Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 6, Episode 13 - How About a Friendly Shrink? - full transcript

Tom is happy to vent his marital frustrations in therapy, including a secret diary. Lynette, who refused joint counseling, is jealous and feels threatened enough to verbally attack Tom's therapist. Danny surprises his worried mother no less then potential dates by his choice. Orson and Bree play hardball in a fight for respect. Principal Hobson's careful method to classify pupils progress in each subject by assigning them to animal-named groups is badly tested when Susan and Gaby try to crack the code hoping for bragging rights if their kids is ahead.

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Principal Hobson just called
and Juanita got accepted to Oakridge.

There was acceptance...

I like the blunt Ana
more than the cute Ana.

So, you think I'm cute?

...a plea...

You have to let me help you or I'm...

Or you won't get into heaven?

...a breakdown...

Did you stab yourself?

I have to get to Mike!

...and a confrontation.

I don't know how you feel, Lynette,
because you never talk about it.

We lost a kid.

How can saying this out loud
be helpful?

If you want to throw
a successful dinner party,

there are certain rules
that must be followed.

If the good silver is used,
it must be polished.

If music is played,
the volume should be low.

If the guests bring wine,
it must be served.

And if the evening
is to be truly successful,

there must be a toast.

To Lee.
This dinner has been a total triumph.

- Thanks, thanks.
- Bob...

And it's not over yet.
I made a fruit tart for dessert.


And in case any of you are diabetic,
let me just say,

it was nice knowing you.

No, seriously,
this is how we lost his cousin.

Hey, Bob,
where's the whipped cream?

Oh, I totally forgot.

I was on my phone
and I drove right past the store.

Of course.
Because it's something that I needed.

I was working all day.

If it was that important,
why didn't you just go out and get it?

I work, too. Selling houses is work.

He's sold one house in six months.


What... What's that?

My feelings journal.

Lee and I are seeing this counselor.

She has us write down our negative
feelings to discuss in our sessions.

Seems like you've got
a lot of feelings there, Lee.

That's volume three,

with an entire chapter about me
forgetting to put down the toilet seat.

I thought that would be
the one advantage

with two guys living together.

You'd think.

Well, the good news is that you're...
You're getting help.

We should think
about seeing someone.

- What?
- You know, to help us with our stuff.

- Can we talk about our stuff later?
- We could, but you won't.

She never wants to talk.

You know how I feel about therapy.
It's for weak, indulgent...

Straight people.
You guys totally make it work.

I used to feel the same way
about therapy.

But this lady, she's really great.

Volume three?

Can't we give it a try?

I don't need someone telling me
how I feel, okay?

So could we just drop it?

And the number one rule
for a successful dinner party...

After dessert, let's karaoke!

Keep discussion of your marriage
to an absolute minimum.

Dr. Brent Avedon
was the head of Psychology

at the Fairview Health Center.

He spent his days
treating anti-social adolescents,

delusional dowagers

and bipolar businessmen.

But lately his most interesting patient
was a housewife

who'd had a nervous breakdown.

I was just so lonely.

And then one day,
along came this wonderful man,

a man who made me laugh,
who gave me hope again,

and who turned out to be
in love with someone else.

So I went back to being lonely.

Only it was worse now,
because he wasn't really gone.

He was across the street

holding her hand, laughing with her.

So, one day

I pretended, just for a second,

that it wasn't her hand he was holding,

it was mine.


And that's how the fantasies started?

When I was hurting, I would let myself
imagine that he was there with me.

But then those moments

started to mean more to me
than what was real.

So I just let myself have them.

I let them take over.

What about now? Do you feel
that the medication is helping you?

Well, I certainly have a firmer grasp
on reality now.

I can see things, for the first time
in a long while, very clearly.

That's great.

No, not really.

Because now I can see
what I've done to my life.


how I've ruined it.

Okay, Orson,
it's time for me to give you your bath.

Not now.

Orson, you haven't bathed
in over a week.

Now, I don't want to do this
anymore than you do,

but, frankly, you're getting a little ripe.

I said I don't want a bath.

Well, it's not about
what you want anymore.

It's a matter of preserving the drapes.

To have another human being
bathe me is humiliating.


- What's this?
- A list of things I need at the store.

I just went to the store for you
an hour ago. Can't it wait?

