Detectorists (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

BEEPING

Definitely still something in there.

I knew it!

It's a piece of shrapnel,
I can feel it.

Well, meter's saying small bronze
coin, possibly Georgian,

but it's a bit of an iffy signal.

Doctors are refusing to believe me,
reckon I'm making a fuss.

~ How's it feel? ~ Nah, it's not too bad.

I was lucky I was wearing my
triple-weave combat protectives.

~ You were quite a way from the crater.
~ Yeah, blew me about 40ft.

~ Were you running?
~ No. No, it was the blast.



~ So, when do you get out?
~ Couple of days.

They want to make sure
that the cuts aren't infected.

Well, they better get
the shrapnel out.

You can't go detecting with metal
in your leg,

you'll get a signal every other step.

That's why Barry Sheen
had to call it a day.

~ Who'd have thought, eh? Mr Health
and Safety? ~ Yeah, all right, Russ.

~ Of all the people. ~ Do you know
what type of bomb it was?

It was just your basic Luftwaffe
FLAM C500 incendiary, Hugh.

~ Cool. ~ Hmm.

Well, there's a lesson here
for everyone.

Oh, what's that, Russ?
Don't dig up bombs?

Don't detonate bombs.

He's right, you know.



I'm losing my touch.

It's a rookie mistake.
First day of metal detecting school.

I thought that was
don't detect in a thunderstorm.

They get through a lot
on that first day.

~ Perhaps it's time to hang up
the old detector. ~ What?! ~ No!

What's more, it may be time
to hand over the presidency.

Really?

For more than a decade,

I have shared in the turbulent
history of this club.

I have tried
to the best of my ability

to discharge those duties
that were entrusted to me.

And now, having finished
the work assigned me,

I retire from the great theatre
of action. And bidding...

Hang on, that's the George
Washington resignation speech.

Doesn't matter, it's relevant.

And bidding an affectionate
farewell to this august body,

I here offer my commission...

and take leave of all the
employments of public life.

HUGH CLAPS

~ Thank you.
~ APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So, who's going to take over?

Well, that's for you to decide.

But I would suggest Andy
as the new leader.

~ What does it involve? ~ Buying a new
jar of Nescafe every three months.

~ It's more than that, Russell!
~ Every four months.

Look, there are subscriptions
to collect.

We've got seven members.

There are talks and rallies
to organise,

there are permissions to secure...

I think Andy is the man
to lead this club forward.

Er... thanks, Terry. I'll...
I'll certainly think about it.

Good. Now, if you don't mind,

thank you all for coming,
but I would like to get some rest.

~ Let us know if you need anything,
Terry. ~ Take away those pillows.

I shall need them no more.

~ Lewis Carroll. ~ Get out!

TERRY INHALES SHARPLY

Erm... Terry?

~ Yes, Hugh? ~ If they get
that piece of shrapnel out...

It's yours, mate.

Thanks, Terry.

Cheers.

BIRDSONG

But why me?

You're studying archaeology.
He sees you as legit.

Why would I want to be
president of the DMDC?

Think of the power.

Are you serious? What power?

The power to lord it
over Russell and Hugh?

The power to collect
£3.50 off them every quarter?

No, I'm talking about
the power to change the club,

turn it into something worthwhile.

You could get that bloke
to be patron.

~ What bloke?
~ You know, "I have a cunning plan."

~ Sir Tony Robinson? ~ Is he a sir?

Yeah, show some respect.

We could get fleeces
with DMDC embroidered on 'em.

I doubt you could buy them
in batches of less than 50.

~ Well, then advertise, increase the
membership. ~ Just to fill the fleeces?

No, to increase our clout,
increase our influence.

The antique researchers are
officially affiliated

with the Colchester Museum.

They get to be official detectorists
on any dig in the county.

We could be sitting on something
bigger than Sutton Hoo here.

Yeah, if we could turn our club
into something more professional,

then we could oust them
from their position.

Yeah. Mount a dirty-smears campaign.

Eww!

It's just a smear campaign.

You're thinking of a dirty protest.

Whatever.

Here.

Oh, nice!

Anyway, I need to get
down there again.

I know. I'm working a lot this week.

~ Can't wait too long. ~ Yeah.

