Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 5 - Let Me Entertain You - full transcript

Susan's days as a sexy internet sensation may be coming to an end after she angers an important client and incurs the wrath of her boss, Maxine; Renee and Gabrielle are headed for a smackdown after each of them reveals an intimate secret about the other to the wrong people; Bree finds herself exhausted by younger lover Keith's sexual stamina; Lynette is angry with Tom after he asks his mother to become the baby's nanny without talking it over with her first; and housewife Emma Graham puts on a cabaret show -- with the aid of saxophonist Dave Koz -- with surprising results.

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Bree's affair with her contractor
broke new ground.

Perhaps I could make you dinner?

Like a date?

I can't wait until I grow up
so I can have beautiful things.

Gabby doted on
her biological daughter, Grace.

Look who's missing her big sister.

Lynette had too much on her hands.

Get me a nanny.

Susan found that
keeping her new job a secret...

My partners are not gonna
eat the cost.


... was going to be expensive.

But her secret
had already been discovered.

Emma Graham
was an ordinary woman.

And like most ordinary women,
she had an extraordinary dream.

She wanted her husband to know
she was more than just a wife.

She wanted her daughter to know
she was more than just a mother.

She wanted her neighbors to know

she was more than just the woman
who lived next door.

So Emma made a decision
to turn her dream into reality.

I want to do a cabaret show.

I'll need a band, orchestrations,
and sound equipment.

And you're going to pay
for all of it.

And that is how Emma Graham's
friends and neighbors

came to gather at the
Smokehouse Lounge two weeks later.


They would soon learn Emma Graham
wasrt so ordinary after all.


Yes, Emma's dream of sharing
her talent had finally come true.

Unfortunately, the high note
that ended the evening...


Did not come from Emma.

I'm going to kill you!

You whore!

Get off me.

Okay, ladies, please.


Oh, my nose.

My nose. My nose. Oh!

MARY ALICE: She knew
what she was doing was wrong.

She knew it was very dangerous.

She knew the risks
if people found out.

But Susan Delfino was determined
to get back to Wisteria Lane

and that is how
her world began to fall apart.

Hi, I'm Tanya.

Thank you for choosing
to spend time with me.

I'm all yours for the next hour.

Now how about we start by getting to
know each other a little better?

Show me yourjugs.


Arert you a frisky little...


I see some dirt
under the coffee table.

Would you like me to vacuum?


Right after you take out those tots
and shake 'em.

Okay. Slow down.

We've got...

Fifty-nine more minutes together.


isn't it sexier to warm each other up

with some naughty talk first?

I have to listen to my old lady's
blah-blah-blah all day long.

Lose the top
so I can see those money-makers.

What are you,
reading from a boob thesaurus?

Come on,

isn't there some romantic
fantasy you'd like to share with me?


Are you lactating?

Oh! Pig!

You never do that.
You never pull the plug on a session.

The guy was a total perv.

Who clearly had
serious mother issues.

You cost us a major client.

And God forbid
he starts talking about this at work.

We could lose the whole city council.

I'm sorry. I lost my nerve.

Susan, I can't keep giving you
chances like this.



Oh, you want a private session
with Tanya?

I'm sorry,
that's not going to happen.

She doesn't work for me anymore.

Once again, I am so sorry.

I forgot that French restaurant
was so formal.

Next time I will pick a place
with fewer forks.

Yeah, thanks again
for helping me out with that.

Well, I had a lot of fun.

Good night.


did you really have a lot of fun?


Why do you ask?

Well, because it's our third date

and you just kissed me like you were
saying good night to your aunt.

I'm trying to treat you like a lady.

Oh, that's sweet.

Now, knock it off.

Three times?

In one night.

Oh, my God.
Three times was my entire September.

I just had the nicest chat
with Grace.

She said the cutest thing...

Bree had sex three times last night.

Oh, screw my story. Tell me everything.


The sex was amazing.

It was like... How to describe it?


An opera.

You fell asleep during it?

I'm telling you. Making love
to a man in his thirties,

it's like the sun shines brighter,
the grass looks greener,

food tastes better...

Okay, we get it.
You had sex three times.


