Dice (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Prestige - full transcript
You normally
take me everywhere.
Why can't I come?
Shake, this ain't no poker game.
This is a big event. Had to RSVP.
You had to RSVP for this bullshit?
This ain't no bullshit.
You're talking about Cynthia
Plaster Caster,
you understand?
One of the most famous
artists in the world.
Her stuff is shown in
museums, like, across the planet.
I don't buy it.
All... all for making moldings of dicks?
Not dicks.
Erections of some of
the most famous rockers,
celebrities ever.
People like Hendrix, Zappa.
She did the drummer from the Kinks.
And in '89, she makes a
molding of the most famous comic
to ever walk the planet Earth.
Eddie Murphy?
I know what you're doing, Shake.
You're trying to get a rise out of me.
It ain't gonna
happen. I'm in a great mood.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Sounds like she's just making,
you know, like, expensive dildos.
Babe, I'm telling you,
wait till you see it.
I have seen it. Up close.
No, but I'm talking
about, you know, from 1989,
when it was at its
peak, you know what I mean?
When it was at its biggest.
When it... when it
would light up a room.
Okay, I cannot believe
this woman got famous for this.
This is so weird.
It's not weird.
These are some of the most famous,
greatest performers of all time.
I mean, here. Jimi Hendrix, right?
This left-handed
genius of a motherfucker
playing "Purple Haze" with
this hanging in his drawers.
I guess.
Look around. You got 'em all here.
Jello Biafra, that's a big one.
Yeah, look. Sonny Bono.
Ohh.
Looks like he wasn't circumcised.
- Here, take a picture.
- Intr...
Why would you do that?
What... what do... what's that about?
No, I was just...
Wait, wait. Carmen.
Carmen, come with me.
Come here.
Seeing something
that maybe looks familiar?
Oh, it's John Belushi.
Dice.
Can I take a picture of
you in front of your piece?
We can't seem to find it.
Hello, Dice!
There she is. Come here,
come here, come here.
- How are you?
- I'm so glad you made it.
How's it going? Listen,
this is my girl, Carmen.
It's really nice to meet you.
It is really nice to meet you, too.
I... love what you've done.
Thank you so much.
I hope you don't mind us
sharing Dice's manhood
with the rest of the world.
Oh, actually, we
haven't been able to find it.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
I don't see yours. Let me...
- Hey, Sandro?
- Yes?
What did we do with Dice's phallus?
- Who?
- Andrew Dice Clay.
What's it look like?
It's the really cool
one, with the special rim,
and it's got a little... you know,
it's got the knuckle bump on the side
with the flab underneath.
It's just... it's average.
No, it's... it's... it's average now.
It wasn't average then, right?
- It was beautiful.
- She knows.
- Yeah.
- I wasn't saying anything bad.
Well, okay, it's got to
be around here somewhere.
I'm gonna go find it, all right?
Yeah, you do that.
Why... why would you even say anything?
I was just trying to help.
Oh!
Top of the world, ma.
You okay, babe?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What's wrong? This about tonight?
What do you think, huh?
I wanted you to see it
when... when it was king.
I got the real thing right here.
No, I'm not kidding around.
Wouldn't it... wouldn't
it be nice to know
that certain things in
life just don't change?
Listen, I love you for
who you are now, okay?
Come on.
You got the "Welcome To
Vegas" commercial in the morning.
Babe, I used to do
stadiums, you understand?
I used to rock the world.
Now I'm doing free commercials?
That... that don't sit right with me.
Listen, forget about it. Let's
just get some sleep, okay?
Feel better tomorrow.
Come on.
I'm sure they'll find your penis.
- Rita!
- What?
- Oh, gosh.
- I can't believe it.
You... you're doing this, too?
Yeah. It's you.
I haven't seen you
since you left me standing
outside Rascals Comedy Club at 2:00 A.M.
after you promised me a
ride home to the city.
Uh, uh, you know, you made
it home okay, obviously, right?
- Obviously, yeah.
- Yeah. All right, look.
We'll... we'll catch up later.
- You're doing makeup now.
- Yeah.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Oh, no. Not this fucking guy.
Well, how you doing, fuckface?
How you doing, Wayne?
When'd they let you out of your cage?
I don't know. They got coffee?
What are you up to?
Let me tell you a little story.
Let's go back to 1990.
I was offered to play the concierge
in a little movie called "Pretty Woman."
I know the story, Wayne.
Yeah, but I want you to listen.
A friend of mine by the
name of Andrew Dice Clay
goes behind my back and
convinces Garry Marshall
to give that role to somebody else,
because he wanted me in his film,
"The Adventures of Ford Fuckface."
You know, Wayne, I think
it's time you let this go.
You're lucky
I'm letting you go.
- Hey, there you are.
- Believe that guy?
He's lucky I'm in a good mood, you know?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, we're gonna have you
paired with Criss Angel, okay?
What do you mean with Criss Angel?
He's a magician.
Comics and magicians, they don't blend.
- That's not how it works.
- What are you talking about?
All right, look, you're
new at this, obviously.
You don't know how the
game is played in Vegas.
I'll explain this to you.