~ I'll find some time. Don't go
down there without me. ~ Nope. OK.

~ Becky talking to you again?
~ Just about.

It was just a misunderstanding.
I think she was drunk.

Oh, didn't seem drunk.

No, but she was being sick the next
morning, that's a sure sign.

No... everything's fine.

Good. So we're all up
for quiz night on Friday?

~ Don't see why not. ~ That's good,
we need her geography knowledge.

Right, not her company
and conversation?

Just as long as she knows
the longest river in Azerbaijan.

~ I'm thinking of inviting
Sophie down, actually. ~ What?

Whose team would she be on?

Ours. You're allowed up
to four members in a team.

But it's you, me and Becks.
It's always been us.

You know, just the three of us,
the old team,

that's what makes it
so impressive when we win.

It'll only be the once. I want
Becky and Sophie to be friends.

Right, well, good luck
with that one, then.

~ What do you mean? ~ Well,
I just think you're on thin ice,

could find yourself
in some hot water.

But it's always been you, me and
Lance, just the three, the old team.

Well, you're allowed up
to four members on a team

and I think you'd like her
if you got to know her.

~ I don't particularly want
to get to know her. ~ Why not?

~ Well, she's a floozy. ~ A floozy?
I haven't heard that word in years.

~ She's a dolly bird.
~ You sound like your mum.

Sorry. Sorry,
you don't sound like your mum,

you've never sounded like your mum.
That was wrong of me.

I've just never heard you
use words like "floozy"
and "dolly bird" before.

Anyway, the point is by saying
that you don't want to know Sophie,

you're basically saying
that you still believe

something's going on
between me and Sophie.

And, by your own admission,
you don't believe that any more.

~ SHE SIGHS
~ Christ!

What is all this stuff?
It weighs a tonne.

End of term presents from the kids,

~ mainly candles and World's Best
Teacher mugs. ~ Can't we dump it?

~ No, what if somebody found it?
~ They couldn't trace it back to you.

Hello? World's Best Teacher.

~ Good point. ~ Did you go the hospital?

Yeah, he's fine,
just cuts and bruises.

He's loving it, actually,
enjoying the drama.

He's resigned the club presidency.

~ Wow! I'll alert the media.
~ SHE LAUGHS

~ Does that mean the end of the DMDC?
~ No, why should it?

Well, who's going
to be stupid enough

to want to take over as president?

~ You're not? ~ Why not?

Oh, God!

~ What ~ possible ~ reason could you have

for wanting to be president of the
Danbury Metal Detecting Club?!

~ I'd say it was an ego thing but
there are only six members. ~ Seven.

Being the glorious leader
of six socially awkward geeks

~ isn't going to boost anyone's ego.
~ Seven.

Lance says we can increase
membership and then have more power

and influence
in the archaeological world.

~ SHE LAUGHS
~ Power and influence?!

You're deluded!

Lance says we can ask
Sir Tony Robinson to be patron.

~ Who? ~ Baldrick off of Blackadder.

~ Is he a sir? ~ Yes!

Why would he ever agree to that?

Because he's a champion of
archaeology and archaeologists.

But you're not archaeologists,
you're a bunch of hobbyists!

You are amateur metal detectors!

Detectorists.

~ Lance says...
~ CROCKERY CLATTERS

~ You don't want to hear
what Lance says, do you? ~ No!

I just see little enough of you
as it is!

And when I do, you're either caked
in mud or smelling of scout hall!

It was the last day of term today,
I'm a teacher,

I get a stupidly long
summer holiday,

I wanted to go away somewhere,
somewhere good,

somewhere
with a swimming pool!

But we can't afford it! Maybe we can
go away somewhere crap instead?!

Just let us find this ship burial

and I'll take you
wherever you want to go.

~ Simple as that? ~ Simple as that.

And, in the meantime, I'll take you
to the Two Brewers for quiz night.

Does it have a swimming pool?

~ Hmm, I'm not sure.
~ SHE GROANS

~ SHE SIGHS
~ OK. Sounds good.

SQUEAKING

LANCE SINGS ALONG TO RADIO
♪ And the operator says 40 cents more

♪ For the next three minutes

♪ Please, Mrs Avery
I've just got to talk to her

~ PHONE RINGS
~ ♪ I'll only keep her a while... ♪

MUSIC OFF

Yeah, hello?

