Diagnosis Murder (1993–2001): Season 3, Episode 17 - FMurder - full transcript
While Mark is the cooking guest that week in her daily healthy housekeeping show, TV host Kitti Lynn Hastings uses a 26 minutes break for commercials and music to sabotage the wiring in in-your-face radio presenter Carl Burke's bathroom, so he electrocutes himself stepping out of his shower. Mark soon guesses she did it, but has a hard time figuring out how precisely and why exactly, as she had accepted to appear -as target- in his show. Meanwhile Jesse's rotation at plastic surgery makes him suggest to Norman to solve his midlife looks-depression under Jesse's scalpel, but the cutting-edge surgery he shows only gets the potential patient scared.
Sports Talk Drive...
I mean, did you see that muffin
baking broad yesterday, huh?
That type of woman
really chafes my crotch.
Yeah!
Ooh, that hurts so good!
Speaking of dogs.
Miss Kitty Lynn Hastings,
queen of Home Show Television,
is a complete phony!
I am going to have
her bow before me
and admit she's a
wild, crazy sex maniac.
Who also hates apple pie.
I mean, I'm not kidding.
I don't care how
long it takes, all right?
I'm going to break that
two-faced moronic Stepford wife
right here on my show.
Starting today, my friends.
That's right.
Yours truly, Carl Burke,
has the Miss Kitty Lynn
"High Priestess of Hygiene,
Don't Touch Me There" Hastings
coming on my program
to admit the truth.
Hey Kitty, how
about it, honey, huh?
Glad you came to your senses.
You can finally get that, uh...
truth off your
mighty little C-cups.
Who knows?
Maybe we'll kiss
and be best of friends.
I don't think so.
Don't you just love talk radio!?
♪ ♪
Me and Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Can you stand it?
About time somebody knocked
her out of those starched
cover-up-your-blue-varicose-
veins panty hose.
I'm gonna blow that frilly
apron right off her body!
Maybe we'll see what's
under all the ribbons and bows,
right, Kitty baby?
Pig!
Men!
What?
What?
What?! Why are
you looking at me!?
Making friends again?
No, I'm standing here and she...
Oh, forget it!
I'm, I'm just waiting for Mark.
Well, you're going
to have a long wait.
Why? When's he
coming in? Thursday.
Thursday?! Mm-hmm.
But if you follow me,
you'll see him on TV.
What do you mean on TV? Mm-hmm.
Hey, tell me. What
do you mean TV?
Norman, are you all right?
I'm all right.
I'm as good as any man could
be who's facing the inevitable.
I looked in the mirror
this morning and
you know what I saw?
Toothpaste on your
favorite flannel jammies.
I saw an old man.
Oh, now Norman, you're
not an old man. Oh, but I am.
I am. Time has its grip on me.
The clock ticks, and I
can't turn back the hands.
Maybe not, but you
can slow 'em down.
What do you mean?
I'll tell you what I mean.
I just started my rotation
in cosmetic surgery.
A little nip here,
a little tuck there.
We can make you
into a whole new man.
People will think you're 30.
Really? No kidding?
All right, 40, tops.
You should think about it.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I might just do that.
Come on, Jesse, or else
we're going to miss Mark
in the, in the show.
Think about it.
He's doing the Kitty
Lynn Hastings Show.
What? The Home
Show lady? Mm-hmm.
He's guest host.
And this week they're
doing the "Healthy Home."
You know, I guess Mark's
gonna give her advice
on diets, or exercise programs.
Things of that nature.
Anyway, I love the
show, tape it all the time.
So I loaned him a few of
my tapes so he could prepare.
It's Monday morning
and you're live at
home with America's
favorite family hostess,
Miss Kitty Lynn Hastings.
So don't go away!
We'll be right back.
I've never been on
live television before.
I never would have guessed.
It's just too bad I didn't
get you here an hour ago.
I could have done
something with this hair.
What's the matter with the hair?
Got your radio?
Oh, I wouldn't miss
this for the world.
Can you believe
she's doing this?
Amazing.
Our boss is going on
the radio this morning, too.
Oh? Yeah,
and get this, it's the
Carl Burke Show.
She's doing a phone-in
during one of our
musical segments.
Oh, that's nice of her.
Nice?
You ever listen to Burke's show?
No. Oh.
He is the number
one in-your-face,
sewer mouth radio guy.
And he has been
trashing Kitty Lynn forever.
Now, I mean, he lacerates her.
She despises him.
Why is she doing his show?
Well, hon', if I could
figure out Kitty Lynn,
I wouldn't be here worrying
about your hair. Five seconds,
Dr. Sloan. ANNOUNCER:
And here she is again.
Kitty Lynn! What's the
matter with the hair?
I'll fix it. KITTY: Thank you!
Thank you all so much!
Aren't you sweet?
Hi there, America.
We have a wonderful
show for you today.
Our musical guests are
going to be Sister Anna Pauline
and the St. Mary's Chapel Choir.
They'll be along
just a little bit later
with a full 25 minutes
of inspirational tunes.
But first,
you'll recall last week our
theme was "At Home With Safety."
Continuing our "At Home" series,
this week our focus is going
to be "At Home With Health."
It's my pleasure to introduce
our very special co-host,
from Community General Hospital,
please help me give a
wonderful, warm welcome
to our special new
friend, Dr. Mark Sloan.
Wait, hold it!
Okay.
Go!
I almost fell over that ottoman.
Oh, Dr. Sloan, welcome.
What is the most
important advice
that you can give to our viewers
on how to have a healthy home?
Uh... they say,
home is where the heart is...
Kitty Lynn.
So taking care of your heart
should start at home.
That's why we
brought a recipe for...
healthy home broccoli
and turn-turnip stew.
It tastes good and
it's good for you.
Well, it sounds yummy.
I can't wait to get you
in our country kitchen.
We'll be right back
with that stew
and Sister Pauline
right after these messages
from our local sponsors.
And we're clear.
Well, you were wonderful!
Oh, thanks.
This is going to
be wonderful week!
Thank you. Wonderful!
Oh.
Who's got a cat in here!?
Oh, I was playing with
Sparks this morning.
He must have gotten
hair on my sweater.
I'm sorry. Just
stay away from me.
Camera's off, hon'.
You can stop smiling now. Oh.
They don't make that
printing very big, do they?
Bye-bye all you Pat Boone
kissing little right wing Nazis!
Okay, I'm gonna take a break
now and we'll be right back.
This is Burke.
Well, you know
damn well who this is.
Hey, sweet cheeks!
You're calling a
little early, aren't you?
I'm calling to tell you
that I'm not going to do it.
Oh, yes you are, Kitty.
I don't lie to my audience.
You're coming on and
you're kissing my butt
anytime I ask you to.
You're a real foul-mouthed
jerk, you know that?
Come on, Kitty Cat, lighten up.
Look, I am not going
to risk my reputation
and everything that I
have worked so hard for.
So you get back on the air
and tell all those little perverts
that listen to you,
I'm not going to do it.
Yes, you are, Kitty.
And you know why
you're doing it.
You're pushing too hard, Carl.
Oh, you love it
when I push hard!
Say you call me back
in about ten minutes,
all right, huh?
You know the number.
You are sick and twisted.
All right.
I'll do your hideous show, Carl.
But once...
and once only, and on my terms.
Oh, I can't guarantee that.
Really?
Well, I can.
Kitty Lynn, do not
play games with me.
I will call you today
just like I agreed to.
That's my little pumpkin.
And you'd better take
your best shot, Carl,
because I guarantee
you, it'll be your last.
So we have steamed our broccoli.
We have made our
stock out of chicken broth
and lemon and garlic
and all of these yummy
herbs and spices.
And now to the turnips.
Now, ours are
pre-cooked, of course,
but to show you how
they should be sliced,
I'm going to turn
it over to Dr. Sloan
because after all, you
are the famous surgeon.
Well, you know, see, Kitty,
most of us know about
broccoli, you know.
It's vitamin A, iron, calcium.
But the lo-lonely
turnip... Whoops!
Oh, dear.
The, uh...
turnip is often overlooked.
It's a wonderful source
of carbohydrates.
Also it contains
thiamin, riboflavin.
Mmm. Oh!
Oh, boy! Oh,
gosh, well, I...
hope our malpractice
insurance is paid up.
It's just a, just
a little scratch.
You know, knives can be Psst.
The most dangerous
things in the, uh... Here.
In the kitchen. Yes,
well, Dr. Sloan, here.
I think the trick is just to
trim off one of the ends
and lay it down flat like this.
And then you can
just slice away Mmm.
Without injuring
yourself at all. Yeah.
Now these go into the pot.
Everything needs to simmer
for at least an hour
over low heat. Mm-hmm.
Add your broccoli
and then all that's
left to do is enjoy.
Dr. Sloan and I
will be back with you
in the next half hour.
Maybe we should
just do kitchen first aid?
Oh, just kidding.
Right now I hear piano
and that means that it's
our pleasure to bring on
Sister Anna
Pauline and the choir
for some of the best
gosh darn, toe tapping,
heart-soaring music
you've ever heard.
Right after these messages.
Sorry MAN: And we're clear.
About that. Oh, don't be silly.
You were wonderful!
