Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 7 - A Humiliating Business - full transcript

Susan begrudgingly accepts Lynette's offer to be baby Paige's nanny; Bree is embarrassed to tell Keith that she's beginning to go through menopause; Renee makes a tempting job proposition to Lynette; Gabrielle fears that Bob is trying to seduce Carlos after the two strike up a friendship; and Beth begins to question Paul's motives on the lane.

on Desperate Housewives...

- I don't want you to go.
- This will make us enough money

- to get Paul out of our house.
- Mike took a job in alaska.

I'm trying to treat you like a lady.

Bree's new romance got serious.

- So you're saying you like me how I am.
- Very much.

Paul's bride pushed him
to the breaking point.

I want you gone
by the end of the week.

- But she was strongly encouraged...
- Bye, mama.

... to save her marriage.


it's something
we all try to avoid...

whenever possible.

But unfortunately,

there are some days
when we can't help but fall...

flat on our face.

You okay?

I'm fine! Mortified, but...


- What happened?
- I don't know. I was...

thinking about how hot it was,
and I didn't look where I was going.

For a second there, I was wondering
if you fell on purpose.

- On purpose?
- A broken leg

would be a great excuse
to get out of dinner with my parents.

Don't be silly. I'm looking
forward to meeting your parents.

Can we sit for a minute?

The heat is really
starting to get to me.

Really? It's not that hot.

Are you kidding? It feels like...

someone turned on a furnace!

Are you okay?

Have I been pushing you too hard?

I'm having the time of my life.

I just need to rest
for a tiny little...

So what happened?

I'm not exactly sure.

She probably
just overexerted herself.

This is beyond embarrassing.

There's a lemonade stand.
Should I get her something?

Good idea. She might be dehydrated.

This is ridiculous.
I had a bottle of water an hour ago.

And I did not overexert myself.
I happen to be in very good shape.

Your heart rate is a bit elevated.

Well, probably from the stress
of having all these strangers

gawk at me.

My lord.

It's happening again.

Do you see this?
It's like a wave of heat just...

coursing through my body.

What is happening to me?
Am I having a stroke?

you're just having a hot flash.

- A what?
- Yeah, it's no big deal.

We all have to go through
the change sometime.

- Wait, are you saying...
- Yep, you've started menopause.


So did we figure out what was wrong?

It's something we all try to avoid.

- It's no big deal. She just had...
- Indigestion.

I never should've
let you buy me that hot dog.

Especially women who date...

younger men.

It was morning in suburbia.

A time for women to attend
to their husbands' needs.

And while Tom Scavo's wife
was setting out the sports section,

and Carlos Solis' wife
was removing lint from his suit...

and Roy Bender's wife
was cleaning his dentures...

Paul Young's wife was resting

because she had already attended
to her husband's needs...

all night long.

Thank you.

For what?

For the most amazing night.

So I didn't disappoint you?

- Are you kidding?
- I'm so glad.

I must say,

for a virgin,
you were certainly open-minded.

My whole life,
I heard people talk about sex.

They always made
such a big deal about it.

And don't get me wrong,

it was very interesting.

But lying here quietly...

this is my favorite part.

It's wonderful, isn't it?

So would you like to do it again?

I hear that men like sex
in the morning.

I must say,

so far, your research is flawless.

- Beth, I'm gonna need a rain check.
- Why?

I have business to attend to.

Who is that man?

Derek Yeager,

my cellmate from prison.

So have you thought about my offer?

I have.

I actually think starting
an interior design business is...


Interesting? It's genius.

You know
what an artistic eye I have.

My God. Are you doing
what I think you're doing?

If you think I'm trying to stuff
my boob in my daughter's mouth,

then yes.

It's so unnatural.


What do you say?

I will woo the clients,
be the face of the company,

while you do
all the business-y stuff.

It would be nice to be my own boss.

Okay. I'm in.

And if we work out of your place,
I can bring the baby with me.

Well, that won't work.

Everything at my place
is metal and sharp.

No, it isn't.

Well, then I'll have
metal and sharp things brought in.

- No babies in my house.
- Well, then we'll have to work here.

Yeah, right.

Potentiel clients will be so impress
when they walk into this...

tipped-over hamper.
Get a nanny.

I've been trying.

