Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 6 - Witch's Lament - full transcript

Bree enjoys helping Ben prepare for his social real estate development building project, until she discovers it's on the very spot where the gang buried Gaby's stepfather. The bulldozers ...

In therapy, the subject
was Tom's new girlfriend.

What about sex?
Not yet.

I... he wants to end the marriage.

Susan wanted to quit...

Maybe I'm not a real artist.

This class has been really good for you.

But decided to face the challenge instead.

You're hiding something,

and I'm gonna pull it out of you.

There is a chance that you might
actually become an artist.

Carlos tried to drown his guilt...


Hey, Gaby.

And Ben showed Bree the
site where construction

was about to begin.

Have you ever been here before?



It's the irrational fear
that someone is after you...

That you're going to be
exposed at any moment.

Paranoia can sneak up on you...

Causing you to stumble at every turn.

And just when you think
you're in the clear...

And the danger has passed...

Paranoia reminds you...



That no place is truly safe.

Oh, my God.

Where'd he go?
Is he gone?

For now, but we gotta hurry.

I think we're close. I recognize this area.

God, this is creeping me out.

Well, it doesn't help that it's Halloween.

Let's just dig him up
and get this over with.




Honey? Are you okay?


it's the irrational fear
that someone is after you.

But even when you hope it isn't real,

it can still scare you to death.


Susan Delfino had always
been a great student.

That's because she knew how
to be the teacher's pet.

Some liked gifts.

Some liked extra credit.

And some just liked her.

But in her new class,

Susan would learn that not every teacher...

Happy Halloween.

Was in the market for a pet.

I thought you might like a little treat

complete with candy corn.

Who doesn't like candy corn?

Apparently you.

It appears some of you have remembered

today is the day I select my intern.

Oh, is that today?

I have a commission due Tuesday,

and I need all the help
I can get this weekend.

Now this is obviously a prestigious honor.

That goes without saying.

And it won't be awarded
based on brownnosing,

bootlicking or cupcake making.

That about covers all your moves.

My decision will be made solely on talent,

experience, and who irritates me the least.

Oh, crap.

And that's why--
Stand up, Amy.

I've chosen...

Susan Delfino.

Sit down, Amy.

That was fun.


Meet me at 5:00 tomorrow.
We'll discuss your duties.

Thank you so much. I-I'm so grateful.

But could we make it 5:15?
My son has soccer practice--

I have no kids.

And he's not very good
so he won't be going.

See you at 5:00.

Hey, babe. How you doing?




Glad to hear it.

Would you like your own cup?



That night really scared
the hell out of me.

Scared me, too.

Yeah, but you haven't
done anything about it.

I thought you were gonna check out
an A.A. meeting.

Gaby, I'm not an alcoholic.

Tell that to the cab driver who helped me

carry you inside the house.

Fine. If it will keep your
fingers out of my coffee,

I'll go to a meeting.

Thank you.

I love you.

We're gonna get through this, okay?

Oh! And do me a favor.

If it turns out you are an alcoholic,

promise you won't be one
of those whiny ones.

Okay, we gotta talk.

Oh, God, he brought Jane?

Hey, sweetie. How was your dad's?

It was fun.


Look. It's my Halloween costume.

I'm gonna be a swan.

Right. How about you be something

mommy can actually make, like a ghost

or a 13-year-old American teenager?

You don't have to make it.
Jane said she would.

Of course she did.

Well, I should go thank her
for helping me to parent you.

Jane, it's okay.
You don't have to stay in the car.

Or maybe you should.

I mean, I don't wanna show
you up with my fancy sweats.

Oh, stop. You look great.

Look, I think it's sweet
that you volunteered

to help Penny make her costume.

Hey, I hope I didn't overstep.

You know, it's just, before medical school,

I dabbled a bit in fashion design.

Of course you did. It's nothing.

Couple of semesters in Paris.

Ah, Paris. C'est la plus
belle ville du monde, no?

Oui. Oui, oui. Yes.

She's-- she's teaching me.

