Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 23 - Come on Over for Dinner - full transcript

MARY ALICE:
Previously on Desperate Housewives...

Susars dream came true.

Here. Move back in with your family.

(CHUCKLES)

Bree had to put her desire on hold.

Just till my divorce goes through.

I think that's very admirable.

Tom and Lynette's weekend away
made things worse.

Do you think we're in trouble?

What do you think?

Gabby visited the town
where she was born.



The old place hasn't changed a bit.

- Stop!
- And to her surprise...

- Go closer.
...her stepfather followed her home.

He's supposed to be dead.

One clear, moonlit evening,

there was a dinner party
on Wisteria Lane.

And everyone would agree
that it was a night to remember.

They would remember
the crisp chardonnay,

the tangy salad,

and the savory chicken.

But the most memorable part
of the evening

wasrt the food.

In the year since she had left the Lane,

Susan Delfino
had missed many things.



The laughter of happy children,

the smile of the cheerful mailman,

the smell of wisteria in bloom.

(SNEEZES)

But what Susan missed the most

were her friends.

Dishes are done. Can I go now?

We just started unpacking.

Come on! It's been a whole year
since I could walk outside,

knock on a door,
and hang with the girls.

Can we at least finish the kitchen?

(SIGHS)

Fine.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

Susan.

Go play with your friends.

Yay! (GIGGLES)

Just be home by dinner.

Whoo! I win.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- You are in great shape.
- (BOTH PANTING)

Did it ever occur to you that
a mere woman could out-race you?

Did it ever occur to you that I'd rather
run behind you than in front of you?

That is so sweet.

(BREE CHUCKLING)

(EXHALES)

I have to take a shower.

What a coincidence. Me, too.

Really? We're doing this?

I thought we couldn't have sex
until your divorce was final.

Yeah, I know, but I thought about it
a lot these last 40 seconds,

- and I think I'm done waiting.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh! (GROANS)

Hey! Can you spare a cup of coffee
for a new neighbor?

Susan! I just finished a run.
But tomorrow for sure.

I'll race you to the shower.

- Whoo!
- Wait.

Wait? What?

I think there's a reason
why God sent someone

to the door that exact moment.

I don't. And I know him
a lot better than you do.

Hey, I don't wanna wait either.

I'm just so close
to getting out of my marriage.

How close?

Doreen and I meet
with the lawyers tomorrow.

Now, as long as she shows up
in a good mood,

we could wrap it up in no time.

So our sex life is dependent
on your wife's mood?

Her little boutique isn't doing so great.

And the worse business is,
the crankier she gets.

The crankier she gets,
the more she drags this out.

All right. Then, I guess
we'll be showering separately.

You go first.
Just don't use all the hot water.

Don't worry. I won't be using any.

So...

The kids are gonna want dinner.
Should we just order pizza?

Fine.

You want me to unpack for you?

No, that's okay. Just leave it.

What are you doing?

Never mind.

What do you mean, "never mind"?

Why are you keeping
your suitcase packed?

The company has an apartment
near the office.

I think I should move in there
for a while.

No. No, Tom...

You don't think some time apart
would do us good?

"Time apart"? Come on,
we both know what that means.

It means if you walk out that door,
you'll never come back in.

You don't know that.

We just had a three-hour car ride
and didn't say a single word.

I do know that.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Guess who just moved back
on the Lane!

Oh! Oh, my gosh!

That's so great! I'm so happy for you!

I'm just right in the middle
of something, but I...

I'm gonna call you, all right? Yay!

So, what are you saying?
You're done trying to work things out?

We've been trying.

We can't give up.

We have to keep fighting for this,
fighting to save our family.

Are we fighting to save it,
or are we just fighting?

- It happens...
- Lynette.

Leave the suitcase where it is.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- (GASPS)

Hey, Gabby!

Hi, neighbor. Invite me in for wine
so I can get out of unpacking.

Susan, hi. I was just about
to go out. Rain check?

Hey, what are you doing?
I thought you missed your friends.

Yeah, still do.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just back from a run,

and on my way out
and kind of busy right now.

- I told you she was mad. She's mad.
- Will you believe that?

I mean, come on.

Susan, we are so sorry.

We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

We should have made time, especially
after everything you've been through.

It's just... To be away so long
and be totally ignored.

I was home all day. My bell never rang.

Who wants coffee?

(CHUCKLES)

So, there's Paul,
and he is struggling to get loose.

And Felicia is right on top of me,

holding the needle
just inches from my...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh!

It's Doug, my ex. Third time this week.