Yeah, I'm, uh... I will see you
in 26 minutes. Okay.
Rosie, absolutely no
interruptions, okay?
Because I... well, you know.
I have something to do.
Got it. Uh...
can I ask?
Why are you doing
this butthead's show?
I want to prove to everyone
that you can still have dignity
even in the face
of all that vulgarity.
Whatever.
Well, it's almost
show time, gang.
Let's wait for that telephone
call from Miss Kitty,
that big old bag full of...
of carpet dust that she is.
You're gonna have to put
up with me for just a second
and some of this crappy
music while we wait for her call.
Will ya? Go with it.
Hello?
Yes, it's me.
Well, I'll be tongue-tied.
He did it.
All right, gang,
we're back with the event
you have been waiting for.
Yes, my friends.
Boy meets girl.
North meets south.
Let's get ready to rumble...!
Kitty Lynn, Kitty
Lynn, Kitty Lynn.
Hello, Carl, how are you?
I'm fine, darling.
In fact, in case
you haven't heard,
I am the "go to Hell"
king of the airwaves,
and I must have
blown some real hot air
up that musty skirt of yours.
Welcome to fame, baby.
Well, I'm happy to be here.
Well, of course, you are.
What's it been?
Ten... 15 years since a
real man was with you, huh?
Or maybe you're not
into men anymore.
Maybe that's your deep,
dark secret, huh, Kitty Poo?
Maybe you're into slumber
parties with your gal pals.
Is that it?
Oh, Carl, come on now.
Everything we talk about
doesn't have to be smutty, does it?
Well, absolutely not.
What kind of underwear
are you wearing?
You know, I don't think that's
a very appropriate question.
All right, okay,
let's get to it, Kitty.
Why are you... such
an uptight bitch?
I'm not sure I understand
the question, Carl.
Oh, come on, Kitty.
Have you ever popped a zit
or passed some
gentle southern wind?
Carl, I am a normal woman
who just happens to host
a nationally syndicated
morning show weekdays from
9:00 to 11:00 on KCDM Los Angeles.
Geez, was that a plug or what?
Speaking of plugs,
I saw your exercise
infomercial the other day.
Hoo-hoo-hoo, nice jiggle.
You know, I believe
that staying fit
is so important for everyone.
So how do you keep
your tight little body
in shape all the time, huh?
Well, Carl, why don't
you buy one of my videos
and then you can
see for yourself?
Oh, baby, I'm
dreaming of those knees.
I-I'm just looking forward
watching you down there
teaching everybody how to...
scrub floors if you
know what I mean.
Honestly, Carl, do you
only think about one thing?
You got it, honey,
One-Note Burke.
Carl,
I thought you wanted
to talk about our show.
No.
I wanted to talk
about your thighs!
We can always talk
about me, of course.
Is there anything to talk about?
You come on down here right now.
I'll blow the phony
peroxide highlights
right out of your
hair, all right?
Before we're done,
you'll be down on your
knees kissing my bare toes
in Macy's front window.
You got that, Kitty Lynn?
Hello?
Hello! Hello!
I'm here.
Okay.
All right.
You're damn right
you're here, honey.
You're here because I have not
dismissed you yet.
Carl, I am sure, just as
most of your listeners are,
that at heart you are a
sweet, lovable, normal guy
and this is all just an act
to get attention.
Isn't that right, Carl?
Listen, you garden rake.
You get your powdered
lilac-dripping heinie down here
and I'll show you
what's lovable about me.
Well, I would love to, Carl,
but I do have a show to do
and I believe I've
done my time with you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I have not dismissed
you yet, slave girl.
You know what?
You're really starting
to bore me, Kitty.
Well, I'm so sorry, Carl,
but listen, now, I
really do have to go.
You know what?
So do I.
Wait a second, my little cherub.
This has been a gas, but
you got to do one thing for me.
Just say one dirty word, okay?
Well, I would never do that.
Come on, say
"puke," say "boogers."
Just do something!
Carl, you know what?
I really do have to run now,
but it has been so
fun talking to you.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Get out of here.
We're going to be
back in a minute,
my friends, with an exposé
on the presidential candidate
who's a cross-dresser
so he can get both the
male and female vote.
You were wonderful.
So did you listen, too?
Yes, I did.
That was remarkable.
You were very, very calm.
Oh, was I?
Oh, I feel like I need a shower.
You coming down with something?
Just allergies.
Oh.
Uh, Dr. Sloan.
Yes. We're moving this way.
Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy's got some
num-num for you.
Come on, honey, look here.
Come on.
Mmm...
Come on, you stupid cat!
♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪
♪ The bombs bursting ♪
♪ In air ♪
♪ Gave proof ♪
♪ Through the night ♪
♪ That our flag ♪
♪ Was still there ♪
♪ Oh, say does that ♪
♪ Star-spangled banner ♪
♪ Yet wave... ♪
♪ Oh, say does that ♪
♪ Star-spangled banner ♪
♪ Yet wave ♪
♪ O'er the land ♪
♪ Of the free... ♪
And as you know, Kitty Lynn,
the nutritional value of every
onion is virtually the same
whether they are
Bermuda onions, the whites,
the common browns,
or even those erotic...
e-exotic sweets from Maui.
That's right, Mark,
and we'll be right back
with some more
helpful nutritional hints
right after this.
Thank you very much, Kitty.
Yeah... I needed
a little rehearsal.
I saw the show yesterday.
I needed it.
Looks like you're doing
all right here. I don't know.
At home I'm a Benihana chef,
but down there I'm looking at
those cue cards and the camera
and I can't do anything.
Yeah, might lose
part of a knuckle.
You want some breakfast?
No, no, I got to run.
What's up?
You ever listen to
that guy Carl Burke?
No, but I sure have been
hearing his name a lot lately.
Well, you're going
to hear it some more.
He turned up dead this morning.
What happened?
Apparently, the poor guy
died of a household accident.
Electrocuted himself.
Ooh, that's terrible.
You know, he was a f... an
enemy of a friend of mine.
Oh, that's right.
Kitty Lynn was one of
his favorite bull's-eyes,
wasn't she? Mm-hmm.
Why are you checking it out
if it's just an accident?
Oh, it's just routine, uh...
apparently there was
a few weird things.
Looks like someone
tried to break in
earlier.
Sounds interesting.
You mind if I go along?
Yeah, fine. Yeah, I can
stop off at the studio later.
Just a minute.
What is that all about?
Lemon juice cuts
the onion smell.
Another household
hint from Kitty Lynn.
That's right, Mark, and
that's about it for today,
so join us for tomorrow's show
when our topic will be
"Your Friend the Lima Bean."
Thanks.
Hey, Russ.
Hi, Steve, how are you doing?
Uh, Russ Marsh, this is
my dad Dr. Mark Sloan.
Russ. Pleasure to meet you, Doc.
What do you got, Russ?
Why don't you come
around here and take a look?
Now, we're treating this
as an accidental death,
but you really
ought to take a look
just in case.
Actual time of the break-in
was 9:36 yesterday morning.
That's when the door
was compromised
and the alarm was set off.
Oh, look at that.
Not broken, cut through
clean as a whistle.
Yeah, so?
Well, I don't know, I
always have a picture
of guys with tire irons
breaking windows in.
A lot quieter with
a glass cutter.
Yeah, that's true.
Anyway, Burke was notified
of the break-in attempt.
It didn't seem to bother
him too much at the time,
but the guy left a great
set of impressions.
Footprint's right here.
Did you get a plaster cast?
Yeah, it's already done.
The perpetrator
goes about 175, 180s,
wearing a size 11,
size 11 1/2 boot.
Boy, sure a neat
way to get in, all right.
Well, actually, we're
not sure that he did.
Response time was
pretty good on this.
We're looking at, uh,
four and a half minutes.
The guy may have just
stepped in and split right away
when he saw this alarm
light blinking over here.
Yeah, he may have
had an electrical problem.
I'll be darned.
There's a penny in there
where the fuse ought to be.
From the looks of the place,
Burke wasn't much
of a homemaker.
There's a penny
in every one of 'em.
Huh.
What makes you think
the burglar never got in?
Well, nothing's missing.
The drawers are all closed,
the closets are closed,
and there's a lot
of stuff to steal.
The guy had seven television
sets if you can believe that.
Oh... let's take a look around.
Yeah.
With all his money,
you would have thought he'd
been able to afford a maid.
What is that
smell? I don't know.
Uh-oh.
I think this little
fellow right here
is the source of the odor.
Uh-huh, litter box.
Yeah. Ugh.
Not too well kept either.
Steve, I'm going to
pull up stakes if you...
No, thanks, Russ.
You got a problem
with cats, Russ?
Oh, yeah, and once you get it,
it never goes away.
I got to get out of
here. I'll see you guys.
I guess we're going to
have to find a new home
for this little guy, huh?
It may not be too easy.
You know, a lot of
people are allergic to cats.
And we're back with Kitty Lynn
and her guest Dr. Mark Sloan.
So, you're saying
that there is a right way
and a wrong way to
arrange your medicine chest?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, the problem is, Kitty,
that most people don't
even think about it.
Well, I know I
certainly never have.
Well, we all should,
because the bathroom
can be potentially
the most dangerous
room in the house.