Oh! Hey, look, Renee's back
from New York.

Oh, God. You invited her?

What, now you don't like Renee?

I know she's your friend,

but isn't she kind of
a self-absorbed, narcissistic diva?

Good point.
We already have one of those.

Drop the drugstore champagne, ladies,
and make way for the real stuff.

We are celebrating!

What's the occasion?

My divorce settlement.
I just soaked my ex for...

Well, a whole lot of these.

I thought there was a pre-nup.

Yup, there was.

But no pre-nup is a match

for the legal team of Grind'em,
Screw'em, and Rothenberg.

- That was iced tea.
- Well, I just made it fun.

Now, I want to have you all over
for dinner tonight.

I've got two more cases of champagne,
a truck-load of caviar,

and a pile of money
to roll around naked in.

What do you say?

If there's more of this,
I am definitely there.

Great. How about you, Bree?

I wish I could, but I have a date.
I need to carbo-load.

I've got to pass, too.
We still haven't found a nanny,

and so Tom's working late,
so I have to...

Yawn. Susan?

I would, but it's macaroni and coupon
clipping night at my house.

Yawn and sad.

Well, I guess it's just you and me.

"Gabs and Nee."

That is great.

We were just talking about
how much you two have in common.

Werert we, Gabs?

Thanks so much.
Your baby's really cute.

It was nice meeting you.
We'll let you know.


Well, any luck finding a nanny?

No. I've interviewed eight girls,

they were all either
too inexperienced or too expensive.


What about the one with the boobs?

And that's why we're not hiring her.

Well, don't give up yet.

Because I found us
one more applicant.

You did? You took the initiative?

Why you so surprised?

Our Christmas lights are still up
from last year.


And not only is she punctual,
she's early.

Who is it?

Let me put it this way, Lynette.

Remember how
you always used to hate yams?

But then you gave them a second
chance, and they werert so bad.

And over time you realized,
"I like yams. Yams are great."

Well, sometimes, Lynette,
people are like yams.

What did you do?


Are you insane?

I was talking to her last night,

I mentioned we might need help
and she volunteered.


You get it.



Why couldn't she have been a yam?

Okay. So this Tina,

was that the first time
he cheated on you?

Ah, I don't know. You hear stories...

There was this thing
during the All-Star game.

Pictures of Doug in the tabloids
with a cocktail waitress.

But then he came back
with a Bulgari bracelet,

so we never talked about it.

God, being married to a pro athlete.
It must be a nightmare.

Well, sounds like
you're well rid of him.

You know,
I feel like you get me, Gabby.

And you know why?

Because we're both
extremely beautiful.

God bless you
for having the courage to say that.

Only someone who looks like us

can understand
what a burden it can be.

Actually, it's pretty awesome.


You know, sometimes
I drive fast on purpose

just to see if I can
flirt my way out of the ticket.

Amateur hour.

I got a bank manager
to shave a point off our mortgage

by bending over to pick up a pencil.

To this day Carlos calls it
my million-dollar ass.

Wait, I can top that.

Yesterday, these babies earned me
a cool $8 million.

What do you mean?

Well, I wore a low-cut dress
to my settlement hearing.

And afterwards, Doug's lawyer
came to my hotel to renegotiate.

You slept with him? You're awful.

I know.

Oh, I shouldn't have told you that.

Keep it to yourself.

Honey, I won't tell anyone.


I don't know you well enough.

You've got to give me
some dirt on you.


I can't think of anything.


Nothing like, say, plastic surgery?


Honey, a scalpel
has never touched this body.

Maybe not the body,
but that nose is a Dr. Brotski.

I'd know his work anywhere.

How dare you! I am insulted!

Okay, fine. I was 19.
It was just a little bump.

(LAUGHS) That's what they all say.

Did you have a deviated septum, too?

Don't tell anyone.

Carlos knows,

but if the girls find out,
I'd never hear the end of it.

Of course, you can trust me.

I'm beautiful.

That's true.

Good morning.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Still not speaking to you.

All right.

Your breakfast will be
ready in a minute.

You want coffee. I'll get it.

Your scrambled eggs are ready.

