Diagnosis Murder (1993–2001): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Roast - full transcript

WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

DON'T YOU GET
NO RESPECT?

OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, DAD

BUT I'M NOT DOING
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

COULD HAVE
FOOLED ME.

I FEEL LIKE
A VEGAS LOUNGE ACT.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH I GOT
TO WEAR THIS MONKEY SUIT

BUT THEN YOU MAKE ME COME
AND PICK YOU UP HERE

AND EVERYBODY CAN SEE ME.

YOU LOOK NICE.

BESIDES, IT'S NOT
EVERY DAY



YOUR DAD GETS HONORED
AT AN AWARD DINNER.

IT'S A COMEDY
ROAST, DAD.

BIG DIFFERENCE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

INSTEAD OF THE CHICKEN
GETTING SKEWERED

IT'S GOING TO BE YOU.

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED,
YOU PROMISED

YOU'D HELP ME WITH
MY STANDUP CAREER

BUT YOU HAVE
DONE NOTHING.

MM-HMM.

THE TRUTH IS

BEING MARRIED TO YOU
HAS HURT ME.

I HAD A GIFT
TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH

BUT YOU NEVER NURTURED ME.



IN FACT, YOU SQUASHED ME.

YOU'D GIVE ANY COMIC

WHO WALKED INTO
YOUR CLUB A BREAK

BUT YOUR WIFE?

NO, OH, NO, NO, NO.

OH, THAT WOULD
LOOK BAD.

I MEAN, ANYWAY...

HOW FUNNY COULD
LOU'S WIFE BE?

OH, NO, NO.

IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH
A... A LOVE MACHINE

I'D DIVORCE YOU
IN A MINUTE.

NO. I DON'T KNOW
ANOTHER HOLLYWOOD WIFE

WHO WOULD PUT UP
WITH EVERYTHING

THAT I HAVE
HAD TO...

GOOD EVENING, MR. SUMMERS.

HEY, I JUST SAW
RAY MASTERS.

I'M GLAD I REMEMBERED
TO BRING MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK.

JESSE, YOU KNOW IT'S KIND
OF AN IMPORTANT NIGHT TONIGHT.

I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU DIDN'T...

YOU THINK I'M GOING
TO EMBARRASS YOU?

IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST
THAT HOSPITAL BOARD MEMBERS

ARE GOING TO BE HERE.

WE HAVE TO KEEP
SOME SENSE OF DECORUM.

MARK, THESE COMICS
ARE RUTHLESS.

THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY

EVERY LAST SHRED
OF DIGNITY YOU HAVE.

THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD,
ARE THEY?

COUNT ON IT.

Woman:
YOU NEED MORE
MOUSSE, PRETTY BOY.

AW, LENNY, I'VE BEEN
GOING CRAZY WITHOUT YOU.

MMM, YOU SMELL GOOD.

NOW KISS ME, BABY.

I'VE MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU, TOO,
HONEY BUNNY.

OW!

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

YOU MISSED ME?
YOU FLEW IN TWO DAYS AGO

AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
TRIED TO CALL ME.

I DID. I TRIED TO CALL.

OKAY, I SHOULD HAVE CALLED

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
ON THE ROAD FOR TEN WEEKS

AND I WAS AFRAID MAYBE
YOU GOT BACK TOGETHER
WITH ANDY BAXTER.

ANDY BAXTER?!

WHAT, DID YOU LOSE
YOUR MIND WHILE YOU
WERE ON THE ROAD?

I HATE HIS LYING

DRUNKEN,
TWO-TIMING GUTS.

LET'S PLAY NAUGHTY GYMNASTS.

YOU CAN BE CATHY RIGBY
THIS TIME.

BABY, CAN WE DO THIS
A LITTLE LATER?

LATER?

NO, MY HUSBAND'S HERE.

NOT THE HAIR!

IT TOOK ME HALF AN HOUR
TO GET THE HAIR RIGHT.

YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR HAIR?

OH, LORRAINE.

OH, FORGET IT, LENNY.

YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

HONEY BUNNY...

AHH!

TOO LATE.

CHEERS.

CHEERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU GOT TOGETHER

SUCH A GREAT BUNCH
OF NAMES TONIGHT.

I'M IMPRESSED.

IS ANDY BAXTER COMING?

NOT VERY LIKELY.

IT'S KIND OF SAD WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU GET A SUCCESSFUL MOVIE.

$300 MILLION WORLDWIDE
AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE A BIG SHOT.

WELL, WHETHER HE COMES OR NOT

IT'S GOING TO BE
A SUCCESSFUL EVENING.

I JUST HOPE THOSE COMEDIANS
TAKE IT EASY ON ME.

GO EASY ON YOU?

MR. CONRAD, SORRY.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD

POSSIBLY GET AN
AUTOGRAPH FROM YOU?

IT'S NOT A
SUBPOENA, IS IT?

NO, NO.

I'M JUST A BIG FAN
OF THE
CONRAD & HUCKABYSHOWS.

OH, YOU ARE, HUH?

I HAVE ALL OF THEM
ON TAPE.

YOU DO?

I EVEN HAVE A BOOTLEG COPY
OF THE ONE THEY NEVER AIRED.

THE ONE WHERE YOU
TOLD THAT JOKE

AND THE AUDIENCE
DIDN'T LAUGH

AND YOU THREW
THAT TANTRUM...

ACTUALLY, YOU
STARTED TO CRY.

I WAS ON MEDICATION.

ESTROGEN, ACTUALLY.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JESSE.

JESSE TRAVIS.

JESSE, JESSE TRAVIS. UH-HUH.

YOUR MOTHER STUTTER?

WE MET A COUPLE YEARS AGO

WHEN YOU TRIED
TO KILL MR. HUCKABY.

THEY NEVER PROVED THAT.

WELL,
YOU HAVE A NEW PARTNER NOW.

TOM PORTER?

PORTER...

THAT GUY IS HYSTERICAL.

YEAH, HE'S
ALSO HISTORY.

I GOT RID

OF HIS SORRY BEHIND

WHEN I CAUGHT HIM SLEEPING
WITH MY WIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY...?

WHY AM I TELLING
YOU, ANYWAY?

BESIDES, I AM BIGGER
AND MORE SUCCESSFUL

THAN I HAVE EVER
BEEN IN MY LIFE.

WELL, WELL

IF IT ISN'T WALLY THE TAPEWORM
FROM THE CARTOON CHANNEL.

IT'S WALLY THE INCHWORM,
YOU MORON

AND I HAPPEN TO BE HUGE

WITH THE THREE-TO-FIVE-YEAR-OLD
DEMOGRAPHICS.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

"TO JESSE.

"I AM A BIG, FAT,
INCONTINENT PIG...

TOM PORKER."