You know, I also
do consulting work
for the, uh, police department.
You know, I have heard that.
This is a man of many talents.
Yeah. I work mostly, of course,
for the, uh,
homicide, uh, squad.
Uh, as a matter of fact, I was
with the police this morning.
Some poor man died
in his own bathroom. No!
Yes. It seems the poor
fellow, uh, grabbed his dryer
while he was still
wet from the shower.
Well, that is awful! Mm-hmm.
The police seem to think
there was faulty wiring
in the dryer itself. My word!
Well, I guess your bathroom
really can be hazardous.
So, I see we're putting
all the non-toxic items
on the lower shelf.
You know, the worst thing about
that case was that the man had
just pennies in
all of his fuses.
No proper fuses at all.
Now, that's very dangerous.
Well, I should say.
Never put pennies
in your fuse box.
But that's another
show, Dr. Sloan.
So, we're putting
all of the potentially
dangerous items way up high.
Right, and, uh, dangerous
prescription drugs like this
should be kept out of
the reach of small children.
Oh, dear! Oh, I'm sorry.
I was around a cat this morning.
I'll bet I've got dander
all over my clothes.
You're allergic, aren't you?
Yes, I-I certainly am.
Ooh!
Maybe we should
just take a little break,
and we'll be right back
after these messages.
And we're clear!
Oh, dear!
Oh! Oh!
You know, this is
going pretty well,
I think, don't you?
Oh, you know what, Dr. Sloan?
I don't really think my
viewers care to hear
about some fellow who
died in his bathroom.
Really? You know, I
think it's very interesting.
You know who I'm
talking about, don't you?
I have no idea.
That, uh, DJ you were
talking to yesterday.
Carl Burke is dead? Mmm.
Oh, my word, that's awful!
Yes, it really is terrible.
Here, I'll get you a Kleenex.
Ooh.
I'm going to show you why
you don't need to pay a fortune
to a glazier just to replace
your broken window.
Hey, Dad. Hi.
You will need a glass cutter.
What are you watching?
You're also going to need...
Some old tapes of
The Kitty Lynn Show.
Mm-hmm. Watch this.
In just a few simple steps,
I'm going to show you why
you don't need to pay a fortune
to a glazier just to replace
your broken window.
You will need a glass cutter.
You're also going to need
a putty knife, some spackle
and a lot of patience.
Well, you should have
left that on. I could have
brushed up on my glass cutting.
How's your electrical?
Today I am going to attempt
to take a little bit
of the mystery out
of home wiring...
Dad, what are you getting at?
One more.
This is very simple...
Now, what we're doing here
is strapping on
what would amount
to roughly one third
of Sally's body weight.
So now, everybody
in America gets to see
what you look
like at 170 pounds.
Dad, you're not thinking
what I think you're thinking?
Diving suit? 170 pounds?
A size 11 shoe? Yes.
She slips on a
pair of man's boots.
And then she cuts
out the window?
Exactly, just like
she did right there.
And then rewires the hairdryer?
Dad, I don't know.
Well... why not?
Why, is more like it.
I mean, you think
she killed a man
just because he taunted
her on his stupid radio show?
Oh, no, no.
I mean, there was
some other reason for it,
but that's what
we have to find out.
But she killed him.
Dad, think about
what you're saying.
I have been.
Kitty Lynn Hastings
is a God-fearing,
beauty pageant-winning,
moral barometer for
millions of TV viewers.
Nobody talks like that.
I know. Well, I
read it in the paper.
Oh.
Did the paper say
she's a murderer?
Because that's
what I think she is.
Why? Because she's
handy around the house?
No, I'm not saying I've got
admissible evidence you can
nail it down with.
I can't even think
of a solid motive.
As a matter of fact,
I can't figure out
how she was on the air
in the studio with Burke,
and at Burke's house
at the same time.
So, you're, uh,
working on a hunch?
Yeah, you could say that, yeah.
Well, the coroner's going to
rule Burke's death accidental.
I guess I could, uh, slow
him down a little on it.
No, no, I don't
want to hold him up.
Oh, no, no, no, no... any hunch
of yours is good enough for me.
Yeah, but it's
still just a hunch.
Mm. Well, if you do
come up with anything,
you know where to find me.
Okay. Thanks.
Boy, I hate it when
I just have a hunch.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Bambi is beautiful.
That is disgusting.
No, no, no, no.
See the incision
around the scalp line?
That makes it easy
for him to trim the flesh
and draw it back over the skull.
I-I think I'd rather wear a hat.
Oh, this is so great.
He's making an incision in
the soft tissue under the eye
which makes it like
peeling the skin off a turkey.
You know, I used
to like Thanksgiving.
Mark, hello. Hey.
Hello. How's it going?
I thought you were doing
The Kitty Lynn Hastings
show this morning.
I am in about an hour.
Oh, my God! That was
supposed to happen!
I...
Jesse, what does the
rest of your day look like?
Well, Dr. Goosbaum is
going to crack a cheekbone
and, uh, reshape it
later this afternoon.
I thought Norman
might like to see that.
This afternoon? Uh-huh.
Darn. Darn, darn, darn, darn.
I've got a budget meeting
this afternoon. Darn. I...
It's now. The meeting's now.
I must be late. Darn.
The guy wants to
see the possibilities
of modern cosmetic
surgery, and he loses it.
Go figure.
So what's up?
Did you ever listen to
The Carl Burke Show?
Well, who hasn't?
Did you know
about that, uh, thing
he had going with
Kitty Lynn Hastings?
Yeah. I mean, he tore her
apart every chance he got.
Yeah. Do you have any idea
at all why she agreed to do it?
Who knows? Maybe she
was a glutton for punishment.
Yeah. Or try this.
Maybe Burke had
something on her.
You mean blackmail?
Mm.
And that's what I'd
like for you to find out.
How am I going to do that?
On the FM dial.
You mean he didn't
really hate Kitty Lynn?
Burkie had a five hour gig,
five days a week.
Half the American populace
can't come up with five minutes
of interesting
dinner conversation.
He did this day in and day out.
Now, going off on
Kitty Lynn was a bit.
He used it as a way to fill
a couple hours every week.
Right. So why do you think that
she would agree to do his show?
Because she's an idiot?
Well... I don't know.
I don't have a clue.
All I know is, Burkie came
in one day and announced
that he got her to
commit to an open slate.
What's open slate?
You know. An open slate.
You can talk about anything.
And with Burke, that usually
started at your cup size,
and it was all
downhill after that.
Icky dicky bicky poo?
Now, that's not a very
nice thing to say, Alice.
But, well, then
again, neither is,
"The toilet's all stuffed up,
and I got to go real bad!"
I got to find myself
a new line of work.
Yeah.
Well, these past few days
have just flown by, Mark!
I can't believe
that tomorrow is going to
be our last day together.
And they've been
very interesting, Kitty.
I think today is going to
be even more interesting.
I think so, too.
Okay. let's get some hair
and makeup people on the set.
Grab me those
changes for the Prompter.
I need 'em now.
Go! Go! Watch your backs...
Very nice. Very nice.
Thank you, but do you think
that should be an E
flat or a C right there?
Uh... yeah. E flat.
Yeah. So it's an
A flat cord, huh?
I don't think so. Oh. Well...
You're new here, huh?
What's your name?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come
on out at the Gee tonight
and I'll play something
special for you?
I... you know,
you... really, yes.
Then we can get together,
and after that, we can, uh...
Yes, I was wondering if you knew
where Miss Hasting's
dressing room would be?
You know, which...? Yeah.
Down the hall on
the left. Thank you.
No problem.
E flat, huh?
Do you like surprises, Mark?
I think so.
Good, because I think
we have a couple of
wonderful surprises
in store for today,
along with more tips
on how you can keep healthy
and living longer with my
special co-host this week,
Dr. Mark Sloan.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
And clear.
Okay, you have five minutes.
Let's go!
Where are you going?
I beg your pardon?
You're not going to leave
me out here alone, are you?
I will be right back.
Jimmy, I'll be in
my dressing room.
Oh, boy.
Uh... Kitty?
Kitty, could I speak
to you a moment?
We have less than five minutes.
What is it? It's this.
Do you think this is too much?
It's fine.
Oh!
Listen, would you mind
giving me a little warning
before you do that?
Talk to my union, honey.
Phew!
I got to check the guests...
Oh!
Oh, that was so close. Oh!
How'd you get out of there?
She's got a back
door and a cell phone.
Oh, so opportunity for
her to get out of there
and rig Burke's hairdryer.
While still being interviewed
on the radio. Good.
Oh! Now we have means,
we have opportunity.
Now Jesse's got to
come up with the motive.
Excuse me? Yeah.
I'm, uh... I'm sorry, but I
don't believe we've met.
I'm Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Amanda Livingston.
I work here. What do you do?
Amanda works with me.
She's a big fan. Just
wanted to drop by.
It is so nice to meet you.
I understand you were
in my dressing room?
Was I? Oh.
I don't know if you've
realized this, Miss Livingston,
but the people who
work for me are my family.
We've been together a long time.
They protect me.
They talk to me.
They tell me when someone
is slinking around backstage.
Oh, I wasn't slinking.
Okay. We're back
with the flower segment,
then go right to
introducing Ben Vereen.
