Detectorists (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Exploring Larry Bishop's land Lance and Andy find nothing of interest though they do encounter Art and Paul from the rival Antiquisearchers, whom they send packing. Bishop tells them that some years ago he found some treasures which he gave to Justine but declines to say who Justine is. He also gives them some gold but they decide to keep it a secret. Actually Sophie has heard what they are doing but believes from her research that the Saxon hoard they want is in the next county. Lance meanwhile is anxious to reform his old folk duo with Andy so that he can perform a song he wrote at the open mike pub night in the hopes of winning back ex-wife Maggie from her younger new boyfriend Tony.
What you got?
Matchbox car.
Chevrolet Corvette.
How in God's name does that get
into the middle of a field in Essex?
Dunno.
I mean, who's been playing
with cars up here?
Dunno.
You know, a Roman coin, I can
understand, but a Chevy Corvette?
Doesn't make any sense.
'Ere!
D'ya hear about old Bob Cromer?
What about him?
- Dead, mate. - Shut up.
- Struck by lightning. - No.
Third this year.
Janet Horrowell, Greg Peters
and now poor old Bob.
- You know why, don't you? - Why?
Cos the best finds always appear
right before a thunderstorm.
Suddenly, you've left it too late,
and you're the highest point
in the landscape.
All three were running
when they were struck.
- What a way to go. - Yeah.
What you got?
Pontiac Firebird.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely isles for me?
♪ Climb through the briar
and brambles?
♪ I'll be your treasure... ♪
You fancy a cup of
Good Morning America?
No, thanks.
Ah! That is a damn fine
cup of coffee.
- Which...? - Twin Peaks.
So, I was thinking about getting
the band back together.
What band?
You and me.
Were we in a band?
Well, we jammed together
a few times.
I only remember once, round
your flat trying to do Wonderwall
- and you couldn't reach the high
notes. - No. It was more than once.
Did we have a name?
- Fanny Magnet.
- That's right. Fanny Magnet.
Anyway, I've written a new song.
I want to do it at the
open mic at the White Horse.
- What's the song called? - New Age Girl.
- Is it about Maggie? - No.
All right. I'm up for it,
if it's any good.
Well, come around to mine
Tuesday night before we head off to
the club and I'll play it for you.
Hey, there.
Who's this?
Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.
- Hello, there. - Wotcher.
How are we?
Feeling groovy.
Good, good.
- Lovely day. - Isn't it?
Haven't seen one of them
for a few years.
Oh, what, the Arado? Yeah, they're
pretty rare these days but, er...
There's still a few out there
if you know where to look.
Antique shops?
They're certainly classics, yeah.
So you've gone for the CTX.
Mmm... Good machine.
Bit flashy for my liking.
Yeah, not really your style.
Do you have permission
to detect on this land?
Indeed we do. Do you?
Who from?
Not tellin' ya.
- Immature. - Are you?
No. You are.
- We got here first.
- Well, there's nothing stopping us
getting permission from
the land owner.
Farmer Bishop gave us
exclusive rights. 50/50.
Well, then, we shall have to see
if we can make Farmer Bishop
a more attractive proposition.
Who are you, a Bond villain?
We've done extensive research.
I assume you have done the same.
- Course. - Yep.
We shall see.
Mr Bond.
- Come on. - Oh. Sorry, mate.
Didn't mean to make you cry.
It's hay fever.
Don't cry, mate. I feel awful.
It's hay fever.
I forgot to take an antihistamine.
Well, you want to borrow my hanky?
Not crying.
Do you want a little tissue, mate?
Please don't cry!
That doesn't bode at all well.
What was in that file?
Maybe they know what's in here.
We need to go and see Bishop,
tell him not to give anyone
else permission.
Yeah, can... Can you pop
round on the way home?
I... I've gotta go and see Mags.
Help out in the shop.
What? When will you learn to say no?
I don't want to say no.
I want to help her.
All right, I'll go, but remember,
I don't have any of your
charm or charisma.
Do your best.
Hey, you animals! Get down!
Be quiet!
Yes?
Hello, Mr Bishop, it's me.
I came with my friend to ask for
permission to detect on your land?
Oh, yes. The metal detectors.
Detectorists.
Yes. Have you found something?
- Not yet, Mr Bishop. - Larry.
Not yet, Larry,
but we were wondering
whether you wouldn't mind
not giving permission
- to anyone else to search your land.
- Right.
It's just that there's a contingency
of rogue detectorists out there.
Rogues?
Treasure hunters.
They'll come under
the cover of night
and rob important sites
of their artefacts.
Good God.
I know. It's despicable.
I tell you what I remembered
just after you left,
there were some things ploughed up
a few years ago
that might be of interest to you.
- What sort of things?
- Well, I don't know. Trinkets.
