Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 2 - You Must Meet My Wife - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

That maniac
was serving a life sentence!

Hello, ladies.

Paul Young came back.

Doug is leaving me.

Lynette's friend
had nowhere to go.

I've spent eight years
loving someone else's daughter?

A baby was switched
long ago

and Carlos made a decision.

Then we're not telling Gabby.

Susan got a job offer.



Women doing housework in lingerie.

While Bree's contractor...

With your red hair,
you will look so hot in this room.

...brought possibilities to light.

All set.

Now that you're a biker chick,

there's one other thing
you gotta know how to do.

Thanks, mister.

It had been a long time since

Bree Van De Kamp was a little girl,

but she could still remember
everything she'd been told about sex.

Her grandmother informed her
it was a woman's burden.

Her minister warned her it was a sin.

Her teacher taught her
it was unhealthy.



Yes, everyone had told Bree

her sexual urges were dangerous,

but no one had ever told her

how to get rid of them.

Hey, there you are.

I'm off to the bank.

Before you go, I want to
show you something. Come here.

Whole new idea.

I want to panel the study in this.

Oh. That's unusual.

Historical birch
from a Wyoming snow fence.

Over 200 years old. Feel it.

No, really.

Feel it.

You know what they call this?

Witness wood,
'cause it's seen so much history,

unlike me, who slept through history
and had to go to summer school.

I have to go, it's late.

Yes, when Bree was a little girl

she'd been taught her
sexual urges were dangerous.

Unfortunately, she was about to learn

those urges were dangerous
for everyone.

Juanita. Oh, baby.

The doctors and nurses
at Fairview Hospital

are experts at healing.

They can set bones,

bandage wounds,

and treat diseases.

Sadly, one thing they don't know
how to heal,

is a guilty conscience.

I don't know what happened.
She just came out of nowhere.

Honey, this could've been any of us.

Kids on that street are always
playing where they shouldn't be.

Still, I would just feel better if they
would come out and tell us something.

Juanita was talking
when they put her into the ambulance,

I'm sure everything's
going to be fine.

And I just spoke
to one of the nurses.

She seemed pretty positive.

Well, that's a relief.

Paul?

What are you doing here?

I heard about the accident,
so I rushed right over.

That's what neighbors do, right?

Well, that's very thoughtful.

We'll tell Gabby you stopped by.

Yeah, don't feel like
you have to hang around.

There's nothing we can do.

We can pray.

Dear Lord, we ask you to
be with this young child

-and with the doctors caring for her...
-What is he doing?

-I don't know.
-...and that she may be returned

in full health to her loving family.

Amen.

Amen.

Well, I have to get home.
I'm expecting someone.

Please extend
my good wishes to Gabby.

Dear Lord, please don't let that
creep ever touch me again.

Amen.

Oh, Gabby, thank God. How is Juanita?

She's gonna be fine.

They're keeping her a couple of days
for observation,

so I told Carlos he doesn't even
have to fly back from his business trip.

That's great news.

Yeah, it is. Bree, Andrew,
can I talk to you for a second?

Thanks for coming. I feel so
blessed to have such wonderful...

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

First you take out my mother-in-law,
then you go after my daughter.

Are you trying to kill off
every Juanita Solis on the planet?

I admit,
it was a terrible coincidence.

You're getting sloppy, you know?
This one was in broad daylight!

I'm sorry.
She just came out of nowhere.

Have you seen my daughter?
She never comes out of nowhere!

On a related note, I just
want to say how much I appreciate

you not telling Carlos about
me running over his mom.

I'm gonna give you that one,
because I wasn't fond of her,

but as for the rest of my family,
learn to swerve!

Why does this keep happening?

I don't know.

Maybe God is punishing us.

Or God is punishing the Solises
and we're just doing God's work.

I feel awful.

I should've never have been fiddling
with that radio.

Radio? Mom, I saw you
from across the street.

You were checking out Keith's ass.

That's preposterous.

You were looking
at that contractor's butt

like you were waiting
for a side of steak sauce.

Watch your mouth. This isn't
one of your homosexual dance clubs.