Is Ben Vereen on the show?
I always wanted
to meet him. Okay.
Jimmy, would you
hold this for me?
Sure. Okay.
One minute, everyone.
What? O-Okay.
Oh.
Well, I guess I better get
out of the way, too. Yeah.
Is that Ben? Don't bother him.
But it is him?
Yeah, yeah, it's him.
Stand right there. There you go.
I think you owe me
an explanation, Mark.
What was she doing
in my dressing room?
Oh, Kitty, I asked Amanda to do
some snooping around in there.
20 seconds.
For what?
Well, to come up
with a... a motive.
A mo... a motive for what?
Murder?
Stand by. Ten seconds.
You think that somebody
in my family
murdered Carl Burke?
In five.
No. I think you did. Oh.
Four, three, two...
Hi there and welcome back
to At Home With Kitty Lynn
and my co-host, Dr. Mark Sloan.
And flowers can be a
very healthy addition
to your home, yes?
Flowers? Yes, they can, Kitty.
As long as they're
not on your grave.
Oh.
You actually accused her?
Well, she didn't
give me much choice.
This is a shrewd woman, Mark.
You might be setting
yourself up for a slander suit.
Well, you can't be sued
if you're telling the truth.
And she did it. I'm sorry.
You don't go out
and kill someone
because they make
fun of you on the radio.
That's exactly what Steve said.
Well, if it was blackmail
then nobody else
at the radio station
knows what he had on her.
Well, it's got to be here. What?
Well, the other reason.
Their lives must have crossed
paths sometime in the past.
And they got involved
with something
or they did something
they shouldn't have.
I don't know. I doubt it.
They're complete
opposites. Yeah.
Kitty grew up with money,
upper class suburb.
She even graduated
from Wellesley with honors.
I doubt very much
that she even knew
that Burke existed until
she moved out here.
You sure about that?
Pretty much. Burke grew up poor,
struggled through college.
Went from job to job
until he finally
landed here in L.A.
Kitty's Westside
social elite.
Definitely not Burke's world.
Hmm.
Can I have a look?
You say Kitty graduated
from Wellesley?
Yeah, With honors.
And Burke?
Colorado Central University.
Well, then I wonder
why she never mentioned
little Colorado
Central University?
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, Dr. Sloan,
you and I are going to have
such a wonderful dinner together.
Why are we doing
another cooking segment?
She insisted.
Bumped the dog trainer for this.
So, then you really do think
that the free range
chicken is better
than the, uh, average
farm grown variety?
Oh, absolutely... uh... Kitty.
The, uh... it's less fat
and also there's a lot
less chance of salmonella.
Ooh, well, that's
good for us to know.
You know, it's,
uh, was in Colorado
they developed
the first free ranger.
Really? Colorado?
Uh-huh, right near
where you went to college.
I'm Wellesley, darling.
Oh,
didn't you go to
Colorado Central
for a little while?
That's funny.
I thought I read that somewhere.
I can't imagine where.
Oh, it was on your coffee cup.
So while our
chicken is browning,
let's move on to our sauce.
Mm-mm.
Orange ginger? Yes.
Why don't you
taste that, Dr. Sloan?
Uh... you're the cook.
You're the cook. That I am.
And I would say just
a little bit more salt.
Well, ah, if you
can do without it.
Salt's not our friend.
Hey, Norman!
I got to cancel that
liposuction observation
with Dr. Goosbaum this morning.
Oh, that's no problem.
I've decided against
cosmetic surgery.
You're kidding!
When the gene pool came together
to create this
hairline, this body,
this Briggs, my
destiny was sealed.
Oh, it's too bad.
Yeah, well, I'm not going
to change that destiny.
I'm going to enjoy it.
I'm going to embrace it.
I'll tell you, Norman, I
was really looking forward
to reshaping you, you know?
Carving you into a new man.
Well, wait until Halloween
and carve a pumpkin.
How about a little tummy tuck?
No.
What do you say I lop
off one of those chins?
I like my chins.
My chin. I like my chin.
You're a wisenheimer!
But Norman... I... enough!
Come on. Jesse,
where's Mark!? I don't know.
I guess he's still
down at the studio.
Why? What's up?
His hunch was right.
Kitty was at CCU.
But their records show
that she dropped out five
months after being there.
And if she didn't
do Carl's show,
he was going to expose
her for the college
dropout she was.
Could you get serious
for one minute, please?
All right. What
else do you have?
I have a forwarding
address when she left CCU.
Here you go.
Kickapoo's Car Wash?
3602 Van Nuys.
She moved to a car wash.
It wasn't a car wash in 1974.
Well, what was it?
You're kidding? Mm-hmm.
That's it. That's
what he had on her.
And possibly a
motive for murder.
Isn't that beautiful?
Oh... gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Well, Oh.
Dr. Mark Sloan,
it has been a most
wonderful week.
Yes, it has, Kitty.
I would like to thank
you for your health tips,
for your wonderful
sense of humor
and most of all for
making my home,
your home.
Dig in.
And to all of you out
there, bon appétit.
Stay healthy
and along the way
you might just find time
to enjoy yourself.
Isn't that delicious?
Mmm. Mmm.
Bye-bye everyone.
Mmm.
So, what was with
the Colorado bit?
You were there the
same time Carl Burke was.
You both worked
at the campus radio
station together.
Did we?
Kitty, how long do you
think you can hide your past?
You know, Dr. Sloan,
this has been a
very interesting week.
Thank you again.
Dr. Sloan, there's a
phone call for you. Oh,
thank you. Right,
right out this way.
Dr. Sloan.
Mark, it's me.
Hi. What'd you find out?
You were right.
Kitty was at CCU
when Burke was there.
But get this.
She ended up out
here five months later
You're kidding? at a
hostel for unwed mothers.
Well, it's motive.
Let's face it.
If Burke knew that Kitty
had an illegitimate child,
he could have used it against
her like an automatic weapon.
Listen, I think you'd
better call Steve
and get him down here.
What are you going to do, Mark?
I think I'll hang around here
and snoop around
a little bit more.
Well, be careful. Right.
I will.
And... Amanda, good work!
Thanks.
See you later. Bye.
Excuse me?
Are you going to eat that? No.
Want me to wrap it?
Yeah, that'd be nice, thank you.
And put a little more of
that orange sauce on it.
I have the key if you need it.
Oh.
I was just, uh...
Snooping around a little more?
Yeah, I was.
Maybe I can save you
a little time, Dr. Sloan.
A little time?
Well, I know
you're going to figure out
my sordid past sooner or later.
I will.
You're a very bright man, Mark.
Well, I try to stay
fit and eat right.
Do you?
What'd you do, Kitty?
I didn't do anything.
I think you did.
The chicken.
You prepared it perfectly.
But you ate it, too!
Not the same chicken.
You see, you ate
a hazel hen, Mark.
Looks and tastes exactly
the same as chicken,
but they just love to
munch on Mountain Laurel.
That's why you have to stay
away from them in the spring time.
It doesn't seem to
bother them at all.
But, uh, it makes
their flesh, well...
deadly.
Don't do this, Kitty.
I think we better get
you to the hospital.
I don't think we have
any time to waste.
You should be slipping
into a coma in a little while.
I understand that death
comes rather quickly.
Kitty, other people
know about the baby.
I understand that the
symptoms resemble a mild stroke.
This isn't going to end with me.
No, I'll probably have to go
into full PR mode.
Write a tear
jerking tell-all book.
But nobody has to
know the whole truth.
The real reason
I had to kill Carl.
The real reason?
Dear, you know, I think
I just missed the turn
to the hospital.
Where's Kitty Lynn?
Uh... I haven't seen her.
Oh, I saw her drive out of
here about five minutes ago
with the doctor.
Get a chopper up.
What kind of car is she driving?
Uh... a-a burgundy Explorer.
All right, get on it.
I'll radio with the
license number.
It's Sloan here.
I need you to run a plate for
me on a burgundy Explorer.
It's registered to a
Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Don't you just hate traffic?
Especially when
you're not feeling well.
What is the real reason, Kitty?
Why did you do all this?
Killing Carl was the
highlight of my life,
Dr. Sloan. You see,
you're missing one really
important piece here.
He is the foul-mouthed bastard
that got me pregnant
in the first place.
He's the one that's put
me through all of this.
He's the one that made me dirty.
What are you doing?
Stop it!
Let go!
Stop it!!
You're gonna kill both of us!!
Are you all right, Dad?
Poison.
All right, get on it.
Let's get him to the hospital.
We finally tracked down
a lady that ran the
unwed mother's home.
She, uh, recognized Kitty Lynn
from the photo you
found at Carl's house.
Hmm, but not Kitty Lynn
the happy homemaker?
Well, back then she was
just another unwed mother...
who didn't even flinch
when she signed her
baby over for adoption.
It's so funny.
What is?
That sweet lovable Kitty Lynn
was actually a horrible person.
And Carl Burke, that vile bore
was at one time a decent man.
Exactly what they said
about each other
on the air that day.
The woman I spoke
to said he made several
visits to Kitty and pleaded
with her to marry him.
He wanted her
to keep the baby.
But she turned him down flat.
Eventually wouldn't
talk to him at all.
