Detectorists (2014–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Special - full transcript
BIRDSONG
FIERCE SHOUTING
SWORDS CLASH
HORSES BRAY
BIRDSONG
This programme contains
some strong language.
Morning.
It's Kevin, is it? Yeah.
Andy. Lance.
So, metal detectors, are you?
Detectorists.
Metal detectors are in
the boot, all ready to go.
So, drawing up a contract, as
discussed, outlining our agreement
that anything of any value is split
50-50 between us, the finders,
and you, the landowner.
I'll have a look.
Was wondering if you could
sign that now, actually, Kevin.
Better to get the paperwork in
place before we get started.
Well, OK.
So, which fields we allowed in?
Well, everything south of
here to the river is ours.
Winter barley is already
in at Brentford Road.
But, otherwise,
go where you like.
And nobody's ever searched
here before, to your knowledge?
Metal detectors?
Detectorists, yeah.
Not that I know of.
Well, thanks again. Cheerio.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you ten acres of prime pay dirt,
freshly ploughed, and
months till the crops go in.
Bring it on.
You're very welcome.
There are some guys mending
the fence down by the woods,
but they won't bother you.
Just tell them you're
the metal detectors.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me?
♪ Climb through the
briar and bramble
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you. ♪
Oi! Archaeology.
Eyes only.
Oh, nice. Look at that.
That's a...
That's a cup.
Oh. Really?
Anything else?
Uh, yeah, that... looks
like Colchester ware.
Made somewhere near Colchester.
That's great, completed.
Looks like it's got
some age to it. Ah.
You like crockery. You keep it.
I don't want it. It's
yours. You found it.
You keep it, you philistine.
Oh...
Not too bothered
about kitchenware.
I'm looking for metal.
LOW RUMBLING
RAPID BEEPING
Not happening?
What's that? The Scooby-Doo van?
Mystery Machine, yeah.
Here.
Oh.
Yeah. You know what that is?
I THINK I know what
it is. Sword pommel.
That's what I was going to say.
You didn't give me a chance.
You know what period?
BOTH: Saxon. Bloody hell.
Yeah, nice find.
Something for the
finds table at last.
You going along Tuesday?
What's happening?
Terry's giving a talk on
ground mineralisation.
Sounds unmissable.
Tell you what,
come round at 6:00.
I'll knock out a jalfrezi.
How's Toni?
Yeah, yeah...
OK.
Moved out a couple of weeks
ago now, back to her boat.
How's that feel?
Ah, can't lie.
Good to have the
place to myself.
She'll still come and stay,
but we couldn't live together.
I've got my hobbies, my stuff.
All my habits.
She missed her boat.
Why are you going this way?
There's roadworks up ahead.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate. You want
me to turn around?
No, it's all right.
Actually, can you pull
over a minute? Yeah.
ECHOING: ♪ ..Andy
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
There's soup in the kitchen
when you've finished
what you're doing.
JAR CLINKS
HE SIGHS
Andy, is that you?
Can you turn over
the fish fingers?
Yeah. Hello.
Stan, Daddy's home!
Daddy! Hello, sunshine.
Oh! You're too
old to be carried.
You're 18.
No, I'm not. I'm seven.
How old? Seven.
Well, you're too
big to be carried.
Did you find anything?
I did, actually.
I'll show you what I found.
Hi. Hey.
How did the interview go?
It went all right.
I knew everyone on the board,
it was all the school governors.
The fish fingers!
BECKY CHUCKLES
Where'd you find
your jar of pipes?
I went to the cottage.
Lance took a wrong turn.
I found it behind some beams.
How was it?
Really overgrown,
stinging nettles.
Sad. But not sad as it was.
So, if you get this job, a
headteacher's wages are, what,
substantially more? Why?
Have you got plans?
I think we should take the
cottage off the market.
Why? I want to try again.
Rebuild it.
We were doing so
well before the fire.
It's gone, Andy. There's
nothing left of it.
We still own the land.
We could sell this place, move
into a flat for a couple of months
while the structure goes
up, or even a static home,
then we can live on site.
We were just doing so well.
And I was doing that
online thatching course.
Seems a shame to give up on it.
What did you find with
your metal detector?
I'll show you what I
found. Part of a sword.
What part? You know the blade
of a sword, the long, shiny,
sharp bit that does all
the cutting and stabbing?
Yes.
Well, not that bit.
At the other end of a sword
is a thing called a pommel.
Imagine that at
the end of a sword.
LANCE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC
♪ First time in history
♪ It's gonna start raining men
♪ It's raining men
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS
♪ Gonna go out...
Let myself get
♪ Absolutely soaking wet... ♪
MUSIC STOPS
And the thing is,
it's nothing fancy.
It's just standard issue, which
could mean either a military base
or the site of a battle.
Go on.
Battle of Braintree. 599 CE.
Raedwald of East Anglia
versus Ethelbert of Kent,
and the first recorded
Christian army in Britain.
So writes the Venerable Bede.
But... the Christians are
coming from Canterbury
and the pagans from Rendlesham.
Why do they meet all
the way over there?
You think they met
somewhere around here?
It's a much more direct
route, and a more likely one.
Why's it called the
Battle of Braintree?
Well, it was when the farmer
mentioned Brentford Road.
Brentford would suggest a
ford through the River Brent.
But that river isn't called
the Brent. It's called...
The Blackwater. Exactly.
So, I delved a bit deeper. Guess
what it was called in Saxon times?
Could it possibly be...?
River Brent, from where
Braintree gets its name.
Huh.
So, once again, the Venerable Bede
is talking out of his arsehole.
Let's not talk about
this at the club tonight.
And I've been thinking.
Let's play down the, uh,
new permission, in general.
Play it down how?
Everyone knows about it.
They'll all be asking, especially
when they see my sword pommel.
Uh, cupboard or fridge?
Cupboard, you fool.
What about NOT putting your sword
pommel on the finds table this week?
What?
It'll just get
everyone all excited.
Damn right it will. That's the
best thing I've found in a year.
That's a potential
Find of the Month.
Well, it's only
the first Tuesday.
You can wait two weeks,
it'll still qualify.
Oh, man. I was looking
forward to showing that off.
Let's just wait and see if
anything else turns up next visit,
and then we can present
a body of evidence.
Where's that painting Stan
did for you? What's that?
Stan did you a painting at his
Saturday Club at the Scout hall.
It was on the fridge here.
Must have chucked it out.
Chucked it out, why?
Didn't you like it?
Well, it was fine. It
was a kid's painting.
I liked him giving it to
me. I liked the gesture.
But three weeks on the fridge -
I reckon that's fair enough.
Three weeks?
You want me to keep
all of them forever?
Your fridge is a fire hazard.
Mate. Oh, sorry, mate.
I-I wasn't thinking.
Do you write a best-before
date on them? Sometimes.
On a Post-it note.
Listen, about playing it
down, I just want us to have
a proper search before the
hordes come sniffing about.
If they ask where it is, just...
..be vague.
I have in my hand a piece of
paper that bears grave news.
That doesn't bode well.
Grave news seldom does, Russell.
It involves the future of this
hall and all the societies
and clubs that use it.
Long story short, developers
are sniffing around.
And the council are saying,
unless we raise the funds
for refurbishment, this
building will be demolished
and the land sold.
Added to which, it has
also been confirmed that,
despite our appeals, we are
to receive none of the reward
for the 162 Roman gold coins
that fell out of a tree
at our rally on Church Farm.
As you know, we, um, subsequently
discovered that the land
had been sold to
the solar company,
and we as a club had no
permission to be there.
Yeah, and Simon and bloody
Garfunkel did, so...
Much as it pains me
to say it, those two -
Terra Firma, or the Dirt Sharks, or
whatever they're calling themselves
these days - are claiming the
finder's share of the reward.
So we are going to need to
do some serious fundraising
if we're going to
keep this place.
Maybe it's finally time
for the naked calendar.
Well, I-I was thinking more
of a rally to begin
with, Russell.
You know, with an entrance fee.
But to do that, we are going to need
some really good land to detect on.
How's your new
permission, Lance? Andy?
Yeah, yeah. I...
I don't know, uh...
Don't hold out much hope
on that one, Terrence. No?
Uh, preliminary, uh,
recce's disappointing.
Hmm.
Yeah, well, one rally isn't going
to be enough to save this place,
but it would be a start.
So, any suggestions for a venue
will be gratefully received.
Along with any other
straws we can clutch at.
Tea's up.
Thanks, love.
All right, grab
yourselves a cuppa,
and then I'll get
started on my talk.
Who found the cup?
Lance did. Eyes only.
Ha!
How much was that
detector again, Lance?
You know you should get one that
actually detects metal, right?
No, no, Louise. Any
detectorist worth their salt
should regularly be
picking up eyes-only finds.
You should be using
all your senses,
constantly scanning
the ground for clues.
Pottery can tell you a lot
about a location. Uh-huh.
Great many gold
finds are eyes-only.
Because, Hugh...?
Um, cos gold doesn't corrode?
Good lad.
Comes out of the ground as
shiny as when it went in.
Right.
Are we ready for this
evening's lecture?
Ah.
LANCE YAWNS
I noticed you were being
very secretive about
your new permission
there, chaps.
No, uh... Thing is, Terry...
Landowner, Kevin,
he-he's a bit wary.
We need to tread carefully.
He only wants us on there.
Oh. He said that, did he?
Yep.
Yeah, he did.
He said, for now, at least,
he'd prefer it was just us.
Hmm.
Hello, DMDC. Ah.
All right, Becks?
Been out this evening?
Yeah, saw some friends.
All right, Terry? How'd your
talk go? What was it again?