At the very top of the
food chain, right,
you got the crooners, the singers,
all the way back to the Rat Pack...
you might not remember that,
with Sinatra and Sammy and Dean...
all the way to Wayne Newton, right?
Oh, yeah.
Now, right below that is the comedians,
the great comedians... the Dangerfields,
the Don Rickles, the Dice Clays.
Now, under that, well, here
comes the Blue Man Group.
"Ba, ba, ba." Assholes,
you know what I mean?
Sure.
Under all that shit you got, like,
the puppet acts, the
fucking ventriloquists,
that kind of bullshit.
Now, below that, all
the way at the bottom,
you got the fucking
magicians. You see what I'm saying?
You don't... you don't
want to put me with a magician.
You put me with a crooner.
Right. I didn't quite
get this hierarchy but, uh...
Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to...
see, I'm trying to help you.
I don't want you to look stupid.
So you put me, like, with Rita.
Right.
You put me with one of the crooners.
Sure. But, now, Criss here has made,
like, over $150 million from the Luxor.
Actually it was $160 million.
You know what, I-I'll go with the flow.
You know what I mean? I'm
a good guy like that.
I-I'll do the thing with Criss.
So, anyway, I explained to this yo-yo,
you know, that comics and
magicians, they don't mix.
I mean, no disrespect.
It's okay. You know, I'm
not really a magician.
Well, what are you? An accountant?
You know what I mean?
I'm the Mindfreak.
No, I get it. I get it. You're
re-branding yourself.
A mindfreak is actually very different
than a magician, Andrew.
A mindfreak performs demonstrations
of extraordinary mental power.
So, why don't you have,
like, some animals in the show?
Why the fuck would I work with animals?
Because any magician worth anything
has got some lions and tigers.
Look, buddy, I'm telling you, I get it.
You're intense, you
wear the tight clothes.
But you want to last on the Strip,
you got to put some animals in there.
I appreciate the advice.
But as I said, I'm a mindfreak.
I do tricks
with the mind.
Yeah?
Well, let me explain something to you,
'cause I know a couple things.
This is a
long life, my friend.
One day you're onstage at the Garden
and the Forum and the Spectrum.
The next minute, Mindfreak,
I'm onstage at a fucking
sushi place called Bonzai.
Okay. So, Dice, you're
gonna say, "Welcome to Vegas."
Criss, you'll say, "It's unbelievable."
Uh, Wha-wha... whoa, whoa,
whoa. Wait a minute here.
I say "unbelievable."
No, he says
"unbelievable." He's the mindfreak.
He does tricks that are unbelievable!
No, no, no, no. Uh, but
You don't under... Unbelievable's,
like, my thing.
It's my catchphrase.
Right. Oh, okay. But no
one's gonna remember that,
and it doesn't make any sense.
Everybody's gonna remember...
You know what? You know what, it's okay.
Just let him do the "unbelievable" line.
Let's just get this done.
Okay. Let's just do it. Whatever. Great.
- On your mark.
- And action!
Welcome to Vegas.
It's un-believe-a-ble.
Ohh!
Cut.
Doesn't make any
sense. And what is this?
I'm sorry, Miss Rudner.
It'll be about 40 minutes more
before they can send another limo up.
40 minutes?
I-I heard that. Larry, how you doing?
- Hey. Dice.
- Get over here.
Rita, honey, what... where you going?
- Uh, downtown?
- Yeah, no problem.
Let me make up for that
time I dumped you in Jersey.
Come on. We'll have a couple laughs.
All right, let's get out of here.
Oh, man!
I'm gonna give it the five-second rule.
You got to.
All right, that's good.
Dice, that's a
Lamborghini. It's not toast.
Don't worry about it.
Put your seat belt on.
Let's just get out of here.
You know, hanging out with you again,
like, this is a lot of fun, huh?
Oh, yeah.
I-I do apologize for
that night at Rascals.
I really do.
But I guess things like
that happen, so, yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Let's just, uh... let's just move on.
- Exactly. Exactly.
- Yeah.
We're mo... we're moving on.
You know, I was thinking, like, uh...
You know, we should film, like...
like some bits or something, you know?
You... you know
anybody, like, at Youtube?
You're ask... you're asking
me if I know anybody at Youtube?
Yeah.
You don't have to know
anybody at Youtube.
No, 'cause they're a big network.
That's what I'm saying.
Give me a second, sweetheart.
I just got to get this, all right?
Dice.
Hey, uh, Dice. It's
Sandro, Cynthia's assistant.
Sandro, how you doing?
Good, good. Listen, great news.
I found it.
- You found
it? - Uh-huh.
- I found your phallus!
- They found my phallus!
Uh, I... you have no idea how
I've been waiting for this call.
You actually made my day, Sandro.
Dice, congratulations, man.
This is a really, really nice penis.
Listen, is it okay if, uh, I stop by
like around 2:00
tomorrow to take a look?
Perfetto. Ci
vediamo domani. Ciao, bello.
Look at this!
What, are you running for Congress?
We talked about this.
You are looking at the
new Realtor for Carson Realty.
Carmen, get it out of your head.
I did not give you permission for this.
You didn't give permission?
Tell you what...
I'll give you
permission to go fuck yourself!
