Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 6, Episode 3 - Never Judge a Lady by Her Lover - full transcript

Bree becomes upset and jealous when she sees Karl on a date with another woman at a restaurant, but she is unable to say anything, as she is with Orson. Meanwhile, the Bolen's son, Danny, ...

Previously on
Desperate Housewives...

I'm getting married.
And I don't want to screw it up.

'Cause enough of those screw-ups,
and you just end up alone.

Gabby discovered that old flames...

Yeah, that can happen.

...can leave embers.

Do you at least know why he steals?

I steal to hurt you.

Bree's tortured marriage...

I'm not your wife anymore,
Orson. I'm your captive.

Don't you feel
any remorse at all over that?

Guilt is a small price to pay
for happiness.

...led her into an affair with Karl.

What happened to the good girl?

She decided guilt's
a small price to pay for happiness.

Lynette revealed
a closely guarded secret.

No one else can know about this,
I'm pregnant.

You are?

Something's happened to Julie.

And when a crime was committed...

How does a fish get caught?

He opens his mouth.

...a suspect emerged.

There's a certain kind of
woman you see in the suburbs.

She waits for the school bus
in her bathrobe.

She stops by the post office
with curlers in her hair.

She goes to the market in sweatpants
and a T-shirt.

This woman is a housewife,

and she doesn't bother
trying to be beautiful because

it's a waste of time.

I was trying to hit Celia.

Well, get better aim!

Ana, help me clean this mess.

Don't up your volume on me!

Juanita, finish those vegetables.
Don't make me count to three!

Don't give me that look,
you sawed-off little...


Oh, my God. John! Hi.

Wow. What a surprise.

I was so busy back in the kitchen,
I didn't even know you guys were here.

- How are you?
- Well, I'm usually better

when I don't have creamed spinach
all over me.

So, are you working here?

Hey, nothing wrong with waiting tables.
Could you get us some more bread?

You know, maybe I can bring you some
dessert, on the house.

I'll just go ask the owner.
Wait, that's me!

Honestly? You own this place?

I bought it with the money
I got in my divorce settlement.

Really? You're divorced?

Yep. Almost a year now.
Oh, my God, are these your kids?

Yeah. This is Celia and Juanita.
And this is our niece, Ana.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I can see the family resemblance.

She's my niece.


It must have been a windy day
when the apple fell from that tree.

Well, it was great seeing you again.

You, too.

I still don't see any bread here.

I'll be right back.

Yes, there's a certain kind of woman
you only meet in the suburbs.

She will try to look beautiful,

if she has someone
to look beautiful for.

On this street,
the day begins with a cup of coffee.

Most need it to wake up.

Some can't read their morning paper
without it.

A few like to drink it
on their way to work.

Then there are those who just want
something to hold in their hands

while they discuss the neighbors.

Well, Danny had me fooled.
He seemed like a pretty nice kid.

Yeah, except for the strangling. Sorry.

Well, it's okay. I'm just happy that
Julie's safe and they caught the guy.



Go inside. Go inside.

- Hey, Susan.
- I'm confused.

The last I heard, the police
had Danny Bolen in custody.

Danny was never under arrest.

The police were questioning him,
but they had no grounds to hold him.

Okay, that sounds like his lawyer
talking. Are you his lawyer?

Susan, you know
how much I love Julie.

But they have no evidence against this
kid, and I couldn't just let him sit there.

If he didn't do it, why would he need
to fake his alibi?

Because he's a kid and he was scared.

Angie, this is not a good idea.

No, I just got to say this.

Susan, please, I can't even imagine
what you've been going through...

I am begging you, as my friend
and neighbor. Don't defend him.

Susan, it's my job.

Then I don't know how you sleep
at night.

Susan, wait. Come on, can we please
just talk about this?

We can go inside, just the two of us.


You want to talk about this,
let's do it out here in the open.

Hey, everybody!
Her son tried to kill my daughter!

And while he's here,
nobody on this street is safe.

- What is this?
- Bacon and cheese burrito.

You couldn't find any croissants
or pains au chocolat?