No, I need these items immediately.
It's urgent.

Orson, how are corn nuts urgent?

I'm sorry, Bree.

I just thought that since you played
a major part in putting me in this chair,

you'd want to play a small part
in making my new life tolerable.

Give me the list.

Better yet, leave it
on the table and then back away.

- Hey, Teach.
- Hi.

I just dropped off Juanita
for her first day. She's a little nervous.

She's going to love it here.
The teachers are great.

So, what animal is she?

Excuse me?

They test the kids, and they place
them in groups according to their level.

In math, there's leopards,
chipmunks, giraffes.

It should be in her folder.

She's a leopard.


- What's MJ?
- He's a giraffe.

So, which is the advanced group?

No one knows. They won't even tell me.

Principal Hobson feels
that if the parents find out,

they'll freak and get all competitive.

Well, that's crazy.
Who cares?


Leopards are the morons, aren't they?

No, I didn't say that.

Yeah, you did.

When I asked about MJ,
you were like, "He's a giraffe!"

And then I said Juanita was a leopard,
and you were like, "Oh."

You're just jumping to conclusions.

You know something. Spill it.

Okay, I don't know for sure.

But I teach these kids,
and it's pretty obvious.

We were making papier m?ch? globes.

This is Rachel Miller.

- Damn, that's good.
- She's a giraffe.

And this is Wendy Benson.

- Okay.
- Chipmunk.

And this one was made
by Adam Hunter, a leopard.

My God, it looks like
an actual leopard made it.

There's nothing wrong
with being a leopard.

They're very important here.

They move the cafeteria tables,
excellent door holders.

This isn't fair.

Gabby, we have a saying around here,
"It's the pace, not the race."

I know my daughter. She is all giraffe.
I'm going to go talk to the principal.

You don't push, you...

Sorry. My daughter wasn't here
to hold it for me.

- Jeez, Lynette.
- Dinner's ready, go wash up.

What is that?

It's nothing. It's... It's personal.

- Personal?
- Yes.

And I think it's important that
we respect each other's boundaries.

This morning you walked in and sat
on the toilet while I shaved my legs.

We have no boundaries.

- Attacking.
- What?

You sound just like Bob and...
Oh, my God, is that a feelings journal?

If you must know, yes, it is.
I started seeing their therapist.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I wanted to talk to someone,
and I didn't need your ridicule.

Are you talking about the baby?

It started out about that.
But now we're on to other things.

Other things, you mean, like me?

I might've mentioned you once or twice.

Once or twice? Uh-huh.

I bet if we downed a shot
every time we read the name "Lynette,"

we'd be hammered by page two.

- Let me see that.
- No, no, no way.

But if you're really interested
in what's in here,

you can always join me in therapy.

Like hell.


Then I guess you'll just
have to wait for the movie.

Here we go.

Thanks again for having me.
This all looks delicious.

Well, it's your first night over.

I wanted to make you
a traditional Italian meal.

- Rigatoni with sausage, chicken parm...
- Just salad would be great.

Screw the salad.
That came out of a bag.

This rigatoni came from my heart.

To be honest, I don't eat carbs.

But you'll make an exception tonight,

because I've been sweating
over the stove all day.

Ma, let it go. She's watching her weight.

Her weight?

If I put the air conditioner on high,
it'll blow her across the room.

I just have to be careful.

As soon as I graduate high school,
I'm going to New York to be a model.

Oh. No college?

Are you kidding?
And miss my prime modeling years?

What? I think it's great.
Takes guts to follow a dream.

Yeah, it's great,
but it'd be nice to have something

other than the porn industry
to fall back on.


Well, I'm not saying
that's gonna happen.

But, you know, a lot of models
do end up that way.

I know it's risky,
but I'm really passionate about this.

And I think that the best way
to be successful in life

is to do what you're passionate about.

That's why I keep telling Danny
to pursue his poetry.

- Poetry?
- Yeah, it's amazing, right?

I wouldn't know. I'm too busy
cooking food nobody's going to eat.

Danny, why didn't you
ever show me your poetry?

- It's no big deal.
- Danny, it's great.

I keep telling him he should
come to New York with me

so he can really focus on his writing.

Wow, a model and a poet.

So, while you're doing porn,
he can make the dialogue rhyme.