Oh. Uh, the pros and cons
of calibrated balance versus
pulse induction when coping
with ground mineralisation.
Breathtaking. Intoxicating.
Ignore the sarcasm, Becky.
I think it was very informative.
And how did your Battle of
Braintree theory go down?
What's this now? Oh,
no... No, that was...
Uh, you're getting mixed up.
Am I... getting mixed up?
Yeah. Yeah, that...
that was something else.
The Battle of Braintree?
599, Raedwald versus Ethelbert.
What about it?
I'm sorry, Terry.
Apparently, I'm confused.
Uh, yes, Becky, I think you'll
find the Battle of Braintree
took place in Braintree.
ANDY CLEARS THROAT
"You're getting mixed up."
How fucking patronising!
I'm sorry. It was Lance, he
doesn't want anyone to know
about the battle thing. Why not?
Because he found the farm, he
wants to detect it himself.
So you're keeping it a secret?
Oh, Jesus. You're like kids.
You're a qualified archaeologist,
Andy. Well, what does that mean?
It means, why aren't you
taking this seriously?
The way you were
enthusing about it.
Why aren't you trying to get
funding for a dig or something?
This is my hobby.
You know what happened with the
archaeology, I got disillusioned.
Oh, yeah. Really quickly.
All those years studying,
you qualify, you do one job,
and then you chuck it all
in. What a waste of time!
Two jobs. And why is
it a waste of time?
I've still got all the knowledge.
Yeah, what do you use it for?
To make pedantic points
on metal detecting forums.
Is this how you feel? How long
have you been feeling like this?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm probably not.
I'm just pissed off you made
me look like an idiot in there.
But when you talk about
moving us into a caravan
so you can build a house,
while you talk about
learning to thatch -
online, for God's sake.
You're not a thatcher
or a builder.
You're an archaeologist!
There's no money in archaeology.
There's no money in
doing fuck all either!
LANCE ON PHONE: Yello?
All right, mate? Uh...
Any chance you could get
the afternoon off work?
I was going to head
over to the farm.
Uh... Hang on a sec.
Ted! All right if I knock off,
once I've done these 'shrooms?
Mum's been taken
into hospital again.
Yeah, OK.
I'll pick you up at
yours, uh, midday?
Copy that.
You did what?
Why?
I was just passing. I didn't know
when I'd next get the chance.
You had 14 days to
declare that find.
Why'd you have to
do it so quick?
Teacher's pet.
It's at the bottom of a pile
this big. It'll be months
before it's researched. Yeah,
months before you see it again, too.
And you can forget
Find of the Month.
You better not have told them
about the Battle of Braintree.
Just left it at reception.
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
RAPID BEEPING
METALLIC CLINK
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
LOW RUMBLING
DETECTOR BEEPS
What was that? Thunder?
I don't know. Earth tremor?
Whatever it was, it came
at exactly the same point
as a beautiful
clear... Clear signal.
Yeah, me too.
Right when it happened. What...
What'd you find? You
won't believe it.
Another one, almost identical.
Shit.
You were right.
This can only be the
site of a battle.
Three of them in the same field.
That's not all I found. Look.
That's a bridle
fitting, strap end.
Yeah. Buckle.
And, uh... Well,
that's part of a spur.
Things were popping
up all over the place.
They were leaping
out of the ground.
I've never known a day like it.
This is massive.
Just think of it.
All that history, right there...
..under the Bodie.
Bodie?
Bodie and Doyle, soil.
Speaking of which, I suppose we
need to call in the professionals.
Professionals?
What, archaeologists?
Yeah. Shouldn't we?
This is massive, you said so
yourself. We need to tell someone.
Get a team down here.
We ARE the team.
We can do it ourselves.
We know what we're doing.
We're careful, diligent.
Archaeologists can't
excavate a whole field.
What are they going to
do, put down a trench?
In a battlefield?
No, this site needs to be
detected by detectorists.
We need to tell
someone. No, we don't.
Not yet.
Please, Andy.
Look, let's just the two of us do
it, just for a little bit longer.
It's the best permission
we've had in years.
DETECTOR BEEPS
LOW RUMBLING
Hey, Andy, do feel that one?
Andy!
DETECTOR BEEPS
Mate?
What you got?
Nothing.
Oh, I thought you called me.
You looked like you had
something. Concentrating.
Ah, turned out to be nothing.
Nothing at all?
Uh...
It's, uh...
Uh...
Lead.
Lump of lead.
Oh, well.
Can't really complain.
It's been a good day.
Pub?
Yeah. Uh, no.
No, I've, er...
I've got... I've got
to go and do something.
Uh, better get off.
Oof.
Found a buckle and a strap
end in the same hole.
Found a buckle, checked again,
another signal. Amazing.
Huh.
How deep were you
finding things?
All of mine were pretty much
within four inches of the surface.
ENGINE ROARS Uh-huh...
You're driving fast.
We're under the speed limit.
It just feels fast cos we're
close to the ground in this car.
Why are you driving faster
than you usually do?
Am I? I hadn't noticed.
All right if I drop you here?
Here? Yeah.
OK.
Well, it's just
a bit further on.
Yeah. OK. Cheers for the lift.
TYRES SCREECH
Wait. Mate... Mate! You got...
You drove off with my
detector, you prick.
Can you make sure it doesn't
stay in the boot all night?
And can you give it a wipe
down with a damp cloth?
And can you make sure it's fully
charged before we go out again?
And give me a ring back or a text,
so I know you got this message.
DOOR OPENS, KEYS JANGLE
Oh, hey. You're home early.
I didn't get the job, so I
took the rest of the day off.
Oh, shit. Who got it?
Someone from outside.
Don't know them.
Ah, well.
Bloody Lance drove off
with my bloody detector.
I was going to give it
a coat of wax tonight.
"Ah, well"?
Sorry. I was distracted.
I'm sorry you
didn't get the job.
I gave in my notice.
What? Like, as in...?
You know what "I gave in
my notice" means, Andy.
Means I've resigned.
OK, wow. Why are you
saying it like that?
Like what?
Like it's MY fault.
Please don't make this about
you, Andy, for Christ's sakes.
You didn't want to check
with me first? Ugh.
What happened to discussing things
and figuring them out together?
It was spur of the moment.
I didn't know I was going to do
it. But the minute they told me
I hadn't got the job, I
realised I was relieved.
It was a weight
off my shoulders.
I don't want to stay
in that same place,
with more work and
more responsibility.
I want a complete change.
Change from me?
BECKY SIGHS
SOBBING: That's not
what I said, Andy...
I love you, but...
..I'm so tired.
I haven't stopped.
Not after the fire.
Not after Mum died...
And dealing with all her
affairs, it's been...
SHE SNIFFLES
It's been exhausting.
I'm so tired.
I need you to help me, Andy.
I need you to step up.
SHE SOBS
Gree... Greeden...
Greg... Gleg...
..my. Gregormy.
Gregormy.
PHONE BUZZES
Oh...
Hi, love.
Hmm?
No... No, don't-don't...
Don't come...
don't come round.
I-I-I'll meet you at the pub.
Yeah...
All right. Yeah.
All right, love.
OK. See you soon.
Yeah.
Mm. Me, too.
HE SIGHS
Ah.
Gregormy... Greg-or-my...
Greg-or-me...
Ah.
Gregorme...
LANCE GASPS
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ah...!
Who is it? It's me - Andy.
All right?
All right, mate?
You not going to invite me in?
Thing is, I was just getting
ready to go out and see Toni.
OK.
Well, can I get my detector?
I haven't got your detector.
You drove off with
it, you bastard.
I left you a message.
Oh, yeah. I-I saw you rang.
I haven't listened to it.
I'll go get the key.
ANDY SIGHS
Mate, I've got a confession.
I lied to you.
I DID tell the archaeology service
about the Battle of Braintree idea,
and they're really interested.
I knew you did.
Teacher's pet.
So, that's that, is it?
They'll soon be down.
Their cordons and
their little
trowels and brushes.
Brush me off my own permission.
They said the sword pommel wasn't
enough to go on, but if something
of significance were to turn
up, then there might be funding
available for an excavation.
I think what we found today,
including three sword pommels,
IS significant. And you wouldn't
be turfed off your permission
because I want to
go back to work.
I want to be part of the
team that does the dig.
And you can, too,
you can be involved.
Very noble of you.
This is Becky's doing, isn't it?
Becky's DOING?
What, like a spell?
We talk about stuff, and we talked
about me going back to work,
and we decided it was a good idea.
She didn't put a curse on me.
Well, do you know what?
I don't think three sword
pommels IS very significant.
I think it's little more
than a coincidence. What?
What about "this is massive"?
What about "all that
history under the Bodie"?
I was just excited after
finding a few interesting bits.
Do what you want.
I'm going to be late.
Got to go and meet Toni.
Mate, come on. This
is important to me.
I'm telling the club on Tuesday.
I'm going to put all my
finds on the finds table.
Do what you want.
Hello, you.
Hi, love.
Sorry. Have you been
here long? Uh...
Five minutes. You're all right.
Expecting someone?
QUIETLY: I need you to
take something for me.
Look after it on your boat.
Stash it somewhere safe.
What's in it?
I can't tell you.
No, then.
Pardon?
Sorry, you're asking
me to hide a briefcase?
No, I won't.
What are you talking
about, Lance? What's in it?
Just something I
found metal detecting.
Well, it's obviously not
just something you found,
or it wouldn't be
in a briefcase.
Why is it in a briefcase?
Where did you get
a briefcase from?
Oh, God.
You can't tell anyone.
I've broken protocol... badly.
Oh, I see.
Shiny. Yeah.
Gold.
What is it?
Don't know.
Can't find out.