I can't do it, mate, I'm taking Mags
and her mum to Bingo.

Oh, what? I changed
my shift especially.

Well, why can't
her new bloke take them?

She uses you.

She bloody does.

No, she bloody doesn't.

I want to help her.
I can do tomorrow.

Don't worry about that,
Bishop's given us permission.

It's still our land.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

She asked me and I...

I didn't feel I could let her down.

All right, whatever.

Yeah, maybe.

All right, see ya.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Sophie.

Guess what I've got?

Technetic's UO Tech.

No, second hand. Nearly new.

Unwanted Christmas present,
apparently.

So, when are we going out?

Oh, I dunno. Lance is busy
and we sort of said we wouldn't.

Yeah. No, I suppose
it couldn't hurt.

All right, what time?

All right, see you there.

Whoa!

Terry had a lucky escape.

Yeah, but at least
he got an anecdote out of it.

Well, look at me.

Very nice. You're one of us now.

~ Just need some camouflage. ~ Why do
detectorists wear camouflage?

~ To hide from predators. ~ Of course.

~ So what are we looking for?
~ A Saxon king.

~ Sexred of the Saxons? ~ You got it.
~ Well, what's he look like?

~ About yay high, beard,
buried in a ship. ~ OK.

So, this is your discrimination,
that differentiates between metals,

so you won't get a signal
when you go over iron.

And this here sets
your ground balance.

~ Yeah, yeah, boring.
Come on, let's go. ~ Whoa! Slow down.

You've got to know these things
or you'll spend your whole time

~ digging holes with nothing
in the bottom of 'em. ~ Bollocks!

Set it to treasure
and let's go get rich.

What happened to you?

What happened to the girl who was
interested in local history?

It's not about finding treasure,
it's about finding...

Buttons and ring-pulls?

No thank you. Show me
to the non-ferrous metals.

~ Unbelievable! ~ First pre-decimal
coin buys the drinks!

SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY

♪ I knew no vices and I knew no sin

♪ I knew the words
but they didn't sink in

~ ♪ Stayed out those tunnels that pull
people down
~ BEEPING

~ ♪ There's more of those tunnels in
your home town
~ BEEPING

♪ Fell far from grace

♪ So far I couldn't see

♪ And, oh, underground,
I wasn't that far from the tree

♪ We're all digging
if you want to know

♪ Fixing, digging far too slow

♪ Far too slow

♪ We dug for money,
We shovelled four tonnes

♪ And the end wasn't funny,
Though we'd all had fun

♪ Limping and broken,
The tunnel fell in

♪ I've been limping from tunnels
Since my original sin

♪ Birthright's a trouble

♪ My father dug, too

♪ He got where he was going
At the age of 62

♪ We're all digging,
If you want to know

♪ Fixing, digging far too slow

♪ Far too slow. ♪

BEEPING

SQUEAKING

You won't believe
the photo I just took of you.

Oh, my God!

SHE GASPS

You found your gold!

I found my gold.

Oh, dear.

I think we're going to get told off.

Basically, good news and bad news.

What's the bad news?

MOD have turned up,
site's out of bounds.

They're doing geophys
to determine whether

there's any more unexploded
subsoil ordinance.

Well, just as long as they don't
find anything pre-1940.

How did you find out?
Did you phone Bishop?

Well, that's where
the good news comes in.

Wait for it.

Da-dah!

What's that?!

Gold Stata.

Well, I know what it is.
Where did you get it?

Bishop's farm,
not far from the crater.

You went there without me?

Well, yeah. I know we sort of said,
but I didn't think you'd mind

~ and we certainly didn't expect...
~ We?! Who's "we"?

Me and Sophie.

She bought a detector,
she wanted to try it out.

~ I didn't think you'd mind.
~ Well, I do mind!

I do mind you went
to Bishop's farm without me
when you said you wouldn't.

I do mind you went with Sophie.

And I do mind you found your first
gold with her and not with me.

~ Come on, mate. ~ Did you do a dance?

~ No. ~ We always said we'd do
a dance when we first found gold.

Yeah, well, it didn't
seem right without you there.

Didn't want to feel un-cool
in front of your new girlfriend?