Looked like costume jewellery to me.
- Any idea what happened to them?
- Somewhere around. God knows where.
I did offer them to Justine,
but she thought they were ugly.
- Is that your wife? - Where? - No.
You... You mentioned Justine
and I wondered whether
Justine was your wife.
Justine isn't here.
Come on! Where are you?
Stop chasing those rabbits.
You'll never catch them,
you fat, unhealthy creatures.
Quite mad.
- I can see. - Yes.
Well, cheerio, then. I'll, er...
I'll keep my eyes peeled
for those things.
Come on, then. Come along.
We'll go the other way this time.
Bit of a change, eh?
I think so. It'll be good. Come on,
then. You've got to keep up.
Oh, that's lovely, Lance.
How exciting.
Yeah. Well, I thought,
nothing to lose.
I always said you should do
something with your music, didn't I?
- You did. - I used to love it
when you played your mandolin.
Reminded me of Kermit.
Kermit plays a banjo.
How exciting, though.
Think you can come?
Definitely.
What is all this?
Says "Mixed Spiritual" on the box.
Yeah, it's spiritual stuff.
Mixed.
Tarot cards. Dream catchers.
Resin dragons. Oh!
There's this massive warehouse
out by Stansted.
You buy it by the weight.
It's cheap, you just don't know
what you're going to get.
- Spiritual lucky dip. - Kind of, yeah.
Found it!
- Oh... Great. - All right, Lance.
She got you slaving?
Tony, I didn't realise you were
here. Not lending a hand?
- I can't. My herniated discs.
- Gutted.
Lance has invited us to a folk
night at the White Horse next week.
- Sounds good.
- Lance is doing a gig.
It's not a gig. I might do a song.
Haven't decided yet. Probably won't.
All right, Lance! Rock'n'roll.
What's the song about?
- Nothing. - Nothing? What's it called?
- If that's everything, Maggie.
I'll get off. - Yeah, thanks, love.
Oh, and you're still OK
to take my mum to bingo?
Er, yeah. OK.
- Er... You not free?
- Nah, football.
- Oh, right. You playing?
- Watching.
- Portman Road? - No. On TV.
- Right. - Thanks, love. You know,
she loves her bingo.
Yeah. OK. See ya.
- Bye-bye, Lance. - Bye, love.
Oh. That's lovely.
- I'm going back to bed. - OK.
- Afternoon, sir. - Hello.
- Do you have a child in
this school, sir? - Pardon?
Do you have a son or a daughter
who attends this school?
No, I don't have any kids.
Right.
Just taking a few photos?
Checking my messages.
Can I ask what you're doing here?
Waiting for my girlfriend.
She'll be out in a minute.
What class?
Er... Chaffinch Class, I think.
I think all the pupils
from Chaffinch Class have gone.
She's the teacher.
She's not... She's a teacher.
Here she is now.
Rightio, sir.
It's just you were making
some of the mums nervous.
Hello. This is a nice surprise.
Good day?
Yeah, not bad.
Do I look like a paedophile?
What?
I've just been
questioned by a policeman
cos I was making mums nervous.
Well, you do have a bit
of a look about you.
What kind of look?
I'd have said more drug dealer
than paedophile.
Oh... That's what it must be.
- Yeah. - I feel better now.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Lance is not my boyfriend.
He worships you.
He does not. He thinks
I'm a wet blanket.
- Maybe he's more astute than I give
him credit for. - Ha, ha, ha. Cute.
I think he's lonely.
He says he wants to get the
old band back together.
- You and Lance were in a band?
- Apparently.
What were you called?
Can't remember.
He says he wants us to do
one of his songs
at the White Horse next Thursday.
Can you come?
- No. It's a school night,
I have marking to do. - Oh, bugger.
What's brought this on, then?
Is he having a crisis?
I think he's trying
to impress Maggie.
Oh, dear.
He really needs to move on.
- What's the song like?
- Haven't heard it yet.
Could be excruciating.
Could be really embarrassing.
Please come.
You're really selling it.
I'd truly love to, but I'll
have 30 stories to read.
Imagine their little faces
when I say,
- I couldn't be bothered and
went to the pub instead. - Fuck 'em.
- Hello, mate.
- Do you like swedes?
No. Er, no, the vegetable.
Good.
Yeah, come round,
I'll knock you something up.
Oh, you speak to Bishop?
Yeah, interesting. He's utterly mad.
I'll tell you when I come round.
I'm in the middle of something.
The A414.
All right. See ya.
So, he reckons he's still got
some of the artefacts?
He reckons so.
Don't knock on the glass, mate.
Stresses them out.
I wasn't going to.
So, what we eating?
Swede surprise.
Oh, yeah. What's the surprise?
How bland it is.