Is that writing?
Yeah.
What does it say?
I don't know.
Can't find out.
How have you broken
the protocol?
I hid it from Andy.
Didn't tell him.
Why not?
Because he wants to call in the
beards, and it's my permission.
He wants to turn it into
a proper organised dig.
He's talking about going
back to work in archaeology,
and he thinks he's going to head
a team that's going to discover
the site of a major
historic battle.
Well, that all sounds amazing.
Well, when I put it like
that, it does, yeah.
How else might you put it?
It's my permission. I
found that permission.
I want to do it with
MY metal detector.
Lance, listen to yourself.
This sounds like an incredible
opportunity for Andy.
It sounds really exciting.
For you, as well.
Just tell him.
Show him the gold.
I broke it.
He'd never trust me again.
Can't you find it again?
What?
Find it again.
But this time, make sure
Andy sees you find it.
I could.
I-I-I COULD find it again.
Even better. Have
loads of witnesses,
hold one of your
detecting rallies.
Find the gold, take the glory,
and then do the right thing
and hand it all over to Andy
and the beards,
as you call them.
I'd have to dance.
Hmm?
I'd have to fake a
convincing gold dance.
At a rally, it'd be expected.
Do you want me to help
you work something out?
No, no...
I could...
..throw a few moves together,
make it look spontaneous.
Not too slick.
TONI LAUGHS
Well, this is unprecedented.
The first time we have ever
had to extend the finds table.
THUD! Sorry I'm late.
Hello, Russ.
You look well.
I didn't know you played squash.
Just taken it up.
Oh. Hello. You had a trim?
Just a tidy-up.
Wahey! Look at this.
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're going
to need a bigger finds table.
You know, like in Jaws.
Whose is all this?
Lance and Andy's new permission.
Well, you know what all
this is saying to me?
It's saying, site of
potentially great importance.
Yeah, well, I've got a theory
about that, actually, Terry.
I've been looking into it,
and I think it would be worth
informing the archaeology
service. I agree.
Do you?
Yeah. Makes sense.
I-I was wondering, Terry,
if we were to detect the whole
site first, catalogue all the finds
just below the surface,
give them a better idea of where
to put down their little trenches.
Do you reckon you could get
us ALL on that permission?
Yeah, I've already
spoken to Kevin.
Gave him a bell. He's
happy to let anyone on.
What's this?
Yeah. Don't you think?
Share the wealth?
How quickly can you
scramble a rally, Telford?
This weekend? Sunday?
I think it's eminently doable.
What are you doing? What
about asking me first?
I thought it was what you
wanted. That's not what I said.
"Get loads of
people down there."
Yeah, archaeologists.
You said yourself, the
archaeologists will only come
if we find something
significant.
More people that get down here,
better chance we have of finding it.
Then you can invite all
your beardy bum chums.
Hmm, what, £5 fee? What'd
you reckon, tenner?
LIVELY HUBBUB
Hi, Andy, how are you?
I'm well, thanks, Toni.
Have we got that
gold dance ready?
Pardner, got a gold dance ready?
Got a good feeling about today.
Does everyone want to
start gathering around?
That's it, folks.
Welcome, everybody.
Now, first things first.
Many thanks to Lance and Andy
for sharing their permission.
The lunch whistle will be
blown at midday precisely.
And, Russell, I believe you're going
to read the blessing for us today.
Our farmer, who art named Kevin,
furrowed be thy plain.
Viking for some,
Saxon, Roman, unearthed
so it isn't hidden.
Give us permission
this day to tread
so we won't be trespassers,
as trespassing leaves
a bad taste among us,
and lead us not
into frustration,
but deliver us medieval.
Decline aluminium,
whatever the weather.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
DETECTOR BEEPS
♪ Will you swim through
the briny sea for me?
♪ Roll along the ocean's floor?
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I'm with the ghosts of the
men who can never sing again
♪ There's a place Follow me
♪ Where a love lost at sea
♪ Is waiting for you... ♪
WHISTLE BLOWS
♪ Is waiting for you. ♪
Marked the spot with
a big lump of flint.
It's called a hag stone.
Farmers used to hang them in
their barns, ward off witches.
That one. I know, I'm on it.
I was watching you. You're
behaving so suspiciously.
I'm surprised nobody's guessed.
Why haven't you found it yet?
Keep your voice down.
THROUGH TEETH: When are
you going to find it?
No gold has ever been
found before lunch.
Ever.
If I'd have dug it up this
morning, they'd have smelled a rat.
That's rubbish.
Ideally, it'd be the
last signal of the day.
Gold usually is.
I'll know when
the time is right.
That one. I know, I've got it.
I didn't realise you were
actually going to bury the gold.
Could you have not just
had it in your pocket
and dropped it in the hole?
Oh, bloody hell.
That's a MUCH better idea.
What a fool.
VEHICLE APPROACHES
Unbelievable.
Well, hello there.
Didn't know the DMDC
was still going.
This is OUR rally.
Go on, get lost.
You're not welcome.
I believe it was
an open invitation.
You greedy pigs!
You didn't find those coins.
Neither did any of you.
They fell out the trees.
Truth is, when we heard the DMDC
didn't have the correct paperwork
in place, we had to
distance ourselves from you.
You must understand that to share
the reward money with the DMDC
would mean we condone
your behaviour.
We were in a corner.
We needed that money
to save our Scout hall.
Do you know how many clubs
and societies use that hall?
Oh, Sheila.
You're breaking my heart.
You're shaking my
confidence daily.
Go on. Hop it.
If the National Council for
Metal Detecting were to find out
you held a rally on land
you had no right to be on -
if someone were to tell them -
well, they might just
strip you of your licence.
This is Craig.
He helps us out.
Oh, hello, Craig.
Shall we?
Did I see you detecting
backwards earlier?
Just trying something out.
Oi, where'd you
get that? Found it.
Call 'em 'ag stones. I
know what they call them.
Farmers used to hang them in their
barns to ward off the witches.
I know what farmers
used to do...
I think I might pop
that on the finds table.
Eyes only.
Hardly a find, is it?
Should have left
it where it was!
DETECTOR BEEPS
Hey!
Over here!
Ah, it's nothing.
All right, Lance?
Anything?
Nothing much to
speak of, really.
You?
Late 20th-century pocket drop.
Bunch of keys.
£1.22.
And a Nokia 5110.
Look at that! Yeah. Ha.
Yeah, I haven't seen
one of them in years.
My first mobile
was one of these.
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
Hugh!
Come over and check
your signal for me.
Right there.
SUSTAINED TONE
You want to dig that?
This was fashion accessory
of the year in 1999.
Got mine in '98.
What's the circuitry
in one of those?
What sort of signal
reading did you get?
HUGH: Terry! Russell!
Come and have a look
at this! What's that?
Louise! Varde! Is...
Is he dancing?
It's gold!
Bloody hell!
EXCITED COMMOTION
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Careful, careful.
Just stand back. Stand back.
Give it some room.
What have we got, Andy?
About six inches down,
popped straight out.
We are going to need tape
cordons and GPS coordinates.
TRANSMISSION DOUBLED: Terry for
Sheila. Sheila, do you copy? Over.
FEEDBACK WHINES Sh...
Oh. Forgot to give
her the other unit.
Sheila! Cordons!
First things first, we
need to get that into
a humidity controlled
environment. Where's Lance?
Oh, it's all right. I can see
Sheila coming with some tape.
Where's Lance?
Find something significant?
I think I might have.
Congratulations.
Did you check your hole?
Hugh? Could you?
SUSTAINED TONE
No way.
DETECTORISTS CHEER
So, you can hold it there. We'll
take some more away if we need to.
So, what are you
going to do, Jobless?
Sign on?
I don't know.
I'm going to take a year.
Try and turn Mum's mid-century
museum into a home.
Hang out with Stan.
I don't know.
Maybe try and learn
something new.
Hey! Come down!
Come and detect the spoil heap!
Do you want to?
I don't detect spoil heaps.
Vulgar.
Do you think they'll be OK?
Yeah, he'll get over it.
It was a good thing he did.
Andy's so excited.
I know. Look at him.
He's in his element. Mm-hm.
FAINT BATTLE DIN
Are you ready, Lance?
Shall we leave them to it?
Yeah.
You're very welcome.
Why is there a party at Uncle
Terry and Auntie Sheila's house?
You remember I told you all the
things we found in the field
went to the big
museum in London?
And the metal detecting club is
getting all the reward money.
Will Lance be there?
I hope so.
Has he really not been metal
detecting for a whole year?
So he says.
Unless he's been out secretly.
You know how you don't get to
keep the gold that you found?
Yeah, sadly.
We don't have to be sad.
No?
No, because I made you some
treasure at Saturday Club.
Did you?
Wait till you get
an eyeful of this.
Oh!
Wow!
That is magnificent.
Do you like it? I LOVE it.
Do you know who'd love
it even more than me?
Who? Uncle Lance.
He loves treasure.
I reckon he'd put this
on his special shelf
with all his favourite
finds, if you asked him.
Can I give it to Uncle Lance?
Oh, yes.
You wait till you see his face.
He is going to love this.
Oh, there they are.
Hello, Lance. Hello, Toni.
We're just having a photo done.
Terry, move in a bit.
Ah, ah. That's it.
Now, Andy, hold your
hands like this.
What we doing? Do we have to go
through all of this, Russell?
Can't we just take the photo?
Hold on. This is going to be good.
OK. And smile.
Ha-ha, ha-ha!
Hey, there she is, folks.
65 big ones to renovate the Scout
hall, starting with the kitchen.
And then on Saturday,
a press conference at
the British Museum,
where all the findings will
be revealed to the world.
