Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 21 - Then I Really Got Scared - full transcript

Previously on
Desperate Housewives...

There was flirtation.

Here's my card.
If you see anything suspicious,

I want you to call me...

- or even if you don't.
- There was confrontation.

After all those years
that I supported you,

took a backseat to your career,
you couldn't do the same for me.

- Oh! Aah!
- There was a fight.

Leave me alone!

And...
there were consequences.

Susan Delfino was charitable
to a fault.



She just couldn't resist
lending a hand.

There wasn't a lost pet
she could ignore...

A girl in uniform
she could refuse...

Or a struggling artist
she could say no to.

So when it came
to a neighbor in need...

Oh, my god. Paul, what happened?

Susan was only
too eager to help.

I started having chest pains,

Passed out, came to, dialed 9-1-1.

They've been
running tests all night.

Well, I'm gonna be here
for you till they figure it out.

I brought you these--
magazines, water.

You're unbelievable.

I've got a street
full of neighbors,



And the only one who comes
to see me is the woman I yelled at.

- Sorry about that.
- It was my fault.

I shouldn't have asked you
about getting my house back.

I sounded like a vulture.

Mr... Young,
we've got your test results.

Could you excuse us
for a moment, Susan?

Oh, yeah. I'll wait outside.

Well, good news.
Your E.K.G. came back normal.

- So it's not a heart attack?
- It's not a heart attack.

Says here you've been experiencing
dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps.

That's right.
What do you think it is?

I think unless
you've been poisoned

or you're pregnant,
it's probably just stress.

Poisoned?

Yeah. I remember this case
when I was an intern.

A man came in
with the same symptoms.

Turns out his wife was putting
antifreeze in his oatmeal.

Little bit every day
so it wasn't obvious.

But eventually, it killed him.

Good lesson for all of us--
don't piss off the old lady.

What did he say?

He thinks it's stress.

Just stress?

That's a relief.
So you must be starving.

What can I make you
for dinner tonight?

Yes, Susan Delfino
just couldn't resist

lending a hand
to a neighbor in trouble.

I'm sure anything you bring
will be a huge help to me.

Which was about to cause her
some trouble of her own.

No matter how secure we are,

we all experience
moments of dread.

It may be just before
we open our credit card bill...

or hand over a note
from our teacher...

or step on the scale
after a week away from the gym.

Yes, we all experience
moments of dread,

and sometimes

we have no one to blame...

but ourselves.

Daddy's home.
How are my--

"Bloody Stranger 2"?
She can't watch this!

Daddy, no!

Look, this is about some...
stranger who comes to town

and starts murdering
slutty teenagers!

Yeah. It's a good lesson
for when she's older.

Don't be a slutty teenager.

Gaby, this is way too violent.

Oh, the kid's used to violence.

You've seen me
make her eat carrots.

Besides, Juanita knows
the movie's fake.

Right, honey?

Duh. There's no way one speargun

could shoot through
three heads in real life.

Exactly.
Two, maybe.

Maybe.

Oh, Carlos, relax.

Juanita's tough.
She'll be fine.

Aah! He's out there!

Oh! Calm down, sweetie.
Who's out there?

The bloody stranger.

He was standing on our lawn
looking at our house.

The bloody stranger. Nice.

No, honey, we talked
about this, remember?

How it was all pretend?

Can I sleep in here with you guys?

You can sleep with her.
I'm gonna sleep in your bed.

Celia's in my bed.

Then I'll sleep in Celia's bed.

She wet her bed.

Come on in.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Look who's home in time for dinner!

Yeah, well, I couldn't miss
spaghetti night.

Spaghetti night's tuesday, dad.

- You made it home for taco night.
- Taco night?

Ay, caramba!

Hey--no. I'm kidding.
Mwah.

Hey, your mom made
a lovely dinner,

so the least that I could do
was bring home dessert.

- Plane tickets?
- That's right.

- I planned the family vacation this year.
- You did what?

Seven days, six nights

at the Royal Kailua spa and resort

In... Hawaii.

- Whoo!
- Dad!

- Well done, sir!
- I've never been there!

You bought the tickets
without talking to me first?

Okay. Not exactly

"wow, Tom, you're the greatest
husband in the world."

But I told you, I already
planned our vacation,

Just like I've been doing
for the last 16 years.

Well, there you go.
You deserve a year off.

Wait until you see

- the waterslides at this place.
- Cool!

Yeah. Yeah, cool.
Except I just spent two weeks

mapping out a route
for a camping trip,

- And I put a deposit down on an R.V.
- Okay, so we eat the deposit.

