Diagnosis Murder (1993–2001): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Busy Body - full transcript

After a birthday dinner with the boys -even Norman, who rushes off early to greet a hospital accreditation inspection trio- for Mark Sloan, he gets stuck in handcuffs used for a surprise stripper; alas Jack forgot to ask for the keys from Community General's old security agent McCreedy, who just got fired, replaced by Norman's new, show-piece excessive goon force, and lost the keys years ago anyway. Yet Mark has worse to hide from the inspectors: a murder victim which mysteriously appears without ID in the hospital pharmacy and disappears with the presumed murder weapon before Steve arrives. Luckily he's identified as lawyer Lorenzo P. Kotch by footage on TV; he was mixed up in motive-providing matters like a nasty divorce and a culinary business war, even the inspection chairwoman hates him. His corps appears and disappears again and Mark thinks of another twist...

(heart monitor beeping)

(heart monitor flatlining)

(theme song playing)

♪ ♪

A toast. A toast
to the birthday boy.

Oh, Norm, we're not gonna have

toasts, are we? I am.

I'm your friend, and this is

my chance to get all gooey.

To Mark Sloan,

may the happiness of your past



be the sadness of your future.

(laughing) Hear, hear.

All the best.

That's great! That's great!

I have no idea what
the hell you said.

I got one. Um...

(clears throat)

Ten years ago,

I was a street kid
with an attitude,

and I couldn't even afford that.

But now, thanks to
my good friend Mark,

I'm a third-year resident

and I work great hours,
never more than 40...

a day.



And how about my pay?

I'm asking, Norman,
how about my pay, huh?

(all laughing) Yeah, pay.

Happy birthday, my good friend.

I owe it all to you, and one day

I'll get even with you.

(laughter and applause)

Hey, true story. Uh-oh.

When I was about nine-years-old,

my skates disappeared one day.

I looked everywhere: in my room

the front hall, nothing.

Till I did a little sleuthing
and they turned up

in Dad's closet. (laughing)

But seriously, folks, what
can I say about this guy?

He's been like a father to me,

and like a little brother.

And I just hope that when
I'm sixty-(mumbles) years old,

I'll still have
his sense of fun.

Here's to the best
dad I ever knew.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, Steve.

Very, very beautiful.

Well, I'm outta here.

MARK: You are?
The inspection team

from the Committee on Hospital
Accreditation is due at 1:00.

Someone has to greet them.

Happy birthday, Mark.
Thank you, Norman.

Enjoy, carouse, be back by 1:30.

1:30? Yeah.

Norman likes me to show
the inspection team around.

He's scared to death of them.

Of course, they could
yank our license. Mm-hmm.

Hey, who owns the
white Jag out front?

I do.

Seems you got some
outstanding warrants there, chum.

What warrants? For what?

You've been a very bad boy.

Do you know what I
think about bad boys?

You turn me on.

(Jack laughs)

(burlesque music playing)

You're... no. She's...?

Whoo!

Happy birthday, Dad.

Yow!

Look, Mark, I'm sorry.

You mentioned that.

Look, I got

the cuffs from
McReedy in Security.

All right, I'll go
downstairs right now,

and I'll get the key from him.

Not a bad little idea.

Afternoon, ladies. Hi, doctor.

MAN: Look, it's
a simple request.

I'm sorry. He's
not allowed visitors.

Do you know who I am? Yes, I do.

Then can't you make
an exception in my case?

I would if I could. Try!

I can't, it's doctor's
orders! Tell you what.

How about I give
you an autograph?

What would I have to
do? (metal detector trills)

You two, step over here, please.

It went off on him.

Excuse me, is this necessary?
We're both doctors here.

May I please see
your security badges?

Our what? Your security badges.

We issued some to the
whole staff this morning.

There must be some mistake.

I never saw a security badge.

What, you mean this?

You got one?

Yeah, they were
in our mailboxes.

I never look at my mail.

Let me go check and see if...

I'm sorry, if you don't
have a badge, I have

to search you for weapons.
Would you turn around,

please, sir?

Why don't you stop the guy

with the baseball bat?

That's wood. This is
a metal detector. Oh.

(wand emits tone)

Amigo, you're
three minutes late.

Birthday or no, you don't
keep inspectors waiting.

If they don't like
what they see,

this hospital can
go condo like that.

Norman, I am sorry.
We had a little mishap.

Could you empty
your pockets, please?

It's all right, young
man. He's one of us.

Yes, sir.

Norman, what is this?

Security badges, SWAT team?

Since when is
everything so tight?

Since now. I want
the inspectors to see

how safe our patients are.

Is old man McReedy
going along with this?

McReedy is history.
I fired his buns.

I told him to clear
out. You what?

McReedy's gone? Jack...

Boys, boy, boys,
we are now protected

by Techno-Sure, the best.
Great. Mark, don't panic.