GIVE ME THAT.

HE'S A SICK LITTLE MONKEY.

WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M WALKING AND TALKING
WITH JAY WILDE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M TALKING TO, UM...

OH, I'M AMANDA BENTLEY.

AND I LOVED YOU
IN
COP AND SAUCER.

I THOUGHT YOUR
PERFORMANCE AS THE COP

WAS SO... SO...

HUMORLESS?

I WASN'T GOING TO SAY THAT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

THAT ANDY BAXTER GOT
ALL THE FUNNY LINES.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE REWROTE
THE DAMN THING.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.

MAKE THAT TWO.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT...

OLD ANDY GETS ALL
THE GOOD JOKES

ALL THE REVIEWS

AND THE MILLION DOLLAR
STUDIO DEALS.

TO BE HONEST, THAT
MOVIE PRETTY MUCH
DESTROYED MY CAREER.

REALLY?

BUT I'M NOT BITTER, NO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I JUST CAME FROM L.A.X.

BACK FROM A TERRIFIC
GIG IN NEW MEXICO.

WHAT A LIFE.

FILMING ANOTHER MOVIE?

UH, NO, COUNTY FAIR.

I WAS A JUDGE.

OH.

SOMETHING WRONG?

I CAN'T FIND MY KNIFE.

FORGET THE LIMES.

JUST GIVE US
THE DRINKS.

EXCUSE ME, MR. MASTERS.

HUH?

I'M A HUGE FAN
OF YOURS.

I'VE SEEN EVERY EPISODE
OF
NOT UNDER MY ROOF, YOU DON'T!

AT LEAST 30 TIMES.

30... YOU HEAR THAT,
CONNIE? 30 TIMES.

AND I DON'T GET A NICKEL
FOR THOSE RERUNS.

NOT A STINKING NICKEL!

SWEETHEART, REMEMBER...
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M JESSE TRAVIS.

I'M FRIENDS
WITH MARK SLOAN.

AH.

OH.

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU

ON THE DAIS TONIGHT.

YOU HEAR THAT,
CONNIE?

THE DAIS.

TAKE YOUR NITROGLYCERIN.

NEVER MIND THAT.

I'M THE ONLY LEGEND
IN THE JOINT.

I SHOULD BE THE
ROASTMASTER HERE.

YOU SHOULD AND
NOT LOU SUMMERS.

THE ONLY THING FUNNY ABOUT
LOU SUMMERS IS HIS TOUP.

LOOKS LIKE A SHIH TZU

CRAWLED UP ON
HIS HEAD AND DIED.

Connie:
OH, SWEETHEART,
PLEASE, PLEASE

DON'T DO THIS
TO YOURSELF.

AH, POOR RAY... HE ALWAYS
TAKES EVERYTHING

SO PERSONALLY.

BUT WHEN YOU THINK
OF ALL THE UNDERHANDED THINGS

THAT LOU SUMMERS HAS DONE

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND
OVER THE YEARS...

STEALING HIS JOKES

USING RAY'S NAME TO GET
BETTER TABLES IN RESTAURANTS

AND CLAIMING...

THAT HE DISCOVERED BILL COSBY!

OH, I SWEAR!

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I COULD
JUST STRANGLE THAT SON OF A...

SHH, CONNIE, NOW DON'T
GO THERE TONIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

WE'LL WORK IT OUT IN
THERAPY IN THE MORNING.

ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

Connie:
GOOD, DEAR.
THANK YOU.

CAN I GET AN AUTOGRAPH?

Ray:
YEAH, SURE, KID.

NICE THAT
YOUNG PEOPLE

STILL REMEMBER
THE OLD MAN, HUH?

OH, YOU'RE NOT OLD.

THAT'LL BE
$35.00.

$45.00 IF YOU WANT
IT PERSONALIZED.

YOU'RE CHARGING ME?

WELL, HIS BUSINESS MANAGER
INSISTS.

IT'S STANDARD.

IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S DONE.

YEAH. OH...

EXCUSE ME.

RAY ALWAYS THROWS UP
BEFORE A SHOW.

IT'S A KIND OF GOOD LUCK THING
WITH HIM.

SWEET.

OH, I'M SORRY.

SORRY.

LENNY ROSEN.

RIGHT.

CAN I GET
AN AUTOGRAPH?

SURE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVEN
MAKE MY RENT HIS MONTH.

NOBODY'LL HIRE ME
BECAUSE YOU WON'T HIRE ME.

WHEN YOU OPENED THE JOINT,
I WAS YOUR HEADLINER.

WHY, LOU?

WHY CAN'T I WORK
THE CLUB ANYMORE?

HEY, YOU WANT
THE TRUTH, PAT?

WHEN YOU QUIT DRINKING,
YOU LOST YOUR FUNNY.

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

I'M SORRY.

NOW ENJOY THE SHOW.

DR. SLOAN IS SO EXCLUSIVE

HE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE
HOSPITAL CALLS.

I TRUST DR. SLOAN.

IF HE TREATS YOU
FOR A BROKEN ARM

YOU CAN BE SURE THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FROM.

DR. SLOAN TOLD ME
I NEEDED GALL BLADDER SURGERY.

I SAID,
"HEY, THAT'S PRETTY SERIOUS.

SHOULD I GET A SECOND OPINION?"

HE SAID, "SURE, IF YOU WANT.

COME BACK TOMORROW."

I TOLD DR. SLOAN

"I'VE GOT THIS RINGING
IN MY EARS."

HE SAID, "DON'T ANSWER IT."

I WASN'T FEELING WELL
AND DR. SLOAN SAID

"WELL, YOU'VE GOT SIX MONTHS."

AND I SAID, "I CAN'T AFFORD
TO PAY THE BILL."

HE SAID, "I'LL GIVE YOU
ANOTHER SIX MONTHS."

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU

I'VE BEEN TO SOME PARTIES
WITH THIS GUY

AND BELIEVE ME,
WHEN IT COMES
TO THE LADIES

HE'S A REAL DON JUAN.

THE LADIES "DON JUAN"
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

BUT WE LOVE YOU, DOC.

VERY FUNNY, RAY.

VERY FUNNY.

I THINK I ALMOST HEARD A GUY
APPLAUDING BACK THERE.

NO, HE WAS JUST SLAPPING
HIS FACE TO STAY AWAKE.

WELL, AS ROASTMASTER

IT IS A PLEASURE
TO HONOR MARK SLOAN

JOKER'S CLUB MAN OF THE YEAR.

WELL, MARK REALLY
DESERVES HIS SUCCESS

BECAUSE EARLY ON,
HE FACED MANY OBSTACLES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WHEN HE WAS A CHILD...

HIS PARENTS ALMOST LOST HIM.