- It's not that easy.
- Well, then I'll find someone.

There's gotta be some
poor schlub out there who's

trustworthy and desperate for money.

- I don't like this kind.
- Honey, it's cheaper.

But it doesn't have a prize.

The prize that comes with this cereal
is we can afford the milk.

Okay, that's $61.48.

Even with all the coupons?


Nothing in there.

Let me see
if I can put something back.

My fabric doesn't
have to be that soft.

Meat is murder, right?

Okay, you know, just put $20 on this
and I'll pay the rest in cash.

Care to donate
a dollar to St. Matthew's kids?

- What?
- It's for poor people.

You give a dollar, I ring the bell,
everyone knows you donated.

Has that piercing
affected your sight?

I'm counting pennies here.

Lady, we're supposed to ask everyone.
Calm down.

"Calm down"?

I can't afford to buy my kid
the cereal he likes.

He's gotta eat this cardboard crap.

Nickel in the swear jar!

And that used to be
a quarter in the swear jar.

We've even had to mark down
our swears.

So don't talk to me about the poor
'cause I am the poor!

Where's my little jar
at the checkout stand?!

There is none!

Don't feel bad.
She screamed at our dry cleaners, too.

Your burnt the meat loaf again?

Just a little a ttle crispy.
It'll be fine.

And what's with the candles
and the good china?

Is it our anniversary?

Why are you hitting me?

Because you don't listen to me.

I told you last night
Bob was coming for dinner.


- What was that for?
- Not knowing when our anniversary is.

When is it?

I don't have time for this!
Bob's gonna be here any second.

Do I have to eat with you guys?

Bob and I have nothing in common.

I'm sorry he's not all...
"See the game last night?

Check out the jugs on her.
Hey, pull my finger!"

I did that one time.

At my cousin's funeral!

You're right.

I am unfit to socialize
with your classy gay boyfriend.

I should be forced to eat by myself,
in front of the game.

You are having dinner with Bob,
and that is all there is to it!

For God sakes, he helped us
find our biological daughter.

We owe him more
than we can ever repay.

Then shouldn't we take him out
for a nice meal

instead of forcing him to eat
that briquette you call meat loaf?

- I hope the pot roast isn't too dry.
- It's good.

He's an ex-con. He's just happy
there's no ground glass in it.

It must be nice for you two
to see each other again.

- How long were you roommates?
- Cellmates.

Yeager and I spent two years together.
We kind of looked out for each other.

That's lovely.

If I may ask, Yeager,

what were you...

I believe the phrase is "in for"?

Well, you know,

sometimes when people steal stuff...

they give it to another guy
who sells it for 'em.

- A "fence."
- Right.

I killed a fence.

Well, how about that?

We may wanna keep
that story to ourselves.

The people would be unsettled

to learn that their new neighbor
was a convicted murderer.


Yeager's gonna be staying
at my old house for a while.

- He's doing a little work for me.
- What kind of work?

- It's nothing you need to worry about.
- I'm not. I just wanna know.


I'm not trying to exclude you.
I'm trying to protect you.

From what?

Let's enjoy our dinner.
We have a guest.

And this was Grace at Halloween.

- She's beautiful, Gaby.
- And so sweet.

Getting to know her
has been such a blessing.

Carlos and I will never be able
to thank you enough.

I just made some calls.

No, you did more than that.
You changed our lives.

We wanted to give you these
as token of our appreciation.

Orchestra seats

to Cats.

What's wrong?
I thought you love musicals.

That was Lee.
He was the show queen.

When I found out
he saw Annie six times,

even I wanted to gay bash him.

I wanna get you tickets to something.
Do you like the opera?

Figure skating?

Beauty pageants?



Ever think the reason Lee
broke up with you

is you're not gay?

Give me a beer
and a college basketball game,

I'm happy.

You're kidding.
Who you like this year?

Duke's got most of its starters
coming back this year...

You kiss boys with that mouth?

I get basketball tickets
all the time.

- You wanna go to a game this week?
- Are you serious?

I'm in. There's a game on tonight.
Maybe after dessert, we can...

What's wrong?

I thought I knew you.

Now all of a sudden,
you're talkin' beer and basketball?

It's like you're not...

A tired gay stereotype?

Exactly. It's very upsetting.