Of course she is.

Anyway, making Penny's Halloween costume

is sort of a... mother/daughter tradition.

Since when?

Since always.

Actually, I started it already,
and I don't want to oversell,

but it's gonna be pretty great.

I'm sorry. She didn't say anything.

I'm sure she didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Well, if you change your mind,
it's really no trouble.

I've already made a bunch of costumes

for the kids in the cancer ward.

Of course she did.

Oh, God. You're closing the curtains.

This can't be good.

It isn't. I just heard the details

of Ben's latest real estate project.

Oh, honey, not right now.

We're talking.

You told me to try on my costume.

You said you'd fix the yolk.

Oh, this is will take two seconds.

Celia's going as bacon.

This works a lot better
when we're together.

So what were you guys talking about?

Um, I was just telling your mother

a very scary Halloween story
about these four witches

who buried a monster deep in the woods.


And after they buried the monster,

they went on with their lives

until this big, frightening real
estate developer came along

and decided to build condos

right where the monster was buried!

Ow! Oh! Sorry, sorry.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Witches always lie.

Not this witch.

Well, I think one of those witches

better go see what she can
do to kill the project.


I don't know. It's your story.


Yeah. That actually was
kind of a lame story.

It wasn't even scary.

Trust me, honey.
It is really, really scary.


Sorry I've been A.W.O.L.
for the past t two week,

but, uh, that's only 'cause I--

I'm sorry. Have we met? Ben, is it?

I know, I know. I...

I've been swamped getting
my new project under way.

But I wanna make it up to you.


Tomorrow night, my place, dinner for two,

cooked by one.

Tomorrow's Halloween.

So? It'll be fun.

We can, uh, pass out candy
to trick-or-treaters.

And then maybe later,

we can... trick a little... treat of our...

I don't know where I was going with that.

All right, you want a date with me?



Excuse me?

On your knees, soldier.

Renee, dear, sweet, horrible girl,

would you do me the honor of dining with me

on the morrow?

I would.

Was that really necessary?

It was for me.

I had to make sure I wasn't rolling over

for a guy with a bald spot.

Intern Susan Delfino
reporting for duty, sir.

I was wondering how long it
might take me to regret this.

Wait. I just want to say how honored I am

that you chose me.

It's nice to know that when the
history of art is written,

there'll be one small
footnote with my name on it.

Susan, Jasper, Jasper, Susan.
I'll pick him up Monday night.

I don't understand.
Well, he's my son.

You're watching him for the weekend.

My ex says he's deathly
allergic to tree nuts, cats...

And something else. I can't remember.

Uh, wait a-- wait a minute.

So... you have a son? Somebody married you?

Briefly. I was young and needed money.

She was rich and wanted a child,

and now one weekend a month,

Jasper and I spend some
quality time together.

See you Monday.

Uh, wait a minute. Um, so...

That's what this is.

I'm just a... glorified babysitter.

No, no, no, no.

As per school policy, we're
calling it an internship.

That way, I don't have to pay you.

So, Jasper, looks like
it's just you and me.

What are you reading?

"Tips for surviving a nuclear attack."

The people of Nagasaki never saw it coming.

I know how they feel.

So Ben and I are having sex tomorrow.

Ew. Not in front of my kid's costume.

Sorry. It's our first time.
It's kind of a big deal.

First time? I thought sex was
like shaking hands for you.

It is. I like to get it over with early

so there's no pressure.

But with Ben, there's been
all this buildup, so...


I like him... a lot.

And I want our first time to be great.

That's sweet.

That's why I got some
sex drugs in Chinatown.

Less sweet.

"Woman love fluid."

I gotta put some tape over that.

This stuff work?

Even if it all it Jacks
up is my confidence,

that is good enough for me.

Okay. What do you think?

This looks like a cat, right?

Sure, after it's passed through a coyote.

What is going on?

You always go for easy costumes.

Didn't you once staple math
tests to Penny's jeans

and send her out as "Smarty Pants"?