Hmm...
That is bland.
Surprisingly bland.
Wish you hadn't told me.
Speaking of which,
how much are we going to tell the
rest of the club about Bishop's farm?
Well, I reckon we keep it to
ourselves for the tambourine.
I mean, if they get wind of the fact
that there's been a previous
excavation
and Bishop's finds, whatever
they turn out to be...
Well, someone'll phone the beards
and it'll all be over.
Let's just tell them we're
still in the research phase.
Deal. So, when am
I going to hear this song of yours?
Er, I... I don't know
if I want to do that any more.
Oh, what? I built myself up for it.
I've invited some A&R people down.
I've run into a problem.
Yeah?
I can't stand up.
Yes, you can. I've seen you.
- No, I... I can't stand up
and play the mandolin. - Why not?
I've practised too long sitting
cross-legged on the floor.
When I get up, it just goes to shit.
Well, sit down and play me the song.
♪ Back when the sky
was clear and blue
♪ I met a girl who
looked like you
♪ But when she opened her arms
I fell clean through
♪ And now I don't know what to do. ♪
Well?
That's quite good.
You... You sound surprised.
- I am. I'm astounded.
- You think it's astounding?
No. I'm astounded that
it's quite good.
Fair enough.
Course, it's 90% instinct.
What are you swinging these days,
young Hugh?
I still have the VK30.
Hm... Nothing wrong with a VK30.
Good, solid detector.
Basic, but it's got its place.
Yeah, many a good find
found with the 30.
In fact... Tezler?
- What d'they find the Eynsford
hoard with? - XP Deus.
Was it? Oh.
I thought it was VK30.
Anyway, good on ya.
You and Lance have
your permission yet?
How did you know about that?
- You told me, didn't you? - Did I?
Well done, mate. Who else you told?
Don't worry. I won't mention it.
Why is it a secret?
It's not a secret, it's just we're
still researching it.
I would not wish being struck
by lightning on anyone, Russell.
You just said he deserved it.
That's not what I said.
You never liked Bob Cromer.
But that's not the point.
Doesn't matter that me and Bob
didn't always see eye to eye.
What I am saying is that Bob Cromer
ignored some fundamental rules
of health and safety.
Day one of metal detecting school.
- Is there such a place? - No. - No.
Bob was not a member of this
club and I am glad,
because we have not had a fatality
in the DMDC for nearly three years,
and I intend to keep it that way.
So, chaps,
how did you get on with Bishop?
Has he shown you were he's
buried his wife yet?
Er, still very much in
the research phase, Terry.
Oh, you can't do too
much research, boys.
What are the three R's I'm always
talking about, Hugh?
Er, research, research, research.
That's right.
I made that up to emphasise how
important research is.
So, what is going on with
this Finds table?
That's two matchbox cars and it's...
Well, it's a spoon.
Whose is the spoon?
That's mine.
Do we have an ID on the spoon?
Little Chef.
Come on, people.
We can do better than this.
I suggest you all go and change
the batteries on your detectors.
So, why are you being
so secretive?
What do you think's on that farm?
Well, we know there's a big Saxon
ship burial around here somewhere.
King Sexred of the East Saxons.
Riches of the seventh century kings?
Exactly.
Why do you think he's around here?
We know he's around here. Bede says
so in Historia Ecclesiastica.
Whoa, you know the Venerable Bede?
Whoa,
do you know what patronise means?
Oh, sorry.
It's just I don't think half
the professors at university
have read Bede.
Well, you can learn
a lot from the amateurs.
We're the most passionate, the plebs.
Are you allowed to use that
word these days?
In a historical context,
yeah, it's fine.
I could do some reading at uni, if
you like, see what I can find out.
Yeah, cool.
Lance won't mind, will he?
No. Why would he?
Well, I think
he thinks I'm muscling in.
No, he's just very protective
of his patch and his hobby,
and he's got a big problem
with the Antiquisearchers.
The Antiquisearchers?
I know, right?
What does that even mean?
They've just taken the first
half of antiquities
and put it on the front
of searchers.
Why can't they just call themselves
the Antiquity Searchers?
It's not like it's pun or
brilliant word play, or anything.
Makes me mad.
And you think Lance has the problem.
Er, this next track... This...
This first track...
This track...
This... This song is about, er,
a very special lady...
I wrote this song about, er,
a very special person.
A person...who means
an awful lot to me.
A person whose light
I only saw after she was gone...
..and I was plunged into darkness.
This is a song about how you...
you don't really know what you've
got until it's gone.
About how...you don't appreciate
the good things in your life...
..until they bunk off with
the manager of the local Pizza Hut.
Thank you.
It's actually all right.
It's surprisingly good.
Tell me the lyrics.
- Can't remember them.
- Yes, you can, some of them.