BUT THEY DIDN'T TAKE HIM
FAR ENOUGH INTO THE WOODS.

GREAT STUFF, LOU.

WHERE'D YOU COME UP
WITH THAT OLD CHESTNUT?

JOKES FOR THE JOHN?

NO, THAT'S ANDY BAXTER.

THIS IS A PART OF HIS ACT.

HE'S FAMOUS FOR THIS.

DON'T DO THIS, ANDY.

YOU BEGGED ME TO COME HERE.

LOOK, LOOK,
I GOT THE INVITE RIGHT...

OOH, GEEZ,
THAT'S YOUR WIFE'S PHONE NUMBER.

THAT'S WEIRD.

OH, COME ON. GET OUTTA HERE.

LOU, WHERE DID YOU DIG UP
THIS LINEUP?

WHAT DID YOU DO, HOLD UP
A "COMICS WANTED" SIGN

AT THE FREEWAY OFF RAMP?

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

OKAY, I'LL GO...
JUST LET ME SAY SOMETHING

TO MY FRIEND LOU HERE.

COME HERE, COME HERE.

NOW, UNLIKE THE REST
OF YOU TALENTLESS JERKS

LOU WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME

RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

I LOVE YOU, MAN.

LET ME KISS
YOUR FEET!

YOU'RE MAKING
A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

WHILE I'M KISSING
LOU'S FEET

THE REST OF YOU LOSERS
CAN KISS MY...

HEY! HEY!
WHO YOU CALLING LOSERS?

YOU, YOU DYE-JOB
HAS-BEEN!

HIT ME WITH
THE SPOT!

Woman:
WHAT'S GOING ON?

Man:
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S DEAD.

Woman:
AND I AM
LEAVING.

Man:
I WASN'T EVEN SITTING
ON THE DAIS.

I'M GOING TO WALK OUT.

I AM NOT GOING TO...

I WANT YOU
TO KNOW SOMETHING...

THAT I HAVE DONE
NOTHING WRONG

AND I AM LEAVING.

SOMEBODY REPLACED A 120 AMP FUSE
WITH A 60 AMP.

SO WHEN THE SPOTLIGHT
WAS TURNED ON

THE WHOLE SYSTEM SHORTED OUT.

SO THE KILLER MUST HAVE KNOWN

THAT THE EMERGENCY GENERATOR
WOULD KICK IN

WHICH WOULD GIVE HIM

ABOUT TEN SECONDS
TO KILL ANDY.

LOOK, EVERYBODY ELSE LEFT.

WHY ARE WE THE ONLY ONES
WHO HAVE TO STAY?

'CAUSE IT WAS DARK,
THEY COULDN'T SEE

AND YOU WERE THE ONLY
ONES IN THE ROOM

CLOSE ENOUGH TO
STAB ANDY BAXTER.

NOT ME.

I WASN'T EVEN SITTING
ON THE DAIS.

WELL, YOU WERE
UP THERE WHEN THE
LIGHTS WENT OUT.

WELL, I WASN'T. I
NEVER LEFT MY SEAT

WHICH, BY THE
WAY, WAS VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE.

ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SUMMERS

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
YOUR STATEMENT

TO THAT DETECTIVE
OVER THERE.

I CAN SOLVE YOUR CRIME
IN FIVE MINUTES.

THERE'S YOUR MURDERER.

HE TRIED TO KILL
HIS OTHER EX-PARTNER BEFORE.

REMEMBER?

IF ANYBODY'S A KILLER,
IT'S PORTER.

LOOK AT THOSE EYES...
COLD AND DEAD...

JUST LIKE THE LOWER HALF
OF HIS BODY.

WHY, YOU...

YOU KNOW, NO ONE SEEMS
TO CARE TOO MUCH

THAT ANDY BAXTER'S
BEEN KILLED.

JEALOUSY.

EVERY COMIC HATES TO SEE
ANOTHER COMIC'S SUCCESS.

IT'S IN OUR BLOOD;
WE CAN'T HELP IT.

NOT IN MINE.

PERSONALLY,
I DIDN'T
LIKE ANDY

BUT I GOT A PRETTY
HAPPENING CAREER

SO I DIDN'T
HATE HIM EITHER.

YOU CAN'T SAY THE
SAME FOR THE REST
OF THESE GUYS.

MY RAY IS NEVER JEALOUS.

HE JUST DOESN'T
LIKE A LIAR.

ANDY LIED TO HIM?

HE PROMISED ME
A BIG PART IN
HIS NEXT PICTURE

AND THEN LATER HE SAID

HE NEVER SAID IT IN
THE FIRST PLACE.

SO, HE GOT STABBED
IN THE BACK.

IN MY BOOK, THAT'S
POETIC JUSTICE.

LISTEN...
I'D REALLY LOVE TO STAY

BUT I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT A MIDNIGHT SHOW
AT THE COMEDY CORNER

AND IT'S A REALLY
IMPORTANT GIG.

WELL, NO ONE'S
GOING ANYWHERE

SO JUST, UH, SIT DOWN.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THIS, DID YOU?

I'VE DONE SOME STUPID
THINGS IN MY LIFE...

THE COUNTY FAIR WAS
PROBABLY ONE OF THEM...

BUT I'VE NEVER
KILLED ANYBODY.

I SPOKE WITH THE BARTENDER.

HE SAID HIS KNIFE DISAPPEARED
EARLIER THIS EVENING.

IT WAS THERE WHEN
I WAS AT THE BAR.

WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT

IT WASN'T THERE
WHEN WE GOT OUR DRINKS.

ANY PRINTS ON THE KNIFE?

JUST THE
BARTENDER'S.

FORENSICS DUSTED
THE HANDLE.

I FOUND THIS
RIGHT BESIDE THE BODY.

HE PROBABLY USED IT
TO HOLD THE KNIFE.

WELL, I'LL BAG IT.

MARK, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

DUDLEY DO-RIGHT HERE

DOESN'T WANT
ME TO GO TO THE
LITTLE BOY'S ROOM.

AND I KEEP
TELLING HIM

THERE IS NO
EXIT BACKSTAGE.

Officer:
EVERYONE HAS TO STAY
IN THE MAIN ROOM

UNTIL THEY'VE ALL BEEN CLEARED
OF SUSPICION.

OH, LOU CAN'T
WAIT THAT LONG.

HE HAS THE BLADDER
THE SIZE OF A THIMBLE.

OH, GOOD, LIZ.

TELL THE WORLD,
WHY DON'T YOU?

OFFICER...

HE WON'T BE
GOING ANYWHERE.

GO AHEAD, LOU,
I'LL VOUCH

FOR YOUR BLADDER.

THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

LOU, LOU. LISTEN, LOU.