I'll bet you anything
that bimbo of his walked out,

and now he wants to hook up with me.

Will I say yes? Well, depends.
If he really asks me nicely...

Renee. This is Susars moment.

Well, she could've told me
her story yesterday. I was home.

I'm just saying.

Susan, we wanna give you and Mike
a proper welcome home,

so we are having a dinner party
in your honor.

Oh, you guys don't have to go
to all that trouble.

- Whose house?
- (LAUGHS)

All of ours. It's an old-fashioned,
progressive dinner.

We're doing drinks and appetizers
at my place.

Salad at mine.

And for the entr?e, I am making
my famous roast poussins.

It's French for "baby chickens."

I'm serving cheesecake.
It's American for "dessert."

You guys are so sweet to do this.

I don't wanna get emotional,

but just being here in my own kitchen
with my best friends,

- I mean, I'm just...
- Aw!

Honey!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Keep going. I'm not gonna answer it.

Renee, I was going to do
a little clothes shopping later,

and I was hoping you might join me.

Thank God.

Are we burning your clothes
before or after we go?

I was hoping we'd try
that little boutique on Lake Street,

the one Chuck's wife owns.

What? You wanna go talk to the wife?

Oh, bad idea, Bree. Very bad idea.

No. Chuck's meeting with her
to work out a settlement,

and he's hoping she'll be
in a good mood,

which she will be if we go to her store

and spend a bundle on clothes.

I'm buying, so it's a win-win.

You'll be helping a friend and getting
a free new dress for the dinner party.

I'm not sure these clothes are quite
the thing for a dinner party.

Dinner? I wouldn't wear them
to a drive-by shooting.

Just smile, okay?

Doreers watching, and we're here
to lift up her spirits.

Oh. In that case...

Excuse me, miss.
We just love your clothes.

Yes, they are so expressive.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say so.

From the way they've been selling,

I was starting to think
they were too edgy for Fairview.

Not for us.
I'm gonna take these tops, and...

(GASPS) Ooh!

These beautifully
ventilated jeans, and...

(GASPS) Oh!

Look at this lovely skull purse!

Hey, don't you want to try them on first?

Yeah, Bree, you really should.

You two just made my day.

And you made ours!

I just love this look on me.

Thank you so much, Bree.

You're welcome, Doreen.

How do you know my name?

I don't.

You just said it. You called me Doreen.

Oh! Well, it was on your name tag.

Or would be if you had one.

That's why we don't check out the wife.

What? Oh, I get it.

You and Chuck are an item, huh?

So you came to get a good look
at the woman

whose husband you're screwing?

Hey. Bree here is a class act.

Not that you can tell at the moment.

For your information,
Chuck has not slept with me,

and he won't while he's still married.

(SCOFFS) Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously!

He has high ethical standards,
and so do I.

Sorry. I guess I misjudged you.

Apology accepted.

And I hope for your sake
as well as for mine

that you and Chuck
come to an agreement soon.

You know what? I think we just might.

Wonderful.

Arthur? Doreen.

You know that agreement
I said I'd sign?

Tear it up. We can do better.

(WHIRRING)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

I thought you were dead.

That's the good thing
about a small town.

You start a rumor
a hundred miles away, nobody checks.

Okay, so you're a liar.

Now why are you here?
What do you want?

You were in Las Colinas
stirring things up again.

It took me a long time to start
my life over someplace else,

and I don't need another witch hunt.

Don't come near me!

Gabrielle, please.
(CHUCKLING) Who are you kidding?

(FIRES)

I'm not the little girl who doesn't
know how to defend herself anymore.

What's going on here?

I'm trying to think of a reason
not to kill you!

I know we had our problems...

I don't remember you having problems.

I remember you getting drunk on
tequila, and coming into my room,

and putting your hand over my mouth
and raping me!

I was 15.

I was a virgin.

What do you want, Gabby?

Get on your knees.

Uh-uh.

Get down!

Gabby, don't do this.

"Don't do it"? I remember saying that.

And it doesn't work.

- Think of something else.
- (GROANS)

(EX CLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

I'm...

I'm sorry.

For what?

For what?

Raping you.

Get up.

Start walking.

Never come near me again.
Do you understand?

Go back to being dead.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(RETCHING)

So, "no" because you don't wanna go,

or "no" because you don't know
what a progressive dinner is?

Both.

I've been on the road for a week
and I don't feel like a party,

especially if that womars
gonna be there.

Oh! "That woman"? You mean Bree?
How long is this gonna go on?

As long as my mother's dead.

Well, that could be forever.

You go.

I should probably get to the office
and catch up on some work.