Wish I could eat it right now.

And I told my sister
we'd stop by and visit on the way.

We get back from Hawaii,

we fly her out to see us here--

Boom! Problem solved.

And yet still no

"You're the greatest
husband in the world"?

Oh, my god.

First class?

You are the greatest
husband in the world!

Aah! Oh, my god!
We're going to Hawaii! Aah!

Yes! So lucky! Ohh.

Yeah.

Hawaii.

Principal Hobson!

Principal Hobson?

Principal Hobson!

Uh-- Susan! Hey!
Great to see you!

Did you get my e-mails?
I sent you, like, ten.

E-mails? No.

- Oh. Well, in the first one--
- All right. I got them.

And I would be glad
to give you your job back,

- but I'm afraid it just
isn't gonna happen. - Oh...

Why not?

Susan, you can't be surprised
that there are consequences

when you show up on the internet
holding a feather duster

and wearing a purple bra?

That was very specific.

Well, I-I had to verify
the claims in order to--

My point is, the damage was done.

I know. I made a mistake.

But I feel like I deserve
a second chance.

If it were up to me,
I would give you that chance.

But you know private schools.

The parents' council
has all the power.

So... if I were to win them over...

Well, it would be a start.

Thank you.
I'll take it from here.

Oh, and I promise,

No feather duster, no purple bra.

And no black bustier.

Nice talking to you.

Oh, Detective Vance.
I was just, um, heading out.

I won't keep you. I just stopped by
to give you another card,

- to replace the one you lost.
- What makes you think I lost it?

I gave it to you two days ago.
You never called me,

- So I'm assuming you lost it.
- No. I didn't.

Now, is that nice?

I give you a graceful way
to spare my feelings,

and you clobber me with facts.

You sure you didn't lose it?

Quite sure. In fact,
it's right here in my purse.

You didn't throw it away.

That must mean
you were thinking of calling.

Look...

this is my second try.
I can't ask you again.

- Is that an ultimatum?
- It's a fact of courtship--

Twice is charmingly persistent.
Once more and I'm stalking you.

- So you're courting me?
- I'm trying to.

When will you stop
playing hard to get?

Maybe when you stop
playing hard to want.

- You see how much you enjoy
smacking me down? - Mm.

Why pass up a chance
to do it all night?

Come on. One dinner.

Fine. This thursday, 8:00 P.M.

Great. See you then.

I thought you were heading out.

Right.

You... want me to test
a tuna noodle casserole?

Is that a problem?

Well, normally we test stuff

like soil samples
and ground water,

But sure, I can do it.
What are you looking for?

Antifreeze.

Hey. What are you doing tonight?

A friend of mine's
playing at a jazz club.

Oh, thanks, Renee,
but I have a date.

If you don't want to come,
just say so.

- You don't have to make stuff up.
- No! I really do have a date.

- Is that so hard to believe?
- Uh, slightly.

So who is he?

He's a detective.
His name is Chuck.

Chuck Vance.

Well, don't stop.
I want to hear it all.

Actually, that's all I know.

That's it? And you agreed
to go out with him?

I never date a guy

until I've done a complete
background check.

- Maybe I should just google him.
- Amateur.

Give me his name and I will find out
everything worth knowing--

Marital history, net worth,
results of his last physical.

The physical seems excessive.

That's what I thought

till I spent a weekend pinned
under a dead linebacker.

Why would you let her watch

something called
"Bloody Stranger 2"?

I know, I know. I'm an idiot.
Now she's having nightmares

And crawling into
our bed every night.

When I was a kid,
I had bad dreams

like you wouldn't believe--
jumping-out-of-bed,

running-down-the-hall-screaming
kind of dreams.

- So what'd you do?
- Guess I outgrew 'em.

You did?

Juanita, come here!

- What are you doing?
- I figured you could talk to her.

You know, give her one of those
"it gets better" speeches

you gays love so much.

Sweetie, Lee wants to talk to you.

So your mom says
you've been having nightmares.

What are they about?

I see this creepy guy
standing on our lawn.

Oh, you poor thing.

You know, when I was little,
I had nightmares, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

My brother told me
that there was a hospital

for the criminally insane
on the outskirts of town.

And at night,
the inmates would escape

and kidnap little boys and girls.

But it's not real. His brother
was just trying to scare him.

Oh, no. It was totally real.

One summer,
three kids went missing.

- Until they found them...
- Right.