I GOT TO GO.
NOT NOW.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

YOU TELL A COMIC
HE'S NOT FUNNY

RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE TELLING HIM
HE'S NOT A MAN.

I KNOW.

AND I STILL GOT IT.
I'M FUNNY.

NOT NOW.
I REALLY...

LISTEN.

THREE DOGS
ARE IN THE POUND.

THREE DOGS, RIGHT.

OKAY, THE FIRST DOG
SAYS TO THE SECOND DOG

SECOND DOG.

"HOW LONG YOU IN FOR?"

HOW LONG YOU IN FOR?

AND THE DOG SAYS...

OH, RAY! RAY!

RAY, COME HERE.

GOOD JOKE; YOU
TELL HIM THE JOKE.

LOU?

WHAT JOKE?

OKAY, THREE DOGS
ARE IN A POUND.

FIRST DOG SAYS
TO THE SECOND DOG...

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

IT'LL TAKE SOME TIME.

OH, I KNOW, IT'S...

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
ANDY'S GONE.

OH, I MEANT IT'LL
TAKE SOME TIME

TO BREAK THESE SHOES IN.

THEY'RE KILLING ME

BUT THEY'RE SO
CUTE, AREN'T THEY?

HERE.

LET ME DO THAT.

HMM, OH,
THAT'S GOOD.

OOH.

THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW,
A FUNNY THING JUST HAPPENED.

I CALLED THE COMEDY CORNER

AND THEY SAID THEY DON'T HAVE
A MIDNIGHT SHOW TONIGHT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT

THEY'VE NEVER HAD
MIDNIGHT SHOWS.

HUH, THAT IS FUNNY.

HMM, I MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING
OF THE COMEDY CASTLE.

HMM, OR THE COMEDY CUPBOARD?

YEAH.

COULD BE, COULD BE.

OH, ALL RIGHT,
I DIDN'T HAVE A MIDNIGHT GIG.

I JUST WANTED
TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I MEAN, IT'S CREEPY.

DEAD PEOPLE AND ALL. YUCK.

LOOK, I KNOW HE WAS A JERK

BUT AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT
UPSET ABOUT ANDY?

WELL, OF COURSE I AM.

I MEAN, I'M HUMAN, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY AM VERY GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

OH, LENNY,
WHAT DO YOU SAY, UH...

AFTER THIS MURDER THING
IS OVER

WE ZIP ON OVER TO THE MARMONT
FOR SOME POST ROAST TOASTIES?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND?

HE'S NOT REALLY HERE

BUT, UM...

MAYBE I SHOULD CALL HIM

AND TELL HIM THAT I'M
GOING TO BE VERY...

VERY... VERY LATE.

VERY... VERY LATE.

HEY, UH, THINGS DIDN'T GO
EXACTLY AS PLANNED.

YEAH, I CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

UH, THERE'S SOMETHING THAT, UH,
I GOT TO DO FIRST.

WELL, IT DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

I JUST... I HAVE TO FINISH
SOMETHING I STARTED.

AH, DON'T BE THAT WAY.

LOOK, I GOT TO GO.

SOMEBODY'S COMING.

I CAN'T TALK. BYE.

SO THE SECOND DOG

SAYS TO THE FIRST DOG,
"IT WAS UNBEARABLE.

"MY MASTER WENT OUT

"LEFT ME LOCKED IN
THE APARTMENT FOR TEN DAYS.

NOW, I'M SITTING
THERE, SEE?"

WAIT A MINUTE.

MARK, LISTEN,
YOU GOT TO HEAR

THIS FANTASTIC JOKE
THAT LOU IS TELLING.

TELL HIM, WILL YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M NOT FINISHED.

I'M HIP.

OKAY, I'LL TRY
ONE MORE TIME.

LOOK, MR. ZITO,
I'D LOVE TO HEAR
A GOOD JOKE

BUT RIGHT NOW,
WE'RE CONDUCTING

A HOMICIDE
INVESTIGATION.

AH, I GUESS THEY'RE RIGHT.

I'M NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.

OH, NO, I DIDN'T
MEAN THAT.

NO, NO,
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S EVERYBODY.

NOBODY WILL EVEN LISTEN
TO MY JOKES ANYMORE.

I MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT.

MY CAREER
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

IT'S OVER,
DOWN THE TOILET, KAPUT.

I'M DONE, FINISHED,
WASHED UP.

YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

LOOK, I'LL... ONE
SHORT JOKE, OKAY?

OH, OKAY.

THREE DOGS WERE
IN THE POUND.

YEAH.

AND THE FIRST DOG
SAYS TO THE SECOND DOG...

IS THIS THE ONE WHERE
THE THIRD DOG COMES IN

AND SAYS, "I'M JUST HERE

TO GET MY
NAILS CLIPPED"?

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T DO

KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS

AND YOU DON'T DO
PUNCH LINES.

I'M SORRY.

GEEZ...

MARK, HAVE YOU SEEN
JESSE ANYWHERE?

I SAW HIM ABOUT
20 MINUTES AGO. WHY?

DAD, AMANDA, BACK HERE.

OH, MY GOD. JESSE!

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW.
I FOUND HIM LIKE THIS.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE
CLUBBED HIM FROM BEHIND.

OKAY, LOOK
INTO MY EYES.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE

HE COULD HAVE SUFFERED
A SLIGHT CONCUSSION.

I'LL KEEP
AN EYE ON HIM.

BUT WHO WOULD HAVE
DONE SOMETHING

LIKE THIS?

PROBABLY THE SAME PERSON
THAT DID THIS.

I FEEL LIKE
SOMEBODY WHACKED ME

WITH A LOUISVILLE
SLUGGER.

MORE LIKELY,
A LITTLE BRONZE LADY...

MY AWARD.

IT WAS ON THE TABLE
OVER THERE...

BLOOD SPOTS ON IT.

WHOEVER HIT YOU WITH IT
MUST'VE KILLED LOU.

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST GIVE YOU
A CERTIFICATE?

WHAT HAPPENED?

Steve:
I'M SORRY

YOU GENTLEMEN WILL HAVE
TO STAY IN THE MAIN ROOM.

THIS IS A MURDER SCENE.

WELL, SO'S
THE MAIN ROOM.

THERE'S TWO KILLERS RUNNING
AMUCK AROUND THIS JOINT.

Mark:
YOU KNOW, I
DON'T THINK SO.

TWO MURDERERS?
IT'S NOT LIKELY.

ISN'T IT MORE LIKELY

THAT THE FIRST MURDER
WAS A MISTAKE?

YOU MEAN THE KILLER WASN'T OUT
TO GET ANDY BAXTER?

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

NOBODY KNEW THAT ANDY WAS GOING
TO BE HERE FOR SURE TONIGHT

AND HE WAS STANDING
RIGHT IN FRONT OF LOU

JUST BEFORE HE WAS STABBED.