Oh, Mom, I was hoping
for your French toast.

She made you eggs, Tom. Eat them.

No, it's no problem.

You read your paper
and I'll fix it right up, Rodney.

Tommy, Mom.

Oh, didn't I say that?

Oh, it's just that you look so much
like your father.


Oh, gosh. What now?

Let me get her,
it's what I'm here for.

Would you look at that?
My mother is on top of it.

And you get to sit and have coffee

with the man
that you kicked three times

"in your sleep" last night.

Look, I can take your mother
in small doses,

but her living here, every day...

I never got what this thing is
you have with her.

You say you love her, she's great
with the kids. What's your beef?

You really want to know what it is?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I can't stand the person
she turns you into.

You become this Neanderthal

while she's tripping
over her apron strings to serve you.

So she likes to dote on me
and I don't mind the attention,

what's the big deal?

False alarm.

She's fine.

Thank you.

And by the way...

- More coffee.
- Yes.

Right away.

Just know if you ever
hold your coffee cup up to me,

you will be tapping it with a stump.

Mike! I was going to call you.

I was talking to Paul Young.

He and the new missus
are really enjoying the house.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

And Paul was wondering if you would
be interested in selling the place.

He's willing to make
a very generous offer.

Lee, I never kicked your ass
for renting our house to that guy

'cause you didn't know our history.

But now you do.

So I've got to wonder,
are you an idiot?

I'm sorry. Paul wanted me to ask.

Susan and I are working really hard
to save money.

You tell Paul
that the day his lease is up,

we're moving home.



Hey, it's me. I just ran into Mike.

Did you ask him about the house?

Yeah. He wasrt interested.

Did you tell him I'm willing to pay
above market value?

I could have,
but I didn't want to get punched.

You disappoint me, Lee.

There are other houses, Paul.

No, I need this one.

Fortunately, I have another way
to handle this.

Your deposit should clear Monday.
And this will be your balance.

Wait, this isn't right.

We should have
a lot more money in here.

Yes, the silver bracelet
that you cleaned last year

that belonged to my grandmother.

What do you think it's won'th?

Okay. Yeah, I'll come by tomorrow.


- Hey.
- Hi.

Here's that gold necklace
you lent me.

What do you need it for?
You guys going on a fancy date?

No, I just...

I just needed it back.

You okay?


You want to talk about something?

I can't.

- Oh! Oh!

Um, I'm gonna find you a tissue.

Susan, I was just at the bank.

We're missing $9,000
from our checking account.

You went to the bank?

MIKE: What the hell is going on?
Did you take that money out?



Susan, what happened to that money?

She lent it to me.

We had some bills from Paige's birth
that werert covered by insurance,

and Susan very kindly
offered to help us out.

That's right.

And she's going to pay it back by...
By Friday.

With interest.

Or not.

Because... I mean, we're friends.
So, why would you charge us interest?

I gotta get back to work.

In case any of our other friends
need money.


Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

Anything you want to tell me?


But promise you won't yell.

You did porn on the Internet?

No, it was just cleaning.
In lingerie.

I was never naked. There was no sex.

Well, unless the guys were watching
for cleaning tips, it's porn.

Susan, how could you do this?

Look, I feel bad enough already.

Well, you should.
What if Mike finds out? Or your kids?

Hey! It is really easy for you
to come down here

from your five-bedroom house
in the suburbs and criticize me.

I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore.

Look at what Mike and I
are trying to climb out of.

We can't even afford hot lunches
for MJ at school.

So just think about that
the next time you want to judge me.

Okay. Done judging.

Back to being a friend.

I'm sorry you had to do that.

Me, too.


Doug, what are you doing here?

I had to see you.

Well, I'd invite you in,
but it's late and I hate you.

Baby, I flew all this way.
At least hear me out.

If it's about the settlement,
you're wasting your breath.

I miss you.

Well, how does Tina feel about that?

That was a stupid mistake,
and it's over.

I know I screwed up.

Big this time.
But give me another chance.


I'm sorry, Doug,
but I'm actually happy here.

I'm getting a fresh start
and making new friends.

Come on, you can't be happy
here in Mayberry.

