Diagnosis Murder (1993–2001): Season 6, Episode 19 - Trash TV: Part 1 - full transcript
An unusual patient in Community general is the "Masked Magician", who reveals magic tricks in highly rated specials on Pox TV, but got wounded by a real arrow because of sabotage.
Hello.
I'm Randolph Mantooth.
In this abandoned warehouse,
deep in the heart
of an American city,
one brave man will once again
solve the mysteries
that have perplexed us
for centuries,
risking his life to reveal
the secrets behind
the world's greatest illusions.
Live.
He's the first magician, ever,
to dare show us
how the tricks are done,
but with that comes a price.
He must forever
keep his identity hidden
or run the risk
of almost certain death.
He must become
the Masked Magician.
So... stay tuned.
In exactly two minutes,
the mysteries of magic
will be revealed.
Cut.
And we're clear.
You know, I-I think I need
more light than this.
When they show up,
give me a call.
He's telling millions of people
how the tricks are done.
The magicians all want him dead.
Look, I'm not going to
be used as a P.R. stunt.
I know him.
He wants Randolph Mantooth
to tell the audience
that the Masked Magician
is in so much danger
I would never
exploit this situation
for promotional purposes.
Well, maybe you wouldn't,
but he would.
I know him.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
Hey, if you were
any good at your job,
you'd have thought of it first.
Five seconds to air.
To protect his identity,
you will not see his face,
nor hear him speak.
That the Masked Magician
is in so much danger
that homicide detectives
had to be standing by.
Got to admit,
it's a real grabber.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
And then, if he survives,
he will share the secret
of how it was done.
You are about to witness
an astonishing illusion.
An arrow will pass harmlessly
through the body
of the Masked Magician,
striking the bull's-eye
behind him,
You are about to witness
an astonishing illusion.
Which he stabs
into the bull's-eye
to show that the sharp point
is real.
The trick begins
with his assistants
dancing in front of him.
One of them hands him
an arrow...
which he stabs
into the bull's-eye
Maybe you can see
how the illusion is done.
Here's a hint...
Ask yourself
why he's using a rifle instead
of a bow to fire the arrow.
You will not see his face,
nor hear him speak.
The trick begins
with his assistants
striking the bull's-eye
behind him,
and then, if he survives,
he will share the secret
An assistant gives him a rifle.
He endows it
with magic powers...
An assistant gives him a rifle.
Then loads a charge into it.
Once the arrow
hits the bull's-eye,
he will use the ribbon
to prove that it has
actually gone through his body.
He ties a ribbon
to the end of the arrow.
Why he's using a rifle instead
of a bow to fire the arrow.
Oh, my God!
Easy. Easy.
Lay him down.
Watch closely.
Maybe you can see
how the illusion is done.
What happened?
Don't move him.
About my secret past
as a call girl,
my affair with his brother,
and the forged checks.
I had to kill him, Doctor.
He knew
about my secret past
as a call girl,
made last year
based on your life.
That isn't anything
like my life.
I know.
Well...
that's the Dr. Danger
pilot Phil Zarkin
made last year
based on your life.
He knew
about my secret past
as a call girl,
Where's the sex?
Sex?
This concept doesn't begin
to capture the blood,
the grit and the raw sexuality
I had to kill him, Doctor.
And you would have
gotten away with
it, too...
if only you hadn't
polished your
fingernails.
Where's the humanity?
Absolutely.
Where's the relevance?
Positively.
Where's the sex?
Read her her rights.
Oh, and make sure that she
gets one of these pills
three times daily.
Well...
They can take it
the way it really is,
and that's what we're
going to give them.
"We"?
Take a look at
the new
Dr. Danger.
He knew I was a hooker,
that I'd seduced his wife
and that I was emptying his
secret Cayman Islands account.
I know.
It's garbage.
That's why the network
brought me in
to revamp the whole thing.
They have tremendous faith
in the concept, Mark,
and enormous respect for you.
They just want to get it right.
I don't face anything like that.
I do.
You know what audiences
are looking for today?
Their remotes?
I would have been so embarrassed
if they'd put that on the air.
Of course you would.
It doesn't begin to capture
the essence of what you do.
Exactly.
Where's the humanity?
And that I was emptying his
secret Cayman Islands account.
He had to die.
You would have
gotten away with it
Go ahead, baby,
pull the trigger...
but I promise you, before that
bullet hits my skull,
you'll already be dead.
The grit and the raw sexuality
that you face every day.
I don't face anything like that.
Their remotes?
No. Honesty.
They don't want
to be patronized.
They can take it
the way it really is,
you'll already be dead.
I'm ready to die.
Are you?
Oh...
and make sure she takes
two of these, with water,
before every meal.
I smelled it on the corpse
at the crime scene...
and on you the first time
we slept together.
Well, don't thank me.
Actually, fixing it
was pretty easy.
I, uh, I just imbued the show
with an unflinching realism
and then I combined
the Mark and Steve characters
into one dynamic hero...
Your basic doctor with a badge.
I don't have a badge.
Well, you're a police
consultant. Same thing.
I don't carry a gun,
and I don't sleep
with my patients.
What's important
is that we imbued
your character
Read her her rights.
Oh...
That show's mindless.
It's superficial.
It glorifies violence
and demeans sex.
And that's exactly why MBC
is putting Dr. Danger on at 9:00
opposite the hit sitcoms on UBC
and the freak-show specials
on the Pox Network.
It's a disgrace
to the medical profession,
law enforcement
Okay, I want you
to breathe for me.
Yeah.
Okay... again.
You don't goose the fat lady
That's a good point.
Okay, I want you
to breathe for me.
What's important
is that we imbued
your character
with a reality.
Look, I didn't
sugarcoat this bullet.
Okay.
What's all this?
Okay...
No, I can't reveal my identity.
That's why he wouldn't let me
call an ambulance.
He was afraid they'd
take the mask off.
Look, I won't tell you
how to do magic...
You don't tell me
how to practice medicine.
Okay.
Law enforcement
and anything else
worth believing in,
and I don't want anything
to do with it.
Oh, I see.
So, at that instant,
somebody pulls
on the fishing line
and pulls this ribbon
You don't goose the fat lady
when she's eating
your pie in the sky.
That's a good point.
The arrow's never supposed
to leave the rifle.
There's a charge that
creates a loud bang,
a harmless puff of smoke...
Oh, I see.
And pulls this ribbon
out of the rifle
and into this tube,
and it looks like
it went through your body.
Only this time, someone put an
explosive charge in the rifle.
Okay... again.
I don't hear
any pneumo or hemothorax.
Okay...
Only this time, someone put an
explosive charge in the rifle.
Yeah. They want to kill me
for revealing these old tricks.
Well, another quarter of an inch
there, and they would have, too.
You know, I can't blame them
for being angry.
Why would you want to take
the wonder out of magic?
There he is. Roll camera.
Okay.
Oh...!
Steve, get them out of here,
will you?
No, no, wait, wait!
What's all this?
Oh...
that's the secret
behind the illusion.
The arrow's never supposed
to leave the rifle.
No, no, wait, wait!
All right, back off!
Everybody, out of here!
No, no, no.
It's okay. It's okay.
They're with me.
It's-it's for the show.
The same old tricks.
Well, there's no magic about
getting this arrow out of you.
It's going to hurt. You ready?
There he is. Roll camera.
Uh-oh.
Just a couple of quick shots
of the gruesome wound,
and-and we're out of here.
Here, you, get in close.
I don't want to miss
that cry of agony.
Yeah, which is going to be yours
unless you get
everybody out of here.
Beaudine!
Uh-oh.
Why would you want to take
the wonder out of magic?
I love magic.
But it's a dying art,
thanks to
unimaginative magicians
who keep rehashing
the same old tricks.
Security!
He used to be my agent,
and then he became a producer
and he stole my ideas!
I created the Masked Magician!
As a cop show,
not a reality special!
It's totally different!
Let's get you out of here.
Take his camera crew, too.
They're with me.
It's-it's for the show.
Well, the show is over.
No, no, no, no, my other show...
Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
Just a couple of quick shots
of the gruesome wound,
Gee, I wonder why
nobody bought that.
Nobody slides
on my gutter turf, pal!
You can take that
to the bank and smoke it!
This spectacular accident
on a lonely interstate
You can take that
to the bank and smoke it!
That killed two cheerleaders.
All this and more, tonight
What did you do that for?
He used to be my agent,
Cheap, male-skewing programs...
I can never get enough of them.
And considering the success
of the Masked Magician,
But it was a minor fender-bender
compared to this
bone-grinding smash-up
that killed two cheerleaders.
Take his camera crew, too.
Ooh, "he's a magic cop that
pulls justice out of his hat!"
Gee, I wonder why
nobody bought that.
With Red Asphalt,
we feel we've created
another reality
special franchise
for Thursday nights.
Now, combined with the proven
appeal of its lead-in...
And the hate mail
continues to roll in...
12,000 letters at last count.
All this and more, tonight
on Red Asphalt...
America's bloodiest
car accidents.
This spectacular accident
on a lonely interstate
sent three people
to a fiery grave.
In the key demographic,
especially males 18 to 35.
Cheap, male-skewing programs...
We can deal a decisive blow
against UBC's
Thursday night sitcom block
in the key demographic,
especially males 18 to 35.
And launched a national boycott
against our advertisers.
Great... publicity.
And the hate mail
continues to roll in...
America's bloodiest
car accidents.
With Red Asphalt,
we feel we've created
And considering the success
of the Masked Magician,
I don't think
our audiences can, either.
Well, not all of
them, Mr. Lustig.
Now, combined with the proven
appeal of its lead-in...
Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes...
We can deal a decisive blow
12,000 letters at last count.
Great. They're watching.
I want four more Red Asphalt
specials for sweeps
and two more
Masked Magician shows,
the near-death experience
of the Masked Magician.
It's a shame we can't capture
that same jeopardy every week.
More dangerous.
You've got it.
You know,
it's going to be hard to top
the near-death experience
of the Masked Magician.
Hmm.
Mark!
The Viewers
for Better Television
have branded our specials
"trash TV"
and launched a national boycott
We're going to
spell Sloane with
an "E" to make
the character my own.
Oh, I see.
Why are you wearing a lab coat?
Oh, well, Jesse was
showing us around.
Derek's absorbing his character.
You guys are an hour early.
Let me see your piece.
I don't have a piece.
I got mine.
That's not loaded, is it?
And two more
Masked Magician shows,
but, you know, uh, bigger,
more dangerous.
Uh, listen. Thanks
for lending us
your boy, Mark.
He brings truth to the table.
Really?
We better get moving.
There's a lot to absorb.
You know...
his script is going to be raw,
but I like it that way.
You're writing a script?
Well...