Sweetie, we're in a motor lodge on the
interstate. I was lucky to find a burrito.

People always talk about the moral
hazards of cheating.

No one warns you about the food.

So, you want me to book this place
for tomorrow?

I'm sorry, I have an event.

Wait. You know, I think I do, too.

How's this then?
We'll go to Vegas for the weekend.

Las Vegas?

Why not?
I'll lose my shirt in the casino,

and then we'll head upstairs
and you can lose yours.

I can't disappear for a whole weekend.
My husband would notice.

- Say you're visiting family.
- Karl!

I'm sorry, but I don't see us
having romantic getaways.

That's the sort of thing a woman does
with a man she's in love with.

And we don't have
those kinds of feelings. I get it.

But you are a delightful diversion.

And in order to keep things delightful,

I think it's best we not put
unreasonable demands on each other.

Okay. Fine.

You could've said, "Pass the sugar."

I didn't want to make a demand.

So, I know you guys
have been concerned

because I've been so sick
in the mornings.

Well, I wanted to let you know why.

I'm pregnant with twins.

Well, now that the celebration is over,
any questions?

Yeah, aren't you going to be,
like, the world's oldest mom?

Nope, there's a woman in Mongolia
who's got me beat.

- Any other questions?
- I have more of a statement.

You two are so irresponsible.

You should have been using
birth control.

You're in college. Do you know what
the odds are now that you'll graduate?

Like, zero.

You, you have a new job.

One that you'll have to quit
once the baby comes.

So, I hope you're both happy.
You've just destroyed your futures

for a few minutes of pleasure.

Not to mention,
it's so gross you're still doing it.

Penny, you're excited about this, right?

Yeah, getting two little babies
to play with?

If they're boys, I'm out of here.

You have to understand,
even though they've released Danny,

- it doesn't mean he's not still a suspect.
- So, what do we do?

Well, the police are going to start
digging into your background,

so I need to know
what they're going to find.

- You're from New York, right?
- Yeah.

But instead of wasting your time
poking around in the past,

you just need to back up Danny's story.

Right, just check out the liquor
stores, see if anyone saw him.

I will, but the police are going to talk
to people in your old neighborhood,

see if he's got any run-ins with the law,
with girls.

Is there anything
I need to know, Danny?

Nope. Not a thing.

But I still need to establish character.

So, I'll need to get in touch with some
old teachers, friends...

No, you don't need to do all that.

Look, what are we doing here?

I can't defend a client
I know nothing about.

Why can't you answer
just a few simple questions?

You want to know why?

- Because this family has secrets!
- Danny!

Big dark secrets
that we can't talk about!

Not even to our lawyer.

You know, who cares if it makes me
look guilty, even if I'm not?

Knock it off!

This conversation
was privileged, right?

So, I don't know if you heard,

but this morning
the police released Danny Bolen.

I heard. You must be worried sick.

I am. Clearly he's unstable.
Who knows what he might do next.

So, what are we going to do about it?

You ever hear
about that old man on Maple Drive?

People found out he used to be
an accountant for the Nazis

and they threw garbage
all over his yard.

That's right. And he moved.

But then it was bought by some
ex-hippie who painted the house pink

so it was a Pyrrhic victory at best.

Well, look, I'm just bringing this up

because I don't want people on this
street thinking that they're safe

when they're not.

Susan, could you give me a hand
for a sec?

Honey, what are you doing?

Mona Clark's got a big mouth.
If you get her worked up,

she's going to talk about Danny
to everybody in the neighborhood.


So, we don't want an angry mob
showing up at the Bolens' house.

Especially if we aren't even sure
Danny's the one that attacked Julie.

He lied about his alibi. Why would he
do that if he was innocent?

Well... That's a good point.

And how can I live with myself

if someone else's daughter
gets attacked and I have said nothing?

Okay. Okay, I get it.

It's just this whole thing will be a lot
easier if the police just had some proof.

Well, maybe we should get them some.


I wanted to talk to you about something.

I thought I should do it in person
out of respect.


Your niece came to my restaurant
and she asked me for a hostessing job.

And I think she'd be great.

