Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 12 - What's the Good of Being Good - full transcript

Bree's life continues to spiral as her alcohol consumption rises -- as does her lust for men; Lynette goes out on her first date since separating with Tom -- with Renee's hairdresser; Alejandro's current wife suspects foul play is...

Previously on...

Susan tracked down the wife
of the man she helped bury

and tried to make things right.

I think you added an extra zero.

I wanna do something to help.

Lynette adjusted to life without Tom.

Lots of things like this
are going to happen.

I have to be able to fix them.

Mike stopped Ben from making a mistake...

- Are you crazy?
- Who is this guy?

Sorry, pal,

the deal's off.
He's not taking your money.

Then told him something
he didn't know about Renee.

If she divorced a cricket player,

I might recognize the name.

If she divorced a cricket player,

she wouldn't have gotten $12 million.

And Bree's falling out with her friends

led to some dangerous behavior.

Can I buy you another drink?

You can buy me breakfast.

Bree Van de Kamp had always
enjoyed a sterling reputation.

She was known for being kind to strangers

and for greeting them with a warm welcome.

She made sure every guest felt comfortable

and that no part of her
home was off-limits.

She never had the heart
to turn anyone away,

because no matter how many
guests she was hosting

or how late she was entertaining,

her generosity knew no bounds.

That was amazing.

It was nice.

And unexpected.

An hour ago, when I offered
to buy you that glass of wine,

I didn't know what a good
investment it would be.

I don't waste any time...

when I see something I like.


And sexy. You may be the perfect woman.

Get out.


I mean... it's time to go.

Uh... it's... it's...
it's 4:00 in the morning.

Yeah, and my neighbor, Karen McClusky,

starts her day at 5:00
with a pot of coffee

and a seat near her front window.

This is my only chance
to get you out of here

without her noticing.

Who cares if she notices?

I do. I have a certain
reputation on this street,

and I don't want to become
the subject of idle gossip.

Now come on.

Well, uh... thanks again.
This-this was terrific.

Ah, yes, here are your pants.

Thanks. Uh, really love to see you again.

Aw, that's sweet.
Don't forget your jacket.

It's quite chilly out tonight.

I'm serious. Let's do this again.

How about Friday?

Oh, I'm afraid I'm busy.

Thursday or Wednesday?

Can I at least get your phone number

or your last name?

You seem like a good person,

so I'm gonna be honest.

I have no interest in having
a relationship with you.

Why not?

Because I am past the point in my life

where I hope every date will flower

into a meaningful relationship.

I have had husbands and boyfriends,

and they've brought me nothing
but heartbreak and pain.

So now all I want is a body
in my bed at night, briefly.

So that's it?
You're just gonna kick me out?

I am so sorry. Where are my manners?

Yes, Bree had always enjoyed
a sterling reputation...

It was lovely having sex with you.

Have a wonderful day.

And she saw no reason that should change.

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In the life of every housewife,

there comes a time for renovation...

when an eager child learns a new skill...

when a romantic evening
becomes an unsightly mess...

or when a dinner party
comes to an unexpected end.

But sometimes the only thing
that needs to be removed...

is a memory.

So basically I want a whole new look...

new furniture, new paint, you name it.

So we can get rid of everything,

including the Virgin Mary and her kid?

Ah. No, no, no, no.
My faith is very important to me.

Name three apostles.

Okay, fine. Move it to the guest room.

Hey, can you guys get this
all done in two weeks?

- Probably.
- Why the rush?

That's when Carlos is done with rehab.

I don't want him coming
back into the room.

It just freaks him out.

Why would this room freak him out?

'Cause it was where Celia was conceived,

and frankly, that kid's
been nothing but trouble.

Uh, so, Lynette, is Tom back from Paris?

Not yet. Jane arranged for them...

to pop over to London for a couple days.

That slut.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

I mean, yeah, she's a slut,

but I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

It's the kick in the pants
I need to start dating again.

- Good for you.
- Yeah, it's a big step.

I know, which is why I'm hoping
you two might know someone

you could set me up with.

Uh, sure. We will think about it.

What was that?

What was what?

What was that look thing you just did?

Oh. There it is. You did it again.

