Detectorists (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Russell and Hugh lean on the mayor to let them dig in his field but Terry discovers that Peter's grandfather did not die in a plane crash though Peter seems vague about it and instead asks Sophie to tour the country with him in a camper van. Annoyed to see that an amateur detectorist in Warwickshire unearthed a valuable cache of coins Andy is further perturbed when his interview for the job in Africa doe snot seem to go well. Lance meanwhile is also upset when Kate finds his attempts to connect with her overpowering.
...the metal detector gave another
beep -- that Kevin Beale's fortune
was about to change.
Well, he's here with us now.
Um, Kevin what happened next?
Well, I dug down again and
found a gold coin, Roman.
- It was very exciting.
- And it didn't end there, did it?
No, it didn't, Chris.
I checked the hole
again and another beep,
another gold coin.
Fantastic. Well, I can tell you
that, in fact, Kevin ended up
unearthing 350 silver
and gold Roman coins
worth in the region of a million pounds.
What's happening to the money?
Oh. Well, the British
Museum bought the coins,
and then I'm splitting it
with myself and the land owner.
Now, am I right in thinking
that you're very, very new
to this hobby of metal detecting?
Yes, indeed. Yes, it's actually
only the second time I've been out.
I would imagine, after this,
you're pretty hooked on it all.
- Absolutely, yes.
- Really got the bug.
Before you go, I must ask you this,
is it true that when
metal detectors find gold,
they do a bit of a
celebratory gold dance?
Yes. Yes, they do, yes.
It'd be great if we could
see it. Can you do it?
I don't... I don't think so.
All right. OK, well, maybe another time.
Thank you very much, Kevin.
Fucking bastard.
I haven't been to a job
interview in years.
In fact, I've never
been to a job interview.
- I suppose I should just be myself?
- You joking?
Don't do that, mate, that won't help.
Who shall I be then?
- Someone else. Someone better.
- Cheers.
Try to be a bit more...
What's that?
Sparky! A bit less...
- What's that?
- Morose.
Bloody hell, it's going to be a disaster.
Told you Becky's handed
in her notice at work?
Three times.
If I don't get this
job, we'll be homeless.
We'll have to move in with her mum.
That'll be nice. That's
bound to go smoothly.
I know.
So you been doing any reading up?
As much as I can, there's not
much information out there.
Oh, they play a lot of bridge in Botswana.
Apparently a national sport.
Right, well, that's useful.
That'll come in handy.
And there's a big death metal
scene, mention the band Crackdust.
Right, so bridge and Crackdust.
Job's yours.
- You seen Kate?
- No.
Coming to the flat on Wednesday.
Big day.
What you worried about?
Well...
She'll be seeing me in my
natural habitat, won't she?
The real me.
Want to make a good impression.
Hide the signed Linda Lusardi photo.
It's already gone.
Can't believe you've
got a grown-up daughter.
Did she call you Lance or Dad?
Well, she's skilfully avoided
calling me anything up to now.
Obviously, I'd like her to
call me Dad, but, you know...
I've got to give her space.
I can't imagine it, out
of the blue like that.
Well, it's not out the blue for me, is it?
I've been thinking about
this for the last 20 years.
How it'll pan out, good or bad.
Just hope it's one of the good
ones and I don't muck it up.
What you got?
Some sort of brooch.
Nice condition.
It's got the enamelling and...
and the original pin on the back.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Hang on,
there's an inscription...
in Latin!
What's it say?
Status quo.
Did you see that guy who found
a Roman hoard in Warwickshire?
No.
- A million pounds, they reckon.
- Whatever.
- And it was his first time detecting.
- Second, whatever.
You did see it!
Are you jealous?
No, why should I be?
You are, you're jealous.
God, I can't stand it when
other people find good things.
Can't turn on the news these days
without hearing somebody else
has stumbled upon a hoard
of ancient treasure.
Some of them aren't even looking.
Everyone else is sliding
around in Roman coins.
I can't even watch Time Team any
more because I'm jealous of them.
Well, you'd be safe in Africa.
They don't have Time Team in Botswana.
I need to get the job first.
To be honest, Becks, I'm bricking it.
You'll be fine.
And if I'm not?
Maybe I can retract my
notice and carry on working.
They'll probably just ask
you about your CV and
see if you've got any questions.
I don't have a CV.
Oh. I wrote you a CV.
Did you?
Yeah. So you might want to make
yourself familiar with that.
I can't ride a horse.