He's got 25 years worth of
stuff to clear out of his office.

He hasn't gone yet.

You don't let me...
either you let me in there

or I'm gonna tee off on
your head! No, you're not!

Excuse me.

Are you sure that's
not a lethal weapon?

Code three in the
lobby. Code three!

I got him! I got him.

Norm, this is terrible!

It sure is. Why
couldn't the inspectors

have been here
to see it? Let's go.

(bell dings)

They said this
was the way to go.

Techno-Sure is
the best in the world.

Dr. Roger Gilliland,

I'd like you to meet
Dr. Mark Sloan,

our Chief of Internal Medicine.

Doctor. Hi, Doctor.

And where are the
others, not wandering

around unsupervised are they?

You must be Dr. Sloan.
I'm Dr. Nora Stebbings.

I chair the inspection team.

Over here,

Mr. Lubin.

This is Edward
Lubin, our accountant.

He'll review your books.

Oh, uh, oh, well, fine.

Our books always
get good reviews.

(laughs): Yes, that's very true.

When people introduce
levity into our proceedings,

Dr. Sloan, I always
wonder what they're

covering up. Nothing. Nothing.

Our hospital has nothing
to hide whatsoever.

If you'll just step this way.

Mr. McReedy? Careful
with those photos!

Geez, I'm trusting a lifetime
of memories to Baby Huey.

Mr. McReedy. What do you
want? You come to see the gizmos?

No, I just wanted... That's
what you young people like.

Hi-tech, everything on TV.

Well, let me tell you
something, Mr. Wizard.

These people may
have the electronics,

but they have no heart.

I understand. No experience.

I hear you. No innate sense

of who is the intruder
and who isn't! Dad.

Will you take it easy?

You've had a nice long run here.

It's time to retire anyway.

Ah, Ralphie... Look.

I do love the cabin.

Sleep like a baby
with that trout stream

going all night long.

Guess that's something
to look forward to.

(phone rings)

Security. Just a minute.

It's for you.

McReedy. What?

Who lost?

What do I care if
Marquette lost a game?

It's for you, Mc-Greedy.

Hi. Yeah, I heard.

Listen, I know
I'm over my limit,

but you'll have it on Monday.

Leo, there's no
need to threaten me.

When I say Monday,
I mean Monday.

Ralph, you said you
stopped gambling.

I did, Dad. Trust me.
Trust you?! It's kind of hard

after I paid for three years

so you could go to
Gambler's Anonymous

because you didn't
mention it was free!

Everything's under
control, all right?

Just chill out. Chill out?!

McReedy! What?!

Will you go away?!
Gladly, but first

give me the keys for the
handcuffs you lent me.

You locked them? I
thought they were for some

bimbo's costume? Yeah, well,

she got creative. Now
if you can just give me

the keys, I'll get out of
this nuthouse. What key?

I lost it down the
drainpipe 20 years ago.

What? You think I'd have let
you have handcuffs that worked?

I'd have needed them!
Are you kidding me?

What the hell am
I supposed to do?

Give me the pictures! McReedy!

Carry the heavy stuff.
Earn your damn pay!

McReedy, what the hell
am I suppose to do now?

Doc, this is not a good
day to ask me that.

The answer is too easy.

What? McRee... Hey!

McReedy!

This is...

(groans)

Having a nice day, Jack?

Fine. Yeah, you? Oh,
same old, same old.

Can you believe today
is Mark's birthday?

Well, I guess so.
Wouldn't it have been nice

if we could have had
a lunch to celebrate?

It would have been
really good. Yeah, well, I,

you know, I had
that appointment.

Aw, what a shame.

Oh, a message for you came in

while you were on
your appointment,

from Brandy.

Strippers-A-Go-Go.

She says that she's gonna be a
teensy bit late, All right, Amanda.

But that she'll meet you
at the restaurant. Amanda.

Amanda, listen to me.

(sighs)

Strippers. Like this,
you know? Hmm.

We thought you'd be offended.

And I am. See?

I think it's sexist
and puerile Uh-huh.

And I can't believe
that you deliberately

cut me out of Mark's
birthday party so that you could

gawk at some
bimbette's silicone chest.

Hey! There was absolutely

no silicone in...

Which is neither here
nor there. I got to go.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Dr. Stewart
to E.R. Dr. Stewart to E.R.

I know you're mad at
me. Do me a favor, okay?

Mark is showing the
accreditation inspectors around.

Will you find
him and tell him...

Happy birthday?

Yes, tell him happy
birthday, and also tell him

that there's no key.
No key to what?

Just tell him there's no key.

Brandy? Keep it.

(indistinct announcement)

With this intercom,
any patient on the floor

may contact the duty nurse
at the press of a button.