You know, but given our history,

I wanted to make sure
you're okay with it.

Because I wouldn't do it
if it would make you feel uncomfortable.

I mean, that's the last thing I'd want.
Like I said, given our history.

Yeah. Why don't you stop saying
"given our history"

and just say "I banged your wife"?

You know, it's not that
I haven't forgiven you.

It's just that every time I see you,
I want to put my fist in your face.

Now, did you park in the building?
Because we validate.

You know what?
I think this was a bad idea.

Besides, Gabby probably wouldn't
have liked it anyway.

- What?
- Come on.

I mean, her niece working for me?
I think she would've freaked out.

You know, given our history.

John? Hold on a second.

Ana working for John? Are you nuts?

You're the one who's been saying
she should get a job.

Yeah, at the mall hocking
soft pretzels, not working for...

Your ex-lover?

Well, yeah.
How can you not think it's awkward?

Because that was years ago.
We're past all that, right?

Of course we are. It's just...

The whole thing
makes me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to say no.

I knew it. You're jealous.

Jealous? Of who?

Your beautiful niece
working for your ex-lover.

- What?
- You still have the hots for him.

Don't deny it. I saw you.
"Really You're divorced?"

Okay, first of all, you just reminded me
why I hate mimes.

Secondly, is that why you're letting
Ana work for John?

- You were testing me?
- Yeah. And you failed.

Carlos, you are way out of line.

Deny it all you want,
but I know what I saw.

You wanted to look pretty
for your ex-lover.

You know, he was also my
ex-gardener! Can't you call him that?

It's so long
since I've seen you two together.

I was starting to wonder
if you'd split up.

- No, we're still married.
- Just try getting away from this one!


Bree, I know you're unhappy,
but we haven't been out in months.

Could you at least make an effort
for one night?

You're absolutely right.

Why don't you get me one of those
crab puffs and then we'll mingle?

- Sweetheart, this is just what I'm...
- Crab puff!


- Bree?
- What are you doing here?

- What do you mean?
- Are you following me?

No. I'm a member of the club.

I had no idea that this was the event
that you were talking about.

So, you expect me to believe that you
showed up at a dinner dance alone?

- No, actually...
- Karl, I know you have feelings for me,

but I would hate to see them
turn into some kind of obsession.

Hey, hon. Find our table?

And you were saying?

So, Karl, aren't you
going to introduce me?

This is Candace. She's an old friend.

Don't you mean
that you're her old friend?

Candace, why don't we
go find our table?

Bree, if we don't run into you again,

He doesn't mean to be brusque.

He's just a little eager
to rush through dinner

so we can get to the motor lodge.

Motor lodge?

He wanted to go earlier, but I said no.
Lobster first, then dessert.

Candace, why don't we start putting
that lobster in your mouth right now?

Goodbye, Bree.


- Dr. Hodge!
- Jeez...

You two know each other?

Yes, Candace was a dental patient
of mine.

I still think of you every time
I put in my night guard.

Listen, there's room at our table.
Would you care to join us?

No! I mean,
we're going to be leaving soon.

You know, that motor lodge can wait.

That way Orson and Candace
can catch up.

And you and I can have a little talk, too.

Sure. It sounds like fun.

Karl and I'll just go get a couple apple
martinis and we'll come right back.

- Lovely girl, isn't she?
- Hmm.

I'll tell you a secret, though.
Her two front teeth? Veneers.

I'm guessing those aren't her only
side by side enhancements.

She's actually very sweet.

Shame to see her mixed up
with a dog like Karl.

You have to pity any woman
who makes that mistake.

Yes, you do.

- Susan?
- No!

Get in! Get in, get in, get in!


- What are you doing?
- Stay low!

Okay, let's try that again.
What are you doing?

Surveillance. I'm going to nail
that Danny Bolen kid.

- I thought the police were...
- The police are useless.

So I'm keeping a log
of all of his comings and goings.

If he leaves
and another girl gets attacked,

he won't be able to lie
and say he was home.

Well, I've got a few minutes to kill.

Oh, by the way, I was going to call you.