You'll have to come along.
- It's about Maggie.
- I reckon so. Well, yeah, it is.
And are you singing,
or just playing?
Might lay down a harmony.
Oh, my God. I think I'm going
to have to come.
I'll work through lunch
to get my marking done. Wait...
And Lance is going to be
sitting on the floor...?
Cross-legged.
So, who's the front man?
He is, I suppose.
With you standing behind him
staring at the ground?
I won't be staring at the ground.
What do you mean?
You are always
staring at the ground.
- No, I'm not. - You are.
You're always scanning
the ground looking for stuff.
You can't help yourself.
It's all those years detecting.
You never look up.
No wonder you've got a bad back.
- Come on. - Honestly.
I bet you'd be amazed at
the things you've missed
cos you've been locked in your own
little world staring at the floor.
Rubbish.
That is so cool.
Hey, mate?
Mate.
Sophie.
Did you phone her?
Texted.
- But I thought we were doing
this on our own. - We are.
She hasn't even got her detector.
What's the problem?
She already knew about the
permission.
- Yeah, only cos you told her.
- I don't remember telling her.
- That is so cool. - What's she saying?
- That was amazing.
Sophie.
Did you organise that for me?
- What? - The fly-past?
Huh?
Oh, never mind. How's it going?
Yeah, all right. Not bad.
Found anything?
Er, not much. Three copper nails
and a screwdriver.
You got copper nails.
I got five of them.
Ship's nails?
Nah, too modern.
These are brand-new.
Pain in the arse.
You know this Saxon king
that you're looking for?
Sexred, King of the
East Saxons, yes.
I'm not convinced that
he's buried here.
- Why not? Where's he buried, then?
- I'm not sure he's buried anywhere.
Well, he's got to be
buried somewhere.
The Venerable Bede...
Overrated.
OK.
Bede says that Sexred
and his brothers went to fight
the West Saxons.
They were slain in Wessex.
Yeah, and then they brought
the body back here.
The army was completely destroyed.
There was nobody left.
Well, a couple of them
carried the corpse here.
Sorry, I don't buy it.
Why are you so convinced
that he's here?
- He saw a documentary on Discovery
presented by Derek Thompson. - Who?
Charlie off of Casualty.
No, it...it's not actually
universally accepted
that they did voyage west, anyway.
Some sources believe that
the battle took place here.
What sources?
Charlie off of Casualty.
Who's that?
Where?
Over there.
- In the long grass.
- It's probably just a rabbit.
It's those wankers trying
to muscle in on our patch.
Morning, ladies.
- Havin' a cuddle?
- What's going on?
We don't have to
justify ourselves to you.
Right, so you're just having
a cuddle in the grass, then.
Come on, let's go.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
'Ere, look. Look at that.
You bastards.
Look, it's them copper nails.
Right, I'm calling the police.
Er, for what reason?
This is a public right of way.
We've got just as much right
to be on this land as you have.
Hello? Er, police?
All right. Just hold on.
Yeah, I'm in a field on the
Birchwood Road
and I've come across a couple,
I assume they're a couple,
canoodling in the long grass.
I know you're not on the phone.
Hm? Describe them?
Well... They look a bit like the
folk duo, Simon and Garfunkel.
Yeah. Yeah, Mrs Robinson.
I know you're not
on the phone. So...
Come on. Let's go.
Who were they?
Antiquisearchers.
Hey, there!
Don't worry, they won't bite.
They're only being friendly.
Here he is.
I've been looking for you chaps.
I've found this for you.
- Larry, this is Sophie. - Hi.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
This is what I was
telling you about.
Old Man Adam found these
when he was ploughing, God knows
how many years ago.
30, 40 years ago...?
They're probably nothing.
You're right there, Larry.
Probably worthless.
Well, you're welcome to have them.
Oh, no, no, no.
You keep hold of them.
- Any idea where they were ploughed up?
- I'm not exactly sure,
but it wasn't in the paddock.
Don't go diggin' around down there.
Not allowed in the paddock.
Right you are, Larry.
What do you think this
is made of? Brass?
Could be brass, Larry...
Could be brass.
Come on, girls. Come on.
Come on.
- We gotta tell him. - Tell him what?
- You know damn well, what.
That was gold. - So?
We have a responsibility
to report it.
Wrong. We don't have a
responsibility to do anything.
It's nothing to do with us.
Listen, you tell him
what those things are
and he'll be on the phone
to the Eastern Daily press
and this whole place will be
crawling with stubble surfers
faster than you can say
Staffordshire Hoard.
Have plenty of time to report
to our local Finds Liaison Officer
when we actually find something.
This could be a site of
real importance!
Let's hope so.
Look, I'm not trying to do anything
illegal or underhand.
We didn't find those things.
