Diagnosis Murder (1993–2001): Season 2, Episode 15 - Call Me Incontestable - full transcript
Mark is startled his friend Alex Forman doesn't turn up for the dinner he promised Alex for passing his bar exam, then finds him, apparently suicide by hanging. Steve would believe the suicide note, Mark insists to investigate why Alan join the dating service Perfect Couple, especially when it turns out to have had more suicides among its members. So eminently eligible Dr. Jack Stewart joins, with a 'biography' written by Amanda and Dolores for the perfect man, which causes female members and staff to swarm and hound the poor darling. Indeed his beautiful first date Gloria Kinley, a terribly spoiled shrew, has dated three suicided men, and talks about 'fixing' them, while her ex Clete Kinley proves rather obsessive, and hits Jack a black eye. Relatives denying suicide may be a matter of life insurance terms. Gloria allows only Mark to 'guard' her and proves the more aggressive party. The Sloans set a trap and change their minds...
♪ ♪
(horn honking) MARK: Ah.
Nice place. Homey.
I hate this.
And look what the
beach does to my hair.
Admit it, Mark.
This is a blind date.
Amanda, it is not a blind date.
I am having dinner
with some friends;
one of them is you. And one of
them is some guy named Alex
that I've never even heard of.
This is a blind date.
Alex Forman has
been a patient for years.
I promised him a gourmet dinner
when he passed the bar.
And I know how you
love great food, too.
Well, can't we get takeout?
Alex is a great kid.
He's upbeat. He's
funny. He's handsome.
But no way is this a blind date.
Ooh, look at the time.
I better call him and tell
him to come on out here.
We'll miss our reservation.
(phone ringing) Well,
good, maybe he forgot.
Let's go. No, wait a minute.
Alex isn't the type to forget.
I'm going to have a look.
(dogs barking in distance)
(heart monitor beeping)
(heart monitor flatlining)
(theme song playing)
♪ ♪
(police officers
talking indistinctly)
It's, uh, pretty
straightforward.
Suicide. Steve,
that isn't possible.
Alex was a sunshiny kid.
He had everything to live for.
Dad, every time
somebody commits suicide,
all his friends say what
a happy guy he was.
You couldn't know
what was in his mind.
Yeah, but still...
Look, there was no forced entry.
There was no scuffle.
Looks like a classic suicide.
But isn't it a bit suspicious
there was no note?
Lieutenant, this
was in his pocket.
Well, how do we know
that's his signature?
Uh, here's a signed letter.
AMANDA: Well, we know now.
Steve, this telephone
smells of cologne.
He probably put it on
for his evening with us.
I think he was talking to
somebody on this phone
just before he died.
Could you use the police
computer to check and see
what calls were made and
received on this phone tonight?
Dad, we don't do that
kind of investigation
with a suicide, not
when there's a note.
Come on. For your dad.
For your old man, all right? No.
Here's the list.
All the calls on Alex's phone
the hour before he died.
You know, helping out
like this is going to cost me
my job one of these days.
Not that I'd mind.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Charlotte broke up with me.
Oh, no. I thought this
one was going someplace.
It was.
Right in the dumper.
She couldn't stand
my being a cop.
I'm sorry.
But don't worry, my friend,
you have a lot to offer
and there are a lot of
fish out there in the...
Hello. What?
Alex's last phone call
was to Perfect Couples.
The dating service? Why?
Well, doesn't that strike
you as kind of odd?
Hey, a lot of people
join dating services.
I did once. Of
course, no one wanted
to date a cop, so they
had to give my money back.
Well, as I say,
you have a lot to offer.
There's a lot of fish
out there in the sea.
And why would Alex
call a dating service?
When a man's
about to kill himself,
the last thing he
thinks about is a date.
It's an anomaly.
Could you tap
into that computer?
What am I looking for?
Well, maybe there's
some connection between
this dating service
and Alex's death.
You mean he couldn't get
a date, so he killed himself?
You're probably right.
I'm grasping at straws here.
Well, anyway, thanks for this.
And, uh...
buck up, my friend.
There's a lot of ladies
who enjoyed your company.
Barbara, Laura, Melissa...
Spare me the pep talk, will you?
Melissa.
Melissa...
Hi, Melissa. It's Steve.
Steve Sloan.
Oh, how can you say that?
I was never obsessed
with my work.
Dad, what are you doing?
Uh, probably just
wasting people's time here.
I'm sorry. Go back to work.
Hi, I'm back. Uh...
Melissa, I've been
thinking a lot about you
the past couple of months.
Really?
The point is...
I think that now I am ready
to commit to this relationship
a hundred and...
Another printout?!
What are you doing
with all those printouts?
Taking them back
to the hospital. Why?
Look, I am sorry I
disrupted your routine.
Please, everybody,
as you were, okay?
I'm out of here.
So, uh, how about
dinner tonight?
Mariachis,
margaritas...
Melissa? Melissa? Hello?
Perfect.
What did my father
want with you?
He asked for a list
of all male suicides
from last year.
Only took a second to get it.
And what did he want with you?
He gave me the suicide list
and asked how many
belonged to some
dating service: Perfect Couples.
How many? Three.
Three from the same service?
Oh, that's got to be
a coincidence, huh?
I mean, what are the odds?
According to the computer?
64 million
to one.
That high?
Amigo.
Dr. Sloan, time for the
budget projections meeting.
Oh, golly, Norman.
Uh, could we do it later?
Maybe around 3:00?
I have some important
staff decisions here.
Well, staff decisions
are important.
Carry on.
So everyone have an assignment?
Yeah. I go to the library
and look for the news
items about the suicides
of Ralph Trager and
Jerome Kitchener.
Since Trager, Kitchener
and your friend Alex Forman
were all members of the
Perfect Couples dating service,
I'm going to snoop
around there and see
if the connection
runs a little deeper.
While I check out Mr. Kitchener.
And I do the same
with Ralph Trager.
MAN: Hmm, Trager.
Trager, let's see, mmm... yeah.
Ah, here we are.
Ralph Trager.
Fancy ceremony, I remember.
Catholic.
A Catholic funeral
for a suicide?
Oh, the police said suicide.
The ex-wife said, "No way."
So did his mom.
She was concerned
about where his immortal
soul was shipping to,
so the priest gave it
the benefit of the doubt.
Can you tell me where
I can reach the family?
I'm sorry, we only keep
the complete file six months.
The mom was from out of town
and the ex...
I don't remember her name.
All I remember, really, is that
they were certain he
hadn't killed himself.
They're not the only ones.
Yes? Are you Jerome
Kitchener's mother?
Why? I'm Suzanne.
Jerome didn't mention me?
We used to date.
Then why didn't you call
him "Bud" like everybody else?
Because we were beyond
conventional nicknames.
You don't fool me.
You're a statistician for
that Self-Termination Society.
No, I have nothing to do
with... You people have
called once a month
since Bud died, trying to get
information for your database.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
He didn't kill himself!
Excuse me.
How can I help you? Um...
Doctor. What?
Oh. (giggles)
Sorry about that.
Um...
I'm thinking of joining.
Really? Uh-huh.
Oh, a handsome,
educated fellow like you
has trouble meeting women?
I keep strange hours and, um...
Do you like pot roast? Yeah.
Why? Well, I just
got a new crockpot,
and I was looking for
a way to inaugurate it.
WOMAN: Fawn, aren't you supposed
to buzz me when we have
a prospective new member?
I was about to.
I'm Tonya Gilpin. I'm
Director of Membership.
Hi, how're you doin'?
Oh, fine. Thank you.
Would you care to come
to my office? Thank you.
We're in business here, darling,
not in heat.
Right.
TONYA: So all of
our members provide
photographs of
themselves and they fill out
one of these biography forms.
And the only identification
is the first name and
membership number.
And together these make
one page in a membership book.
Yours would go in the men's book
and this, of course,
is the women's book.
Yeah, I noticed.
Hey, suppose I, um...
find somebody
that I want to meet?
Well, you tell us, we notify her
that someone is interested.
She comes down and looks
at your bio and your photo,
and if she returns
your interest,
then we give you each other's
full names and phone numbers.
And anonymity is total
until the feeling is mutual.
That's it?
To... to meet somebody,
all I've got to do is ask?
Unless she moves first
and asks to meet you,
but, um, none of this can
happen unless you join.
(knocking, opening door)
FAWN: Miss Gilpin?
There are some checks
for you to sign up front.
Okay.
Look, I'll be back
in a few moments.
Um, can you keep
yourself amused?
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
If we cut the fat
from that department,
from now it'll be a lean,
mean fighting machine.