You haven't told Gabby I'm pregnant,
have you?

No. Why?

Well, I haven't had a chance
to tell Carlos yet.

And I really think he should hear it
from me...

Get down!


- You think I'm nuts, don't you?
- No, I think you're a mother.

Thank you.

Although, speaking as a fellow mother,

do you remember
what happened to Porter?

Everyone in town was so sure
he set that fire and killed those people.

People can be sure,
and they can be wrong.

I'm not wrong.


- What are you doing?
- Following him. Buckle up.

No, I can't!
I have to put a meatloaf in the oven!

Wait! Wait! I forgot my...

So, Candace,
what do you do for a living?

I'm a dancer.

Oh. What kind? Jazz? Ballet? Lap?

Actually, Candace was a Rockette.


It must have been exhausting

spending so much time
with your legs in the air.

I love this song.
Bree, would you care to dance?

Sorry, my shoes are killing me.
Ask Candace. She's the pro.

I'd love to.

Have fun, you two! You loathsome pig.

You're supposed to be
cheating with me, not on me.

I asked if you were free, you weren't,
I called Candace. What's the problem?

Well, it's just that she's so cheap.
She's beneath you.

Not yet, but she will be.

Bravo! Well done!

If her dress were any lower,
it would be a belt.

Gosh, Bree, could this be jealousy
I'm hearing?

I'm not jealous. I'm appalled.
And as long as we're together,

I will not have you running around
with other women.

But we're not together.
I'm just a diversion, remember?

A little fling to spice up an afternoon.
And if that's all I am to you, fine.

But you don't get to say what I can do
when the afternoon's over.

Are you going to take her
to our motor lodge tonight?

Just try and stop me.

Excuse me, someone over at that table
was looking for you.

What the hell happened here?

Orson tripped. Really, sweetheart,
you need to be more careful.

I'm so sorry. The floor was slippery.

- Are you all right?
- I think I broke my nose.

I should go to the emergency room.

Oh, dear. And you had such
lovely plans for the evening.

Hey, Janice, is Carlos done with his
meeting yet?

I really need to talk to him.

- Got a sec?
- Never mind.

Something wrong?

How would you like a parking space
closer to the entrance?

I'd love it. You closed the door for that?

No, I closed the door to ask if you
would like to be my new senior VP.



God, Carlos, I am so flattered.

- And I would love to say yes, it's just...
- I know.

More responsibility,
more hours away from home.

But you get a company car
and an expense account.

Which is very generous,
but I still can't accept because...

And a 50% salary bump.

Because it doesn't
have a 50% salary bump.

But now that it does, I'm in.
When do I start?

Tonight. We're having dinner
with a big potential client.

He is bringing his wife,
so please bring Tom.


Wait, weren't you going to give
this promotion to Judy?

I was. But between you and me,
I found out she's pregnant.

Overheard her on the phone,
saw what was coming,

doctor's visits, sick days,
maternity leave...

Yeah, that can be annoying.

But isn't denying a woman a promotion

because she's pregnant
a tiny bit illegal?

Only if she finds out.

And I mean, who's going to tell her?
My new senior VP?

Hell no. She's too busy thinking about
that big bump she's got coming.


I've been thinking about last night,
and you, Karl, Candy.

And it finally hit me
what was really going on.

- What are you talking about?
- The oil on the dance floor.

That was no accident. You put it there.
You wanted Candy to fall.

- That's ridiculous.
- Admit it.

You were jealous of that girl from
the moment Karl walked in with her.

Orson, you're not making any sense.
Why would I be jealous of Karl's date?

Because she was dancing with me,
of course.

I suppose I should be mad at you
for nearly breaking my neck,

- but I'm too relieved.
- Relieved?

Yes, if watching me dance with
a pretty girl can make you that crazy,

then you obviously still care for me.
There's still hope for us.

Orson, you are reading way too much
into one impulsive act.

Oh, argue all you like.

A woman doesn't pull a stunt like that
over a man she's not in love with.

Karl, hi, it's Bree.

I'm thinking maybe I'm ready
for that weekend in Las Vegas.