GABRIELLE: Forget Bree.
You don't even have to talk to her.

This is about doing something nice
for Susan.

Gabby?

Why the hell do you have a gun?

Alejandro found me.

What? I thought he was dead.

No, he's alive.

What did that bastard want?

Did he lay a hand on you?
Why didn't you call me?

He's gone. I took care of it.

Gabby.

- Did you...
- I came close.

My finger was on the trigger,
but I didn't do it.

I guess it was enough
just to know that I could.

Wouldrt have been enough for me.

After what he did to you?
I would have shot him like a dog.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, excuse me, aren't you
supposed to be behind the bar?

Is this a photo of you and Doug Perry
from the Yankees?

Yeah. He's my ex-husband.

That is so cool! What's he like?

Okay, I usually don't talk to the help,

but in your case I'll make an exception.

Shut up.

Oh, good, the gays are here.
Let the fawning begin.

Heavens to Cher, you look amazing!

(CHUCKLING)

It's good to see you holding up so well.

What are you talking about?

Your ex-husband getting re-married.
It's all over ESPN.

Which you obviously do not watch.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
We thought you knew.

This is what comes
from watching sports.

That's why he was calling,
he's getting married.

Will you excuse me?

Ah. Red or white?

Brown.

You look really pretty.

Thanks, sweetie. Is your dad dressed?

He's not back yet.

From where?

I don't know.
He left while you were in the shower.

Hey, Penny, there was a suitcase there.
Have you seen it?

Nope.

Can I try your lip gloss?

Sure.

- Hey, guys. How's the party?
- Hi.

Okay. You might wanna stay out
of the living room, though.

It's pretty brutal.

Yeah, Judy's a little over the rainbow.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(RENEE SINGING OFF-KE Y)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Once more from the top.

No. No. No. No. No.

My Funny Valentine,
not so funny the fourth time around.

Here we go. Look.

Doug is a dog.
He's not even won'th thinking about.

Trust me, you will meet someone else.

Yeah? When? Where?

All the good ones
are either married or gay.

Arert you sweet.

I was talking about Bob.

Okay.

Oh!

There you are.
Everyone's dying to meet you.

You mind if I have a drink first?

I just finished talking to Doreen
and her lawyer.

- How did it go?
- (SIGHS) Horribly.

We were this close to settling,

and suddenly she asks
for the lake house.

- Oh?
- Even her lawyer says it's too much.

But it's like somehow she knows
I'm desperate to end this,

so she can ask for anything.

That's awful. Mini-cheeseburger?

- Hi.
- Hey!

Where's Tom?

Um, I don't think he can make it.
He's got some work he has to do.

GABRIELLE: Same with Carlos.

That's the bad thing
about being married to rich guys.

The good thing? We're rich. (LAUGHS)

Sorry.

- SUSAN: Hey.
- Yeah.

You might wanna talk to Penny.

She was over watching MJ today,
and she seemed a little upset.

About what?

Well, I don't know if you and Tom
had a fight,

but she has it in her head
that you guys are splitting up.

Oh, my God.

No, no. No "Oh, my God."
I told her not to worry.

I told her nothing
was ever gonna happen to you two.

Oh, my God.

Uh...

Tom left me.

(GASPS)

It's not like I didn't see it coming.
I just didn't see it coming tonight.

Sweetie, I am so sorry.

How are you even keeping it together?

Right now, I'm just thinking about
making salad for 15.

I know how hard this is.

You know, but trust me,
however it turns out,

you're gonna get through this,
because you've got your friends.

And Tom. Look, Lynette.

It's Tom.

Well, obviously, you don't need
three people to make a salad,

so I'll head back to Renee's.
And I'll see you in a bit.

You wanna set out the forks?

Forks? Where the hell have you been?

The recipe called for mandarin oranges.

You told me to get mandarin oranges.

Yesterday. And I went
and got them myself.

Well, I didn't know that.
So I guess we have extra now.

But...

I didn't see your suitcase.

It's in the closet.

People will be coming soon.
I'll get the forks.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know if I've told you this,

but it's nice having you back
on the Lane, kid.

Oh, thanks, Karen.
You know, in the year I was gone...

Okay, okay, you're holding up
the line. Talk and serve, huh?

Where's Renee?

I don't think she's coming.

She just found out
that her ex is getting married.

Doug?

Yeah, she's pretty devastated.

- I don't think you'll be seeing her tonight.
- Oh!

Hello, everybody.

This is my date, Edgar.

The bartender?

Not just a bartender,
bartender slash model.

Print ads, mostly.