THE KILLER MUST'VE BEEN SO
DESPERATE TO GET RID OF LOU

THAT AFTER THAT FIRST MISTAKE
HE JUST KEPT TRYING.

I THINK WE'RE DEALING
WITH ONE MURDERER HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M NEVER GOING
TO SEE HIM AGAIN...

OR HOLD HIM.

HE-HE LEFT THE HOUSE
BEFORE I DID.

I NEVER GOT TO
KISS HIM GOOD-BYE.

YOU TWO CAME IN SEPARATECARS?

UH-HUH.

WE HAD TO.

HE TOLD ME HE WAS
GOING TO MEET SOMEONE

AFTER THE ROAST, BUT
HE DIDN'T SAY WHO.

LOU, LOU, LOU!

LIZ, DEAR,
LIZ, DEAR...

OH, RAY AND I ARE GOING
TO MISS HIM TERRIBLY...

TERRIBLY...

AND YOU KNOW

WE EVEN NAMED OUR LITTLE PUPPY
AFTER HIM.

OH...

THE SHIH TZU?

YES, YES.

OH...

Amanda:
STEVE, THERE'S A
REPORTER WAITING

FOR YOU.

TELL HIM
TO WAIT OUTSIDE

UNTIL I'M READY
TO GIVE A STATEMENT, WOULD YOU?

FIRST OF ALL,
HE'S A SHE

AND SHE SAID SHE HAD
SOME INFORMATION

THAT MIGHT BE PERTINENT
TO THE INVESTIGATION.

SHE'S BACKSTAGE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES.

I ONLY NEED TWO.

LOU SUMMERS

CALLED ME THIS MORNING.

WHAT ABOUT?

HE SAID TO MEET HIM
BACK HERE

AFTER THE ROAST.

WHY?

DON'T KNOW...
SAID HE HAD SOMETHING

TO GIVE ME
FOR MY COLUMN TOMORROW.

AND YOU HAVE
NO IDEA WHAT.

NO IDEA.

MAREN BRIGGS.

LIEUTENANT SLOAN.

"LIEUTENANT."

UNUSUAL FIRST NAME.

IT'S STEVE.

I KNOW.

ANYTIME I CAN HELP.

Briggs:
APPRECIATE THE HELP.
BYE.

MM-HMM.

PRETTY GIRL.

SHE'S NOT A GIRL, DAD.

SHE'S A REPORTER.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULDN'T BE BOTH.

I THINK WE SHOULD LOOK
THROUGH LOU'S BELONGINGS.

HE WAS PLANNING
ON GIVING SOMETHING TO MAREN.

THE, UH, "REPORTER"?

YEAH.

MM-HMM.

OH...

LOU ALWAYS HAD
SUCH BEAUTIFUL HAIR.

OH...

OH, LOU...

LIZ...

I KNOW THIS IS A LITTLE
DIFFICULT FOR YOU

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT.

WE'D LIKE FOR YOU TO GO
THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS

AND TELL US IF
THERE'S ANYTHING

HE WOULD NOT
ORDINARILY CARRY

OR IF THERE'S
ANYTHING MISSING.

Liz:
WELL, ALL OF HIS CREDIT CARDS
ARE HERE, UM

AND HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE

AND HIS SENIOR CITIZENS
DISCOUNT CARD.

OH...

OH, THERE'S A PICTURE OF
US AT OUR SON'S WEDDING.

HE BROKE HIS FOOT THAT NIGHT
DOING THE HORA.

OH...

CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A MINUTE?

MM-HMM.

THIS IS SO HARD
FOR ME TO SAY

BUT IT'S JUST...
IT'S EATING ME UP.

I THINK LORRAINE
KAY IS THE KILLER.

WHY IS THAT?

YOU REMEMBER HOW ANXIOUS
SHE WAS TO GET OUT OF HERE

TO PLAY A MIDNIGHT SHOW
AT A COMEDY CLUB?

WELL, THERE
WASN'T ANY SHOW.

I MADE SOME CALLS.

SO, YOU'RE SAYING
SHE'S A MURDERER

BECAUSE SHE LIED
ABOUT A JOB?

NO, THERE'S
MORE THAN THAT.

SHE AND ANDY BAXTER
HAD AN AFFAIR.

IT WAS A BIG SECRET.

THEN SHE BROKE IT OFF, BUT
SHE WAS ALWAYS TERRIFIED

THAT IN ONE OF
HIS DRUNKEN RAGES

ANDY WOULD TELL
HER HUSBAND.

SOME FRIEND I AM,
TELLING YOU ALL THIS.

I STILL DON'T SEE
WHY SHE WOULD HAVE ANY REASON

TO KILL MR. SUMMERS.

WELL, MAYBE
SHE WAS AFRAID

LOU SAW HER
KILL ANDY BAXTER.

ABOUT A MINUTE
AFTER LOU WENT BACKSTAGE

LORRAINE MADE SOME LAME EXCUSE

ABOUT HAVING
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

THEN SHE FOLLOWED HIM.

NOW, THERE'S A PERFECTLY
GOOD PHONE IN THE LOBBY

BUT SHE INSISTED

UPON USING THE ONE
ALL THE WAY BACKSTAGE.

DON'T YOU FIND
THAT A BIT... ODD?

Mark:
WELL, A LITTLE ODD, MAYBE

BUT I STILL DON'T THINK
THAT THAT'S PROOF OF MURDER.

LOOK, I LOVE LORRAINE
LIKE A SISTER

BUT... SHE'S GOT
A DARK SIDE.

WELL, ISN'T THAT TRUE
OF MOST COMICS?

THE GOOD ONES, YEAH.

Steve:
YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF

ONE OF THE GOOD ONES

DON'T YOU,
MR. ROSEN?

I DO, ONE OF THE BEST.

BECAUSE I'VE GOT
A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

OF WHO THE KILLER IS.

WHO?

YOU.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I HAD NO REASON TO KILL ANDY

AND I CERTAINLY HAD NO REASON
TO KILL LOU.

HE WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME.

STEVE, CONNECT THE DOTS HERE
FOR ME.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR MEANS,
OPPORTUNITY AND MOTIVE.

"MOTIVE"?

I OWE MY CAREER TO LOU.

HE GAVE ME MY BIG BREAK.

HE INVITED
ALL THESE NETWORK PEOPLE

DOWN TO THE LAUGH JOINT
TO WATCH MY ACT.

MM-HMM, AND THEY WENT CRAZY
OVER YOU...

OFFERED YOU
YOUR OWN TV SHOW.

EXACTLY.

SO, WHAT'S MY MOTIVE
FOR KILLING HIM...

EXTREME GRATITUDE?