Don't get so nasty. What...
what's that about?
This is the age of feminism, Andrew!
The decade of Beyoncé.
Hillary Clinton is gonna be president.
So if you think I need to
ask your permission to get a job,
you need to get a
Delorean and travel back to a time
when people actually gave
a shit about what you think.
Why don't you go back to 1989
and see if you can
find your missing dick?!
You throwing so many
fucking insults at me,
I don't even know which
one to address first.
I worked so hard on
this. I busted my ass.
I had to go become
friends with Rose Carmichael.
So I actually don't give
a shit what you think.
Carmen... Carmen, d-do
you have any idea
how this is gonna fuck up my life?
How does this fuck up your life?
You know, you're gonna be
over there, I'm over here, what do...
what if I... what if I need something?
Like what?
Like... like the remote.
I can't even find it now.
You can't find the
remote? Okay, call the office.
I got to call the office to
find out about a remote?
You see how
ridiculous this is? Forget it!
Let me get this straight.
You don't want me to get a job
on the off chance that you might need
to find the remote for the television?
There is no off chance. It
happens like six times a day.
Okay, I'm starting Monday, so
that gives you the weekend
to gather all the tuna-fish openers
and all the remote
controls and get ready to be alone.
I just don't understand her sometimes.
I mean, she goes and gets a job,
that puts my whole life in disarray.
I mean, that's what I try
to explain to her all the time.
I'm from Brooklyn, you know what I mean?
We take care of our women.
East coast guys, you know,
hey, yo, Adrian,
I want to take care of
you, you know what I mean?
Yeah. But B-Balboa's from Philly.
That's not the point.
It's East coast.
Brooklyn, Philly, it's
all the same, right?
I get it. You like to help people.
Help me out. You can buy me a TV.
Why do you got to make it all about you?
I ain't making it all about me.
I'm making it all about
you buying me a TV.
Yo, Dice! Finally.
All right. We're here. Come on.
I've been waiting for hours, man.
- I'm busy, too, you know.
- Okay, take it easy.
Wait till you see my cock from '89.
- Shake...
- All right, all right.
- Come on, come on.
- this thing is beyond belief.
Every vein in place,
the rim is beautiful,
got beautiful color.
Shake, you're gonna want to
take it home and eat it.
Are you ready?
It's been a long
time, you know what I mean?
I'm reuniting over here.
Kind of nervous.
You ready, Shake?
Lay it on me.
And... voilà.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Where's the veins?
Where's the, uh... the
frickin' balls are too round.
There had to... this is not my cock.
What do you mean it's not yours?
It's not mine. I know my
cock. I know every inch.
Mine was the kind that,
you know, women loved it.
Wasn't too big, it wasn't too small.
The kind of cock you
could hang out with.
And this is not mine.
Now, where is it?
It must have been mislabeled.
Well, where is it?
Where the fuck is my dick?
Okay, you know what,
Dice, if we can't find it,
I'm sure Cynthia will
do another molding.
- Come on.
- You don't get it, do you?
I need my cock from back then!
From the good old days. From 1989.
The cock everybody
sucked on and fucked on
and did all kinds of shit on.
That's the cock I need.
Not this stupid thing
I got to carry around.
You got Dice.
Hey, it's the director of the
"Welcome to Vegas" commercial.
- Yeah, don't you got a name?
- Yeah, I have a name.
But you don't know
it, so this is faster.
Okay. So, what do you want?
Well, we screened the commercial,
and it's just as I
feared. People just don't get
why you're the one saying unbelievable
when you're standing right
next to a magician.
I told you, comics
and magicians don't mix.
The thing is, we're gonna need you
to come back in and re-shoot.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I come in there for nothing, no fee,
to help out Las Vegas,
and you expect me to
come back for re-shoots?
All right, forget it.
We'll just cut you out.
No, no. No, wait a minute.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. I'm just
having a bad day over here.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh, send me the
details and I'll be there, okay?
And then text me about 45 minutes
before I'm supposed to be there.
- You got that?
- Oh-kay.
- This fucking guy.
- Ho!
Marlon Brando.
Looks like he fell
asleep while they were...
It was you, Charlie.
Stop showing me Brando's cock.
Please?
And action!
Welcome to Vegas.
It's unbelievable.
Cut! Perfect! See?
He says "unbelievable," it makes sense.
Moving on.
Listen, I don't want to
sound like an asshole,
but Rita said that you
may have dinged my car.
No, I didn't ding your car.
I did ding a car, but
it was a Lamborghini.
Exactly. It was my
Lamborghini that you dinged.
- Oh, really? You got a Lamborghini?
- Yeah.
Maybe I should learn to pull
a rabbit out of a fucking hat.
Just say, "Man, I'm
sorry. I dinged your car."
- You know what, I...
- Just give me an honest apology.
No, it was, and I'm really sorry.
I... you know, I wa...
- It's ok... you know what?
It's okay. We'll let it go.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, you should come
to my show tonight at the Luxor.
Bring your wife, bring your girl.
No, I... you know what it is?
I-I just don't understand
magic tricks, you know?
It's like... like anything.
Like, I-I like Indians,
but I don't eat Indian food.
You know what I mean?