Old Man Adam did, over 40 years ago.
So, when we do find something,
well, we'll...
We'll go through
the proper channels.
Declare it, all above board.
But let's find it first. All right?
Told you. See?
Venerable Bede...
Full of shit.
Aha!
- What is it? - What you got?
Ford Mustang.
Matchbox car.
Chevrolet Corvette.
How in God's name does that get
into the middle of a field in Essex?
Dunno.
I mean, who's been playing
with cars up here?
Dunno.
You know, a Roman coin, I can
understand, but a Chevy Corvette?
Doesn't make any sense.
'Ere!
D'ya hear about old Bob Cromer?
What about him?
- Dead, mate. - Shut up.
- Struck by lightning. - No.
Third this year.
Janet Horrowell, Greg Peters
and now poor old Bob.
- You know why, don't you? - Why?
Cos the best finds always appear
right before a thunderstorm.
Suddenly, you've left it too late,
and you're the highest point
in the landscape.
All three were running
when they were struck.
- What a way to go. - Yeah.
What you got?
Pontiac Firebird.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely isles for me?
♪ Climb through the briar
and brambles?
♪ I'll be your treasure... ♪
You fancy a cup of
Good Morning America?
No, thanks.
Ah! That is a damn fine
cup of coffee.
- Which...? - Twin Peaks.
So, I was thinking about getting
the band back together.
What band?
You and me.
Were we in a band?
Well, we jammed together
a few times.
I only remember once, round
your flat trying to do Wonderwall
- and you couldn't reach the high
notes. - No. It was more than once.
Did we have a name?
- Fanny Magnet.
- That's right. Fanny Magnet.
Anyway, I've written a new song.
I want to do it at the
open mic at the White Horse.
- What's the song called? - New Age Girl.
- Is it about Maggie? - No.
All right. I'm up for it,
if it's any good.
Well, come around to mine
Tuesday night before we head off to
the club and I'll play it for you.
Hey, there.
Who's this?
Looks like Simon and Garfunkel.
- Hello, there. - Wotcher.
How are we?
Feeling groovy.
Good, good.
- Lovely day. - Isn't it?
Haven't seen one of them
for a few years.
Oh, what, the Arado? Yeah, they're
pretty rare these days but, er...
There's still a few out there
if you know where to look.
Antique shops?
They're certainly classics, yeah.
So you've gone for the CTX.
Mmm... Good machine.
Bit flashy for my liking.
Yeah, not really your style.
Do you have permission
to detect on this land?
Indeed we do. Do you?
Who from?
Not tellin' ya.
- Immature. - Are you?
No. You are.
- We got here first.
- Well, there's nothing stopping us
getting permission from
the land owner.
Farmer Bishop gave us
exclusive rights. 50/50.
Well, then, we shall have to see
if we can make Farmer Bishop
a more attractive proposition.
Who are you, a Bond villain?
We've done extensive research.
I assume you have done the same.
- Course. - Yep.
We shall see.
Mr Bond.
- Come on. - Oh. Sorry, mate.
Didn't mean to make you cry.
It's hay fever.
Don't cry, mate. I feel awful.
It's hay fever.
I forgot to take an antihistamine.
Well, you want to borrow my hanky?
Not crying.
Do you want a little tissue, mate?
Please don't cry!
That doesn't bode at all well.
What was in that file?
Maybe they know what's in here.
We need to go and see Bishop,
tell him not to give anyone
else permission.
Yeah, can... Can you pop
round on the way home?
I... I've gotta go and see Mags.
Help out in the shop.
What? When will you learn to say no?
I don't want to say no.
I want to help her.
All right, I'll go, but remember,
I don't have any of your
charm or charisma.
Do your best.
Hey, you animals! Get down!
Be quiet!
Yes?
Hello, Mr Bishop, it's me.
I came with my friend to ask for
permission to detect on your land?
Oh, yes. The metal detectors.
Detectorists.
Yes. Have you found something?
- Not yet, Mr Bishop. - Larry.
Not yet, Larry,
but we were wondering
whether you wouldn't mind
not giving permission
- to anyone else to search your land.
- Right.
It's just that there's a contingency
of rogue detectorists out there.
Rogues?
Treasure hunters.
They'll come under
the cover of night
and rob important sites
of their artefacts.
Good God.
I know. It's despicable.
I tell you what I remembered
just after you left,
there were some things ploughed up
a few years ago
that might be of interest to you.
- What sort of things?
- Well, I don't know. Trinkets.
Looked like costume jewellery to me.
- Any idea what happened to them?
- Somewhere around. God knows where.
I did offer them to Justine,
but she thought they were ugly.
- Is that your wife? - Where? - No.
You... You mentioned Justine
and I wondered whether
Justine was your wife.