I STILL DON'T SEE
THE DOTS CONNECTING.

LOU G LENNY THE IDEA

OF SETTING HIS SHOW
IN A COMEDY CLUB.

AS A MATTER OF FACT

HE NAMED THE OWNER
OF THE CLUB "LOU."

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
SUCH A TV TRIVIA BUFF.

I JUST TALKED TO A REPORTER

THAT REMEMBERS
THE STORY VERY WELL.

LOU THOUGHT, UH, LENNY
WAS RIPPING HIM OFF.

THE SHOW SOLD INTO SYNDICATION

FOR MILLIONS
AND LOU FIGURED

HE WAS ENTITLED
TO A PIECE OF IT.

EVERYBODY KNEW I WASN'T HAPPY
WHEN LOU SUED ME

BUT WHAT YOUR REPORTER NEGLECTED
TO TELL YOU WAS

THE CASE WAS SETTLED
OUT OF COURT.

NOT ONLY WAS LOU COMPENSATED

HE GOT
A "CO-CREATED BY" SCREEN CREDIT

AND THAT WAS
BECAUSE I INSISTED ON IT.

SO, I GUESS YOU CAN
KISS YOUR MOTIVE BYE-BYE.

Amanda:
THE ANGLE OF INCIDENCE

FOR BOTH THE BLOW
TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD

AND THE STAB WOUND WENT
FROM RIGHT TO LEFT

WHICH TELLS ME THAT THE KILLER
WAS PROBABLY RIGHT-HANDED

BUT MR. ROSEN'S
LEFT-HANDED.

I SAW HIM GIVE AN AUTOGRAPH
TO JESSE.

I THINK YOU OWE
ME AN APOLOGY.

Man:
DR. SLOAN, DR. TRAVIS
IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY TRIED
TO FLUSH THE EVIDENCE.

ANYTHING LOOK
FAMILIAR THERE, LIZ?

OH, NOT REALLY.

IS IT A GIRL?

WELL, I THINK THERE'S
MORE THAN ONE GIRL.

THERE'S, UH, A BLOND

THERE'S BRUNETTE

AND THERE'S SOMEONE
IN THERE DARKER SKIN.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU REMEMBER
IF THERE WAS A
PICTURE IN THERE?

OH, YES.

OH, LOU ALWAYS CARRIED
AROUND PICTURES

OF OUR THREE GRANDDAUGHTERS.

HMM...

OH, MOLLY'S PICTURE IS MISSING.

DOES MOLLY LOOK
LIKE ANY OF THESE?

WELL, MOLLY HAS

DARK BROWN HAIR,
SO IT'S NOT THE BLOND

AND SHE WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD
WEARING BANGS.

AND THIS JUST ISN'T HER NOSE...

IT'S MUCH TOO BROAD.

GEE, I REALLY THOUGHT
WE HAD SOMETHING HERE.

I'M SORRY, LIZ.

WAIT... WAIT.

LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS AGAIN.

LOU'S PICTURE
OF MOLLY...

THAT WAS WHEN SHE WAS
14 YEARS OLD

BEFORE SHE HAD HER NOSE JOB.

YES, IT WAS HER
SWEET-16 PRESENT.

OH, YES, YES, THAT'S DEFINITELY
MOLLY'S OLD NOSE.

IT LOOKED JUST LIKE LOU'S.

LOU WAS PROBABLY GOING TO GIVE
THAT PICTURE TO THE REPORTER

AND THE KILLER DIDN'T WANT IT
TO HAPPEN.

A PICTURE OF HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER

AND TWO OTHER GIRLS...
WHAT'S THE CONNECTION?

IS THERE A COMPUTER AROUND HERE?

YES, THERE'S ONE
IN THE OFFICE.

OH.

I NEED THREE.

THREE IT IS.

TWO FOR ME.

TWO FOR THE MAN.

JUST ONE.

I'LL STAY WITH THESE...

ADULTERER!

OH, THAT DOES IT.

I REFUSE TO LET
YOU SPREAD VICIOUS
RUMORS ABOUT ME.

YOU...

ARE YOU DENYING IT?!

YES, I NEVER SLEPT
WITH YOUR WIFE!

I WALKED IN ON YOU!

WELL, I MEAN,
I SLEPT WITH HER

BUT I NEVER
SLEPT WITH HER.

UH-HUH, OKAY.

LET'S GET IT ON.

MAN TO MAN, LET'S GO.

TIM! WE BOTH
FELL ASLEEP
ON THE SOFA

AFTER AN EXHAUSTING
GAME OF PINOCHLE.

YEAH, THAT'S YOUR STORY.

WELL, THAT'S
THE TRUE STORY.

BELIEVE ME,
I WOULD REMEMBER.

I MEAN, MITZI,
WOW-WEE.

ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S IT!

BOYS!

BOYS, TWO MURDERS IS ENOUGH
FOR ONE NIGHT, DON'T YOU THINK?

SIT DOWN.

AND NO KIBITZING,
LORRAINE.

OKAY

I'M GOING TO OPEN WITH,
UH, TWO DOLLARS.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

WELL, EITHER HE'S
FIGURING OUT WHO
THE MURDERER IS

OR HE'S LOST HIS
CUFFLINK AGAIN.

MMM.

FILTHY LAUNDRY.

FILTHY LAUNDRY?

UH-HUH.

HUH?

FOLKS, I'M HAPPY
TO SAY THAT

YOU'LL ALL BE ABLE
TO GO HOME VERY SOON.

WELL, LET ME
REPHRASE THAT...

EVERYBODY BUT THE MURDERER

CAN GO HOME
VERY SOON.

CAN GO HOME
VERY SOON.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO

IS PLAY A LITTLE VERSION
OF MUSICAL CHAIRS HERE.

WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT
WHO HAD THE OPPORTUNITY

AND THE MEANS AND THE MOTIVE
TO HAVE COMMITTED THESE MURDERS

AND BY THE SIMPLE
PROCESS OF ELIMINATION

WHOEVER'S STILL
SITTING ON THE
DAIS IS THE KILLER.

NOT A BAD IDEA
FOR A GAME SHOW, MARK.

WE SHOULD TALK.

RIGHT. WE'LL TALK
ABOUT IT LATER, RAY.

OKAY, I THINK
WE'LL START WITH,
UH, MR. WILDE.

NOW, JAY FLEW IN
FROM NEW MEXICO TONIGHT

AND HE CAME DIRECTLY
FROM THE AIRPORT.

AND HE ENTERED THE CLUB
WITH MY FRIEND, AMANDA
BENTLEY.

IN ORDER TO COMMIT THE MURDER,
SOMEONE HAD TO CHANGE THAT FUSE

SO THAT THE SPOTLIGHT
WOULD BLOW.