I get it. It's cool, man.
This shit's not for everyone.
Nah, come on. I'm fucking with you.
I'm gonna come to your show.
How's that sound? You
give me some tickets?
- Whatever you want.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Come on.
- We're all good.
- All right?
- I'll see you.
- What time's the show?
- 7:00. All right?
- You got it.
- I'll talk to you later.
- All right, man.
- 7:00.
- 7:00!
I got this, Carmen.
Did... did you bring any of my candy?
Like the Tootsie Pops, any of that?
All right, what is
it? You still mad at me?
Babe, you... you're awesome.
Being awesome is not the point.
The... do you even
know what the point is?
Yeah.
Like, you're... like, you're, like,
unbelievably organized with things.
No. I support you, Andrew.
Even when you do stupid
shit, I support you.
And the one time I ask for
a little support in return,
you act like a fucking asshole.
Are you ready?!
Go crazy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the number-one
magician on the planet...
Criss Angel.
Are you ready?!
Go!
Starting now, now, now!
Right there!
Yeah!
Ho!
You can see birds outside, too.
Thank you.
All right!
All right.
I have a t-shirt I'm gonna toss out.
I'm gonna throw it to the loudest person
in the loudest section.
Where are you?!
I mean...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Andrew Dice Clay!
Oh, come on!
Come on up here, man!
I don't want to go up. Come on, now!
Dice, can you come up
here? Bring your girl.
Carmen, you want to go up? Come on.
Come on up here, man.
Give it up for the King of Comedy.
Come on up here. Come on!
This is nuts. What are we doing?
Let him feel your love, people! Come on!
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
Hi. You mind helping me out, hon?
- Carmen, yeah.
- Y-you're Carmen?
Carmen.
You're beau... how did he get you?
That's what I want to know.
I want to try
something with both of you.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, sure.
All right, cool. You want
to see somebody disappear?
All right!
Let's open up the curtain.
Let's show them how we're gonna do this.
Dice, will you have a seat over there?
Carmen, you have a seat over here. Yeah.
Have a seat. Relax.
Carmen, are you ready?
Let's do it!
Place your hands,
Carmen, right through the cloth.
The beautiful Chloe will help you.
Dice...
look into my eyes.
Ahh!
You ready?
Cool.
Carmen, remove your hands.
Pull them into the cloth now.
It's gonna happen...
now!
Thank you so much! Good night!
What the fuck?
Dice!
Come on in, man.
Great show.
Thank you so much for coming out, man.
I appreciate it.
If you hang out for like an hour,
9:30, I have a
completely different show.
- You'll love it.
- You know, on any other night,
I would, but I got to get out of here.
I'm just, um... you
know, I'm looking for Carmen.
She disappeared.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
All right, very funny.
But no, seriously, you
know where she is?
You were there. You saw it.
Are you joking?
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
You're the fucking comedian, buddy.
You tell me.
You see, that's what I
tried to explain to you
about magicians not mixing with comics.
'Cause what you're
actually doing now is a bit.
But magicians don't
know when to end that bit,
and comedians do.
Andrew, I'll make a
little deal with you.
Yeah, what?
Make the dent in my car disappear
and I'll make your girl reappear.
Fair.
Now? What are you talk...
My car's parked out back.
It's the black Lamborghini
with the fucked-up door,
in case you forgot.
Excuse me, you know
where the parking garage is?
Yeah, you just make a
right, and then another right.
Right and a right.
- Right and right.
- Right and a right.
Okay, gotcha. Okay.
- Wayne?
- Hey, Dice.
Dice, I got good news for you, man.
You know that thing you've
been looking for?
The piece of art?
My thing?
Your thing.
I found it.
My thing?
- Your thing.
- My th...
There's nothing in here.
There never was.
Wait a minute. Wayne!
Wayne, where you going?
Wait a minute.
Where... where's the parking lot?
You make a right, and
then another right.
- A right and a right.
- A right and a right.
That's what you told me last time.
Yeah, I know. A right and a right.
What the fuck?
Ohh, ooh!
What the fu...
Hello?
What is go...
Wait a minute. Where's Angel's car?
You want it back, you're gonna
have to split for it.
Gonna have to split for it?
Dice, five-second rule!
You're gonna have to split for it!
Five-second rule.
W-hat?
What is going on?
I decided to take your
advice, Dice, and work with animals.
I know you all, God bless you, believe!
I ain't never been through anything
like that in my life,
I got to tell you.
That was crazy.
I mean, I open up my
eyes, they're all laughing.
Isn't that what you
devoted your life to?
Standing on stage and
having people laugh at you?
Yeah, but while I know it.
All right, listen. Listen,
I got to tell you this,
'cause I've been thinking about it.
I-I want you to take that job.
I want you to go to work in the morning.
Thanks, Andrew.
Yeah. Whatever you want, okay?
I got you.
How was the magician?
He's no magician.
He's a mindfreak.
Look, Sandro brought this by.
He found it. I had
a look, I could not...
- You already looked?
- It's a nice piece.
But don't open it yet until I go,
because, you know, it's breathtaking,
and I-I just don't want to be here.
So, enjoy. Enjoy.
Babe.
