Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Thing That Counts Is What's Inside - full transcript

Susan is horrified when she discovers that she has become the face of the provocative internet company she's been secretly working for and is now the cover model for their outdoor billboard ads; Gabrielle tells her coveted secret to the ladies; Renee finds out that Bree is a grandmother and uses it to her advantage in an attempt to steal Keith away and have him for herself; Lynette takes advantage of daughter Penny's generous offer to help look after the baby; and Paul purchases the home he shared with Mary Alice, against wife Beth's wishes.

Previously on
Desperate Housewives...

Bree discovered
she had a romantic rival.

I've been looking a new hobby,
and taking you down is as good as any.

Susan got a bonus.

For the girl who gets
the most hits in a month.

Since the prison didn't allow conjugal
visits, this is our wedding night.

Paul's bride said no.

There are certain wifely duties
that I don't want to rush into.

Once we call these people,
it'll change your family forever.

And Gaby decided to meet
her real daughter.

Call them.

Carlos Solis loved his wife

more than anything...

If there's a woman on this planet
with better skin, I'd like to meet her.

Even though she was vain...

Do we have to give money
to the church every sunday?

I mean, it's always the same show.


I told you to buy me couture!

I can't wear off-the-rack
with these shoes!

And spoiled.

But in those moments
when his wife was simply vulnerable...

You okay?

Carlos loved her
just a little bit more.

This is where we're meeting them?

I think so.

I don't know
what I'm supposed to say.

Start with "Hello."

And then what? "Thanks for raising
our daughter for the last eight years.

Hope we didn't ruin yours"?

It's gonna be fine.

Mrs. and Mrs. Solis?
I'm Hector Sanchez.

Nice to meet you. And please,
call us Carlos and Gabrielle.

Thank you. Where is...

Juanita is at the swing set
with her sister.

We thought we should
talk a little first.

My wife is over here with our...

She's with Grace.

That's her name? Grace?


So how are you and your wife
handling all of this?

We're still in shock.

Since your lawyer called us,
we haven't been able to sleep or eat.

This whole thing is so crazy.

We feel the same way.

They couldn't have switched
our babies. It's got to be a mistake.

Maybe we should take a blood test.

I told you to bring
the green jacket!

I can't wear red with these shoes!

Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife...

I don't think
we'll be needing that test.

And he knew her DNA

when he saw it.

It's called a purse,

and as every woman knows,

it can hold just about anything,

from a personalized cell phone...

to a romance novel...

to much-needed medication.

Whatever you find inside,

there's one thing
you can be sure of,

every purse says something
about the woman who owns it...

Whether she knows it...

or not...

Carlos and I feel like
we shouldn't tell the girls,

you know, about what happened.
What do you guys think?

We should protect them.

Yes, but since we wanna get to know
our biological daughters,

we were thinking
maybe the families could

- get together every now and then?
- Maybe once a month?

That sounds reasonable.
What do you think, Carmen?

I guess.

Look at them.

Yes, I have a feeling that they will
become very good friends.

Can you believe
those are our daughters?

Grace looks just like me
when I was her age.

And Juanita looks so much
like my mother.

Mommy, can I have money
for ice cream?

- You just had lunch.
- But they have chocolate chip.

Let her have some. It's hot.
Come on. It'll be my treat.

Your purse is beautiful.

I know.
Would you like to hold it?

It's so soft.
I bet it cost a lot, right?

Grace, you don't ask about money.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, sweetie.

And just so you know, it's Chanel.

You can have one of these
by working very hard...

Or by marrying a man
who works very hard.

Thank you!

What a polite little girl.

You have obviously done
a wonderful job, Mrs. Sanchez.

We didn't know what to expect,

but I can see Grace
couldn't have had a better mother.

You know what I mean.

You've done
a wonderful job with Juanita.

Thank you.

When I got pregnant, I didn't know how
I would handle the motherhood thing.

But I think I turned out
to be pretty good at it.

- Mom!
- What?!