Let us watch the game.

During halftime, I'll come back in,
tell you how great you look

in your Dolce & Gabbana.


Just go.
I can't even look at you right now.

Menopause? You're not old enough.

More importantly, I'm not old enough
to have friend going through menopause.

This has completely blindsided me.

These last few weeks being with Keith,
I have felt so alive.

Even when I was young,
I didn't feel this young.

- But now...
- I hate to spoil the announcement

of your death sentence,
but life does go on.

And there is an upside.

I'd love to skip those 3 days a month
when I'm cranky and irritable.

Just 3 days?

This couldn't have
come at a worse time.

It'll be the end
of my relationship with Keith.

- Why do you say that?
- Here's why...

"Check out my girlfriend
with the pit stains and estrogen patch."

Now he'll be looking
for some fresh young thing

who doesn't retain water
and can still bear him children.

So why tell him?

I have to.
We're in a relationship.

Where'd you get that?
The big book of staying single?

There is no reason you have to tell
your boyfriend the absolute truth.

- We lie to men all the time.
- I don't.

Please. You're telling me
you never pretended you like football?

Or laughed at a three stooges movie?

Or faked an orgasm
just to make him stop?

Just for the record,

I love football,
stooges are damn funny,

and I've never asked a man to stop.


Renee Perry here.

Listen, Lynette and I are starting
a fabulous interior design business.

Anyway, I hear you've got
some time on your hands,

and we could really use your help.

The pay's good,
and the hours are flexible.

Now we're at Lynette's
if you're interested.

What just happened?

Your mommy just got a job
as an interior designer!

I came over as soon
as I got Renee's message.

I would love to help you guys out.

I told her about the job.

Why not?

She's obviously flat broke.

No one lives downwind
from a pet store by choice.

It's true. I need to work.

you're more than qualified,

but are you sure it won't be weird?
We're friends.

I think that's a plus.

I just wanna make sure...

For God sake,
the woman wants to be your nanny.

Hire her.

Excuse me for not wanting to ruin

one of my closest friendships.

You didn't worry that working together
would ruin ours.

Go figure.

If you're cool with this,
I would love you to start right away.

What do you think?

I think my dear friend

just offered me a job.

How could I say no?

I'm Dr. Wagner.

- I usually see Dr. Shapiro.
- She's on maternity leave.

There's some salt in the wound.

So I see you're here
to talk about menopause.

And frankly, you're in luck.

In addition to being
a gynecologist for 20 years,

I am going through the change

Is it awful?

The way I look at it,

we've earned this.

It's like getting a watch
when you retire from a job well done.

I suppose, but still, I was hoping

you could give me something
to mask the symptoms.

I'm recently divorced,
and I'm dating someone

who is significantly
younger than me.

I understand.

And might I add, check you out!

I must say,

I highly recommend
the younger man experience.

The stamina
can be quite invigorating.

I've heard tell.

And in the interest of keeping
this going as long as possible,

I am prepared to lie.

So do you think

you can help me
put menopause on pause?

I think so.

We have a duty
as woman of a certain age

to keep this sizzling
relationship going.

So let's talk about some therapies.

I was in the neighborhood and thought,
you know who I haven't seen lately?

I'd love to catch up,
but it's 11:00.

I was about to go to...

So how are things? Love the highlights.
You totally make those shoes work.

They're slippers.

So that was fun.

Talked to Bob lately?
Anything new going on with Bob?

I don't think so.

Don't cover for him.
He's seeing someone.

What makes you say that?

Jason told Hunter
who told Sergio who told me

that Bob has been seen out three times
with some hunky latino.

Bob's not seeing anyone.

Fine. Then I will go tell Hunter
to tell Sergio to tell Jason

that he's a liar.

The hunky latino is Carlos.

They have been hanging out.


So you have nothing to worry about.

That means we both have
something to worry about.

I hate to break it to you,

but Bob's always had
a major crush on Carlos.


I hate to break it to Bob,
but Carlos is as straight as they come.

So was Bob's college roommate

and his thesis advisor
and his basketball coach!

That's why he likes basketball.

Bob's college nickname was Flipper,

and it wasn't because
of his dolphin tattoo.

This is crazy.

Bob isn't going to flip Carlos.

Let me tell you his game.
First, he takes them out drinking.

