Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 17 - Women and Death - full transcript

Previously on Desperate
Housewives...

Carlos needed to make a change.

I am miserable at work.
I can't do it anymore.

Orson sent the police
an anonymous tip.

Got a feeling about this.

Enough of a feeling to go
dig up a construction site?

Mike protected Renee...

He is a good man.

But he paid the price.

Every day on Wisteria Lane,

women face their share
of problems...



like a paperboy
who's off the mark...

an appliance
that's out of whack...

or a report card
that's below par.

These everyday problems
can seem like

matters of life and death.

I've told your paperboy
ten times...

the flower bed sprinklers go on
at 6:00 A.M. sharp.

I don't know how you can
call him a repairman

if after he visits,
the thing is not repaired.

And get this, Carlos.
Her math teacher wrote,

"the only thing worse than
her arithmetic is her attitude."

But then something
truly horrible comes along...

and we rush to hold on
to what really matters...

Mike!



Before it's gone forever.

When a loved one dies,

certain decisions
have to be made.

A coffin must be selected.

A headstone must be picked.

Clothes must be chosen.

Preparing a body for burial

is never an easy thing to do...

But unearthing one
can be even harder.

Hey! I think we got something.

What do you think?

You look handsome.

What's that under your shirt?

My little tribute to Mike.

He would've loved that.

He was always trying to get me

to go to Indianapolis
for a game.

And I was too busy
being a big executive,

helping rich people get richer.

That'll be a...

Great eulogy someday, huh?

Is this about you wanting
to quit your job again

so you can be
an underpaid counselor?

I'm never gonna be able to get
you to understand this, am I?

What a difference
it would make in my life

if I felt like
I was helping people.

You're right. I'm never gonna
understand it, and I also

don't understand why we have
to talk about this today.

Because my best friend is dead,

and he died trying
to help people,

so if you ask me,
it kind of seems like

the perfect day
to talk about it.

This one?

Sure.

Um, shoes?

You pick.

Hi, Reverend.

Hello, Julie.

Susan.

I, um, wanted to show you

a... rough draft
of Mike's funeral service.

It's what we discussed...

a standard
episcopalian ceremony.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Um, just wanted to see
if you'd like to add anything

to make it
a little more personal.

Readings, for example.

Did he have any favorite poems?

Any favorite writers?

Mike really wasn't
much of a reader.

That's fine.

Were you planning on saying
something during the service?

Like what, "I wish someone
hadn't murdered my husband"?

Mom...

He's just trying to help.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just, uh...

I don't know what I would say
that would be enough.

I don't know how to tell people
what kind of man Mike was...

what kind of father and husband
and friend he was.

I just...

never thought I would
have to sum up his life

before he was...
done living it.

It's going to be okay.

Please, Reverend,

if there's one thing that I know
for sure at this moment,

is that...

bothing is ever
going to be okay again.

Hey.

Hey.

How's Susan holding up?

She'll be really glad you came.

I caught the first flight
after you called me.

I'm just, uh...

I'm still in shock.

You know what I keep
thinking about all morning?

Do you remember that time
you, me, Mike, and Susan

rented those cabins
by the lake?

Oh, no. The pontoon boat?

Yeah, the pontoon boat
with the broken gas gauge.

And I kept telling everybody,
"Don't worry.

- They'll come looking for us."
- And then the sun started to go down.

Who knew Mike was
such a great swimmer?

I know. It was half a mile to
shore, at least, in cold water.

He was an amazing guy.

I just can't believe
I'm never gonna see him

walk out of that house again.

I'm sorry.

I've been doing a really good job
keeping it together until now.

I'm so sorry, Lynette.

He really seemed like
a good guy.

Yeah. He was a great guy.

Well, we should
probably get going.

Hey.

You want to ride with us
to the church?

No. I still have to get ready.

So you guys go ahead.

Hey, Bree.

Oh. Please tell me you're not
wearing that to the funeral.

Uh, actually that's why
I was coming over.

I'm not going to the funeral,

so could you please tell Susan
how sorry I am?

You have to be there.
The whole neighborhood is going.