I need money for ice cream.

What is the magic word?

I don't know. "Hurry"?

Now come on.
The truck's pulling away.

The magic word is "please."

Fine. Please.

What, we can't afford
more than one scoop?

I'm sorry. What was I saying?

You were talking about
what a good mother you are.

Say good-bye to your truck loan.

God, can you believe it?

Just two months ago,
we were up to our neck in debt.

Now we're only up to our ass.

If we keep this going, we could reach
flat broke in time for Christmas.

Hello? It's Maxine.

I'm in here with Mike!

It's open!

Look at this punim.

Mike, if I was 15 years younger,

I'd ride you like a hobo
rides a boxcar.

Thanks. But you still
have to fix the air conditioner.

It was worth a shot.

I'm gonna take a shower.

I need to
talk some business with you.

Me, too.

I just bought a fur-trimmed
teddy and some floor polish.

Tomorrow is gonna be
a heck of a show.


I think you should quit.


The web site's going through some
changes. I've taken on some partners

who are pumping a lot of cash
into the business,

and they're running the show now,

and they want a huge US presence.

You promised me that no one here
would ever see me.

I did, and that's why
you need to get out now.

But Mike and I are
just getting back on track.

Yesterday, we got our first water bill
that didn't come with a threat.

Honey, I'm sorry.

How long do I have
till all this happens?

A couple of weeks, a month tops.

Okay. I'll work right up
until the last day.

Give me double shifts,
extra shows. I'll do anything.

You got it.

I'm gonna miss you, honey.

No one will ever wear the rubber gloves
and the fishnets like you do.

We get it. You're unhappy.

We got it in every aisle
at the market,

we got it four times
during the night,

- and we get it now!
- Mom, I'll put the groceries away.

Stop. Freeze.

Do nothing.
No sudden movements.

The eyes are closing.

But we bought ice cream.

Let it melt.

Yes, this is she.

Of course I did.

Thank you. Thank you.
I will be back.

Everything okay?

I left my license at the store,
so I have to drag paige back there,

which will lead to
another 2-hour screaming fit.

If I didn't look so good in
that photo, I'd get a new one.

- Why don't you leave the baby with me?
- Honey, I don't know.

You leave her with the boys,

and they don't change her diaper
until it weighs as much as she does.

Good point.

I'm back.

I'm back!

Everything okay?

She woke up,

so I went with plan B.

You traded her in
for a quieter baby?

I changed her diaper.
Now we're doing a little floor time.

You changed her diaper.

Where'd you learn how to do that?

I've seen you do it a hundred times.

You're so good with her.

How would you feel
about me taking a quick shower

to wash some of this vomit
out of my hair...

from yesterday?

Why don't you take a bath?
Light one of those scented candles.

Whoever raised you
did a brilliant job!


I'm out of aspirin.

Do you have a headache?

My back is a little sore.

You do realize
that your back wouldn't hurt so much

if you weren't sleeping on a couch
every night.

The couch is fine.

I just pulled a muscle.

Hey there.


You are the proud new owner
of your old house.

You bought your old house?

Why don't we talk later?

Here are your keys,

your complimentary
endangered species calendar,

and a kitchen magnet
with my face on it.

I know I look cross-eyed,

but they assure me
they'll correct that in the next batch.


Why would you buy that house?

Our lease won't be up for a year.

I thought it was a good investment.

But why buy that one?

There are other homes for sale.

Escrow's closed. I see no point
in discussing this further.

You won't discuss it?

I'm your wife.

Isn't it convenient
how during the day you're my wife,

but at night,
you turn back into a houseguest?

They're not done.

This isn't about the shutters.

It's about our date Friday.

You still haven't told me
what we're doing.

I can't tell you yet,
but I've been working on something

that I'm pretty stoked about.

That sounds lovely.

I, too, am stoked.

You got a little paint...

What are you doing?

Are you spying on Bree again?

Why would he want her
when he could have me?

- She's way too old for him.
- You're the exact same age.