Pity we can't all be there, but
I'm sure our two star members,
well, they'll be great
ambassadors for the club.
So, please, raise your
glasses to Andy and Hugh.
Cheers, boys. Cheers! Cheers.
Hey. Hello, mate.
Look at that.
Cheers. 65,000. Look at that.
Lemonade, Louise?
Varde?
No, you're all right. We're
all set, thanks, Sheila.
Craig, lemonade.
Thanks, Sheila. Very kind.
Yeah, so, soon
after they fired me,
they changed their name again.
From Terra Firma
to Absolut Hunters.
Oh, come on. You're kidding me.
No E in "absolute".
Like the vodka.
Wankers.
They got new bomber jackets
with "AH" on the back.
Arseholes.
Exactly.
Who's that? Uncle Russell.
And who are they?
Auntie Louise and Auntie Varde.
When's your new kitchen arriving
for the Scout hall, Terry?
Oh, couple of weeks. Yeah.
And we'll be very glad of
your new-found joinery skills
when the time comes, Becky.
But I do have a skip
coming on Saturday.
So anyone who's free and wants
to lend a hand dismantling
the old kitchen, filling a
skip, the more, the merrier.
And who's that?
Uncle Hugh. And who are they?
Uncle Lance and Auntie Sheila.
In terms of safety,
you don't need to keep
this refrigerated.
The main components are tomatoes
and vinegar, and they preserve it
at room temperature, cos
of their natural acidity.
All right, Lance?
Can I have a word?
All right, Hugh?
Um, I was wondering if you'd
take my place on Saturday
at the press conference.
Why?
I want to help
out with the skip.
I love skips. I don't
want to miss it.
That's rhubarb, Hugh.
I know what you're doing,
and it's very kind of you.
You're a good lad. I'm 38.
It should be you and
Andy who go there.
No, really, I don't
want to miss that skip.
Seriously?
Well, thanks, but, uh...
I have plans for Saturday.
Oh.
No, you don't.
I might have.
Well, you don't. Because you told
me in the car on the way over here.
Swallow your pride.
Go and talk to him.
All right? All right?
Get to find out on Saturday if
we were right about the battle.
Yeah. Exciting.
Sorry it's just the two invites.
Hugh reckons he's not going.
Really?
He likes skips. Yeah?
Well, then, YOU can come. Ah...
I'm busy, I'm afraid.
Meeting.
What sort of meeting?
General meeting.
Nothing you can get
out of? Doubtful.
Well, I'm catching the
8:30 from Henburystone.
Stan, Uncle Lance is here.
He made you something
at Saturday Club.
I-I don't want it. Stan, come and
show Uncle Lance what you made.
I don't want it.
Hello, Stan.
What the devil is
that? Is that for me?
I made it. It's great.
What is it? Treasure.
Because you didn't
find any gold.
Oh, right, I see.
He wants you to put it on
your special shelf, Lance.
You mean the shelf on which
I display my best finds
and most treasured possessions?
Yeah, that shelf.
Ask him how long he'll
keep it for, Stan.
How long will you keep it for?
Well, I'll level with you, Stan.
I'll keep it for three weeks.
How long is three weeks?
21 days precisely.
So that's, um...
29th of August.
Fair enough.
Good lad.
ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SQUEAK
TRAIN HORN BLARES
All right? All right.
You're cutting it fine.
Car wouldn't start.
Been watching
University Challenge?
I keep half an eye on it.
Did you see the episode...?
Questions on Sutton Hoo?
That's the one.
Episode 5, about 13 minutes in.
Unbelievable. What a
bunch of ignoramuses.
Not a single correct answer.
I assume you got them
all right? Yes. Easy.
Me too.
Easy.
Excited to see your gold again?
Hey, did you see the landowner,
Kevin, on The One Show?
He's come out of his shell.
I read he might
be doing Strictly.
So, who do you
think will be there?
Journalists, academics.
Everyone, I reckon.
Archaeology is the
new rock and roll.
All the big hitters will
be interested in this one.
Do you think... she'll be there?
Professor Alice Roberts?
It's not impossible.
Ready? Born ready.
Oh, excuse me.
Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, please, um...
..please come on forward. There's
some seats here to fill up.
Yes. Free up some space.
Thank you. Lovely to see you.
Good, good. Yes. Excellent.
Everybody in? Good.
I'd like to introduce Professor
Stephen Drinkwater from the
Early Medieval Collections
and Jennifer Maynard
from the Portable
Antiquities Scheme.
CLEARS THROAT
So to begin, is it too early to be
renaming the Battle of Braintree
the Battle of Danebury?
Well, the evidence is
extremely compelling.
It makes a very good
argument for that very...
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Right. ALARM BEEPS
Oh, there we go.
That'll be the press conference
starting down in London. Yeah.
Andy said he'd give us a
shout when it's all finished.
Right.
This is being picked up later
today, so we don't have much time.
Let's try and fill it,
and let's be ruthless.
Anything we don't need
goes straight in there.
Come on, then.
This inscription, we believe,
when complete, would have read,
"Gregoriouis Mekhet Gerikan."
"Gregory had me made."
And we now believe
that this is a panel
from an early
Christian reliquary.
As many of you know, Augustine
of Canterbury was sent
by Pope Gregory to convert King
Ethelbert of Kent to Christianity.
And he came - so writes
The Venerable Bede -
with many gifts, including a
gilded box containing a holy relic.
Now, according to Bede, this relic
was subsequently taken into several
battles, but we can find no
reference of what became of it.
So what relic would
it have contained?
Again, there's nothing
documented about its contents.
Most commonly, these reliquaries
claim to hold a bone fragment
or a piece of the True Cross.
But it's that old adage, if all
the pieces of the True Cross
were gathered together, there'd
be enough timber for 100 crosses.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
The only visual reference
we can find for a reliquary
of this period is depicted as
containing a bejewelled chalice,
presumably the
so-called Holy Grail.
But as I say, the contents of
these reliquaries were largely
symbolic, and Christ at the
Last Supper would certainly not
have been handing
around a golden chalice.
LAUGHTER
The real Holy Grail would have much
more likely been a simple clay cup.
What happened to the cup?
I don't know. Have...
have you still got...?
I'm just trying to think.
What did I do with it? I...
I found it. And then I...
Argh! I threw it to you!
I threw it back.
It was on the finds table.
I remember you put it on the finds
table that following Tuesday.
Yes. And Louise took the piss.
So what happened to it after
that, did you take it back?
I don't know. Think!
What do you suppose I
am doing, NOT thinking?
Shut up!
I've never thought so
hard in all my life.
Russell drank his
tea from it. Yes!
And then the week after, he trimmed
his beard, he looked years younger.
He must have been washed up
in the Scout hall kitchen.
The kitchen that everyone's
currently throwing into a skip.
Hell and blood!
PHONE VIBRATES
Can you help with this?
CROCKERY SMASHES
Careful, Varde. What was that?
Do you want to sweep up those
pieces before someone treads in it?
Are we getting new crockery?
Oh, yes.
Matching cups and saucers for
everyone from now on, Rus.
Shall I chuck these, then?
Well, just see if there's anything
in there that's good enough
for the charity shop first, eh?
Tessler, give me a ring back as
soon as you get this message.
There was a cup, a clay
cup, on the finds table.
Might be in lost property.
It might be in lost property.
But just don't throw
anything away, Tessler.
And give me a ring back as
soon as you get this message.
So you didn't declare it. You
didn't record the GPS coordinates.
You didn't even take a photo.
It was just a cup.
You said it was from Colchester.
I thought it was. There we are.
It probably was.
This is ridiculous.
Why are we even
talking about it?
Are we seriously entertaining the
idea that we might have found...?
PHONE RINGS
Tessler?
A what?
Look, sorry. You're breaking up.
Hello...
Signal.
What should I do with these,
Terry? What's in there?
Anything interesting?
Nah, nothing of interest.
Chuck it, I reckon.
Or leave it on the side
in case anyone else wants
another look through.
PHONE VIBRATES Hang on.
Hello, Lance. Sorry, mate.
We got cut off there.
I don't know what
happened. Terry.
Terry? Hello?
No, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
Terry? Yeah, I can hear
you. Can you hear me?
I can't hear him.
Ah...
Er... Ah!
Argh!
ENGINE STARTS
BANG What's that?
I forgot to pay the
car park. Good job.
Bag!
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Stop! Wait! Wait!
Don't let it go! What?
What? You just...
What's going on?
Has he gone? You finished?
Yeah. Why?
Everything? It's all...
You've cleaned everything out?
What have you lost?
Nothing. Nothing.
LANCE WHEEZES
Should have gone to
the landfill site.
It might have been obvious where
they dumped the most-recent stuff.
Oh, mate.
That way, madness lies.
Imagine trying to explain
that one to Becky.
You've just got to let it go.
Assume it wasn't what we don't
really believe it was anyway.
Don't we?
Don't we think it
could have been?
VOICES ECHO: Oi, archaeology.
Eyes only.
Oh, nice. Look at that.
That's a cup.
Oh, really? Anything else?
Looks like Colchester ware.
Somewhere near Colchester.
HUBBUB
QUIET PRAYER
WHEELS RATTLE
CRIES OF BATTLE
THUNDERCLAP
SWORDS CLASH
No, mate.
That way madness lies.
That way too, huh? Afraid so.
It's a minefield of madness.
Pub? Go on, then.
Ah, probably better we
didn't find the Holy Grail.
Imagine all the... Hullabaloo?
Right old brouhaha.
Do you feel that?
RUMBLING
What IS that?
I dunno.
Sonic boom? Fracking?
Have to ask the interweb.