Uh, yeah, and they'll
all be thinking,

"There's the woman
that Mike was protecting

"when he beat up
that loan shark.

She's the reason he's dead."

Renee...

Mike stuck his neck out for me,

and now Susan's a widow,

and a 9-year-old kid has to
grow up without a father.

Look, I know you feel awful
about what happened,

but today is about
honoring Mike.

You do not get to make this
about your guilt.

Why are you looking at me
like that?

Because you're right,

and it's annoying.

Come on.

Go get changed,
and I will save you a seat.

Ugh. I really hate today.

Me, too.

Mrs. Van de Kamp?

Can I help you?

I'm detective Heredia,
Fairview P.D.

Oh. Uh, if this is about
Mike Delfino's murder,

I'd be happy to help, but...

as you can see,
I'm on my way to his funeral.

Actually, we already made
an arrest in that case.

Thank God.

I'm here
on an unrelated matter.

It's a missing persons
investigation.

Oh?

Yeah, I'd like you to come down
and answer some questions.

Now?

Please.

As she arrived
at Mike Delfino's funeral,

Gaby considered what her friend
Susan must be going through.

After all, Mike was
the love of Susan's life,

and that got Gaby thinking

about the love of hers.

So...
what do you think?

A lot of things.

Most of them obscene.

I like it, too!

It's royal wedding with
just a hint of slut.

So... how much?

Who cares?
You get what you pay for,

and you are getting this.

$12,000? Dios mio.

We didn't even pay this much
for our first house.

Yeah, well, how much
can mud and straw cost?

Ladies.

We are having a nice time.

Let's try and keep it that way.

Now be honest, mama.
Don't you like the dress?

Does it only come in white?

I'm just saying,
she's not fooling anybody.

Well, I think
she looks beautiful.

We'll take it.

No.

I will not let you spend money
like that.

Uh, could you give us a moment?

Ugh.

What are you doing?

She loves the dress,
and you keep insulting it.

You just don't get it,
do you, Carlos?

This is only the beginning.

You give in to her with this
dress, she'll bleed you dry.

Trust me.
That woman is a gold digger.

Hit her, Carlos.
Hit her.

Mama,

you know I love you,

but if you say one more
critical thing about Gaby,

don't bother
coming to our wedding.

Understood?

Well, I guess
you've made your choice.

I just hope she realizes
how lucky she is.

Mm. No.

I am the lucky one.

I've never met anyone like her,

and when she smiles at me,
you can't put a price on it.

So I don't care
if I have to work

20 hours a day
to keep her happy.

I'll do it.

Carlos, sweetie,

you know what would really make
this dress pop is...

Oh.

No, I shouldn't.

Tell me. What?

Well, it's probably too much,
but a pair of diamond earrings?

Then our next stop is
a jewelry store.

Mm.

Hey. What are those stains
on the living room rug?

The green is Juanita's puke,
the yellow is Celia's puke,

and the red is my Merlot.

Since when are you drinking wine
in the middle of the afternoon?

Since the girls started puking
in the middle of the afternoon.

Your soup is coming, Juanita!

Yes, Celia, yours, too!

Here. My shift is over.

No. No. No. No. No.
I can't, Gaby. Not tonight.

Why not?
I've been with them

since they got
the stupid stomach flu.

I haven't slept in four days.
I need a break, Carlos.

Tomorrow morning, ten clients
from Japan are flying in,

and in order for me
to win their giant account,

I have to wow them with

a PowerPoint presentation that
I have not even started yet.

All I hear is "blahbety-blah.
Japan. Blahbety blah."

I need a massage.

Oh, my God. Not again.

Every time a bell rings,
an angel does not get its wings.

A child almost gets hit!

It's just endless.

If something isn't coming out
of their mouths,

it's coming out of their butts.

Every opening is
on full service.

I can't do this anymore.
I'm starting to lose my mind!

Okay.

Okay.

Go get your massage. I will
take care of them tonight.

What about Japan?

This is more important.

I told you I would
always take care of you.

Go. Go get your massage.

Hey, girls! Daddy's home!
I got your soup!

Surprise taco visit.