Yes, but this year, Tom's new girlfriend

offered to make Penny's costume,

so I, of course, said I would.

Damn, why is there no
Chinese costume fluid?

Well, you're in luck.

I have a friend in New York
that is a costume designer,

and he has three Tony awards.

And he'll make my kid's cat outfit?

Sadly, he'll do anything for cash.

He's a huge cokehead.

That means he'll do it fast, too.
That's great!

I-I mean, for us.

Poor guy needs help.
My thoughts and prayers are with him.

Hey there.

If you're, uh, here for the
meeting, it just ended,

as I'm sure you can tell by the
massacre at the doughnut box.

Actually, I was just...

really looking to talk to somebody.

Well, I'm Allen.


Why don't you tell me what's
going on with you, Carlos?

Come on in.

Okay. All right.

I, uh... had a little incident

a few nights ago.


Got loaded... and I left the house,

and, uh... I don't remember doing it.

Uh-huh, you blacked out, huh?

Yeah, I'm so jealous of you guys.

Uh, I was always cursed with total recall

of every horrifying second of my benders.

So how often does this happen?

It doesn't.

I usually don't drink that much.
Just lately.

Yeah? Oh. So what's "lately"?

I don't know.

Two months, maybe.

Something happen two months ago?

You lose your job?

Did your wife leave you? Dog die?


Nothing I can think of.

'Cause usually this sort
of thing is triggered

by some kind of traumatic incident.

You know, I don't think
this was such a good idea.

Hey, I wasn't trying to pry.

Allen, thanks, but I really gotta be going.

Was good meeting you, Carlos.

Listen, if, uh,

you ever wanna talk, here's my cell.

Day or night, I'll pick up.

Appreciate it.

Good luck to you.


What? Is everything all right?

I just saw some miscreants
throwing eggs at your house.

I tried to run over and catch them,

but I was too late.

Ah, it's probably some kids
warming up for Halloween.

No, no, it wasn't kids, and
they shouted something

unpleasant about real estate developers,

including an anti-Australian slur.

Uh, I've never heard an
anti-Australian slur.

What was it?

I'd rather not repeat it.

The point is, there seems to
be some strenuous opposition

to the Chapman Woods development,

and as your liaison,

I think you should consider relocating it.

All right.

Let me consider it.

Nah. Screw 'em.

Excuse me?

I already sunk $100,000
into moving this project

from Hawkins Lake,

and there's...

Well... what happened at Hawkins Lake?

We were all set to go,
bulldozers at the ready,

and then the environmental impact study

turns up five endangered
yellow-spotted frogs.


Yeah. The slimy little bastards
are now the proud owners

of 50 acres of waterfront real estate.

I'm just curious. Have you had
your environmental impact study

in Chapman Woods yet?

Uh, tomorrow, but I'm not worried.

My guys have been over every inch of it.

Not a miserable amphibian in sight.


And I can't imagine that
would change overnight.

A construction project for a frog?

If it's an endangered
yellow-spotted frog, they will.

Now come on. Help me find some.

Ugh. Things creep me out.

You know that story

where the princess has to kiss the frog,

turn him back into a prince?
So not worth it.

I don't care how rich his dad was.

Gaby, you know where they don't have frogs?

Prison! Which is where we're
gonna be if we don't plant some

at Ben's construction site.

Fine. I'll help.

Oh. Saw one. Ohh!

Oh, is that one?

Does he have spots on his legs?

He has to have spots on his legs.

Well, you're good with crafts.
You can stencil some on later.

Aah! Ohh!

Damn it!

This is more of a boys thing.
Why isn't Carlos here?

Because I didn't tell him
about the construction.

What? Why not?

Because he's got a lot
on his plate right now.

Or, actually, in his glass.

He's been drinking a lot.

Really? Do you want me to speak to him?

No. No. He's been going to A.A. meetings.

He said he met a great sponsor.
He's doing fine.

I certainly understand
what he's going through.

It's kind of a miracle

that I've stayed sober through all of this.

Don't move. There's one by your foot.