All ended up in that twisted
love/hate relationship...
and a murder!
Okay.
Test came back.
Blood count is normal.
You can eat now. Yeah!
I am, believe it or
not, a little hungry.
What do you got?
Nature's penicillin.
Went all the way to
Crazy Murray's Deli for this.
Chicken soup.
Chock full of chunks.
Chicken?
I think I'll pass, Norman.
I mean, did you see that muffin
baking broad yesterday, huh?
That type of woman
really chafes my crotch.
Yeah!
Ooh, that hurts so good!
Speaking of dogs.
Miss Kitty Lynn Hastings,
queen of Home Show Television,
is a complete phony!
I am going to have
her bow before me
and admit she's a
wild, crazy sex maniac.
Who also hates apple pie.
I mean, I'm not kidding.
I don't care how
long it takes, all right?
I'm going to break that
two-faced moronic Stepford wife
right here on my show.
Starting today, my friends.
That's right.
Yours truly, Carl Burke,
has the Miss Kitty Lynn
"High Priestess of Hygiene,
Don't Touch Me There" Hastings
coming on my program
to admit the truth.
Hey Kitty, how
about it, honey, huh?
Glad you came to your senses.
You can finally get that, uh...
truth off your
mighty little C-cups.
Who knows?
Maybe we'll kiss
and be best of friends.
I don't think so.
Don't you just love talk radio!?
♪ ♪
Me and Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Can you stand it?
About time somebody knocked
her out of those starched
cover-up-your-blue-varicose-
veins panty hose.
I'm gonna blow that frilly
apron right off her body!
Maybe we'll see what's
under all the ribbons and bows,
right, Kitty baby?
Pig!
Men!
What?
What?
What?! Why are
you looking at me!?
Making friends again?
No, I'm standing here and she...
Oh, forget it!
I'm, I'm just waiting for Mark.
Well, you're going
to have a long wait.
Why? When's he
coming in? Thursday.
Thursday?! Mm-hmm.
But if you follow me,
you'll see him on TV.
What do you mean on TV? Mm-hmm.
Hey, tell me. What
do you mean TV?
Norman, are you all right?
I'm all right.
I'm as good as any man could
be who's facing the inevitable.
I looked in the mirror
this morning and
you know what I saw?
Toothpaste on your
favorite flannel jammies.
I saw an old man.
Oh, now Norman, you're
not an old man. Oh, but I am.
I am. Time has its grip on me.
The clock ticks, and I
can't turn back the hands.
Maybe not, but you
can slow 'em down.
What do you mean?
I'll tell you what I mean.
I just started my rotation
in cosmetic surgery.
A little nip here,
a little tuck there.
We can make you
into a whole new man.
People will think you're 30.
Really? No kidding?
All right, 40, tops.
You should think about it.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I might just do that.
Come on, Jesse, or else
we're going to miss Mark
in the, in the show.
Think about it.
He's doing the Kitty
Lynn Hastings Show.
What? The Home
Show lady? Mm-hmm.
He's guest host.
And this week they're
doing the "Healthy Home."
You know, I guess Mark's
gonna give her advice
on diets, or exercise programs.
Things of that nature.
Anyway, I love the
show, tape it all the time.
So I loaned him a few of
my tapes so he could prepare.
It's Monday morning
and you're live at
home with America's
favorite family hostess,
Miss Kitty Lynn Hastings.
So don't go away!
We'll be right back.
I've never been on
live television before.
I never would have guessed.
It's just too bad I didn't
get you here an hour ago.
I could have done
something with this hair.
What's the matter with the hair?
Got your radio?
Oh, I wouldn't miss
this for the world.
Can you believe
she's doing this?
Amazing.
Our boss is going on
the radio this morning, too.
Oh? Yeah,
and get this, it's the
Carl Burke Show.
She's doing a phone-in
during one of our
musical segments.
Oh, that's nice of her.
Nice?
You ever listen to Burke's show?
No. Oh.
He is the number
one in-your-face,
sewer mouth radio guy.
And he has been
trashing Kitty Lynn forever.
Now, I mean, he lacerates her.
She despises him.
Why is she doing his show?
Well, hon', if I could
figure out Kitty Lynn,
I wouldn't be here worrying
about your hair. Five seconds,
Dr. Sloan. ANNOUNCER:
And here she is again.
Kitty Lynn! What's the
matter with the hair?
I'll fix it. KITTY: Thank you!
Thank you all so much!
Aren't you sweet?
Hi there, America.
We have a wonderful
show for you today.
Our musical guests are
going to be Sister Anna Pauline
and the St. Mary's Chapel Choir.
They'll be along
just a little bit later
with a full 25 minutes
of inspirational tunes.
But first,
you'll recall last week our
theme was "At Home With Safety."
Continuing our "At Home" series,
this week our focus is going
to be "At Home With Health."
It's my pleasure to introduce
our very special co-host,
from Community General Hospital,
please help me give a
wonderful, warm welcome
to our special new
friend, Dr. Mark Sloan.
Wait, hold it!
Okay.
Go!
I almost fell over that ottoman.
Oh, Dr. Sloan, welcome.
What is the most
important advice
that you can give to our viewers
on how to have a healthy home?
Uh... they say,
home is where the heart is...
Kitty Lynn.
So taking care of your heart
should start at home.
That's why we
brought a recipe for...
healthy home broccoli
and turn-turnip stew.
It tastes good and
it's good for you.
Well, it sounds yummy.
I can't wait to get you
in our country kitchen.
We'll be right back
with that stew
and Sister Pauline
right after these messages
from our local sponsors.
And we're clear.
Well, you were wonderful!
Oh, thanks.
This is going to
be wonderful week!
Thank you. Wonderful!
Oh.
Who's got a cat in here!?
Oh, I was playing with
Sparks this morning.
He must have gotten
hair on my sweater.
I'm sorry. Just
stay away from me.
Camera's off, hon'.
You can stop smiling now. Oh.
They don't make that
printing very big, do they?
Bye-bye all you Pat Boone
kissing little right wing Nazis!
Okay, I'm gonna take a break
now and we'll be right back.
This is Burke.
Well, you know
damn well who this is.
Hey, sweet cheeks!
You're calling a
little early, aren't you?
I'm calling to tell you
that I'm not going to do it.
Oh, yes you are, Kitty.
I don't lie to my audience.
You're coming on and
you're kissing my butt
anytime I ask you to.
You're a real foul-mouthed
jerk, you know that?
Come on, Kitty Cat, lighten up.
Look, I am not going
to risk my reputation
and everything that I
have worked so hard for.
So you get back on the air
and tell all those little perverts
that listen to you,
I'm not going to do it.
Yes, you are, Kitty.
And you know why
you're doing it.
You're pushing too hard, Carl.
Oh, you love it
when I push hard!
Say you call me back
in about ten minutes,
all right, huh?
You know the number.
You are sick and twisted.
All right.
I'll do your hideous show, Carl.
But once...
and once only, and on my terms.
Oh, I can't guarantee that.
Really?
Well, I can.
Kitty Lynn, do not
play games with me.
I will call you today
just like I agreed to.
That's my little pumpkin.
And you'd better take
your best shot, Carl,
because I guarantee
you, it'll be your last.
So we have steamed our broccoli.
We have made our
stock out of chicken broth
and lemon and garlic
and all of these yummy
herbs and spices.
And now to the turnips.
Now, ours are
pre-cooked, of course,
but to show you how
they should be sliced,
I'm going to turn
it over to Dr. Sloan
because after all, you
are the famous surgeon.
Well, you know, see, Kitty,
most of us know about
broccoli, you know.
It's vitamin A, iron, calcium.
But the lo-lonely
turnip... Whoops!
Oh, dear.
The, uh...
turnip is often overlooked.
It's a wonderful source
of carbohydrates.
Also it contains
thiamin, riboflavin.
Mmm. Oh!
Oh, boy! Oh,
gosh, well, I...
hope our malpractice
insurance is paid up.
It's just a, just
a little scratch.
You know, knives can be Psst.
The most dangerous
things in the, uh... Here.
In the kitchen. Yes,
well, Dr. Sloan, here.
I think the trick is just to
trim off one of the ends
and lay it down flat like this.
And then you can
just slice away Mmm.
Without injuring
yourself at all. Yeah.
Now these go into the pot.
Everything needs to simmer
for at least an hour
over low heat. Mm-hmm.
Add your broccoli
and then all that's
left to do is enjoy.
Dr. Sloan and I
will be back with you
in the next half hour.
Maybe we should
just do kitchen first aid?
Oh, just kidding.
Right now I hear piano
and that means that it's
our pleasure to bring on
Sister Anna
Pauline and the choir
for some of the best
gosh darn, toe tapping,
heart-soaring music
you've ever heard.
Right after these messages.
Sorry MAN: And we're clear.
About that. Oh, don't be silly.
You were wonderful!
Yeah, I'm, uh... I will see you
in 26 minutes. Okay.
Rosie, absolutely no
interruptions, okay?
Because I... well, you know.
I have something to do.
Got it. Uh...
can I ask?
Why are you doing
this butthead's show?
I want to prove to everyone
that you can still have dignity
even in the face
of all that vulgarity.
Whatever.
Well, it's almost
show time, gang.