It... Lynette, you're a wonderful person.

You are strong and sexy and smart,

so... fixing you up would
be a bit of a challenge.


Well... because you're so unique.

Such an original.

Feisty and so certain of what you believe.

Stop trying to make all those
sound like compliments.

You're basically telling me I'm a bitch.

Oh, my god!

We're just saying it takes
a certain kind of man

to appreciate all you have to offer.

Preferably one with a hide like a rhino

and the fighting spirit
of a baby harp seal.

Okay, so we're done sugarcoating?

Okay, look, I've met me.

I know I can come on a little strong,

but I have to believe there's
a guy out there somewhere

that finds that appealing.

And... you two are gonna
help me find that guy.

Ohh, fine. You win.

You always do, because you're so...


Oh, my god.

Aah! Oh, my god!

Why are you still here?!
Didn't the alarm go off?

Yeah, 4 o'clock in the morning.
I shut it off.

No. That's when you leave.
That's when all the men leave.

It's the rule.

Okay, I'll get rid of whoever's knocking,

and you can sneak out the back. Stay put.

Yeah, but I have...

And don't move.

Karen, hi.

Th-this is not a good time.

I am so angry, I could spit.

You've gotta help me, Bree.

With what?

The church bake sale.

Everyone knows I make the lemon bars,

but this year, Helen Simpson
says she's making them, too,

and I can't compete with her.
She uses real lemons.

And what do you use?

I'm on a fixed income, okay?

Oh, God!

I mean... that must be so hard for you.

You're the head of the Women's Auxiliary.

What should I do?

Have you considered covering your lemons?


I-I mean, you have lemon bars covered,

so I'm gonna ask Helen to
make blueberry cheesecake.

Okay, thanks.

Now off you go.

I will. I'm just waiting
for the naked guy behind me

to finish getting dressed.

Sorry. Couldn't wait.

I've got a meeting.
Have you seen my pants?

Uh, you left them on the kitchen island.

Don't give me the judgmental eyebrow.

He is a dear old friend of mine

visiting from out of town.

See you later, Dan.

Don. Hi.

Just go.

Now can I give you the eyebrow?

Fine. I met him last night at Murray's.

My car broke down, and I...

I went inside to wait for a tow truck.

And how about the guy I saw
leaving the other morning?

My god. What time are you getting up?

Caught that one on the way to the can.

What is going on, Bree?

You don't seem... yourself lately.

I am absolutely fine.

Okay. Whatever you say.

Come on.

What is your big surprise?

Just a few more feet.

Because if it's a 3-way, I gotta warn you,

that's how I met my ex-husband.

Uh, no, it's not that.

Your fish.

You're getting rid of it?

Well, I know how much you hate it.

Well, it meant so much to you...

for some stupid-ass reason
you once explained to me.


Bruce and I had some good times together.

But you and I have been
having our share, too,

and, uh, you know,
if I have to pick one of you

for the long haul, well...

The long haul? What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say...

I want you to come to
dinner tomorrow night.

Ah. Sounded like there
was more to it than that.

Well, maybe there is,

but you'll have to come
to dinner to find out.

Sounds intriguing.

We're not having swordfish, are we?


I will be upstairs.

Keep it short.

Hey, Carl. What's up?

No, no, don't send out the layoff notices.

We'll make payroll. I've got this covered.

No, not the bank.

I'm working on something else.


Where the hell is my husband?

Oh, hey, I'm sorry. The door slipped.

Whoa. Okay. I just vacuumed,
so if you could...



He isn't here. H-how did you find me?

Your address was on the check, genius.

When I find you,

I'm gonna wring your neck like a chicken!

You seem a little tense.
Do... do you want some herbal tea?

I want my husband!

What makes you think I know where he is?

You told my daughter
he was never coming back.

You think it's that easy
to steal my man, bitch?

Wait. You think that
I'm having an affair with Ramon?

Did he give these to you?

No! No! These are from my husband.

So you're cheating on your husband,
too. You whore.

Okay, look, I swear
there is no possible way

I could be having an affair
with your husband. Trust me.

Well, I think you're lying.

And you wanna see what I do to liars?

Hey, mom. Who's that?