It's going to bring the show
the sharp edge of reality
and protect the integrity
of the Mark Sloane character.
Mark!
Derek Shaw,
I'd like you to meet
the real Mark Sloan.
Hello.
We're going to
spell Sloane with
an "E" to make
Well, as long as you
keep that wound clean
and kind of take it easy,
Perhaps Dr. Travis should work
on his own integrity first.
Come on, Mark...
Hey, uh... can I
see your piece?
And kind of take it easy,
I don't see any reason
you can't go home right now.
I'm going straight
over to the studio
to start rehearsing for
tomorrow night's broadcast.
That's not loaded, is it?
It is in here.
I see.
So, uh, shall we get started?
Uh, listen. Thanks
for lending us
your boy, Mark.
"The Masked Magician
is performing
"despite fervent protests
from his team of top
surgeons"... use it.
You just told me I was fine.
Yes, but I think
there's a very good chance
that whoever
sabotaged that trick
is going to try it again,
and next time,
you may not be so lucky.
I never would have done this
in the first place.
Besides,
I'm getting a big raise.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ho.
Of the Mark Sloane character.
With an "E."
Perhaps Dr. Travis should work
on his own integrity first.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ho.
Oh, no. No.
Not, uh, not from me,
you're not.
Then I'll get it from GBS
where I'll be doing
my next special. Use that.
All right, all right, all right.
Fine, fine, fine.
You've got it.
But, uh, this, uh...
this stays quiet.
On tomorrow night's broadcast.
What?
You are going to get
yourself killed.
You are going
to get the show killed.
To start rehearsing for
tomorrow night's broadcast.
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
"The Masked Magician
is performing
Of course you are.
You're on TV.
That's what people
expect you to be.
You know, you obviously
have no understanding
You are going
to get the show killed.
My show's about
revealing secrets.
If I don't do this,
I'm a hypocrite and a fraud.
Of course you are.
You're on TV.
And next time,
you may not be so lucky.
"Daring death for you,
the viewer"... use it.
If I was going to be scared off,
I never would have done this
in the first place.
You know, you obviously
have no understanding
of this business at all.
Besides, as long as I'm masked,
I'm replaceable.
These days, it's
all about ratings.
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
TV was supposed to unify us,
to help us understand
ourselves and each other
I'm going to just assume
it was the drugs talking, okay?
You know, it's sad what's
happened to television.
These days, it's
all about ratings.
But, uh, this, uh...
this stays quiet.
That's one secret I'll keep.
It's my identity I'm revealing
on tomorrow night's broadcast.
To help us understand
ourselves and each other
through intelligent programming.
You're serious about
this, aren't you?
When he started
the network, huh?
He saw television as a
kind of window to the world.
He just didn't foresee
I guess Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes
wasn't exactly
what he had in mind
when he started
the network, huh?
Pay-per-view, cable,
home video, five networks,
first-run syndication,
the Internet...
All fighting for our
limited attention spans.
Besides, as long as I'm masked,
I'm replaceable.
He understands.
I'm going to just assume
What are you doing over at Pox?
Well, you have to start at
the bottom to get to the top.
What do you want to
do, run a network?
All fighting for our
limited attention spans.
Yeah, they don't make them
like your dad anymore.
What are you doing over at Pox?
For centuries, audiences
have been mystified
and entertained
by the amazing feats of magic.
You're serious about
this, aren't you?
Well, my father was Pat Cooper.
Pat Cooper, the founder of MBC?
Hmm...
to never reveal the secrets
behind those illusions,
but one man has broken that vow.
The Masked Magician will pay
for his traitorous betrayal
and entertained
by the amazing feats of magic.
Each magician
takes an implicit vow
to never reveal the secrets
behind those illusions,
He just didn't foresee
how competitive
the medium would become.
Pay-per-view, cable,
home video, five networks,
The Masked Magician will pay
for his traitorous betrayal
of the art of magic.
We will make sure
he disappears
forever.
Thought you said
this was a secret location.
It was, until Kent Beaudine
tipped them off.
Why would he do that?
What do you want to
do, run a network?
Someday,
if there are any networks left.
Half those cameras are ours.
We're about to come back
from commercial.
This is who I am.
Why have I revealed
these secrets?
To create new illusions
that'll dazzle and amaze us,
keeping magic alive.
And now I will put to rest
We will make sure
he disappears
forever.
Why would he do that?
Nothing like a little conflict
to stoke the ratings.
Half those cameras are ours.
And waves his hand
underneath them
to show there are no mirrors.
Let me assure you...
The spikes are as razor sharp
as they look.
Why have I revealed
these secrets?
To reinvigorate a declining art.
By revealing these old tricks,
magicians everywhere
will be inspired
to create new illusions
that'll dazzle and amaze us,
and the curtain
is drawn around the bed.
And now I will put to rest
one of the oldest illusions
of them all.
Notice the curtain
doesn't reach the floor.
The magician tests the spikes
to prove they're real
and waves his hand
underneath them
Where is he?
I-I don't know.
He's supposed to be sitting
on top of the platform.
He's dead.
The magician is
actually strapped down,
but all the straps are Velcro.
So he just sits up
when the curtain comes down,
Notice the curtain
doesn't reach the floor.
This is so you can see
he can't hide under the bed.
I don't think I have to
tell you the cause of death.
He's dead.
I don't think I have to
tell you the cause of death.
No.
What went wrong with the trick?
Well, it's pretty
simple, really.
The magician is
actually strapped down,
one of the straps was real.
Why would someone
do such a thing?
Uh, perhaps to avoid
a hefty pay raise
Since Allied Bottling
bought GBS a year ago,
we've allowed you
to remain autonomous,
Uh, perhaps to avoid
a hefty pay raise
and maybe to make sure
that the last special
has the biggest ratings.
No, I-I meant, why would
someone else do such a thing?
You mean like
the Amazing Arturo?
Found him hiding
in a crate back there
You want to tell us why?
Not without a lawyer.
Run the network your way.
And I appreciate
that, Mr. Reece.
Well, we did that because
an amorphous culture and
turbulent social landscape,
but it can be very rewarding.
Miss Simone,
there is nothing rewarding
So he just sits up
when the curtain comes down,
rolls over onto this ledge
before the spikes come down.
Only this time
one of the straps was real.
Well, we did that because
we didn't understand
the television business.
We still don't.
Well, it's not as easy
as it looks.
Since Allied Bottling
bought GBS a year ago,
about losing
$150 million annually.
Yes, but one hit
can change all that,
and I'm pleased to say
that our development for next
season looks very promising.
Found him hiding
in a crate back there
wearing that and holding this.
You want to tell us why?
And virtually all of them
will be canceled
within the first 13 episodes,
but you keep putting
programming out there
and hoping that just one of them
will last the season.
Miss Simone,
there is nothing rewarding
about losing
$150 million annually.
And hoping that just one of them
will last the season.
That's the television business.
Now I know why
I don't understand
to see substantial improvement.
It takes a year to develop
and produce a new series,
and virtually all of them
will be canceled
for you to see how we do things
on the bottling side.
I don't see how
the bottling business
applies to what we do here.
Well, it's not as easy
as it looks.
You're at the mercy
of a fickle audience,
an amorphous culture and
turbulent social landscape,
applies to what we do here.
Mr. Zand will show you.
He is your new vice president
of... what is it again, Garth?
West Coast operations.
Now I know why
I don't understand
the television business...
Because it makes
no economic sense whatsoever.
Perhaps it's time
that our development for next
season looks very promising.
Well, we can't wait
until next season
to see substantial improvement.
You two, um...
should get along
very well together.
West Coast operations.
Yes, right...
West Coast operations.
And I'm sure that you'll find
Mr. Zand will be
instrumental in devising...
and now
I can tell you everything
about a Double Cheese
Super Deluxe
right on down to the number
of sesame seeds on the bun.
Perhaps it's time
for you to see how we do things
on the bottling side.
So, at first, you'll forgive me
if I ask a few dumb questions?
Right on down to the number
of sesame seeds on the bun.
Really?
So, at first, you'll forgive me
if I ask a few dumb questions?
I don't know anything
about television.
But, then again,
on UBC at 9:00 p.m.
It's been the number-one
sitcom on television
for the past five years.
Mr. Zand will be
instrumental in devising...
new, competitive strategies.
You two, um...
for the past five years.
Why aren't we second?
Because the freak-show
specials on the Pox Network
It's pretty hard
to top a live murder.
Then why aren't we third?
Look, Mr. Zand,
all we can do is put
the programs out there.
Okay.
Okay, for instance,
why aren't we first
on Thursday night?
But, then again,
I didn't know anything
about hamburgers
before we bought
the Burger Town chain,
and now
I can tell you everything
My lawyer advised me
I should, uh, cooperate.
You hired the right lawyer.
You can start
by telling us
what you were doing
hiding in a
crate dressed as
an executioner.
And why we found
one of the
Masked Magician's assistants
and that's the way it is.
Well, then, it seems to me
that's the first thing
we have to change.
All we can do is put
the programs out there.
The audience decides what it
is they're going to watch,
and that's the way it is.
Why aren't we first
on Thursday night?
He's My Wife
on UBC at 9:00 p.m.
one of the
Masked Magician's assistants
bound and gagged
in a storage cabinet.
Yeah, well,
let me show you this.
My lawyer dropped it off to me...
He taped all of his rehearsals.
This is called
"the Executioner Box."
First, the magician's hands
Because the freak-show
specials on the Pox Network
are very difficult
to counter-program.
It's pretty hard
to top a live murder.
There are actually three people
involved in this trick
besides the two dancers.
One is hiding behind the box
when the trick begins
My lawyer dropped it off to me...
The Masked Magician's
next illusion.
He taped all of his rehearsals.
Then placed into the bag.
The executioner pulls
the bag tight
and locks it.
That's the first thing
we have to change.
My lawyer advised me
and locks it.
There are actually three people
involved in this trick
the woman switches places
with the magician
through a secret opening
in the back of the box.
One is hiding behind the box
when the trick begins
dressed just like
the executioner.
And the third person dances out.
While the third person dances,
the woman switches places
with the magician
First, the magician's hands
are bound and he's blindfolded,
then placed into the bag.
Then the third person dances
behind the box
and the magician comes out
in her place
but you were planning to
incapacitate the magician
when he came out of the box
and then replace him
as the executioner.
Now, that's how the trick
usually works,
but you were planning to
incapacitate the magician
as the executioner.
Yeah, I was going to whip off
my hood and reveal myself
and make a statement
on behalf of the magic community
Now, when the woman dances
behind the box, she stays
and the third person dances out.
On behalf of the magic community
against what he has done.
Which means the woman in the
trick had to be your accomplice.
When he had already rigged
the bed of spikes?
Exactly.
I'd be an idiot.
Or else very clever.