Let's wait for that telephone
call from Miss Kitty,
that big old bag full of...
of carpet dust that she is.
You're gonna have to put
up with me for just a second
and some of this crappy
music while we wait for her call.
Will ya? Go with it.
Hello?
Yes, it's me.
Well, I'll be tongue-tied.
He did it.
All right, gang,
we're back with the event
you have been waiting for.
Yes, my friends.
Boy meets girl.
North meets south.
Let's get ready to rumble...!
Kitty Lynn, Kitty
Lynn, Kitty Lynn.
Hello, Carl, how are you?
I'm fine, darling.
In fact, in case
you haven't heard,
I am the "go to Hell"
king of the airwaves,
and I must have
blown some real hot air
up that musty skirt of yours.
Welcome to fame, baby.
Well, I'm happy to be here.
Well, of course, you are.
What's it been?
Ten... 15 years since a
real man was with you, huh?
Or maybe you're not
into men anymore.
Maybe that's your deep,
dark secret, huh, Kitty Poo?
Maybe you're into slumber
parties with your gal pals.
Is that it?
Oh, Carl, come on now.
Everything we talk about
doesn't have to be smutty, does it?
Well, absolutely not.
What kind of underwear
are you wearing?
You know, I don't think that's
a very appropriate question.
All right, okay,
let's get to it, Kitty.
Why are you... such
an uptight bitch?
I'm not sure I understand
the question, Carl.
Oh, come on, Kitty.
Have you ever popped a zit
or passed some
gentle southern wind?
Carl, I am a normal woman
who just happens to host
a nationally syndicated
morning show weekdays from
9:00 to 11:00 on KCDM Los Angeles.
Geez, was that a plug or what?
Speaking of plugs,
I saw your exercise
infomercial the other day.
Hoo-hoo-hoo, nice jiggle.
You know, I believe
that staying fit
is so important for everyone.
So how do you keep
your tight little body
in shape all the time, huh?
Well, Carl, why don't
you buy one of my videos
and then you can
see for yourself?
Oh, baby, I'm
dreaming of those knees.
I-I'm just looking forward
watching you down there
teaching everybody how to...
scrub floors if you
know what I mean.
Honestly, Carl, do you
only think about one thing?
You got it, honey,
One-Note Burke.
Carl,
I thought you wanted
to talk about our show.
No.
I wanted to talk
about your thighs!
We can always talk
about me, of course.
Is there anything to talk about?
You come on down here right now.
I'll blow the phony
peroxide highlights
right out of your
hair, all right?
Before we're done,
you'll be down on your
knees kissing my bare toes
in Macy's front window.
You got that, Kitty Lynn?
Hello?
Hello! Hello!
I'm here.
Okay.
All right.
You're damn right
you're here, honey.
You're here because I have not
dismissed you yet.
Carl, I am sure, just as
most of your listeners are,
that at heart you are a
sweet, lovable, normal guy
and this is all just an act
to get attention.
Isn't that right, Carl?
Listen, you garden rake.
You get your powdered
lilac-dripping heinie down here
and I'll show you
what's lovable about me.
Well, I would love to, Carl,
but I do have a show to do
and I believe I've
done my time with you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I have not dismissed
you yet, slave girl.
You know what?
You're really starting
to bore me, Kitty.
Well, I'm so sorry, Carl,
but listen, now, I
really do have to go.
You know what?
So do I.
Wait a second, my little cherub.
This has been a gas, but
you got to do one thing for me.
Just say one dirty word, okay?
Well, I would never do that.
Come on, say
"puke," say "boogers."
Just do something!
Carl, you know what?
I really do have to run now,
but it has been so
fun talking to you.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Get out of here.
We're going to be
back in a minute,
my friends, with an exposé
on the presidential candidate
who's a cross-dresser
so he can get both the
male and female vote.
You were wonderful.
So did you listen, too?
Yes, I did.
That was remarkable.
You were very, very calm.
Oh, was I?
Oh, I feel like I need a shower.
You coming down with something?
Just allergies.
Oh.
Uh, Dr. Sloan.
Yes. We're moving this way.
Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy's got some
num-num for you.
Come on, honey, look here.
Come on.
Mmm...
Come on, you stupid cat!
♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪
♪ The bombs bursting ♪
♪ In air ♪
♪ Gave proof ♪
♪ Through the night ♪
♪ That our flag ♪
♪ Was still there ♪
♪ Oh, say does that ♪
♪ Star-spangled banner ♪
♪ Yet wave... ♪
♪ Oh, say does that ♪
♪ Star-spangled banner ♪
♪ Yet wave ♪
♪ O'er the land ♪
♪ Of the free... ♪
And as you know, Kitty Lynn,
the nutritional value of every
onion is virtually the same
whether they are
Bermuda onions, the whites,
the common browns,
or even those erotic...
e-exotic sweets from Maui.
That's right, Mark,
and we'll be right back
with some more
helpful nutritional hints
right after this.
Thank you very much, Kitty.
Yeah... I needed
a little rehearsal.
I saw the show yesterday.
I needed it.
Looks like you're doing
all right here. I don't know.
At home I'm a Benihana chef,
but down there I'm looking at
those cue cards and the camera
and I can't do anything.
Yeah, might lose
part of a knuckle.
You want some breakfast?
No, no, I got to run.
What's up?
You ever listen to
that guy Carl Burke?
No, but I sure have been
hearing his name a lot lately.
Well, you're going
to hear it some more.
He turned up dead this morning.
What happened?
Apparently, the poor guy
died of a household accident.
Electrocuted himself.
Ooh, that's terrible.
You know, he was a f... an
enemy of a friend of mine.
Oh, that's right.
Kitty Lynn was one of
his favorite bull's-eyes,
wasn't she? Mm-hmm.
Why are you checking it out
if it's just an accident?
Oh, it's just routine, uh...
apparently there was
a few weird things.
Looks like someone
tried to break in
earlier.
Sounds interesting.
You mind if I go along?
Yeah, fine. Yeah, I can
stop off at the studio later.
Just a minute.
What is that all about?
Lemon juice cuts
the onion smell.
Another household
hint from Kitty Lynn.
That's right, Mark, and
that's about it for today,
so join us for tomorrow's show
when our topic will be
"Your Friend the Lima Bean."
Thanks.
Hey, Russ.
Hi, Steve, how are you doing?
Uh, Russ Marsh, this is
my dad Dr. Mark Sloan.
Russ. Pleasure to meet you, Doc.
What do you got, Russ?
Why don't you come
around here and take a look?
Now, we're treating this
as an accidental death,
but you really
ought to take a look
just in case.
Actual time of the break-in
was 9:36 yesterday morning.
That's when the door
was compromised
and the alarm was set off.
Oh, look at that.
Not broken, cut through
clean as a whistle.
Yeah, so?
Well, I don't know, I
always have a picture
of guys with tire irons
breaking windows in.
A lot quieter with
a glass cutter.
Yeah, that's true.
Anyway, Burke was notified
of the break-in attempt.
It didn't seem to bother
him too much at the time,
but the guy left a great
set of impressions.
Footprint's right here.
Did you get a plaster cast?
Yeah, it's already done.
The perpetrator
goes about 175, 180s,
wearing a size 11,
size 11 1/2 boot.
Boy, sure a neat
way to get in, all right.
Well, actually, we're
not sure that he did.
Response time was
pretty good on this.
We're looking at, uh,
four and a half minutes.
The guy may have just
stepped in and split right away
when he saw this alarm
light blinking over here.
Yeah, he may have
had an electrical problem.
I'll be darned.
There's a penny in there
where the fuse ought to be.
From the looks of the place,
Burke wasn't much
of a homemaker.
There's a penny
in every one of 'em.
Huh.
What makes you think
the burglar never got in?
Well, nothing's missing.
The drawers are all closed,
the closets are closed,
and there's a lot
of stuff to steal.
The guy had seven television
sets if you can believe that.
Oh... let's take a look around.
Yeah.
With all his money,
you would have thought he'd
been able to afford a maid.
What is that
smell? I don't know.
Uh-oh.
I think this little
fellow right here
is the source of the odor.
Uh-huh, litter box.
Yeah. Ugh.
Not too well kept either.
Steve, I'm going to
pull up stakes if you...
No, thanks, Russ.
You got a problem
with cats, Russ?
Oh, yeah, and once you get it,
it never goes away.
I got to get out of
here. I'll see you guys.
I guess we're going to
have to find a new home
for this little guy, huh?
It may not be too easy.
You know, a lot of
people are allergic to cats.
And we're back with Kitty Lynn
and her guest Dr. Mark Sloan.
So, you're saying
that there is a right way
and a wrong way to
arrange your medicine chest?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, the problem is, Kitty,
that most people don't
even think about it.
Well, I know I
certainly never have.
Well, we all should,
because the bathroom
can be potentially
the most dangerous
room in the house.
You know, I also
do consulting work
for the, uh, police department.
You know, I have heard that.
This is a man of many talents.
Yeah. I work mostly, of course,
for the, uh,
homicide, uh, squad.
Uh, as a matter of fact, I was
with the police this morning.
Some poor man died
in his own bathroom. No!
Yes. It seems the poor
fellow, uh, grabbed his dryer
while he was still
wet from the shower.