Please don't.

You're the home wrecker, not me.

But this isn't over.

I wanna get to the carpet
store before it closes.

Oh, relax. It's a block away.

Just need to confirm my appointment.

Hi. Making sure I'm still
on with Frank 2:00 Thursday,

and reminding you what
happened the last time

you screwed up my appointment.

She hasn't forgotten, Renee.
None of us have.


How are you? This is my friend Lynette.


Who's the lucky guy doing you?


Nobody. My husband and I are separated,

and he just took
his girlfriend to London and...

He was talking about your hair.

Oh, of course you were.

I'm gonna meet you at the carpet store.

Seriously, your hair is amazing.

Any chance you'd ever let me style you?

Uh, well, I've been going to
Gustave on main for years.

I'd feel like I was cheating on him.

Well, he doesn't have to know.

Yeah, but...

Gustave is jealous and french,

and I wouldn't want this ending up

a pistols-at-dawn kind of thing.

Loyalty. Just makes me want you more.

All right. Stop sniffing each other.

I need a bottle of conditioner.

Coming right up.

Well, he seems great.

Why don't you set me up with him?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Why not? You saw he was flirting.

Well, no, he's not right for you.

He just got divorced,

and he's not looking for anything serious.

Neither am I. It's perfect.

Honey, you're about to go on
your first date in 20 years.

I really don't wanna see you get hurt.

Don't worry about me.

I'm feisty, remember?


Don't make me use the baby voice.

Oh, not the baby voice.


I even hate when babies
use the baby voice.

Pwease, Wenee,

help Wynette date the big,
sexy hair dwesser.

- pwease.
- Okay, okay.

Okay. Oh, thanks.

Look, Lynette may be
loyal to her hairdresser,

but she is single.

So maybe the two of...

I'd love to. How about tonight?

Sounds great.

Leave your number with Linda.
I'll call you when I'm done.

Great. Thank you.

To thank you, I will never
again do the baby voice.

Ah, I appreciate it.

But I've still got the british one.

Pip, pip, cheerio,
jolly ol' crumpets and tea,

let's go. Ta-ta.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

Why can't we walk to the bus by ourselves?

All of our friends do.

I'm not trusting you with Celia.
Remember your gerbil?

I was younger then.

I didn't know how to make a parachute yet.

Okay, fine. Go.


Yeah. Walk, run. Whatever.

Quick, before she changes her mind!


And that's when I decided
to fly to Oklahoma city

and visit them.


And I obviously didn't have $1,000 cash,

so I had to write a check.

With your address on it. Perfect.

And I was hoping that
when she calmed down,

she would realize
we weren't having an affair.

Apparently not.

I can't believe
you would go to his family.

Why would you do that?

I felt so guilty. Oh, it was eating me up.

The guilt again?

You feel guilty, so you assault a cop.

You feel guilty,
so you paint the murder scene.

You feel guilty, so you go to his house?

When is this gonna end?

I just needed to make sure they were okay.

You know, they didn't do anything.

Susan, we were in the clear.

There was nobody who
could connect him to us,

and then you had to go tell his wife...

No, no, no, his widow...

he was never coming back.

I didn't tell Claudia. I told Marisa.

Who the hell is Marisa?

His 15-year-old stepdaughter.

Wait. You talked to her?

Do you think he was...

Well, how do you know? Did she tell you?

She didn't have to.

I've only seen that look in
someone's eyes once before...


Do you think she's told her mother?

It didn't seem like she told anyone.

She needs to.

Keeping a secret like that...
it just... tears you up.

I'm so sorry. I...

I don't know how
we're gonna get out of this one.

I do.

Call Claudia and tell
her I wanna talk to her.

Who do I say you are?

The woman's who gonna tell her
the truth about her husband.

So... what's your feeling on carpaccio?

My feeling is I'd like to
be locked inside a room

made of carpaccio and eat my way out.

I am so happy to hear you say that.

My ex never let me order anything raw

without giving me a lecture
about the dangers of E. coli.

Ugh. Sexy.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
be talking about her.

No, it's nice to hear

about someone else's marriage
problems for a change.

Oh, there was no problem,

as long as we did
everything exactly her way.