About a month later...
in a ravine.

Alive!

No. Come on.
They were in a ravine.

What good ever
comes out of a ravine?

What the hell was that?

I'm just showing her there's
nothing to be frightened of.

My story's way scarier than hers.

Okay. So Cindy's
in charge of decorations,

Abby, you're handling music...

Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Don't let me interrupt.

Susan, what are you doing here?

I heard you guys were planning
an open house night,

and I'd love to pitch in.
How can I help?

Let's see. You're legendary
for your cleaning abilities.

That didn't take long.

Do you need any refreshments?
I could make something.

Thanks, but if we need
any help, we'll call you.

Is it still 99 cents a minute?

Okay, uh...

looks like we should
just get this out there.

My family had a really crappy year.

Uh, I did some things
that I am not proud of.

But I was a damn good teacher
when I was at this school.

And I was hoping that
you ladies might eventually

support hiring me back.

You want to teach here again?

I think the parents' council

might have a big problem with that.

Look, I-I'm not asking
for your forgiveness--

just a chance to earn it.

Let me do something
for open house.

I really do wanna help.

Okay. How about you
pick up the streamers?

Streamers?

If you can handle it.

Just be careful
not to confuse them with tassels.

Meeting adjourned.

I shouldn't even look at this.

It feels like such an intrusion.

And besides,
he'll be here any minute.

Then I'm just in the nick of time.

You found something bad?

Well, for me, his salary alone
makes him a non-starter.

But you may be more interested
in what's on page three.

Is he a dirty cop?
Or a democrat?

Worse.

Hello, Chuck.

I was afraid I was early,
but, uh...

looks like you're all ready.

Oh, I'm ready, all right.
Shall we?

Hope this is okay.
You like Italian, right?

Everybody likes Italian.

Oh, it's fine.
So let's talk.

Tell me about yourself.
Tell me everything.

Okay, what do you want to know?

Oh, whatever you think is,
hmm... pertinent.

Okay. Um, I was born
in Pennsylvania.

I played some ball in college.

Um, I have a degree in criminology.

Interesting.

Anything else?

Well, I have two kids.

Oh. So you've been married.

Yeah. Didn't work out.

I hope you don't
judge me for that.

Oh, no. Not for that.

Is something wrong, Bree?

I'm just wondering when
you were going to tell me

that you're still married.

I see you've done due diligence.

Did your source happen to mention

that I filed for divorce
last spring?

And that it hasn't gone through,

So technically,
you're still married.

- You should have told me.
- We haven't even ordered yet.

You expect me to lead with that?

"Hey, I'm technically married.
The chicken looks good."

You shouldn't be dating at all
until your divorce is final.

- What if you and your wife reconcile?
- I haven't spoken to my wife

In a year without
my lawyer present.

You can't blame me for doing
a simple background check.

Hell, no. I'm sure you want
to avoid another mistake

like your second husband,
the hit-and-run driver.

Orson, was it?

What?

Tell me, who was creepier--
him or that pharmacist

who killed himself
while you were dating?

Where did you hear that?

I pulled your police file.

I have a file?

And you pulled it.

How dare you investigate me
before our date!

Say that again, and this time,
listen for the irony.

There is no comparison
to what I did.

You could have been dangerous!
I have to protect myself.

Oh, women can be dangerous, too,

Especially ones who own
four handguns

and a .30-06 hunting rifle.
What's up with that?

This is outrageous.

You are treating me
like a common criminal!

What can I get
you folks to start?

I will not be ordering.
I want to go home now.

Come on, Bree.
Calm down. Have a drink.

I don't drink.
Wasn't that in my file?

Someone's slipping.

What are you doing?

Hmm? What do you
think I'm doing?

I think you're wasting your time,

much as I did when I planned
this year's vacation.

We should have discussed this.

I wanted to surprise you.

I wasn't surprised.
I was blindsided.

You may call all the shots at work,

But you're not the C.F.O.
of this family.

Ugh.

You're right.

For what it's worth,
your road trip sounds amazing.

I just don't think it's gonna
pan out for this summer.

But you made a hell of
a great start for next year's trip.

Don't pull that
management trick on me.

- What trick?
- The "Yes" sandwich.

Start with a compliment,
lower the boom,

end with a compliment.
It's the oldest trick in business,

- And I taught it to you.
- Lynette,

I already promised Hawaii
to the kids.

You want me to take it away?
You saw how excited they were.

Only because they've never
had a lavish vacation before.

