... in the middle of an earthquake,
they discover this overwhelming
passion for each other.
Wait, wait, wait. We... we're
at the top of a skyscraper
in the middle of an earthquake?
Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!
You are the dumbest actor
that I've ever worked with!
Go! Action!
- [RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
- Red wire... or blue wire?
- It's got to be the red.
- Are you sure?
Agent Hart, are you sure?
I don't know.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BEEPING SPEEDS UP]
[EXHALES]
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
♪
WILCOX: Earthquake. Earthquake!
The building's falling apart!
- Oh, okay, um...
- Oh, okay.
WILCOX: Good, great.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit!
Hold on! Wait! Oh!
- Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Kevin.
Hold on, wait, give me a second! Shit!
- Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Come on, it's an earthquake.
It's an earthquake.
- Go.
- Yeah.
- Go.
- Agent Hart,
I can't believe we
just diffused that bomb.
We just saved thousands
of lives, maybe millions.
This earthquake's got to
be about a 7.5 magnitude.
This could be our last time
being together before we die.
Now kiss her neck
softly and start fucking.
- [WIRES SQUEAKING]
- What... ? Wait.
Kiss... kiss her neck
and then start fucking?
Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!
- Oh, okay. He...
- Uh...
I'm just gonna do it
'cause that's what he s...
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
- Yeah, let me put your...
- Give me that.
- WILCOX: Be sexy! Do something!
- Grab my leg.
- Okay, give me this one.
Have you never had sex before?! Do it!
- That's not...
- We need... All right.
- One second. That's it.
- I think we got it.
WILCOX: Go! Go!
Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.
It's against Bureau protocol.
Well, protocol was meant to be broken.
[SCREAMS]
Help! Help! Don't
drop me! Don't drop me!
Please don't let go! Don't let go!
- I won't! I got you!
- Don't let go!
I've got you, I promise!
CLAUDE: Can you push in a little closer?
KEVIN: Help me! Help me!
I'm too young to die!
Any closer, they'll see the cameras.
Okay, good. Hold there.
- JORDAN: I got you.
- Perfect.
- Help!
- Kevin, you're, like, one foot
- off the ground.
- You cannot teach acting like that.
JORDAN: I'm just gonna
let you down, okay?
KEVIN: Aah!