Mm, just what everyone's
looking for in Obstetrics.
Mark, the Kitcheners
had a problem
with their insurance
and then... Dr. Bentley,
it took me all day
to get Dr. Sloan
to attend this budget meeting.
Unless this kitchen thing
is very important, we will...
It can wait. It can wait.
But, uh, I do have
a budget request
for the Pathology lab.
I found one news item.
It mentions Ralph Trager.
Is this medical or non?
It was in the business section?
Why do I bother to ask?
Listen, it's about how cautious
the underwriters are getting.
Trager's ex-wife complained
when No Risk Insurance
wouldn't pay after his death.
Maybe that's why she
claims it wasn't suicide.
Well, Jerome Kitchener's
mother claimed the same thing.
She insisted that her son
would not have killed himself.
They probably knew the insurance
companies don't pay on suicide.
NORMAN: Yes,
they do. They have to.
That's the incontestable clause.
Incontestable clause?
They explained it
when I bought my policy.
The company has two
years to establish any reason
to suspect fraud,
a pre-existing
medical condition, say,
or a suicidal disposition.
Once the policy's
been in effect two years,
it's incontestable.
They have to pay
off no matter what.
Well, they didn't
pay off on Trager.
Well, then, I guess the policy
was less than two years old.
MARK: Norman,
let me ask you
this... Wait, everyone.
This is not a
non-medical meeting.
This is a budget meeting.
Is it too much to
ask for all of us
to confine our discussions
to hospital finances?
Dr. Bentley,
you had a request for pathology?
Yes, I would like a part-time
lab assistant, please.
Who and how much?
Gloria. $42,789.
Gloria. Forty-two thou...
You think we're made of money!?
She's a member
of Perfect Couples.
Name is Gloria,
membership #42789.
And, Mark, ready for this?
At one time or another,
she dated all three suicides.
She did? Uh-huh.
What's her last name? I'm sorry.
Aft... tell me after
the budget meeting.
Oh, no, no.
Actually, I'd like to
know her last name.
The computer
wouldn't give it to me.
You need a password.
But I can date her.
Her?
How?
Well, I just join the
service. Ask to meet her.
If she says yes, then
they give me her full name
and her phone number.
The only problem, though, is
I gotta fill out one of these...
questionnaire
things about myself.
I never know what to
write on these things.
Just list your
good points, baby.
I don't got much paper on me.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Delores and I would be
happy to take care of this.
As a matter of fact, Perfect
Couples is on my way home.
I'd be happy to drop off
the whole packet for you.
Really? Yeah.
Well, great. Okay.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I've always wanted
to do this. Me, too!
Mm-hmm. Do what?
Create Mr. Right.
(phone ringing)
(Jack yawns)
(phone continues ringing)
Yeah?
GLORIA: Jack Stewart?
(sighing): Yeah?
This is Gloria.
Who?
Gloria. 42789.
From Perfect Couples.
It is?
At 6:00 in the morning?
I read your bio
and I didn't want
to wait.
So, what are you doing tonight?
I can't believe I'm finally
sitting here with you.
When I read your
bio, it was like...
instant soul mate. (chuckles)
I mean... Mozart?
Hmm?
Mozart. You know.
Oh, right, um...
the other guy.
Not, uh, not F. Murray
what's-his-name.
I liked that movie.
Thank you.
What's this?
Your salad.
Where's the dressing?
WAITER: Oh, it's on there.
Exactly!
I beg your pardon?
I ordered my dressing
on the side.
If your brain's too small
to remember things,
try writing them down!
That's what the
little pad is for.
I'm going to speak
to your manager, Otto.
Now take this salad back
to the kitchen and bring it back
(shouting): with the
dressing on the side!
(giggles) (clears throat)
You probably think I
was a bit harsh with Otto.
Don't you see, Jack?
He only did that
because I'm a woman,
because he thought I'd be
too weak and too frightened
to say anything.
I learned that from
my ex-husband.
That's why I got rid of him.
Really? And how,
how did you do that?
Let's just say his
hunting days are over.
(chuckles)
And when I joined
Perfect Couples,
a couple of guys there tried
to take advantage of me,
so I had to fix them, too.
Well, you've been very busy.
(giggles)
Listen, you don't
have to walk me
all the way to my
apartment. Oh, good.
'Cause I gotta get up
really early in the morning
anyway, so, uh...
No trespassing!
No trespassing!
Oh!
(moans)
I'm fed up with this.
I really am.
Every time I leave
this hospital, I get hit.
'Cause you got a
mouth on you, Jack.
Ow!
Oh, I'm barely touching
you, you big baby.
Doctors are the
worst patients of all.
Hi, Steve. Hi, guys.
Oh, thanks for coming, Steve.
Well, it's not like
I date or anything.
So, Jack, do you have any idea
why the guy did this to you?
No, I have no idea.
All this guy did was yell,
"No trespassing!" and he hit me.
Well, I can't open up
a murder investigation
to check out an
overzealous groundskeeper.
What... I, what are
you talking about?
This guy could be behind
the suicide murders.
Well, then how
come you're alive?
And how come the dead
guys didn't have any bruises
and you've got a beauty?
MARK: Good point, Steve.
This MO isn't like
any of the others at all.
This is an act of passion,
not premeditation.
I think our killer's
a real cucumber.
Is this Gloria...
a cucumber?
No.
She's more like
a Jekyll and Hyde.
I mean, one minute she's,
she's all sweet and nice and...
the next minute she's like...
reaming this waiter
royally about the salad.
It was unbelievable.
And then she goes on to tell me
how she got even with a couple
of guys from Perfect Couples.
So it could be her.
MARK: At the very
least she's linked
to the three dead men.
What do you say we go find out
what "no trespassing"
means to her?
No trespassing?! Oh,
my God, he's back!
Who's back?
Clete.
My ex-husband.
He was in Donnemoor
for aggravated assault.
He always said he'd
get me when he go out.
Then how come he got me?
Because you were with me.
When we were married,
Clete said I was his property.
That's what "no
trespassing" means.
He thinks someone's been...
tilling his land.
He'll come after me next.
Oh, I think you're safe for now.
He probably drained
himself emotionally
when he did that to Jack.
I doubt he'll be back up
to frenzy for a few days.
Well, to be sure, you should
stay someplace else tonight.
I've got an extra
bed at my place.
You?!
Look what Clete did to you
and I didn't even like you.
You didn't?
Actually, you should be guarded
by someone with experience.
I am a police officer, a
lieutenant, as it happens.
GLORIA: A cop?! I'd rather die!
God, men are so
full of themselves.
MARK: Gloria, to be
safe you really should be
with someone tonight.
I'm not gonna let
Clete chase me out
of my own apartment!
Well, then you'd better
let somebody stay here.
How about you?
Wha... me?!
I trust you.
Well, I...
well, I suppose so.
I guess, uh...
what do you think?
You know, this
ex-husband of hers
can really hurt your father.
We'd better find him fast.
That guy just got
out of Donnemoor.
He probably reports
to a parole officer.
That's a good idea.
That Gloria is really
something, isn't she?
Yeah. Tell me about it.
How do you figure
we both struck out?
I guess she goes for older guys.
Well, maybe I'll
start dying my hair.
Gray! (laughing)
(door closes)
Know why I picked you
to stay with me tonight?
Because you trust me.
Well, that's part of it.
But also when you said Clete
would be emotionally drained,
I could tell you knew what
you were talking about.
Well, I want a man
who knows what he's doing.
Not someone with a lot
of muscles to show off.
Well, I'm just exactly
the man for that job.
(giggles)
Good night.
AMANDA: Jack,
honestly, I can hardly see it.
JACK: Yeah.
I can hardly see
out of it. All right?
You're the worse liar ever.
Good morning,
all. It's not that bad.
Hi. Hi, Steve.
Clete Kinley's parole
officer sent that over.
Yeah, that's him.
That's the guy that hit me.
You mind if I take this and
show it around Perfect Couples?
Maybe he'll look
familiar to somebody.
Keep it. I got copies.
All right. Thanks.
If I leave now, I can get
back here before my rounds.
I'm gonna check out
Mr. Kinley's apartment.
All right, I'll talk to
you later. See you.
See you later. Uh-huh.
I made him pay a
month in advance.
A transient, you know.
The kind that skips
town owing you money.
Well, this one isn't
going anywhere.
It's a condition of his parole.
A parolee?
There's no danger.
Oh, my God.
Good morning.
I need to ask you...
Good morning, Doctor. Hi.
Your ears must
have been burning.
A few of our members
asked to meet you.
Yeah? How many?