I'm telling you, it was the radio.

Okay, fine.

But while we're talking
about the radio,

you do know that particular model is
like 15 years too young for you, right?

Who is it?

Maxine.

Oh!

Oh, hang on a second.

I was just wrapping up
my first session.

I know.

I was watching.

And?

What did you think?

It was like watching a dream.

And you know why?
'Cause I was asleep!

Sit down, honey.

It's time I gave you a few pointers.

Now, you see what I'm doing here?

Ah!

And let's not forget the duster.

Okay, okay. I get it.

And what have we here?

Smudges?

We eat off that table.

Am I making my point?
We are selling a fantasy here.

You got to, you know, loosen up.

I want to, I just...

I can't stop thinking about all
those men out there, watching me.

Yes, they're watching you.

They're spending their hard-earned
dollars to see the perfect woman.

You, my darling,
have all the power here.

Now,

is that a crumb I see on that rug?

-That's it.
-Ah!

-That's my girl.
-Ooh!

Doug, if your lawyers don't
sweeten the settlement offer,

I will sue you
for half of everything.

And that includes your
girlfriend's new implants!

You paid for them
out of our joint account,

so technically
one of those puppies is mine.

I don't know, maybe throw it
in the pool and use it as a floatie!

Uh, Renee...

Oh, she's going to be dating
soon enough.

It's time she learned
what men are all about.

Now, sweetie, what did Aunty Renee
teach you about marriage?

Never sign a prenup.

Oh! Geez!

Hey!

What are you doing home from work?

I'm not feeling well.

Again?

Yeah.

That's the third time this week.

You need to go to the doctor.

No, I'm fine. I'm just going to lie
on the couch and watch some TV.

Okay.

Oh!

Before you fire up the Golf Channel,

you think maybe you could make
a quick run to the grocery store?

I'm tired. Can't you do it?

I'm a little busy right now. I've got
five kids and a useless house guest.

Hi, there.

I need you functional.

Either go to the doctor
and get some help,

or quit complaining
and give me some help.

Fine, I'll go tomorrow.

Man, the sympathy in here
is just overwhelming.

What?

Nothing. It's none of my business.

"But..."

But you may want to be careful.

You two are starting to sound
a lot like me and Doug.

I appreciate the concern,
but Tom and I always do that.

Doug and I always did that, too.

Look at us now.

I'm telling you, we're fine.

"If you say so."

If you say so.

The doctors say she's gonna be fine.

They're only keeping her
in the hospital as a precaution.

She'll be home in a few days.

Oh, thank God.

Hey.

Well, look who's here. Can we please
not have another ugly scene?

I only came to check on Juanita.

She's fine.

Fantastic.

So, I see you
let our tomato plants wither,

just like you did our relationship.

Well, that's what happens
when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes.

Boys, boys, it's been a month.

Can't you just kiss each other's
bottoms and make up?

Isn't that what they do?

Who is that?

She looks lost.

Should we help her?

Son of a bitch!

-We should help her.
- Son of a...

Miss, is everything okay?

No.

I am so lost.

I gave the cab driver the address,

but I only had a 20,

and it turns out that only gets you
as far as Hibiscus Circle,

so he dumped me and I had to walk
in these shoes, which broke,

and that is the last time I'm buying
footwear over the Internet.

Were you looking for Wisteria Lane?

Yeah, that sounds right.

Is my fish moving?

If he goes belly-up, this is
going to be the worst day ever.

Who is it you're here to see?

Paul Young.

Really? Are you a friend of his?

Well...

Beth!

Oh!

Thought you were going to be here
hours ago.

Well, I see you've all met my wife.

Sorry, it got really hot in here and
I thought you'd be gone for a while.

So how's Juanita? She okay?

She's doing much better.
Thank you for asking.

Thank God.

How are you doing?

Me? I'm okay.

How's the work coming?

Pretty good.

I was just getting ready to put...

Shoot! It's on backwards.

Bree?

You sure you're okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just been a very stressful day.

I think I know what you need.

It's okay. Hitting that little girl
was an accident.