Maybe you saw me
in last Sunday's Fairview Herald?

I was "Guy Checking Watch."

Show them!

All right.

Isn't he good?

It's like he really needs to know
what time it is. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Drunk off her ass
and not afraid to show it.

My kind of gal.

Chuck?

About those new demands
your wife made,

there's something you should...

Hey. Hey. You know what, Doreen?
I don't care.

Take the money and the lake house.

It's won'th all that and more
to finally be free of you. Goodbye.

(SIGHS)

You didn't have to do that.

Oh, I did. I couldn't let that drag on
one more day.

But to give up your vacation home
just so we could have sex?

That's not why I did it. That place
is full of memories of her.

Now, why would I wanna hold on
to those

when I could be making new memories
with you?

Oh, Chuck.

Also, I wanna have sex with you.

Hmm! And we will,
as soon as this dinner party is over.

Um...

How many more courses?

I guess we could skip the salad.

(BREE GIGGLING)

- Good evening.
- MAN: Evening.

(CHUCKLES) It's a really funny story
how we met. You tell it.

No, you tell it so much better.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You don't have to tell it. We were
there when you met an hour ago.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

What are you doing with this guy?

"This guy"?

This guy is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

You better be careful, or you might
not be invited to the wedding.

That's right. I could easily see
myself being the next Mrs. Renee...

Uh...

I'll be right back.

(DOOR CLOSES)

You want one?

Want one? No. Need one.

(LYNETTE GROANS)

So you wanna tell me why it took you
two hours to find mandarin oranges?

What were you doing?

Leaving.

What made you come back?

I couldn't do it that way.

I kept thinking about you at the party,

people asking you where I was
and you having to make stuff up.

It wasrt right.

My biggest fear about marriage
was that someday you'd leave me.

(SIGHS) I grew up in a home
where people left

and I had to clean up after,

and I just couldn't
go through that again.

And so when I didn't see your suitcase,

I thought, "Well, here it is.
My worst fear. He's gone."

And then I thought, "Oh, damn!

"Paige's car seat is in Tom's car,
and I'll have to get a new one."

You had just left me,
and I was thinking about a car seat.

It was so weird.
I kept waiting to feel devastated.

But instead I felt...

I didn't know.

(SIGHS) I couldn't put a name to it.

Then when I walked in,

and you were back.

I suddenly realized what I had been
feeling the whole time you were gone.

It was relief.

I was relieved.

Hey, if you guys don't put out
more croutons,

you're gonna have a riot on your hands.

We'll be right there.

What are we gonna say to people?

Nothing.

It's Susars night.

Yeah. And we shouldn't tell anyone
until we tell the kids.

Oh, God, the kids.

(BREE GIGGLING)

(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

(PANTING)

Wow.

I'm sure a year of celibacy
was tough on you,

but as the person who benefited
from it, all I can say is...

- Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

No, no, no, the chickens.

I should've taken them
out of the oven 20 minutes ago.

(GASPS) I hope they're not...

(BEEPING)

Oh, no, the smoke alarm!

We're moving again?

Now we go to Bree's
for the main course.

I don't get it. Is this supposed to be fun?

Not fun, Roy, just free.

So, shall we go?

Yeah, I guess it's that time.

Again with the watch bit?

I don't get it. You used to love that.

People change.

Stop it.

(ALARM BEEPING)

Oh! Oh!

(CHUCK COUGHING)

BREE: Open a window!

- Oh, no! They're ruined!
- (SIZZLING)

Can't we just scrape off the burnt parts?

There's nothing but burnt parts.

- Help me clear the smoke.
- Sure.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- MIKE: Hello?

- (WHISPERS) They're here.
- MIKE: Anybody home?

Look at us. Quick! Button your shirt.

I don't have any buttons.

- What?
- You're the one who ripped them off.

Oh, no!

What the hell would've happened?

(BREE CLEARS THROAT)

BREE: Hello, everyone!

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but...

My oven malfunctioned.

It's been very erratic lately
and I thought I'd fixed it,

but Chuck and I went to the cellar
to choose a wine,

and when we were done,
my entr?e was smoking.

I'll bet it was.

Hey, Chuck,
what happened to your shirt?

Well, as Bree's already pointed out,
it was very smoky in the kitchen.

And I couldn't find a towel
to wave it away,

so I, um, used my shirt.

(STAMMERING)
And I waved it so vigorously

that all the buttons came off.

Should I offer to loan him a shirt?

Don't you dare.

Anyway, we are going to

- go pick up some roast chickens.
- Chickens.

So, enjoy the wine and...
(WHISPERS) Get my shoes.