This is gonna be a long day.

So... you wanna play some video games?

That's original.

Okay. Um...

Something more creative.

You wanna carve a Jack-o'-Lantern?

I'd rather stick a knife in my eye.

Only 36 hours to go.

37. He's always late.

I am the Candy-Bot 3000.

Please give candy.

Aw, M.J., you look amazing. I mean...

I am Mom-Bot 3000.

Costume approved.

You guys sound stupid.

Your insult does not compute.

Shut up! Nobody cares
about being a dumb robot!

Hey, what's going on?

I just hate all this Halloween stuff.

How can you hate a holiday
that's all about dressing up

and getting free candy?

It's the best day of the year.

Jasper, does your dad not let
you celebrate Halloween?

He says it's for kids.

You do know you're a kid, right?

Okay, that's it.

You and your father are coming
trick-or-treating with us.

He'll never go for that.

Oh, you just let me talk to him.

I can be pretty persuasive.

I'd rather stick a knife in my eye.

Oh, come on. Your son is dying
to go trick-or-treating.

It's just a couple hours.

Until I deliver these paintings,

it's the only thing I care about.

That and a cigarette.

Don't look at this. It's not done.

Gaby, will you stop with the sanitizer?

Your hands are gonna slide
right off the wheel.

I can't help it.

I can still feel those slimy things

crawling through my fingers.

Speaking of which,

how come I don't hear
anything moving in that box?

Shouldn't they be croaking or something?

Maybe they're resting. Or dead.

You don't think they're dead, do you?

Oh, God! Don't bring
that in the front seat.

I don't hear anything.

All right. I'm trying to remain calm.

Please tell me those are
your long-webbed fingers

on my arm.

Gaby, do not panic.

Aah! Get it off!

Stay calm! Stay calm!

Don't panic!

Watch the road! Oh, God!
I think it's on my leg!

Stop swerving!

I'm trying to get the lid back on!

Get it off me! Careful!
It's crawling under the brake pedal!

Not anymore!

Oh, they're getting away! They're so fast!

What the hell could endanger them?!

Ohh! Detailing is never gonna get that out!

We're so screwed.

Will you please stop saying that?

In 12 hours, those bulldozers
are gonna break ground.

I think the phrase "we are so screwed"

cannot be said enough.

There must be something we can do.

They're gonna find Alejandro's body.

They'll--they'll do an investigation.

They'll learn he's my stepfather.


Unless what?

There's no body to be found.

Mom, I need my cat costume.

Dad and Jane will be here soon.

I'm just putting on the finishing touches.

The tracking number is jhkwrxa.

I'm not sure why the tracking numbers

are all letters, but it's your system, so--

Oh, forget it, forget it.
There he is.

Hey! Psst!

Up here! Up here!
Don't--don't ring the doorbell.

I just put my baby down for a nap.

Toss the package up here.

I'll catch it. I have three sons. Come on!


I can't wait any longer. Let me see.


Finished. All yours.

Thanks, mom.

I can't believe you made
this all by yourself.

Mrs. Scavo! I need a signature!

Let's go try it on. Come on.

Okay. Go, go.

I'm just saying you are one good wig

away from being a fantastic cowardly lion.

Drop it, witch.

Just say it for me once.

"I do believe in spooks.

I do, I do, I do believe in spooks."

Look, I'm only here because
you kidnapped my painting.

The ransom was two hours
of trick-or-treating,

no costume, no chitchat.

All I'm doing is counting the minutes

till I can get back to work.

Score. Check it out.

They had giant peanut butter cups.

Nice going, sweetie.

I got a chocolate bomb. You want some?

No, thanks, pal. What I want is to go.

But we've only done half the street.

Okay, well, tell you what.

What if we leave now, and
I'll give you 20 bucks?

You can buy all the candy you like.

Your father's just messing with you.
Run on ahead.

I promise I'll go fast, Andre.

He calls you "Andre"?

Oh, yeah, I prefer it.

"Dad" isn't an accurate characterization

of our relationship.

He's your son.