Well, that is awful! Mm-hmm.
The police seem to think
there was faulty wiring
in the dryer itself. My word!
Well, I guess your bathroom
really can be hazardous.
So, I see we're putting
all the non-toxic items
on the lower shelf.
You know, the worst thing about
that case was that the man had
just pennies in
all of his fuses.
No proper fuses at all.
Now, that's very dangerous.
Well, I should say.
Never put pennies
in your fuse box.
But that's another
show, Dr. Sloan.
So, we're putting
all of the potentially
dangerous items way up high.
Right, and, uh, dangerous
prescription drugs like this
should be kept out of
the reach of small children.
Oh, dear! Oh, I'm sorry.
I was around a cat this morning.
I'll bet I've got dander
all over my clothes.
You're allergic, aren't you?
Yes, I-I certainly am.
Ooh!
Maybe we should
just take a little break,
and we'll be right back
after these messages.
And we're clear!
Oh, dear!
Oh! Oh!
You know, this is
going pretty well,
I think, don't you?
Oh, you know what, Dr. Sloan?
I don't really think my
viewers care to hear
about some fellow who
died in his bathroom.
Really? You know, I
think it's very interesting.
You know who I'm
talking about, don't you?
I have no idea.
That, uh, DJ you were
talking to yesterday.
Carl Burke is dead? Mmm.
Oh, my word, that's awful!
Yes, it really is terrible.
Here, I'll get you a Kleenex.
Ooh.
I'm going to show you why
you don't need to pay a fortune
to a glazier just to replace
your broken window.
Hey, Dad. Hi.
You will need a glass cutter.
What are you watching?
You're also going to need...
Some old tapes of
The Kitty Lynn Show.
Mm-hmm. Watch this.
In just a few simple steps,
I'm going to show you why
you don't need to pay a fortune
to a glazier just to replace
your broken window.
You will need a glass cutter.
You're also going to need
a putty knife, some spackle
and a lot of patience.
Well, you should have
left that on. I could have
brushed up on my glass cutting.
How's your electrical?
Today I am going to attempt
to take a little bit
of the mystery out
of home wiring...
Dad, what are you getting at?
One more.
This is very simple...
Now, what we're doing here
is strapping on
what would amount
to roughly one third
of Sally's body weight.
So now, everybody
in America gets to see
what you look
like at 170 pounds.
Dad, you're not thinking
what I think you're thinking?
Diving suit? 170 pounds?
A size 11 shoe? Yes.
She slips on a
pair of man's boots.
And then she cuts
out the window?
Exactly, just like
she did right there.
And then rewires the hairdryer?
Dad, I don't know.
Well... why not?
Why, is more like it.
I mean, you think
she killed a man
just because he taunted
her on his stupid radio show?
Oh, no, no.
I mean, there was
some other reason for it,
but that's what
we have to find out.
But she killed him.
Dad, think about
what you're saying.
I have been.
Kitty Lynn Hastings
is a God-fearing,
beauty pageant-winning,
moral barometer for
millions of TV viewers.
Nobody talks like that.
I know. Well, I
read it in the paper.
Oh.
Did the paper say
she's a murderer?
Because that's
what I think she is.
Why? Because she's
handy around the house?
No, I'm not saying I've got
admissible evidence you can
nail it down with.
I can't even think
of a solid motive.
As a matter of fact,
I can't figure out
how she was on the air
in the studio with Burke,
and at Burke's house
at the same time.
So, you're, uh,
working on a hunch?
Yeah, you could say that, yeah.
Well, the coroner's going to
rule Burke's death accidental.
I guess I could, uh, slow
him down a little on it.
No, no, I don't
want to hold him up.
Oh, no, no, no, no... any hunch
of yours is good enough for me.
Yeah, but it's
still just a hunch.
Mm. Well, if you do
come up with anything,
you know where to find me.
Okay. Thanks.
Boy, I hate it when
I just have a hunch.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Bambi is beautiful.
That is disgusting.
No, no, no, no.
See the incision
around the scalp line?
That makes it easy
for him to trim the flesh
and draw it back over the skull.
I-I think I'd rather wear a hat.
Oh, this is so great.
He's making an incision in
the soft tissue under the eye
which makes it like
peeling the skin off a turkey.
You know, I used
to like Thanksgiving.
Mark, hello. Hey.
Hello. How's it going?
I thought you were doing
The Kitty Lynn Hastings
show this morning.
I am in about an hour.
Oh, my God! That was
supposed to happen!
I...
Jesse, what does the
rest of your day look like?
Well, Dr. Goosbaum is
going to crack a cheekbone
and, uh, reshape it
later this afternoon.
I thought Norman
might like to see that.
This afternoon? Uh-huh.
Darn. Darn, darn, darn, darn.
I've got a budget meeting
this afternoon. Darn. I...
It's now. The meeting's now.
I must be late. Darn.
The guy wants to
see the possibilities
of modern cosmetic
surgery, and he loses it.
Go figure.
So what's up?
Did you ever listen to
The Carl Burke Show?
Well, who hasn't?
Did you know
about that, uh, thing
he had going with
Kitty Lynn Hastings?
Yeah. I mean, he tore her
apart every chance he got.
Yeah. Do you have any idea
at all why she agreed to do it?
Who knows? Maybe she
was a glutton for punishment.
Yeah. Or try this.
Maybe Burke had
something on her.
You mean blackmail?
Mm.
And that's what I'd
like for you to find out.
How am I going to do that?
On the FM dial.
You mean he didn't
really hate Kitty Lynn?
Burkie had a five hour gig,
five days a week.
Half the American populace
can't come up with five minutes
of interesting
dinner conversation.
He did this day in and day out.
Now, going off on
Kitty Lynn was a bit.
He used it as a way to fill
a couple hours every week.
Right. So why do you think that
she would agree to do his show?
Because she's an idiot?
Well... I don't know.
I don't have a clue.
All I know is, Burkie came
in one day and announced
that he got her to
commit to an open slate.
What's open slate?
You know. An open slate.
You can talk about anything.
And with Burke, that usually
started at your cup size,
and it was all
downhill after that.
Icky dicky bicky poo?
Now, that's not a very
nice thing to say, Alice.
But, well, then
again, neither is,
"The toilet's all stuffed up,
and I got to go real bad!"
I got to find myself
a new line of work.
Yeah.
Well, these past few days
have just flown by, Mark!
I can't believe
that tomorrow is going to
be our last day together.
And they've been
very interesting, Kitty.
I think today is going to
be even more interesting.
I think so, too.
Okay. let's get some hair
and makeup people on the set.
Grab me those
changes for the Prompter.
I need 'em now.
Go! Go! Watch your backs...
Very nice. Very nice.
Thank you, but do you think
that should be an E
flat or a C right there?
Uh... yeah. E flat.
Yeah. So it's an
A flat cord, huh?
I don't think so. Oh. Well...
You're new here, huh?
What's your name?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come
on out at the Gee tonight
and I'll play something
special for you?
I... you know,
you... really, yes.
Then we can get together,
and after that, we can, uh...
Yes, I was wondering if you knew
where Miss Hasting's
dressing room would be?
You know, which...? Yeah.
Down the hall on
the left. Thank you.
No problem.
E flat, huh?
Do you like surprises, Mark?
I think so.
Good, because I think
we have a couple of
wonderful surprises
in store for today,
along with more tips
on how you can keep healthy
and living longer with my
special co-host this week,
Dr. Mark Sloan.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
And clear.
Okay, you have five minutes.
Let's go!
Where are you going?
I beg your pardon?
You're not going to leave
me out here alone, are you?
I will be right back.
Jimmy, I'll be in
my dressing room.
Oh, boy.
Uh... Kitty?
Kitty, could I speak
to you a moment?
We have less than five minutes.
What is it? It's this.
Do you think this is too much?
It's fine.
Oh!
Listen, would you mind
giving me a little warning
before you do that?
Talk to my union, honey.
Phew!
I got to check the guests...
Oh!
Oh, that was so close. Oh!
How'd you get out of there?
She's got a back
door and a cell phone.
Oh, so opportunity for
her to get out of there
and rig Burke's hairdryer.
While still being interviewed
on the radio. Good.
Oh! Now we have means,
we have opportunity.
Now Jesse's got to
come up with the motive.
Excuse me? Yeah.
I'm, uh... I'm sorry, but I
don't believe we've met.
I'm Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Amanda Livingston.
I work here. What do you do?
Amanda works with me.
She's a big fan. Just
wanted to drop by.
It is so nice to meet you.
I understand you were
in my dressing room?
Was I? Oh.
I don't know if you've
realized this, Miss Livingston,
but the people who
work for me are my family.
We've been together a long time.
They protect me.
They talk to me.
They tell me when someone
is slinking around backstage.
Oh, I wasn't slinking.
Okay. We're back
with the flower segment,
then go right to
introducing Ben Vereen.
Is Ben Vereen on the show?
I always wanted
to meet him. Okay.
Jimmy, would you
hold this for me?
Sure. Okay.
One minute, everyone.
What? O-Okay.
Oh.
Well, I guess I better get
out of the way, too. Yeah.
Is that Ben? Don't bother him.
But it is him?
Yeah, yeah, it's him.
Stand right there. There you go.