It could've happened to anyone.

I have to let you go!

Huh?

After you let me go.
Everyone should just let go.

Are you firing me?

Why?

You're too messy.
Your tools are scattered everywhere.

Well, this is a construction site.

And you're getting paint
all over the place.

And that cologne of yours,
it's overpowering.

I don't wear cologne.

That's just you? Oh, dear.

Anyway, obviously I will pay you
for the time you put in,

but I think you should go.

You can send me a check.

Bye, guys. Have a great day.

Aren't you going to work?

My first class isn't until 11:00.

I thought I'd spend the morning
making more jewelry.

Wow, you really are determined
to bring in some extra money.

You have no idea.

And you don't let me
put my feet on that table.

Mike!
What are you doing home so quick?

I forgot my thermos.
What are you wearing?

Uh...

I was just...
Doing housework, obviously,

and the air conditioning
isn't working,

so it got really hot in here.

I'll say. Mind if I join you?

No, no!

Uh. Oh! Oh!

You know what? Why don't we
take this in the bedroom?

What's wrong with right here?

I am one lucky guy.

I come home
to a hot fantasy like this.

Yup, and I'm one lucky girl

to have a...

Have a husband like

you!

Any luck finding an apartment?

Not with my settlement.

With New York prices,

I'll be forced to live in a place
smaller than this.

Oh, my God. How will you
keep from bumping into yourself?

You know what I was thinking?

Why don't I
find a place here in Fairview?

Fairview? Uh! No! No, no.

You're a New Yorker.
You love the theater, museums...

You said yourself you can't even
get a decent cup of coffee around here.

No, I meant here, Lynette.
Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?

Hey.

How did it go with the doctor?

Yeah, can we talk about that?

So, what did the doctor say?

You're gonna wanna sit down.

Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?

I have postpartum depression.

Come again?

I know it sounds weird,

but it's a recognized problem
for fathers my age.

I've got all the classic symptoms.

Headaches, mood swings, fatigue.

Wow.

Tell me, did he check you for a yeast
infection while he was down there, too?

Why don't you learn the facts
before you make fun of it?

Yeah.

I'm not buying it.

Show me one stretch mark,
one chapped nipple,

then we'll talk about
your postpartum.

It's a legitimate medical condition.

And you're the one who told me
to go to the doctor.

So you could be of
some use around here,

not so you could, oh, "Take long baths

"or get in some extra naps."

Do me a favor,
read the whole pamphlet.

Gosh, I wish I could, Tom,

unfortunately, I have to take care
of my other baby.

I love the house.

Oh.

I did the best I could.

I think it needs a woman's touch.

Oh!

I don't have much experience
with decorating.

If I so much as moved a chair,
Mama would throw a fit.

Then you must be happy to
finally have your own home.

I guess.

Look at this, no Plexiglas.

I never dreamed the day would come
when I could reach out and touch you.

I didn't either.

There is one thing I'll miss
about prison,

your letters.

Some days they were the only things
keeping me going.

I'm glad you liked them.

Thank you, again, for going to so much
trouble. Dinner is wonderful.

I wanted tonight to be special.

Since the prison didn't allow
conjugal visits,

this is kind of our wedding night.

About that,

I can't wait to start cooking for you

and making things nice around here,

but there are certain other

wifely duties
that I don't want to rush into.

Oh.

We're still getting
to know each other.

Mama said you'd understand.

Oh, I suppose I do.

You're not upset?

Of course not.

There's more to marriage than sex.

Oh, Mrs. Solis? Can I talk to you?

If this is about Juanita
and the dessert cart,

I told you
not to leave it unattended.

No, I was reviewing her chart

and I realized we still
had a couple of questions.

Is she allergic to any medications?

Not that I'm aware of.

Okay. All her vaccinations
up to date?

Yes.

And how old was she
when you adopted her?

I know it's hard to believe
that the little acorn

gave birth to the mighty oak,

but believe me, I did.

Okay, maybe I'm confused,

but the other day when we talked
about possible blood transfusions,

you told me you and your husband
were type O.