- I am not. I'm only thirty...
- Are you gonna lie about your age?

We were college roommates.

Damn it.

Besides, Bree's always looked young.

When she used to go out
with her grandkid,

people would think he was her son.

Wait. Bree's a grandmother?

How did I not know this?

I am taking the baby over to Gaby's.

The girls are meeting for poker.

I'll be back in a few.

- You're not staying?
- No. I'm really just doing a drive-by.

Last week,
Paige spit up on Gaby's couch,

so now she's pretty much
baby non grata.

Why don't you just leave her with me?
Then you can stay for your game.

We usually play for a couple of hours.
Give me a kiss.

You'll be next door if I need you.

Don't toy with me.

I'm operating on two hours of sleep.
I'm vulnerable.

Go. We'll be fine.

I love watching my baby sister.

It's fun.

Penny Lynn Scavo,

you are officially

my favorite.

We are gonna leave everything to you

in our will.

Keep in mind we're poor,
it's really more of a symbolic gesture.

Listen, guys.

Before we start...

I've been keeping something from you,
but I'm gonna tell you

because you're my dearest
and oldest friends.

I've only known you two weeks,
but I don't want to tell you to leave.

See this picture?

This is my daughter Grace.

I can't imagine
what you're going through.

I'd be out of my mind.
How can you function?

We were knocked sideways at first,

but since we met Grace,
it's been a blessing.

Thank God the parents are lovely.

This is the kind of thing
you see on the news.

Who else knows about this?

Very few people,
and I need you guys to keep it that way.

Of course we'll be discreet.

Definitely, for Juanita's sake.

Don't worry about me.

Up until today,
I thought you were Juanita.

Tell us what it was like.


I looked into her eyes
and felt that pull.

You carried her for nine months.

There's this one thing she did
that was incredibly moving.

She came up to me...

And within
two seconds of touching my bag,

she knew it was expensive.

Now that is a hallmark moment.

You don't understand.

When I was a kid,

I used to sneak Vogues
out of my aunt's hair salon

and make
my own high fashion paper dolls.

I know what it's like

to be that kid, with her face pressed
against the department store window.

Grace is me at her age.

So I decided to do something
for her.

Her own little starter Chanel.

You are the best mother ever.

- What are you doing?
- Please go home.

I just wanna understand, that's all.

Are we going to move here?

Then why would you buy this house?

It must be filled
with so many unpleasant memories.

I don't see any unpleasant memories.

I see the couch

where my wife and I would sit
and have our morning coffee.

I see the christmas tree
in the corner by the fireplace.

I see the chair

where I would sit
and read stories to my son.

I was loved in this house.

I had a real marriage here.

Our marriage is real, Paul.


This is hard for me,

and you keeping things from me

doesn't make it any easier.

You're right.

There should be no secrets
between us.

Secrets are why
this house is empty right now.

Sorry I'm late,
but I think you'll be happy

when you hear why.

Black Eyed Peas.
Row 15, center.

How cool is that?

That's just...

You like them?

Of course.

You sound a little underwhelmed.

Not at all.

I live to rock.

I'm not as old as you might think.

- Grandma!
- Surprise!

- What are you doing here?
- Visiting. We're here all weekend.

This is my daughter Danielle
and this is my...

Her son Benjamin.

Danielle, this is...

my friend Keith.

We were just going out.

Look what I bought you!

It's slippers.

My grandma has bad circulation.
Don't you, grandma?

Please stop calling me that!

You precious child.

You guys came all this way.

You should spend tonight together.

If you guys had plans, you should go.
We'll be fine.

There's nothing more important
than family. We'll go out another time.

You're very sweet.

Nice meeting both of you.

Thank you so much.

I guess I heard wrong.

You seem to be
bouncing back just fine.

What are you talking about?

When your friend called, you were
having a hard time since Orson left.

By any chance,

is this friend named Renee?

She sent us first class tickets.

- I wish I had a friend like that.
- Trust me.