Just don't,
uh... disappear.
So, where does that leave us?
And the magician comes out
in her place
disguised
in the executioner's robe.
Or else very clever.
Or you could have set
this whole thing up
just to rule yourself
out as a suspect.
Yeah, well, unless you
can prove that,
Yes... and also an alibi.
Yeah.
Why would he hang around
to sabotage a trick
when he had already rigged
So, where does that leave us?
Well, right back
to the beginning again.
Oh, they got us on an
accelerated production schedule.
Welcome to
Community General Hospital.
Whoa, it looks so real.
Yeah, it is...
right down to the gum
underneath
the waiting-room seats.
You're going to be
up against
He's My Wife.
But not against
The Masked Magician,
and against Red Asphalt,
I think we're going
to come in second.
Which means the woman in the
trick had to be your accomplice.
No, keep her out of this.
I take full responsibility.
That a confession?
Yes... and also an alibi.
Think hooters.
Hooters?
Well, yeah, I mean, uh,
that's one thing
that Red Asphalt's
not going to have.
I think we're going
to come in second.
All we need is
promotable stories.
Think big.
Think bloody.
Think hooters.
The actors use it
in their performances.
They absorb it.
You could've built
a real hospital
for what this place
must've cost you.
Yeah, well, unless you
can prove that,
I believe I'm free to go.
Just don't,
uh... disappear.
A redress
from
Beyond the Beyond.
It was the underwater sperm bank
on Altair-2.
You don't build the sets
from scratch?
You save money where you can.
Actually, you know,
some of these flats,
they date back
to
Jake and the Fatman.
Oh, they got us on an
accelerated production schedule.
MBC's putting us
on Thursday at 9:00.
9:00... wow, that's the worst
time slot on television.
You're going to be
up against
He's My Wife.
Who's that?
Oh, now, that...
That's
Dr. Jesse Travis.
You told me I was
a vibrant character
A definite improvement.
Well, think big.
Think bloody.
Underneath
the waiting-room seats.
But what's the difference?
No one's ever going to see it.
It permeates, baby.
The actors use it
in their performances.
Welcome to
Community General Hospital.
You told me I was
a vibrant character
with lots of levels.
Well, the network thought
a woman would be sexier,
Well, actually, nothing.
She was... perfect.
Well, excuse me.
I got to go stroke the talent.
Healing hands and feet of fury.
A definite improvement.
For what this place
must've cost you.
Well, actually, this set was
a redress
from
Beyond the Beyond.
Think bloody.
Think hooters.
Hey, what'd the network
make you do with her?
Well, actually, nothing.
And...
action.
Don't you worry, Timmy.
I just hope Mark forgives
me for writing this.
I'm sure he will
as long as you don't
make him look bad.
Hey, that's why I'm here.
Burley insisted
that I come here,
ground the show in reality.
Right.
Quiet on the set!
And...
Well, the network thought
a woman would be sexier,
particularly one
with a black belt...
a doctor with...
healing hands and feet of fury.
Don't you worry, Timmy.
You're going to see tomorrow
and a lot of
tomorrows after that.
Because you're going to get
that kidney, little man,
or I'll give you one of mine.
Excuse me.
Melanie? Hi.
You'll know love,
heartbreak, pain,
happiness...
That crazy kaleidoscope of
experiences we call life.
I got to go stroke the talent.
I just hope Mark forgives
me for writing this.
Or I'll give you one of mine.
And... cut.
Melanie? Hi.
Hi.
Where can I find Kent Beaudine?
Oh, he's in the editing room
putting together
the next episode
of Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
Except I don't think Mark has
any spare organs left to give.
See you.
Of Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
You know, what kind of
people watch that stuff?
I don't know, but there
are 15 million of them,
and a lot of
tomorrows after that.
You'll know love,
heartbreak, pain,
happiness...
That's what makes him
a good producer.
Third door on the left.
Thank you.
Just to see the Masked Magician
get murdered again.
He's going to use that footage?
The man has no shame.
That's what makes him
a good producer.
You're using
the Masked Magician's death
on the air?
How can you do that?
And... cut.
That's it, people!
You can't get
much more realistic than that
except I don't think Mark has
a lot of complex issues
to consider here.
I mean, is it a maiming,
a massacre or a practical joke?
How can you do that?
You know, I...
I keep asking myself
that same question.
There are...
a lot of complex issues
to consider here.
What are you trying to do,
ruin my reputation?
Oh, I don't think
that's possible.
I mean, is it a maiming,
a massacre or a practical joke?
Technically,
they would all apply.
Technically, you're headed
for life in prison
I don't know, but there
are 15 million of them,
and all of them and probably
a couple million more will watch
just to see the Masked Magician
get murdered again.
That's not a crime.
It is if you helped him
get into that warehouse.
So what if I did?
That doesn't mean
I killed the Masked Magician.
Technically, you're headed
for life in prison
no matter which it is.
Shh-shh-shh, please.
You're using
the Masked Magician's death
That doesn't mean
I killed the Masked Magician.
It suggests you
were setting him up
to take the fall for a
murder that you committed.
Mark, if I was going
to kill the Masked Magician,
I would've waited for at least
the, uh, second
commercial break.
What has gotten into you?
It's what got
into your coffee.
You were about to have
a fatal attack
of acid indigestion.
I had nothing to do
with what happened last night.
You're the one who
told Arturo where
you were shooting.
That's not a crime.
Derek Shaw is...
Dr. Danger!
Derek Shaw is...
that killed a family of three
and their adorable dog.
All this and more on tonight's
the, uh, second
commercial break.
I mean, I wouldn't
have sacrificed
the entire second half
of the show.
That's what terrifies me.
A flesh-shredding collision
Change the channel.
Oh...
It's just beginning.
That's what terrifies me.
A fatal attack
of acid indigestion.
How? How am I supposed
to get a date with a supermodel
if they all think
that I'm your wife?
Who was that?
It's the most popular show
on television.
You know, there are other
programs besides
Baywatch.
Why was he wearing a dress?
All this and more on tonight's
premiere of Red Asphalt:
America's worst car crashes.
Why was he wearing a dress?
Well, because Gerry's
best friend has to
marry within a year
or he loses $300
million inheritance.
I don't think so...
Because he didn't know
I was coming, and I think
he would have done
something a little flashier than
just put acid in his coffee.
No, I think the sabotage
and the killings are all about
or he loses $300
million inheritance.
What has television come to?
Well, it's getting to be murder.
You know, I don't think whoever
killed the Masked Magician
did it to stop him because
he was giving away tricks.
I think it's about ratings.
But the only one that benefited
Maybe now you
can appreciate
Dr. Danger.
Has nothing to do with reality.
How can you write for it?
You know, I think
you're taking this a
little too seriously.
It's just entertainment.
And someone tried
to kill him, too.
He could have staged
the attempt on his life
to throw suspicion
off of himself.
I don't think so...
Because he didn't know
Who was that?
That was Gerry Lane.
He's the star of He's My Wife.
It's the most popular show
on television.
And feet of fury
that fight injustice.
Why should you mind
being a doctor
with a badge?
You sound more like
Jackson Burley every day.
Trying to capture your voices
for my Dr. Danger script...
so keep talking...
It'll be authentic.
Jesse, you know that Dr. Danger
has nothing to do with reality.
Excuse me, everybody.
I want to make a toast...
No, I think the sabotage
and the killings are all about
Kent Beaudine's hit specials.
You mean his trash TV.
But the only one that benefited
from those ratings
was Kent Beaudine,
and someone tried
to kill him, too.
You sound more like
Jackson Burley every day.
Ah...
you're the best, babe.
Yes. Well said.
To Destiny-ville
and the shining light that
reflects off the eyes of hope...
You're the best, babe.
You mean his trash TV.
What are you doing?
Trying to capture your voices
for my Dr. Danger script...
That, uh... that tore, Jack.
To the bone.
It's just entertainment.
I don't mind being an Asian
woman with healing hands
and feet of fury
that fight injustice.
Way to go, way to go.
Uh, uh, e-e-excuse me.
Uh, I hate to bother
you, Mr. Shaw,
I want to make a toast...
to the guy who runs
on the molten concrete
to Destiny-ville
This is very...
very exciting.
Okay.
Yeah, listen.
I thank you.
There we go.
I thank you
so very... much.
My pleasure.
Oh, here... just use...
use my back right there.
This is very...
very exciting.
It's my thing.
Oh, and a dandy thing it is.
I see that you, uh...
you've numbered it there, too.
And that will be
especially valuable
I thank you
so very... much.
Uh, uh, "Dr. Sloane."
I always sign
as the character I'm playing.
It's my thing.
Well, everybody,
I got places to go.
Keep the flame burning.
Way to go, way to go.
I don't know. This scene
where the guy gets hit
by the bulldozer, you know.
It just kind of lays there.
It needs more
E.R. stuff, you know.
Oh, you think you'll
be lucky enough
to stay on the air that long?
I make my own luck, friend.
Yeah, I know,
but he's just laying there
with a tube in his throat.
You know, people seem to do that
Uh, I hate to bother
you, Mr. Shaw,
but my little niece, Katie,
would just kill
me if she knew
that I saw you
and I didn't get your autograph.
My pleasure.
Well... you know, he was just
run over by a bulldozer.
Yeah, I know,
but he's just laying there
Yeah. Me, too, friend.
I don't know. This scene
this guy, delirious with pain,
sits up...
and he snatches the E.T. tube
out of his throat,
and then he strangles
the nurse with it.
Got it.
This guy... I mean...
doesn't he seem kind of passive?
Well... you know, he was just
run over by a bulldozer.
And that will be
especially valuable
five or six years from now
since this is the first one
I've signed in this role.
Oh, you think you'll
be lucky enough
You know, people seem to do that
when they have massive
internal injuries.
Look...
suppose the moment
that Mark Sloane turns away
He throws him down,
straddles him
and jams that tube
back down his throat.
My God... I don't think
that's possible.
I... I...
And then... and then...
Mark Sloane, he spins around,
he hits the guy,
It needs more
E.R. stuff, you know.
Stat this, stat that.
"More E.R. stuff."
Got it.
Ratings are here.
How did we do?
Kick-ass. Came in third.
That doesn't sound
so "kick-ass" to me.
If you write it, it's possible.
Ratings are here.
My God... I don't think
that's possible.
If you write it, it's possible.
Come to life and help people.
Yuck. Sucked.
Only lasted six episodes.
No, it's on the UPN Network now.
Suppose the moment
that Mark Sloane turns away
this guy, delirious with pain,
sits up...
The real fight on Thursday night
is for second.
Yeah, but Red Asphalt
on the Pox Network
came in second.
One sickly little share point.
When MBC had, uh, Con Art
they were behind
by ten share points.