Yeah, we are. So?

Well, your daughter is type A.
Two O's can't have an A.

Oh.

Never mind.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What was that?
What was that "never mind"?

It's none of my business.

No, no, tell me.
What are you implying?

Nothing.

I'm simply stating that the odds of
Mr. Solis being the biological father

of a type A baby are roughly nil.

Are you suggesting I cheated on him?

I'm simply stating
that the odds of Mr. Solis

being the biological father...

Listen, nursie,

I know you spend your days
emptying bedpans

and shaving the groins
of senior citizens,

but there's no drama here.

I have been faithful to my husband.
I have nothing to hide.

Give me that.

Oh! Good morning.

Good morning.

Did you have trouble sleeping?

I was up kind of late.

Boy, that Tom sure can talk.

You were up with Tom?

Huh? Oh!

Yeah.
I guess he had a lot on his mind.

No surprise, after the way things
went between you two yesterday.

He was complaining about that?

Oh, I don't want to get in the middle.

Honey, you had a pajama party with
my husband at 3:00 in the morning.

You're in the middle.

Well, Tom feels
that you don't listen to him.

Sure I do. I heard that whole spiel
about male postpartum,

otherwise known by its initials, BS.

See, that's just the thing.

He thinks you hear,
but you don't listen.

Okay. Okay, you stop.

I don't need you troubleshooting
my marriage.

And I don't want you having any more

of these little conversations
with my husband.

Okay, fine.

"I mean it."

And I mean it.

There you are!
I called you an hour ago.

I was at school.

Hi, sweetie, the kids
in your class made you a poster.

Look what Brittany said.

Yeah, yeah, she loves it. Come on.

Come on.

What is going on?

Do you remember eight years ago
when we went on that ski weekend?

Uh, vaguely.

No, no, no. It can't be vaguely.
I need you to focus.

Okay.

Okay. Remember how you and I had
dinner with that French guy?

The one you referred to as
Le Package?

Exactly. Okay.

Tell me everything you remember.

Ooh!

I remember I had the fondue
and I lost my strawberry

and the waiter almost caught me
when I put my...

I'm talking about me and The Package!

Why are you yelling at me?

Because I'm mad!

You went off to bed and left me and
Frenchie drinking at the hotel bar,

and friends don't let friends
flirt drunk!

Now, for the love of God,

do you at least remember
when I came back to the room?

I remember the sun was coming up.

Oh, God.

Gabby, you're not saying...

Yeah.

I think Juanita might be French.

When Carlos returned
from his business trip,

he stopped at the hospital to visit
his daughter,

who had been sleeping peacefully.

Then he came home to see his wife,

who had been plotting frantically.

Oh, you're awake.

Mmm.

You're really awake.

Carlos? What are you doing?

Me? I just got into bed,
you climbed on top of me.

I did?

Yeah, you were kind of making out
with me, not that I'm complaining.

Oh, no. It's happening again.

What are you talking about?

My sexsomnia.

Your what?

Yeah. It's like sleepwalking, except

instead of using your legs,
you use your... You know.

Sexsomnia. It's real. Look it up.

Since when have you had that?

Well, definitely before
the girls were born.

I've never seen you do it before.

Well, it mostly only happens
when I'm really tired.

Like when I work out too much
or go skiing.

Then first thing tomorrow
I'm checking out airfare to Aspen.

No, no, no. It's not a joke.
It's dangerous.

It doesn't matter who I'm next to.

I could have sex
and not even know it.

Wow.

Well, since you're up...

No, I'm too tired

and ashamed.

Good night.

Hey, I thought I'd return this.

I borrowed it from Orson
a while back.

Thank you.

So, where's that Chippendale dancer
you hired to fix your house?

If you mean my contractor, his name
is Keith. And I had to let him go.

Why? You catch him grating cheese
on his abs?

It just wasn't working out.

It must've been pretty bad
for you to kick that shirtless wonder

out of your front yard.

I was finally reaching my target
heart rate on my walk.

You mean at your age
you still have urges?

I'm not dead, Bree.