Uh, 62.
(laughs)
It's a new record.
(sighs)
Wow, that was some
biography you wrote.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, this one.
Fawn, 40167?
Mm-hmm?
Guess who that is?
Well, I... I think I can
figure that one out.
Anyway, I wanted
to-to ask you... Yes?
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi. I'm Bunni.
Hey, Bunni. How you doing?
(giggling): Good.
I hope you don't
think I'm forward,
waiting here for you to come in.
Don't listen to her.
It was my idea to wait here.
I loved your bio and didn't
want to let a minute go by.
You loved his bio?
I had to explain to you
what Armagnac was.
Armagnac?
Oh, poor baby.
Do you want me to put a
cold compress on that for you?
No, I'm okay. Sticky buns?
I know you love things
hot from the oven.
Doctor? Yeah.
Um... can I see
you in my office?
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
S-Stop it!
Thank you.
Sorry if I interrupted.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
It was like, uh...
It was like being attacked
by friendly piranha.
(laughs) Even your receptionist.
Well, she was within her rights.
We do allow members
to date staff.
Any staff.
Really?
Isn't that a little weird,
you know, if a relationship
goes bad, you know?
You keep running
into each other.
Well, this is a dating service.
Half the members have
gone out with the other half.
Lord, my ex-husband even
joined for a while, but, um,
Artie and I coped.
Oh, man, I couldn't.
There's no way.
I'm Italian.
When we stop loving, we punish.
Speaking of which,
I'm showing this to some
of the people up here.
Have you seen this guy?
'Cause he hit me
when I dated Gloria.
I was gonna ask you about that.
Yes, I have.
I've seen him many times.
Really? Where?
Well, he haunts this place.
He hangs out in the
alley just watching,
and when I ask
what he's doing here,
he says that he's
here to meet his wife.
Obviously, a lie.
Married people can't join.
Well, what if it's his ex-wife?
(inhales loudly)
Oh, my God!
And he's stalking her?
I will call the police
the next time I see him.
Yeah, all right, you do that.
Yeah, 'cause they
want to talk to him.
Thank you.
(all shouting, screaming)
My God, they're multiplying!
I feel like a Beatle.
No, I-I got to tell you.
I always dreamed this
would happen to me one day,
and now that it's happening...
(muffled shouting) Why
the hell is it happening?
You don't know?
(sighs)
JACK: What's that?
An easy-open bag.
I make them.
Um, I do men's items, too.
Could you use a
portfolio, a tote bag?
Well, maybe, but what
I'm asking is, what is that?
This.
It's the bio you wrote.
It's why all of
this is happening.
(hissing, burbling)
It's terrible.
Three men I dated are dead.
MARK: Mm.
Alex Forman was a terrific kid.
Yeah.
Kind of like you.
Why don't I wind up
with guys like that?
Why is it always
the bozos like Clete?
Fast fists, slow brains.
Mm-hmm.
But still, I-I
can't see him killing anybody.
Yeah, I'm inclined
to agree with you.
This killer was
someone very smart.
Why do you say that?
Well, think about it.
It's hard enough to
make a murder look
like an accident,
and it's even harder
to make one look like a suicide.
How do you get
the victim to hold still
while you put the
noose around his neck?
Oh, that's easy. Drug him.
(coffee cup clinks)
So, name your poison.
Excuse me?
How do you take your cappuccino?
Well, no, uh, sprinkles.
No cinnamon in it, not anything.
So, wouldn't giving him
drugs be a good idea?
Yeah. That... It... Good.
Uh, yeah, that would
be effective, yes.
You haven't touched
your cappuccino.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna touch it now.
(clears throat)
Oh, my God, you think
I killed those men?!
Well, I mean, you did
date them all, you know,
and Jack said something
about you fixing a couple of guys
at Perfect Couples?
Them?! One of
them tried to hit me,
and the other one turned out
to be married, for God's sake!
So you fixed them?
I reported them
to the management
and got them thrown out.
Oh.
(laughs)
Well, here's to, uh,
groundless suspicions.
(both laughing)
And to smart people.
The kind I ought
to be involved with.
What was that for?
Just my way of saying thank you.
Well, you're welcome.
You're more than welcome.
Now what?
Just trying to get
you to notice me.
Oh, I notice you...
I mean, you're a very
attractive young lady.
Very, very, young, young woman.
And you're a very
young, older man.
Uh, Gloria, this-this
is not a good idea.
You know, there is
something really sexy
about a man who
tries to resist me.
D-Do I, by any chance,
resemble your father?
(laughs)
Don't be silly.
Give me time.
I may grow on you.
I, um...
I have to go get ready.
Oh, good.
(cup rattles)
(doorbell rings)
GLORIA: Mark, would you
mind getting that for me?
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Steve, come on in, please.
Well, Dad, you were right.
Kinley was out.
His place is a shrine
to hating Gloria.
I think he's the killer.
I'm gonna make it an
official homicide investigation.
Hmm.
So, how was your night?
Uneventful; totally uneventful.
Mm-hmm.
I thought, uh, Gloria might
know where to find her ex.
Hmm. Would you ask her?
I think you can probably
get more out of her than I can.
Well, I kind of doubt it.
She's been very
circumspect with me.
Oh.
Would you zip me, Markie-poo?
Markie-poo?
She never called me that.
You didn't call me that.
Would you please tell
my son you don't like me?
I do like you.
Well, I mean, not like that.
I do like you like that.
She didn't like me last night.
Nothing happened at all!
Mm-hmm. Here.
Gloria, I'd like
to bring Clete in.
His, uh, landlady doesn't know
where he goes or what he does.
Do you have any thoughts
on the, uh, subject?
He sometimes works
as a weight trainer
in Culver City at the New U Gym.
I'll check it out.
(phone ringing)
This was just a thank you
kiss, you know, for staying.
Sure. Mm-hmm.
Hello?
Uh, yeah, he's here.
Lieutenant, it's for you.
Oh. Thank you.
Sloan.
Alone at last.
Gloria, this has got to stop!
(laughing): What's the matter?
Afraid you'll fall under
the spell of a killer?
(laughs)
All right. Thank you.
Damn it!
What?
That was my friend
at the coroner's office.
They performed the autopsy
on Alex Forman yesterday.
It was death by
asphyxiation from hanging.
No bruises on the
body, no sign of foul play.
No drugs in his system, nothing.
I don't get it.
How do you immobilize someone
for a fake suicide with no drugs
and without leaving
a single bruise?
Dad, you're not listening to me.
When that report is filed,
his death is going to
be listed as a suicide.
Case'll be closed
before I can open it.
The report's not filed yet.
Well, it will be by noon.
Then you still have time
to pick up Clete Kinley.
And I'll have to let him go.
Now what good is that gonna do?
Throw a scare into him.
Maybe if he gets nervous,
he'll, you know, trip himself up.
Look, come on, Steve.
I got to sleep in
my own bed tonight.
Oh, well, forgive me
if I don't sympathize.
But I'll bring him in.
Yeah. See you later.
Okay. Take care.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Delores.
Mark wanted to see me?
Uh, Norman Briggs shanghaied him
into another budget meeting.
(groans) But
they'll be out soon.
Well, I hope so, because...
There you are... the two of you.
You got a problem, Jack?
Mozart?! I like Mozart?!
What, and you don't
know who Mozart is?
I know who he is... he wrote
Anne Klein's Night Music.
Well, actually, it's
Eine kleine Nachtmusik.
This has nothing to do with me!
I don't light candles
in my house.
I don't love cats
and-and-and children.
I don't take two-hour
bubble baths!
And there's no way in hell
Wuthering Heights
is my favorite movie.
Well, okay, but you
wanted this Gloria person
to go out with you, and she did!
So then, the plan worked.
(door opening)
Jack? Yeah.
You learn anything
at Perfect Couples?
Yeah, just that 62 women
want to meet me.
BRIGGS: Sixty-two?
They're even making me gifts.
Look... my new tote bag.
A woman in the club
made this for you?
Well, not exactly.
She was a staff member.
Isn't that a little irregular...
Staff getting
involved with clients?
Well, Tonya says it
happens all the time.
She said her husband...
her ex-husband... even joined
for a little while,
but she and Artie are coping.
I wouldn't mind having
women make me a tote bag.
You know, Norman, I
used to be like you once.
I thought it would
be great, thrilling,
having women chasing
me for a change.
It's a nightmare.
Hmm... well, if you're on a
date, and it doesn't work out,
give her my number.
Good day, gentlemen.
(sighs)
(phone ringing)
Yes?
Someone to see you at reception.
It's a bunch of women.