Justine isn't here.
Come on! Where are you?
Stop chasing those rabbits.
You'll never catch them,
you fat, unhealthy creatures.
Quite mad.
- I can see. - Yes.
Well, cheerio, then. I'll, er...
I'll keep my eyes peeled
for those things.
Come on, then. Come along.
We'll go the other way this time.
Bit of a change, eh?
I think so. It'll be good. Come on,
then. You've got to keep up.
Oh, that's lovely, Lance.
How exciting.
Yeah. Well, I thought,
nothing to lose.
I always said you should do
something with your music, didn't I?
- You did. - I used to love it
when you played your mandolin.
Reminded me of Kermit.
Kermit plays a banjo.
How exciting, though.
Think you can come?
Definitely.
What is all this?
Says "Mixed Spiritual" on the box.
Yeah, it's spiritual stuff.
Mixed.
Tarot cards. Dream catchers.
Resin dragons. Oh!
There's this massive warehouse
out by Stansted.
You buy it by the weight.
It's cheap, you just don't know
what you're going to get.
- Spiritual lucky dip. - Kind of, yeah.
Found it!
- Oh... Great. - All right, Lance.
She got you slaving?
Tony, I didn't realise you were
here. Not lending a hand?
- I can't. My herniated discs.
- Gutted.
Lance has invited us to a folk
night at the White Horse next week.
- Sounds good.
- Lance is doing a gig.
It's not a gig. I might do a song.
Haven't decided yet. Probably won't.
All right, Lance! Rock'n'roll.
What's the song about?
- Nothing. - Nothing? What's it called?
- If that's everything, Maggie.
I'll get off. - Yeah, thanks, love.
Oh, and you're still OK
to take my mum to bingo?
Er, yeah. OK.
- Er... You not free?
- Nah, football.
- Oh, right. You playing?
- Watching.
- Portman Road? - No. On TV.
- Right. - Thanks, love. You know,
she loves her bingo.
Yeah. OK. See ya.
- Bye-bye, Lance. - Bye, love.
Oh. That's lovely.
- I'm going back to bed. - OK.
- Afternoon, sir. - Hello.
- Do you have a child in
this school, sir? - Pardon?
Do you have a son or a daughter
who attends this school?
No, I don't have any kids.
Right.
Just taking a few photos?
Checking my messages.
Can I ask what you're doing here?
Waiting for my girlfriend.
She'll be out in a minute.
What class?
Er... Chaffinch Class, I think.
I think all the pupils
from Chaffinch Class have gone.
She's the teacher.
She's not... She's a teacher.
Here she is now.
Rightio, sir.
It's just you were making
some of the mums nervous.
Hello. This is a nice surprise.
Good day?
Yeah, not bad.
Do I look like a paedophile?
What?
I've just been
questioned by a policeman
cos I was making mums nervous.
Well, you do have a bit
of a look about you.
What kind of look?
I'd have said more drug dealer
than paedophile.
Oh... That's what it must be.
- Yeah. - I feel better now.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Lance is not my boyfriend.
He worships you.
He does not. He thinks
I'm a wet blanket.
- Maybe he's more astute than I give
him credit for. - Ha, ha, ha. Cute.
I think he's lonely.
He says he wants to get the
old band back together.
- You and Lance were in a band?
- Apparently.
What were you called?
Can't remember.
He says he wants us to do
one of his songs
at the White Horse next Thursday.
Can you come?
- No. It's a school night,
I have marking to do. - Oh, bugger.
What's brought this on, then?
Is he having a crisis?
I think he's trying
to impress Maggie.
Oh, dear.
He really needs to move on.
- What's the song like?
- Haven't heard it yet.
Could be excruciating.
Could be really embarrassing.
Please come.
You're really selling it.
I'd truly love to, but I'll
have 30 stories to read.
Imagine their little faces
when I say,
- I couldn't be bothered and
went to the pub instead. - Fuck 'em.
- Hello, mate.
- Do you like swedes?
No. Er, no, the vegetable.
Good.
Yeah, come round,
I'll knock you something up.
Oh, you speak to Bishop?
Yeah, interesting. He's utterly mad.
I'll tell you when I come round.
I'm in the middle of something.
The A414.
All right. See ya.
So, he reckons he's still got
some of the artefacts?
He reckons so.
Don't knock on the glass, mate.
Stresses them out.
I wasn't going to.
So, what we eating?
Swede surprise.
Oh, yeah. What's the surprise?
How bland it is.
Hmm...
That is bland.
Surprisingly bland.
Wish you hadn't told me.
Speaking of which,
how much are we going to tell the
rest of the club about Bishop's farm?
Well, I reckon we keep it to
ourselves for the tambourine.
I mean, if they get wind of the fact
that there's been a previous
excavation
and Bishop's finds, whatever
they turn out to be...