Now, this state of
the art equipment

is in as few a
hospitals... Dr. Sloan?

Excuse me a moment, will you?

WOMAN (on P.A.):
Dr. Pullman to Radiology. Yes?

Dr. Pullman to Radiology.

Mark, did you enjoy
your birthday stag party?

Amanda, I'm sorry about that.

I was not in charge
of the guest list

or the entertainment.

I understand. No harm, no foul.

Also, no key.

What?

Jack told me to tell
you that there's no key.

Will you tell Jack I'd like
to see him right away?

Does this mean
he's in big trouble?

Mm-hmm. My pleasure.

Dr. Sloan, we've checked out

this nurse's station
quite thoroughly.

Can we move on?

Yes, of course.

If you'll just, uh,
step this way.

Now, we've had some successes,

particularly in pediatrics,

because of our moderate size.

I'd like to show you
our pharmacy now,

with climate-controlled storage

and a computerized
inventory system

that I think you'll find is
the very state of the art.

You wanted to see me, Dr. Sloan?

Yeah! Would you
step inside the room?

Certainly.

Excuse us, won't you?

Mark, I'm sorry.

I had no idea
that the key was...

Who's that?

I don't know.

He's not wearing
an I.D. bracelet.

(knocking on door)

You call the police.

I'll take care of them.

Okay.

I really thank you so
much for your patience.

Listen, uh... why don't
we take a little break?

Oh, would you like some coffee?

Just right in here to
the, uh... cafeteria.

There we are. Ah!

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Thank God!

I asked Norman to take
over the tour for five minutes.

It's been ten already.

Look, what time was that?

Okay, thank you.

So, Nurse Dayton filled a
prescription in the pharmacy

at 1:28.

I discovered the body at 1:47.

So, that's a pretty good
take on the time of death.

I'll tell Steve
when he comes in.

Dr. Sloan, will you please open

that big birthday
present on your desk?

I'll do it, Delores,

as soon as I get the
circulation back in my hand.

D? Yes?

Aren't you supposed to
be checking the computer

for a guy with a broken nose?

I'm going as fast as I can.

If you want your
employees to work harder,

try treating them well.

Inviting them to
birthday parties, say.

Again. Look, I told you.

We thought you might
be offended by the stripper.

You got that right.

Look, will you do me...? Just find
the guy with the broken nose, please?

Would that be a deviated septum?

Oh, I don't believe this.

I saw a bandage here!

Hey! Hey, guys! Uh,
neutral corners, please.

I've got to get back
to the inspection tour.

Man! All right. All right.

Hi, Amanda.

I've been looking
all over for you.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like?

I missed my lunch,
not like some people.

Oh, you, uh, you found out, huh?

Look, Amanda, I am sorry,
but I didn't do the inviting.

Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm here on
police business, okay?

Where's the body?

Ah, yes, we are preoccupied
with bodies today, aren't we?

Amanda, I didn't
hire the stripper.

Did you look?

Well, I... I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

You are a turkey, Steven Sloan.

How could you let some
poor woman take off

all of her clothes
just to stroke

your male libidos?

I think it's sexist,
vulgar and crude.

Amanda, can we talk about
what I came here to talk about?

The murder? Don't try

to change the...

The murder?

Dad found a body in
the hospital pharmacy.

Now, the chief pathologist
wasn't available,

so I've arranged for you to do
the preliminary autopsy here.

A murder autopsy?

Yeah, I, uh, thought you
might like the opportunity.

You're still a turkey.

But thanks.

Steve, there you are.

Have you seen Norman
and the, uh, inspectors?

Well, not here, but if
you're looking for 'em,

I know that they're
in the other...

No, no, I'm hiding from them.

Come on, let's go check out
that body before they find me.

WOMAN (over speaker): Resident
report to E.R., resident report to E.R.

Where's the body?

It's gone.

Gone?

Gone where?

It didn't say.

You guys lost the body?

Well, somebody moved it,
along with the murder weapon.

Probably the killer.

What killer?

Do you know how
hard it is to prove murder

if you can't produce
a dead person?

Oh, there was a
dead person, all right.

Look at the blood on
the floor. It was a man

about six foot three.

He was wearing a hospital gown.

He was killed by a strong blow

with a blunt weapon
to the left temple.

Probably from behind.

And it was a bloody
nightstick right beside the body.

AMANDA: Well, why
was he even in here?

This area is off
limits to patients.

Here's probably the reason why.

Somebody tried to jimmy
the lock on the drug cabinet.

Dad! Please don't
touch. Right, right.

Look, there's
plenty to investigate.

We're just shy a body.

All right, dust the room.

Uh, photograph it and
take samples of the blood.

But it is not a murder
investigation yet.

It's a missing person.

A missing person?

Well, that's what he is.

That way, I don't need a body.

All I need is a name.

Well, I didn't get his name.