And one of them's
got a tin of hot muffins.
(both laughing)
Oh, God!
My God, they found me!
Wha... I'm not here.
I'm not anywhere!
(women laughing)
Auf Wiedersehen!
Mark, you wanted to see me?
Need a favor. Oh?
We have a main suspect
in the suicide murders,
but his profile does
not fit the killer's.
I think we need to
find out a little bit more
about the first two victims.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I've located Ralph
Trager's family in Bakersfield.
I know that's a long drive.
Mm. No problem.
That's my girl.
MAN: Excuse me, do you work...?
(second man mumbling)
(weightlifting
equipment clanking)
(indistinct chatter)
(woman laughing)
WOMAN: Talk to
you after my workout.
Can I help you?
Hmm? Yeah.
I'm looking for Clete Kinley.
You're kidding!
I've never seen a cop
arrest someone before.
Are you gonna, like, chase him
up to the roof and everything?
Uh, no, I don't think so, son.
See, that's just something
they do in television
to make a chase
scene more exciting.
Yeah? MAN: Please
put your weights back...
Yeah. You see, nobody
in their right mind
would go up on a roof.
There's only one way up.
You'd be trapping yourself.
Oh.
So where can I find Mr. Kinley?
Uh...
MAN: Enjoy your Tiger, boy?
(laughing)
MAN: You want to use this?
WOMAN: Yeah.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Kinley, it's the police!
Give it up!
I've got a gun.
You don't.
(gunshot)
All the same, Kinley,
you're still trapped.
There's no way down
but the way you came up.
♪ ♪
STEVE: Not only did I lose him,
but the coroner's
report came in,
and Alex Forman's death
has been ruled a suicide.
Kinley ran.
He shot at you.
Oh, he's wanted for attempted
murder and parole violation.
But as far as killing Alex
Forman and the others,
he's free as a proverbial bird.
MARK: What are we supposed
to do, solve this ourselves?
Bet you we could.
If we use bait.
Bait?
Yeah.
Look, we know that this guy
comes out of the
woodwork every time
Gloria goes on a date, right?
So what if...
what if she went
out with someone?
Someone that she liked.
Whoa.
No, I am not bait. Mark...
I'm a hook, I'm a line,
I'm a sinker, I'm not bait.
You'd be safe. I'd follow you
in my car... this way, there'd
be two of us, one of him.
Yeah, and I'm off-duty
tonight, so that'd be three of us.
MARK: Yeah?
What if he jumps me
when you can't see?
Well, we'll put a wire on you.
What the...?
He can't go lending out police
equipment willy-nilly like that.
Can you? Of course
he can do willy-nilly.
Come on, he's
your son, he's a cop.
Yeah, I'll just
requisition a transmitter.
Come on, Mark, you'd
be safe as a triple-A bond.
What do you say?
Well, I'll do it,
but I'm gonna hate it.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, listen, um...
one small piece of advice.
You surprise him, not
the other way around.
If you don't, you're dead.
Guy's got a right
like a pile driver.
That's how he got me.
Thanks, Jack.
No problem.
MARK: I'm pulling up
to the curb now. Over.
We're in front
of the restaurant.
Where are you guys? Over.
I am getting out
of the car. Over.
Good evening, sir.
Here you go. Thank you.
MARK (over radio): I
am helping Gloria out.
Over.
Don't do that, Gloria.
Clete won't be jealous if it
doesn't look like a real date.
Oh, right. Okay.
We're walking
towards the restaurant.
Over.
(chuckles)
We are going into
the restaurant. Over.
I guess I should have told him
he doesn't have to
say "over" every time.
(laughing)
We are in the restaurant. Over.
This way, please.
No sign of Kinley. Over.
Sloan.
Oh, God.
Norman, what a surprise.
BRIGGS: You can say that again.
(Briggs laughing)
I know you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Hi, I'm Gloria. Ms. Kinley.
Perfect Couples.
(laughing): No, no.
We're not a perfect couple.
She's a friend of the family.
Old, old friend.
We sort of met through
Perfect Couples.
I saw your picture.
Oh, are you a member?
NORMAN: Oh, no, not yet,
but I'm thinking of joining,
first thing in the morning.
Norman, this is not
what it looks like.
This is not a date.
This is strictly business.
Then I guess you
wouldn't care to join us.
I'm having dinner with some
of the hospital board members.
We want to be alone. (chuckles)
No, we don't want to
be alone, we have to be.
I mean, we need to be.
Enough said.
(chuckles)
You dog, you.
(chuckles)
WAITER: Right this way, sir.
Miss? Uh, your menu?
I'm having the
stuffed lobster. Over.
And I'll have the
blackened redfish.
Gloria's having a
blackened redfish. Over.
And an arugula salad.
Over.
Oh, and should we have
Grand Marnier
soufflé for dessert?
Mmm. Good.
MARK: Over.
GLORIA: Did you get that order?
WAITER: Yes.
And have you had a chance to...
Stuff's making my stomach growl.
Ready for a sandwich now?
Yeah, great, before I eat
the steering wheel, huh?
WAITER: We do have
a delightful Cabernet.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do that again.
Do what? Open it?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Don't bogart the sandwiches,
man... give me one.
That busboy over there,
doesn't that look
like your ex-husband?
No, wait, you got to
see him from the side.
Will you relax and just
enjoy your time with me?
Gloria, I'm much
too old for you.
Okay, you're older.
But you're the kind of
man I want it all with...
A country cottage, towels
with our initials on them,
fresh-baked muffins
every morning.
Initials.
Of c... R.T.!
Of course!
We have to go.
Steve. Steve. Over.
Dad, I know who the killer is.
I know, and it's
not Clete Kinley.
It's not? What was your clue?
Initials.
Perfect... wait'll
you hear mine.
(doorbell rings)
Hi. Hi.
Ms. Gilpin? Yeah.
Amanda Bentley.
May I come in?
I'm a friend of,
uh, Ralph Trager.
Who?
Oh, come now, Miss Gilpin.
Certainly you haven't
forgotten who Mr. Trager is.
As a matter of fact,
he mentioned you
in his suicide note.
What?
Yes. I found this
at his parents'
house in Bakersfield.
Come in.
Thank you.
Oh!
What are you doing?!
What do you think... Oh!
What do you think you're doing?
You can't get away
with this, you know.
There's no... Oh!
(muffled screaming)
Thank you very much for this.
(exhales)
(wry laugh)
Oh, look, I've torn it.
And again.
You see, my dear,
I've worked too long and
hard making it look like
Ralph wasn't a suicide
to let people know it was.
So he didn't leave a note, see?
It was murder.
(muffled screams)
But you... on the other hand,
who know much too much,
will be a suicide.
(cocks gun)
You're going to shoot yourself.
Yours will be
the only prints on the gun.
Police!
Drop the gun!
Now!
(muffled screaming)
Push it over here.
Amanda, are you all right?
Huh? You okay?
I've been better.
What brought you to me?
Figured out how you immobilized
your victims without bruises.
Padded bonds
using fabric fasteners.
MARK: And I figured out
who your ex-husband was.
"Artie" wasn't his name,
it was his monogram.
"R.T." for Ralph Trager.
Who, sad to say, actually
did commit suicide.
But I thought we
were trying to prove
that these were all murders?
Well, the other two
were, right, Tonya?
All except your ex-husband.
I should have killed him.
He was hateful.
Wanted me broke.
Never sent the alimony.
But the one thing
he couldn't stop:
the divorce agreement made
him take out a life insurance policy
with me as the beneficiary.
A million-dollar payoff,
and no way he could
stop me from collecting.
MARK: But he found
a way, didn't he?
Well, someone told
him about that damn
incontestable clause.
Incontestable clause?
AMANDA: Yeah,
if he killed himself
within the first two
years of the policy,
the insurance company
wouldn't have to pay.
TONYA: So he waited
one year and eleven
months exactly.
Then he hung
himself, just to spite me.
But the others?
Jerry Kitchener and Alex
Forman were murders?
Definitely.
One real suicide and two
murders made to look like suicide?
I don't get it.
Well, Tonya thought if
she committed a string
of look-alike killings,
that somebody would
spot the pattern there
and declare her
ex-husband's death a homicide.
And then she'd be able to
collect on the insurance policy.
STEVE: She even
had someone to frame
for all three murders... Clete.
That's why all the victims
were men you dated.
You're as good
at this as your dad.
Guess maybe I was
wrong about you.
We all make mistakes.
Well, I think you and Steve
have a lot of catching up to do.
You don't mind?
No, not at all.
We can still be friends.
Hey! Oh, I abso...