Well, they're not going to ask
you to ride a horse, are they?
They're not going to
have a horse with them.
- Why did you put I could ride a horse?
- Forget about the horse!
And this palaeontology course that
I attended on the Jurassic coast?
- Yeah?
- It wasn't so much a course.
- You got qualifications.
- It was a badge...
- You learned a lot.
...for Cubs.
Well, to be honest, I was struggling.
Oh, well, I'm feeling so
much better about this now.
Relax, you'll be great!
No, I'm all right. I'm going to
give it my best shot, for all of us.
I've heard you talk so
passionately about archaeology,
they will see that passion
if you let them, and I'm sure
that'll make up for
your lack of experience.
Yeah, definitely.
You're so ready for
something like this, Andy.
We both are.
It's time to make decisions,
get our lives kick-started,
to really grab life by the
horns, don't you think?
Andy?
Yeah?
Are you listening?
Sorry, I can't decide whether
to wash the salad or not.
Do you think I should wash the salad?
Do you know what?
That's a decision you're going
to have to make for yourself.
Pardon? Was that a yes or a no?
How's your tea?
Really horrible.
Yeah?
Really horrible.
It's got a flavour I can't
quite put my finger on.
I can't describe it.
Sorry, it's the kettle.
- I use it for...
- Please don't tell me.
I was thinking about those
guys that came into the pub.
- Dirt Sharks.
- Yeah?
What do you think they were after?
Do you think they know something?
No, they're idiots,
they're just being nosey.
I was wondering if I should go see them.
Honestly, they're always hanging about,
they're just afraid they're
missing out on something.
Yeah, but I feel a bit rude.
Wouldn't mind to say sorry.
- Do you know where I
can call them? - No.
But they meet at the
WI on a Thursday night.
Have you got a detector?
Yeah, I got one second-hand.
It's a really good one.
Yeah, got a good deal.
Do you know how to use it?
I'll figure it out.
So what are you going to
do once you find the plane?
- You going to go home?
- Well, no. Actually, I was thinking of taking
...the detector on a tour of duty.
- Where?
Don't know, just drive around,
maybe visit some historic sites.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Come with me.
- Really?
- You got plans for the summer?
- Not really.
- Come with me, then.
OK.
- No, you give it to him.
- You found it, I'm not touching it.
- I'm not very good with authority figures.
- The mayor has no authority
unless he's wearing his
necklace, so don't hand that over
until he gives you permission
to detect on his land.
We're doing this for the club.
We're on a mission.
I can't get the image of the mayor
out of my head... in the woods.
I know, try not to think about it.
Try to imagine him fully clothed.
Yes?
Um... Hello, sir.
We're... we're the detectorists.
The what?
Metal detectors, we found your necklace.
It's called a chain of office,
you took your bloody time.
Is it all there?
It might need some fixing, I think
some of the links are broken.
It must have been flung off
with quite some abandon.
It got caught on a branch.
That's right...
Good. Well, I'll phone
Terry about the reward.
Actually, Your Worship,
instead of a reward,
we were wondering
whether or not you might grant us
permission to detect on your land.
No, absolutely not, out of the question.
Oh.
No, nothing to find there.
No, no.
- Well, we won't take up any
more of your time. - Good.
Oh, there's just one more thing.
- What? - Well, it's just that the local
papers have been in contact asking
if we have any interesting stories,
and we thought they'd be very
interested to hear about your
necklace and... where you lost it.
It could get a lot of
attention, or could go global,
or make the local TV news.
- Terry said they like a quirky story.
- Especially one with a happy ending.
So to speak.
I see.
Well, Terry's idea, was this?
Always knew Terry was bent.
Even when he was in the Force,
he didn't play by the rules. And this...
There is a word for this.
Is there?
Fine. Have your permission.
I know what you're up to,
I've been warned about you.
- Have you?
- But he's one step ahead of you, you know.
Who is?
Well, thank you!
You might want to give that a wipe.
Hello, I've got an interview
at 10.30, Andrew Stone.
They're running about half an
hour behind, you OK to wait?
- Yeah, sure. - Take
a seat. - Thank you.
- I'm just going to get
some fresh air. - OK.
Morning.
- Andrew Stone?
- Yes.
Sorry to keep you waiting,
do you want to come through?
Come in, come in.
I'm Robert Kingsnorth
and this is Dr Tendai
from the University of
Gaborone. Have a seat.
Dr Tendai is overseeing the
excavation at Toutswemogala.
Right, yes.
