Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 1 - Secrets That I Never Want to Know - full transcript

Tom and Lynette still pretend to be spouses for the kids; Susan avoids all contact with the ladies; Bree is confident she can use Detective Chuck as a warning system.

Previously on...

I wanna get things right this time.

Bree's relationship
with detective Vance got serious.

What are we gonna say to people?

Tom and Lynette decided to separate.

We shouldn't tell anyone
until we tell the kids.

Oh, god. The kids.

Sit down. Ow!

Gaby's stepfather returned
to terrorize her again...

I remember those nights in your room, baby.

No! Stop.

Until Carlos stopped him...



What happened?

- I killed him.
- And now he's gonna go to jail

because he was trying to protect me.

Calm down. We just need time to think.

We don't have time.

Yes, there was the dinner party.

Everybody's coming.

Including your boyfriend the detective.

I killed the son of a bitch
who hurt my wife.

If I have to go to prison, I will.

That's not gonna happen.

Every hostess knows

there's work to be done after
the guests leave a party.

And only the best of friends
will stay long after the party's over...

to help clean up the mess.

They help with the heavy lifting...

they work together to lighten the load.

They take on the most unpleasant tasks.

And, of course,
there's no task more unpleasant

than getting rid of an unwanted guest.

I should go move the car off the trail.
You gonna be okay?

Is this happening?

Are we really doing this?

Everyone stay focused.

The hardest part is over.

Now all we have to do is fill this in.

Oh, my god.

I thought I got everything.


No, you missed the phone.

And if you missed that,
what else did you miss?

Susan, it's gonna be okay.

How is it going to be okay?
Someone is calling the dead guy.

- "Home."
- See?

He has a home... with
people who care about him,

people who are going to
come looking for him,

leading them straight to us.

What do you want us to do?

It's not too late. We...

we could still go to the police.

And send my husband back to prison?

This time for murder?

No, not necessarily. It was self-defense.

He broke into your house.
He threatened you. We could explain that.

Yeah, then we can explain how
we dumped him in a trunk,

ate some cheesecake,
and buried him in the woods!

We are going to get caught.
People always get caught.

We can't do this. We're not criminals.
We drive carpool.

That's enough.

This is a very bad man.

He attacked our friend,
and her husband protected her,

and now we are gonna protect them.

That means we tell no one.

Not the police...

not our families.

No one.

When we bury the body,
we bury the secret forever.


Yes, it's only the best of friends

who stay long after the party's over

to help clean up the mess...

Even when that mess may be bigger

than they bargained for.

It has been said that change
doesn't happen overnight,

but over the course of month,

it's amazing how much the ground
can shift beneath us.

A woman who helped conceal a crime

is now sleeping with a detective.

A man who used to look forward to bedtime...

is now finding himself dreading it.

A woman who once told her husband everything

is now keeping a terrible secret.

And a couple who have decided to separate

is now going to great lengths to show

that nothing has changed.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Aah! Son of a...

Hey, hey, hey, guys!

Got up early, so I figured, what the heck?

I'll go get your mom some coffee...
the good stuff.

She deserves it.

She needs it, too.
I didn't sleep last night.

But you would know that. You were there.

Do not drink this.
It's been in my car for three days.

Where are your shoes, dad?

It's casual friday.

Casual thursday.

Come on. We're gonna miss the bus.

See ya later. I'll see ya at dinner.

Love you.

God, I practically lost a toe out there.

It wouldn't have happened
if you hadn't overslept.

Yeah, well, you know,
you took the good alarm clock

along with the good pillow and the house.

This is ridiculous. We have to
tell the kids we've separated.

We will, but this weekend
is Gaby's big barbecue,

and I don't wanna ruin it for them.

Yeah, and last weekend,

you didn't wanna ruin
the basketball tournament.

The weekend before that,
Penny's birthday. Come on, Lynette.

Are you sure this is about the kids?

What else would it be?

No, Tom, nothing's changed.

We still need time away from each other.

Yeah, I agree. We got a lot
of problems to work out,

so why can't we tell the kids?

I just think they deserve
one more happy weekend

before we tear this family apart.

You know what? You're...

Paige is up.


Mmm. Mmm.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you could do this professionally.

Coming from a man
who's on a first-name basis

with half the hookers in Fairview,

that's quite a compliment, detective.

Hey, I was thinking maybe this weekend,

we could head up to that
place in the mountains,

just the two of us.

Oh, that sounds lovely,

but Gaby is having her
annual barbecue on saturday.

Am I invited?

Of course you are. Why wouldn't you be?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because
your friends don't like me.