You were made for Manattan.

By the way, Can'tier called.

They miss you, too.

Oh, Doug, don't do this to me.

Think about everything
we had together.

I want it back.

Don't you?

Oh, I can't stop thinking
about that play.

What do you think
the angel represented

when he flew down
in the middle of the night?

I don't know.
I was too busy looking for the wires.

So, are you in the mood
for some dessert?


I think the angel symbolized hope.

Or a second chance
at redemption, perhaps.

Of course, another interpretation,
I suppose, could be...

Oh, my!

When you said dessert,
I just assumed...

Well, there's no two ways
to interpret that.


That was incredible.
Where did you learn to do that?

And why the hell am I asking?
Don't tell me.

Let's just say you inspire me.


Well, that'll teach me to let you
walk behind me up the stairs.


What is that?

I guess inspiration struck again.


Please tell me
you're here to stab me.



Come on in.

What's that?


Arert they supposed to be sliced
and peeled?

I'm too tired.

(GASPS) Please get that away from me.

I guess someone
was with Keith last night.

Were you once, twice, three times
not a lady?

It's not funny.
Six hours, we had sex.

I feel like the Holland Tunnel.

Honey, why don't you just tell him
you need a little break?

Because he's young.

If I turn down a roll in the hay,
he's gonna think I'm an old woman.

You just said "roll in the hay."

I think that ship has sailed.


Oh, I better figure out how
to slow him down

before this John Wayne walk
becomes permanent.


- Hi.
- RENEE: Hey.

Come on in.

Hey, girls.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You are just in time.

I mixed up a signature drink
in honor of your divorce.

I wouldn't pour that just yet.

I'm starting to rethink
this whole divorce thing.

Doug showed up last night.

He flew in from New York?

I know.

He said it's over with Tina.

He wants me back.

And he gave me this.

Oh, Doug screws up a lot,

but his apologies are always
the Fourth of July.

Wow. Tom's apologies
are more like Arbor Day.

But he cheated on you.


A guy who has women throwing
themselves at him in every city?

Meanwhile, we had 10 great years.

And he loved me and cared for me

and I think
I should give him another chance.

Am I crazy?

Well, you have invested 10 years
in the marriage.

No one goes that long
without a few bumps in the road.

Okay then, I'm doing it.

Are you insane?

The man dumped you
for another woman!

Well, he apologized.
Can't I forgive him?


Because he gave you a stupid ring?

He's buying you off again.

Open your eyes.


It's my marriage anyway.

Why don't you just
keep your fake nose out of it?

What does she mean "fake"?

Gabrielle Solis,
did you have a nose job?

Hello? We're talking
about Trampy McTrinket!

After all these years of you bragging
about your natural beauty...

Oh, I never bragged.

You once called your face,
"Proof of God's existence."

You said I was a fraud
for wearing a padded swimsuit.

And now we find out
you've had plastic surgery.

- Ooh! That changes everything.
- Mmm-hmm.

No, it doesn't.

It wasrt plastic surgery.

It was corrective rhinoplasty
for a deviated...

You will regret this.

Oh, Gabby, come on, we're kidding.

Don't get your nose out of joint.

Bree Van De Kamp had a problem.

Her boyfriend's sexual appetite
was proving to be exhausting.

And then out of the blue,
Bree came up with a solution.

Since Keith's demands
were overwhelming her,

why not make some overwhelming
demands of her own?

Wow. There's a lot of work here.

I guess I could get it done
by Friday.

No, I'm going to need it
sooner than that.

Certainly by tonight.



Allison made you
your favorite cookies for your trip.


Oatmeal raisin.

Those are my dad's favorites.

Maybe you can trade them with the boy
next to you on the plane for his snack.

Make fun, but you have to admit,
she's been great with the baby.

She has been great.

You were right, I was wrong.

Oh, if only these were macaroons, this
would be the best day of my life.

Call me when you land.

See you later.

So, can I help with the lasagna?

Actually, the boys said
they wanted meatloaf.

So I switched the menu.

Now sit.

All right.

So, Tom was telling me
about you going back to work.

I must say, I don't understand that.