Give me the same budget,
and I'll make my trip

- Sound twice as good as yours.
- Oh, I would love to see you try.

Okay, then.
Game on.

We'll, um,
we'll sit the kids down,

We'll each make our presentation.
Let them decide.

Sounds fair to me.
Game on.

Okay.
Game on.

Uh...

Honey.

I'm not turned on.
You're a very handsome man.

We're not gonna have sex.

That's a "No" Sandwich.

Level with me, Bree.

- Do I still have a chance with you?
- None whatsoever.

Then this can't make
things any worse.

That's right.
Keep driving, buddy.

- Why'd you do that?
- Get in, Violet.

Oh, my god.
You couldn't have dropped me off

before you pick up a prostitute?

You arresting me, Chuck?

Just taking you
to the women's shelter.

So what is this,
your good deed for the night?

You trying to impress your date?

No. That ship has sailed.
She hates me more than you do.

Why? What's wrong with him?

My opinion isn't
any of your concern, miss.

You're better off
without her, Chuck.

This one's got a stick up her ass.

And what qualifies you to make
such snap judgments

- about people you've just met?
- I'm a hooker. It's what I do.

Here we are, and I'm watching
to make sure you go in.

You know I'm just gonna be back
on that corner tomorrow.

Yeah, well,
that's tomorrow's problem.

When are you gonna give up?

What I am now...
that's all I'm ever gonna be.

You think so?

Did you know that ten years ago,

Bree here was turning tricks
just like you?

How dare you.

Bree, she needs to hear this.

I must have hauled
her ass in 50 times.

Then one day, she said,
"I'm better than this."

She got herself to school.

Before you knew it, she had
a first class catering company,

So don't try to tell me

that you can't make
a better life for yourself.

You were really on the street?

Actually, I...

I don't like to talk
about that part of my life.

I get it.

Look at you now, huh?

It was really nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Thank you, Chuck.

Don't mention it.

I know. Way outta line.

You said I had no chance,
so I figured, what the hell.

Home?

Yes, please.

You were right.
Found trace amounts of antifreeze,

but don't worry.
Wouldn't have killed you.

What would happen

if I ate one of these
casseroles every day?

Well, for one thing,
you'd get tired of tuna casserole.

Ahem. If you repeatedly
consumed ethylene glycol,

your heart would start to fail,

your kidneys would give out.
Eventually, you'd die.

It'd be a nasty way to go.

Huh.

I can only imagine.

What are you doing?

I thought I was borrowing
Lynette's tent.

Turns out I borrowed
a nylon bag of death.

Why are you setting up the tent?

For Juanita.
I wanna prove to her

there's no scary guy on the lawn.

I figured if she spends
the night camping out here,

she'll get over it.

So the kid is scared

there's a killer lurking
outside at night,

and your solution is
to make her sleep out here?

Not alone, you dope.
You'll be with her.

Me?

Yeah. What if she's right?

What if there is a killer...
or it's cold?

Oh. Forget it.

I got an early meeting tomorrow,
and I'm not going in half asleep

Because I slept on my lawn.

You caused this problem.
You fix it, tonight.

And stop pouting.
It's fun to sleep outside.

I'm sure it is.

That must be why the homeless
are always so cheery!

Come in.

Hey.

After our date--
or rather, non-date--

I was very confused.

Makes two of us.

I was... offended when
you didn't tell me the truth

about your marriage
and oddly touched

when you told
a complete stranger

I was a whore.

Well, if you like that,

you should wait
till valentine's day.

I wanted to know
your secrets right away,

and I didn't want
to tell you mine

until I felt I could trust you,

and that... wasn't fair.

I was no better.

When did dating
become so complicated?

We're not kids anymore.

We've both had
our hearts kicked around.

I guess it's made us
a little gun-shy...

If "gun-shy" is
the right word for a woman

with an arsenal as big as yours.

So what do we do?

I say...

we forget about
the crazy digging for dirt

that we both did

and just have
a normal first date.

All right.

When?

Well, it is lunchtime.

Why not?

I know this little Indian place

That does an amazing
lamb vindaloo.

How'd you know
I like Indian food?

I'd rather not say.

I don't even know why
I wanna work at that school again.

Ugh, those smug cliquey moms.

I mean, can you believe
that Dana gave me streamer duty?

It's positively awful.

So tell me, how is Paul?

I hear he went to the hospital?

He thought he was
having a heart attack,

But the test results
came back negative.

Do the doctors know
what caused it?

They think it's stress,

But I'm worried about him.

Oh, don't be.