Is there another...?
No, that's it, I'm afraid.
Right.
- Nearly qualified, I see.
- Yes.
Not much experience in the field.
No, not yet.
Right.
How much do you know about Botswana?
Um...
I believe that bridge is very popular.
The card game.
I meant archaeology in Botswana.
Yes.
Sounds fascinating.
What does?
Archaeology.
Yes.
How much have you studied the Iron Age?
Well, I wrote a thesis
on the Sterling hoard.
Sterling hoard, the gold torcs?
That's right, yeah.
Found by a metal detector.
Yes.
What are you views on metal detectors?
Um...
I think as long as they stick
to a strict code of conduct,
then metal detectors...
people using metal detectors provide
a valuable service and recover
a lot of archaeology that would
otherwise be lost to the plough.
I mean, hobbyists get a very bad
press, but the vast majority are
law-abiding experts in their field
and absolutely passionate about history.
You're not a metal detector,
are you, Mr Stone?
Detectorist.
No.
Oh, God, and then I asked him
if he was into death metal!
Curse Lance and his pub quiz trivia.
I know, but, baby, it was awful.
When I shook their hands at the end,
they recoiled because mine
was so cold and clammy.
I mean, they physically recoiled.
Hang on, babes, hang
on a second. Dr Tendai?
- Yes?
- Um...
Sorry, I just wanted to say, I
wasn't picking up cigarette butts.
Excuse me?
Earlier when you saw me, I
wasn't picking up cigarette butts.
- Oh.
- Clay pipes.
Pardon?
I saw just bits of clay
pipe in the flower bed, I...
What are they?
Broken bits of pipe, you know,
that people used to... smoke.
How old are they?
Well, these ones are Victorian,
- but that one's early 18th,
maybe late 17th century. - Hm.
How can you tell?
The older ones are thicker and
they had a much smaller bulb
because tobacco was so expensive.
OK. And you found these just here?
Yeah, just... Yeah.
Can I keep these?
Yeah.
Thanks. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh!
What was the name of the
band you said you like?
Crackdust.
Crackdust.
I'll check them out.
Oh, God!
A maverick, yeah?
He didn't actually use
the word maverick, no.
He said you never did play by the rules.
Yeah, he's basically
saying I was a maverick.
Sometimes you've got to throw away
the rule book and go with a hunch.
I wasn't in the business
of bureaucracy and red tape.
I was in the business
of catching criminals.
That was back when I had my Cortina.
Eh, Sheila?
What's that, love?
The old Cortina.
Oh, yes!
And your leather jacket.
Right.
I don't know how many of you heard
that, but we've got some good news.
Thanks to the brave efforts
of Russell and Hugh,
we now have permission to
detect on the mayor's land.
Whoa. Has that land ever
been searched before?
Never. Virgin land.
How many acres?
500.
Get in!
So the rally's on?
Can't think of any reason why not.
Well, hang on, aren't
we forgetting something?
This was about finding Peter's
grandfather and the crash site.
Well, it's funny you should mention that.
Has anyone seen Peter?
Yeah, I saw him this morning.
- Is he coming this evening?
- Said he was.
Because I have in my hand a piece of paper
that needs some explaining.
What's that, Tel-boy?
This is the license to
excavate the crash site
...from the Ministry of Defence.
- Bloody hell, that was quick.
Exactly. Why?
Because they have got a
full record of the crash,
and there is no mention of any
human remains being onboard.
What, it's already been excavated?
No. No-one's touched the
plane. There was no need.
The crewmen all parachuted to safety
and were captured two days later
trying to steal a boat
from South Woodham Ferrers.
So what I want to know is...
- What's he up to?
- What's he looking for?
Gold.
What's that, Varde?
Well, there's always rumours on
the internet, conspiracy theories,
most of which are completely spurious.
But one persistent story is of a
German bomber carrying gold bullion
that's supposed to have
crashed in Essex in 1941.
There's no real evidence that
it ever existed, but the more
the theories are repeated, the
more credence they have and...
Yeah, all, right Varde, let
someone else get a word in.
Who else has heard this
gold bullion story?
So, hang on, is he lying?
Is he a treasure hunter?
No! It's rubbish.
Varde just said it's completely untrue.
No, she didn't say it was untrue,
she said there was no real evidence.
Didn't you, Varde?
You lot are obsessed with gold.
Here we go.
Come to think of it, the mayor
was acting suspiciously,
like he knew something we didn't.
So is that it?
Are we being taken for a ride?