What? You are imagining things.

It's true.

They don't talk to me.
They don't make eye contact.

It's been that way for weeks,

ever since the night of the dinner party.


Uh, why would you say that?

Bree, I'm a cop.
I got an eye for human behavior.

That was when everything changed.

I just can't figure out why.

I keep going over that night, hour by hour.

Well, stop... going over that night,

because everything is fine.

The girls are just as
crazy about you as I am.

I don't know. I'm not feeling it.


Are you feeling this?

Bree, I know what's going on.

You're trying to distract me with sex,

and if that's the case...


Bring it on.

Wake up! I made you waffles.

Come back when you learn
how to make mimosas.

Come on! I left Celia alone with them.
There won't be any left.

Damn it, Juanita! That's enough!

Get outta here now!


Juanita, honey, I'm sorry!

Why have you been so short-tempered lately?

Gosh, I don't know.

Maybe I'm upset about
my golf swing or the economy...

or maybe it's because I killed a guy.

Look, I get it, okay?

But we have to move on with our lives.

Don't you think I want to?

I just can't stop thinking about this.

No matter what I do,

it's this horrible thing
that is always there.

I need to talk to someone.

I know a guy named Tom Collins.
He's a great listener.

I meant father Dugan.

Okay, are you crazy? You can't tell anyone.

That's too risky.

A priest can't share
what you say in confession.

Are you sure he's not just
gonna make you feel guiltier?

I mean, that's their thing.

Fine. We'll go see the priest.

I have to.

I'm turning into a terrible husband, father.

I need to get this off my conscience.

It's tearing me apart.


What are you doing?

Oh. I was looking out the window,

and I noticed dust in the
corner of each windowpane.

It's been driving me nuts.


What's going on with you?

What do you mean?

Well, there's a lot of weird stuff
you like to do in the bedroom,

but cleaning... not so much.

Couldn't sleep.

Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately.

You don't sleep. You don't eat.

You never leave the house.

That's not true.

I'm substitute teaching today.

And that's great, but...

Did you have a fight with the girls?


Why would you say that?

Well, a month ago,

you were so excited
to move back to the lane,

and now you never see 'em.

There's... no coffee, no poker,

no... bitching about husbands
over coffee and poker.

The girls and I are fine.

Then what is it?

Come on, Susan. It's me.

You can tell me anything.

I'm going for a run.


Well, you said I should
get out of the house more.


So what do we know
about the new guy?

Definitely rich. Check out the car.

Definitely single. Check out the fish.

Rich and single...

I wonder what he looks like.
You rarely get the trifecta.

What's your guess?

Wonky eye? Rabbit teeth? Comb-over?

One normal eyebrow, one really big one?

Baby hands?

I had it all on one guy. Did not end well.

Well, I actually saw our
new neighbor this morning.

Hmm. 6'1". 190.

He was wearing this
great-looking pair of jeans.

And let me just say,

I can tell you one thing that isn't wonky.


Oh, come on. I'm married. I'm not dead.

Can still imagine all
the dirty things I'd do to him.

- Like what?
- Oh, god!

Oh! I didn't know you were...

I'm Susan Delfino.


Nice to meet you.

Ben Faulkner.


Well, I'm actually 6'2",

and I haven't been 190
since I played rugby,

but, uh, thank you.

Uh, and as for the jeans,

you know, I could never figure out

why they would cost 200 bucks. Now I know.

Ladies, excuse me.

- Oh. Okay.
- Thanks.



Look who's out.

Hey, Susan!

Uh, would you like
to join us for coffee?!

Uh, sorry. I can't talk.

I'm subbing today! Can't be late!

Is anyone talking to her?

I tried. She's not returning my calls.

Same here. She's obviously avoiding us.

I'm telling you, that is one loose cannon.

Well, we have got
to get her back in the fold.

This is too risky.

Says the woman
who's dating a cop.

Did it ever occur to you that
it might be good to keep him close?

If there's ever an investigation,

I will be the first to know.

I'm doing this for us.

He's that good in the sack?

You have no idea.

And when you finish your
worksheets on ladybugs,

we will go outside and
see if we can find some.

Susan, how's it going?


It's nice to be back.

To be honest,

I've been feeling a little down lately.

This is just what I needed.

Mrs. Delfino?

Cupcake's not moving.

She's probably sleeping, honey.

No, I poked her with
my pencil a couple times.

She is d-e-a dead.

Uh... it's okay, kids. I know what to do.

Oh, my god. What do I do?

There's a little spot in the garden

where we bury the class pets.