All right. You ready?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
take me everywhere.
Why can't I come?
Shake, this ain't no poker game.
This is a big event. Had to RSVP.
You had to RSVP for this bullshit?
This ain't no bullshit.
You're talking about Cynthia
Plaster Caster,
you understand?
One of the most famous
artists in the world.
Her stuff is shown in
museums, like, across the planet.
I don't buy it.
All... all for making moldings of dicks?
Not dicks.
Erections of some of
the most famous rockers,
celebrities ever.
People like Hendrix, Zappa.
She did the drummer from the Kinks.
And in '89, she makes a
molding of the most famous comic
to ever walk the planet Earth.
Eddie Murphy?
I know what you're doing, Shake.
You're trying to get a rise out of me.
It ain't gonna
happen. I'm in a great mood.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Sounds like she's just making,
you know, like, expensive dildos.
Babe, I'm telling you,
wait till you see it.
I have seen it. Up close.
No, but I'm talking
about, you know, from 1989,
when it was at its
peak, you know what I mean?
When it was at its biggest.
When it... when it
would light up a room.
Okay, I cannot believe
this woman got famous for this.
This is so weird.
It's not weird.
These are some of the most famous,
greatest performers of all time.
I mean, here. Jimi Hendrix, right?
This left-handed
genius of a motherfucker
playing "Purple Haze" with
this hanging in his drawers.
I guess.
Look around. You got 'em all here.
Jello Biafra, that's a big one.
Yeah, look. Sonny Bono.
Ohh.
Looks like he wasn't circumcised.
- Here, take a picture.
- Intr...
Why would you do that?
What... what do... what's that about?
No, I was just...
Wait, wait. Carmen.
Carmen, come with me.
Come here.
Seeing something
that maybe looks familiar?
Oh, it's John Belushi.
Dice.
Can I take a picture of
you in front of your piece?
We can't seem to find it.
Hello, Dice!
There she is. Come here,
come here, come here.
- How are you?
- I'm so glad you made it.
How's it going? Listen,
this is my girl, Carmen.
It's really nice to meet you.
It is really nice to meet you, too.
I... love what you've done.
Thank you so much.
I hope you don't mind us
sharing Dice's manhood
with the rest of the world.
Oh, actually, we
haven't been able to find it.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
I don't see yours. Let me...
- Hey, Sandro?
- Yes?
What did we do with Dice's phallus?
- Who?
- Andrew Dice Clay.
What's it look like?
It's the really cool
one, with the special rim,
and it's got a little... you know,
it's got the knuckle bump on the side
with the flab underneath.
It's just... it's average.
No, it's... it's... it's average now.
It wasn't average then, right?
- It was beautiful.
- She knows.
- Yeah.
- I wasn't saying anything bad.
Well, okay, it's got to
be around here somewhere.
I'm gonna go find it, all right?
Yeah, you do that.
Why... why would you even say anything?
I was just trying to help.
Oh!
Top of the world, ma.
You okay, babe?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What's wrong? This about tonight?
What do you think, huh?
I wanted you to see it
when... when it was king.
I got the real thing right here.
No, I'm not kidding around.
Wouldn't it... wouldn't
it be nice to know
that certain things in
life just don't change?
Listen, I love you for
who you are now, okay?
Come on.
You got the "Welcome To
Vegas" commercial in the morning.
Babe, I used to do
stadiums, you understand?
I used to rock the world.
Now I'm doing free commercials?
That... that don't sit right with me.
Listen, forget about it. Let's
just get some sleep, okay?
Feel better tomorrow.
Come on.
I'm sure they'll find your penis.
- Rita!
- What?
- Oh, gosh.
- I can't believe it.
You... you're doing this, too?
Yeah. It's you.
I haven't seen you
since you left me standing
outside Rascals Comedy Club at 2:00 A.M.
after you promised me a
ride home to the city.
Uh, uh, you know, you made
it home okay, obviously, right?
- Obviously, yeah.
- Yeah. All right, look.
We'll... we'll catch up later.
- You're doing makeup now.
- Yeah.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Oh, no. Not this fucking guy.
Well, how you doing, fuckface?
How you doing, Wayne?
When'd they let you out of your cage?
I don't know. They got coffee?
What are you up to?
Let me tell you a little story.
Let's go back to 1990.
I was offered to play the concierge
in a little movie called "Pretty Woman."
I know the story, Wayne.
Yeah, but I want you to listen.
A friend of mine by the
name of Andrew Dice Clay
goes behind my back and
convinces Garry Marshall
to give that role to somebody else,
because he wanted me in his film,
"The Adventures of Ford Fuckface."
You know, Wayne, I think
it's time you let this go.
You're lucky
I'm letting you go.
- Hey, there you are.
- Believe that guy?
He's lucky I'm in a good mood, you know?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, we're gonna have you
paired with Criss Angel, okay?
What do you mean with Criss Angel?
He's a magician.
Comics and magicians, they don't blend.
- That's not how it works.
- What are you talking about?
All right, look, you're
new at this, obviously.
You don't know how the
game is played in Vegas.
I'll explain this to you.