He's her son.

Biologically, he's yours.

Ontologically, he's getting
in the way of my work.

Well, psychologically,
you're a freakin' sociopath.

Do you see how desperately that boy

is trying to connect with you?

And you do everything you
can to push him away.

I'm not interested in the relationship.


I mean, he's not a novel
you can just toss aside

if it's boring.

Or a painting you just walk past

'cause it's not interesting.

He's a person with feelings.

Okay, just keep going.
This is really making the time fly by.

I have spent the last few weeks
trying to get you to like me,

and I just realized something.
I don't like you.

Your painting is in the utility closet

next to your classroom.

Go take care of your masterpiece.

I'll take care of your son.


Thank you for letting me tag
along trick-or-treating.

Chloe's 20 now, so I'm nostalgic
for things like this.

Aw, you're lucky. My older kids

are 20 as well, but this
one kept knocking me up

so now I won't get to be
nostalgic until I'm 90.

So... is Penny ready?
'Cause we gotta get to the McAllisters'

before they run out of popcorn balls.

She's just putting on her costume...

That I sewed with my hands,

and I'm pretty proud of it.


This is amazing.

Look. I'm a kitten with a whip.


This is just

in case she's attacked by dogs.

You're proud of this?

Yep. I thought it was cute.

Yeah, if she's trick-or-treating
for dollar bills!

It's completely inappropriate!

Honey, go back upstairs

and see if you can find
those "Smarty Pants."

Do I have to?

Penny, are you sure you
put the whole costume on?

I think so.

There wasn't a skirt that went with it?

'Cause I'm pretty sure a skirt
was a part of that pattern.


Yeah, yeah. There was.

Well, I'd bet I could help you
find that skirt your mom made.

I bet you could.

Go on.

Trick or treat?!

Hold that thought.

Trick or treat?!

What amazing costumes.

Now don't get me with your hook.

And look at you.
Aren't you the prettiest little princess

in the whole... world...


Now... let's see if we can
find something "fun size"

for me to enjoy.

Whoa! Is it, uh...

Is it hot in here?

Uh... don't think so.


Maybe I should, uh, take off a layer.


You all right?

I'm not sure. I've got this...

this tightness in my throat.

Yeah, and your eyes look a little glassy.

Uh, you sure you're okay?

We can do this another night, you know.

No, no, no. I'm fine, really.

Now... get over here, big man.

What about the house with the
spiderwebs and the bats?

That didn't scare you?

Nah, it takes a lot more
than that to scare me. Aah!

How did you get in here?

This was under the mat.

It's a great hiding place, by the way.

Had me stumped for a good four seconds.


Can we go trade candy?

Well, you'll have to ask Jasper's...


Yeah, it's fine.

All right. Yeah.

Thought you were gonna
finish your painting.

I will.

But I was thinking about what you said.

And you realized the error of your ways

and came to tell me that?

God. Is that how things work in your world?

Look, I get you don't like me.
Most people don't.

I've learned to live with
that mainly by not caring.

Oh. I think you care.

I swear to God I don't.

You have to understand, Susan.

My work is always gonna come first.

Even before Jasper?

That's what I was getting to.
I heard what you said.

He is my son.

And I'm gonna try to be a better dad.

Well, I bet it'll make
you a better painter.

I bet it won't.

You need to know something
about being a true artist.

This--this gift, this curse,
whatever it is--

it consumes you and blots out
everything else--

friends, family, everything.

I would never let that happen to me.

You may not have a choice.

Trick or...

That's weird.
They didn't even wait for the candy.

How's dinner coming?

Oh, it's just about r--
Oh, my God.

What happened to you?


You need to see a doctor.

Oh. Over this little rash? Don't be silly.

I'm not moving.

Oh, that's not good.

You know, o-on second thought,

I'm not really feeling very...

Oh, okay. Okay.

Definitely time for a doctor.

Almost finished.

Wow, from cathouse to
house cat in ten minutes.

You could do this professionally.

You mean like the person who made it?