Well, that's



What are you doing?

I'm out of milk.

Your grandmother is not here
to serve you.

I don't mind, dear.

See? She wants to.

Soda, Gram?

Make it two.


Penny, I have to get the meat,

so you get the sodas.

Uh, why?

Why? We have to take care of our men.

Penny, sit.

You boys want a drink,
get up and get it.

They have such a long day. Classes
and then their afterschool sports.

Allison, in this house,
the women don't wait on the men.

The men get off their asses
and help themselves.

When did it become a sin
to take care of your family?

You modern women,
you just plop out a baby

and then you can't wait to get back
to your silly careers.

I took care of my boys.

When my husband came home,

there was a hot meal waiting for him
on the table.

He never wanted for anything.

Yeah and how did that work out
for you?

He had an affair and left.

Damn it.

I didn't realize you were still here. Have
you been working this whole time?

You said to get it all done today.

So if there is nothing else,

I would like to go home
and slip into a coma.

Why don't you spend the night here?

I'd hate to see you out there
driving when you're so exhausted.

You are exhausted, right?


Every part of my body hurts.

Then stay.

Sleep here.

In the morning,
I will make you Belgian waffles.

That will be my special thank you
for all of your hard work.


What are you doing?

I thought of another way
you could thank me.

You said every part of your body
was sore.

One part's doing okay.


- That's it.
- What's wrong?

I can't do it.

I can no longer keep up with you
and your Woody Woodpecker sex drive!


I'm just gonna say it, okay?

I'm older than you.

I don't have your stamina
and I can't keep up.

You? You can't keep up?

I'm dating a woman
who talks to waiters in French

and wants to discuss
a play's symbolism during halftime.


You see?

You're 10 times smarter than me.
That's why I keep sexing you up.

I'm trying to keep you interested.

Make no mistake, I am interested.

I love when I'm prattling on
about the meaning of the angel,

you notice the wires.

You have your own way
of seeing the world,

and it's fun, and down to earth,

and everything I'm not.

So you're saying you like me
how I am?

Wow. I hadrt thought of that.


Very much.

Now put that thing away
and let's get some rest.


Who are you?

Oh, I'm Jenny.

I'm the new nanny.


Isn't it great?

I offered her a little more money
and she took the job.

She's the one with the boobs,


You're welcome.

Lynette, can I talk to you upstairs
for a minute?


I'll be right up.

Oh. Okay.


great news about Jen, huh?


I just fired her.


You have no right to do that.

And you had no right to make my
mother feel unwelcomed in my house.

She just wanted to be
a part of this family.

Tom, I love your mother
and if this were 1955,

I would be so on board
with her parenting techniques.

But I will not let her raise
our children to turn out like...

Whoa. Finish that sentence.

Turn out like me?

No, no, I didn't say that.

But wait, let's be honest.

When we first met, you thought there
were only two roles for women,

making a cake or jumping out of one.

I'm sorry.
I just don't want her here.

For our entire marriage, you've been
the one who makes the decisions.

"I'm going back to work,"
"I'm hiring a nanny."

This time I'm making the decision.

She stays.


Okay, boys and girls, gather up
your supplies and put them away.

See you tomorrow.


Maxine, I can't talk now.
I'm at work.

MAXINE: Look, I know I fired you.

But if you like, I'm willing
to offer you another chance.


This guy keeps calling.

He really wants
a private session with you.

And he's starting to offer
some serious money.

Come on, what do you say?

How serious are we talking?

Thank you so much for coming.

I cannot tell you
what it means to me.

Yeah, yeah. Are you gonna be singing
any songs

about a woman
who's a back-stabbing bitch?

We are really looking forward
to it, Emma. Good luck.


Would you get over it already? Why
don't we go sit down with our friends?


I'm sick of Lynette making those
Cyrano de Bergerac jokes,

whoever she was.

He. And, baby,
they are just teasing you.

It's not funny.

My thing was my natural beauty.

Like Susars an artist,
Lynette's a great businesswoman,

Bree's the perfect homemaker.

I was the beautiful one.

Now I'm just the plastic one.

And there's the woman who's to blame.