Hi, Mrs. Bolen, I'm a friend of Danny's
from school. Is he in?

- You got a name?
- Sorry. Eddie.

Danny! There's an Eddie here.

It's a nice house.
You know what happened here, right?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

What are you going to do?

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, my brakes are shot.

Is there any chance
you could take a look at them?

Nah, I don't feel like it, Eddie.

Come on. You've been
moping around the house all day.

Go! Help your buddy.

I'm glad
one of us has a friend.

I was at the supermarket earlier,

everybody was looking at me like I had
their grandmother in my trunk.

Yeah, and while you were out,
three hate calls in one hour.

I don't know. I'm starting to think it's
time to get out of the Bolen business.


We cannot change our names and run
every time there's a little trouble.

This is more than a little trouble, babe.

I don't care. We're not putting
Danny through all that again.

Maybe this hasn't worked out the way
we'd hoped.

But until I say otherwise,
we are Nick and Angie Bolen.

Hey, can you go into the basement
and get me a work light?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Got a second?


I'm really sorry
about what happened to Julie.

Thanks. Actually, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I didn't hurt her, Mrs. Delfino.

But you did fight with her.
I mean, Mrs. McCluskey saw you.

What were you fighting with her about?

I'm sorry, that lawyer told me

that I shouldn't talk to anybody
about this stuff.

I know that Julie thought
she was pregnant.

- What?
- You didn't think I knew that, right?

- Is that what you fought about?
- Wait, no...

- Is that why you attacked my daughter?
- No, I didn't even know that.

- You're lying!
- No, I'm not.

- You're lying!
- Please, just leave me alone.

Hey! What are you doing?

I know that you did it!
I can see it in your eyes!

- Mom! Dad! Help me!
- Just admit that you did it!

- Admit it! Admit it to me!
- Mrs. Delfino, please!

- Hey! Get the hell away from him!
- Are you going to attack me?

- Hey!
- What the hell is wrong with you?

He did it! You know that he...

Ma! Careful!

You come near him again,
I swear I will kill you!

You can't protect him forever.
People know what he is now.

And he is going to be punished.

Come on. Come on.


What the hell happened to my car?

Hi, Uncle Carlos. Your clients are here.
I put them at our best table.

Thank you, sweetie.

- Lynette...
- Yeah?

Are you sure about this?

About being senior VP
with a 50% salary bump? Yeah.

But did you hear the way
he described the job in the car?

I mean, it sounds like a killer schedule.

I can handle it.
And you get to stay in school.

Remember your big dream, our future?

Of course. But how are we
going to keep it a secret?

Carlos is going to find out
about this thing eventually.

By then, I will have proved
I can do the job, pregnant or not.

- Please.
- Okay, I'm in.

But you got to prove it fast.

Remember the last time
you were pregnant with twins,

every part of you swelled up.

It was like sleeping next to a body
they dragged out of a river.

- You said I was beautiful.
- I had to. You were twice my size.

This is a 2004 Barolo from my vineyard
in Piedmont.

Your vineyard?

Yeah, that's why
I insisted on this restaurant.

They carry my label.
I love business, but wine is my passion.

Oh, none for me tonight.

Why not?

Well, I want to keep my head clear
for business.

No. No business talk.

Tonight is about
getting to know each other

over good food and fine wine.

Yeah, Lynette. His wine. So, drink up.

Well, I guess a little wouldn't hurt.

There, very nice.

So, Vic,

what do you suggest
to go with your wine?

Let me see...

Oh, the carpaccio sounds
like a nice starter.

Wow, Lynette. You liked it, huh?

- It was delicious.
- Lucky for you it's a big vineyard.

Thank you.

Oh, look! One of the Pointer Sisters!

Sorry. It was just a nun.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

- Gabby, what the hell?
- I know. I'm sorry I'm late.

I mean your clothes.

Didn't I see that shirt
in the hamper this morning?

I gave it a sniff, it has another day in it.

Gabby, this is an important
business dinner.

Yeah, but it's also
John Rowland's restaurant.

If I made myself pretty, you might think
I was doing it just for him.