You don't.

Come on.

What the hell?

Maxine, pick up.

They're already putting up
a billboard.

You said
they weren't gonna start advertising

for a couple of...
My God!

Wait! Stop!

You can't put that up there!
That's me.

People will see!

My friends will see!

Lady, with a body like that,

no one's even gonna notice
you have a head.

You can't!

What are you doin'?

Protecting my dignity!

Hey there, Mrs. McCluskey.

Nice day, isn't it?

I've seen better.
What do you want?

You're direct.
I love that about you.

Truth is,

I was wondering if you had any interest
in selling your home.

Well, get ready to love me again.

Aren't you tired
of caring for this place?

The big lawn and all these stairs?

Yeah, your concern is touching.

What's your game here?

I just love this neighborhood so much,
I'd hate to see this house

fall into the wrong hands
after you're gone.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- I hope you're right,

but the years
do have a way of flying by,

and you might wanna unload this place
while you still have the upper hand.

Upper hand?

Right now you're sharp as a tack.

But one day, your hip will break
or you'll suffer a massive stroke,

and the doctors will say
you can no longer live on your own.

And when that day comes,

potential buyers
who don't care about you like I do

will know that you're desperate.

They'll smell the blood
in the water.

People will start smelling your blood
if you don't get off my porch.

All right.
Didn't mean to upset you.

My offer still stands.

As I said,

it all comes from my great love
for this beautiful neighborhood.

Be careful on those stairs now.

Look who's missing her big sister.

You are really so good with her.

I'm gonna take a quick jog.
Be back in 20 minutes.

I've got a test today.
I cannot be late for the bus.

I hear ya loud and clear.
I'll be back in 15.

You might wanna smell her diaper.
I think she left you a little present.

- I need to talk to you.
- Sure.

You're jogging again.
Where's the baby?

Penny is watching her.
It is the most amazing thing.

Only when you've spawned
as much as I have,

do you learn the glorious truth...

The older ones
can watch the younger ones.

Babies having babies, bad.

Babies raising babies, genius!

I'm happy for you.

- You don't look happy.
- That's why we need to talk.

She flew them here first class?
That is vintage Renee.

A voracious libido
and unlimited funds.

A deadly combination.

And now, she's taking Keith to dinner
tomorrow night.

- How did you find that out?
- He called to make sure it was okay.

Which it isn't.
But what could I say?

Don't say anything.

Wait till she's crossing the street
and run her over.

No, I'm too fond of my car.

You have to fight back somehow.
It's the only thing Renee understands.

But how?
I mean, you know her better than I do.

What could I do to humiliate her?

She once slept with a rodeo clown.
But he's a senator now.

She's got this really weird
belly button.

But by the time he finds that out,
they're already getting it on.

She used to freak out
whenever "The Wizard of Oz" was on TV.


It was the munchkins.

There's something about little people
that gives her the heebie-jeebies.

Penny's gonna be late for school.

Sorry I couldn't help.

You helped.

I'm sorry!
I forgot my phone!

Grab your stuff, and I'll drive you!

Where's my baby?

Stop breathing on my sister!

I'm Lynette Scavo.

I need to find my daughter Penny.

We've been expecting you.

Principal's office is in the back.

Thank you.

You're in so much trouble.

You left your 2-month-old baby

in the care
of your 11-year-old daughter.

What can I say?

I'm not one
of those helicopter parents.

Come on.

Give me a break.
I am raising five kids.

You have no idea how hard that is.


Clearly, you're very competitive.

I talked to Penny.

You should know she's helping you out
more than you realize.

- What do you mean?
- Do you know

Penny takes the baby monitor to bed
so she can get up for the feedings?

She does?

As a result,
the poor girl is exhausted.

She fell asleep
in social studies yesterday.

I had no idea.

I will talk to Penny when she gets home,
and I will fix this.

Yes, that would be nice.

You know what?
Enough with the judgmental tone.

Come on.
Who among us is a perfect mother?