I may like my bed and my food soft,
but I like my men...

Okay, okay. Just curious.

I guess I was hoping...

Hoping what?

That one day I might outgrow
all this.

Ah! That's why you fired Keith.

I just can't have him around.
He's too distracting.

And I refuse to make
a fool of myself.

And how would that happen?

Well, let me run the numbers for you.

My marriage ended six days ago.
Keith is 15 years too young for me.

And my track record with lovers,
two dead, one in a wheelchair.

Bree, I can't tell you
how to live your life.

All I know is that not living
your life isn't the answer.

I've just never been very good
at taking risks.

Well, then get good.
Because, take my word for it,

once they turn into regrets,
it's too late.

Hi.

Don't feel like you have to help
or anything.

Cool.

Ugh!

Where's your dad? His car's gone.

He and Renee went out to dinner.

He and Renee?

Yeah, they went to that French
restaurant Dad likes.

They said you can join them
if you want.

Oh, I want.

Okay. You unload these groceries

and look after your sister.

No. I've got plans tonight. I don't
want to get stuck babysitting.

Cool.

Hey.

Hey. Good, you got the message.

Loud and clear.

So, you guys sure look like
you're discussing something heavy.

What's up?

To be honest,
I was talking about you

and your tendency to be critical.

And how frustrating it is to have
my feelings invalidated

whenever I bring up something
you don't like.

Uh-huh.

Renee, sidebar.

Did I or did I not tell you to butt
the hell out of my marriage?

What did I do?
I was just finishing my dessert

and listening to the guy talk.

"How frustrating it is to have
my feelings invalidated."

That's got your $500-an-hour
shrink written all over it.

I was just trying to help.

That's a load of crap.

You need a project. And since you're
currently without a house to remodel,

you've decided to put
the wrecking ball to my marriage.

Oh, please.

This is what you do.

You take other people's lives apart
for your own amusement.

And then you get the fun of putting
them back together.

Well, I'm not letting you
do it this time.

My marriage
is not some guest bathroom

in your summer house.

Fine. Let's just say you're right
and I'm a terrible person.

But there's still a man in there
who's in pain,

and his wife won't listen to him.

That's not my doing.

I think this sidebar is over.

Hey, Susan.

Hey.

Those are beautiful.
What's the occasion?

I called the bank to see if they
would give us an extension

on our car payment.

And the guy told me
you already paid it.

I had a good week with my jewelry.

You're amazing.

You teach, you bust your ass
with this jewelry business,

and then I come home yesterday
and here you are,

happy as can be, working to make
this place a home.

I'm so lucky to have
a wife like you.

Wow. There you go.

That's quite a haul.

You know,
you're getting good at this.

I didn't think that was gonna happen.

I'm also getting good at lying
to my husband.

I didn't think that was
going to happen, either.

Hello, Keith.

How'd you find me?

Did you follow the scent of
my nonexistent cologne?

No. Your answering service said
I might find you here.

I was a little out of sorts
the other day, and, well,

long story short, I was
hoping you'd consider coming back.

I've got a buddy, loves sports cars.

I told him to buy an old Pontiac GTO.
They run great, they're easy to work on.

But he bought a Maserati.

The thing is always in the shop.

Very temperamental,
a real pain in the ass.

You seem like kind of
a Maserati to me.

I'm no Maserati, Keith. I'm a family
sedan with a beige interior

who's going through a divorce.

Well, I'm sorry about that,

but I'm still gonna pass.

I need you.

You've seen my house.
It's kind of a mess.

And the truth is,
my life's kind of a mess, too.

When you came in, with all your
energy and your wonderful ideas,

I started feeling like

maybe you were gonna help me
put it all back together.

My house, not my life.

I just want you to work on the house.

Wow.

I really do sound like a Maserati.

Um.

Thanks for listening.

Hey!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?
I didn't see you there.

You've got great legs.
You ever consider

just jogging from place to place?

What were you doing behind my car?

I thought about what you said.

It'd be a shame if we didn't finish
what we started.

Are you sure?

It's a big job and
the boss is kind of nutty.