What the hell is this,
your private little love nest?
You, the restaurant guy!
Excuse me. I'm gonna...
See, Mark? That's what
I was trying to tell you.
You have to surprise him.
Come on.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the
right to an attorney.
Mark, can I, um,
can I see you in the
E.R. in about a half hour?
What for? That
eye's almost well now.
Yeah, I know, I...
I think I broke my hand.
My friend, do you remember
you have surgery in the morning?
I-I know...
I'm gonna have
to get up at 6:00...
(horn honking) MARK: Ah.
Nice place. Homey.
I hate this.
And look what the
beach does to my hair.
Admit it, Mark.
This is a blind date.
Amanda, it is not a blind date.
I am having dinner
with some friends;
one of them is you. And one of
them is some guy named Alex
that I've never even heard of.
This is a blind date.
Alex Forman has
been a patient for years.
I promised him a gourmet dinner
when he passed the bar.
And I know how you
love great food, too.
Well, can't we get takeout?
Alex is a great kid.
He's upbeat. He's
funny. He's handsome.
But no way is this a blind date.
Ooh, look at the time.
I better call him and tell
him to come on out here.
We'll miss our reservation.
(phone ringing) Well,
good, maybe he forgot.
Let's go. No, wait a minute.
Alex isn't the type to forget.
I'm going to have a look.
(dogs barking in distance)
(heart monitor beeping)
(heart monitor flatlining)
(theme song playing)
♪ ♪
(police officers
talking indistinctly)
It's, uh, pretty
straightforward.
Suicide. Steve,
that isn't possible.
Alex was a sunshiny kid.
He had everything to live for.
Dad, every time
somebody commits suicide,
all his friends say what
a happy guy he was.
You couldn't know
what was in his mind.
Yeah, but still...
Look, there was no forced entry.
There was no scuffle.
Looks like a classic suicide.
But isn't it a bit suspicious
there was no note?
Lieutenant, this
was in his pocket.
Well, how do we know
that's his signature?
Uh, here's a signed letter.
AMANDA: Well, we know now.
Steve, this telephone
smells of cologne.
He probably put it on
for his evening with us.
I think he was talking to
somebody on this phone
just before he died.
Could you use the police
computer to check and see
what calls were made and
received on this phone tonight?
Dad, we don't do that
kind of investigation
with a suicide, not
when there's a note.
Come on. For your dad.
For your old man, all right? No.
Here's the list.
All the calls on Alex's phone
the hour before he died.
You know, helping out
like this is going to cost me
my job one of these days.
Not that I'd mind.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Charlotte broke up with me.
Oh, no. I thought this
one was going someplace.
It was.
Right in the dumper.
She couldn't stand
my being a cop.
I'm sorry.
But don't worry, my friend,
you have a lot to offer
and there are a lot of
fish out there in the...
Hello. What?
Alex's last phone call
was to Perfect Couples.
The dating service? Why?
Well, doesn't that strike
you as kind of odd?
Hey, a lot of people
join dating services.
I did once. Of
course, no one wanted
to date a cop, so they
had to give my money back.
Well, as I say,
you have a lot to offer.
There's a lot of fish
out there in the sea.
And why would Alex
call a dating service?
When a man's
about to kill himself,
the last thing he
thinks about is a date.
It's an anomaly.
Could you tap
into that computer?
What am I looking for?
Well, maybe there's
some connection between
this dating service
and Alex's death.
You mean he couldn't get
a date, so he killed himself?
You're probably right.
I'm grasping at straws here.
Well, anyway, thanks for this.
And, uh...
buck up, my friend.
There's a lot of ladies
who enjoyed your company.
Barbara, Laura, Melissa...
Spare me the pep talk, will you?
Melissa.
Melissa...
Hi, Melissa. It's Steve.
Steve Sloan.
Oh, how can you say that?
I was never obsessed
with my work.
Dad, what are you doing?
Uh, probably just
wasting people's time here.
I'm sorry. Go back to work.
Hi, I'm back. Uh...
Melissa, I've been
thinking a lot about you
the past couple of months.
Really?
The point is...
I think that now I am ready
to commit to this relationship
a hundred and...
Another printout?!
What are you doing
with all those printouts?
Taking them back
to the hospital. Why?
Look, I am sorry I
disrupted your routine.
Please, everybody,
as you were, okay?
I'm out of here.
So, uh, how about
dinner tonight?
Mariachis,
margaritas...
Melissa? Melissa? Hello?
Perfect.
What did my father
want with you?
He asked for a list
of all male suicides
from last year.
Only took a second to get it.
And what did he want with you?
He gave me the suicide list
and asked how many
belonged to some
dating service: Perfect Couples.
How many? Three.
Three from the same service?
Oh, that's got to be
a coincidence, huh?
I mean, what are the odds?
According to the computer?
64 million
to one.
That high?
Amigo.
Dr. Sloan, time for the
budget projections meeting.
Oh, golly, Norman.
Uh, could we do it later?
Maybe around 3:00?
I have some important
staff decisions here.
Well, staff decisions
are important.
Carry on.
So everyone have an assignment?
Yeah. I go to the library
and look for the news
items about the suicides
of Ralph Trager and
Jerome Kitchener.
Since Trager, Kitchener
and your friend Alex Forman
were all members of the
Perfect Couples dating service,
I'm going to snoop
around there and see
if the connection
runs a little deeper.
While I check out Mr. Kitchener.
And I do the same
with Ralph Trager.
MAN: Hmm, Trager.
Trager, let's see, mmm... yeah.
Ah, here we are.
Ralph Trager.
Fancy ceremony, I remember.
Catholic.
A Catholic funeral
for a suicide?
Oh, the police said suicide.
The ex-wife said, "No way."
So did his mom.
She was concerned
about where his immortal
soul was shipping to,
so the priest gave it
the benefit of the doubt.
Can you tell me where
I can reach the family?
I'm sorry, we only keep
the complete file six months.
The mom was from out of town
and the ex...
I don't remember her name.
All I remember, really, is that
they were certain he
hadn't killed himself.
They're not the only ones.
Yes? Are you Jerome
Kitchener's mother?
Why? I'm Suzanne.
Jerome didn't mention me?
We used to date.
Then why didn't you call
him "Bud" like everybody else?
Because we were beyond
conventional nicknames.
You don't fool me.
You're a statistician for
that Self-Termination Society.
No, I have nothing to do
with... You people have
called once a month
since Bud died, trying to get
information for your database.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
He didn't kill himself!
Excuse me.
How can I help you? Um...
Doctor. What?
Oh. (giggles)
Sorry about that.
Um...
I'm thinking of joining.
Really? Uh-huh.
Oh, a handsome,
educated fellow like you
has trouble meeting women?
I keep strange hours and, um...
Do you like pot roast? Yeah.
Why? Well, I just
got a new crockpot,
and I was looking for
a way to inaugurate it.
WOMAN: Fawn, aren't you supposed
to buzz me when we have
a prospective new member?
I was about to.
I'm Tonya Gilpin. I'm
Director of Membership.
Hi, how're you doin'?
Oh, fine. Thank you.
Would you care to come
to my office? Thank you.
We're in business here, darling,
not in heat.
Right.
TONYA: So all of
our members provide
photographs of
themselves and they fill out
one of these biography forms.
And the only identification
is the first name and
membership number.
And together these make
one page in a membership book.
Yours would go in the men's book
and this, of course,
is the women's book.
Yeah, I noticed.
Hey, suppose I, um...
find somebody
that I want to meet?
Well, you tell us, we notify her
that someone is interested.
She comes down and looks
at your bio and your photo,
and if she returns
your interest,
then we give you each other's
full names and phone numbers.
And anonymity is total
until the feeling is mutual.
That's it?
To... to meet somebody,
all I've got to do is ask?
Unless she moves first
and asks to meet you,
but, um, none of this can
happen unless you join.
(knocking, opening door)
FAWN: Miss Gilpin?
There are some checks
for you to sign up front.
Okay.
Look, I'll be back
in a few moments.
Um, can you keep
yourself amused?
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
If we cut the fat
from that department,
from now it'll be a lean,
mean fighting machine.
Mm, just what everyone's
looking for in Obstetrics.
Mark, the Kitcheners
had a problem
with their insurance
and then... Dr. Bentley,
it took me all day
to get Dr. Sloan
to attend this budget meeting.
Unless this kitchen thing
is very important, we will...
It can wait. It can wait.
But, uh, I do have
a budget request
for the Pathology lab.
I found one news item.
It mentions Ralph Trager.
Is this medical or non?
It was in the business section?
Why do I bother to ask?