- Bury?
- Yeah.

Have a little funeral. Say a few words.

Just don't mention god.

Amanda's parents are atheists,
lawyers, and major douches.

Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

It's been a while since my last confession.

Continue, my son.

"My son." I'm sorry.

It's just you're, like,
a thousand years older than me.

Who are you and where's father Dugan?

Leaving on sabbatical.
Fun for him and fun for me.

This is my first week of confessions.

It is?

Yeah, and, man, the things I've heard.

There was a lady yesterday who...

No, no, no, I can't say it.

I think I'll come back.

Unh-unh. No. You're not going anywhere.

I told you to wait in the car.

Don't snap at me. That's why we're here.

You keep saying you wanna talk to someone,
so talk to this guy.

He seems perfectly... enthusiastic.

He's 12 years old.
This will blow his collar off.

Oh, man, this must be awesome.

I'm so bummed I can't tweet anymore.

Sorry. If it's not father Dugan,
I'm not doing this.

No... let's go.


I was really hoping
this would be a good one.

I made out with two chicks once in college.

This job rocks!


I don't know if you've ever
buried anything before,

but you have to dig a hole.

Right. Of course.

I knew that.

It's funny the way life works
out sometimes, isn't it?

I mean, I wasn't even
supposed to be here today.

Once again, in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

Now I have to carry this around with me

for the rest of my life.

Don't be sad, Mrs. Delfino.

Cupcake was kind of a bad hamster.

She had three babies and ate them.

But does that mean she deserved to die?

We don't get to make that call, Juanita.

We're not god.

That's right, Amanda. I said it.

What have I done?

It's not your fault.

I know it's not my fault,

but try telling that to Cupcake's family

when they show up looking for her.


We're done.

Now let's all slap on a happy face

and pretend like this never happened.

Can I come in?

I'm really not feeling
like drinking right now.

Great. Mmm.

So... were you two close?


You and Cupcake.

Juanita told me what happened.

I assume you two had a long history,

went to college together,
backpacked through Europe.

It just sort of hit me in a weird way.

I'm worried about you.

First, you stop talking to your friends.

Now you're wigging out at a rat funeral.

You're making me nervous.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not
handling accessory to murder

as well as the rest of you.

Susan, I'm begging you.

This is my husband's
life we're talking about.

If anything were to happen to him,

think of what would
happen to me and my girls.

I know you're having a hard time,

but please hold it together.

I'm trying.

Try harder.


Do I smell...

Yes, white chocolate macadamia nut...
your favorite.


Now you're my favorite. Mwah.


How was your day?

Terrific. I found a dead body.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

You don't wanna hear about this.

No, I do. Your work is fascinating.

So, um, where exactly
did you find this body?

Warehouse out by the docks.

So now I'm a big hero
because I cracked a case

those poor bastards in New haven P.D.

have been working on for months.

Oh, good for you.

Mm. I got lucky.

All I did was spot a sedan
with Connecticut plates,

and I asked myself, "Who owns that car?"

The dead man had a car.

Exactly. The killers did everything right,

but they forgot to get
rid of the victim's ride.

What idiots.


So you kept his keys,

but it never occurred
to you he might have a car.

I just threw all his stuff in our safe.

I didn't spend a lot of
time thinking about it.

There it is.

Drop it off in a bad part of town,

and let social decay... take its course.

Oh, god, do you have to tidy up?

Get in. If anybody catches
us in this car, we're dead.

Oh, no, it's a stick.

I can't drive a stick. Can you?

I did once in high school.

It's easy. Just one extra pedal.


It was easier when I was drunk.

What should I do? Should I gun it?

Gun it? You can't even drive it.

I thought that was you.

- Chuck. Look, Gaby, it's Chuck.
- Mm.

I-I saw you were struggling.

Whose car is this?

- My aunt's.
- My friend's.

Her aunt and my friend.

Aunt Shirley.

She, uh, came over to my place
last night for book club, and...

She had too much to drink.

Classic Shirley.

So we told her we'd bring
her car back today.

- In fact, she's waiting for us, so we should scoot.
- Yeah.

No way.

- I'll drive.
- What?

The way you guys are going,
you're gonna kill someone.

Go, Bob. I'll meet you back at the station.

Oh, no, Bob, Bob, don't go! Bob? Oh.


Okay, a road trip in this neat old car

with your cop boyfriend. Fun.

So where does Shirley live?

Yeah, Bree, where does she live?

Why are you asking me? She's your aunt.

Just keep driving.
I'll tell you when to turn.

Huh. That's interesting.

No, it's not.