Don't get too
excited. That's not a euphemism.

Hey, babe, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

What are you in the middle of?
Obviously not shaving

or putting on deodorant.
You look like a terrorist.

Can you please
just come back later?

Okay. I mean,

I thought it'd be nice to have
lunch together, but fine.

I'll just leave these for you.

Mike?

Hey, Gaby.

So Mike gets to come visit,
but not me?

Mike is just being a friend.
He gets what I'm going through.

Ah, I did my own little stint
in rehab.

I know how hard this can be.

Right. What do I know?
I'm only his wife.

Gaby. Gaby, wait.

He's a little on edge right now.
Cut him some slack.

You think I came here
to give him a hard time?

I just want to be here for him.

Yeah, but you being here
just reminds him

how he's messing everything up.
He feels like he's failing you.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Why do you think he's pushing
you away?

He can't stand
you seeing him like this,

and frankly, I think
he's a little scared.

Of what?

He's always provided for you,

and if you think
he can't do that anymore,

he's afraid
you might leave him.

Mike was a good man...

and so are you.

You should quit your job.

What? But you said that...

I was wrong.

If being a counselor's
gonna make you happy,

then that's what you should do.

As Lynette looked
at a wedding photo

of Susan and Mike,

she thought about the tragic
end of their marriage,

and that started her thinking
about the beginning of her own.

Oh, I got this.

No. No. No. No. No.
I got it.

Why? 'Cause you're the guy?

No, because I asked you out.
It's only fair.

Let me get it.

No. Next time.

Next time?

You're asking me out
on a second date?

Abso-tively.

Okay, but you should know
I have a 3-date rule

before I even consider
sleeping with someone.

For the record, I wasn't,
uh, expecting anything.

That said, if you take me out
for coffee now,

I would be willing to consider
that a second date.

And what if after that,
I offered you

half the candy bar
I have in my glove compartment?

Would that count
as a third date?

Let's have the coffee first

and see how it goes, shall we?

Let's get out of here.

So do we need
to tell H.R. about this?

Why would we?

Well, I think they want to know

when employees get
in a relationship.

Tom, we don't have to do
the whole relationship thing.

I am not one of those girls

looking for a ring and kids
and a house in the suburbs.

Although I am kind of partial
to white picket fences.

You don't think
there's anybody out there

who can
make you change your mind?

Not for the next seven years.

I have this whole plan
where I become Vice President.

Of the United States?

I meant the company,
but we'll see.

Okay. Can I look now?
My back is aching,

my ankles are swollen, and your
hands smell like cheese.

Ta-da!

What is this?

It's your dream house.

Someone already bought it.

Yeah, I did, for you.

Ow!

What the hell's wrong with you?

You don't just buy
someone a house.

The exception to the rule
being dream houses.

No, you still
should've consulted me.

This is a decision we're
supposed to make together

- and...
- Ow!

Oh, cramp. Oh, my foot.

- Here. Sit down.
- Okay.

Sit down.

Here.

- Where is it? Right there?
- Right there. Right there.

Come on.

Admit it.
This is kind of nice.

Yeah, it's nice,

but...

I have certain things
I want in a home.

I know. Like a-a tree house
for the twins to play in.

There's the perfect tree
for it.

And an herb garden...

there's a great spot
on the other side of the house.

And of course,

your white picket fence, just
like you always dreamed about.

Wait. I never said anything
about a white picket fence.

Sure, you did.
On our first date.

You said you were a sucker
for a white picket fence.

There's no way I said that
on our first date.

You did. I remember,
because as soon as you said it,

I got this image of us
sitting on our porch,

watching our kids play
while we drink lemonade

and look out over
our white picket fence.

Yeah, this does
seem like a nice place.

I'm sorry
I did this without you,

but I knew,

when I saw this house,
that you would love it.

Because I know you
better than anyone.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Ow!

- Here. These are yours, too.
- Ah.

Thanks. Um, do you mind if I
take the portable CD player?

The one I use
while I'm cooking?

How else
am I gonna play my CDs?

Yeah. Sure. Take it.

Okay. Thanks.