Mark Sloane, he spins around,
he hits the guy,
he drags him across the room
to the table.
He throws him down,
straddles him
they were behind
by ten share points.
Con Artist?
Yeah. Lee Majors
as an ex-con
whose jailhouse tattoos
come to life and help people.
Besides, the Masked Magician
was Kent Beaudine's real star,
and he's dead... punta de basta.
How fortunate for us.
No, it's on the UPN Network now.
You know... when those
freak-show specials
are gone off the Pox Network,
we're going to be second.
How many car crashes
can you watch
before you're sick of them?
What do you suppose happened
to
The A-Team?
Besides, the Masked Magician
was Kent Beaudine's real star,
That doesn't sound
so "kick-ass" to me.
Well, He's My Wife
and Pals on UBC
is always in first place.
The real fight on Thursday night
is for second.
Okay.
Yeah, thanks.
What is it?
Lady Luck just coughed up
a heifer-sized spit-wad
How fortunate for us.
Hey, that's TV, baby.
You never know
which way Lady Luck
is going to spit.
You just hope it's not
in your breakfast.
Well... are you sure?
Okay.
I came up as soon as I heard.
What happened?
We found his
sports car
at the bottom
of a canyon
up Mulholland
this morning.
Are gone off the Pox Network,
we're going to be second.
Well, what makes you so sure
that those specials
are going to stop?
How many car crashes
can you watch
but from my preliminary
external examination,
I'd say he died from
injuries from the crash.
You found nine ounces
of scotch in his stomach?
Of a canyon
up Mulholland
this morning.
Looks like he took
a curve too fast.
If that's what it looks like,
I'll bet you anything
that's not what happened.
Derek Shaw is dead.
I came up as soon as I heard.
You found nine ounces
of scotch in his stomach?
Shaw was out
partying around
town pretty hard
last night... celebrating
the premiere of his show.
Yeah?
Ah. You got the tox
screen back yet?
Yeah, but I haven't had
a chance to look it over.
Blood alcohol level .05?
What?
No, there's, uh,
nine ounces of scotch
in his stomach.
Lady Luck just coughed up
a heifer-sized spit-wad
and heaved it on my life.
Derek Shaw is dead.
Last night... celebrating
the premiere of his show.
He also has a history
of reckless driving
and alcohol abuse.
Ah. You got the tox
screen back yet?
Which means he was dead
before that alcohol
ever had a chance
to get into his bloodstream.
Somebody poured that
scotch down his throat.
Now, he should have had
a blood alcohol level
way over .05 percent.
But it's not.
Which means he was dead
I'll bet you anything
that's not what happened.
No signs of foul play so far,
but from my preliminary
external examination,
You know, in a sense
that's me on that
autopsy table.
I have a personal interest
in seeing this case through.
Has something to do
with the Masked
Magician's murder.
I just don't know how.
I guess you heard
about Derek Shaw.
Yeah. I suppose you heard
about
Dr. Danger.
Somebody poured that
scotch down his throat.
Dr. Danger was murdered.
Which means they won't
be shooting my script.
Maybe you can write
for another show.
Baywatch couldn't be too hard.
Maybe I can write for the show
I have a personal interest
in seeing this case through.
Dr. Sloan solves
his own murder.
Sounds like a TV show.
Better be careful
or Jackson Burley will use it.
Nine ounces of scotch
in his stomach.
That's the equivalent
of six 1.5-ounce shots.
Now, he should have had
a blood alcohol level
Yeah. I suppose you heard
about
Dr. Danger.
Aren't they one and the same?
Yeah, they are now.
Maybe I can write for the show
that's shooting in
the path lab right now.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Better be careful
or Jackson Burley will use it.
You know, I can't get over
the feeling that Shaw's death
has something to do
with the Masked
Magician's murder.
On national television?
Did you think about
what his family might feel?
Well, I-I'll make sure they get
a cassette if they miss it.
I will not.
This is a restricted area.
Well, I just want a peek.
You're going to
display Shaw's corpse
on national television?
You know, I'm the victim here.
I catch you sneaking
into the morgue again,
you will be.
Now, get out of here.
Wait! My shows are only drawing,
like, half the audience
Well, I-I'll make sure they get
a cassette if they miss it.
All right, that's it.
Come on.
Everybody out, or I'll stick you
in one of those drawers myself.
Come on.
Wait, please, guys,
you got to help me.
Wait! My shows are only drawing,
like, half the audience
that the Masked
Magician shows did.
I mean, without it as a lead-in,
my other shows are dead.
Yeah, they are now.
MBC is putting Dr. Danger
on hiatus...
Which is TV-speak for dead,
which means they won't
be shooting my script.
You really think
that's a good idea?
Hey, whoever killed
the Masked Magician
is still out there.
It would be suicide
for another magician
to take his place.
I mean, without it as a lead-in,
my other shows are dead.
What a loss.
How about if you hired yourself
another Masked Magician?
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky
Hey, what are you doing?!
Oh, hi. Could you give me
a hand with this?
It's stuck, I think.
I will not.
This is a restricted area.
It would be suicide
for another magician
to take his place.
Yeah, but, you know...
it would make a great special.
Yes, yes, it would.
Now the Masked Magician
will perform one of the
deadliest tricks ever devised,
and if he manages to live,
we'll show you how it's done.
Wait, please, guys,
you got to help me.
You people commit crimes
against common decency.
I don't want anything
to do with you.
You know, I'm the victim here.
Yes, yes, it would.
Which is exactly why
you have to do it.
And if he manages to live,
we'll show you how it's done.
Once again, the dancing girls.
He is then put into a box.
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky
and someone will try
and kill him, too.
Yes, maybe he will.
You really think
that's a good idea?
The Masked Magician is tied
into a straitjacket.
He is then put into a box.
Now it gets deadly.
Once again, the dancing girls.
Notice how they're
all dressed alike.
This is important.
Which is exactly why
you have to do it.
With screws and chains.
These are real sticks
of dynamite.
The suits they are wearing are
standard bomb squad issue
for their own protection.
Lower the box now!
The box is then sealed tight
This is important.
The Masked Magician is tied
into a straitjacket.
Now it gets deadly.
I can assure you
these are real sticks
of dynamite.
The box is then sealed tight
with screws and chains.
Standard bomb squad issue
for their own protection.
No matter what happens,
keep rolling.
How'd you get in there?
Ask him.
He almost got me killed.
You can only blame yourself.
And now they light the fuse.
The Masked Magician,
you wouldn't be in the box.
Now, this is television.
How did you know it was me?
I didn't,
but I did know
that whoever the murderer was
would probably try again
during the only trick
No matter what happens,
keep rolling.
And now they light the fuse.
You can only blame yourself.
Would probably try again
during the only trick
that really endangered
the magician's life,
and I knew that the only way
to sabotage this trick
Well, I... didn't want
to disappoint the audience.
They tuned in for a magic trick.
At least you care
about the audience.
That's a lot more than I can say
for Kent Beaudine.
Is that why you killed?
For the audience?
It's part of me,
part of my family.
My father didn't help create
this medium
so that it could turn
into a freak show.
And I knew that the only way
to sabotage this trick
would be if the assistant
who was supposed
to secretly free the magician
from the box... didn't.
If you hadn't
tried to murder me
the way you murdered
the Masked Magician,
you wouldn't be in the box.
Something my father
would have embraced.
I loved that show.
I had to do it
before they destroyed
television.
Then why did you kill
Derek Shaw?
Because he was distorting
the view of medicine?
Dr. Danger was
pure entertainment...
Something my father
would have embraced.
So that it could turn
into a freak show.
So they could, literally,
take the magic out of magic.
I had to do it
to secretly free the magician
from the box... didn't.
Well, you didn't have to put me
in the box instead.
Well, I... didn't want
to disappoint the audience.
So... how did you
get out of the box?
And how did you get her in?
For the audience?
For television...
It's part of me,
part of my family.
And how did you get her in?
Magic.
On re-showing that show
again tonight.
Our research department thinks
it will get a 45 share.
Yeah, but that's
just a one-shot deal.
Because he was distorting
the view of medicine?
No, I didn't kill him.
Dr. Danger was
pure entertainment...
Last night on the Pox Network,
Dr. Mark Sloan
captured the Masked
Magician's murderer
Yeah, but that's
just a one-shot deal.
It's not like they can turn that
into a series.
No, they can't.
MBC.
How may I help you?
And so's the script.
And I found a new series star
that embodies the
essence of Mark Sloane
But we can.
They don't know it,
but they are running a promo
Mr. Debono will see you now.
From one of
his sidekicks,
Dr. Jesse Travis.
Hong Kong tough,
but smart and sexy.
The Mark Sloane TV series.
Now all we need is a story
and somebody to star in it.
I've got a searing drama on tap
from one of
his sidekicks,
Dr. Jesse Travis.
That embodies the
essence of Mark Sloane
and exudes such sexuality,
he pollinates the flowers.
Good. I want this
in the air in two weeks.
Dr. Mark Sloan
captured the Masked
Magician's murderer
live on national television,
and they're planning
on re-showing that show
again tonight.
Let's go.
Give me the headlines.
We got a gang shooting...
Two bullets in the chest.
- He's crashed twice on the way here.
- He's crashed twice on the way here.
I don't think even you
can save him, Dr. Sloane.
That's what you think.
Out of my way.
C.B.C.
Right.
They don't know it,
but they are running a promo
for your new series.
Dr. Danger.
We've got
the Mark Sloane TV series.
"If that rabbit won't run,
get it out of the microwave."
Trauma one. Pressure's falling.
Let's go.
So how does it feel
seeing your words come to life?
There's a kid upstairs
waiting for a kidney,
and if there's
a god in this world,
we just found it for him.
Yes, Doctor.
Cut. And print.
Good. I want this
in the air in two weeks.
Can you do it?
You know what they say...
"If that rabbit won't run,
get it out of the microwave."
Right.
Chem seven.
Yes, Doctor.
Type and cross ten units
of whole blood, stat.
Right away, Doctor.
Seeing your words come to life?
Well, those weren't
exactly my words,
and, uh, I didn't exactly
write that scene.
Yeah.
The scene is over.
Shouldn't he get up?
He's a method actor.
He's into his part.
And, uh, I didn't exactly
write that scene.
Well, don't thank me
for the tweaks.
Now, the truth was there.
I just found it for you.
Ah. I didn't know
you were an actor.
Well, neither did I until today.
You know, I've always
wanted to be an actor.
Yeah.
Get his blood type.
There's a kid upstairs
waiting for a kidney,
Come on, kid, get up.
You're upstaging me here.
Let's go!
Somebody call 911! Hurry!
Come on, kid, get up.
You killed him.
He's into his part.
I think his performance
is almost too good.
What can I say?
I got a great eye for talent.