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.
I was just hoping Grace would be home.

We were supposed to call first
if we wanted to see the kids.

I know,
but I was in the neighborhood.

Is she here?

Could you give this to her for me?

Thank you,
but Grace already has a purse.

Is it Chanel?

We bought it at a flea market for $2
and she's very happy with it.

I know, but don't you think
she'd like this one a little better?

Not if she never sees it.

Don't you think I would like
to give my children nice things?

We're not like you.

We can't afford luxuries.
We can barely afford the necessities.

If you need help...

What we need is for you

to let us be who we are,
not who you are.

Good-bye, Gaby.

Please, call next time.

You said I had a month.

I said I thought it was a month.

It's the Internet.
Everything moves very fast.

- How many billboards are there?
- They talked about a big ad campaign,

so I guess a lot.

You have got to call them.
Get them to stop it,

or at least
put some other girl up there.


Honey, I tried to warn you.

It's beyond my control now.

Please help me.

What if Mike sees me
splayed across that billboard?

He's gonna recognize those panties!

He gave them to me
for our anniversary!

I'll make a call.

Sorry I took the baby to school.
I had a test, I didn't want to be late.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I did.

Come here.
Sit down.

I understand you've been taking
the baby monitor into your room.

Just so you can sleep.

I appreciate that,

and I appreciate how often

you have been looking after
your little sister.

You like to go see your friends
and go jogging and stuff.

Yeah, I do.

And you're different
when you get to do those things.

You laugh more.
You're not as cranky.

You stay up late
and play board games with us.

I like that mommy better.

I like that mommy better, too.

But it's not your job
to take care of me.

Your job is to...

watch television
and eat way too much candy.

And my job is to make sure
that's all your job is.

Off you go.


- was really sweet.
- I know.

Get me a nanny.

- What?
- I am drowning here.

You heard what Penny said.
I'm not myself anymore.

And when I'm not taking it out
on the kids,

I'm taking advantage of them.
So I need help.

How about if I pitch in more?

What a lovely, hollow offer

that you'll never back up.

Get me a nanny.

You bought an 8-year-old girl
a $1,400 purse?

Lighten up. It's not like
I got her the matching wallet.

So what did Carmen say?

She went all "grapes of wrath"
on me,

'cause God forbid that woman
let her daughter have nice things.

"That woman" is her mother,
and I'm with her on this.

You have no right
to give Grace expensive gifts.

- Yes, I do.
- Why?

'cause she was supposed to have
all this stuff!

We were supposed to give it to her.

This is why
I didn't want us to look for her,

because we had no idea
what would happen once we found her.

But you looked, and we met her,
now we're in love with this girl.

And if you spook these people,

they can take her away
from us forever.

Morning, Mrs. McCluskey.
How are you today?

I feel great.
Sorry to disappoint you.


Just had my annual physical.
Doc says I'm gonna be around for years.

So you can tell
that vulture husband of yours

he'll have to pick
at someone else's carcass.

What are you talking about?

Something smells good.

I'm making stew.


How was your day?


Anything interesting happen?

No, not really.

You didn't...

Talk to anyone?

Who would talk to me?

I'm gonna go wash up.

You are going to love
the sea urchin.

Looks a little sketchy.

Most of the fish I eat comes
in a basket with fries.

You're funny.

And you eat out of a basket.

I like that.

Everything okay?

I just thought I saw...

Never mind.


I thought after dinner
we could go to a club.

What do you think of jazz?

I think it's the sea urchin
of music.

Okay, um, did you see that?

See what?

It was probably nothing.

I thought I saw...

Okay, you're...

You're just a kid.

What is the matter with you?

I'm so sorry.

I don't want you to think I'm odd.
You see, when...

I was a child,
there was this incident at the circus.

And ever since then,

I have always been terrified of...

Hey! Don't I know you?

Get him away!
Get him away!

- What's wrong?!
- Is he there with his tiny hands?

I can't look at his tiny hands!