At the very top of the
food chain, right,
you got the crooners, the singers,
all the way back to the Rat Pack...
you might not remember that,
with Sinatra and Sammy and Dean...
all the way to Wayne Newton, right?
Oh, yeah.
Now, right below that is the comedians,
the great comedians... the Dangerfields,
the Don Rickles, the Dice Clays.
Now, under that, well, here
comes the Blue Man Group.
"Ba, ba, ba." Assholes,
you know what I mean?
Sure.
Under all that shit you got, like,
the puppet acts, the
fucking ventriloquists,
that kind of bullshit.
Now, below that, all
the way at the bottom,
you got the fucking
magicians. You see what I'm saying?
You don't... you don't
want to put me with a magician.
You put me with a crooner.
Right. I didn't quite
get this hierarchy but, uh...
Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to...
see, I'm trying to help you.
I don't want you to look stupid.
So you put me, like, with Rita.
Right.
You put me with one of the crooners.
Sure. But, now, Criss here has made,
like, over $150 million from the Luxor.
Actually it was $160 million.
You know what, I-I'll go with the flow.
You know what I mean? I'm
a good guy like that.
I-I'll do the thing with Criss.
So, anyway, I explained to this yo-yo,
you know, that comics and
magicians, they don't mix.
I mean, no disrespect.
It's okay. You know, I'm
not really a magician.
Well, what are you? An accountant?
You know what I mean?
I'm the Mindfreak.
No, I get it. I get it. You're
re-branding yourself.
A mindfreak is actually very different
than a magician, Andrew.
A mindfreak performs demonstrations
of extraordinary mental power.
So, why don't you have,
like, some animals in the show?
Why the fuck would I work with animals?
Because any magician worth anything
has got some lions and tigers.
Look, buddy, I'm telling you, I get it.
You're intense, you
wear the tight clothes.
But you want to last on the Strip,
you got to put some animals in there.
I appreciate the advice.
But as I said, I'm a mindfreak.
I do tricks
with the mind.
Yeah?
Well, let me explain something to you,
'cause I know a couple things.
This is a
long life, my friend.
One day you're onstage at the Garden
and the Forum and the Spectrum.
The next minute, Mindfreak,
I'm onstage at a fucking
sushi place called Bonzai.
Okay. So, Dice, you're
gonna say, "Welcome to Vegas."
Criss, you'll say, "It's unbelievable."
Uh, Wha-wha... whoa, whoa,
whoa. Wait a minute here.
I say "unbelievable."
No, he says
"unbelievable." He's the mindfreak.
He does tricks that are unbelievable!
No, no, no, no. Uh, but
You don't under... Unbelievable's,
like, my thing.
It's my catchphrase.
Right. Oh, okay. But no
one's gonna remember that,
and it doesn't make any sense.
Everybody's gonna remember...
You know what? You know what, it's okay.
Just let him do the "unbelievable" line.
Let's just get this done.
Okay. Let's just do it. Whatever. Great.
- On your mark.
- And action!
Welcome to Vegas.
It's un-believe-a-ble.
Ohh!
Cut.
Doesn't make any
sense. And what is this?
I'm sorry, Miss Rudner.
It'll be about 40 minutes more
before they can send another limo up.
40 minutes?
I-I heard that. Larry, how you doing?
- Hey. Dice.
- Get over here.
Rita, honey, what... where you going?
- Uh, downtown?
- Yeah, no problem.
Let me make up for that
time I dumped you in Jersey.
Come on. We'll have a couple laughs.
All right, let's get out of here.
Oh, man!
I'm gonna give it the five-second rule.
You got to.
All right, that's good.
Dice, that's a
Lamborghini. It's not toast.
Don't worry about it.
Put your seat belt on.
Let's just get out of here.
You know, hanging out with you again,
like, this is a lot of fun, huh?
Oh, yeah.
I-I do apologize for
that night at Rascals.
I really do.
But I guess things like
that happen, so, yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Let's just, uh... let's just move on.
- Exactly. Exactly.
- Yeah.
We're mo... we're moving on.
You know, I was thinking, like, uh...
You know, we should film, like...
like some bits or something, you know?
You... you know
anybody, like, at Youtube?
You're ask... you're asking
me if I know anybody at Youtube?
Yeah.
You don't have to know
anybody at Youtube.
No, 'cause they're a big network.
That's what I'm saying.
Give me a second, sweetheart.
I just got to get this, all right?
Dice.
Hey, uh, Dice. It's
Sandro, Cynthia's assistant.
Sandro, how you doing?
Good, good. Listen, great news.
I found it.
- You found
it? - Uh-huh.
- I found your phallus!
- They found my phallus!
Uh, I... you have no idea how
I've been waiting for this call.
You actually made my day, Sandro.
Dice, congratulations, man.
This is a really, really nice penis.
Listen, is it okay if, uh, I stop by
like around 2:00
tomorrow to take a look?
Perfetto. Ci
vediamo domani. Ciao, bello.
Look at this!
What, are you running for Congress?
We talked about this.
You are looking at the
new Realtor for Carson Realty.
Carmen, get it out of your head.
I did not give you permission for this.
You didn't give permission?
Tell you what...
I'll give you
permission to go fuck yourself!
Don't get so nasty. What...
what's that about?