RUMBLING CONTINUES
FIERCE SHOUTING
SWORDS CLASH
HORSES BRAY
BIRDSONG
This programme contains
some strong language.
Morning.
It's Kevin, is it? Yeah.
Andy. Lance.
So, metal detectors, are you?
Detectorists.
Metal detectors are in
the boot, all ready to go.
So, drawing up a contract, as
discussed, outlining our agreement
that anything of any value is split
50-50 between us, the finders,
and you, the landowner.
I'll have a look.
Was wondering if you could
sign that now, actually, Kevin.
Better to get the paperwork in
place before we get started.
Well, OK.
So, which fields we allowed in?
Well, everything south of
here to the river is ours.
Winter barley is already
in at Brentford Road.
But, otherwise,
go where you like.
And nobody's ever searched
here before, to your knowledge?
Metal detectors?
Detectorists, yeah.
Not that I know of.
Well, thanks again. Cheerio.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you ten acres of prime pay dirt,
freshly ploughed, and
months till the crops go in.
Bring it on.
You're very welcome.
There are some guys mending
the fence down by the woods,
but they won't bother you.
Just tell them you're
the metal detectors.
♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me?
♪ Climb through the
briar and bramble
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I'm waiting for you
♪ I'm waiting for you. ♪
Oi! Archaeology.
Eyes only.
Oh, nice. Look at that.
That's a...
That's a cup.
Oh. Really?
Anything else?
Uh, yeah, that... looks
like Colchester ware.
Made somewhere near Colchester.
That's great, completed.
Looks like it's got
some age to it. Ah.
You like crockery. You keep it.
I don't want it. It's
yours. You found it.
You keep it, you philistine.
Oh...
Not too bothered
about kitchenware.
I'm looking for metal.
LOW RUMBLING
RAPID BEEPING
Not happening?
What's that? The Scooby-Doo van?
Mystery Machine, yeah.
Here.
Oh.
Yeah. You know what that is?
I THINK I know what
it is. Sword pommel.
That's what I was going to say.
You didn't give me a chance.
You know what period?
BOTH: Saxon. Bloody hell.
Yeah, nice find.
Something for the
finds table at last.
You going along Tuesday?
What's happening?
Terry's giving a talk on
ground mineralisation.
Sounds unmissable.
Tell you what,
come round at 6:00.
I'll knock out a jalfrezi.
How's Toni?
Yeah, yeah...
OK.
Moved out a couple of weeks
ago now, back to her boat.
How's that feel?
Ah, can't lie.
Good to have the
place to myself.
She'll still come and stay,
but we couldn't live together.
I've got my hobbies, my stuff.
All my habits.
She missed her boat.
Why are you going this way?
There's roadworks up ahead.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate. You want
me to turn around?
No, it's all right.
Actually, can you pull
over a minute? Yeah.
ECHOING: ♪ ..Andy
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
There's soup in the kitchen
when you've finished
what you're doing.
JAR CLINKS
HE SIGHS
Andy, is that you?
Can you turn over
the fish fingers?
Yeah. Hello.
Stan, Daddy's home!
Daddy! Hello, sunshine.
Oh! You're too
old to be carried.
You're 18.
No, I'm not. I'm seven.
How old? Seven.
Well, you're too
big to be carried.
Did you find anything?
I did, actually.
I'll show you what I found.
Hi. Hey.
How did the interview go?
It went all right.
I knew everyone on the board,
it was all the school governors.
The fish fingers!
BECKY CHUCKLES
Where'd you find
your jar of pipes?
I went to the cottage.
Lance took a wrong turn.
I found it behind some beams.
How was it?
Really overgrown,
stinging nettles.
Sad. But not sad as it was.
So, if you get this job, a
headteacher's wages are, what,
substantially more? Why?
Have you got plans?
I think we should take the
cottage off the market.
Why? I want to try again.
Rebuild it.
We were doing so
well before the fire.
It's gone, Andy. There's
nothing left of it.
We still own the land.
We could sell this place, move
into a flat for a couple of months
while the structure goes
up, or even a static home,
then we can live on site.
We were just doing so well.
And I was doing that
online thatching course.
Seems a shame to give up on it.
What did you find with
your metal detector?
I'll show you what I
found. Part of a sword.
What part? You know the blade
of a sword, the long, shiny,
sharp bit that does all
the cutting and stabbing?
Yes.
Well, not that bit.
At the other end of a sword
is a thing called a pommel.
Imagine that at
the end of a sword.
LANCE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC
♪ First time in history
♪ It's gonna start raining men
♪ It's raining men
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS
♪ Gonna go out...
Let myself get
♪ Absolutely soaking wet... ♪
MUSIC STOPS
And the thing is,
it's nothing fancy.
It's just standard issue, which
could mean either a military base
or the site of a battle.
Go on.
Battle of Braintree. 599 CE.
Raedwald of East Anglia
versus Ethelbert of Kent,
and the first recorded
Christian army in Britain.
So writes the Venerable Bede.
But... the Christians are
coming from Canterbury
and the pagans from Rendlesham.
Why do they meet all
the way over there?
You think they met
somewhere around here?
It's a much more direct
route, and a more likely one.
Why's it called the
Battle of Braintree?
Well, it was when the farmer
mentioned Brentford Road.
Brentford would suggest a
ford through the River Brent.
But that river isn't called
the Brent. It's called...
The Blackwater. Exactly.
So, I delved a bit deeper. Guess
what it was called in Saxon times?
Could it possibly be...?
River Brent, from where
Braintree gets its name.
Huh.
So, once again, the Venerable Bede
is talking out of his arsehole.
Let's not talk about
this at the club tonight.
And I've been thinking.
Let's play down the, uh,
new permission, in general.
Play it down how?
Everyone knows about it.
They'll all be asking, especially
when they see my sword pommel.
Uh, cupboard or fridge?
Cupboard, you fool.
What about NOT putting your sword
pommel on the finds table this week?
What?
It'll just get
everyone all excited.
Damn right it will. That's the
best thing I've found in a year.
That's a potential
Find of the Month.
Well, it's only
the first Tuesday.
You can wait two weeks,
it'll still qualify.
Oh, man. I was looking
forward to showing that off.
Let's just wait and see if
anything else turns up next visit,
and then we can present
a body of evidence.
Where's that painting Stan
did for you? What's that?
Stan did you a painting at his
Saturday Club at the Scout hall.
It was on the fridge here.
Must have chucked it out.
Chucked it out, why?
Didn't you like it?
Well, it was fine. It
was a kid's painting.
I liked him giving it to
me. I liked the gesture.
But three weeks on the fridge -
I reckon that's fair enough.
Three weeks?
You want me to keep
all of them forever?
Your fridge is a fire hazard.
Mate. Oh, sorry, mate.
I-I wasn't thinking.
Do you write a best-before
date on them? Sometimes.
On a Post-it note.
Listen, about playing it
down, I just want us to have
a proper search before the
hordes come sniffing about.
If they ask where it is, just...
..be vague.
I have in my hand a piece of
paper that bears grave news.
That doesn't bode well.
Grave news seldom does, Russell.
It involves the future of this
hall and all the societies
and clubs that use it.
Long story short, developers
are sniffing around.
And the council are saying,
unless we raise the funds
for refurbishment, this
building will be demolished
and the land sold.
Added to which, it has
also been confirmed that,
despite our appeals, we are
to receive none of the reward
for the 162 Roman gold coins
that fell out of a tree
at our rally on Church Farm.
As you know, we, um, subsequently
discovered that the land
had been sold to
the solar company,
and we as a club had no
permission to be there.
Yeah, and Simon and bloody
Garfunkel did, so...
Much as it pains me
to say it, those two -
Terra Firma, or the Dirt Sharks, or
whatever they're calling themselves
these days - are claiming the
finder's share of the reward.
So we are going to need to
do some serious fundraising
if we're going to
keep this place.
Maybe it's finally time
for the naked calendar.
Well, I-I was thinking more
of a rally to begin
with, Russell.
You know, with an entrance fee.
But to do that, we are going to need
some really good land to detect on.
How's your new
permission, Lance? Andy?
Yeah, yeah. I...
I don't know, uh...
Don't hold out much hope
on that one, Terrence. No?
Uh, preliminary, uh,
recce's disappointing.
Hmm.
Yeah, well, one rally isn't going
to be enough to save this place,
but it would be a start.
So, any suggestions for a venue
will be gratefully received.
Along with any other
straws we can clutch at.
Tea's up.
Thanks, love.
All right, grab
yourselves a cuppa,
and then I'll get
started on my talk.
Who found the cup?
Lance did. Eyes only.
Ha!
How much was that
detector again, Lance?
You know you should get one that
actually detects metal, right?
No, no, Louise. Any
detectorist worth their salt
should regularly be
picking up eyes-only finds.
You should be using
all your senses,
constantly scanning
the ground for clues.
Pottery can tell you a lot
about a location. Uh-huh.
Great many gold
finds are eyes-only.
Because, Hugh...?
Um, cos gold doesn't corrode?
Good lad.
Comes out of the ground as
shiny as when it went in.
Right.
Are we ready for this
evening's lecture?
Ah.
LANCE YAWNS
I noticed you were being
very secretive about
your new permission
there, chaps.
No, uh... Thing is, Terry...
Landowner, Kevin,
he-he's a bit wary.
We need to tread carefully.
He only wants us on there.
Oh. He said that, did he?
Yep.
Yeah, he did.
He said, for now, at least,
he'd prefer it was just us.
Hmm.
Hello, DMDC. Ah.
All right, Becks?
Been out this evening?
Yeah, saw some friends.
All right, Terry? How'd your
talk go? What was it again?
Oh. Uh, the pros and cons
of calibrated balance versus
pulse induction when coping
with ground mineralisation.