Man, I would love to smack
that smile right off her face,

which, by the way, has been pulled
so tight it'd probably smack me back.

I forgot what it's like walking
into a room on your arm.

(GIGGLES) I like it.

Baby, I think you are the one
they were staring at.

Well, this doesn't hurt.

Hey, Gabby.

I didn't nose you'd be here.

Okay, I don't know what you heard,
but it's all crap.

Don't lie.
That'll make it grow again.



Tell Doug Perry it's on the house.

I'll do it.

It's on the house.

Oh, by the way,
she slept with your lawyer.

Enjoy the show.

Is that true?

Well, the thing about that is...

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Smokehouse Lounge
is proud to present Emma Graham.


Whoo! Emma!

A word.

Hey, hey, hey,
get the claws off the Versace!

Why the hell would you tell him that?

Well, you know me and my big nose.

This is my marriage
we're talking about.

This trumps your stupid nose!

Whatever, they're both fake.

What do you know? You're nothing
but a boring housewife...

Shut up!

...whose life is so pathetic
you gotta crap all over mine.

I'm pathetic?

Hey, what do you call a girl who sleeps
with a guy for $8 million?


Get off!

I'm going to kill you!

You whore!

Get off me.

Okay, ladies, please.

I will never forgive you for this.

Sure you will!
I'll just buy you a sapphire ring!

You like my ring?

Get ready to smell it!


Oh, my nose.

My nose. My nose. Oh!


Didrt think I'd hear from you again.

Look, I've been thinking
about everything that's happened.

You slept with someone,
I slept with someone.

Maybe we should just call it even.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, that's what
we both want, right?

Thank you, dear.

I am so sorry for saying those things
about your husband.

I appreciate that.

And I'm sorry
if I crossed some sort of line.


It just felt so nice
to feel useful again.

You are useful,
and I really need you here,

especially when I go back to work.

You know,

the kitchen is my favorite room
in the house.

The family sits together here.

You get to cook for them
and make them happy.

And I just don't understand

why you would ever wanna
give all that up to go out there.


It's just who I am.


the baby's crying.

Oh! She's probably hungry.

Ooh! Yummy.

I'm so sorry, what's your name again?

I'm Penny.

And do you live here?



I'm not really used to apologizing.

But here are some chocolates.

I haven't touched a carb since 1985,
but thank you.

Believe it or not,

I was actually on my way over
to apologize to you.

I don't know what came over me.

Look, I still feel you deserve better
than that guy,

but I had no right
to screw with your marriage.

It's your life.

Doug called this morning.

He said he still wants me back.



And I said no.


He said we could pretend
it never happened.

And I thought of all the things

I pretended
never happened over the years.

You were right, Gabby.

I needed to open my eyes.

Okay, before I take credit for this,
are you sure this is what you want?


And thank you.

Out of all the women,

you were the only one who had
the guts to tell me the truth.

You're a real friend.

And I'll take that
over a sapphire ring any day.


You're keeping the ring, right?

Oh, hell, yeah.


Is anyone there?



Are you shy, too? (LAUGHS)

Well, that's okay.

So am I.

Why don't you start with
just telling me your name?

I think you know my name.

Oh! Oh! Oh!


I'm still here, Susan.

I'm glad you put your robe on.

I hate to see you debasing yourself.

What do you want?

I'd like your house.

And I'm willing to pay
a very fair price for it.

Yeah, Mike told me about that.

It's not for sale.


it seems to me
a lot of things are for sale.

Your body,

your honor,

your reputation.

The house would seem to be
the smallest of those things.

Are you threatening me?

I'm simply saying it would be

terribly unfortunate if anyone were
to find out what I already know.

I mean, I was shocked.

I can only imagine what your husband
and son would think.

You son of a bitch.

It's a lot to take in, I know.

Why don't you take a couple of days
to think about it?

I'd hate for you to feel
that I was pressuring you.

what he was doing was wrong.

He knew it was very dangerous.

He knew the risks
if people found out.

But Paul Young wanted to punish
those who had betrayed him.

So he had a plan that would set
neighbor against neighbor.

And friend against friend.

And it was a plan

that was going to succeed.