What kind of hospital can't
identify its own patient?

Well, he didn't
have an I.D. bracelet.

So I'm supposed to investigate
a murder where there's no body

and no one has the faintest
idea who's been killed?

Well, I got to call the station.

Wait till the guys
get a load of this one.

REPORTER (on TV): Local attorney
Lorenzo P. Kotch won the battle

inside the courtroom.

Lorenzo P. Kotch.

What? The victim's name.

Lorenzo P. Kotch.

KOTCH: Perhaps
some women can survive

on less than five million
a year, but not my client.

(Kotch grunts, reporters gasp)

REPORTER: Later, the assailant
was identified as Rupert Leverton.

Rupert Leverton?

Who's he?

Well, he owns the Lotus
Cafe in Beverly Hills.

He's only the most
innovative chef in the city.

Mr. Leverton used to be the
acclaimed chef and former owner,

until his recent divorce, of
the Lotus Cafe in Beverly Hills.

It sounds like Kotch took
his business away from him.

There's a motive for murder.

Look, I can't duck the
accreditation team any longer.

Do you think you can find
his new place of business?

Piece of cake.

If he's there, it's the
best restaurant in L.A.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a Mr. Leverton.

You found him. Hi.

Sara Jane Jessup
from Tiffany Caterers.

Well, I thought
I'd give you one...

Oh, dear, I've forgotten
all of my business cards.

What do you want?

Well, you're a very
difficult man to reach,

and when I called the
restaurant, they said

they didn't know where you were.

It's not my restaurant anymore.

She got it.

The Happy Harlot.

Yes, well, I did hear
about the divorce.

But perhaps the best
revenge is getting rich.

Now, I have a business
proposal for you.

I'm doing a rather large
lawn party next week

and I'd like to
serve your recipe

of blue corn crab cakes.

Really? Yes.

Well, the recipe's not
mine anymore either.

She got that, too.

See, she said she
didn't want anything!

So then she hires
this lawyer... Kotch.

Kotch! Kotch!

Going on and on in court
about all the promises I made.

Well, maybe you
shouldn't have made them.

I never made them!

He was lying.

But I got him back.

I got him real good.

Did you?

Yeah.

I punched his lights out today.

It put a gash in my hand.

I had to miss the noon
rush to go to the hospital.

They had to pour
disinfectant on the cut

and then they
put stitches in it.

And you know what? What?

Even that felt good.

It felt really good.

Huh.

Well, uh, do you remember
the name of the doctor

that stitched you up?

Why?

Well, uh, do you see
this little tuck there?

Not everybody does that.

A caterer who knows bandages.

(laughing): Well, I
wasn't always a caterer.

Used to be a candy striper.

Shh!

Now, about those
delicious crab cakes.

Ah, yes.

The blue corn crab cakes.

Mm... yummy.

Well...

First you sauté some mushrooms

until they're very, very hot.

And then?

Then you mail them to Omaha.

If I didn't give the right
recipe to the Happy Harlot,

what makes you think I'd give it

to some retired candy striper?!

Out! Ooh.

Out! Out!

The washing is done with
heavy doses of disinfectant.

These special machines
use super-heated water

to insure extra sterility.

As you can see,
everything is done

with the most
scrupulous attention

to the highest
sanitary standards.

(nervously): Well,

I know you don't want
to stand here and watch

dirty laundry spin.

Let's go on down the hall.

See that?

Call the switchboard

and have them page
Lieutenant Steven Sloan.

Tell him to get down here stat.

Make sure nobody touches that.

Do you recognize this?

Well, sure, that's Maggie.

Maggie?

Back when I was a cop,
your nightstick was your friend.

You gave it a name.

These are different times.

I mean, it's hard to
be fond of a TV screen.

Do you remember where
you last saw Maggie?

Beats me.

I mean, you know, I've been
looking for her everywhere.

Sometimes I put her down
and forget to pick her up.

Well, Mr. McReedy, I believe
that Maggie will check out

as the weapon used in a murder.

You mind telling me where
you were between 1:28

and 1:47 today?

You want to know where I
was between 1:28 and 1:47?

BRIGGS: He was with me.

I was regretfully
terminating his association

with this hospital.

Bull pucky, you
were firing my buns.

Dad, calm down.

Actually, he's calmer
now than he was then.

Are you sure about the time?

Lieutenant, I will
never forget anything

about that conversation.

(sighs)

I'm sorry

about the inconvenience,
Mr. McReedy.

You can go back... Packing, huh?

Clearing out my belongings.

Making myself history!

Steve, what's going on here?

Well, I thought
I had the killer.

They brought another
murder victim here

with Saint Eustice less than
a quarter of a mile away?

They didn't bring
him here, Norman.

He was murdered here.

What?

He was a patient.

My God, this is terrible.