Um, hello?
So!
You don't want us to disturb
your grandfather, do you?
What's that, Terry?
Your grandfather, want
him to be left in peace?
Yes, that's right.
Why is that? Been watching the telly?
- Sorry, I...
- I don't think he knows, Terry.
What, there's a spot of Sudoku,
doesn't want to be disturbed?
- What are you talking about?
- Terry, I don't think he knows.
- What?
- Knows what?
That your grandfather...
Didn't die in the plane crash?
What?
Oh. OK, well, um...
Congratulations,
your grandfather isn't dead.
Well, of course he may be... by now.
But he didn't perish in an air crash.
Not this one anyway.
This is a cause for celebration!
Oh, is it, Sheila? Anyone
else in the mood for a party?
This isn't necessarily good news for me.
If my grandfather survived
the war, that means he made
the conscious decision not
to come home to his family.
No. Yeah. Right.
Didn't think of that.
Anyway!
Means we need to get the
plane now... for the rally.
- Peter, he didn't realise.
- I know, I know. God,
but I came asking for help and it's
turning into some stupid circus.
He didn't know he was
going to discover that.
I know, but I need to figure
out what I want to do, OK?
I need to think.
Well, do you want me to come?
No, I'll call.
You're a what?
A detectorist.
Are you on some sort of register?
It's a hobby.
We go out looking for... for metals.
Buried metals.
- Gold and stuff.
- Treasure.
- Well, we wouldn't put it like that.
- Pirate treasure.
No. Pirate treasure, no.
Have you found any?
- What, gold?
- Yeah.
No.
OK, what's the best thing you have found?
Let's, um...
Why don't we...?
I've got a surprise for you.
I've been meaning to give you this.
I bought it for you when you were born.
Or when I thought you were born.
It's a bit late, I've been saving it.
Thank you.
I think you might have
appreciated it more back then.
No. No, I like it, thanks.
And here, this is for...
for Christmas that same year.
It's not much, I was a bit skint.
Wow. Oh!
I just can't believe you've
saved them all these years.
Oh, that's not it.
Here's...
This is for your first birthday.
And this is for your second.
And...
...this is for
Christmas those years.
- And here... - OK, wait, wait. Lance.
- This is for your third birthday.
- And here's your fourth.
- OK, slow down a bit. Lance.
Lance wait, wait.
You've bought me a birthday and
a Christmas present ever year.
Yes.
That... that's over 40 presents.
Yes.
Lance, this is amazing, but
I'm freaking out a bit.
What do you mean?
I... Oh, I don't think
I even own 40 things.
Oh, fine.
Well, open this at least.
The presents can wait.
- What is it?
- Open it.
It's your child maintenance.
I put it aside every
month till you were 18.
It's been gathering interest ever since.
I can't accept that.
What do you mean? No, it's yours
already. It's always been yours.
I'm not giving you anything
you didn't already own,
...you just didn't know about it.
- No, Lance I just...
- No, no call me Dad.
- No!
I can't yet, I'm sorry. Um...
This is all just a bit much.
I'm going to go. I'm sorry.
No, no, you don't have to.
You're not supposed to go yet.
No, but... I've got all the...
Postman's coming. You might
hear about that job today.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Should've seen the beards
on the other applicants.
A beard and BO doth not
an archaeologist make.
Sure goes a long way
towards fitting in, though.
- Is that it?
- No.
It's a magazine subscription thing.
Have a nice day with Daddy.
Say hello to Uncle Lance.
Don't listen to any of their bullshit.
We don't talk bullshit.
Yes, you do.
We talk about all manner
of philosophical issues.
Arts, religion, science, you name it.
Life.
Did you hear about old Rod McClin?
- What about him?
- Dead, mate.
How?
Fell in a vat of boiling soup.
- What?
- Well,
he was working over at Billingsgate Foods
in charge of the soup,
...fell in.
- Bloody hell!
Ah, I know. Grim.
Do you know what flavour?
Dunno.
For some reason, I'm imagining tomato.
Yeah. Me too.
He was a legend, Rod McClin.
Didn't people say he
had metal detector shoes
so he was constantly detecting?
There's lots of stories about old Rod.
Yeah, he used to go detecting
at the end of each day for loose
change on Wimbledon Common.
What?
Wimbledon Common.
What about it?
Well, it's not real.
Not real?
No, it's fictitious. It's
made up for the Wombles.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
"Underground, overground
- "Wombling free..."
- No, no.