And we will be back
as soon as possible.

- Let's go.
- (INDISTINCT)

What?

You really think you need another one?

Are you counting my drinks now?

I don't think I can count that high.

You knew I drank when we met.
You were the bartender!

Oh, baby, what's happened to us?
I mean, we never used to fight.

Listen, I think this has been over
for a long time.

You're dumping me?

It's not you. It's me.

But it's mostly you.

Well, Edgar and I are over.

I'm sorry.

But you'll always have the salad course.

(GROANS)

Who am I kidding?
This was all about Doug.

When he cheated on me with Tina,

I thought he was just
sick of being married

and just wanted to screw around.

But now, he's marrying her,
which means what he was sick of

is me.

(SOBBING)

Okay. Um...

Either you are the most sympathetic
friend of all time,

or something else is going on here.

Tell me.

(SIGHS)

Uh...

(SNIFFLES) Tom and I are separating.

No.

No. No. No. Not you guys!

It's all right. I think it's for the best.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT)

More chicken?

No. I should run and get dessert ready.

Oh! Wait, wait, wait.
I have something I want to say.

Mike and I just want to thank you guys

for planning this
wonderful dinner for us.

Renee, we really enjoyed the drinks.

And you seemed to enjoy the bartender.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And, Lynette,
you and Tom make a great salad,

and an even better team.

And, Bree,

for the first time ever,
you burned the main course.

(ALL EX CLAIM)

Which was the perfect tribute to me.

(SUSAN LAUGHING)

You know, living away from you guys

has been hard for me,

because when friends live apart,
they sometimes grow apart, too.

But no matter how crazy
or busy our lives are,

something always seems to happen
to bring us back together.

And that started tonight,
with this dinner.

May we have many, many more.

- Oh, damn. Almost made it. Cheers.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)

Cheers.

Okay, now I am leaving before I lose it.

I will call you guys when it's ready.

Okay.

Hola, Gabrielle.

(SCREAMS) Oh, God!

What are you doing here?

I know you told me not to come back,

but I'm betting you won't be so tough
without your gun.

I told you to leave.

And I did. I drove 50 miles out of town.

But I just couldn't stop thinking
about all those things you said.

You made me sound like a monster.

I only said what was true.

You sure?

Because when you said that thing
about being a virgin,

(CHUCKLES) I almost had to laugh.

- What?
- Come on, Gabby.

Those short skirts you wore,
those halter tops.

You were a little slut.

You sick bastard.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

You did all the talking before.

Now it's my turn. Sit down.

(SCREAMS)

Stay away from me.

I remember those nights
in your room, baby.

No. Stop.

And as far as me putting my hand
over your mouth,

that was so your mother wouldn't hear
how much you were enjoying it.

(GABRIELLE SCREAMS)

(SOBBING)

He came in.
He came in and he was standing there,

and I was so scared,
and I couldn't do anything!

It's okay.

I couldn't do anything!

CARLOS: Okay, okay. Hey! Hey! Hey!

(GABRIELLE GROANING)

Let's call the police before he wakes up.

CARLOS: Oh, God.

(SNIFFLES) What?

There's no pulse.

He's dead. I killed him.

But it was self-defense.
I mean, he had my gun.

Your gun? I put that in the safe.

No.

No, he had it.

He had it right here. It was here.

I just killed an unarmed man.

(DOOR OPENS)

Gabby, I thought you were gonna call.

Yeah, it's been 15...

What happened?

Who is that?

My stepfather.

The one who...

Is he dead?

Yeah. I killed him.

(GASPS)

Okay, I know. This is bad.
This is really bad.

The man was in your house,

and you had every reason to be scared
after what he did to you.

No.

I never reported him. No one knows.

They're only gonna know
that he was here and he was unarmed,

and Carlos killed him.

And now he's gonna go to jail
because he was trying to protect me.

Calm down. We just need time to think.

We don't have time.

Everybody's coming.

Including your boyfriend, the detective.

I killed the son of a bitch
who hurt my wife.

If I have to go to prison, I will.

That's not gonna happen.

(INDISTINCT)

Sorry. If these glasses were bigger,
I wouldn't have to keep asking.

Maybe you're not supposed to drink
a lot of blue.

Excuse me.

Hey, this was fun. I like your friends.

I'm glad.

Strawberry sauce gets everywhere.

MARY ALICE: There are many things
that bind friends together.

Sharing a laugh
over an embarrassing incident,

comforting each other in times of need,

finding it in our hearts to forgive.

But the thing that binds friends
together the most,

is a secret that changes everything.