With the accreditation
inspection going on,

why couldn't it
have been a doctor?

MARK: Now,
something I think you are

really going to enjoy.

Our state-of-the-art
operating theater,

equipped for really almost
any procedure imaginable.

I-If I go on too long and
bore you, let me know.

(chuckling): I could go
on about this facility...

However, uh, someone
is using the facilities

right at the moment.

And if, if you'll
just, uh, follow me,

I will show you the,
uh, stiff... staff room.

Hey, Steve.

I'll be ready to do the
autopsy in 20 minutes.

And I know who the murderer is.

Everybody wants
to be a detective.

Let me give you a
professional tip, Amanda.

You have to build a case

before you can
make an accusation.

No, I really do know, and
I'm going to tell you all about it

while I prep for the autopsy.

Uh... I'm sorry, Amanda.

Sorry about what?

The deputy coroner insists on
doing the autopsy downtown.

What?!

He heard you lost
a body once already.

I didn't lose the body.
I hadn't even seen it,

and when I went to
take a look, it was gone.

Well, his gadabout
days are over.

Nobody crosses this till
the coroner's van gets here.

It's because I'm
a woman, isn't it?

Well, I'll have you know,
I can perform an autopsy

just as well as any man.

Maybe if I took off my clothes,

then you might
take me seriously.

(men laughing)

Yeah, this was his bed.

Whatever happened to him anyway?

He, um... he met
with an accident.

Can you tell me
anything about him?

He had a broken nose.

You want more than that,
check his chart, Doctor.

No, I don't need
to look at the chart.

I just... I just want to know
some personal stuff about him.

Like, um...

did he ever mention
any friends? Or enemies?

Enemies? Aha!

Somebody dusted
him, right? I knew it!

I knew it when I saw him
hiding he was in trouble.

Hiding? Yeah.

He sees somebody he
knows in the hall, right?

He ducks behind the
bed and he starts yelling,

"Close the door! Close
the door! She can't see me.

I'm dead meat!"

Did you see who was out there?

It was three people.

It was two men and a woman.

They had on gray suits
with these little blue badges.

Have you opened my present yet?

Yes, Delores. I
was just about to.

Nora Stebbings.

Who?

Nora Stebbings. The
chief of the inspection team.

She's the killer.

Jack, we'd all like to see

this inspection cancelled,
but Nora Stebbings?

No, Mark, it all fits.
Listen, she was here

at the hospital at the
time of the murder.

And Kotch was petrified of her.

In fact, he said,
and I quote, uh...

uh, uh...

"She can't see
me. I'm dead meat."

Well, it's a nice theory, but...

well, you see the
problems, don't you?

What problems? Well,
uh... Kotch was struck from

above w-with force.

Nora Stebbings is m-maybe
five feet tall and skinny.

I mean, she couldn't
ever have reached

his head with that billy club.

And I doubt if she
has the strength

to break a walnut,
much less a skull.

Hmm.

Well, I don't know
how she did it... yet.

I'll be back.

Hey, D. Jack.

If your stag
conversation is over,

you were going to
open my present.

Yeah! Oh! I'm going
to do it right now.

No more distractions.
I promise, Delores.

Mark, this is not
fair. I did not lose it.

I hadn't even seen it.

And by the time I knew
there was a body there wasn't.

And now that it's
back, he's taking it.

You won't let her do the
autopsy? The deputy coroner

insists... it is
out of my hands.

I am so tempted not to tell
him who the real murderer is.

Rupert Leverton.

Who is Rupert Leverton?

Well, he's the guy that
broke Lorenzo Kotch's nose.

Uh, well, thanks. I'll bring
him in for questioning.

I've already questioned
him... this afternoon.

Amanda, Leverton's
a dangerous man.

Look what he did to Kotch!

And in throwing that punch,
he got a cut on his hand.

Which was sutured
right here in this hospital

at lunch time... the
time of the murder.

He told you? Didn't have to.

The bandage I saw had that
same little tuck that Jack makes

when he tightens the gauze.

Jack was the doctor?

Oh, I'd bet on it. That
bandage is like a signature.

Well, thanks Amanda...
that sounds like a real lead.

AMANDA: A lead?!
I'm telling you.

That man is your murderer.

Sloan, this is no time
for a birthday gathering.

You're supposed to
be with the inspectors.

They're complaining
that they haven't

seen anything... no sooner
do they arrive in a room,

then you ushered
them back out again.

Norman, uh...
something's come up.

Could you send them home early?

I'll give them a
full tour tomorrow.

(whispering): Are you
crazy? I just can't tell

accreditation inspectors
to go home early.

What will they think?

Norman, a murder has
been committed here.

The police are in there
examining the scene.

The coroner's team is
here to take the body away.

Now, what would our
inspectors think of that?

I'll give them the heave-ho.