I know the Wombles lived there,
but that doesn't mean
it's not a real place.
You believe in Wombles?
Course I don't.
Look, the fictitious
Wombles lived fictitiously
on the real-life Wimbledon Common.
- Really?
- Google it.
No signal.
Google it later.
beep -- that Kevin Beale's fortune
was about to change.
Well, he's here with us now.
Um, Kevin what happened next?
Well, I dug down again and
found a gold coin, Roman.
- It was very exciting.
- And it didn't end there, did it?
No, it didn't, Chris.
I checked the hole
again and another beep,
another gold coin.
Fantastic. Well, I can tell you
that, in fact, Kevin ended up
unearthing 350 silver
and gold Roman coins
worth in the region of a million pounds.
What's happening to the money?
Oh. Well, the British
Museum bought the coins,
and then I'm splitting it
with myself and the land owner.
Now, am I right in thinking
that you're very, very new
to this hobby of metal detecting?
Yes, indeed. Yes, it's actually
only the second time I've been out.
I would imagine, after this,
you're pretty hooked on it all.
- Absolutely, yes.
- Really got the bug.
Before you go, I must ask you this,
is it true that when
metal detectors find gold,
they do a bit of a
celebratory gold dance?
Yes. Yes, they do, yes.
It'd be great if we could
see it. Can you do it?
I don't... I don't think so.
All right. OK, well, maybe another time.
Thank you very much, Kevin.
Fucking bastard.
I haven't been to a job
interview in years.
In fact, I've never
been to a job interview.
- I suppose I should just be myself?
- You joking?
Don't do that, mate, that won't help.
Who shall I be then?
- Someone else. Someone better.
- Cheers.
Try to be a bit more...
What's that?
Sparky! A bit less...
- What's that?
- Morose.
Bloody hell, it's going to be a disaster.
Told you Becky's handed
in her notice at work?
Three times.
If I don't get this
job, we'll be homeless.
We'll have to move in with her mum.
That'll be nice. That's
bound to go smoothly.
I know.
So you been doing any reading up?
As much as I can, there's not
much information out there.
Oh, they play a lot of bridge in Botswana.
Apparently a national sport.
Right, well, that's useful.
That'll come in handy.
And there's a big death metal
scene, mention the band Crackdust.
Right, so bridge and Crackdust.
Job's yours.
- You seen Kate?
- No.
Coming to the flat on Wednesday.
Big day.
What you worried about?
Well...
She'll be seeing me in my
natural habitat, won't she?
The real me.
Want to make a good impression.
Hide the signed Linda Lusardi photo.
It's already gone.
Can't believe you've
got a grown-up daughter.
Did she call you Lance or Dad?
Well, she's skilfully avoided
calling me anything up to now.
Obviously, I'd like her to
call me Dad, but, you know...
I've got to give her space.
I can't imagine it, out
of the blue like that.
Well, it's not out the blue for me, is it?
I've been thinking about
this for the last 20 years.
How it'll pan out, good or bad.
Just hope it's one of the good
ones and I don't muck it up.
What you got?
Some sort of brooch.
Nice condition.
It's got the enamelling and...
and the original pin on the back.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Hang on,
there's an inscription...
in Latin!
What's it say?
Status quo.
Did you see that guy who found
a Roman hoard in Warwickshire?
No.
- A million pounds, they reckon.
- Whatever.
- And it was his first time detecting.
- Second, whatever.
You did see it!
Are you jealous?
No, why should I be?
You are, you're jealous.
God, I can't stand it when
other people find good things.
Can't turn on the news these days
without hearing somebody else
has stumbled upon a hoard
of ancient treasure.
Some of them aren't even looking.
Everyone else is sliding
around in Roman coins.
I can't even watch Time Team any
more because I'm jealous of them.
Well, you'd be safe in Africa.
They don't have Time Team in Botswana.
I need to get the job first.
To be honest, Becks, I'm bricking it.
You'll be fine.
And if I'm not?
Maybe I can retract my
notice and carry on working.
They'll probably just ask
you about your CV and
see if you've got any questions.
I don't have a CV.
Oh. I wrote you a CV.
Did you?
Yeah. So you might want to make
yourself familiar with that.
I can't ride a horse.
Well, they're not going to ask
you to ride a horse, are they?
They're not going to
have a horse with them.
- Why did you put I could ride a horse?
- Forget about the horse!
And this palaeontology course that
I attended on the Jurassic coast?
- Yeah?
- It wasn't so much a course.