Breathtaking. Intoxicating.
Ignore the sarcasm, Becky.
I think it was very informative.
And how did your Battle of
Braintree theory go down?
What's this now? Oh,
no... No, that was...
Uh, you're getting mixed up.
Am I... getting mixed up?
Yeah. Yeah, that...
that was something else.
The Battle of Braintree?
599, Raedwald versus Ethelbert.
What about it?
I'm sorry, Terry.
Apparently, I'm confused.
Uh, yes, Becky, I think you'll
find the Battle of Braintree
took place in Braintree.
ANDY CLEARS THROAT
"You're getting mixed up."
How fucking patronising!
I'm sorry. It was Lance, he
doesn't want anyone to know
about the battle thing. Why not?
Because he found the farm, he
wants to detect it himself.
So you're keeping it a secret?
Oh, Jesus. You're like kids.
You're a qualified archaeologist,
Andy. Well, what does that mean?
It means, why aren't you
taking this seriously?
The way you were
enthusing about it.
Why aren't you trying to get
funding for a dig or something?
This is my hobby.
You know what happened with the
archaeology, I got disillusioned.
Oh, yeah. Really quickly.
All those years studying,
you qualify, you do one job,
and then you chuck it all
in. What a waste of time!
Two jobs. And why is
it a waste of time?
I've still got all the knowledge.
Yeah, what do you use it for?
To make pedantic points
on metal detecting forums.
Is this how you feel? How long
have you been feeling like this?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm probably not.
I'm just pissed off you made
me look like an idiot in there.
But when you talk about
moving us into a caravan
so you can build a house,
while you talk about
learning to thatch -
online, for God's sake.
You're not a thatcher
or a builder.
You're an archaeologist!
There's no money in archaeology.
There's no money in
doing fuck all either!
LANCE ON PHONE: Yello?
All right, mate? Uh...
Any chance you could get
the afternoon off work?
I was going to head
over to the farm.
Uh... Hang on a sec.
Ted! All right if I knock off,
once I've done these 'shrooms?
Mum's been taken
into hospital again.
Yeah, OK.
I'll pick you up at
yours, uh, midday?
Copy that.
You did what?
Why?
I was just passing. I didn't know
when I'd next get the chance.
You had 14 days to
declare that find.
Why'd you have to
do it so quick?
Teacher's pet.
It's at the bottom of a pile
this big. It'll be months
before it's researched. Yeah,
months before you see it again, too.
And you can forget
Find of the Month.
You better not have told them
about the Battle of Braintree.
Just left it at reception.
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
RAPID BEEPING
METALLIC CLINK
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
LOW RUMBLING
DETECTOR BEEPS
What was that? Thunder?
I don't know. Earth tremor?
Whatever it was, it came
at exactly the same point
as a beautiful
clear... Clear signal.
Yeah, me too.
Right when it happened. What...
What'd you find? You
won't believe it.
Another one, almost identical.
Shit.
You were right.
This can only be the
site of a battle.
Three of them in the same field.
That's not all I found. Look.
That's a bridle
fitting, strap end.
Yeah. Buckle.
And, uh... Well,
that's part of a spur.
Things were popping
up all over the place.
They were leaping
out of the ground.
I've never known a day like it.
This is massive.
Just think of it.
All that history, right there...
..under the Bodie.
Bodie?
Bodie and Doyle, soil.
Speaking of which, I suppose we
need to call in the professionals.
Professionals?
What, archaeologists?
Yeah. Shouldn't we?
This is massive, you said so
yourself. We need to tell someone.
Get a team down here.
We ARE the team.
We can do it ourselves.
We know what we're doing.
We're careful, diligent.
Archaeologists can't
excavate a whole field.
What are they going to
do, put down a trench?
In a battlefield?
No, this site needs to be
detected by detectorists.
We need to tell
someone. No, we don't.
Not yet.
Please, Andy.
Look, let's just the two of us do
it, just for a little bit longer.
It's the best permission
we've had in years.
DETECTOR BEEPS
LOW RUMBLING
Hey, Andy, do feel that one?
Andy!
DETECTOR BEEPS
Mate?
What you got?
Nothing.
Oh, I thought you called me.
You looked like you had
something. Concentrating.
Ah, turned out to be nothing.
Nothing at all?
Uh...
It's, uh...
Uh...
Lead.
Lump of lead.
Oh, well.
Can't really complain.
It's been a good day.
Pub?
Yeah. Uh, no.
No, I've, er...
I've got... I've got
to go and do something.
Uh, better get off.
Oof.
Found a buckle and a strap
end in the same hole.
Found a buckle, checked again,
another signal. Amazing.
Huh.
How deep were you
finding things?
All of mine were pretty much
within four inches of the surface.
ENGINE ROARS Uh-huh...
You're driving fast.
We're under the speed limit.
It just feels fast cos we're
close to the ground in this car.
Why are you driving faster
than you usually do?
Am I? I hadn't noticed.
All right if I drop you here?
Here? Yeah.
OK.
Well, it's just
a bit further on.
Yeah. OK. Cheers for the lift.
TYRES SCREECH
Wait. Mate... Mate! You got...
You drove off with my
detector, you prick.
Can you make sure it doesn't
stay in the boot all night?
And can you give it a wipe
down with a damp cloth?
And can you make sure it's fully
charged before we go out again?
And give me a ring back or a text,
so I know you got this message.
DOOR OPENS, KEYS JANGLE
Oh, hey. You're home early.
I didn't get the job, so I
took the rest of the day off.
Oh, shit. Who got it?
Someone from outside.
Don't know them.
Ah, well.
Bloody Lance drove off
with my bloody detector.
I was going to give it
a coat of wax tonight.
"Ah, well"?
Sorry. I was distracted.
I'm sorry you
didn't get the job.
I gave in my notice.
What? Like, as in...?
You know what "I gave in
my notice" means, Andy.
Means I've resigned.
OK, wow. Why are you
saying it like that?
Like what?
Like it's MY fault.
Please don't make this about
you, Andy, for Christ's sakes.
You didn't want to check
with me first? Ugh.
What happened to discussing things
and figuring them out together?
It was spur of the moment.
I didn't know I was going to do
it. But the minute they told me
I hadn't got the job, I
realised I was relieved.
It was a weight
off my shoulders.
I don't want to stay
in that same place,
with more work and
more responsibility.
I want a complete change.
Change from me?
BECKY SIGHS
SOBBING: That's not
what I said, Andy...
I love you, but...
..I'm so tired.
I haven't stopped.
Not after the fire.
Not after Mum died...
And dealing with all her
affairs, it's been...
SHE SNIFFLES
It's been exhausting.
I'm so tired.
I need you to help me, Andy.
I need you to step up.
SHE SOBS
Gree... Greeden...
Greg... Gleg...
..my. Gregormy.
Gregormy.
PHONE BUZZES
Oh...
Hi, love.
Hmm?
No... No, don't-don't...
Don't come...
don't come round.
I-I-I'll meet you at the pub.
Yeah...
All right. Yeah.
All right, love.
OK. See you soon.
Yeah.
Mm. Me, too.
HE SIGHS
Ah.
Gregormy... Greg-or-my...
Greg-or-me...
Ah.
Gregorme...
LANCE GASPS
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ah...!
Who is it? It's me - Andy.
All right?
All right, mate?
You not going to invite me in?
Thing is, I was just getting
ready to go out and see Toni.
OK.
Well, can I get my detector?
I haven't got your detector.
You drove off with
it, you bastard.
I left you a message.
Oh, yeah. I-I saw you rang.
I haven't listened to it.
I'll go get the key.
ANDY SIGHS
Mate, I've got a confession.
I lied to you.
I DID tell the archaeology service
about the Battle of Braintree idea,
and they're really interested.
I knew you did.
Teacher's pet.
So, that's that, is it?
They'll soon be down.
Their cordons and
their little
trowels and brushes.
Brush me off my own permission.
They said the sword pommel wasn't
enough to go on, but if something
of significance were to turn
up, then there might be funding
available for an excavation.
I think what we found today,
including three sword pommels,
IS significant. And you wouldn't
be turfed off your permission
because I want to
go back to work.
I want to be part of the
team that does the dig.
And you can, too,
you can be involved.
Very noble of you.
This is Becky's doing, isn't it?
Becky's DOING?
What, like a spell?
We talk about stuff, and we talked
about me going back to work,
and we decided it was a good idea.
She didn't put a curse on me.
Well, do you know what?
I don't think three sword
pommels IS very significant.
I think it's little more
than a coincidence. What?
What about "this is massive"?
What about "all that
history under the Bodie"?
I was just excited after
finding a few interesting bits.
Do what you want.
I'm going to be late.
Got to go and meet Toni.
Mate, come on. This
is important to me.
I'm telling the club on Tuesday.
I'm going to put all my
finds on the finds table.
Do what you want.
Hello, you.
Hi, love.
Sorry. Have you been
here long? Uh...
Five minutes. You're all right.
Expecting someone?
QUIETLY: I need you to
take something for me.
Look after it on your boat.
Stash it somewhere safe.
What's in it?
I can't tell you.
No, then.
Pardon?
Sorry, you're asking
me to hide a briefcase?
No, I won't.
What are you talking
about, Lance? What's in it?
Just something I
found metal detecting.
Well, it's obviously not
just something you found,
or it wouldn't be
in a briefcase.
Why is it in a briefcase?
Where did you get
a briefcase from?
Oh, God.
You can't tell anyone.
I've broken protocol... badly.
Oh, I see.
Shiny. Yeah.
Gold.
What is it?
Don't know.
Can't find out.
Is that writing?
Yeah.
What does it say?