A murder.

What's with these
new security people?

First the man with the
baseball bat and now this.

A man with a baseball bat?

Oh, him! It's
quite a thing, huh?

I got so nervous I was dizzy.

Well, I don't blame
you. A man with a bat...

Well, actually the
bat wasn't so bad.

I just get butterflies
around celebrities.

What, he was famous? Yeah.

He's th-the sports
reporter on, um...

uh... KCDM... you know,
that all headline station.

Was that Stan Bidell? I
listen to him all the time.

What'd he want?

To see a patient. Which one?

I can't remember the name.

Uh... fellow wasn't
seeing anybody.

Uh...

he'd just had a broken nose set.

I tried to tell
Mr. Bidell that...

but, uh... he just
kind of went, uh...

WOMAN: Hey,
batter, batter, batter!

BOY: Jason, don't
choke it man, come on!

The next cage is empty.

Oh, this one's
faster. I'll wait.

Say, I recognize your voice.

Aren't you that
guy on the radio?

"Stan Bidell with
sports for you.

Every quarter past, every
quarter to." Yeah, right.

Shouldn't you be at work?

It's just a few blocks away.

I've got 25 minutes
between broadcasts.

Five to get here.

Five to get back.

And 15 to work
out the aggression.

Yeah, that's why I'm here,
too. I gotta hit something.

Have you ever been
married? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, me, too.

Now she wants a divorce.

I hired some hot shot lawyer.

You ever hear of Lorenzo Kotch?

Kotch?!

Yeah, I know Kotch
the Cockroach.

He's my ex-wife's attorney.

No kidding.

I'll bet he hit you up some
big time alimony, huh?

World class.

But he doesn't
just stop at that.

Not Lorenzo P. Kotch.

Oh, yeah? What'd he do?

I was on my way to an audition

last week in New
York, a network job.

Pulled up to a red light.

Two marshals jumped
out, seized my car,

and left me
standing on the curb.

By the time I got
back to the audition,

the execs had headed East

and the job had headed South.

Thanks to Lorenzo P. Kotch.

Don't worry.

Your wife won't be hiring Kotch.

I made sure he's never going
to be anyone's lawyer ever again.

Stanley Bidell.

Lieutenant Sloan, homicide.

I'm taking you
in for questioning

in connection with the
murder of Lorenzo P. Kotch.

Murder? You think I killed him?

Well, you did say, quote,
"You made sure that he'd never

be anybody's lawyer ever again."

I brought him up on charges
with the Bar Association.

You know, I might have bought
that but you made a big scene

in front of a bunch of people
at Community General today,

demanding to see Kotch.

Which puts you at the
scene of the murder.

Well, I wasn't there long.
I had to get back to work.

Community General
is two blocks that way.

If you can be here
in five minutes,

you can be there
in five minutes.

And five minutes back.

Which leaves you
15 minutes to, uh,

work out the aggression.

Anybody that can
swing a bat like that

could do some real
damage with a night stick.

Come on.

(knock on door)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hi-yah!

Got you, Peeping Tom!

No, I'm not a Peeping Tom.

Yeah? What were you doing at
the locker room window, pervert?

I... Would you relax
with the sticks, lady?

I'm a doctor at Community
General. We met today, remember?

Oh, a Peeping Tom with a degree!

The first man who
attacked me was a lawyer!

A lawyer? Yeah, a famous one.

Instead of helping
me with my divorce,

he forced himself on me
while I was vulnerable.

It doesn't surprise me.

You know the difference
between a lawyer and a catfish?

I... Look.

I'm a doctor! Really! Okay?

The Hippocratic
Oath and all that stuff!

After that shyster, I
learned to defend myself.

I got three black belts.

If you'd have touched me,
I'd have bashed your face in.

If you're not out of here

by the time I count
to three, I will.

One! Fine!

Two!

Three!

Hee-yah!

He-e-e-yah! Ho!

(tires screeching)

AMANDA: Won't you reconsider?

I'm here. He's here. I'm sorry.

But now that I've got
a suspect in custody,

I've got to do
everything by the book.

You arrested Leverton?

No. Stan Bidell.

The baseball bat
guy? Forget about him!

I told you, the
real killer is...

All right. This time you saw it.

You put it in here.
This is your mark.

Don't say it. Don't
you dare say it.

This time you lost it.

I have a little something
here for you, Doctor.

Oh, thank you, Delores.
You're a lifesaver.

Oh, isn't that interesting.

And only this morning
I wasn't good enough

to invite to a birthday lunch.

Delores, I am sorry if I ever
let anything bad happen to you.

Would you do me
the honor of joining me

for a birthday dinner?

(laughing): Kind of
hard to believe you care.

You still haven't
opened my present.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm going to do it right
this minute and if I don't,

I hope lightning
strikes me dead.