"Why do you have to
work for somebody else?"

"Why don't you get your own salon?"

I can see how that would be frustrating.


I suppose someone could argue

that she was just trying to help you.

Help me? By making me feel
like a failure all the time?

Yeah, that is pretty awful.


maybe she meant it as
a motivational technique.

So you agree with her?

I am just trying to understand

what she might have been thinking.

I mean, you don't wanna be
a stylist forever, right?

Why not?


who wants to be cutting
hair when they're 60?

I mean, wouldn't you rather be
checking in on your own salon

from a beach in Bali?

I like cutting hair.

Then that is all that matters.


My goodness, you certainly do work out.

I just love a man with a firm bicep.

You want to feel mine?

Reverend Sykes, what are you doing here?

The more pertinent question is,
what are you doing here?

Well... as you always say,

there's no point in
preaching to the choir.

You've gotta go out into the world

and... try to set
the youth on a different path.

I think your path should
take you elsewhere,

perhaps to one of those ladies

not so burdened down with clothing.

I can only imagine what you must think.

Oh, what I think is,
as Karen McCluskey put it,

"You're back on the yahoo juice."

Oh, that's not mine.

Some poor soul who was here
before me must have left it.

I suppose I have allowed myself
to slip back into some...

old habits.

Well, that's why I'm here,

to keep you from slipping any further,

so gather up your things and let's go.

You must be so disappointed in me.

It's all right, Bree.
I've been your pastor for years,

and you're the most proper
and appropriate woman

I've ever come across.

This is obviously a temporary lapse

and not who you truly are.

- How can you say that?
- Excuse me?

How can you say who I truly am

when I don't even know myself?

We can discuss this later.
Now come on. Follow me.

But I have been following you for years,

and I am still terribly lost.

I need to find out who I really am,

and I think... maybe the place
I need to search is right here.

You do realize,
if you continue to do this,

I can no longer let you
lead the Women's Auxiliary.

You can't do that.
The bake sale is this sunday.

It would be a disaster without me.

I'm looking at a much
bigger disaster right here.

Now you're just being cruel.

That's not very ministerial of you.

I didn't only come here as your minister.

I also came as your friend.

But clearly, you have no
interest in either right now.

So as you can see,

within two years of opening the salon,

you will have amortized
all the start-up costs.

Uh, we are not ready yet.

At that point, there's no reason

you couldn't consistently turn a profit.

Oh, my god.

Can we talk about something else?

I'm just trying to help.
From what Renee tells me,

people go to the salon because of you,

and yet half that money... your money...

is going to the owner.

Seriously, this is making my stomach hurt.

Could it be 'cause you're scared?

How could you say that?
You know nothing about me.

I know. I know. It's just...
we've spent an hour

coming up with a perfectly
reasonable 5-year plan,

and it just makes your stomach hurt.

You know who else had
a 5-year plan? Stalin.

Okay. Oh, I'm sorry I said anything.

You're happy where you are. That's great.

There's nothing wrong with being average.

I am not average.

I'm sorry. Adequate, settled, comfortable.

Whatever you wanna call it.

Why don't we just order?

Good idea.

Oh, the salmon looks good.

At a steakhouse?

You're right. I'm sure
it's perfectly adequate...

settled, comfortable.

I don't know what Ben has up his sleeve,

but it's gonna be a special night,

so I really wanna look great.

Speaking of which,

how was your, uh, big date with Lynette?

Ah! Little tight.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

The date was interesting.

I really owe you one.

What happened to your hair?

You happened to my hair.

Frank was the one guy in this podunk town

who knew how to relax
a black woman's hair.

Now I look like an extra from
"Foxy brown."

And thanks to you,
our relationship is ruined.

Wait. Frank did that?

I had no idea our date was that bad.

Oh, really?

Did you or did you not
give him a 5-year plan

on a cocktail napkin?!

Well, I may have made a few
constructive suggestions,

but only because I saw
potential in the guy.

He could really be something.

He is something, and he likes who he is.

He doesn't need you telling
him that it isn't good enough.

I am not going to apologize
for trying to help the guy.

If he can't handle it, that's his problem.