I don't know.
Can't find out.
How have you broken
the protocol?
I hid it from Andy.
Didn't tell him.
Why not?
Because he wants to call in the
beards, and it's my permission.
He wants to turn it into
a proper organised dig.
He's talking about going
back to work in archaeology,
and he thinks he's going to head
a team that's going to discover
the site of a major
historic battle.
Well, that all sounds amazing.
Well, when I put it like
that, it does, yeah.
How else might you put it?
It's my permission. I
found that permission.
I want to do it with
MY metal detector.
Lance, listen to yourself.
This sounds like an incredible
opportunity for Andy.
It sounds really exciting.
For you, as well.
Just tell him.
Show him the gold.
I broke it.
He'd never trust me again.
Can't you find it again?
What?
Find it again.
But this time, make sure
Andy sees you find it.
I could.
I-I-I COULD find it again.
Even better. Have
loads of witnesses,
hold one of your
detecting rallies.
Find the gold, take the glory,
and then do the right thing
and hand it all over to Andy
and the beards,
as you call them.
I'd have to dance.
Hmm?
I'd have to fake a
convincing gold dance.
At a rally, it'd be expected.
Do you want me to help
you work something out?
No, no...
I could...
..throw a few moves together,
make it look spontaneous.
Not too slick.
TONI LAUGHS
Well, this is unprecedented.
The first time we have ever
had to extend the finds table.
THUD! Sorry I'm late.
Hello, Russ.
You look well.
I didn't know you played squash.
Just taken it up.
Oh. Hello. You had a trim?
Just a tidy-up.
Wahey! Look at this.
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're going
to need a bigger finds table.
You know, like in Jaws.
Whose is all this?
Lance and Andy's new permission.
Well, you know what all
this is saying to me?
It's saying, site of
potentially great importance.
Yeah, well, I've got a theory
about that, actually, Terry.
I've been looking into it,
and I think it would be worth
informing the archaeology
service. I agree.
Do you?
Yeah. Makes sense.
I-I was wondering, Terry,
if we were to detect the whole
site first, catalogue all the finds
just below the surface,
give them a better idea of where
to put down their little trenches.
Do you reckon you could get
us ALL on that permission?
Yeah, I've already
spoken to Kevin.
Gave him a bell. He's
happy to let anyone on.
What's this?
Yeah. Don't you think?
Share the wealth?
How quickly can you
scramble a rally, Telford?
This weekend? Sunday?
I think it's eminently doable.
What are you doing? What
about asking me first?
I thought it was what you
wanted. That's not what I said.
"Get loads of
people down there."
Yeah, archaeologists.
You said yourself, the
archaeologists will only come
if we find something
significant.
More people that get down here,
better chance we have of finding it.
Then you can invite all
your beardy bum chums.
Hmm, what, £5 fee? What'd
you reckon, tenner?
LIVELY HUBBUB
Hi, Andy, how are you?
I'm well, thanks, Toni.
Have we got that
gold dance ready?
Pardner, got a gold dance ready?
Got a good feeling about today.
Does everyone want to
start gathering around?
That's it, folks.
Welcome, everybody.
Now, first things first.
Many thanks to Lance and Andy
for sharing their permission.
The lunch whistle will be
blown at midday precisely.
And, Russell, I believe you're going
to read the blessing for us today.
Our farmer, who art named Kevin,
furrowed be thy plain.
Viking for some,
Saxon, Roman, unearthed
so it isn't hidden.
Give us permission
this day to tread
so we won't be trespassers,
as trespassing leaves
a bad taste among us,
and lead us not
into frustration,
but deliver us medieval.
Decline aluminium,
whatever the weather.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
DETECTOR BEEPS
♪ Will you swim through
the briny sea for me?
♪ Roll along the ocean's floor?
♪ I'll be your treasure
♪ I'm with the ghosts of the
men who can never sing again
♪ There's a place Follow me
♪ Where a love lost at sea
♪ Is waiting for you... ♪
WHISTLE BLOWS
♪ Is waiting for you. ♪
Marked the spot with
a big lump of flint.
It's called a hag stone.
Farmers used to hang them in
their barns, ward off witches.
That one. I know, I'm on it.
I was watching you. You're
behaving so suspiciously.
I'm surprised nobody's guessed.
Why haven't you found it yet?
Keep your voice down.
THROUGH TEETH: When are
you going to find it?
No gold has ever been
found before lunch.
Ever.
If I'd have dug it up this
morning, they'd have smelled a rat.
That's rubbish.
Ideally, it'd be the
last signal of the day.
Gold usually is.
I'll know when
the time is right.
That one. I know, I've got it.
I didn't realise you were
actually going to bury the gold.
Could you have not just
had it in your pocket
and dropped it in the hole?
Oh, bloody hell.
That's a MUCH better idea.
What a fool.
VEHICLE APPROACHES
Unbelievable.
Well, hello there.
Didn't know the DMDC
was still going.
This is OUR rally.
Go on, get lost.
You're not welcome.
I believe it was
an open invitation.
You greedy pigs!
You didn't find those coins.
Neither did any of you.
They fell out the trees.
Truth is, when we heard the DMDC
didn't have the correct paperwork
in place, we had to
distance ourselves from you.
You must understand that to share
the reward money with the DMDC
would mean we condone
your behaviour.
We were in a corner.
We needed that money
to save our Scout hall.
Do you know how many clubs
and societies use that hall?
Oh, Sheila.
You're breaking my heart.
You're shaking my
confidence daily.
Go on. Hop it.
If the National Council for
Metal Detecting were to find out
you held a rally on land
you had no right to be on -
if someone were to tell them -
well, they might just
strip you of your licence.
This is Craig.
He helps us out.
Oh, hello, Craig.
Shall we?
Did I see you detecting
backwards earlier?
Just trying something out.
Oi, where'd you
get that? Found it.
Call 'em 'ag stones. I
know what they call them.
Farmers used to hang them in their
barns to ward off the witches.
I know what farmers
used to do...
I think I might pop
that on the finds table.
Eyes only.
Hardly a find, is it?
Should have left
it where it was!
DETECTOR BEEPS
Hey!
Over here!
Ah, it's nothing.
All right, Lance?
Anything?
Nothing much to
speak of, really.
You?
Late 20th-century pocket drop.
Bunch of keys.
£1.22.
And a Nokia 5110.
Look at that! Yeah. Ha.
Yeah, I haven't seen
one of them in years.
My first mobile
was one of these.
DETECTOR SQUEAKS
Hugh!
Come over and check
your signal for me.
Right there.
SUSTAINED TONE
You want to dig that?
This was fashion accessory
of the year in 1999.
Got mine in '98.
What's the circuitry
in one of those?
What sort of signal
reading did you get?
HUGH: Terry! Russell!
Come and have a look
at this! What's that?
Louise! Varde! Is...
Is he dancing?
It's gold!
Bloody hell!
EXCITED COMMOTION
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Careful, careful.
Just stand back. Stand back.
Give it some room.
What have we got, Andy?
About six inches down,
popped straight out.
We are going to need tape
cordons and GPS coordinates.
TRANSMISSION DOUBLED: Terry for
Sheila. Sheila, do you copy? Over.
FEEDBACK WHINES Sh...
Oh. Forgot to give
her the other unit.
Sheila! Cordons!
First things first, we
need to get that into
a humidity controlled
environment. Where's Lance?
Oh, it's all right. I can see
Sheila coming with some tape.
Where's Lance?
Find something significant?
I think I might have.
Congratulations.
Did you check your hole?
Hugh? Could you?
SUSTAINED TONE
No way.
DETECTORISTS CHEER
So, you can hold it there. We'll
take some more away if we need to.
So, what are you
going to do, Jobless?
Sign on?
I don't know.
I'm going to take a year.
Try and turn Mum's mid-century
museum into a home.
Hang out with Stan.
I don't know.
Maybe try and learn
something new.
Hey! Come down!
Come and detect the spoil heap!
Do you want to?
I don't detect spoil heaps.
Vulgar.
Do you think they'll be OK?
Yeah, he'll get over it.
It was a good thing he did.
Andy's so excited.
I know. Look at him.
He's in his element. Mm-hm.
FAINT BATTLE DIN
Are you ready, Lance?
Shall we leave them to it?
Yeah.
You're very welcome.
Why is there a party at Uncle
Terry and Auntie Sheila's house?
You remember I told you all the
things we found in the field
went to the big
museum in London?
And the metal detecting club is
getting all the reward money.
Will Lance be there?
I hope so.
Has he really not been metal
detecting for a whole year?
So he says.
Unless he's been out secretly.
You know how you don't get to
keep the gold that you found?
Yeah, sadly.
We don't have to be sad.
No?
No, because I made you some
treasure at Saturday Club.
Did you?
Wait till you get
an eyeful of this.
Oh!
Wow!
That is magnificent.
Do you like it? I LOVE it.
Do you know who'd love
it even more than me?
Who? Uncle Lance.
He loves treasure.
I reckon he'd put this
on his special shelf
with all his favourite
finds, if you asked him.
Can I give it to Uncle Lance?
Oh, yes.
You wait till you see his face.
He is going to love this.
Oh, there they are.
Hello, Lance. Hello, Toni.
We're just having a photo done.
Terry, move in a bit.
Ah, ah. That's it.
Now, Andy, hold your
hands like this.
What we doing? Do we have to go
through all of this, Russell?
Can't we just take the photo?
Hold on. This is going to be good.
OK. And smile.
Ha-ha, ha-ha!
Hey, there she is, folks.
65 big ones to renovate the Scout
hall, starting with the kitchen.
And then on Saturday,
a press conference at
the British Museum,
where all the findings will
be revealed to the world.