Mark, would you tell
him that it's not my fault.

Part of a pathologist's job
is keeping track of the body.

The body is gone again?

DELORES (chuckles): See
you around. No, wait, wait.

Don't leave. I got to go.

I don't want to be
standing too close

when the lightning strikes.

Ms. Mitchell. Mr. Briggs.

Amigo, I'm glad
you're still here.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

I just want to
express my thanks.

For what, Norman?

Well, I checked the log

in the morgue,

and there's no record
of a murdered man.

In the past, you
and your colleagues

have tried, against my advice,

to solve certain
murders yourselves.

But at this sensitive time,
with the inspection and all,

you did the wise
thing and covered up.

I'm grateful, Mark.

Norman, I don't want
to disappoint you,

but we-we didn't
cover up anything.

But the morgue log...
Had no record of a body

because we lost it.

What?

Well, the last time
it reappeared...

You lost it more than once?!

Well, it's all right.

The inspectors didn't see it.

Thank God for small
favors. That's a blessing.

But promise me you won't
go off trying to solve this one.

It's not like we
go out of our way

to get involved in
murder investigations.

JACK: Hey, well,

it almost killed me, but...

I know who the murderer is.

I told you before, Mark,
it's Nora Stebbings.

Nora St... Dr. Nora
Stebbings? Mm-hmm.

Not the chairperson
of the inspection team.

That's the one, Norm.

No. You cannot accuse her.

She can bury us, Mark.

JACK: I'm accusing
her because she did it.

See, she hated Kotch
because he assaulted her

while he was her
divorce attorney.

Jack, there's no way
that tiny little woman

could have dealt a death blow.

Oh, yeah, there is, Mark.

This woman's a black belt.

I saw her working those,
those sticks like Bruce Lee.

It was unbelievable.

She almost killed me.

Well, then, it could be her.

No, it couldn't.

She was never out
of anyone's sight.

Except for when we all went
upstairs and she wasn't there.

She's innocent.

You've got to believe me.

I believe you, Mr. Briggs.

Because the real killer
is Rupert Leverton.

He was here in this hospital.

Jack, you bandaged his hand.

And from there, Leverton
went to look for Kotch.

And then... Wait a minute.

Leverton is the guy whose
hand I sutured today?

Exactly.

Then he didn't do
it. Of course he did it.

He did not. He did, too.

I gave this guy
five cc's of procaine

along the digital nerve.

Now, for the next hour,

he couldn't lift a straw

let alone a nightstick.

Which just goes to
support my theory...

Stan Bidell.

The man practically confessed.

He said he fixed it

so that Kotch would
never be a lawyer again.

MARK: You know, Steve, that
fits in with something I found out.

What?

I called a lawyer friend
of mine about Kotch.

He said that somebody had filed
charges against him this morning

with the, uh, Bar Association.

Well, Bidell may have said
something about the ABA.

But still, he was here today

demanding to see Kotch

and waving a baseball bat.

Security had to disarm him.

Security.

We didn't exactly disarm him.

MARK: You didn't?

That bat was worth a fortune.

He bought it at some
charity auction that morning.

It was the bat that Hank
Aaron hit his last homerun with.

He even autographed it.

So we let him keep it,
and then we released him.

You just let him go
carrying a weapon?

No, sir. We escorted
him to his car.

What time was that?

(beeping)

1:35.

Still works.

Bidell's in his car at 1:35.

Drives around the side of the
building, climbs in the window.

He doesn't want to
mess up Hank's bat,

so he kills Kotch
with a nightstick.

He only needs five minutes
to get back to the studio

and be on the air at 1:45.

You're not talking
about the Stan Bidell?

The sports reporter

on KCDM?

Right.

He was on the air at 1:40.

Well, the Marquette
game had just ended.

He did a live bulletin
with the score,

said he'll have the whole story

during his regular
broadcast at 1:45.

You listen to the sports report?

I had a nickel on the game.

A nickel.

Norman, good work.

What?

You just narrowed it
down to one suspect...

The chairwoman of
the inspection team.

Mr. Briggs. Dr. Sloan.

Dr. Stebbings, this
is my son, Steve.

Yes.

I'm afraid I'm here
on official business.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Questions I'm sure
you could answer.

May we come in?

Mm.

Thank you.

Um... what is this all about?

There was a murder
at the hospital today.

A murder?

A fluke.

It could have happened
at any hospital.

STEVE: Someone you knew.

A Lorenzo P. Kotch.

He's dead?

Well, it's about time.

(Stebbings laughs)

You seem unperturbed.

Why wouldn't she?

The man was universally hated.

STEVE: Dr. Stebbings,

at the hospital today,

you disappeared for a
short while at about 1:30.

Mind telling me where you were?

Yes.

See? She's willing to cooperate.