I mean... what is?

Oklahoma city redhawks.
Is your aunt a fan?

Oh, yeah, Shirley loves that... uh... sport.

And... men's cologne?

She's a lesbian.

Yeah. She could've been married,
but, no, she's a lesbian.

So, this, um, aunt or... friend,

who's a men's cologne-wearing lesbian...

she also likes to chew tobacco?

'Cause I never met a woman
who likes to chew...


I chew tobacco.

And I'm a woman.



All that's missing is a glass of chardonnay.

I keep telling her to quit.

"Do you want mouth cancer?" I say,

but she won't listen.

You okay?

Yeah. Ugh!

No. Pull over. Now.

Sorry! Shirley likes plain.
I prefer chocolate.


Get out.


I'm taking your car.

Oh, my god. I could kiss you!

What? What are you... Just get out!

Shh! Keep your voice down.

That man over there is a cop.

A cop?

No! Get back in here.

When you start something,
young man, you see it through.

Buckle up!

Hey, what happened?

Shirley. Just happened to be walking by.

Isn't that a stroke of luck?

So do you think your friend
Bob could give us a ride home?

Sure. I'll... I'll call him.

So how's that dating a cop
while covering up a murder

working out for you?

Hey, Renee. Ladies.

Don't distract them.
They have an important job to do.

I'm gonna go see the new neighbor.

You know, give him a ride
on the ol' welcome wagon.

Wow, that was fast.

- I didn't know you two had even talked.
- We haven't.

So what makes you think
he's gonna be interested?

Hear that, ladies? Watch and learn.

I will show you some of my secrets.

Hi. I'm gonna save us some time.

Look, I'm single. You're single.

I'm hot. You're hot.
Assuming you're not gay,

and those shoes tell me you're not,

we could do that thing where
we flirt for a few weeks.

You can stare at my ass getting the mail,

and I do get my mail four times a day.

Or you... could invite me in
for... coffee...

Right now.

Thanks for the offer, but, uh, I'm good.

Um, when I said "coffee,"

you did know I meant sex, right?

Oh, you were subtle, but,
uh, yeah. I got it.

Wow. You should write a book.

Otherwise, when you die,
your secrets will die with you.

Father Dugan!

I'm so glad I caught you.

I don't know if you remember me.

Gabrielle Solis.
I assume you've come to apologize

for taking a phone call
during my easter sermon?

Oh! I'm sorry, father. But, you know,

if you don't confirm those spa
appointments, you lose 'em.


Um, anyway, I came here about Carlos.

He's in trouble, and he needs your help.

Well, I'd love to help Carlos.
He's a good man.

But I'm afraid you're too late.

What? You were the one who
kept blabbing in that sermon

how it's never too late
to confess your sins.

See? I can listen and take calls.

It's true. God waits
until the heart is ready.

But the airlines are a little stricter,

and I'm not going overseas in a middle seat.

So if you'll excuse me.

You getting on, too, miss?

Uh, yes, but I couldn't... manage my bag.

Be a dear and grab it for me?


What are you doing?

Taking you to the airport...

with one quick detour.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it!

Are you crazy? I can't miss my plane.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm trying
to get you to do god's work

instead of going on your
dream vacation to...

Rwanda, where I'll be
digging wells... for lepers.

Well, your little friends
are gonna have to wait.

- Excuse me.
- Whoa.

Well, where did you u me from?

We're headed off on our honeymoon.

And we can't have any detours.

They say you have to get to
the airport three hours early

for international flights.

Oh, honey, relax. Since we caught Bin Laden,

you can stroll on
the plane anytime you want.

It's just, I've done something, father,

And I'm afraid that it's...


God can forgive us for anything.

Really? Anything?


If we're willing to show
that we are truly repentant.


Well, it's not by what we say.

It's by what we do.

For instance, if we were
talking about a crime...

then confessing to the authorities

would prove the intentions of our heart.


is not an option.

There are other people involved...
innocent people.

You can't ask to be absolved

for a sin that you intend to keep hidden.

You should go.

You're gonna miss your flight.

I don't wanna leave you, Carlos,

not till I'm sure that you're gonna be okay.

Father Dugan, I don't see any way

that I am ever going to be okay.



I wish I could make you
stop thinking about this.

Yeah, me, too.

I don't even know what I was looking for.

There is no absolution for this thing.

I just have to live with it.

Every noise I'd hear at night, it was him.

Every dark alley I passed,
he was waiting for me.

When I'd lie in bed,

I was afraid he'd come find me.

He was in my dreams... and in my nightmares.

I couldn't escape him.