Those bullets were real.
You killed him.
I got a great eye for talent.
Let's go!
Those bullets were real.
You killed him.
I'm Randolph Mantooth.
In this abandoned warehouse,
deep in the heart
of an American city,
one brave man will once again
solve the mysteries
that have perplexed us
for centuries,
risking his life to reveal
the secrets behind
the world's greatest illusions.
Live.
He's the first magician, ever,
to dare show us
how the tricks are done,
but with that comes a price.
He must forever
keep his identity hidden
or run the risk
of almost certain death.
He must become
the Masked Magician.
So... stay tuned.
In exactly two minutes,
the mysteries of magic
will be revealed.
Cut.
And we're clear.
You know, I-I think I need
more light than this.
When they show up,
give me a call.
He's telling millions of people
how the tricks are done.
The magicians all want him dead.
Look, I'm not going to
be used as a P.R. stunt.
I know him.
He wants Randolph Mantooth
to tell the audience
that the Masked Magician
is in so much danger
I would never
exploit this situation
for promotional purposes.
Well, maybe you wouldn't,
but he would.
I know him.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
Hey, if you were
any good at your job,
you'd have thought of it first.
Five seconds to air.
To protect his identity,
you will not see his face,
nor hear him speak.
That the Masked Magician
is in so much danger
that homicide detectives
had to be standing by.
Got to admit,
it's a real grabber.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
And then, if he survives,
he will share the secret
of how it was done.
You are about to witness
an astonishing illusion.
An arrow will pass harmlessly
through the body
of the Masked Magician,
striking the bull's-eye
behind him,
You are about to witness
an astonishing illusion.
Which he stabs
into the bull's-eye
to show that the sharp point
is real.
The trick begins
with his assistants
dancing in front of him.
One of them hands him
an arrow...
which he stabs
into the bull's-eye
Maybe you can see
how the illusion is done.
Here's a hint...
Ask yourself
why he's using a rifle instead
of a bow to fire the arrow.
You will not see his face,
nor hear him speak.
The trick begins
with his assistants
striking the bull's-eye
behind him,
and then, if he survives,
he will share the secret
An assistant gives him a rifle.
He endows it
with magic powers...
An assistant gives him a rifle.
Then loads a charge into it.
Once the arrow
hits the bull's-eye,
he will use the ribbon
to prove that it has
actually gone through his body.
He ties a ribbon
to the end of the arrow.
Why he's using a rifle instead
of a bow to fire the arrow.
Oh, my God!
Easy. Easy.
Lay him down.
Watch closely.
Maybe you can see
how the illusion is done.
What happened?
Don't move him.
About my secret past
as a call girl,
my affair with his brother,
and the forged checks.
I had to kill him, Doctor.
He knew
about my secret past
as a call girl,
made last year
based on your life.
That isn't anything
like my life.
I know.
Well...
that's the Dr. Danger
pilot Phil Zarkin
made last year
based on your life.
He knew
about my secret past
as a call girl,
Where's the sex?
Sex?
This concept doesn't begin
to capture the blood,
the grit and the raw sexuality
I had to kill him, Doctor.
And you would have
gotten away with
it, too...
if only you hadn't
polished your
fingernails.
Where's the humanity?
Absolutely.
Where's the relevance?
Positively.
Where's the sex?
Read her her rights.
Oh, and make sure that she
gets one of these pills
three times daily.
Well...
They can take it
the way it really is,
and that's what we're
going to give them.
"We"?
Take a look at
the new
Dr. Danger.
He knew I was a hooker,
that I'd seduced his wife
and that I was emptying his
secret Cayman Islands account.
I know.
It's garbage.
That's why the network
brought me in
to revamp the whole thing.
They have tremendous faith
in the concept, Mark,
and enormous respect for you.
They just want to get it right.
I don't face anything like that.
I do.
You know what audiences
are looking for today?
Their remotes?
I would have been so embarrassed
if they'd put that on the air.
Of course you would.
It doesn't begin to capture
the essence of what you do.
Exactly.
Where's the humanity?
And that I was emptying his
secret Cayman Islands account.
He had to die.
You would have
gotten away with it
Go ahead, baby,
pull the trigger...
but I promise you, before that
bullet hits my skull,
you'll already be dead.
The grit and the raw sexuality
that you face every day.
I don't face anything like that.
Their remotes?
No. Honesty.
They don't want
to be patronized.
They can take it
the way it really is,
you'll already be dead.
I'm ready to die.
Are you?
Oh...
and make sure she takes
two of these, with water,
before every meal.
I smelled it on the corpse
at the crime scene...
and on you the first time
we slept together.
Well, don't thank me.
Actually, fixing it
was pretty easy.
I, uh, I just imbued the show
with an unflinching realism
and then I combined
the Mark and Steve characters
into one dynamic hero...
Your basic doctor with a badge.
I don't have a badge.
Well, you're a police
consultant. Same thing.
I don't carry a gun,
and I don't sleep
with my patients.
What's important
is that we imbued
your character
Read her her rights.
Oh...
That show's mindless.
It's superficial.
It glorifies violence
and demeans sex.
And that's exactly why MBC
is putting Dr. Danger on at 9:00
opposite the hit sitcoms on UBC
and the freak-show specials
on the Pox Network.
It's a disgrace
to the medical profession,
law enforcement
Okay, I want you
to breathe for me.
Yeah.
Okay... again.
You don't goose the fat lady
That's a good point.
Okay, I want you
to breathe for me.
What's important
is that we imbued
your character
with a reality.
Look, I didn't
sugarcoat this bullet.
Okay.
What's all this?
Okay...
No, I can't reveal my identity.
That's why he wouldn't let me
call an ambulance.
He was afraid they'd
take the mask off.
Look, I won't tell you
how to do magic...
You don't tell me
how to practice medicine.
Okay.
Law enforcement
and anything else
worth believing in,
and I don't want anything
to do with it.
Oh, I see.
So, at that instant,
somebody pulls
on the fishing line
and pulls this ribbon
You don't goose the fat lady
when she's eating
your pie in the sky.
That's a good point.
The arrow's never supposed
to leave the rifle.
There's a charge that
creates a loud bang,
a harmless puff of smoke...
Oh, I see.
And pulls this ribbon
out of the rifle
and into this tube,
and it looks like
it went through your body.
Only this time, someone put an
explosive charge in the rifle.
Okay... again.
I don't hear
any pneumo or hemothorax.
Okay...
Only this time, someone put an
explosive charge in the rifle.
Yeah. They want to kill me
for revealing these old tricks.
Well, another quarter of an inch
there, and they would have, too.
You know, I can't blame them
for being angry.
Why would you want to take
the wonder out of magic?
There he is. Roll camera.
Okay.
Oh...!
Steve, get them out of here,
will you?
No, no, wait, wait!
What's all this?
Oh...
that's the secret
behind the illusion.
The arrow's never supposed
to leave the rifle.
No, no, wait, wait!
All right, back off!
Everybody, out of here!
No, no, no.
It's okay. It's okay.
They're with me.
It's-it's for the show.
The same old tricks.
Well, there's no magic about
getting this arrow out of you.
It's going to hurt. You ready?
There he is. Roll camera.
Uh-oh.
Just a couple of quick shots
of the gruesome wound,
and-and we're out of here.
Here, you, get in close.
I don't want to miss
that cry of agony.
Yeah, which is going to be yours
unless you get
everybody out of here.
Beaudine!
Uh-oh.
Why would you want to take
the wonder out of magic?
I love magic.
But it's a dying art,
thanks to
unimaginative magicians
who keep rehashing
the same old tricks.
Security!
He used to be my agent,
and then he became a producer
and he stole my ideas!
I created the Masked Magician!
As a cop show,
not a reality special!
It's totally different!
Let's get you out of here.
Take his camera crew, too.
They're with me.
It's-it's for the show.
Well, the show is over.
No, no, no, no, my other show...
Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
Just a couple of quick shots
of the gruesome wound,
Gee, I wonder why
nobody bought that.
Nobody slides
on my gutter turf, pal!
You can take that
to the bank and smoke it!
This spectacular accident
on a lonely interstate
You can take that
to the bank and smoke it!
That killed two cheerleaders.
All this and more, tonight
What did you do that for?
He used to be my agent,
Cheap, male-skewing programs...
I can never get enough of them.
And considering the success
of the Masked Magician,
But it was a minor fender-bender
compared to this
bone-grinding smash-up
that killed two cheerleaders.
Take his camera crew, too.
Ooh, "he's a magic cop that
pulls justice out of his hat!"
Gee, I wonder why
nobody bought that.
With Red Asphalt,
we feel we've created
another reality
special franchise
for Thursday nights.
Now, combined with the proven
appeal of its lead-in...
And the hate mail
continues to roll in...
12,000 letters at last count.
All this and more, tonight
on Red Asphalt...
America's bloodiest
car accidents.
This spectacular accident
on a lonely interstate
sent three people
to a fiery grave.
In the key demographic,
especially males 18 to 35.
Cheap, male-skewing programs...
We can deal a decisive blow
against UBC's
Thursday night sitcom block
in the key demographic,
especially males 18 to 35.
And launched a national boycott
against our advertisers.
Great... publicity.
And the hate mail
continues to roll in...
America's bloodiest
car accidents.
With Red Asphalt,
we feel we've created
And considering the success
of the Masked Magician,
I don't think
our audiences can, either.
Well, not all of
them, Mr. Lustig.
Now, combined with the proven
appeal of its lead-in...
Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes...
We can deal a decisive blow
12,000 letters at last count.
Great. They're watching.
I want four more Red Asphalt
specials for sweeps
and two more
Masked Magician shows,
the near-death experience
of the Masked Magician.
It's a shame we can't capture
that same jeopardy every week.
More dangerous.
You've got it.
You know,
it's going to be hard to top
the near-death experience
of the Masked Magician.
Hmm.
Mark!
The Viewers
for Better Television
have branded our specials
"trash TV"
and launched a national boycott
We're going to
spell Sloane with
an "E" to make
the character my own.
Oh, I see.
Why are you wearing a lab coat?
Oh, well, Jesse was
showing us around.
Derek's absorbing his character.
You guys are an hour early.
Let me see your piece.
I don't have a piece.
I got mine.
That's not loaded, is it?
And two more
Masked Magician shows,
but, you know, uh, bigger,
more dangerous.
Uh, listen. Thanks
for lending us
your boy, Mark.
He brings truth to the table.
Really?
We better get moving.
There's a lot to absorb.
You know...
his script is going to be raw,
but I like it that way.
You're writing a script?
Well...
It's going to bring the show
the sharp edge of reality
and protect the integrity
of the Mark Sloane character.
Mark!
Derek Shaw,
I'd like you to meet
the real Mark Sloan.
Hello.