~ She's not my girlfriend.
~ Why don't you do it now?

~ What, dance? ~ Yeah.

~ What, here? ~ Yeah. ~ No.

~ Go on, dance. ~ Don't want to.

~ Well, why don't you get
out of my flat, then? ~ Come on!

No, go on. I've got stuff to do.

We still doing the quiz?

~ Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing the quiz, yeah.
~ Oh, good.

~ But not with you. ~ What?!
~ You've got a new detecting partner,

~ she can be your new quiz partner
an' all. ~ Come on, mate.

No, I'll find my own team.

And while we're at it, I've decided
to stand for club president, as well.

We can't stand against each other,
that's ridiculous.

Pull out, then. Or, better still,
whoever loses the quiz on Friday,

they can pull out the presidency.

~ Who's your team?
~ Oh, I've got people.

Intelligent people.

ANDY SNIGGERS
Get out!

MURMURING CHATTER

Two halves... for the ladies.

~ HE LAUGHS
~ And a pint for me. Cheers.

Thanks, love.

Why are you drinking girls' drinks,
Lance? Watching the figure?

~ Driving. ~ Still got the old banger?

~ TR7's a classic. ~ Take no notice,
Lance, he's just jealous.

Jealous of the Yellow Peril?

I don't need a penis extension
to prove myself.

It's not a penis extension, Tony,
penis extensions are red.

It is a penis extension.

A tiny yellow penis extension.

~ Can we stop talking about my penis?
~ Probably best.

Leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Or so I've heard.

~ TONY LAUGHS
~ Tony!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

~ What do you mean? Why not?
~ He's got a new team. ~ What new team?

~ I dunno. ~ Well, who's going to be
our sub? ~ Sophie, I told you.

~ What?! ~ I told you.

I want you to see
that she's actually really nice.

~ SHE LAUGHS/GROANS
~ I'm sure she's bloody wonderful.

~ Oh, look, there's Lance.
~ Who's he with?

~ What's going on? ~ Nothing. Who's
he with? ~ Have you two fallen out?

~ No. What? Why? ~ Brilliant!

I'll be sitting there like a lemon
while you ignore your boyfriend.

~ He's not my boyfriend.
~ And hold hands with your girlfriend.

~ She's not my girlfriend.
~ She's a floozy. ~ She's not a floozy.

~ Who's not a floozy?
~ Hello, Sophie. Look, it's Sophie.

~ Oh, yes. ~ Hi. ~ So, Sophie,
this is erm... Becky.

Becky... this is Sophie.
I think you've met before.

~ Yep. Hi again. ~ Hello.

Sorry I poured three pints of
strong European lager over you

last time we met.
It was an accident.

That's OK. Happens all the time.

~ Er... what are you drinking.
Sophie, a pint? ~ Three, please.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Right, I'm going for a fag.
You coming, Mags?

~ Yeah, go on, then. ~ No,
they're about to start in a minute.

Won't be long.

All right?

Come on, mate, this isn't worth it.
Come and join us at our table.

Loser pulls out of the presidency.

If you like.

And loser leaves the club.

~ All right, tosser.
~ You tosser. ~ Are you? ~ No, you are.

BIRDSONG

MAN: 'Right, now,
quiz rules state...'

~ Come on, then, that's us.
~ '.. that everyone must hand over

'their telephones
for the duration of the quiz.'

CHATTER

So, how does this work?

Quiz master asks the questions

and if you know the answer
you write it down.

Yes, it's your basic pub quiz.

Different rounds,
different subjects.

What's your speciality,
do you think?

Children's programmes?

Well, I'm studying
ancient history, so...

Yeah, doesn't often come up
in the Two Brewers pub quiz.

You're a primary school teacher,
aren't you?

~ So you're probably good
at most subjects. ~ That's right.

Up to Year-6 standard?

~ Where have you been?!
We're about to start! ~ All right!

Jesus! Don't wet yourself.

And, if everybody's ready...

Round one.

The sports round.

~ ANDY GROANS
~ Question one. Which football club
is nearest the Mersey?

~ It's Liverpool. ~ No, it's Stockport.
It's definitely Stockport.

People think it's Liverpool or
Everton, it's definitely Stockport.