This is the age of feminism, Andrew!
The decade of Beyoncé.
Hillary Clinton is gonna be president.
So if you think I need to
ask your permission to get a job,
you need to get a
Delorean and travel back to a time
when people actually gave
a shit about what you think.
Why don't you go back to 1989
and see if you can
find your missing dick?!
You throwing so many
fucking insults at me,
I don't even know which
one to address first.
I worked so hard on
this. I busted my ass.
I had to go become
friends with Rose Carmichael.
So I actually don't give
a shit what you think.
Carmen... Carmen, d-do
you have any idea
how this is gonna fuck up my life?
How does this fuck up your life?
You know, you're gonna be
over there, I'm over here, what do...
what if I... what if I need something?
Like what?
Like... like the remote.
I can't even find it now.
You can't find the
remote? Okay, call the office.
I got to call the office to
find out about a remote?
You see how
ridiculous this is? Forget it!
Let me get this straight.
You don't want me to get a job
on the off chance that you might need
to find the remote for the television?
There is no off chance. It
happens like six times a day.
Okay, I'm starting Monday, so
that gives you the weekend
to gather all the tuna-fish openers
and all the remote
controls and get ready to be alone.
I just don't understand her sometimes.
I mean, she goes and gets a job,
that puts my whole life in disarray.
I mean, that's what I try
to explain to her all the time.
I'm from Brooklyn, you know what I mean?
We take care of our women.
East coast guys, you know,
hey, yo, Adrian,
I want to take care of
you, you know what I mean?
Yeah. But B-Balboa's from Philly.
That's not the point.
It's East coast.
Brooklyn, Philly, it's
all the same, right?
I get it. You like to help people.
Help me out. You can buy me a TV.
Why do you got to make it all about you?
I ain't making it all about me.
I'm making it all about
you buying me a TV.
Yo, Dice! Finally.
All right. We're here. Come on.
I've been waiting for hours, man.
- I'm busy, too, you know.
- Okay, take it easy.
Wait till you see my cock from '89.
- Shake...
- All right, all right.
- Come on, come on.
- this thing is beyond belief.
Every vein in place,
the rim is beautiful,
got beautiful color.
Shake, you're gonna want to
take it home and eat it.
Are you ready?
It's been a long
time, you know what I mean?
I'm reuniting over here.
Kind of nervous.
You ready, Shake?
Lay it on me.
And... voilà.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Where's the veins?
Where's the, uh... the
frickin' balls are too round.
There had to... this is not my cock.
What do you mean it's not yours?
It's not mine. I know my
cock. I know every inch.
Mine was the kind that,
you know, women loved it.
Wasn't too big, it wasn't too small.
The kind of cock you
could hang out with.
And this is not mine.
Now, where is it?
It must have been mislabeled.
Well, where is it?
Where the fuck is my dick?
Okay, you know what,
Dice, if we can't find it,
I'm sure Cynthia will
do another molding.
- Come on.
- You don't get it, do you?
I need my cock from back then!
From the good old days. From 1989.
The cock everybody
sucked on and fucked on
and did all kinds of shit on.
That's the cock I need.
Not this stupid thing
I got to carry around.
You got Dice.
Hey, it's the director of the
"Welcome to Vegas" commercial.
- Yeah, don't you got a name?
- Yeah, I have a name.
But you don't know
it, so this is faster.
Okay. So, what do you want?
Well, we screened the commercial,
and it's just as I
feared. People just don't get
why you're the one saying unbelievable
when you're standing right
next to a magician.
I told you, comics
and magicians don't mix.
The thing is, we're gonna need you
to come back in and re-shoot.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I come in there for nothing, no fee,
to help out Las Vegas,
and you expect me to
come back for re-shoots?
All right, forget it.
We'll just cut you out.
No, no. No, wait a minute.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. I'm just
having a bad day over here.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh, send me the
details and I'll be there, okay?
And then text me about 45 minutes
before I'm supposed to be there.
- You got that?
- Oh-kay.
- This fucking guy.
- Ho!
Marlon Brando.
Looks like he fell
asleep while they were...
It was you, Charlie.
Stop showing me Brando's cock.
Please?
And action!
Welcome to Vegas.
It's unbelievable.
Cut! Perfect! See?
He says "unbelievable," it makes sense.
Moving on.
Listen, I don't want to
sound like an asshole,
but Rita said that you
may have dinged my car.
No, I didn't ding your car.
I did ding a car, but
it was a Lamborghini.
Exactly. It was my
Lamborghini that you dinged.
- Oh, really? You got a Lamborghini?
- Yeah.
Maybe I should learn to pull
a rabbit out of a fucking hat.
Just say, "Man, I'm
sorry. I dinged your car."
- You know what, I...
- Just give me an honest apology.
No, it was, and I'm really sorry.
I... you know, I wa...
- It's ok... you know what?
It's okay. We'll let it go.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, you should come
to my show tonight at the Luxor.
Bring your wife, bring your girl.
No, I... you know what it is?
I-I just don't understand
magic tricks, you know?
It's like... like anything.
Like, I-I like Indians,
but I don't eat Indian food.
You know what I mean?
I get it. It's cool, man.