We're going to
spell Sloane with
an "E" to make
Well, as long as you
keep that wound clean
and kind of take it easy,
Perhaps Dr. Travis should work
on his own integrity first.
Come on, Mark...
Hey, uh... can I
see your piece?
And kind of take it easy,
I don't see any reason
you can't go home right now.
I'm going straight
over to the studio
to start rehearsing for
tomorrow night's broadcast.
That's not loaded, is it?
It is in here.
I see.
So, uh, shall we get started?
Uh, listen. Thanks
for lending us
your boy, Mark.
"The Masked Magician
is performing
"despite fervent protests
from his team of top
surgeons"... use it.
You just told me I was fine.
Yes, but I think
there's a very good chance
that whoever
sabotaged that trick
is going to try it again,
and next time,
you may not be so lucky.
I never would have done this
in the first place.
Besides,
I'm getting a big raise.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ho.
Of the Mark Sloane character.
With an "E."
Perhaps Dr. Travis should work
on his own integrity first.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ho.
Oh, no. No.
Not, uh, not from me,
you're not.
Then I'll get it from GBS
where I'll be doing
my next special. Use that.
All right, all right, all right.
Fine, fine, fine.
You've got it.
But, uh, this, uh...
this stays quiet.
On tomorrow night's broadcast.
What?
You are going to get
yourself killed.
You are going
to get the show killed.
To start rehearsing for
tomorrow night's broadcast.
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
"The Masked Magician
is performing
Of course you are.
You're on TV.
That's what people
expect you to be.
You know, you obviously
have no understanding
You are going
to get the show killed.
My show's about
revealing secrets.
If I don't do this,
I'm a hypocrite and a fraud.
Of course you are.
You're on TV.
And next time,
you may not be so lucky.
"Daring death for you,
the viewer"... use it.
If I was going to be scared off,
I never would have done this
in the first place.
You know, you obviously
have no understanding
of this business at all.
Besides, as long as I'm masked,
I'm replaceable.
These days, it's
all about ratings.
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
TV was supposed to unify us,
to help us understand
ourselves and each other
I'm going to just assume
it was the drugs talking, okay?
You know, it's sad what's
happened to television.
These days, it's
all about ratings.
But, uh, this, uh...
this stays quiet.
That's one secret I'll keep.
It's my identity I'm revealing
on tomorrow night's broadcast.
To help us understand
ourselves and each other
through intelligent programming.
You're serious about
this, aren't you?
When he started
the network, huh?
He saw television as a
kind of window to the world.
He just didn't foresee
I guess Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes
wasn't exactly
what he had in mind
when he started
the network, huh?
Pay-per-view, cable,
home video, five networks,
first-run syndication,
the Internet...
All fighting for our
limited attention spans.
Besides, as long as I'm masked,
I'm replaceable.
He understands.
I'm going to just assume
What are you doing over at Pox?
Well, you have to start at
the bottom to get to the top.
What do you want to
do, run a network?
All fighting for our
limited attention spans.
Yeah, they don't make them
like your dad anymore.
What are you doing over at Pox?
For centuries, audiences
have been mystified
and entertained
by the amazing feats of magic.
You're serious about
this, aren't you?
Well, my father was Pat Cooper.
Pat Cooper, the founder of MBC?
Hmm...
to never reveal the secrets
behind those illusions,
but one man has broken that vow.
The Masked Magician will pay
for his traitorous betrayal
and entertained
by the amazing feats of magic.
Each magician
takes an implicit vow
to never reveal the secrets
behind those illusions,
He just didn't foresee
how competitive
the medium would become.
Pay-per-view, cable,
home video, five networks,
The Masked Magician will pay
for his traitorous betrayal
of the art of magic.
We will make sure
he disappears
forever.
Thought you said
this was a secret location.
It was, until Kent Beaudine
tipped them off.
Why would he do that?
What do you want to
do, run a network?
Someday,
if there are any networks left.
Half those cameras are ours.
We're about to come back
from commercial.
This is who I am.
Why have I revealed
these secrets?
To create new illusions
that'll dazzle and amaze us,
keeping magic alive.
And now I will put to rest
We will make sure
he disappears
forever.
Why would he do that?
Nothing like a little conflict
to stoke the ratings.
Half those cameras are ours.
And waves his hand
underneath them
to show there are no mirrors.
Let me assure you...
The spikes are as razor sharp
as they look.
Why have I revealed
these secrets?
To reinvigorate a declining art.
By revealing these old tricks,
magicians everywhere
will be inspired
to create new illusions
that'll dazzle and amaze us,
and the curtain
is drawn around the bed.
And now I will put to rest
one of the oldest illusions
of them all.
Notice the curtain
doesn't reach the floor.
The magician tests the spikes
to prove they're real
and waves his hand
underneath them
Where is he?
I-I don't know.
He's supposed to be sitting
on top of the platform.
He's dead.
The magician is
actually strapped down,
but all the straps are Velcro.
So he just sits up
when the curtain comes down,
Notice the curtain
doesn't reach the floor.
This is so you can see
he can't hide under the bed.
I don't think I have to
tell you the cause of death.
He's dead.
I don't think I have to
tell you the cause of death.
No.
What went wrong with the trick?
Well, it's pretty
simple, really.
The magician is
actually strapped down,
one of the straps was real.
Why would someone
do such a thing?
Uh, perhaps to avoid
a hefty pay raise
Since Allied Bottling
bought GBS a year ago,
we've allowed you
to remain autonomous,
Uh, perhaps to avoid
a hefty pay raise
and maybe to make sure
that the last special
has the biggest ratings.
No, I-I meant, why would
someone else do such a thing?
You mean like
the Amazing Arturo?
Found him hiding
in a crate back there
You want to tell us why?
Not without a lawyer.
Run the network your way.
And I appreciate
that, Mr. Reece.
Well, we did that because
an amorphous culture and
turbulent social landscape,
but it can be very rewarding.
Miss Simone,
there is nothing rewarding
So he just sits up
when the curtain comes down,
rolls over onto this ledge
before the spikes come down.
Only this time
one of the straps was real.
Well, we did that because
we didn't understand
the television business.
We still don't.
Well, it's not as easy
as it looks.
Since Allied Bottling
bought GBS a year ago,
about losing
$150 million annually.
Yes, but one hit
can change all that,
and I'm pleased to say
that our development for next
season looks very promising.
Found him hiding
in a crate back there
wearing that and holding this.
You want to tell us why?
And virtually all of them
will be canceled
within the first 13 episodes,
but you keep putting
programming out there
and hoping that just one of them
will last the season.
Miss Simone,
there is nothing rewarding
about losing
$150 million annually.
And hoping that just one of them
will last the season.
That's the television business.
Now I know why
I don't understand
to see substantial improvement.
It takes a year to develop
and produce a new series,
and virtually all of them
will be canceled
for you to see how we do things
on the bottling side.
I don't see how
the bottling business
applies to what we do here.
Well, it's not as easy
as it looks.
You're at the mercy
of a fickle audience,
an amorphous culture and
turbulent social landscape,
applies to what we do here.
Mr. Zand will show you.
He is your new vice president
of... what is it again, Garth?
West Coast operations.
Now I know why
I don't understand
the television business...
Because it makes
no economic sense whatsoever.
Perhaps it's time
that our development for next
season looks very promising.
Well, we can't wait
until next season
to see substantial improvement.
You two, um...
should get along
very well together.
West Coast operations.
Yes, right...
West Coast operations.
And I'm sure that you'll find
Mr. Zand will be
instrumental in devising...
and now
I can tell you everything
about a Double Cheese
Super Deluxe
right on down to the number
of sesame seeds on the bun.
Perhaps it's time
for you to see how we do things
on the bottling side.
So, at first, you'll forgive me
if I ask a few dumb questions?
Right on down to the number
of sesame seeds on the bun.
Really?
So, at first, you'll forgive me
if I ask a few dumb questions?
I don't know anything
about television.
But, then again,
on UBC at 9:00 p.m.
It's been the number-one
sitcom on television
for the past five years.
Mr. Zand will be
instrumental in devising...
new, competitive strategies.
You two, um...
for the past five years.
Why aren't we second?
Because the freak-show
specials on the Pox Network
It's pretty hard
to top a live murder.
Then why aren't we third?
Look, Mr. Zand,
all we can do is put
the programs out there.
Okay.
Okay, for instance,
why aren't we first
on Thursday night?
But, then again,
I didn't know anything
about hamburgers
before we bought
the Burger Town chain,
and now
I can tell you everything
My lawyer advised me
I should, uh, cooperate.
You hired the right lawyer.
You can start
by telling us
what you were doing
hiding in a
crate dressed as
an executioner.
And why we found
one of the
Masked Magician's assistants
and that's the way it is.
Well, then, it seems to me
that's the first thing
we have to change.
All we can do is put
the programs out there.
The audience decides what it
is they're going to watch,
and that's the way it is.
Why aren't we first
on Thursday night?
He's My Wife
on UBC at 9:00 p.m.
one of the
Masked Magician's assistants
bound and gagged
in a storage cabinet.
Yeah, well,
let me show you this.
My lawyer dropped it off to me...
He taped all of his rehearsals.
This is called
"the Executioner Box."
First, the magician's hands
Because the freak-show
specials on the Pox Network
are very difficult
to counter-program.
It's pretty hard
to top a live murder.
There are actually three people
involved in this trick
besides the two dancers.
One is hiding behind the box
when the trick begins
My lawyer dropped it off to me...
The Masked Magician's
next illusion.
He taped all of his rehearsals.
Then placed into the bag.
The executioner pulls
the bag tight
and locks it.
That's the first thing
we have to change.
My lawyer advised me
and locks it.
There are actually three people
involved in this trick
the woman switches places
with the magician
through a secret opening
in the back of the box.
One is hiding behind the box
when the trick begins
dressed just like
the executioner.
And the third person dances out.
While the third person dances,
the woman switches places
with the magician
First, the magician's hands
are bound and he's blindfolded,
then placed into the bag.
Then the third person dances
behind the box
and the magician comes out
in her place
but you were planning to
incapacitate the magician
when he came out of the box
and then replace him
as the executioner.
Now, that's how the trick
usually works,
but you were planning to
incapacitate the magician
as the executioner.
Yeah, I was going to whip off
my hood and reveal myself
and make a statement
on behalf of the magic community
Now, when the woman dances
behind the box, she stays
and the third person dances out.
On behalf of the magic community
against what he has done.
Which means the woman in the
trick had to be your accomplice.
When he had already rigged
the bed of spikes?
Exactly.
I'd be an idiot.
Or else very clever.
Just don't,
uh... disappear.
So, where does that leave us?
And the magician comes out
in her place
disguised
in the executioner's robe.
Or else very clever.