Well, someone'll phone the beards
and it'll all be over.
Let's just tell them we're
still in the research phase.
Deal. So, when am
I going to hear this song of yours?
Er, I... I don't know
if I want to do that any more.
Oh, what? I built myself up for it.
I've invited some A&R people down.
I've run into a problem.
Yeah?
I can't stand up.
Yes, you can. I've seen you.
- No, I... I can't stand up
and play the mandolin. - Why not?
I've practised too long sitting
cross-legged on the floor.
When I get up, it just goes to shit.
Well, sit down and play me the song.
♪ Back when the sky
was clear and blue
♪ I met a girl who
looked like you
♪ But when she opened her arms
I fell clean through
♪ And now I don't know what to do. ♪
Well?
That's quite good.
You... You sound surprised.
- I am. I'm astounded.
- You think it's astounding?
No. I'm astounded that
it's quite good.
Fair enough.
Course, it's 90% instinct.
What are you swinging these days,
young Hugh?
I still have the VK30.
Hm... Nothing wrong with a VK30.
Good, solid detector.
Basic, but it's got its place.
Yeah, many a good find
found with the 30.
In fact... Tezler?
- What d'they find the Eynsford
hoard with? - XP Deus.
Was it? Oh.
I thought it was VK30.
Anyway, good on ya.
You and Lance have
your permission yet?
How did you know about that?
- You told me, didn't you? - Did I?
Well done, mate. Who else you told?
Don't worry. I won't mention it.
Why is it a secret?
It's not a secret, it's just we're
still researching it.
I would not wish being struck
by lightning on anyone, Russell.
You just said he deserved it.
That's not what I said.
You never liked Bob Cromer.
But that's not the point.
Doesn't matter that me and Bob
didn't always see eye to eye.
What I am saying is that Bob Cromer
ignored some fundamental rules
of health and safety.
Day one of metal detecting school.
- Is there such a place? - No. - No.
Bob was not a member of this
club and I am glad,
because we have not had a fatality
in the DMDC for nearly three years,
and I intend to keep it that way.
So, chaps,
how did you get on with Bishop?
Has he shown you were he's
buried his wife yet?
Er, still very much in
the research phase, Terry.
Oh, you can't do too
much research, boys.
What are the three R's I'm always
talking about, Hugh?
Er, research, research, research.
That's right.
I made that up to emphasise how
important research is.
So, what is going on with
this Finds table?
That's two matchbox cars and it's...
Well, it's a spoon.
Whose is the spoon?
That's mine.
Do we have an ID on the spoon?
Little Chef.
Come on, people.
We can do better than this.
I suggest you all go and change
the batteries on your detectors.
So, why are you being
so secretive?
What do you think's on that farm?
Well, we know there's a big Saxon
ship burial around here somewhere.
King Sexred of the East Saxons.
Riches of the seventh century kings?
Exactly.
Why do you think he's around here?
We know he's around here. Bede says
so in Historia Ecclesiastica.
Whoa, you know the Venerable Bede?
Whoa,
do you know what patronise means?
Oh, sorry.
It's just I don't think half
the professors at university
have read Bede.
Well, you can learn
a lot from the amateurs.
We're the most passionate, the plebs.
Are you allowed to use that
word these days?
In a historical context,
yeah, it's fine.
I could do some reading at uni, if
you like, see what I can find out.
Yeah, cool.
Lance won't mind, will he?
No. Why would he?
Well, I think
he thinks I'm muscling in.
No, he's just very protective
of his patch and his hobby,
and he's got a big problem
with the Antiquisearchers.
The Antiquisearchers?
I know, right?
What does that even mean?
They've just taken the first
half of antiquities
and put it on the front
of searchers.
Why can't they just call themselves
the Antiquity Searchers?
It's not like it's pun or
brilliant word play, or anything.
Makes me mad.
And you think Lance has the problem.
Er, this next track... This...
This first track...
This track...
This... This song is about, er,
a very special lady...
I wrote this song about, er,
a very special person.
A person...who means
an awful lot to me.
A person whose light
I only saw after she was gone...
..and I was plunged into darkness.
This is a song about how you...
you don't really know what you've
got until it's gone.
About how...you don't appreciate
the good things in your life...
..until they bunk off with
the manager of the local Pizza Hut.
Thank you.
It's actually all right.
It's surprisingly good.
Tell me the lyrics.
- Can't remember them.
- Yes, you can, some of them.
You'll have to come along.
- It's about Maggie.
- I reckon so. Well, yeah, it is.
And are you singing,
or just playing?
Might lay down a harmony.
Oh, my God. I think I'm going
to have to come.
I'll work through lunch
to get my marking done. Wait...
And Lance is going to be
sitting on the floor...?