How you doing?

Great. It's all the fun
of a garage sale

without making any money

and only getting rid
of stuff you really like.

Why aren't you fighting harder?

It's just a CD player.

I'm talking
about your marriage.

Lynette, you know me.

I hate talking about this stuff,
but everybody on the street

knows you and tom are
supposed to be together.

I don't know.

At this point,
there's so many bad feelings,

I think time apart
will help us.

It won't.

I've been through this.
All right, I know how it goes.

Each of you waiting
for the other one

to admit they were wrong,
beg to be taken back.

The problem is,
the whole time you're waiting,

you're just growing
further apart.

But you and Susan
got back together.

And I kick myself every day
for letting it take so long.

What I'm trying to say is,

somebody's gotta make
the first move.

I can't right now.

I'm too angry.

And one day you won't be.

I hope it's not too late.

For either one of you.

Don't let it bother you, honey.

What?

Tom, showing up
with his girlfriend.

It's fine.

I actually don't think it's
gonna last that much longer.

Yeah? You heard something?

No, I decided something.

Bree Van de Kamp
found herself helpless

in the face of a powerful man.

And this got her thinking

about the ways she'd handled
powerful men before

and how she'd learned to do it.

Bree.

What are you making?

Honey pecan pie.

It's your father's favorite.

Can I help?

Pie's done,

but I can teach you
how to make whipped cream.

Of course
there's so many things

I should probably
teach you first.

Like what?

Like... how to be a woman.

That is the most important
lesson I can pass down.

As the cream thickens, you whip
it a little faster, okay?

Don't I become a woman
just by getting older?

Oh, no, Bree.

There's some things
you're too young to understand,

but...

I think you're old enough
to learn about the mask.

The mask?

It's what my mother called it.
It's the face you wear

when you don't want people
to know what you're feeling.

All well-brought-up women
conceal their emotions.

It's very useful, especially
when dealing with men.

Why?

Well, if a man
knows what you're thinking,

it gives him power over you.

For example,

if a man knows
how much you love him,

he'll take you for granted.
He'll hurt you...

carelessly,

cruelly,

constantly.

Does daddy know
that you love him?

Yes. I have
told him repeatedly

that I cannot live without him.

If you're so upset with him,

why are you making
his favorite pie?

Because after
all of these years,

I've forgotten
how to wear my mask.

So now I must do things
to distract daddy.

Like this pie.

When I bring it out,
he'll be so excited,

he won't notice
the devastation in my eyes.

Devastation?

Mm-hmm. It's an emotion.

The kind you might feel
when your friend calls

to say your husband's LeSabre

was seen in the parking lot
of a certain motel,

next to
his secretary's bonneville.

Practice your mask.

Oh, no.

Honey, that's too much.

All you need is
the hint of a smile.

Perfect.

When an expression like that,

no one will ever know
what you're really thinking.

And I'll have power over men?

God, I hope so.

Why are you angry?

Who says I'm angry?

After all these years,
you don't think I can read you?

Well, if I'm such an open book,
what am I angry about?

So you admit you're angry.

I admit no such thing.

You know...

this thing you're doing...

and what thing would that be?

You put on this plastic face

to keep me in the dark about
what you're really feeling.

A-and I walk around
on eggshells for days,

not knowing which end is up.

Well, maybe I don't feel safe

sharing every single thought
and emotion I have with you.

Hmm.

Well, that's a horrible thing
to say.

Of course you can feel safe
with me.

I'm your husband.

I love you.

Please.

Okay.

After dessert,

you paid a certain...

compliment to Gabrielle.

You gotta be kidding.

It was hurtful.

To who?

To me.

You told her she was the most
gorgeous woman you'd ever met.

- She was a model.
- I don't care.

You don't say that with your
wife standing right next to you.

I'm going to bed.

Now?

You wanted to know
what I was feeling.

I'm feeling...

hurt and humiliated.

And I think you're dumb
to feel those things.

Are you coming to bed?

Or are you just gonna
stay down here and pout?

Actually, I was just
thinking about my mother...

and how insightful she was.

Insightful about what?