Or you could have set
this whole thing up
just to rule yourself
out as a suspect.
Yeah, well, unless you
can prove that,
Yes... and also an alibi.
Yeah.
Why would he hang around
to sabotage a trick
when he had already rigged
So, where does that leave us?
Well, right back
to the beginning again.
Oh, they got us on an
accelerated production schedule.
Welcome to
Community General Hospital.
Whoa, it looks so real.
Yeah, it is...
right down to the gum
underneath
the waiting-room seats.
You're going to be
up against
He's My Wife.
But not against
The Masked Magician,
and against Red Asphalt,
I think we're going
to come in second.
Which means the woman in the
trick had to be your accomplice.
No, keep her out of this.
I take full responsibility.
That a confession?
Yes... and also an alibi.
Think hooters.
Hooters?
Well, yeah, I mean, uh,
that's one thing
that Red Asphalt's
not going to have.
I think we're going
to come in second.
All we need is
promotable stories.
Think big.
Think bloody.
Think hooters.
The actors use it
in their performances.
They absorb it.
You could've built
a real hospital
for what this place
must've cost you.
Yeah, well, unless you
can prove that,
I believe I'm free to go.
Just don't,
uh... disappear.
A redress
from
Beyond the Beyond.
It was the underwater sperm bank
on Altair-2.
You don't build the sets
from scratch?
You save money where you can.
Actually, you know,
some of these flats,
they date back
to
Jake and the Fatman.
Oh, they got us on an
accelerated production schedule.
MBC's putting us
on Thursday at 9:00.
9:00... wow, that's the worst
time slot on television.
You're going to be
up against
He's My Wife.
Who's that?
Oh, now, that...
That's
Dr. Jesse Travis.
You told me I was
a vibrant character
A definite improvement.
Well, think big.
Think bloody.
Underneath
the waiting-room seats.
But what's the difference?
No one's ever going to see it.
It permeates, baby.
The actors use it
in their performances.
Welcome to
Community General Hospital.
You told me I was
a vibrant character
with lots of levels.
Well, the network thought
a woman would be sexier,
Well, actually, nothing.
She was... perfect.
Well, excuse me.
I got to go stroke the talent.
Healing hands and feet of fury.
A definite improvement.
For what this place
must've cost you.
Well, actually, this set was
a redress
from
Beyond the Beyond.
Think bloody.
Think hooters.
Hey, what'd the network
make you do with her?
Well, actually, nothing.
And...
action.
Don't you worry, Timmy.
I just hope Mark forgives
me for writing this.
I'm sure he will
as long as you don't
make him look bad.
Hey, that's why I'm here.
Burley insisted
that I come here,
ground the show in reality.
Right.
Quiet on the set!
And...
Well, the network thought
a woman would be sexier,
particularly one
with a black belt...
a doctor with...
healing hands and feet of fury.
Don't you worry, Timmy.
You're going to see tomorrow
and a lot of
tomorrows after that.
Because you're going to get
that kidney, little man,
or I'll give you one of mine.
Excuse me.
Melanie? Hi.
You'll know love,
heartbreak, pain,
happiness...
That crazy kaleidoscope of
experiences we call life.
I got to go stroke the talent.
I just hope Mark forgives
me for writing this.
Or I'll give you one of mine.
And... cut.
Melanie? Hi.
Hi.
Where can I find Kent Beaudine?
Oh, he's in the editing room
putting together
the next episode
of Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
Except I don't think Mark has
any spare organs left to give.
See you.
Of Maimings, Massacres
and Practical Jokes.
You know, what kind of
people watch that stuff?
I don't know, but there
are 15 million of them,
and a lot of
tomorrows after that.
You'll know love,
heartbreak, pain,
happiness...
That's what makes him
a good producer.
Third door on the left.
Thank you.
Just to see the Masked Magician
get murdered again.
He's going to use that footage?
The man has no shame.
That's what makes him
a good producer.
You're using
the Masked Magician's death
on the air?
How can you do that?
And... cut.
That's it, people!
You can't get
much more realistic than that
except I don't think Mark has
a lot of complex issues
to consider here.
I mean, is it a maiming,
a massacre or a practical joke?
How can you do that?
You know, I...
I keep asking myself
that same question.
There are...
a lot of complex issues
to consider here.
What are you trying to do,
ruin my reputation?
Oh, I don't think
that's possible.
I mean, is it a maiming,
a massacre or a practical joke?
Technically,
they would all apply.
Technically, you're headed
for life in prison
I don't know, but there
are 15 million of them,
and all of them and probably
a couple million more will watch
just to see the Masked Magician
get murdered again.
That's not a crime.
It is if you helped him
get into that warehouse.
So what if I did?
That doesn't mean
I killed the Masked Magician.
Technically, you're headed
for life in prison
no matter which it is.
Shh-shh-shh, please.
You're using
the Masked Magician's death
That doesn't mean
I killed the Masked Magician.
It suggests you
were setting him up
to take the fall for a
murder that you committed.
Mark, if I was going
to kill the Masked Magician,
I would've waited for at least
the, uh, second
commercial break.
What has gotten into you?
It's what got
into your coffee.
You were about to have
a fatal attack
of acid indigestion.
I had nothing to do
with what happened last night.
You're the one who
told Arturo where
you were shooting.
That's not a crime.
Derek Shaw is...
Dr. Danger!
Derek Shaw is...
that killed a family of three
and their adorable dog.
All this and more on tonight's
the, uh, second
commercial break.
I mean, I wouldn't
have sacrificed
the entire second half
of the show.
That's what terrifies me.
A flesh-shredding collision
Change the channel.
Oh...
It's just beginning.
That's what terrifies me.
A fatal attack
of acid indigestion.
How? How am I supposed
to get a date with a supermodel
if they all think
that I'm your wife?
Who was that?
It's the most popular show
on television.
You know, there are other
programs besides
Baywatch.
Why was he wearing a dress?
All this and more on tonight's
premiere of Red Asphalt:
America's worst car crashes.
Why was he wearing a dress?
Well, because Gerry's
best friend has to
marry within a year
or he loses $300
million inheritance.
I don't think so...
Because he didn't know
I was coming, and I think
he would have done
something a little flashier than
just put acid in his coffee.
No, I think the sabotage
and the killings are all about
or he loses $300
million inheritance.
What has television come to?
Well, it's getting to be murder.
You know, I don't think whoever
killed the Masked Magician
did it to stop him because
he was giving away tricks.
I think it's about ratings.
But the only one that benefited
Maybe now you
can appreciate
Dr. Danger.
Has nothing to do with reality.
How can you write for it?
You know, I think
you're taking this a
little too seriously.
It's just entertainment.
And someone tried
to kill him, too.
He could have staged
the attempt on his life
to throw suspicion
off of himself.
I don't think so...
Because he didn't know
Who was that?
That was Gerry Lane.
He's the star of He's My Wife.
It's the most popular show
on television.
And feet of fury
that fight injustice.
Why should you mind
being a doctor
with a badge?
You sound more like
Jackson Burley every day.
Trying to capture your voices
for my Dr. Danger script...
so keep talking...
It'll be authentic.
Jesse, you know that Dr. Danger
has nothing to do with reality.
Excuse me, everybody.
I want to make a toast...
No, I think the sabotage
and the killings are all about
Kent Beaudine's hit specials.
You mean his trash TV.
But the only one that benefited
from those ratings
was Kent Beaudine,
and someone tried
to kill him, too.
You sound more like
Jackson Burley every day.
Ah...
you're the best, babe.
Yes. Well said.
To Destiny-ville
and the shining light that
reflects off the eyes of hope...
You're the best, babe.
You mean his trash TV.
What are you doing?
Trying to capture your voices
for my Dr. Danger script...
That, uh... that tore, Jack.
To the bone.
It's just entertainment.
I don't mind being an Asian
woman with healing hands
and feet of fury
that fight injustice.
Way to go, way to go.
Uh, uh, e-e-excuse me.
Uh, I hate to bother
you, Mr. Shaw,
I want to make a toast...
to the guy who runs
on the molten concrete
to Destiny-ville
This is very...
very exciting.
Okay.
Yeah, listen.
I thank you.
There we go.
I thank you
so very... much.
My pleasure.
Oh, here... just use...
use my back right there.
This is very...
very exciting.
It's my thing.
Oh, and a dandy thing it is.
I see that you, uh...
you've numbered it there, too.
And that will be
especially valuable
I thank you
so very... much.
Uh, uh, "Dr. Sloane."
I always sign
as the character I'm playing.
It's my thing.
Well, everybody,
I got places to go.
Keep the flame burning.
Way to go, way to go.
I don't know. This scene
where the guy gets hit
by the bulldozer, you know.
It just kind of lays there.
It needs more
E.R. stuff, you know.
Oh, you think you'll
be lucky enough
to stay on the air that long?
I make my own luck, friend.
Yeah, I know,
but he's just laying there
with a tube in his throat.
You know, people seem to do that
Uh, I hate to bother
you, Mr. Shaw,
but my little niece, Katie,
would just kill
me if she knew
that I saw you
and I didn't get your autograph.
My pleasure.
Well... you know, he was just
run over by a bulldozer.
Yeah, I know,
but he's just laying there
Yeah. Me, too, friend.
I don't know. This scene
this guy, delirious with pain,
sits up...
and he snatches the E.T. tube
out of his throat,
and then he strangles
the nurse with it.
Got it.
This guy... I mean...
doesn't he seem kind of passive?
Well... you know, he was just
run over by a bulldozer.
And that will be
especially valuable
five or six years from now
since this is the first one
I've signed in this role.
Oh, you think you'll
be lucky enough
You know, people seem to do that
when they have massive
internal injuries.
Look...
suppose the moment
that Mark Sloane turns away
He throws him down,
straddles him
and jams that tube
back down his throat.
My God... I don't think
that's possible.
I... I...
And then... and then...
Mark Sloane, he spins around,
he hits the guy,
It needs more
E.R. stuff, you know.
Stat this, stat that.
"More E.R. stuff."
Got it.
Ratings are here.
How did we do?
Kick-ass. Came in third.
That doesn't sound
so "kick-ass" to me.
If you write it, it's possible.
Ratings are here.
My God... I don't think
that's possible.
If you write it, it's possible.
Come to life and help people.
Yuck. Sucked.
Only lasted six episodes.
No, it's on the UPN Network now.
Suppose the moment
that Mark Sloane turns away
this guy, delirious with pain,
sits up...
The real fight on Thursday night
is for second.
Yeah, but Red Asphalt
on the Pox Network
came in second.
One sickly little share point.
When MBC had, uh, Con Art
they were behind
by ten share points.
Mark Sloane, he spins around,
he hits the guy,
he drags him across the room
to the table.
He throws him down,
straddles him
they were behind
by ten share points.