Listen, it's about how cautious
the underwriters are getting.
Trager's ex-wife complained
when No Risk Insurance
wouldn't pay after his death.
Maybe that's why she
claims it wasn't suicide.
Well, Jerome Kitchener's
mother claimed the same thing.
She insisted that her son
would not have killed himself.
They probably knew the insurance
companies don't pay on suicide.
NORMAN: Yes,
they do. They have to.
That's the incontestable clause.
Incontestable clause?
They explained it
when I bought my policy.
The company has two
years to establish any reason
to suspect fraud,
a pre-existing
medical condition, say,
or a suicidal disposition.
Once the policy's
been in effect two years,
it's incontestable.
They have to pay
off no matter what.
Well, they didn't
pay off on Trager.
Well, then, I guess the policy
was less than two years old.
MARK: Norman,
let me ask you
this... Wait, everyone.
This is not a
non-medical meeting.
This is a budget meeting.
Is it too much to
ask for all of us
to confine our discussions
to hospital finances?
Dr. Bentley,
you had a request for pathology?
Yes, I would like a part-time
lab assistant, please.
Who and how much?
Gloria. $42,789.
Gloria. Forty-two thou...
You think we're made of money!?
She's a member
of Perfect Couples.
Name is Gloria,
membership #42789.
And, Mark, ready for this?
At one time or another,
she dated all three suicides.
She did? Uh-huh.
What's her last name? I'm sorry.
Aft... tell me after
the budget meeting.
Oh, no, no.
Actually, I'd like to
know her last name.
The computer
wouldn't give it to me.
You need a password.
But I can date her.
Her?
How?
Well, I just join the
service. Ask to meet her.
If she says yes, then
they give me her full name
and her phone number.
The only problem, though, is
I gotta fill out one of these...
questionnaire
things about myself.
I never know what to
write on these things.
Just list your
good points, baby.
I don't got much paper on me.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Delores and I would be
happy to take care of this.
As a matter of fact, Perfect
Couples is on my way home.
I'd be happy to drop off
the whole packet for you.
Really? Yeah.
Well, great. Okay.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I've always wanted
to do this. Me, too!
Mm-hmm. Do what?
Create Mr. Right.
(phone ringing)
(Jack yawns)
(phone continues ringing)
Yeah?
GLORIA: Jack Stewart?
(sighing): Yeah?
This is Gloria.
Who?
Gloria. 42789.
From Perfect Couples.
It is?
At 6:00 in the morning?
I read your bio
and I didn't want
to wait.
So, what are you doing tonight?
I can't believe I'm finally
sitting here with you.
When I read your
bio, it was like...
instant soul mate. (chuckles)
I mean... Mozart?
Hmm?
Mozart. You know.
Oh, right, um...
the other guy.
Not, uh, not F. Murray
what's-his-name.
I liked that movie.
Thank you.
What's this?
Your salad.
Where's the dressing?
WAITER: Oh, it's on there.
Exactly!
I beg your pardon?
I ordered my dressing
on the side.
If your brain's too small
to remember things,
try writing them down!
That's what the
little pad is for.
I'm going to speak
to your manager, Otto.
Now take this salad back
to the kitchen and bring it back
(shouting): with the
dressing on the side!
(giggles) (clears throat)
You probably think I
was a bit harsh with Otto.
Don't you see, Jack?
He only did that
because I'm a woman,
because he thought I'd be
too weak and too frightened
to say anything.
I learned that from
my ex-husband.
That's why I got rid of him.
Really? And how,
how did you do that?
Let's just say his
hunting days are over.
(chuckles)
And when I joined
Perfect Couples,
a couple of guys there tried
to take advantage of me,
so I had to fix them, too.
Well, you've been very busy.
(giggles)
Listen, you don't
have to walk me
all the way to my
apartment. Oh, good.
'Cause I gotta get up
really early in the morning
anyway, so, uh...
No trespassing!
No trespassing!
Oh!
(moans)
I'm fed up with this.
I really am.
Every time I leave
this hospital, I get hit.
'Cause you got a
mouth on you, Jack.
Ow!
Oh, I'm barely touching
you, you big baby.
Doctors are the
worst patients of all.
Hi, Steve. Hi, guys.
Oh, thanks for coming, Steve.
Well, it's not like
I date or anything.
So, Jack, do you have any idea
why the guy did this to you?
No, I have no idea.
All this guy did was yell,
"No trespassing!" and he hit me.
Well, I can't open up
a murder investigation
to check out an
overzealous groundskeeper.
What... I, what are
you talking about?
This guy could be behind
the suicide murders.
Well, then how
come you're alive?
And how come the dead
guys didn't have any bruises
and you've got a beauty?
MARK: Good point, Steve.
This MO isn't like
any of the others at all.
This is an act of passion,
not premeditation.
I think our killer's
a real cucumber.
Is this Gloria...
a cucumber?
No.
She's more like
a Jekyll and Hyde.
I mean, one minute she's,
she's all sweet and nice and...
the next minute she's like...
reaming this waiter
royally about the salad.
It was unbelievable.
And then she goes on to tell me
how she got even with a couple
of guys from Perfect Couples.
So it could be her.
MARK: At the very
least she's linked
to the three dead men.
What do you say we go find out
what "no trespassing"
means to her?
No trespassing?! Oh,
my God, he's back!
Who's back?
Clete.
My ex-husband.
He was in Donnemoor
for aggravated assault.
He always said he'd
get me when he go out.
Then how come he got me?
Because you were with me.
When we were married,
Clete said I was his property.
That's what "no
trespassing" means.
He thinks someone's been...
tilling his land.
He'll come after me next.
Oh, I think you're safe for now.
He probably drained
himself emotionally
when he did that to Jack.
I doubt he'll be back up
to frenzy for a few days.
Well, to be sure, you should
stay someplace else tonight.
I've got an extra
bed at my place.
You?!
Look what Clete did to you
and I didn't even like you.
You didn't?
Actually, you should be guarded
by someone with experience.
I am a police officer, a
lieutenant, as it happens.
GLORIA: A cop?! I'd rather die!
God, men are so
full of themselves.
MARK: Gloria, to be
safe you really should be
with someone tonight.
I'm not gonna let
Clete chase me out
of my own apartment!
Well, then you'd better
let somebody stay here.
How about you?
Wha... me?!
I trust you.
Well, I...
well, I suppose so.
I guess, uh...
what do you think?
You know, this
ex-husband of hers
can really hurt your father.
We'd better find him fast.
That guy just got
out of Donnemoor.
He probably reports
to a parole officer.
That's a good idea.
That Gloria is really
something, isn't she?
Yeah. Tell me about it.
How do you figure
we both struck out?
I guess she goes for older guys.
Well, maybe I'll
start dying my hair.
Gray! (laughing)
(door closes)
Know why I picked you
to stay with me tonight?
Because you trust me.
Well, that's part of it.
But also when you said Clete
would be emotionally drained,
I could tell you knew what
you were talking about.
Well, I want a man
who knows what he's doing.
Not someone with a lot
of muscles to show off.
Well, I'm just exactly
the man for that job.
(giggles)
Good night.
AMANDA: Jack,
honestly, I can hardly see it.
JACK: Yeah.
I can hardly see
out of it. All right?
You're the worse liar ever.
Good morning,
all. It's not that bad.
Hi. Hi, Steve.
Clete Kinley's parole
officer sent that over.
Yeah, that's him.
That's the guy that hit me.
You mind if I take this and
show it around Perfect Couples?
Maybe he'll look
familiar to somebody.
Keep it. I got copies.
All right. Thanks.
If I leave now, I can get
back here before my rounds.
I'm gonna check out
Mr. Kinley's apartment.
All right, I'll talk to
you later. See you.
See you later. Uh-huh.
I made him pay a
month in advance.
A transient, you know.
The kind that skips
town owing you money.
Well, this one isn't
going anywhere.
It's a condition of his parole.
A parolee?
There's no danger.
Oh, my God.
Good morning.
I need to ask you...
Good morning, Doctor. Hi.
Your ears must
have been burning.
A few of our members
asked to meet you.
Yeah? How many?
Uh, 62.
(laughs)
It's a new record.
(sighs)
Wow, that was some
biography you wrote.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, this one.
Fawn, 40167?
Mm-hmm?
Guess who that is?
Well, I... I think I can
figure that one out.
Anyway, I wanted
to-to ask you... Yes?
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi. I'm Bunni.
Hey, Bunni. How you doing?
(giggling): Good.
I hope you don't
think I'm forward,
waiting here for you to come in.
Don't listen to her.
It was my idea to wait here.