Yeah. I may have...

slightly overexaggerated my sewing skills.

I guess... I was feeling...

This is new for me.

It's new for me, too.

You gonna bust me?

For trying to look good?

Lynette, when my husband left
me for our Swedish au pair,

I went out and bought my daughter a car.

She was 13.

Well, then it's official.

You're better at everything, even bribery.

Please. You had a career
and raised five kids.

I could barely keep it together with one.

Who says I kept it together?

I think you're doing pretty great.

You're smart, confident.

In fact, this might sound a little weird,

but... you seem like the kind of
person I could be friends with.

It doesn't sound weird.

Before, when you saved my ass out there,

that was the kind of thing a friend does.

Happy to help.


can I ask you to help
me with something else?


You think maybe you could stop

trying to take my husband away from me?


Your marriage ended.

Whoa. Whoa. That's not fair.

The circumstances were
completely different.

Maybe they were.

But you still know how it hurts.

So I'm asking you, please,

back off.


You think I'm gonna give up on him

just because you can't accept
your marriage is over?

We have five kids.

One of them is just a baby.

I'm not letting my husband
go without a fight.

Well, according to Tom, you're
always looking for a fight.

My ex was like that, too.

You know, and when you
find somebody who isn't,

you wanna hang on to them.

You should give this to Penny.

Okay, the girls are asleep.
Listen for the doorbell

in case there are some
late trick-or-treaters.

I know the drill.

Oh, and don't wait up for me. I'll be late.

We're taking Lynette out for a drink.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm fine, Gaby.

It's just her first holiday
without Tom and the kids,

so we wanna give her a fun night out,

you know, to boost her spirits.


We're digging up the body tonight?

We have no choice.

Ben's bulldozers start tearing
up the woods tomorrow morning.

Where are Carlos and Susan?

Carlos is not in a good place right now.

I didn't wanna freak him out.

And Susan has done nothing but
freak out, so it's just us.

Come on.

Oh. Okay.

I... I can't believe this.

We're getting rid of a dead body again.

I know. I'm so sorry.

No, I just spent the evening

with my husband's new girlfriend.

This doesn't sound so bad.

How you feeling?


They gave me a shot of cortisone.

The doctor said it was something I ate.

Maybe strawberries or nuts.

Really? Uh, he told me it
was the woman love fluid.

Okay. Good-bye. Nice knowing you.

I mean, you do know

you're not supposed to
roofie yourself, right?

Go away.

Well, I don't get it.

Now why would you take something like that?

Because... I wanted tonight
to be special, okay?


Because I haven't been with
anyone since my divorce.


When I moved here, you offered me sex

before you even knew my name.

Well, yeah, but that was before...

Can I put the sheet back on?


That was before I realized
how much I like you.

Well, I like you, too.

Uh, would you like some,
uh, company under there?

♪ Trick or treat? ♪

♪ Trick or treat? ♪

Uh, so this is the part
where you give me candy.

I don't know about this. What ever happened

to "never return to the
scene of the crime"?

She's got a point.

We just need to do this

in the most efficient manner possible--

find the grave, dig up the body...

Sounds easy so far.

Wrap it in a tarp, weight
it down with some bricks

and toss it in the lake.

I have all the supplies in my trunk,

along with clean towels, hand sanitizer,

and breathing masks in case
the stench is overwhelming.

Anyone wanna guess what a corpse looks like

after two months in the ground?

Oh, yeah. Is it just bones,

or is there, like, other stuff, too?

Ugh. Hey!


Did you hear something?

Yeah. What is that?


Who's there?

Who is that?!

I don't know. What do we do?

Run. Okay!

No! Split up.


Where'd he go? Is he gone?

For now, but we gotta hurry.

I-I think we're close.
I recognize this area.

Oh, God, this is creeping me out.

Well, it doesn't help that it's Halloween.

Let's just dig him up
and get this over with.




Oh, my God.





It's the irrational feeling

that the whole world is against you.


But it's no longer paranoia
when you discover...

that someone really is out to get you.