Con Artist?
Yeah. Lee Majors
as an ex-con
whose jailhouse tattoos
come to life and help people.
Besides, the Masked Magician
was Kent Beaudine's real star,
and he's dead... punta de basta.
How fortunate for us.
No, it's on the UPN Network now.
You know... when those
freak-show specials
are gone off the Pox Network,
we're going to be second.
How many car crashes
can you watch
before you're sick of them?
What do you suppose happened
to
The A-Team?
Besides, the Masked Magician
was Kent Beaudine's real star,
That doesn't sound
so "kick-ass" to me.
Well, He's My Wife
and Pals on UBC
is always in first place.
The real fight on Thursday night
is for second.
Okay.
Yeah, thanks.
What is it?
Lady Luck just coughed up
a heifer-sized spit-wad
How fortunate for us.
Hey, that's TV, baby.
You never know
which way Lady Luck
is going to spit.
You just hope it's not
in your breakfast.
Well... are you sure?
Okay.
I came up as soon as I heard.
What happened?
We found his
sports car
at the bottom
of a canyon
up Mulholland
this morning.
Are gone off the Pox Network,
we're going to be second.
Well, what makes you so sure
that those specials
are going to stop?
How many car crashes
can you watch
but from my preliminary
external examination,
I'd say he died from
injuries from the crash.
You found nine ounces
of scotch in his stomach?
Of a canyon
up Mulholland
this morning.
Looks like he took
a curve too fast.
If that's what it looks like,
I'll bet you anything
that's not what happened.
Derek Shaw is dead.
I came up as soon as I heard.
You found nine ounces
of scotch in his stomach?
Shaw was out
partying around
town pretty hard
last night... celebrating
the premiere of his show.
Yeah?
Ah. You got the tox
screen back yet?
Yeah, but I haven't had
a chance to look it over.
Blood alcohol level .05?
What?
No, there's, uh,
nine ounces of scotch
in his stomach.
Lady Luck just coughed up
a heifer-sized spit-wad
and heaved it on my life.
Derek Shaw is dead.
Last night... celebrating
the premiere of his show.
He also has a history
of reckless driving
and alcohol abuse.
Ah. You got the tox
screen back yet?
Which means he was dead
before that alcohol
ever had a chance
to get into his bloodstream.
Somebody poured that
scotch down his throat.
Now, he should have had
a blood alcohol level
way over .05 percent.
But it's not.
Which means he was dead
I'll bet you anything
that's not what happened.
No signs of foul play so far,
but from my preliminary
external examination,
You know, in a sense
that's me on that
autopsy table.
I have a personal interest
in seeing this case through.
Has something to do
with the Masked
Magician's murder.
I just don't know how.
I guess you heard
about Derek Shaw.
Yeah. I suppose you heard
about
Dr. Danger.
Somebody poured that
scotch down his throat.
Dr. Danger was murdered.
Which means they won't
be shooting my script.
Maybe you can write
for another show.
Baywatch couldn't be too hard.
Maybe I can write for the show
I have a personal interest
in seeing this case through.
Dr. Sloan solves
his own murder.
Sounds like a TV show.
Better be careful
or Jackson Burley will use it.
Nine ounces of scotch
in his stomach.
That's the equivalent
of six 1.5-ounce shots.
Now, he should have had
a blood alcohol level
Yeah. I suppose you heard
about
Dr. Danger.
Aren't they one and the same?
Yeah, they are now.
Maybe I can write for the show
that's shooting in
the path lab right now.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Better be careful
or Jackson Burley will use it.
You know, I can't get over
the feeling that Shaw's death
has something to do
with the Masked
Magician's murder.
On national television?
Did you think about
what his family might feel?
Well, I-I'll make sure they get
a cassette if they miss it.
I will not.
This is a restricted area.
Well, I just want a peek.
You're going to
display Shaw's corpse
on national television?
You know, I'm the victim here.
I catch you sneaking
into the morgue again,
you will be.
Now, get out of here.
Wait! My shows are only drawing,
like, half the audience
Well, I-I'll make sure they get
a cassette if they miss it.
All right, that's it.
Come on.
Everybody out, or I'll stick you
in one of those drawers myself.
Come on.
Wait, please, guys,
you got to help me.
Wait! My shows are only drawing,
like, half the audience
that the Masked
Magician shows did.
I mean, without it as a lead-in,
my other shows are dead.
Yeah, they are now.
MBC is putting Dr. Danger
on hiatus...
Which is TV-speak for dead,
which means they won't
be shooting my script.
You really think
that's a good idea?
Hey, whoever killed
the Masked Magician
is still out there.
It would be suicide
for another magician
to take his place.
I mean, without it as a lead-in,
my other shows are dead.
What a loss.
How about if you hired yourself
another Masked Magician?
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky
Hey, what are you doing?!
Oh, hi. Could you give me
a hand with this?
It's stuck, I think.
I will not.
This is a restricted area.
It would be suicide
for another magician
to take his place.
Yeah, but, you know...
it would make a great special.
Yes, yes, it would.
Now the Masked Magician
will perform one of the
deadliest tricks ever devised,
and if he manages to live,
we'll show you how it's done.
Wait, please, guys,
you got to help me.
You people commit crimes
against common decency.
I don't want anything
to do with you.
You know, I'm the victim here.
Yes, yes, it would.
Which is exactly why
you have to do it.
And if he manages to live,
we'll show you how it's done.
Once again, the dancing girls.
He is then put into a box.
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky
and someone will try
and kill him, too.
Yes, maybe he will.
You really think
that's a good idea?
The Masked Magician is tied
into a straitjacket.
He is then put into a box.
Now it gets deadly.
Once again, the dancing girls.
Notice how they're
all dressed alike.
This is important.
Which is exactly why
you have to do it.
With screws and chains.
These are real sticks
of dynamite.
The suits they are wearing are
standard bomb squad issue
for their own protection.
Lower the box now!
The box is then sealed tight
This is important.
The Masked Magician is tied
into a straitjacket.
Now it gets deadly.
I can assure you
these are real sticks
of dynamite.
The box is then sealed tight
with screws and chains.
Standard bomb squad issue
for their own protection.
No matter what happens,
keep rolling.
How'd you get in there?
Ask him.
He almost got me killed.
You can only blame yourself.
And now they light the fuse.
The Masked Magician,
you wouldn't be in the box.
Now, this is television.
How did you know it was me?
I didn't,
but I did know
that whoever the murderer was
would probably try again
during the only trick
No matter what happens,
keep rolling.
And now they light the fuse.
You can only blame yourself.
Would probably try again
during the only trick
that really endangered
the magician's life,
and I knew that the only way
to sabotage this trick
Well, I... didn't want
to disappoint the audience.
They tuned in for a magic trick.
At least you care
about the audience.
That's a lot more than I can say
for Kent Beaudine.
Is that why you killed?
For the audience?
It's part of me,
part of my family.
My father didn't help create
this medium
so that it could turn
into a freak show.
And I knew that the only way
to sabotage this trick
would be if the assistant
who was supposed
to secretly free the magician
from the box... didn't.
If you hadn't
tried to murder me
the way you murdered
the Masked Magician,
you wouldn't be in the box.
Something my father
would have embraced.
I loved that show.
I had to do it
before they destroyed
television.
Then why did you kill
Derek Shaw?
Because he was distorting
the view of medicine?
Dr. Danger was
pure entertainment...
Something my father
would have embraced.
So that it could turn
into a freak show.
So they could, literally,
take the magic out of magic.
I had to do it
to secretly free the magician
from the box... didn't.
Well, you didn't have to put me
in the box instead.
Well, I... didn't want
to disappoint the audience.
So... how did you
get out of the box?
And how did you get her in?
For the audience?
For television...
It's part of me,
part of my family.
And how did you get her in?
Magic.
On re-showing that show
again tonight.
Our research department thinks
it will get a 45 share.
Yeah, but that's
just a one-shot deal.
Because he was distorting
the view of medicine?
No, I didn't kill him.
Dr. Danger was
pure entertainment...
Last night on the Pox Network,
Dr. Mark Sloan
captured the Masked
Magician's murderer
Yeah, but that's
just a one-shot deal.
It's not like they can turn that
into a series.
No, they can't.
MBC.
How may I help you?
And so's the script.
And I found a new series star
that embodies the
essence of Mark Sloane
But we can.
They don't know it,
but they are running a promo
Mr. Debono will see you now.
From one of
his sidekicks,
Dr. Jesse Travis.
Hong Kong tough,
but smart and sexy.
The Mark Sloane TV series.
Now all we need is a story
and somebody to star in it.
I've got a searing drama on tap
from one of
his sidekicks,
Dr. Jesse Travis.
That embodies the
essence of Mark Sloane
and exudes such sexuality,
he pollinates the flowers.
Good. I want this
in the air in two weeks.
Dr. Mark Sloan
captured the Masked
Magician's murderer
live on national television,
and they're planning
on re-showing that show
again tonight.
Let's go.
Give me the headlines.
We got a gang shooting...
Two bullets in the chest.
- He's crashed twice on the way here.
- He's crashed twice on the way here.
I don't think even you
can save him, Dr. Sloane.
That's what you think.
Out of my way.
C.B.C.
Right.
They don't know it,
but they are running a promo
for your new series.
Dr. Danger.
We've got
the Mark Sloane TV series.
"If that rabbit won't run,
get it out of the microwave."
Trauma one. Pressure's falling.
Let's go.
So how does it feel
seeing your words come to life?
There's a kid upstairs
waiting for a kidney,
and if there's
a god in this world,
we just found it for him.
Yes, Doctor.
Cut. And print.
Good. I want this
in the air in two weeks.
Can you do it?
You know what they say...
"If that rabbit won't run,
get it out of the microwave."
Right.
Chem seven.
Yes, Doctor.
Type and cross ten units
of whole blood, stat.
Right away, Doctor.
Seeing your words come to life?
Well, those weren't
exactly my words,
and, uh, I didn't exactly
write that scene.
Yeah.
The scene is over.
Shouldn't he get up?
He's a method actor.
He's into his part.
And, uh, I didn't exactly
write that scene.
Well, don't thank me
for the tweaks.
Now, the truth was there.
I just found it for you.
Ah. I didn't know
you were an actor.
Well, neither did I until today.
You know, I've always
wanted to be an actor.
Yeah.
Get his blood type.
There's a kid upstairs
waiting for a kidney,
Come on, kid, get up.
You're upstaging me here.
Let's go!
Somebody call 911! Hurry!
Come on, kid, get up.
You killed him.
He's into his part.
I think his performance
is almost too good.
What can I say?
I got a great eye for talent.
Those bullets were real.
You killed him.
I got a great eye for talent.
Let's go!
Those bullets were real.
You killed him.