I think you owe me
an explanation, Mark.
What was she doing
in my dressing room?
Oh, Kitty, I asked Amanda to do
some snooping around in there.
20 seconds.
For what?
Well, to come up
with a... a motive.
A mo... a motive for what?
Murder?
Stand by. Ten seconds.
You think that somebody
in my family
murdered Carl Burke?
In five.
No. I think you did. Oh.
Four, three, two...
Hi there and welcome back
to At Home With Kitty Lynn
and my co-host, Dr. Mark Sloan.
And flowers can be a
very healthy addition
to your home, yes?
Flowers? Yes, they can, Kitty.
As long as they're
not on your grave.
Oh.
You actually accused her?
Well, she didn't
give me much choice.
This is a shrewd woman, Mark.
You might be setting
yourself up for a slander suit.
Well, you can't be sued
if you're telling the truth.
And she did it. I'm sorry.
You don't go out
and kill someone
because they make
fun of you on the radio.
That's exactly what Steve said.
Well, if it was blackmail
then nobody else
at the radio station
knows what he had on her.
Well, it's got to be here. What?
Well, the other reason.
Their lives must have crossed
paths sometime in the past.
And they got involved
with something
or they did something
they shouldn't have.
I don't know. I doubt it.
They're complete
opposites. Yeah.
Kitty grew up with money,
upper class suburb.
She even graduated
from Wellesley with honors.
I doubt very much
that she even knew
that Burke existed until
she moved out here.
You sure about that?
Pretty much. Burke grew up poor,
struggled through college.
Went from job to job
until he finally
landed here in L.A.
Kitty's Westside
social elite.
Definitely not Burke's world.
Hmm.
Can I have a look?
You say Kitty graduated
from Wellesley?
Yeah, With honors.
And Burke?
Colorado Central University.
Well, then I wonder
why she never mentioned
little Colorado
Central University?
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, Dr. Sloan,
you and I are going to have
such a wonderful dinner together.
Why are we doing
another cooking segment?
She insisted.
Bumped the dog trainer for this.
So, then you really do think
that the free range
chicken is better
than the, uh, average
farm grown variety?
Oh, absolutely... uh... Kitty.
The, uh... it's less fat
and also there's a lot
less chance of salmonella.
Ooh, well, that's
good for us to know.
You know, it's,
uh, was in Colorado
they developed
the first free ranger.
Really? Colorado?
Uh-huh, right near
where you went to college.
I'm Wellesley, darling.
Oh,
didn't you go to
Colorado Central
for a little while?
That's funny.
I thought I read that somewhere.
I can't imagine where.
Oh, it was on your coffee cup.
So while our
chicken is browning,
let's move on to our sauce.
Mm-mm.
Orange ginger? Yes.
Why don't you
taste that, Dr. Sloan?
Uh... you're the cook.
You're the cook. That I am.
And I would say just
a little bit more salt.
Well, ah, if you
can do without it.
Salt's not our friend.
Hey, Norman!
I got to cancel that
liposuction observation
with Dr. Goosbaum this morning.
Oh, that's no problem.
I've decided against
cosmetic surgery.
You're kidding!
When the gene pool came together
to create this
hairline, this body,
this Briggs, my
destiny was sealed.
Oh, it's too bad.
Yeah, well, I'm not going
to change that destiny.
I'm going to enjoy it.
I'm going to embrace it.
I'll tell you, Norman, I
was really looking forward
to reshaping you, you know?
Carving you into a new man.
Well, wait until Halloween
and carve a pumpkin.
How about a little tummy tuck?
No.
What do you say I lop
off one of those chins?
I like my chins.
My chin. I like my chin.
You're a wisenheimer!
But Norman... I... enough!
Come on. Jesse,
where's Mark!? I don't know.
I guess he's still
down at the studio.
Why? What's up?
His hunch was right.
Kitty was at CCU.
But their records show
that she dropped out five
months after being there.
And if she didn't
do Carl's show,
he was going to expose
her for the college
dropout she was.
Could you get serious
for one minute, please?
All right. What
else do you have?
I have a forwarding
address when she left CCU.
Here you go.
Kickapoo's Car Wash?
3602 Van Nuys.
She moved to a car wash.
It wasn't a car wash in 1974.
Well, what was it?
You're kidding? Mm-hmm.
That's it. That's
what he had on her.
And possibly a
motive for murder.
Isn't that beautiful?
Oh... gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Well, Oh.
Dr. Mark Sloan,
it has been a most
wonderful week.
Yes, it has, Kitty.
I would like to thank
you for your health tips,
for your wonderful
sense of humor
and most of all for
making my home,
your home.
Dig in.
And to all of you out
there, bon appétit.
Stay healthy
and along the way
you might just find time
to enjoy yourself.
Isn't that delicious?
Mmm. Mmm.
Bye-bye everyone.
Mmm.
So, what was with
the Colorado bit?
You were there the
same time Carl Burke was.
You both worked
at the campus radio
station together.
Did we?
Kitty, how long do you
think you can hide your past?
You know, Dr. Sloan,
this has been a
very interesting week.
Thank you again.
Dr. Sloan, there's a
phone call for you. Oh,
thank you. Right,
right out this way.
Dr. Sloan.
Mark, it's me.
Hi. What'd you find out?
You were right.
Kitty was at CCU
when Burke was there.
But get this.
She ended up out
here five months later
You're kidding? at a
hostel for unwed mothers.
Well, it's motive.
Let's face it.
If Burke knew that Kitty
had an illegitimate child,
he could have used it against
her like an automatic weapon.
Listen, I think you'd
better call Steve
and get him down here.
What are you going to do, Mark?
I think I'll hang around here
and snoop around
a little bit more.
Well, be careful. Right.
I will.
And... Amanda, good work!
Thanks.
See you later. Bye.
Excuse me?
Are you going to eat that? No.
Want me to wrap it?
Yeah, that'd be nice, thank you.
And put a little more of
that orange sauce on it.
I have the key if you need it.
Oh.
I was just, uh...
Snooping around a little more?
Yeah, I was.
Maybe I can save you
a little time, Dr. Sloan.
A little time?
Well, I know
you're going to figure out
my sordid past sooner or later.
I will.
You're a very bright man, Mark.
Well, I try to stay
fit and eat right.
Do you?
What'd you do, Kitty?
I didn't do anything.
I think you did.
The chicken.
You prepared it perfectly.
But you ate it, too!
Not the same chicken.
You see, you ate
a hazel hen, Mark.
Looks and tastes exactly
the same as chicken,
but they just love to
munch on Mountain Laurel.
That's why you have to stay
away from them in the spring time.
It doesn't seem to
bother them at all.
But, uh, it makes
their flesh, well...
deadly.
Don't do this, Kitty.
I think we better get
you to the hospital.
I don't think we have
any time to waste.
You should be slipping
into a coma in a little while.
I understand that death
comes rather quickly.
Kitty, other people
know about the baby.
I understand that the
symptoms resemble a mild stroke.
This isn't going to end with me.
No, I'll probably have to go
into full PR mode.
Write a tear
jerking tell-all book.
But nobody has to
know the whole truth.
The real reason
I had to kill Carl.
The real reason?
Dear, you know, I think
I just missed the turn
to the hospital.
Where's Kitty Lynn?
Uh... I haven't seen her.
Oh, I saw her drive out of
here about five minutes ago
with the doctor.
Get a chopper up.
What kind of car is she driving?
Uh... a-a burgundy Explorer.
All right, get on it.
I'll radio with the
license number.
It's Sloan here.
I need you to run a plate for
me on a burgundy Explorer.
It's registered to a
Kitty Lynn Hastings.
Don't you just hate traffic?
Especially when
you're not feeling well.
What is the real reason, Kitty?
Why did you do all this?
Killing Carl was the
highlight of my life,
Dr. Sloan. You see,
you're missing one really
important piece here.
He is the foul-mouthed bastard
that got me pregnant
in the first place.
He's the one that's put
me through all of this.
He's the one that made me dirty.
What are you doing?
Stop it!
Let go!
Stop it!!
You're gonna kill both of us!!
Are you all right, Dad?
Poison.
All right, get on it.
Let's get him to the hospital.
We finally tracked down
a lady that ran the
unwed mother's home.
She, uh, recognized Kitty Lynn
from the photo you
found at Carl's house.
Hmm, but not Kitty Lynn
the happy homemaker?
Well, back then she was
just another unwed mother...
who didn't even flinch
when she signed her
baby over for adoption.
It's so funny.
What is?
That sweet lovable Kitty Lynn
was actually a horrible person.
And Carl Burke, that vile bore
was at one time a decent man.
Exactly what they said
about each other
on the air that day.
The woman I spoke
to said he made several
visits to Kitty and pleaded
with her to marry him.
He wanted her
to keep the baby.
But she turned him down flat.
Eventually wouldn't
talk to him at all.
All ended up in that twisted
love/hate relationship...
and a murder!
Okay.
Test came back.
Blood count is normal.
You can eat now. Yeah!
I am, believe it or
not, a little hungry.
What do you got?
Nature's penicillin.
Went all the way to
Crazy Murray's Deli for this.
Chicken soup.
Chock full of chunks.
Chicken?
I think I'll pass, Norman.