Then he gets them really hammered.

Then, when their defenses are down,
he flips 'em.

Not literally...
Actually, sometimes literally.

I think I know my husband.

He's not passing up
these chimichangas

for a plate of franks and beans.

I don't know what that means,
but you just ruined Mexican food for me.

My God.
I can't let Bob see me like this.

- Use the back door.
- I always do.

Where you guys been?
The game ended hours ago.

We went out to a bar.

He kept buying me drinks.
I'm so hammered.

So I've come up with a marketing plan
and a billing structure.

And I filed for a license with the city
to get a discount with our suppliers.

Are you listening to me?

I'm sorry. That was so dull,
I actually started to dream.

- How's it going?
- Fine. Paige is asleep.

That quickly?

What's your secret? Whiskey?
I'm not judging, I just wanna know.

No, just rocked her.

Have you heard from Mike?
How's Alaska?

He's fine.
Thanks for asking.

Did you guys know
that the state of Rhode Island

can fit into Alaska 424 times?

Read that once on a cup.
Never forgot it.

When we're wooing clients,
let me do the talking.

So, since I'm not busy,
where do you keep your dirty laundry?

Honey, you don't have
to do the laundry.

Sit down.
I'll open some wine.

No, thanks, I'm on the clock.
I'd rather get work done.

If you're looking for something to do,
I'd love some more iced tea.

Renee, that is not her job.

That is her job.

Susan, I didn't mean you needed...

You're right.
This is my job.

I don't know what to do.

He won't tell me why he's trying
to buy all these houses.

And now he's got a murderer
moving into one of them.

Hold on.

I've got an idea.

Hello there.

Paul went to the store.

Will he be gone for a while?

It sure is a mess in here.

Can't help but wonder
what you boys are up to.

You wanna know what's going on?
Talk to your husband.

You saw me. I tried.

He's keeping me in the dark
for some reason.

That's between you and him.

You want to keep his confidence.

I get that.

But, please...
I'm just so worried.

I'm not comfortable
with you gettin' this close.


You're a parolee.

You can't afford
to get in any trouble, can you?

That's right.

If you got accused of a crime,

they might lock you up for good.

What are you doing?

When I tell people you attacked me,
I want it to look realistic.

I never hurt a woman in my life!

You think the police
are gonna care about that?

You're a convicted felon.

You can't be doing this.
I already got two strikes.

I don't like to be unpleasant,
Mr. Yeager.

Really, I don't.

But I am going to find out
what my husband is up to,

one way

or the other.

We have to take the girls
shoe shopping this weekend.

- What's better, Saturday or Sunday?
- Neither. I'm going to Rancho Pines.

Are you're gonna play golf?
This sounds like fun.

Bob invited me.

- You're going with Bob?
- He got us a suite at the Lodge.

So this is a sleepover?

Well, it's a 6:00 AM tee time.
Bob says that'll be a lot easier.

I bet he did.

But why not get your own room?

Bob got the last one available.

You're trustin' Bob left and right?

What do you mean?

I'm just surprised, that's all.

One week, we hate the gays.
Next week, we let 'em watch us shower.

It's kinda kooky?

What the hell are you talking about?

Open your eyes!
This trip is not about golf for Bob.

It is about... seduction!


That's great, I was actually planning
on turning gay this weekend.

Don't joke like that.
Can't you tell I'm upset?

I can, but I don't know why.

Even if Bob wanted to seduce me,
do you think I'd go along with it?

- Then why does this bother you so much?
- I don't know! It just does!


I won't go.


Thank you.

I certainly wouldn't want to do anything
that makes you think I'm gay.

In that case, ditch the moisturizer.

I really hope your parents like me.

I already laid the groundwork.
I told them you were smart and beautiful

and a terrific cook.
Thank you.

What did they say
about the age difference?

- Nothing. I didn't tell them.
- What? Why?

Because you look so fantastic...
I don't even think they're gonna notice.

But I don't want them to think
we're trying to put one over on them.

Dad, mom, I'd like you to meet Bree.

Well, hi.
I'm Richard.

This is my wife Mary.

Check you out.

Keith tells us
you're a professional chef.

I was.
Now I just cook for fun.

I'm retired from the army.

So as long as it doesn't come in a can,
it tastes good to me.