MR. WILDE WAS NEVER

OUT OF THE
SIGHT OF AMANDA

SO HE WOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN ALONE
LONG ENOUGH

TO CHANGE THAT FUSE.

SO I CAN STEP DOWN?

BE MY GUEST, JAY.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, NOW WE COME
TO, UH, MR. MASTERS.

NOW

RAY WAS IN THE ROOM
WHILE THAT, UH, KNIFE

WAS STILL ON THE BAR THERE.

BUT THEN HE WENT
TO THE BATHROOM

AND HE DIDN'T COME BACK UNTIL
JUST BEFORE THE ROAST STARTED.

HE NEVER WENT
NEAR THE BAR AGAIN.

I ALWAYS KNEW THROWING UP
WOULD BRING ME GOOD LUCK.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

Mark:
DUE TO THE ANGLE
OF THE KNIFE WOUND

AND, UH, THE BLOW TO THE HEAD

WE BELIEVE THAT THE KILLER
WAS RIGHT-HANDED.

NOW, I KNOW THAT LENNY ROSEN

IS LEFT-HANDED,
AND SO IS

TOM PORTER.

I SAW TOM DEALING CARDS
A LITTLE EARLIER.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE COME NOW
DOWN TO MR. PAT ZITO.

PAT WAS IN THE ROOM

WHEN THAT KNIFE
WAS STILL ON THE BAR

BUT HE WAS
APPROACHING THE STAGE

JUST AS THE LIGHTS
WENT OUT.

I'M INNOCENT!

I AGREE WITH YOU.

YOU DIDN'T DO IT, PAT

BECAUSE FROM THE TIME

LOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM

RIGHT UP UNTIL THE MOMENT
HE WAS MURDERED

PAT WAS IN THE MAIN ROOM

TRYING TO GET SOMEONE,
ANYONE, TO LISTEN TO HIS JOKE.

IT DOESN'T HELP
WHEN PEOPLE STEP
ON YOUR PUNCH LINE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, PAT.

YOU MAY HAVE MURDERED
A LOT OF JOKES IN YOUR TIME

BUT YOU NEVER KILLED ANYBODY.

YEAH, LOW BLOW, SLOAN.

I GOT TO HIT THE JOHN.

THAT CHICKEN'S
NOT SITTING WELL.

ALL RIGHT, THAT
NARROWS IT DOWN
TO MR. TIM CONRAD

AND MISS LORRAINE KAY.

WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT,
TIM JUMPED UP FROM HIS CHAIR.

NOW HE SAID HE WAS
TRYING TO GET AWAY
FROM ANDY BAXTER.

HE NEVER TELLS THE TRUTH.

LOOK AT HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE.

IT SAYS HE'S SIX FOOT ONE.

TONIGHT,
HE WASN'T LYING.

LOOK AT THIS, UH...
BLUEBERRY STAIN
ON HIS SHIRT THERE.

WHY, HE NEVER
WASHES HIS CLOTHES.

THAT STAIN IS PROBABLY THERE
FROM
LAUGH-IN.

NO, THIS IS A
LITTLE MORE RECENT...

TONIGHT, AS A
MATTER OF FACT.

WHEN HE JUMPED UP

HE RAN INTO A DESSERT TRAY

AND KNOCKED A PLATE
OF BLUEBERRY PIE ONTO THE
FLOOR

AND HE WAS HEADED

THAT DIRECTION
OFFSTAGE.

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

I-I DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.

I SWEAR.

YOU WERE STILL

IN THE ROOM WHEN THE KNIFE

WAS ON THE BAR, LORRAINE.

AND THEN, WHEN LOU
WENT TO THE... BATHROOM

YOU LEFT SHORTLY AFTER.

THAT WAS JUST
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

ASK LENNY.

DID LENNY GO WITH YOU?

WELL, IT WAS
KIND OF A PERSONAL CALL.

YOU KNOW HOW WE GIRLS ARE.

LORRAINE, I'M GOING
TO ASK YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

WILL YOU JUST
WALK ACROSS THE STAGE FOR US?

WHY?

HUMOR ME.

JESSE, DID YOU HEAR
ANY CLICKING LIKE THAT

JUST BEFORE
YOU WERE KNOCKED OUT?

NO.

NO, AND LOU
DIDN'T, EITHER

OR HE WOULD
HAVE TURNED AROUND

AND BEEN HIT IN THE FRONT
OF THE HEAD, NOT THE BACK.

WHAT IF HIS
HEARING AIDS

WERE TURNED OFF?

HE WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO HEAR ANYTHING.

THAT'S TRUE, TOM,
EXCEPT LOU HAD BOTH
OF HIS HEARING AIDS

TURNED ALL THE WAY UP.

MAYBE SHE TOOK HER SHOES OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, LENNY?

YOU THINK I DID IT?

OH, NO, BABY, BUT HEY,
TAKE A LOOK AROUND.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
LEFT UP THERE.

WELL, THAT'S
IT, LENNY.

YOU CAN JUST FORGET
ABOUT MEETING ME

LATER AT THE MARMONT.

Mark:
YOU KNOW,
HE'S RIGHT.

YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN
YOUR SHOES OFF

AND SNUCK UP ON LOU

AND HE WOULDN'T
HAVE HEARD YOU.

I WANT TO ASK YOU
TO DO A FAVOR.

WOULD YOU
TAKE YOUR SHOE OFF?

THANK YOU.

MAY I SEE THE SOUL
OF YOUR FOOT?

IT'S CLEAN,
AND THE BACKSTAGE AREA ISN'T.

IF SHE HAD HAD
HER SHOES OFF

THE SOUL
OF HER FOOT

WOULD BE FILTHY.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU CAN
STEP DOWN, TOO, MS. KAY.

DAD, WHAT JUST
HAPPENED HERE?

WE'VE GOT TWO
DEAD BODIES, TWO
MURDER WEAPONS

AND NO MURDERER.

Ray:
YOU KNOW, MARK, MAYBE
THE GAME SHOW THING

WON'T WORK OUT
AFTER ALL.

NO MURDERER. KIND
OF TAKES THE OOMPH
OUT OF IT.

OH, THERE'S A MURDERER
ALL RIGHT, RAY

AND HE HAD A HECK
OF A MOTIVE, TOO.

JESSE, WOULD YOU TELL THEM
WHAT YOU FOUND OUT.

UH, SURE. UM,
THERE'S A WEBSITE
ON THE INTERNET.

IT'S CALLED
"FILTHY LAUNDRY."

I PULLED IT UP. IT'S
ON THE COMPUTER
IN THE OFFICE.

UM, ANYWAY, IT'S LOADED
WITH HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP

AND-AND TABLOID STUFF.

ABOUT A WEEK AGO,
THEY RAN A BLIND ITEM

ABOUT A COMIC WHO HAS
A THING FOR YOUNG GIRLS.