I'll be right along.

I just want to, uh...

tidy up first.

Okay.

Oh, and, Rex?

I'll be serving Belgian waffles
for breakfast.

Wow.

They're my favorite.

Mm.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

It's quite all right.

Although I'm still
a little unclear

as to why you brought me here.

Have you ever met a man
by the name of ramon Sanchez?

No, I don't believe I have.

Why?

He disappeared from his home
a few months ago.

And we just got a tip

that he's dead.

Oh, my.

You say you never met him?

Ramon Sanchez. No, that name
doesn't ring a bell.

Well, you see,
because of this tip,

someone out there is accusing
you of killing Mr. Sanchez.

Oh, good heavens.
That's just silly.

And as it happens,

Mr. Sanchez was found
exactly

where the tipster said
he would be.

And was he...

Dead?

Yes, ma'am.

What a shame.

Because you have been identified
as Mr. Sanchez's killer...

you had no choice but to
bring me in for questioning.

I understand.

So I have to ask you...

Did you kill him?

Absolutely not.

I must say,
you are hard to read.

Thank you.
What a lovely compliment.

You think that's a compliment?

I was raised to be composed
at all times.

This is obviously
a very stressful situation...

finding myself accused
of a horrific crime.

And the fact
that you would think

that I'm comporting myself

with a measure of grace
and dignity...

Well, that's a thoughtful thing
to say. You're very sweet.

Now do you have
any other questions?

I hate to rush you,

but I'm late for the funeral
of a very dear friend.

Hmm.

I can't think of a thing.

Well, it was lovely
meeting you,

and I do hope you find out
what happened to Mr. Sanchez.

I'm sure we will.

See? What did I tell you?

She's something all right.

I'm just not sure what we got
by bringing her down here.

We got her fingerprints.

"I am the resurrection and the life..."

As Susan listened

to the kind words the minister
had to say about Mike,

she found herself at a loss.

She knew people wanted
to hear from her,

but she had no idea
what she wanted to say.

I can't believe
you're making me do this.

Oh, wait. I think
what you mean to say is,

"Susan, sweet, wonderful Susan,

"thank you for marrying me
and allowing me the honor

of carrying your beautiful
behind inside our house."

You are so drunk right now.

No, I am not. I'm just...

Oh, I've never been
this happy in my life.

I feel like I could float.

I wish you could.

Aah!

Oh.

Yeah, I'm happy, too.

That's it?

"I'm happy"?

Well, that covers it.

What do you want from me?
I'm not a big... word guy.

Okay. Come on, mister...

Strong and silent.

What?

Write me a poem.

Oh, leave me alone
with this stuff.

It's my wedding night,
and I want a poem.

Come on. Let's go.

All I remember is this thing
from when I was a kid.

I'll take it.

Give me my poem, husband.

I love you once.

I love you twice.

I love you more
than beans and rice.

Oh.

Now that is a poem. Oh.

It's really smart
you guys are doing this.

When people die without a will,
it can be a nightmare.

You okay, honey?

Of course I'm okay.

We're about to talk
about us dying

for the next two days.

If it makes you feel any better,
nobody enjoys this.

I'm shocked to hear that.

You got any cancer pamphlets
in there?

In case we finish early.

Susan, come on.
This is important.

We got the baby coming.
We got the house.

I'm not saying
a will isn't important.

I'm saying
it's a beautiful day.

We should take a walk
or something

and deal with
this dying stuff...

on a nice, dreary, rainy day.

Um, bathroom's right there, Bob.

I don't need
to use the bathroom.

Or maybe I do.

Okay. What is it?

We're jinxing us.

By doing this, we're telling
death, "come on in."

No, it's when you don't do this
that it's a jinx.

Look, I'm a plumber,
and it's always

the people that don't have
homeowner's insurance

whose toilets explode.

Is it what they eat?

Missing my point.

No, avoiding your point.

Go wash your hands.

Please?

We'll do it Saturday.
I promise.

Look, I know it's tough,
but indulge me, okay?

Because if something happens,

there's nothing
more important to me

than knowing that you
and you...

are taken care of.