A military man. You must have
some fascinating stories.

Mary's the one with the stories.

Guess what she does for a living.

Yes, take a wild guess.

She's a doctor.

As matter of fact,

I have a brand-new,
incredible work story.

Would you like to hear it?

No, because I realize that as a doctor,
you're prevented ethically

from talking about your... patients.

Depends how drunk I am.

So the army...

Can I just thank you
for keeping our country safe?

Let's talk about you.

I don't know if you realize this,
but you are the first girlfriend

that Keith
has introduced to us to...

So you must be very special.

Yes. Keith, it seems serious.

Is Bree the one who's gonna be giving me
my grandchildren?

Ignore Mary.

No, ignore Mary.
Grandchildren are her big thing.

No, I think that when you reach
this point in a relationship,

- you should talk about it.
- There's plenty of time for that.

No, not as much as you may think.


Stop it.

I think you're embarrassing Bree.

No, I'm fine.
It's just a little... warm in here.

Are you sure?

This is exactly what happened to you
at the park the other day.

Could you take a look at her?

Of course.

Why don't you tell me your symptoms?

Honestly, it's nothing.

I just get a little warm sometimes.

Would you say that the sensation
comes on suddenly, like a...

like a flash of hotness?

Not at all.

Let's just... drop it.

Well, you seem so irritated.
Before, you were so pleasant.

Would you say that your moods
swing suddenly like this?

What are you doing?
Stop badgering.

I'm not badgering.
I'm simply asking her to tell the truth.

Is that something that's also difficult
for you these days, Bree?

Telling the truth?

For God sake!

I am going through menopause.

That is what Dr. Wagner
is so delicately trying to say.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I an going to the kitchen

to ask them if I can stand
in their walk-in freezer!

Guess what else?

That's not
her real hair color either.

Okay, sorry.

We should get going, Barbara.
We have a 7:00 reservation.

And we have
a whole presentation for you

after dessert.

I don't know if I can wait that long.
Can I have a sneak peek?


This is for your daughter's room.

We were thinking
all the furniture in an antique white,

and, pale rose for the walls.

It's both elegant and feminine.

You don't feel it might be
a little old for her?

She's only 7.

No, trust me.

This color works for all ages.

It's a classic look.

Or, just an idea, but maybe
you could do something more playful.

I painted the characters from
the knights of the round table

in my son's room, and he loved it.

And maybe you daughter
has a favorite character

from a movie or a book?

I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
I'm Barbara Fine.

This is Susan Delfino.

The nanny.

Well, Susan, it's a great idea.

I'll call my daughter

and see if there are any characters
that she'd love to see on her wall.

You should show her your other sketches.
She's good.

What the hell was that?

It was just a thought.
I think she liked it.

I don't care!
You made us look like idiots.

That wasn't my intention.

Regardless, I do not appreciate
being upstaged

by the woman who does the dishes.

She had no right
to talk to you like that...

I crossed the line.

Okay, done.
You ready to go?

Bob, can I borrow a couple of eggs?

What the hell was that about?

Your husband canceled our golf trip.

Did he?

He said you think
I'm planning to seduce him.

We should talk about that...

- After I get the eggs.
- Why would you even go there?

I know about your history, Bob...

Or should I say "flipper"?

Lee's a fine one to talk.

Did he tell you about the summer
he stalked Ryan Seacrest?

I don't want to fight about this.

How could you think that, Gaby?
You know me.

No, I don't!

I thought I did.

I thought you were a fun gay guy
who I had something in common with,

and then I find out you're into sports
and spending time with my husband.

- What the hell was that about?
- It's about me being lonely!

You ever see anybody coming
around here to visit me?

You ever see me going out
on a saturday night?

Ever since Lee left, all I do is work
and come home to an empty house.

I was so happy
to get your invitation to dinner.

And when Carlos wanted to hang out,
I thought, this is great.

I got a social life again.

Now to find out
you thought I had an agenda?

- Bob. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- Well...

Now you do.

Let me get those eggs for you.

Carlos can go on the weekend.



And if you ever do feel the need
to flip a straight guy on the lane.

I'd start with Tom Scavo.

I always felt
he was three beers away.


How was your meeting?


Barbara's going to hire us.
We're officially a design firm.