Ah, I see.

So it's his fault
you tried to control him?

Just like it was Tom's fault
you tried to control him?

What did both of those
guys have in common?

Oh, wait. Give me a second.
Uh, I'll think of it.

I'd say put on a thinking cap,

but I don't think there's one big enough.

Well, at least I can cover up this mess.

That one is gonna take
a hell of a lot more work.

Come on. Take off the scarf.

How bad could it be?

You'd be surprised.
I look like a bottle brush.

So what's the big occasion here?

First, a toast.

To the woman who came roaring into my life

like a one-eyed wombat.

Uh, it's a good thing.

A force who makes each day

more exciting and
surprising than the last.

Now... I realize
it's only been a few months,

but, uh...

I found myself falling for you, Renee.

And, uh...

I know a keeper when I see one.

Oh, Ben.

You like it?

- I love it.
- Yeah?

It's just... it's so fast.

Well, if you need to
take your time, I under...

No, no, I don't need to take my time. Yes!

I'll marry you!

You have made me so happy.

You don't know what you've done for me.

When my... marriage ended,

I felt so betrayed.

I decided I would never
trust anyone again.

And then you came along.

I just feel so safe with you

in a way that I've never felt before.

And I know that...

in my heart this is right.

I can't do this.


Just forget I said anything, okay?

Forget you asked me to marry you?

What? Give me the ring.

You don't wanna marry me, Renee.
I'm an awful person.

You're an amazing person.

Now slide it on right there.

- I can't.
- Why?

What is going on?

Oh, god. You're gonna hate me for this.

I'm having some financial problems,


I guess I thought if we pooled
our resources, that... oh.

You wanted to marry me for my money?

I know.

I'm sorry.

Look, Renee...

I meant every word I said.

I do love you.

There's really no way for me
to know that now, is there?

Hi, Claudia.

I'm Gaby. Thanks for coming.

Yeah. This one said
you wanted to talk to me?

What about?

We should go inside.

- You're not coming?
- No.

I'm-I'm gonna wait out here.

I think you two could
probably use some privacy.

It's not usually this messy in here.
We're redecorating.

Excuse me, Mrs. Solis?
Do you have a second?

What-what is that?

Red wine. New year's eve party.

We were playing... smash-the-bottle,

which is a terrible game.

Okay. Uh, we're taking lunch.

Just wanted to give you
a heads-up before we replace it.

Great! Great. Don't need any
reminders of that crazy night.

Can I get you something to drink?

No. You can tell me what
the hell I'm doing here.

Where's Ramon?

Well... how to start this...

First of all, the man you're looking for...

his real name is Alejandro Perez.


No, it's not.

Trust me.

I knew him before he ever met you.


He was my stepfather.

You okay?

I just want all this to be over.

Me, too.

But it's never going to end.

She won't stop looking for him.

She still loves him.

So you didn't tell her?

No way.

She would never believe me.

Did you tell anyone?


Marisa, I'm not gonna
pretend to understand

what you're dealing with.

But I have a friend who
went through the same thing,

and she said that as awful as it was,

keeping the secret only makes it worse.

So if he left you and your mom,

changed his name,
started a whole new life,

why'd he come back to see you?

I had visited my hometown.
I said some things about him.

He heard, and he wanted me to stop.

What kind of things?

Look, this isn't easy for me...

What kind of things?

When I was 15, he molested me.

You expect me to believe that?

I was a virgin, and he hurt me.



I know this is hard to hear.

I don't know what you and your friend did.

I don't know what happened to my husband.

All I know is everything
I'm being told is a lie.

It's not! He was a child molester.

Shut up! You can make it
sound as bad as you want.

You can tell all the disgusting
lies you can think of.

I will never believe you.

Then believe me.


I was too scared to tell you.

I know how much you love him.

Oh, my god.

Are you saying...

I kept thinking it would stop.

No. No.

Not my baby.



It is all my fault.

Come in.

You were right.

All those years, I thought I pushed Tom

because he needed me to.

Well, he did.

No, he didn't, and that guy wasn't Tom.

He was just a perfectly lovely guy,

perfectly content with his life

until hurricane Lynette hit him.