- You got qualifications.
- It was a badge...
- You learned a lot.
...for Cubs.
Well, to be honest, I was struggling.
Oh, well, I'm feeling so
much better about this now.
Relax, you'll be great!
No, I'm all right. I'm going to
give it my best shot, for all of us.
I've heard you talk so
passionately about archaeology,
they will see that passion
if you let them, and I'm sure
that'll make up for
your lack of experience.
Yeah, definitely.
You're so ready for
something like this, Andy.
We both are.
It's time to make decisions,
get our lives kick-started,
to really grab life by the
horns, don't you think?
Andy?
Yeah?
Are you listening?
Sorry, I can't decide whether
to wash the salad or not.
Do you think I should wash the salad?
Do you know what?
That's a decision you're going
to have to make for yourself.
Pardon? Was that a yes or a no?
How's your tea?
Really horrible.
Yeah?
Really horrible.
It's got a flavour I can't
quite put my finger on.
I can't describe it.
Sorry, it's the kettle.
- I use it for...
- Please don't tell me.
I was thinking about those
guys that came into the pub.
- Dirt Sharks.
- Yeah?
What do you think they were after?
Do you think they know something?
No, they're idiots,
they're just being nosey.
I was wondering if I should go see them.
Honestly, they're always hanging about,
they're just afraid they're
missing out on something.
Yeah, but I feel a bit rude.
Wouldn't mind to say sorry.
- Do you know where I
can call them? - No.
But they meet at the
WI on a Thursday night.
Have you got a detector?
Yeah, I got one second-hand.
It's a really good one.
Yeah, got a good deal.
Do you know how to use it?
I'll figure it out.
So what are you going to
do once you find the plane?
- You going to go home?
- Well, no. Actually, I was thinking of taking
...the detector on a tour of duty.
- Where?
Don't know, just drive around,
maybe visit some historic sites.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Come with me.
- Really?
- You got plans for the summer?
- Not really.
- Come with me, then.
OK.
- No, you give it to him.
- You found it, I'm not touching it.
- I'm not very good with authority figures.
- The mayor has no authority
unless he's wearing his
necklace, so don't hand that over
until he gives you permission
to detect on his land.
We're doing this for the club.
We're on a mission.
I can't get the image of the mayor
out of my head... in the woods.
I know, try not to think about it.
Try to imagine him fully clothed.
Yes?
Um... Hello, sir.
We're... we're the detectorists.
The what?
Metal detectors, we found your necklace.
It's called a chain of office,
you took your bloody time.
Is it all there?
It might need some fixing, I think
some of the links are broken.
It must have been flung off
with quite some abandon.
It got caught on a branch.
That's right...
Good. Well, I'll phone
Terry about the reward.
Actually, Your Worship,
instead of a reward,
we were wondering
whether or not you might grant us
permission to detect on your land.
No, absolutely not, out of the question.
Oh.
No, nothing to find there.
No, no.
- Well, we won't take up any
more of your time. - Good.
Oh, there's just one more thing.
- What? - Well, it's just that the local
papers have been in contact asking
if we have any interesting stories,
and we thought they'd be very
interested to hear about your
necklace and... where you lost it.
It could get a lot of
attention, or could go global,
or make the local TV news.
- Terry said they like a quirky story.
- Especially one with a happy ending.
So to speak.
I see.
Well, Terry's idea, was this?
Always knew Terry was bent.
Even when he was in the Force,
he didn't play by the rules. And this...
There is a word for this.
Is there?
Fine. Have your permission.
I know what you're up to,
I've been warned about you.
- Have you?
- But he's one step ahead of you, you know.
Who is?
Well, thank you!
You might want to give that a wipe.
Hello, I've got an interview
at 10.30, Andrew Stone.
They're running about half an
hour behind, you OK to wait?
- Yeah, sure. - Take
a seat. - Thank you.
- I'm just going to get
some fresh air. - OK.
Morning.
- Andrew Stone?
- Yes.
Sorry to keep you waiting,
do you want to come through?
Come in, come in.
I'm Robert Kingsnorth
and this is Dr Tendai
from the University of
Gaborone. Have a seat.
Dr Tendai is overseeing the
excavation at Toutswemogala.
Right, yes.
Is there another...?
No, that's it, I'm afraid.
Right.
- Nearly qualified, I see.
- Yes.
Not much experience in the field.
No, not yet.
Right.
How much do you know about Botswana?
Um...
I believe that bridge is very popular.
The card game.