VERY YOUNG GIRLS.

NOW, SUPPOSE ONE
OF THOSE YOUNG GIRLS

WAS LOU'S GRANDDAUGHTER.

LOU WAS MORALLY OUTRAGED.

HE WANTED
THIS COMIC EXPOSED.

MAKES SENSE.

SO LOU WAS GOING TO HAND OVER
A PICTURE OF HIS GRANDDAUGHTER

AND TWO OTHER UNDERAGE GIRLS
TO MAREN

THE, UH, REPORTER, TONIGHT?

EXACTLY. NOW, THE KILLER
GOT WIND OF THIS

AND HE WAS GOING TO MAKE SURE
THAT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.

SO HE CHANGED THE FUSE
IN THE FUSE BOX

SO THAT WHEN THE SPOT WENT ON,
THE LIGHTS WOULD BLOW OUT

AND HE'D HAVE ABOUT TEN SECONDS
TO STAB LOU.

THEN HE WENT TO THE BAR,
AND HE STOLE THAT KNIFE

WHEN THE BARTENDER
WASN'T LOOKING.

UNFORTUNATELY,
WHEN THE LIGHTS CAME ON

HE DISCOVERED HE HAD MISSED
HIS INTENDED VICTIM

BUT HE DIDN'T GIVE UP.

HE SAW LOU GO BACKSTAGE.

SO HE FOLLOWED HIM.

HE WAS GOING TO AMBUSH HIM WHEN
HE CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

BUT HE HEARD SOMEONE COMING.

HE QUICKLY DUCKED
BEHIND A CURTAIN

THEN KNOCKED JESSE OUT.

AFTER HE BLUDGEONED LOU

HE CASUALLY WALKED RIGHT BACK
HERE INTO THE MAIN ROOM.

YOU KNOW

THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL
OLD PLACE.

SO MANY GIFTED, TALENTED PEOPLE
HAVE WALKED THROUGH THOSE DOORS.

DAD, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, FINE.

LOOK AT THAT CEILING.

YOU SIMPLY DON'T SEE CROWN
MOLDINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HIM?

IS HE GIVING UP?

OH, NO. THERE'S METHOD
TO HIS MADNESS.

I HOPE.

LOOK AT THAT.

LAUREL AND HARDY
FOOLING AROUND
WITH HAROLD LLOYD.

DAD, YOU'VE
HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE YOU HOME?

I SAID I'M FINE, SON.
TRUST ME.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE DOTS ARE
STARTING TO CONNECT.

I REMEMBER NOTICING THIS PICTURE
WHEN WE CAME IN.

IT'S A SHOT OF THE JOKERS CLUB
CELEBRITY SOFTBALL TEAM OF 1998.

OH, DON'T REMIND ME.

WE LOST 28 TO TWO.

Tom:
YEAH, TOUGH GAME.

THOSE STRIPPERS HAD
AN AWESOME INFIELD.

WHAT INTERESTED ME
WAS THE CATCHER HERE.

HE'S GOT HIS MITT
ON HIS LEFT HAND

WHICH MEANS

HE'S RIGHT-HANDED
AND NOT LEFT-HANDED

LIKE HE SAID HE WAS.

DO YOU FIND THAT INTERESTING,
MR. ROSEN?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?

NICE CATCH.

CAN WE SPELL
"AMBIDEXTROUS"?

SO I'M
AMBIDEXTROUS.

WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?

WELL, IT PROVES
ALMOST EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, ONLY A HANDFUL
OF PEOPLE HERE

COULD HAVE POSSIBLY
COMMITTED THE CRIME

AND THEY'VE ALL
BEEN ELIMINATED.

YOU WERE ELIMINATED BECAUSE YOU
SAID YOU WERE LEFT-HANDED.

AS IT TURNS OUT,
YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED.

AND THAT NARROWS THE LIST DOWN
TO JUST ONE, LENNY

AND IT'S YOU.

WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

IT'S...

I BROKE A DATE TO GO
TO THE MARMONT WITH YOU?!

DO YOU KNOW
WHO I MADE THAT
PHONE CALL TO?

DAVID LETTERMAN!

THAT'S RIGHT.

BIG DAVE.

HE'S IN TOWN

AND HE WAS DYING
TO SEE ME.

AND I BLEW HIM OFF
JUST TO BE WITH YOU?!

I HATE YOU, LENNY!

AND I HATE YOUR HAIR.

CUFF HIM AND GET HIM
OUT OF HERE.

YOU SCARED ME THERE
FOR A MINUTE

BUT I GOT
TO HAND IT TO YOU.

YOU SOLVED IT.

WELL, NO,
ACTUALLY, YOU DID.

YOU SAID IT WAS LENNY.

I JUST FILLED IN DETAILS.

LIKE THE MOTIVE
AND HOW HE DID IT.

WELL, LUCKY HUNCH.

YOU KNOW, LOU AND I,
WELL, WE FOUGHT SOMETIMES.

WHOA.

WELL, EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS.

OH, LOU WOULD HAVE
WANTED SO MUCH

TO HAND YOU
THAT AWARD
PERSONALLY.

I KNOW.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,
I WOULD HAVE LOST HIM YEARS AGO

TO ONE ILLNESS OR ANOTHER.

YOU KEPT HIM GOING.

HE WAS A GREAT MAN, LIZ.

MM-HMM.

NEITHER ONE OF US
WILL EVER FORGET HIM.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

SORRY, DAD.

EXHIBIT "A."

I'LL, UH, CLEAN IT UP
AND GIVE IT BACK TO YOU
AFTER THE TRIAL.

YEAH, OKAY.

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
TO HOLD IT FOR A SECOND.

GEE, FOLKS.

I'M-I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
TONIGHT, I MUST ADMIT

WHICH IS STRANGE

'CAUSE I'M USUALLY
SO GOOD AT THESE ROASTS.

I was there in Mark's office
the other day

AND I SAID I WASN'T
FEELING TOO WELL

AND HE SAID, "WELL,
YOU HAVE WALKING PNEUMONIA"

AND I SAID, "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

AND HE SAID, "WELL, TAKE TWO
PILLS EVERY THREE MILES."

THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

So, I'm playing baseball
last month

and I sprain my ankle.

I go to Mark and I ask him
what I should do.

He tells me I should limp.

"LIMP"? IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE FUNNY, MARK?

Mark, congratulations.

Listen...

I KNOW-I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE

UH, I COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT
BECAUSE I'M OUT OF TOWN

BUT THAT-THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THE TRUTH IS
I-I'VE SEEN YOUR WORK

AND THIS IS AS CLOSE AS I
EVER WANT TO GET TO YOU...

EVER AGAIN.