God help me. Is that what this is about?

Well, I didn't want to run the risk
of failing another test.

Okay, Gabby, go change.
You made your point.

Not quite.

For the past 11 years,
I have stood beside you

when you were poor and blind
and knocked me up twice.

At this point in our marriage,
if you still feel the need to test me,

then you're the one who has failed.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Thank you. And for the record,

I only took my clip off
and shook out my hair

because I ran into somebody I knew.

I would've done it
if it was Lynette Scavo. Okay?


So, do you think
you can go home and...

Don't worry. I have clothes
and makeup in the car.

Good. Because that shirt
did not have another day in it.


Who is this? What is your name?

You got a big mouth
for a guy with no name.

No, no, no, you listen to me!
You come anywhere near my family,

I will personally bash your
brains in. Assuming you have any!

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

Just another moron
with some empty threats.

And what if they're not empty?

Do you know where your father and I
keep the gun?


No, look, you're old enough
to know this stuff.

Just in case someone should try
to come in here and hurt you...

I can take care of myself.

Well, just in case
you can't take care of yourself,

there's a loaded
.38 Smith & Wesson

in a box in the second drawer
of my dresser. You got that?

- What are you smiling at?
- It's just...

It's not your typical
mother-son conversation.

You know I've always felt bad
about the way we've had to raise you.

Being on the run and all.

If it weren't for me,
you could have had a normal childhood.

Ma, you don't ever have to apologize
to me.

I'm glad you're not like other moms.

Thanks, baby.
I just want to be a good one.

Remember, aim for the head,
not the legs.

So, Patti comes downstairs,
and sitting under the Christmas tree

is the cutest golden retriever puppy
you ever saw.

It was the best present I ever got.


- Do you like dogs, Lynette?
- I love them!

But Penny is allergic, so we got fish.

Fish suck. Swim, die, flush, new one.

Swim, die, flush, new one.

You know what dog I'd really like,
is the Rammerwiener.

- Weimaraner.
- A Weimandhammer.

- Weimaraner.
- Rammerjammer.

Lynette, make him stop.

Gabby, you know what?
I want to tell you something,

but I'm afraid
it's going to come out wrong.

Your boobs look great in that dress.

Wow. Tom, how could that possibly
come out wrong?

- You'd be surprised.
- Well, you'll have to excuse Tom.

He's a bit of a lightweight, and your
wine is so delicious he couldn't resist.

But look at you. You've had at least
a bottle and you would never know.

- You might as well finish this off.
- No, no, no!

If she has one more glass,
I'm going to puke.

I just talked to Bob.

- Why would you do that?
- He asked me to stop by.

Because he wanted to tell me
that the police have evidence

that clears Danny Bolen.


They've got a shot from
a security camera at Fairview Liquors

that puts him there
at the time Julie was attacked.

- How would they know that?
- There's a time stamp.

They don't know the exact time
of the attack.

The camera shows him
sitting in the parking lot

drinking beer for over an hour.

He couldn't have done it.

I can't believe this.

That means that Julie's attacker
is still out there.

And I've been going up and down
the street

telling everybody
that Danny Bolen did it.

Your daughter was hurt.

You wanted somebody to blame.
People get that.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm sure
the Bolens will understand.

No, not just to them, to you.

What are you talking about?

Well, you woke up the morning
after your wedding

and found yourself married
to a mad woman.

I've been just totally obsessed
with finding Julie's attacker. And...

I said "for better or worse."

So, we start with the worse.

Wow, I'm glad this night's over.
I'm exhausted.

Yeah, me, too.

- You coming to bed?
- I'll be up in a sec.

I'm going to turn off some lights.

On this street,
the day begins with a cup of coffee.

Some drink it while recalling a lover
they once cared for.

Some pour it thinking of the boss
they must lie to.

Others sip it contemplating
a man they might be in love with.

But for one woman
on this particular morning,

that cup of coffee has to wait.

Because she discovers
a neighbor in trouble.

She goes to help not only because
it's the right thing to do,

but because it's the only way
she can think of to ask for forgiveness.

And once it is given, the day begins.