I love a challenge.

Now, can I get your
insurance information?

So, how are you doing?

What's this? Genuine concern?

No asking if my breasts feel swollen
or if it's a heavy-flow day?

I know I was dismissive before,
and I want to apologize.

I read the pamphlet,
and it actually made sense.

Becoming a new dad at your age
can be pretty scary.

I mean,
just looking at that little girl

and knowing you might not be around
for her wedding...

Is this supposed to be helping me?

I'm saying it's real, and I get it.

And now, in order to demonstrate
that I'm a loving and caring wife,

I have two options.

One, we can have a long, sensitive
conversation about your feelings.

Or option two...

As much as I like option two,

I think tonight I wanna talk.

You got it.

What's that?

I got you a little something.

Oh!

Try it on.

Paul, this isn't really my style.

Let me be the judge of that.

We talked about this.
You said we could take it slow.

It's been almost a week.
Isn't that slow enough?

Try it.
Maybe it'll put you in the mood.

It won't.

Come on.

Paul, no.

How could you possibly think
I would wear something like this?

What are those?

The letters you sent me in prison.

Oh.

Read this...

-Paul, please don't get upset.
-...out loud.

"I long for you to kiss my neck,

"to whisper in my ear
while you unbutton my blouse."

Go on.

"And then make love to me
all night long."

Did you write these?

It was a fantasy.
I never thought it would be real.

It is real.

Paul, please.

We're married now.
What did you expect?

I thought you would stay in prison!

I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

It's not a surprise to me
that you have some issues.

I mean, you married a man
in prison for murder.

Clearly, you are a disturbed
young woman.

The good news is
I'm willing to help you.

All I ask in return
is for a little affection.

Do you think you can offer me that?

I'll try.

Good.

I'm a patient man, Beth,

but just so we're clear,

I won't be patient forever.

Don't worry, I cleaned the pot.

The way things have been
going lately,

I'm not as worried about taste
as I am poison.

Look, what you did
was borderline evil,

but you were right
to make me talk to Tom.

So, I thank you for being a good
friend and don't ever do it again.

You're welcome.

You know,
when I don't feel like killing you,

I think I like having you around.

Good to know, since I just rented
the most charming bungalow

right here on Wisteria Lane.

You're kidding.

Edie's old house? Wow, that is so...

Wonderful?

Close.

I am trying to calm the baby

but apparently
I don't have the right equipment.

Did you hear the big news?

Renee is moving in
just a stone's throw away from us.

You do know that's
just an expression, right?

We'll see.

You really think it's a good idea
for you to move here?

Of course.
It'll be a nice fresh start.

Plus, I can be close
to my dear friend.

It's just...

I want to be sure...

Tom, that was a million years ago.

It doesn't matter. She can never know
what happened between us.

Have you seen my wife?

Yeah, she's in the cafeteria.

Oh, while I've got you, could I have
you sign these release forms?

Then you'll be able to take
Juanita home.

What's this torn page on her chart?

Let's just say your wife has
a bit of a temper.

What happened?

Well, it's not really my place,

but she did have a strong reaction

when I told her
your daughter's blood type.

Gabby did this?

I need you to tell me
exactly what happened.

Oh, crap!

Gabby? Come back here!

It's not my fault! I have a disorder!

Gabby, we have to talk!

Damn it! Ah!

Gabby!

See you in about two seconds.

Okay, here's what happened.

It was on that ski weekend,
eight years ago.

I don't normally go for French guys,
but you know how I get

when I drink too much champagne?

What?

I didn't think I slept with him,
but I must have,

because why else would our daughter
have type A blood?

You're not killing me.
Why aren't you killing me?

Baby, come with me.

There's something I have to tell you.

There are certain kinds of pain

that can't be treated in a hospital.

So those who are suffering do what
they can to heal themselves.

Some cure the ache of loneliness
by making new friends.

Some soothe their excruciating guilt
with an infusion of cash.

Some alleviate their burning desire
with small acts of kindness.

But sadly there will always be those
who can't begin to heal

because they realize
there is more pain yet to come.