That's great.

Can I ask you sosomething?

Are you upset with this arrangement?

Because I'm getting a vibe.

I should go.

You are out of diapers.

I'll pick some up tomorrow.

Susan, please. I need to know.
Are you angry with me?

Yes. Yes, I'm angry.

Why? All I did was give you a job.

Yeah, the wrong job.

When Renee called me,
I thought you were asking me

to work with you in the design firm.

I was so excited.
I knew I'd be good at that.

And then I find out
you just want me to be your nanny.

I had no idea.

But you know,
and don't get me wrong, I...

love you for the gesture,
but I hate you for it, too,

because I'm not
in the position to say no.

I am beyond sorry.

It's okay.

It's just this awful reminder
that all of my friends

look at my differently now.
I'm the poor one.

These money troubles,
they're temporary,

but how we feel about you,
our friendship,

that's never going to change.

Thank you for that.

Come here.

You know, I've never said
this to a nanny before...

How about we go downstairs
and get a little drunk?

Well, you're the boss.

Are you coming to bed?

I wanna make love again.

With an invitation like that...

Let me.

You've turned out to be
the perfect wife.

That's sweet,

but not entirely true.

You don't think I'm trustworthy.


You won't tell me why you're moving
your ex-cellmate into your old house.

Darling, I'd prefer not to discuss
that right now.

We don't need to.

Yeager already told me
what you're up to.


We had a nice long chat.

He told me what you've got planned
for our neighbors.

I must say,

I was shocked...

To say the least.

I know what I'm doing
might sound crazy to you,

but you don't understand
how much I despise these people.

You don't understand how much I need

these people to suffer
for what they did to me.

That's where you're wrong, Paul.

I understand vengeance.


You really are the perfect wife.

I'm sorry I left the restaurant
like that.

I just couldn't go back to that table
and face your mother.

So why didn't you tell me
about the whole menopause thing?

I was afraid of how you'd react.

You really think I would care
about something like that?

I like you...

more than I ever intended to.

I always knew there was
an expiration date on this relationship.


You are 17 years younger than me.

That's a big number.
It means something.

Not to me.

It might.

There are other considerations.

So you can't get pregnant.

Who cares?

That doesn't bother you?

We could adopt.

So long as I get to teach someone how
to throw a ball,

I don't care whose DNA they got.

Not only can I not have children...

I don't want them.

I've already done that.
It was

wonderful, but I've done it.

And you...

You are gonna be such an amazing father,
and I

would never ask you
to give up that experience.

Why are we even talking about this?

We've been dating for two months.

It's too soon to talk about kids,

I suppose.

Let's take our time.
I just wanna...

I just want us to keep being happy,

I was just about to head over
to your place to pick up Carlos.

About that... I've decided Carlos
shouldn't go with you this weekend.


For God sake.

Wait! Let me finish!

I've been thinking
about what you told me,

and I realized there's somebody else
you'd have more fun with.

Yeah, go.

You've gotta be kidding me!

Gaby called to say
that you were lonely and depressed,

and once I stopped laughing,
I actually felt bad for you.

We only broke up four months ago.
How did you gain this much weight?

now that we're done saying hello,

let's talk about
this fabulous weekend.

Did you seriously think
I would take him? We broke up!

And it's time to put the pieces
back together.

Let's be honest.
You've been miserable without Lee.

And you've been miserable without Bob.
That's why you're gettin' so fat.

You may not think I'm your friend,
but I am,

and I am smart enough to know that
you need something more in your life

than a straight guy
to go play golf with.

You need somebody to love.


You need somebody
who will love you back.

Gaby, I appreciate what you're doing,
and I think...

Lee knows I still love him.


There are still huge issues
between us.

Maybe it's time to work those out.

I'd hate to see that fabulous resort
weekend go to waste.

Come on.
Talk to each other.

Do it for me, as your friend.

I forgot. One more thing...

Never mind. I'm good.


It's not always something
we can avoid.

We may have wives

who insult our masculinity.

We may take jobs...

We feel are beneath us.

We may have boyfriends

who make us feel old.


there are all sorts of ways
to be humiliated in life.

But the surest way
to get your dignity back

is to get
what you've been waiting for.

I found out what Paul is up to.

He told me everything.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, mama.