I loved your bio and didn't
want to let a minute go by.
You loved his bio?
I had to explain to you
what Armagnac was.
Armagnac?
Oh, poor baby.
Do you want me to put a
cold compress on that for you?
No, I'm okay. Sticky buns?
I know you love things
hot from the oven.
Doctor? Yeah.
Um... can I see
you in my office?
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
S-Stop it!
Thank you.
Sorry if I interrupted.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
It was like, uh...
It was like being attacked
by friendly piranha.
(laughs) Even your receptionist.
Well, she was within her rights.
We do allow members
to date staff.
Any staff.
Really?
Isn't that a little weird,
you know, if a relationship
goes bad, you know?
You keep running
into each other.
Well, this is a dating service.
Half the members have
gone out with the other half.
Lord, my ex-husband even
joined for a while, but, um,
Artie and I coped.
Oh, man, I couldn't.
There's no way.
I'm Italian.
When we stop loving, we punish.
Speaking of which,
I'm showing this to some
of the people up here.
Have you seen this guy?
'Cause he hit me
when I dated Gloria.
I was gonna ask you about that.
Yes, I have.
I've seen him many times.
Really? Where?
Well, he haunts this place.
He hangs out in the
alley just watching,
and when I ask
what he's doing here,
he says that he's
here to meet his wife.
Obviously, a lie.
Married people can't join.
Well, what if it's his ex-wife?
(inhales loudly)
Oh, my God!
And he's stalking her?
I will call the police
the next time I see him.
Yeah, all right, you do that.
Yeah, 'cause they
want to talk to him.
Thank you.
(all shouting, screaming)
My God, they're multiplying!
I feel like a Beatle.
No, I-I got to tell you.
I always dreamed this
would happen to me one day,
and now that it's happening...
(muffled shouting) Why
the hell is it happening?
You don't know?
(sighs)
JACK: What's that?
An easy-open bag.
I make them.
Um, I do men's items, too.
Could you use a
portfolio, a tote bag?
Well, maybe, but what
I'm asking is, what is that?
This.
It's the bio you wrote.
It's why all of
this is happening.
(hissing, burbling)
It's terrible.
Three men I dated are dead.
MARK: Mm.
Alex Forman was a terrific kid.
Yeah.
Kind of like you.
Why don't I wind up
with guys like that?
Why is it always
the bozos like Clete?
Fast fists, slow brains.
Mm-hmm.
But still, I-I
can't see him killing anybody.
Yeah, I'm inclined
to agree with you.
This killer was
someone very smart.
Why do you say that?
Well, think about it.
It's hard enough to
make a murder look
like an accident,
and it's even harder
to make one look like a suicide.
How do you get
the victim to hold still
while you put the
noose around his neck?
Oh, that's easy. Drug him.
(coffee cup clinks)
So, name your poison.
Excuse me?
How do you take your cappuccino?
Well, no, uh, sprinkles.
No cinnamon in it, not anything.
So, wouldn't giving him
drugs be a good idea?
Yeah. That... It... Good.
Uh, yeah, that would
be effective, yes.
You haven't touched
your cappuccino.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna touch it now.
(clears throat)
Oh, my God, you think
I killed those men?!
Well, I mean, you did
date them all, you know,
and Jack said something
about you fixing a couple of guys
at Perfect Couples?
Them?! One of
them tried to hit me,
and the other one turned out
to be married, for God's sake!
So you fixed them?
I reported them
to the management
and got them thrown out.
Oh.
(laughs)
Well, here's to, uh,
groundless suspicions.
(both laughing)
And to smart people.
The kind I ought
to be involved with.
What was that for?
Just my way of saying thank you.
Well, you're welcome.
You're more than welcome.
Now what?
Just trying to get
you to notice me.
Oh, I notice you...
I mean, you're a very
attractive young lady.
Very, very, young, young woman.
And you're a very
young, older man.
Uh, Gloria, this-this
is not a good idea.
You know, there is
something really sexy
about a man who
tries to resist me.
D-Do I, by any chance,
resemble your father?
(laughs)
Don't be silly.
Give me time.
I may grow on you.
I, um...
I have to go get ready.
Oh, good.
(cup rattles)
(doorbell rings)
GLORIA: Mark, would you
mind getting that for me?
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Steve, come on in, please.
Well, Dad, you were right.
Kinley was out.
His place is a shrine
to hating Gloria.
I think he's the killer.
I'm gonna make it an
official homicide investigation.
Hmm.
So, how was your night?
Uneventful; totally uneventful.
Mm-hmm.
I thought, uh, Gloria might
know where to find her ex.
Hmm. Would you ask her?
I think you can probably
get more out of her than I can.
Well, I kind of doubt it.
She's been very
circumspect with me.
Oh.
Would you zip me, Markie-poo?
Markie-poo?
She never called me that.
You didn't call me that.
Would you please tell
my son you don't like me?
I do like you.
Well, I mean, not like that.
I do like you like that.
She didn't like me last night.
Nothing happened at all!
Mm-hmm. Here.
Gloria, I'd like
to bring Clete in.
His, uh, landlady doesn't know
where he goes or what he does.
Do you have any thoughts
on the, uh, subject?
He sometimes works
as a weight trainer
in Culver City at the New U Gym.
I'll check it out.
(phone ringing)
This was just a thank you
kiss, you know, for staying.
Sure. Mm-hmm.
Hello?
Uh, yeah, he's here.
Lieutenant, it's for you.
Oh. Thank you.
Sloan.
Alone at last.
Gloria, this has got to stop!
(laughing): What's the matter?
Afraid you'll fall under
the spell of a killer?
(laughs)
All right. Thank you.
Damn it!
What?
That was my friend
at the coroner's office.
They performed the autopsy
on Alex Forman yesterday.
It was death by
asphyxiation from hanging.
No bruises on the
body, no sign of foul play.
No drugs in his system, nothing.
I don't get it.
How do you immobilize someone
for a fake suicide with no drugs
and without leaving
a single bruise?
Dad, you're not listening to me.
When that report is filed,
his death is going to
be listed as a suicide.
Case'll be closed
before I can open it.
The report's not filed yet.
Well, it will be by noon.
Then you still have time
to pick up Clete Kinley.
And I'll have to let him go.
Now what good is that gonna do?
Throw a scare into him.
Maybe if he gets nervous,
he'll, you know, trip himself up.
Look, come on, Steve.
I got to sleep in
my own bed tonight.
Oh, well, forgive me
if I don't sympathize.
But I'll bring him in.
Yeah. See you later.
Okay. Take care.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Delores.
Mark wanted to see me?
Uh, Norman Briggs shanghaied him
into another budget meeting.
(groans) But
they'll be out soon.
Well, I hope so, because...
There you are... the two of you.
You got a problem, Jack?
Mozart?! I like Mozart?!
What, and you don't
know who Mozart is?
I know who he is... he wrote
Anne Klein's Night Music.
Well, actually, it's
Eine kleine Nachtmusik.
This has nothing to do with me!
I don't light candles
in my house.
I don't love cats
and-and-and children.
I don't take two-hour
bubble baths!
And there's no way in hell
Wuthering Heights
is my favorite movie.
Well, okay, but you
wanted this Gloria person
to go out with you, and she did!
So then, the plan worked.
(door opening)
Jack? Yeah.
You learn anything
at Perfect Couples?
Yeah, just that 62 women
want to meet me.
BRIGGS: Sixty-two?
They're even making me gifts.
Look... my new tote bag.
A woman in the club
made this for you?
Well, not exactly.
She was a staff member.
Isn't that a little irregular...
Staff getting
involved with clients?
Well, Tonya says it
happens all the time.
She said her husband...
her ex-husband... even joined
for a little while,
but she and Artie are coping.
I wouldn't mind having
women make me a tote bag.
You know, Norman, I
used to be like you once.
I thought it would
be great, thrilling,
having women chasing
me for a change.
It's a nightmare.
Hmm... well, if you're on a
date, and it doesn't work out,
give her my number.
Good day, gentlemen.
(sighs)
(phone ringing)
Yes?
Someone to see you at reception.
It's a bunch of women.
And one of them's
got a tin of hot muffins.
(both laughing)
Oh, God!
My God, they found me!
Wha... I'm not here.
I'm not anywhere!
(women laughing)
Auf Wiedersehen!
Mark, you wanted to see me?
Need a favor. Oh?
We have a main suspect
in the suicide murders,
but his profile does
not fit the killer's.
I think we need to
find out a little bit more
about the first two victims.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I've located Ralph
Trager's family in Bakersfield.
I know that's a long drive.