Well, I think he should go back
and have more tests done.

He'll be fine.

As a nurse, I saw time and again

that the best
prescription for stress

Is rest and good food.

So sweet of you to make
these cookies for him.

Well, yeah,
I hope it cheers him up.

I'm sure it's just
what the doctor ordered.

Well... I wish I could do more.

Oh, Susan.

You're doing more for Paul
than you can possibly know.

The Grand Canyon.

Over a mile deep.

It took six million years to form.

Sequoia National Forest--

A soaring monument
to nature's majesty.

So that's our vacation?

Looking at trees and
a hole in the ground?

Now, now, kids, your mom
worked hard on this. Be kind.

Yeah. Yeah, if the Grand Canyon
isn't your scene...

Did she say "scene"?

You're bound to love
our next stop...

The screaminator.

Seven minutes of sheer
roller coaster terror.

"Responsible parenting" magazine

calls it the worst idea since
the caffeinated juice box.

- That's awesome.
- Ooh.

- That sounds really...
- Oh, me likey that.

- That's very sweet!
- Any and all

of these thrilling destinations
are available to us.

We just point the R.V...
and drive.

- All right!
- Whoo!

- Yes!
- Oh, man, I can't wait.

Ooh, I forget about the R.V.

Won't it be a little cramped
now that we have Paige?

Oh, maybe your dad's right.
Maybe we shouldn't take the R.V.

Maybe we should take...

the Road Juggernaut 8000.

State-of-the-art
entertainment system,

six private
sleeping compartments,

and two full baths,

One of which Justin Bieber
used on his last tour to make...

water balloons.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

- I'm blown away right now!
- We are going on vacation!

Follow that, Hawaii.

Will you take that off?

No.

Juanita, you look ridiculous.

I don't care how I look.

- I don't want that killer guy to
chop off my head. - First of all,

a helmet wouldn't keep him
from chopping off your head.

It would just mean
I'd have to clean it

before I gave it back to Parker.
Second, there is no killer guy.

- It's an actor in a movie.
- But I'm still scared.

It's okay to be scared.
It's even fun sometimes.

But you can't let that scared
come from inside your own head,

and you have to be able
to calm it down if it does.

What's that?

It's people walking by, juanita.

This is what I'm talking about.

This is where you take
charge of your fear.

Mama, I think it's the killer.

No, it's not, Juanita.

Mom, look!

Aah!

Oh! Who's out there?!
Go away!

Gotcha!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm trying to help.

By giving me a heart attack--

- You thought that would help?
- Kinda did.

Oh, mom,
you should've seen your face.

I just wanted to show you

that not everything that
looks scary actually is. See?

Plastic.

It's like the movie.
It looks scary, but it's fake.

Exactly. I have to go.
Bob's in the shower...

and he's about to pay
for not liking my...

chicken pot pie.

So when you cast
your vote tonight, kids,

cast it for adventure...

luxury, nature.

'cause Hawaii has something
for every Scavo,

whether it is circling

a smoking volcano in a helicopter

or swimming in crystal-clear
waters with the dolphins.

It is the vacation of a lifetime.

I didn't wanna do this.
You know who else

loves swimming in those
crystal-clear waters?

Nature's hungriest predator--
the great white shark.

Come on. There hasn't been
a shark attack on the island

in forever.

Really? Or did they just fail
to find the evidence?

Great whites tend
to eat their victims.

What?

This is very,
very unlikely to happen.

You're right. You're right.

I mean, especially
if we all die first in...

a gruesome helicopter crash.

Now you see

why the natives
call them death birds.

You-- you think
you're gonna be safer

driving across country?

Who knows the number one
cause of accidental death?

- Oh, I do. It's the car crash.
- Don't worry, kids.

We're gonna hire
a professional driver.

It won't be your dad.

Guys, can we go upstairs
and talk about this

before we vote?

You bet.

We await your verdict.

- Yeah.
- Aloha!

God, you are a hypocrite.

How?

Ten years ago, Christmas,

we are standing
in the scooter aisle

at the toy store
when I wanna choose

the twins' big present.

You say, "Tom, when you start
making the money,

you can start
making the decisions."

You've been sitting on that
for a decade? Wow.

Well, guess what.
I make the money--

Big money--
more money than you ever did,

so I get to decide
how we spend it!

We're supposed to be
equal partners.

I just wanted a say
in the process.

No, you don't.
You wanna control the process

- Like you always do.
- Watch it.

And then you feel
that power slipping away,

and you can't stand it.