I am so sorry.
I don't know what the hell she's doing.

It's okay.

Obviously, I made a mistake.

My God. Did he go?
I can't look.

He's gone.

So come down.

Everyone is staring.

You should've seen the look
on her face.

Well, I couldn't see her,
but I certainly heard her...

And it was magnificent.

Happy to help out.
Bye, Bree. See ya in church.


My partners spent a lot of money
printing those billboards.

And they'll agree not to put them up,
but they are not gonna eat the cost.

Honey, I did the best I could.

I talked them down from $12,000.

It's still a huge hit.

It puts us right back where we were
before I started doing this stuff.

I know.

And what's Mike gonna say
when he notices the money is missing?

I hadn't even thought of that.

Maybe I should just let them
put up the billboards.

At least then when he kills me,
I'll be famous.

You know, there is another way.

What do you mean?

Well, you could earn
that money back,

and fast, too.
But you'd have to...

Never mind.
Forget I said anything.

No, no. What?
What is it?

Well, there are other services
our web site provides.

Things I've kept hidden from you
because of the boundaries you've set.

But if you're willing to go

beyond those boundaries...

Are you talking about prostitution?

God, no!

Nothing like that!

Just private onscreen interactions

of a...

racier nature.

How racy?

How much money do you wanna make?

How dare you.

Good morning, Renee.

How dare you exploit
a traumatic childhood memory.

Yes, I heard you had some sort
of episode with a little person.

Oh, look.
He followed you home.

Very funny.
I wonder how Keith will react

when I tell him
it was you who ruined our date.

About the same as when he finds out
you used my grandson to ruin ours.

Here's Keith now.

Why don't we ask him
who he wants to be with?

We can't...
Put him on the spot like that.

Bree, you're getting all red.
Is that a hot flash

or you just losing your nerve?

I was gonna finish up
with those sconces.

Everything okay here?

Not exactly.

Can we ask you something?

If you had to choose between...

Forest green or brown for the trim,

which would you prefer?

Forest green... I guess.

Great. Then why don't you,

run down to the hardware store
and have them mix you up a batch?


What's the matter, Bree?
Afraid you'll lose?

You know what?

I think I am.

He's all yours.

Well, that's not any fun.
I thought you liked him.

I do,
but I don't get his references.

I can't stay up late like he does.

I'm being silly.

I feel like one of those clich?s
people make fun of...

The desperate, predatory divorc?e.

You mean like me?

Well, yeah.

Do you know
why people make fun of us?

They're jealous,

because we still have the guts
to go after what we want.

You think he can make you happy?

I think so.

Then go for it.

My gift to you.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Based on my dinner
under the rainbow last night,

I'd rather have you as a friend
than an enemy.

Now go.

Keith, hang on!
I think I'll join you!

Really nice of you to have us over.
Next time you can come to our house.


You know, I think it's great that out
of this unfortunate situation,

we could all end up being friends.

We're very lucky people.

Bet you can't catch me!

So now we pinch off
a small piece of masa,

and you roll it into a ball.

- Is this big enough?
- It's perfect, honey.

I really love your house,
Mrs. Solis.

Well, thank you, honey.

Would you like a tour?

Come on.

It's so big.

You have a TV in your bedroom?

- Lucky.
- Yes, we are very lucky.

Is that a jewelry box?

You want to take a look?

It's all so pretty.

I can't wait till I grow up
so I can have beautiful things.

You like that?

It's a gift I bought myself
with my first big modeling check.

I want you to have it.
You deserve beautiful things.

I don't know.
My mom might get mad.

Then we'll make it
our little secret.

Thank you.

I want a purse like that someday.

Well, then I'm gonna make sure
you get it.

It's called a purse,

and as every woman knows,

it can hold just about anything...

From a bottle for a baby...

To a check for protection...

To a gift for a new friend.

Whatever you find inside,

there's one thing
you can be sure of...

Every purse says something
about the woman who owns it...

Whether she knows it or not.