Mm. No problem.
That's my girl.
MAN: Excuse me, do you work...?
(second man mumbling)
(weightlifting
equipment clanking)
(indistinct chatter)
(woman laughing)
WOMAN: Talk to
you after my workout.
Can I help you?
Hmm? Yeah.
I'm looking for Clete Kinley.
You're kidding!
I've never seen a cop
arrest someone before.
Are you gonna, like, chase him
up to the roof and everything?
Uh, no, I don't think so, son.
See, that's just something
they do in television
to make a chase
scene more exciting.
Yeah? MAN: Please
put your weights back...
Yeah. You see, nobody
in their right mind
would go up on a roof.
There's only one way up.
You'd be trapping yourself.
Oh.
So where can I find Mr. Kinley?
Uh...
MAN: Enjoy your Tiger, boy?
(laughing)
MAN: You want to use this?
WOMAN: Yeah.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Kinley, it's the police!
Give it up!
I've got a gun.
You don't.
(gunshot)
All the same, Kinley,
you're still trapped.
There's no way down
but the way you came up.
♪ ♪
STEVE: Not only did I lose him,
but the coroner's
report came in,
and Alex Forman's death
has been ruled a suicide.
Kinley ran.
He shot at you.
Oh, he's wanted for attempted
murder and parole violation.
But as far as killing Alex
Forman and the others,
he's free as a proverbial bird.
MARK: What are we supposed
to do, solve this ourselves?
Bet you we could.
If we use bait.
Bait?
Yeah.
Look, we know that this guy
comes out of the
woodwork every time
Gloria goes on a date, right?
So what if...
what if she went
out with someone?
Someone that she liked.
Whoa.
No, I am not bait. Mark...
I'm a hook, I'm a line,
I'm a sinker, I'm not bait.
You'd be safe. I'd follow you
in my car... this way, there'd
be two of us, one of him.
Yeah, and I'm off-duty
tonight, so that'd be three of us.
MARK: Yeah?
What if he jumps me
when you can't see?
Well, we'll put a wire on you.
What the...?
He can't go lending out police
equipment willy-nilly like that.
Can you? Of course
he can do willy-nilly.
Come on, he's
your son, he's a cop.
Yeah, I'll just
requisition a transmitter.
Come on, Mark, you'd
be safe as a triple-A bond.
What do you say?
Well, I'll do it,
but I'm gonna hate it.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, listen, um...
one small piece of advice.
You surprise him, not
the other way around.
If you don't, you're dead.
Guy's got a right
like a pile driver.
That's how he got me.
Thanks, Jack.
No problem.
MARK: I'm pulling up
to the curb now. Over.
We're in front
of the restaurant.
Where are you guys? Over.
I am getting out
of the car. Over.
Good evening, sir.
Here you go. Thank you.
MARK (over radio): I
am helping Gloria out.
Over.
Don't do that, Gloria.
Clete won't be jealous if it
doesn't look like a real date.
Oh, right. Okay.
We're walking
towards the restaurant.
Over.
(chuckles)
We are going into
the restaurant. Over.
I guess I should have told him
he doesn't have to
say "over" every time.
(laughing)
We are in the restaurant. Over.
This way, please.
No sign of Kinley. Over.
Sloan.
Oh, God.
Norman, what a surprise.
BRIGGS: You can say that again.
(Briggs laughing)
I know you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Hi, I'm Gloria. Ms. Kinley.
Perfect Couples.
(laughing): No, no.
We're not a perfect couple.
She's a friend of the family.
Old, old friend.
We sort of met through
Perfect Couples.
I saw your picture.
Oh, are you a member?
NORMAN: Oh, no, not yet,
but I'm thinking of joining,
first thing in the morning.
Norman, this is not
what it looks like.
This is not a date.
This is strictly business.
Then I guess you
wouldn't care to join us.
I'm having dinner with some
of the hospital board members.
We want to be alone. (chuckles)
No, we don't want to
be alone, we have to be.
I mean, we need to be.
Enough said.
(chuckles)
You dog, you.
(chuckles)
WAITER: Right this way, sir.
Miss? Uh, your menu?
I'm having the
stuffed lobster. Over.
And I'll have the
blackened redfish.
Gloria's having a
blackened redfish. Over.
And an arugula salad.
Over.
Oh, and should we have
Grand Marnier
soufflé for dessert?
Mmm. Good.
MARK: Over.
GLORIA: Did you get that order?
WAITER: Yes.
And have you had a chance to...
Stuff's making my stomach growl.
Ready for a sandwich now?
Yeah, great, before I eat
the steering wheel, huh?
WAITER: We do have
a delightful Cabernet.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do that again.
Do what? Open it?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Don't bogart the sandwiches,
man... give me one.
That busboy over there,
doesn't that look
like your ex-husband?
No, wait, you got to
see him from the side.
Will you relax and just
enjoy your time with me?
Gloria, I'm much
too old for you.
Okay, you're older.
But you're the kind of
man I want it all with...
A country cottage, towels
with our initials on them,
fresh-baked muffins
every morning.
Initials.
Of c... R.T.!
Of course!
We have to go.
Steve. Steve. Over.
Dad, I know who the killer is.
I know, and it's
not Clete Kinley.
It's not? What was your clue?
Initials.
Perfect... wait'll
you hear mine.
(doorbell rings)
Hi. Hi.
Ms. Gilpin? Yeah.
Amanda Bentley.
May I come in?
I'm a friend of,
uh, Ralph Trager.
Who?
Oh, come now, Miss Gilpin.
Certainly you haven't
forgotten who Mr. Trager is.
As a matter of fact,
he mentioned you
in his suicide note.
What?
Yes. I found this
at his parents'
house in Bakersfield.
Come in.
Thank you.
Oh!
What are you doing?!
What do you think... Oh!
What do you think you're doing?
You can't get away
with this, you know.
There's no... Oh!
(muffled screaming)
Thank you very much for this.
(exhales)
(wry laugh)
Oh, look, I've torn it.
And again.
You see, my dear,
I've worked too long and
hard making it look like
Ralph wasn't a suicide
to let people know it was.
So he didn't leave a note, see?
It was murder.
(muffled screams)
But you... on the other hand,
who know much too much,
will be a suicide.
(cocks gun)
You're going to shoot yourself.
Yours will be
the only prints on the gun.
Police!
Drop the gun!
Now!
(muffled screaming)
Push it over here.
Amanda, are you all right?
Huh? You okay?
I've been better.
What brought you to me?
Figured out how you immobilized
your victims without bruises.
Padded bonds
using fabric fasteners.
MARK: And I figured out
who your ex-husband was.
"Artie" wasn't his name,
it was his monogram.
"R.T." for Ralph Trager.
Who, sad to say, actually
did commit suicide.
But I thought we
were trying to prove
that these were all murders?
Well, the other two
were, right, Tonya?
All except your ex-husband.
I should have killed him.
He was hateful.
Wanted me broke.
Never sent the alimony.
But the one thing
he couldn't stop:
the divorce agreement made
him take out a life insurance policy
with me as the beneficiary.
A million-dollar payoff,
and no way he could
stop me from collecting.
MARK: But he found
a way, didn't he?
Well, someone told
him about that damn
incontestable clause.
Incontestable clause?
AMANDA: Yeah,
if he killed himself
within the first two
years of the policy,
the insurance company
wouldn't have to pay.
TONYA: So he waited
one year and eleven
months exactly.
Then he hung
himself, just to spite me.
But the others?
Jerry Kitchener and Alex
Forman were murders?
Definitely.
One real suicide and two
murders made to look like suicide?
I don't get it.
Well, Tonya thought if
she committed a string
of look-alike killings,
that somebody would
spot the pattern there
and declare her
ex-husband's death a homicide.
And then she'd be able to
collect on the insurance policy.
STEVE: She even
had someone to frame
for all three murders... Clete.
That's why all the victims
were men you dated.
You're as good
at this as your dad.
Guess maybe I was
wrong about you.
We all make mistakes.
Well, I think you and Steve
have a lot of catching up to do.
You don't mind?
No, not at all.
We can still be friends.
Hey! Oh, I abso...
What the hell is this,
your private little love nest?
You, the restaurant guy!
Excuse me. I'm gonna...
See, Mark? That's what
I was trying to tell you.
You have to surprise him.
Come on.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the
right to an attorney.
Mark, can I, um,
can I see you in the
E.R. in about a half hour?
What for? That
eye's almost well now.
Yeah, I know, I...
I think I broke my hand.
My friend, do you remember
you have surgery in the morning?
I-I know...
I'm gonna have
to get up at 6:00...