And that's what I had to live with...

until now.

For the first time, I'm not scared.

You did that for me.


by taking a man's life.

Yes, you may have taken a life,
but you also saved one.

So if it's absolution you're looking for...

I give it to you.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, is everything okay with the kids?

Yeah, yeah, the...
the kids are fine. I just...

What? Did something happen?

I really... need you right now.




Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Crap, crap, crap.

- Come on. Come on.
- Okay.

- Watch out for the, uh...
- Okay, okay, o...

- Honey. Ooh.
- No, I'm okay. Okay, go.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

They're still asleep.

Thank god.

I'll start the coffee.

Okay, you read my mind.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

So last night...


We should talk about it.


I mean...

If you wanna get back together...

I'm open to that.

But we have some serious problems

that are gonna require serious work.

Oh, god.

Last night...



not about getting back together.

Then what the hell was it about?


I had a nightmare.

Well... a-a nightmare? Are you kidding me?

You've gotta understand.

I'm having a lot of nightmares.

This is such a scary time,
and I really need you.

That's-that's why I didn't
want to tell the kids.

Having you across
the street makes me feel safe.

You're unbelievable.

You know what you do when
you're scared, Lynette?

You buy a night-light.

You don't go have sex with the guy

you are supposed to be separated from!

I want french toast.

- I hate french toast. I want pancakes.
- Oh.


there's something your mom
and I need to tell you.


Why don't we sit down?

Hey, I, uh, I know it's a barbecue,

but isn't that a little casual?

Yeah, um,

I don't think I'm gonna go this year.

Why don't you go without me?

Hey, do I need to be worried?

I told you. I'm fine.

I don't mean worried about you.

I mean worried about us.

I thought this was some problem
between you and your friends, but...

the way you've been shutting me out,

I'm starting to think you've
got a problem with me.

How could you say that?

No matter what I'm going through,

I would never let anything come between us.

Yeah, I'm sure Tom and
Lynette felt the same way.

Look where they ended up.

Well, I'm headed over there without you.

No. I'm going with you.

You're right.

I do have a problem with the girls.

It's about time I went over
there and straightened it out.

No! No way. You are not
bringing Mike in on this.

He's not gonna tell anyone.
We can trust him.

Oh, just like I could trust you

when we agreed to keep this between us?

Susan, we all empathize with your position,

but I don't think it's smart to tell Mike.

Well, he knows something is up.

It's affecting our marriage.

You know what's gonna affect my marriage?

when my husband goes to prison.

I think we should let her tell him.

I can't believe this.

We all made a pact that night.

I don't remember anybody bringing up

These extra conditions.

Well, you weren't exactly asking
anyone's opinion that night,

were you, Bree?

What is that supposed to mean?

It means you elected yourself chairman

of the... dead guy committee

and started making decisions for everyone.

Like you always do.

Well, somebody had to, Susan,

And it sure as hell wasn't gonna be you.

I'm done talking about this.

The only reason I came to this barbecue

was to let you know that I am telling Mike.

The hell you are.


Oh, my god!

Gaby! Gaby!

- Trade Manning?
- What, are you out of your mind?

Think for a minute. When is his
stock ever gonna be higher?

Let me go!

You could get a great player.

Yeah, maybe a great quarterback,
like, I don't know. Manning?

- Ow!
- Get off me!

Girls, people can hear us!

Ow! I told you we couldn't trust her!

I can't see.

Lynette! Aah!

Oh! I got it!

What the hell's going on?

Uh, well...

I... lost my earring,
and the girls here were

kind enough to help me look for it.

Oh! There it is!

I went food shopping yesterday.

I kept having to put things back.

I'd take a couple of cans of peaches.

And then I'd remember that Tom

was the only one who liked them,
put them back.

Sweet pickles... Tom.

Put them back.

I am so sorry.

With everything that's been going on,

I haven't been there for you.

I guess we've all been guilty of that.

I'm sorry, Susan.

This is so damn hard.

You know, the good thing

about Mike and Tom not knowing
is they can't be implicated.

If something were to happen,

at least they'd be okay.

We are never gonna be able to
tell anybody about this, are we?


Are you gonna be able to live with that?

I'm gonna try.

It's only the best of friends

who stay long after the party's over

to help clean up...

To cleanse the pain of
a guilty conscience...

to pick up the pieces...

of a broken marriage...

To sweep away the loneliness
of keeping a secret.


It's good to have friends who
help clean up our messes.

But every housewife knows

that as soon as one mess is taken care of...

another one appears.

And we may find ourselves...

right back where we started.