You can't stand that
I am running the show.

Running the show?
Are you kidding me?

We're talking about
a family vacation--

Not anymore we are not!

This is about how you
can't handle my success.

No, you can't handle your success.

You've turned into a pompous ass!

Maybe because it's turned you
into a raging bitch.

Lee! I am warning you.

Once was funny.
This time, I will kill you.

Get out of here!

How's Penny?

Really upset.

She kept crying and saying
how she didn't wanna choose.

I don't care where we go.

We'll take the road trip.

Not the vacation, Tom.

She doesn't wanna choose
which one of us to live with.

That is awful.
Why would she think that?

Why wouldn't she? She's seen it
happen to three of her friends.

We have always fought,
Tom, but never like that.

I know.
It's gotta stop.

I agree.

I mean, I'm scared
to open my mouth

for fear you're gonna
bite my head off.

I'm sorry.
Was that an olive branch?

I'm no better, okay?

I miss dinner
four nights a week,

and even when I am here...

my mind is back at the office.

I think we're the ones
who need a vacation.

Alone.

Yeah.

Not a big trip.
Just a weekend.

We can... get a chance
to be together

and work through all of this.

You're right.

We should do it this weekend.

You mean it?

Yeah.

I just have to check
with the office.

Okay.

But we are gonna do it, right?

You're not gonna get all

- busy at the last minute?
- I said we'll do it,

- and we'll do it, okay?
- Okay. Okay.

Hello, Susan.

Hey, Dana.
I got you your streamers.

I splurged and bought the good ones--
flame-retardant.

Good. Oh, my god. Are those
cookies for the open house?

Oh, well, actually--

You are a lifesaver.
I just had two moms flake out on me.

Really?

Uh... well...

I thought that might happen,
so I baked some just in case.

It's one of the things
that makes a great teacher--

Being ready for anything.

Thank you.

You know, Susan,
I haven't been your biggest supporter,

but maybe I misjudged you.

Thanks for these.

Let's find some time to sit down
with Principal Hobson

and talk about you coming back.

Yes!

Hello, Susan.

- Come on in.
- Meals on wheels.

Well, shoes. But "Food on shoes"
doesn't sound as good.

Today's special is lasagna.

Would you like me
to put it on a plate for you,

or do you wanna eat it later?

I think I'll have it now.

In fact, I'd love
for you to join me.

Oh, I can't.

Actually, I'm on my way
to a function at M.J.'s school.

I'm sure you have
a few minutes. Sit down.

Uh... I'm kind of in a rush.

But it's not fair.

You go to all this trouble
to bring me

these delicious meals,
and we never share them.

- It pains me.
- Uh... Paul, what's... going on?

Fine. You're in a hurry.

Why don't you stab me
with this? It'll be faster.

Or are you getting your kicks
watching me die slowly?

Okay, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

The food you're bringing me, Susan.
It's poisoned.

What? That's not possible.

I had it tested.
Come on. Have a bite.

Paul.

How could you do this to me?

Is it because
you want the house?

Is it-- is it because
you hate me?

Okay, you have to believe me.
I never put poison in your food.

Well, somebody did.
Was it Mike?

No! It was just me.
I-I'm the only one who...

What?

Oh, my god.

The cookies. I-I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to the school!

Oh, Cindy, Cindy.
The desserts--

The desserts, my cookies--
have they put them out yet?

Oh! Yeah.

They're... just...

I'm so sorry.
Try the oatmeal raisin.

Kathy, um, do you know
how many points these are?

You'll thank me tomorrow.

Susan? What did you do
to the parents' council?

They love you.

Oh, great!
Thanks for the cookie.

Uh, which one of these is--is mine?

Ooh, I have no idea.
We just put 'em all together.

Oh!

Whoops! Sorry.
Oh, silly me.

If I can have
everyone's attention

for a moment, please?

Hi. I wanna welcome
all our wonderful parents.

And I wanna thank
the decorating committee

and those who made
the refreshments.

Oh, including Susan Delfino.

Thank you, Susan,
for those chocolate chip cookies.

Oh. Uh... you're welcome.

And about those cookies I made--
don't eat them.

They're poison.

No, no, this isn't a joke.
My cookies will kill you.

Oh, god.

That's her, officers.

Yes, no matter who we are,

we all experience
moments of dread...

When we ask ourselves,

will anyone believe I'm innocent?

Will my daughter
be a child of divorce?

Will this man break my heart?

Are there things that
go bump in the night?

And sometimes...

the answer...

is yes.