Bob, come on!

We're not paying you
to go to the bathroom.

Oh, this is
what I'm talking about.

None of that kobe beef, arugula,
and goat cheese nonsense.

Give me good old-fashioned
ground beef,

American cheese,
and iceberg lettuce any day.

Well, I am glad you're happy,

but I am not sure
that any burger is

worth a half-hour drive
in the car.

That's just 'cause
you haven't taken a bite yet.

Juanita said Mrs. Van de Kamp's
boyfriend got killed by a car.

Uh, yes.

Yes, he did.

Um...

and it was an accident.

It was very sad.

But you don't have to worry.

As long as we remember
to look both ways

before we cross the street,
that'll never happen to us.

Where do we go when we die?

Well, you know,
we go to heaven.

I know, but does everyone go?

Everyone you know
will go to heaven.

What about animals?

Animals go to heaven, too.

What about bugs?

Bugs are annoying.

We don't want bugs in heaven.

What about the animals
that eat the bugs?

Won't they starve?

You're right.

There are bugs in heaven.

But if all the people
and all the animals

and all the bugs that ever lived
go to heaven,

isn't it super crowded?

No, sweetie.

Heaven is perfect.

How is it perfect?
I mean, what's it like?

You wanna jump in here?

Buddy, this is heaven.

It is?

Sure. Sitting with the people

you love more than
anything in the world,

eating a double cheeseburger
and fries... it's gotta be heaven.

- You know what else is heaven?
- What?

That place we fish.

Near the waterfall?

Yep. Heaven.

And when we watch football
together

and mom brings us
trays of snacks.

That's heaven, too?

If heaven is supposed to be
the happiest place you can be,

don't all those places
sound like it to you?

What are hamburgers
made out of?

'Cause I know they're not ham.

Thank you for coming

to help honor
Mike Delfino's life.

The family invites you
to join them at the cemetery.

Uh...

I changed my mind.

Hi.

I-I wasn't, uh,
planning to say anything

because, uh...

I had absolutely no idea
what to say.

Mike and I never talked about

what he wanted for a funeral.

I think it's because, um...

Well, you know Mike.

He... wasn't really
much of a talker.

Some of you,

as you came by to hug me today,

you said that
he's in a better place.

And you know what? I...

I realize now...

He is.

He... is in a diner...

eating cheeseburgers
with his family...

And he's fishing

at a waterfall...

and he's watching football
with his son,

yelling like a maniac.

So...

Since he has to be in...

all those wonderful places...

I'm going to have to say
good-bye to him now.

Good-bye, Mike.

I love you once.

I love you twice.

Oh.

I love you more
than beans and rice.

You know what?
Mike was right.

This was the best freaking
burger I've ever had in my life.

You got that right.

Susan, you haven't eaten
a thing. Aren't you starving?

0-5-1-6-0-2.

I-I just remembered...

it's Mike's password
for his voice mail.

I have to call
the cell phone company,

or they're gonna charge us
for an extra month.

I can do that for you.

I will call them
first thing tomorrow morning.

M.J. signed... up

for pitching
for little league this year.

Mike was supposed to teach him.

Oh, honey, I'll send Carlos over
to coach him.

I gave him two girls who hate
sports, so he'll be thrilled.

Mike was always
checking the tires on our car

with this thingy.

I don't know
where the thingy is.

I just know it was important
and it kept us safe.

Hey. Hey. Tom's still
taking care of our cars.

I'll just tell him to add yours
to his to-do list from now on.

Oh.

Susan, we are gonna do
everything we can

to hold you up, okay?

Okay.

Yes, as much as death
takes from us,

it also gives.

It teaches us
what's truly important...

like giving back
after a lifetime of taking...

going after something

we never
should have let go of...

or looking back
on what made us who we are.

But sometimes the lessons
learned after a person's death

aren't the ones we expected.

Forensics says
the prints on the mug

match the prints we found
on the dead guy.

Whole time she was dating Chuck,
I never trusted her.

You think we got enough
to arrest her?

Probably.

Let's hold off.

I wanna make sure we get enough
to put this bitch away for good.