I meant archaeology in Botswana.
Yes.
Sounds fascinating.
What does?
Archaeology.
Yes.
How much have you studied the Iron Age?
Well, I wrote a thesis
on the Sterling hoard.
Sterling hoard, the gold torcs?
That's right, yeah.
Found by a metal detector.
Yes.
What are you views on metal detectors?
Um...
I think as long as they stick
to a strict code of conduct,
then metal detectors...
people using metal detectors provide
a valuable service and recover
a lot of archaeology that would
otherwise be lost to the plough.
I mean, hobbyists get a very bad
press, but the vast majority are
law-abiding experts in their field
and absolutely passionate about history.
You're not a metal detector,
are you, Mr Stone?
Detectorist.
No.
Oh, God, and then I asked him
if he was into death metal!
Curse Lance and his pub quiz trivia.
I know, but, baby, it was awful.
When I shook their hands at the end,
they recoiled because mine
was so cold and clammy.
I mean, they physically recoiled.
Hang on, babes, hang
on a second. Dr Tendai?
- Yes?
- Um...
Sorry, I just wanted to say, I
wasn't picking up cigarette butts.
Excuse me?
Earlier when you saw me, I
wasn't picking up cigarette butts.
- Oh.
- Clay pipes.
Pardon?
I saw just bits of clay
pipe in the flower bed, I...
What are they?
Broken bits of pipe, you know,
that people used to... smoke.
How old are they?
Well, these ones are Victorian,
- but that one's early 18th,
maybe late 17th century. - Hm.
How can you tell?
The older ones are thicker and
they had a much smaller bulb
because tobacco was so expensive.
OK. And you found these just here?
Yeah, just... Yeah.
Can I keep these?
Yeah.
Thanks. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh!
What was the name of the
band you said you like?
Crackdust.
Crackdust.
I'll check them out.
Oh, God!
A maverick, yeah?
He didn't actually use
the word maverick, no.
He said you never did play by the rules.
Yeah, he's basically
saying I was a maverick.
Sometimes you've got to throw away
the rule book and go with a hunch.
I wasn't in the business
of bureaucracy and red tape.
I was in the business
of catching criminals.
That was back when I had my Cortina.
Eh, Sheila?
What's that, love?
The old Cortina.
Oh, yes!
And your leather jacket.
Right.
I don't know how many of you heard
that, but we've got some good news.
Thanks to the brave efforts
of Russell and Hugh,
we now have permission to
detect on the mayor's land.
Whoa. Has that land ever
been searched before?
Never. Virgin land.
How many acres?
500.
Get in!
So the rally's on?
Can't think of any reason why not.
Well, hang on, aren't
we forgetting something?
This was about finding Peter's
grandfather and the crash site.
Well, it's funny you should mention that.
Has anyone seen Peter?
Yeah, I saw him this morning.
- Is he coming this evening?
- Said he was.
Because I have in my hand a piece of paper
that needs some explaining.
What's that, Tel-boy?
This is the license to
excavate the crash site
...from the Ministry of Defence.
- Bloody hell, that was quick.
Exactly. Why?
Because they have got a
full record of the crash,
and there is no mention of any
human remains being onboard.
What, it's already been excavated?
No. No-one's touched the
plane. There was no need.
The crewmen all parachuted to safety
and were captured two days later
trying to steal a boat
from South Woodham Ferrers.
So what I want to know is...
- What's he up to?
- What's he looking for?
Gold.
What's that, Varde?
Well, there's always rumours on
the internet, conspiracy theories,
most of which are completely spurious.
But one persistent story is of a
German bomber carrying gold bullion
that's supposed to have
crashed in Essex in 1941.
There's no real evidence that
it ever existed, but the more
the theories are repeated, the
more credence they have and...
Yeah, all, right Varde, let
someone else get a word in.
Who else has heard this
gold bullion story?
So, hang on, is he lying?
Is he a treasure hunter?
No! It's rubbish.
Varde just said it's completely untrue.
No, she didn't say it was untrue,
she said there was no real evidence.
Didn't you, Varde?
You lot are obsessed with gold.
Here we go.
Come to think of it, the mayor
was acting suspiciously,
like he knew something we didn't.
So is that it?
Are we being taken for a ride?
Um, hello?
So!
You don't want us to disturb
your grandfather, do you?
What's that, Terry?
Your grandfather, want
him to be left in peace?
Yes, that's right.
Why is that? Been watching the telly?
- Sorry, I...