No, I meant, yes, I'd mind.

I don't have to
tell you anything.

And who could blame her?

That was a very personal
question, Lieutenant Sloan.

MARK: Dr. Stebbings,

you're a murder suspect.

It'd be much better if you
told us where you were.

You'll get nothing from me.

Dr. Stebbings, I'm
gonna have to take you

in for questioning in connection

with the murder of
Lorenzo P. Kotch.

No, you can't arrest her.

Mr. Lubin.

Edward, stay out of this.

Edward?

LUBIN: Well, she's

no murderer.

I can prove it.

Edward, don't say anything.

And watch you be arrested?

I'll tell you where
she was at 1:30.

STEBBINGS: Edward.

LUBIN: She was with me.

We were...

being intimate.

"Intimate" as in...?

All right, it's not
very professional...

Two inspectors commandeering
a hospital bed to...

disport themselves...

But... it isn't a capital crime.

(sighs)

I don't believe it.

Now we've narrowed
it down to no suspects.

It's a nightmare.

A murder, bodies
disappearing, reappearing.

And all under the nose
of the new security firm.

I wanted to impress the
inspectors, not scare them.

I should dump them, Steve.

You know, Sherlock Holmes said,

"Once you've
eliminated the impossible,

"whatever remains,
however improbable,

must be the truth."

(knocking)

(hockey game playing on TV)

(knocking)

Coming.

Briggs.

What do you want?

Mr. McReedy, how
can I ever apologize?

Hmm.

These new security
people are terrible.

Metal detectors,
monitors, badges...

And all for nothing.

There's even been a murder.

Really?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Look, I know we
don't deserve it,

but would you consider
taking your old job back?

Hospital security
needs a personal touch.

Needs you, sir.

Briggs... (chuckles)

you eat crow pretty good.

You'll come back?

I'll be there tomorrow.

Great news, Mr. McReedy.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, sir.

♪ ♪

It's all over.

Ralphie?

Son, it is you?

How did you know?

I stopped asking myself
why the killer hated Kotch.

Everybody hated Kotch.

So I asked myself why
the killer left the body

in a public place.

Why?

I never meant to hurt anyone.

I just wanted to steal

some controlled substances
from the pharmacy.

And Kotch surprised you.

RALPH: Yeah.

He started shouting.

I saw the nightstick
there on the filing cabinet,

and I grabbed it, just
to scare him, you know?

But...

then he started to
run for help, and, uh...

next thing I knew, I hit him.

It's bad enough you gambled.

But drugs, too?

No, Dad... never.

It's just that when somebody
steals addictive drugs

from the hospital pharmacy,

they've got to
notify the police.

And I figured, if that happened
in front of the inspectors,

the hospital would
blame Techno-Sure,

and you could
have your job back.

But no drugs were stolen.

The cabinet was tampered
with but not opened.

MARK: That's because
he ran out of time

in his struggle with Kotch.

Right, Ralph?

That's when you realized you
had something better than drugs

to embarrass Techno-Sure with.

You had a murder.

And right under their noses.

All you had to do was leave
the body in the inspectors' path.

MARK: And that's why
you kept moving the body.

But, Ralphie, you were
okay about me retiring.

You knew I'd be
happy living in the cabin.

The cabin, Dad?

That's kind of the point.

I owed certain people too much.

I had no other way out than
to sign the cabin over to them.

Well, it was mine.

You transferred
title to me last year.

For tax purposes only, not
so you could gamble it away.

But, Dad, these guys
were gonna kill me.

Ralph McReedy,
you're under arrest

for the murder of
Lorenzo P. Kotch.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you...

You people realize
it's after hours?

You are fired.

May I see your badge, please?

(laughing)

Badge.

You're still fired.

(chuckles)

Time to close it up.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night, Mark.
Good night, Dad.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, we'll send
that stripper over.

My birthday.

Delores... would you, uh,

mind if we didn't have
that birthday dinner tonight?

Honey, I'm too
tired to be hungry.

Just open my damn present.

You got it.

I'm looking forward to this.

(chuckles)

It's not a joke, is it?

No. (laughing): Okay.

Oh, a shoe box.

Just what I always wanted.

Keep going.

Tap shoes!

Oh, Delores, how sweet.

They're not just
any old tap shoes.

They belonged to Mr. Bojangles.

So I'm giving them to you.

Bojangles?

Bojangles.

These belonged to the man.

The main man.

Oh, Delores, thank you.

(chuckles)

♪ Eastside, Westside ♪

♪ All around the town ♪

(chuckles) ♪ Tots sing ♪

♪ Ring around Rosie ♪

♪ London Bridge
is falling down ♪

(chuckles)

♪ Boys and girls ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Me and Molly O'Rourke ♪

♪ Trip the light fantastic ♪

♪ On the sidewalks
of New York. ♪