Pity we can't all be there, but
I'm sure our two star members,
well, they'll be great
ambassadors for the club.
So, please, raise your
glasses to Andy and Hugh.
Cheers, boys. Cheers! Cheers.
Hey. Hello, mate.
Look at that.
Cheers. 65,000. Look at that.
Lemonade, Louise?
Varde?
No, you're all right. We're
all set, thanks, Sheila.
Craig, lemonade.
Thanks, Sheila. Very kind.
Yeah, so, soon
after they fired me,
they changed their name again.
From Terra Firma
to Absolut Hunters.
Oh, come on. You're kidding me.
No E in "absolute".
Like the vodka.
Wankers.
They got new bomber jackets
with "AH" on the back.
Arseholes.
Exactly.
Who's that? Uncle Russell.
And who are they?
Auntie Louise and Auntie Varde.
When's your new kitchen arriving
for the Scout hall, Terry?
Oh, couple of weeks. Yeah.
And we'll be very glad of
your new-found joinery skills
when the time comes, Becky.
But I do have a skip
coming on Saturday.
So anyone who's free and wants
to lend a hand dismantling
the old kitchen, filling a
skip, the more, the merrier.
And who's that?
Uncle Hugh. And who are they?
Uncle Lance and Auntie Sheila.
In terms of safety,
you don't need to keep
this refrigerated.
The main components are tomatoes
and vinegar, and they preserve it
at room temperature, cos
of their natural acidity.
All right, Lance?
Can I have a word?
All right, Hugh?
Um, I was wondering if you'd
take my place on Saturday
at the press conference.
Why?
I want to help
out with the skip.
I love skips. I don't
want to miss it.
That's rhubarb, Hugh.
I know what you're doing,
and it's very kind of you.
You're a good lad. I'm 38.
It should be you and
Andy who go there.
No, really, I don't
want to miss that skip.
Seriously?
Well, thanks, but, uh...
I have plans for Saturday.
Oh.
No, you don't.
I might have.
Well, you don't. Because you told
me in the car on the way over here.
Swallow your pride.
Go and talk to him.
All right? All right?
Get to find out on Saturday if
we were right about the battle.
Yeah. Exciting.
Sorry it's just the two invites.
Hugh reckons he's not going.
Really?
He likes skips. Yeah?
Well, then, YOU can come. Ah...
I'm busy, I'm afraid.
Meeting.
What sort of meeting?
General meeting.
Nothing you can get
out of? Doubtful.
Well, I'm catching the
8:30 from Henburystone.
Stan, Uncle Lance is here.
He made you something
at Saturday Club.
I-I don't want it. Stan, come and
show Uncle Lance what you made.
I don't want it.
Hello, Stan.
What the devil is
that? Is that for me?
I made it. It's great.
What is it? Treasure.
Because you didn't
find any gold.
Oh, right, I see.
He wants you to put it on
your special shelf, Lance.
You mean the shelf on which
I display my best finds
and most treasured possessions?
Yeah, that shelf.
Ask him how long he'll
keep it for, Stan.
How long will you keep it for?
Well, I'll level with you, Stan.
I'll keep it for three weeks.
How long is three weeks?
21 days precisely.
So that's, um...
29th of August.
Fair enough.
Good lad.
ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SQUEAK
TRAIN HORN BLARES
All right? All right.
You're cutting it fine.
Car wouldn't start.
Been watching
University Challenge?
I keep half an eye on it.
Did you see the episode...?
Questions on Sutton Hoo?
That's the one.
Episode 5, about 13 minutes in.
Unbelievable. What a
bunch of ignoramuses.
Not a single correct answer.
I assume you got them
all right? Yes. Easy.
Me too.
Easy.
Excited to see your gold again?
Hey, did you see the landowner,
Kevin, on The One Show?
He's come out of his shell.
I read he might
be doing Strictly.
So, who do you
think will be there?
Journalists, academics.
Everyone, I reckon.
Archaeology is the
new rock and roll.
All the big hitters will
be interested in this one.
Do you think... she'll be there?
Professor Alice Roberts?
It's not impossible.
Ready? Born ready.
Oh, excuse me.
Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, please, um...
..please come on forward. There's
some seats here to fill up.
Yes. Free up some space.
Thank you. Lovely to see you.
Good, good. Yes. Excellent.
Everybody in? Good.
I'd like to introduce Professor
Stephen Drinkwater from the
Early Medieval Collections
and Jennifer Maynard
from the Portable
Antiquities Scheme.
CLEARS THROAT
So to begin, is it too early to be
renaming the Battle of Braintree
the Battle of Danebury?
Well, the evidence is
extremely compelling.
It makes a very good
argument for that very...
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Right. ALARM BEEPS
Oh, there we go.
That'll be the press conference
starting down in London. Yeah.
Andy said he'd give us a
shout when it's all finished.
Right.
This is being picked up later
today, so we don't have much time.
Let's try and fill it,
and let's be ruthless.
Anything we don't need
goes straight in there.
Come on, then.
This inscription, we believe,
when complete, would have read,
"Gregoriouis Mekhet Gerikan."
"Gregory had me made."
And we now believe
that this is a panel
from an early
Christian reliquary.
As many of you know, Augustine
of Canterbury was sent
by Pope Gregory to convert King
Ethelbert of Kent to Christianity.
And he came - so writes
The Venerable Bede -
with many gifts, including a
gilded box containing a holy relic.
Now, according to Bede, this relic
was subsequently taken into several
battles, but we can find no
reference of what became of it.
So what relic would
it have contained?
Again, there's nothing
documented about its contents.
Most commonly, these reliquaries
claim to hold a bone fragment
or a piece of the True Cross.
But it's that old adage, if all
the pieces of the True Cross
were gathered together, there'd
be enough timber for 100 crosses.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
The only visual reference
we can find for a reliquary
of this period is depicted as
containing a bejewelled chalice,
presumably the
so-called Holy Grail.
But as I say, the contents of
these reliquaries were largely
symbolic, and Christ at the
Last Supper would certainly not
have been handing
around a golden chalice.
LAUGHTER
The real Holy Grail would have much
more likely been a simple clay cup.
What happened to the cup?
I don't know. Have...
have you still got...?
I'm just trying to think.
What did I do with it? I...
I found it. And then I...
Argh! I threw it to you!
I threw it back.
It was on the finds table.
I remember you put it on the finds
table that following Tuesday.
Yes. And Louise took the piss.
So what happened to it after
that, did you take it back?
I don't know. Think!
What do you suppose I
am doing, NOT thinking?
Shut up!
I've never thought so
hard in all my life.
Russell drank his
tea from it. Yes!
And then the week after, he trimmed
his beard, he looked years younger.
He must have been washed up
in the Scout hall kitchen.
The kitchen that everyone's
currently throwing into a skip.
Hell and blood!
PHONE VIBRATES
Can you help with this?
CROCKERY SMASHES
Careful, Varde. What was that?
Do you want to sweep up those
pieces before someone treads in it?
Are we getting new crockery?
Oh, yes.
Matching cups and saucers for
everyone from now on, Rus.
Shall I chuck these, then?
Well, just see if there's anything
in there that's good enough
for the charity shop first, eh?
Tessler, give me a ring back as
soon as you get this message.
There was a cup, a clay
cup, on the finds table.
Might be in lost property.
It might be in lost property.
But just don't throw
anything away, Tessler.
And give me a ring back as
soon as you get this message.
So you didn't declare it. You
didn't record the GPS coordinates.
You didn't even take a photo.
It was just a cup.
You said it was from Colchester.
I thought it was. There we are.
It probably was.
This is ridiculous.
Why are we even
talking about it?
Are we seriously entertaining the
idea that we might have found...?
PHONE RINGS
Tessler?
A what?
Look, sorry. You're breaking up.
Hello...
Signal.
What should I do with these,
Terry? What's in there?
Anything interesting?
Nah, nothing of interest.
Chuck it, I reckon.
Or leave it on the side
in case anyone else wants
another look through.
PHONE VIBRATES Hang on.
Hello, Lance. Sorry, mate.
We got cut off there.
I don't know what
happened. Terry.
Terry? Hello?
No, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
Terry? Yeah, I can hear
you. Can you hear me?
I can't hear him.
Ah...
Er... Ah!
Argh!
ENGINE STARTS
BANG What's that?
I forgot to pay the
car park. Good job.
Bag!
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Stop! Wait! Wait!
Don't let it go! What?
What? You just...
What's going on?
Has he gone? You finished?
Yeah. Why?
Everything? It's all...
You've cleaned everything out?
What have you lost?
Nothing. Nothing.
LANCE WHEEZES
Should have gone to
the landfill site.
It might have been obvious where
they dumped the most-recent stuff.
Oh, mate.
That way, madness lies.
Imagine trying to explain
that one to Becky.
You've just got to let it go.
Assume it wasn't what we don't
really believe it was anyway.
Don't we?
Don't we think it
could have been?
VOICES ECHO: Oi, archaeology.
Eyes only.
Oh, nice. Look at that.
That's a cup.
Oh, really? Anything else?
Looks like Colchester ware.
Somewhere near Colchester.
HUBBUB
QUIET PRAYER
WHEELS RATTLE
CRIES OF BATTLE
THUNDERCLAP
SWORDS CLASH
No, mate.
That way madness lies.
That way too, huh? Afraid so.
It's a minefield of madness.
Pub? Go on, then.
Ah, probably better we
didn't find the Holy Grail.
Imagine all the... Hullabaloo?
Right old brouhaha.
Do you feel that?
RUMBLING
What IS that?
I dunno.
Sonic boom? Fracking?
Have to ask the interweb.
RUMBLING CONTINUES