Cross-legged.
So, who's the front man?
He is, I suppose.
With you standing behind him
staring at the ground?
I won't be staring at the ground.
What do you mean?
You are always
staring at the ground.
- No, I'm not. - You are.
You're always scanning
the ground looking for stuff.
You can't help yourself.
It's all those years detecting.
You never look up.
No wonder you've got a bad back.
- Come on. - Honestly.
I bet you'd be amazed at
the things you've missed
cos you've been locked in your own
little world staring at the floor.
Rubbish.
That is so cool.
Hey, mate?
Mate.
Sophie.
Did you phone her?
Texted.
- But I thought we were doing
this on our own. - We are.
She hasn't even got her detector.
What's the problem?
She already knew about the
permission.
- Yeah, only cos you told her.
- I don't remember telling her.
- That is so cool. - What's she saying?
- That was amazing.
Sophie.
Did you organise that for me?
- What? - The fly-past?
Huh?
Oh, never mind. How's it going?
Yeah, all right. Not bad.
Found anything?
Er, not much. Three copper nails
and a screwdriver.
You got copper nails.
I got five of them.
Ship's nails?
Nah, too modern.
These are brand-new.
Pain in the arse.
You know this Saxon king
that you're looking for?
Sexred, King of the
East Saxons, yes.
I'm not convinced that
he's buried here.
- Why not? Where's he buried, then?
- I'm not sure he's buried anywhere.
Well, he's got to be
buried somewhere.
The Venerable Bede...
Overrated.
OK.
Bede says that Sexred
and his brothers went to fight
the West Saxons.
They were slain in Wessex.
Yeah, and then they brought
the body back here.
The army was completely destroyed.
There was nobody left.
Well, a couple of them
carried the corpse here.
Sorry, I don't buy it.
Why are you so convinced
that he's here?
- He saw a documentary on Discovery
presented by Derek Thompson. - Who?
Charlie off of Casualty.
No, it...it's not actually
universally accepted
that they did voyage west, anyway.
Some sources believe that
the battle took place here.
What sources?
Charlie off of Casualty.
Who's that?
Where?
Over there.
- In the long grass.
- It's probably just a rabbit.
It's those wankers trying
to muscle in on our patch.
Morning, ladies.
- Havin' a cuddle?
- What's going on?
We don't have to
justify ourselves to you.
Right, so you're just having
a cuddle in the grass, then.
Come on, let's go.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
'Ere, look. Look at that.
You bastards.
Look, it's them copper nails.
Right, I'm calling the police.
Er, for what reason?
This is a public right of way.
We've got just as much right
to be on this land as you have.
Hello? Er, police?
All right. Just hold on.
Yeah, I'm in a field on the
Birchwood Road
and I've come across a couple,
I assume they're a couple,
canoodling in the long grass.
I know you're not on the phone.
Hm? Describe them?
Well... They look a bit like the
folk duo, Simon and Garfunkel.
Yeah. Yeah, Mrs Robinson.
I know you're not
on the phone. So...
Come on. Let's go.
Who were they?
Antiquisearchers.
Hey, there!
Don't worry, they won't bite.
They're only being friendly.
Here he is.
I've been looking for you chaps.
I've found this for you.
- Larry, this is Sophie. - Hi.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
This is what I was
telling you about.
Old Man Adam found these
when he was ploughing, God knows
how many years ago.
30, 40 years ago...?
They're probably nothing.
You're right there, Larry.
Probably worthless.
Well, you're welcome to have them.
Oh, no, no, no.
You keep hold of them.
- Any idea where they were ploughed up?
- I'm not exactly sure,
but it wasn't in the paddock.
Don't go diggin' around down there.
Not allowed in the paddock.
Right you are, Larry.
What do you think this
is made of? Brass?
Could be brass, Larry...
Could be brass.
Come on, girls. Come on.
Come on.
- We gotta tell him. - Tell him what?
- You know damn well, what.
That was gold. - So?
We have a responsibility
to report it.
Wrong. We don't have a
responsibility to do anything.
It's nothing to do with us.
Listen, you tell him
what those things are
and he'll be on the phone
to the Eastern Daily press
and this whole place will be
crawling with stubble surfers
faster than you can say
Staffordshire Hoard.
Have plenty of time to report
to our local Finds Liaison Officer
when we actually find something.
This could be a site of
real importance!
Let's hope so.
Look, I'm not trying to do anything
illegal or underhand.
We didn't find those things.
Old Man Adam did, over 40 years ago.
So, when we do find something,
well, we'll...
We'll go through
the proper channels.
Declare it, all above board.
But let's find it first. All right?
Told you. See?
Venerable Bede...
Full of shit.
Aha!
- What is it? - What you got?
Ford Mustang.