~ OK. ~ Put it down.
~ Stockport. ~ Question two.

What was the 1966 World Cup
mascot in England?

~ I know it. ~ I know it!
~ Oh, that's it. ~ Yes!

~ Willy? ~ Willy. ~ Yeah.

Hopefully some geography questions
will come up.

Becky's got a geography degree.

Oh, my God! Amazing! Well done you!

Moving on to round two.

Lads' mags!

Ye-he-he-ess!

What does FHM stand for?

~ MUTTERING
~ Just give him the pencil.

All right, fine.

~ Write it!
~ HE LAUGHS

Look at them, they know everything.
Don't you read lads' mags, Andy?

~ No. ~ No, lads' mags are
for men having midlife crises

who like looking at pictures
of floozies and dolly birds.

ANDY LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Round three. The Balearic Islands.

~ Oh! ~ Ohh! ~ Danke schon!

On to the next round.

ITV2.

What?!

~ Oh! ~ Perfect! ~ Series link!

That's not a category!

On to round five. Astronomy.

Here we go.

Question one.

What star sign are you

if you was born
on the 10th of October?

~ That's not... ~ Oh, I know this.
~ No. ~ I know this!

That's astrology, not astronomy.

What's the difference?

She's got it. She knows it.

And final round
this evening is archaeology.

Here we are.

What year was the tomb
of Tutankhamen discovered?

Who?!

1923.

~ '23. ~ No, it's 1922.

~ Is it? ~ The actual discovery
of the tomb

when they found the steps
was 1922,

when they broke through
into the burial chamber

~ and found the wonderful things,
that was early 1923.
~ BECKY SIGHS

I did a project
with my Year-6 children.

Well? This is your department,

Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Urgh!

I know, it's just...
It's either 1922 or 1923.

Oh, Lance!

CHATTER

MAGS: Put both years! Put both.

And the winners tonight,

who got every question right...

apart from them ones in the
archaeology round,

they were quite difficult.

The winners are...

this team here!

BOTH: Oh!

APPLAUSE

BOTH LAUGH

~ We win! ~ There we are. ~ Here, fellas.

Humiliating defeat.

Just goes to prove
Lance is the trivia king.

~ Still, nice to meet you, Sophie.
~ Yeah, you too.

See ya.

~ BOTH LAUGH
~ I'm so proud!

See ya.

~ Which is why you need to elect ~ me
~ as your next president.

Look, if I'm right,
ladies and gentlemen,

then this is it, this is the big one,
what we've all been looking for,

the final resting place of Sexred,
King of the East Saxons.

So what we've got to do
is make the initial find,

then we can secure our right
to play a part in the excavation.

So let's get some new members in,
some fresh blood,

and let's get some fleeces
with DMDC embroidered on 'em.

No, Russell,
it won't be too expensive,

because I've got a mate who works
down at the custom fleece warehouse

and he'll give us a discount.

What's that young Hugh?
Well, do you see Andy here?

Where is Andy in our hour of need?

Sorry, do you want to be alone
with your detector?

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

~ Do you talk to it? ~ Sometimes.

Does every detector
have its own personality?

Lance would have you believe
they do.

Why aren't you talking to Lance?
What's it all about?

I went detecting on Bishop's farm
when we sort of said we wouldn't.

On your own?

Yeah.

Oops.

He'll get over it. Don't be sad.

I'm going to let him
be club president.

Well, you should, he's totally
suited to it. You'd be rubbish.

I've pulled out
of the presidential race.

~ Was it a race?
~ Sort of. No, not really.

I'm glad anyway,
I didn't really want to do it,

I just got caught up
in all the excitement.

~ Oh, my God! You are so sad!
~ SHE LAUGHS

Hang on, why aren't you drinking?

You haven't got school tomorrow.

There's a reason.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, bloody hell! Who's that?

~ What reason? ~ Hang on.

What reason?
Are you trying to lose weight?

I never said you needed
to lose weight.

You don't need to lose weight.

I thought that's why
you weren't drinking.

~ Becks, what you doing?
Where are you going? ~ To my mum's.

Is it what I said?

It's not because of what you said,
it's what you've done!

~ What have I done? ~ Wrack your brains!

~ Becky, wait!
~ ENGINE STARTS

HE SIGHS