This shit's not for everyone.
Nah, come on. I'm fucking with you.
I'm gonna come to your show.
How's that sound? You
give me some tickets?
- Whatever you want.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Come on.
- We're all good.
- All right?
- I'll see you.
- What time's the show?
- 7:00. All right?
- You got it.
- I'll talk to you later.
- All right, man.
- 7:00.
- 7:00!
I got this, Carmen.
Did... did you bring any of my candy?
Like the Tootsie Pops, any of that?
All right, what is
it? You still mad at me?
Babe, you... you're awesome.
Being awesome is not the point.
The... do you even
know what the point is?
Yeah.
Like, you're... like, you're, like,
unbelievably organized with things.
No. I support you, Andrew.
Even when you do stupid
shit, I support you.
And the one time I ask for
a little support in return,
you act like a fucking asshole.
Are you ready?!
Go crazy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the number-one
magician on the planet...
Criss Angel.
Are you ready?!
Go!
Starting now, now, now!
Right there!
Yeah!
Ho!
You can see birds outside, too.
Thank you.
All right!
All right.
I have a t-shirt I'm gonna toss out.
I'm gonna throw it to the loudest person
in the loudest section.
Where are you?!
I mean...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Andrew Dice Clay!
Oh, come on!
Come on up here, man!
I don't want to go up. Come on, now!
Dice, can you come up
here? Bring your girl.
Carmen, you want to go up? Come on.
Come on up here, man.
Give it up for the King of Comedy.
Come on up here. Come on!
This is nuts. What are we doing?
Let him feel your love, people! Come on!
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
Hi. You mind helping me out, hon?
- Carmen, yeah.
- Y-you're Carmen?
Carmen.
You're beau... how did he get you?
That's what I want to know.
I want to try
something with both of you.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, sure.
All right, cool. You want
to see somebody disappear?
All right!
Let's open up the curtain.
Let's show them how we're gonna do this.
Dice, will you have a seat over there?
Carmen, you have a seat over here. Yeah.
Have a seat. Relax.
Carmen, are you ready?
Let's do it!
Place your hands,
Carmen, right through the cloth.
The beautiful Chloe will help you.
Dice...
look into my eyes.
Ahh!
You ready?
Cool.
Carmen, remove your hands.
Pull them into the cloth now.
It's gonna happen...
now!
Thank you so much! Good night!
What the fuck?
Dice!
Come on in, man.
Great show.
Thank you so much for coming out, man.
I appreciate it.
If you hang out for like an hour,
9:30, I have a
completely different show.
- You'll love it.
- You know, on any other night,
I would, but I got to get out of here.
I'm just, um... you
know, I'm looking for Carmen.
She disappeared.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
All right, very funny.
But no, seriously, you
know where she is?
You were there. You saw it.
Are you joking?
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
You're the fucking comedian, buddy.
You tell me.
You see, that's what I
tried to explain to you
about magicians not mixing with comics.
'Cause what you're
actually doing now is a bit.
But magicians don't
know when to end that bit,
and comedians do.
Andrew, I'll make a
little deal with you.
Yeah, what?
Make the dent in my car disappear
and I'll make your girl reappear.
Fair.
Now? What are you talk...
My car's parked out back.
It's the black Lamborghini
with the fucked-up door,
in case you forgot.
Excuse me, you know
where the parking garage is?
Yeah, you just make a
right, and then another right.
Right and a right.
- Right and right.
- Right and a right.
Okay, gotcha. Okay.
- Wayne?
- Hey, Dice.
Dice, I got good news for you, man.
You know that thing you've
been looking for?
The piece of art?
My thing?
Your thing.
I found it.
My thing?
- Your thing.
- My th...
There's nothing in here.
There never was.
Wait a minute. Wayne!
Wayne, where you going?
Wait a minute.
Where... where's the parking lot?
You make a right, and
then another right.
- A right and a right.
- A right and a right.
That's what you told me last time.
Yeah, I know. A right and a right.
What the fuck?
Ohh, ooh!
What the fu...
Hello?
What is go...
Wait a minute. Where's Angel's car?
You want it back, you're gonna
have to split for it.
Gonna have to split for it?
Dice, five-second rule!
You're gonna have to split for it!
Five-second rule.
W-hat?
What is going on?
I decided to take your
advice, Dice, and work with animals.
I know you all, God bless you, believe!
I ain't never been through anything
like that in my life,
I got to tell you.
That was crazy.
I mean, I open up my
eyes, they're all laughing.
Isn't that what you
devoted your life to?
Standing on stage and
having people laugh at you?
Yeah, but while I know it.
All right, listen. Listen,
I got to tell you this,
'cause I've been thinking about it.
I-I want you to take that job.
I want you to go to work in the morning.
Thanks, Andrew.
Yeah. Whatever you want, okay?
I got you.
How was the magician?
He's no magician.
He's a mindfreak.
Look, Sandro brought this by.
He found it. I had
a look, I could not...
- You already looked?
- It's a nice piece.
But don't open it yet until I go,
because, you know, it's breathtaking,
and I-I just don't want to be here.
So, enjoy. Enjoy.
Babe.
All right. You ready?
Yeah.
Go ahead.