At least you recognize it.

They always say that's the first step.

Mm, can I tell you the truth?

There was a part of me that
recognized it the whole time.

A little voice inside my head telling me,

"You like this guy,
and you're driving him nuts. Stop."

But I couldn't.

What if after all these years,
I can't stop?

What if this is who I am?

Remember in college
you used to bite your nails?

You stopped that.

Yeah, by taking up smoking.

Remember how you quit smoking?


I've never seen you more relaxed

than when you were taking those classes.

I don't know.

All I'm saying is

you are the most determined person I know.

You can do anything you want.

I just wanna be different.

I'm sick of being
this hypercritical nut job.

It'll get better.

Trust me. And so will dating.

You will find somebody.

I hope you're right.

I mean, hell, if you found Ben...

I'm joking. I'm joking.

Ben and I...

it's over.

So that's where the tough guy lives, huh?

Can we just do our business, please?

You pay every week, everyone's happy.

You miss one, it'll cost you.

You miss two...

You don't wanna miss two.

Don't worry.

I just have to get past this rough patch,

and then the money will be rolling in.

Take your time.

Besides, if you're not good for it,

I understand that pretty
girlfriend of yours is loaded.

She's got nothing to do with this.

You keep her out of it. You understand me?

There's a lot of tough
guys on this street.

Hi! Come in.

We're not staying.

Just... came to say good-bye.

And thank you.

You sure you don't wanna stay?
I have a guest room.

No, we need to be getting back.

This one's missed enough school already.

Give me a second, mija.

I still don't know how
this could have happened

under my nose.

You must think I'm
the worst mother in the world.


At least you believe her.
My mother never did.

But I'm the one who brought
that man into her life.

You didn't know. Nobody ever knew...

What a monster he was?

I know now, thanks to you.

You said that stain was red wine?

You should probably get rid of that.

Bree, what are you doing here?

Oh, I've been running
this bake sale for eight years.

Why wouldn't I be here?

I told everyone you weren't feeling well

and had decided to sit this one out.

Well, I'm feeling better now.

Besides every bake sale

needs... a tart.

While I appreciate a good
culinary double entendre

as much as the next man,

I really don't think you should
be here in your condition.

I'm fine. Look how beautifully
my dessert came out.

Shortcrust pastry, fresh strawberries...

You've obviously been drinking.

I don't want you to embarrass yourself.

Well, I appreciate your concern, reverend,

but I can take care of myself.

You're very welcome.

Tell all your friends to come to my table.

All right, who's next?


Oh, my god. Bree.

Wh-what are you doing here?

This is my church.

Are you a member?
I've never seen you here before.

I, uh, just joined. Yes.
Nice talking to you.

Wait, wait.

Can't I tempt you with a slice

of my famous strawberry... tart?

I, uh, I should probably get going...

What a funny coincidence this was.

Will I see you at Murray's later?

Or... we could just
skip the Murray's part,

and you could come...
straight to my house.

Greg, who is this woman?

Uh, this is Bree.
She, um, she goes to this church.

Doesn't sound like you met her in church.

Excuse me. What business
is it of yours how we met?

I'm his wife.

I guess it is your business.


You're always going on about working late

and sleeping in the office, and meanwhile,

you're hanging out at dive
bars picking up trash.

I don't like your accusation.

Oh, yeah? Guess what I don't like?

You screwing my husband!

Bree, this is what I was worried about.

You need to leave.

You're kicking me out?
She's the one making a scene,

and a dry batch of cupcakes,
by the looks of it.

Thanks, but I'm not
looking for baking tips

from the town whore.

Don't listen to her, Bree.
She doesn't know who you are.

Actually, Karen...

I think she does.

Now I know you're all anxious to dig in

to the delicious gossip
I've provided for you.

And I could really use a drink.

Yes, in the life of every housewife,

there comes a time for renovation.

She may be doing away with
an unpleasant memory...

breaking up a once happy relationship...

or making the necessary changes
to prepare for a new one.

But no matter how much a housewife

may embrace the way her life is changing,

the people in her neighborhood

may take a different view.

What's the matter?

Maybe we should, uh, go inside.

Or maybe we shouldn't.