- I don't think he knows, Terry.
What, there's a spot of Sudoku,
doesn't want to be disturbed?
- What are you talking about?
- Terry, I don't think he knows.
- What?
- Knows what?
That your grandfather...
Didn't die in the plane crash?
What?
Oh. OK, well, um...
Congratulations,
your grandfather isn't dead.
Well, of course he may be... by now.
But he didn't perish in an air crash.
Not this one anyway.
This is a cause for celebration!
Oh, is it, Sheila? Anyone
else in the mood for a party?
This isn't necessarily good news for me.
If my grandfather survived
the war, that means he made
the conscious decision not
to come home to his family.
No. Yeah. Right.
Didn't think of that.
Anyway!
Means we need to get the
plane now... for the rally.
- Peter, he didn't realise.
- I know, I know. God,
but I came asking for help and it's
turning into some stupid circus.
He didn't know he was
going to discover that.
I know, but I need to figure
out what I want to do, OK?
I need to think.
Well, do you want me to come?
No, I'll call.
You're a what?
A detectorist.
Are you on some sort of register?
It's a hobby.
We go out looking for... for metals.
Buried metals.
- Gold and stuff.
- Treasure.
- Well, we wouldn't put it like that.
- Pirate treasure.
No. Pirate treasure, no.
Have you found any?
- What, gold?
- Yeah.
No.
OK, what's the best thing you have found?
Let's, um...
Why don't we...?
I've got a surprise for you.
I've been meaning to give you this.
I bought it for you when you were born.
Or when I thought you were born.
It's a bit late, I've been saving it.
Thank you.
I think you might have
appreciated it more back then.
No. No, I like it, thanks.
And here, this is for...
for Christmas that same year.
It's not much, I was a bit skint.
Wow. Oh!
I just can't believe you've
saved them all these years.
Oh, that's not it.
Here's...
This is for your first birthday.
And this is for your second.
And...
...this is for
Christmas those years.
- And here... - OK, wait, wait. Lance.
- This is for your third birthday.
- And here's your fourth.
- OK, slow down a bit. Lance.
Lance wait, wait.
You've bought me a birthday and
a Christmas present ever year.
Yes.
That... that's over 40 presents.
Yes.
Lance, this is amazing, but
I'm freaking out a bit.
What do you mean?
I... Oh, I don't think
I even own 40 things.
Oh, fine.
Well, open this at least.
The presents can wait.
- What is it?
- Open it.
It's your child maintenance.
I put it aside every
month till you were 18.
It's been gathering interest ever since.
I can't accept that.
What do you mean? No, it's yours
already. It's always been yours.
I'm not giving you anything
you didn't already own,
...you just didn't know about it.
- No, Lance I just...
- No, no call me Dad.
- No!
I can't yet, I'm sorry. Um...
This is all just a bit much.
I'm going to go. I'm sorry.
No, no, you don't have to.
You're not supposed to go yet.
No, but... I've got all the...
Postman's coming. You might
hear about that job today.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Should've seen the beards
on the other applicants.
A beard and BO doth not
an archaeologist make.
Sure goes a long way
towards fitting in, though.
- Is that it?
- No.
It's a magazine subscription thing.
Have a nice day with Daddy.
Say hello to Uncle Lance.
Don't listen to any of their bullshit.
We don't talk bullshit.
Yes, you do.
We talk about all manner
of philosophical issues.
Arts, religion, science, you name it.
Life.
Did you hear about old Rod McClin?
- What about him?
- Dead, mate.
How?
Fell in a vat of boiling soup.
- What?
- Well,
he was working over at Billingsgate Foods
in charge of the soup,
...fell in.
- Bloody hell!
Ah, I know. Grim.
Do you know what flavour?
Dunno.
For some reason, I'm imagining tomato.
Yeah. Me too.
He was a legend, Rod McClin.
Didn't people say he
had metal detector shoes
so he was constantly detecting?
There's lots of stories about old Rod.
Yeah, he used to go detecting
at the end of each day for loose
change on Wimbledon Common.
What?
Wimbledon Common.
What about it?
Well, it's not real.
Not real?
No, it's fictitious. It's
made up for the Wombles.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
"Underground, overground
- "Wombling free..."
- No, no.
I know the Wombles lived there,
but that doesn't mean
it's not a real place.
You believe in Wombles?
Course I don't.
Look, the fictitious
Wombles lived fictitiously
on the real-life Wimbledon Common.
- Really?
- Google it.
No signal.
Google it later.