This is why I don't tell her stuff.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to make a joke.

Let's get back to dinner, huh?

No, I'm good. Carbs.


I'll be out running errands today,

so you'll have to let the physical
therapist in when she arrives.


- What's wrong?
- There's no strawberries.

You know I like strawberries
with my waffles.

I am sorry. They're right here.
There you go, strawberries.


I need whipped cream.

Unless you think the strawberries

are going to magically stick
to the waffles by themselves.

Not so fast.

- Say "please."
- I will not. Now give me my breakfast.

Orson, I am happy to do
whatever you ask,

but I will not be treated like a slave.
Now, say "please."

Now that I look at your waffle,

I understand why you're so eager
to have it.


You know the magic word.
It has six letters.

I know a word that has three.

If you don't give me my food,
I'm gonna shove that fork up it.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

You can have it
when you're ready to be polite.

Mr. Hobson,
my daughter is incredibly bright.

I just need to know
if she's in the advanced classes.

You know that we have a policy
not to disclose that.

You don't have to say anything.

Just blink when I mention
the smart group. Leopard.

- Mrs. Solis...
- Wait, was that a blink or a twitch?

I can't tell. You seem very nervous.

You see, this is
exactly why we don't tell the parents.

They start behaving irrationally.

And stop trying to read things
on my desk upside down.

What is the big deal?

I just need to know if my daughter
is going to succeed in life.

She's seven.

Now, I suggest that you stop prying
and just be proud of her,

no matter what group she's in.

I am proud of her. And I don't pry.

By the way,
enjoy your colonoscopy on the 16th.


Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm just having a nice get-to-know-you
chat with the principal.

Who are your friends?

This is Wendy and Rachel.
We're in math together.

Oh. Wait a minute,
I think I saw your art projects.

Wendy, you're a chipmunk, right?
And, Rachel, you're a giraffe?


You know what I would love to do

is take a picture
with Juanita and her friends.

And you know what'd be really cute

is if you hold up your math homework.

Got it.

But I wasn't smiling.

Yeah, well, it's a tough world out there,
not much to smile about.

Have a great day.

Your mom's weird.

You have no idea.

Orson? I'm letting myself in.

Time for your therapy.

Help me.



Dear Lord! Orson, what happened?

Joyce, well, I was trying
to get those waffles,

and I fell out of my chair.

Well, what are they doing up there?

Starving him? That's ridiculous.

Really? So you don't torment him
by putting food out of his reach?

Well, you kind of
had to be there for that.

Could someone please
get me a piece of bread?

Orson, for God's sake, stop that!

Please, hit me in the legs this time.
There's no feeling there.

Mrs. Hodge, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?

Look, you have to believe me.
I would never hit my husband.

I sensed him being a little dramatic.
But withholding food?

The whole thing started
because he refused to say "please."

Which I know sounds rather petty,
but you have to understand.

- He has been impossible lately.
- The man is facing life in a wheelchair.

He's mad at the world,
and unfortunately,

he's taking it out on you.

Look, I know this is not easy.

But until he comes to accept this,

you're going to have to figure out
how to be more patient.

And if you can't,
it's my obligation to report it.

And give the man a bath.

Physical therapy
shouldn't require gloves.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You weren't home when they tried
to deliver this, so I signed for it.

Yeah, we just... We had...
Saw an ad for...

- Honest to God, don't need to know.
- Good.

Wow. Look.

Looks like somebody
got a new girlfriend.

Yeah, not for long. I do not approve.

Ah. You don't approve,
and she's got a body

that would make the Pope walk through
a sliding glass door.

- Gosh, who's going to win?
- He is my kid.

If I don't think she is good for him,
I will do whatever I have to do.

Which will drive him
towards her and away from you.

Look, I know what it's like when a mom
hates the hottie her son loves.

Bob's mom hated me.

Huh. I always thought
that Bob was the hot...

The point is, she overplayed her hand
and made Bob choose between us.

And the long story short,
I'm cuddling up with Bob every night,

and where's Mama?

Nursing home. How'd she get there?
Don't know. Can't remember.

It's just I don't know this girl,
and I, I don't know if I can trust her.

Well, then you better get to know her.

I'd hate to see you lose your son
because you're afraid to share him.

Get out of here.

Carlos, did you get the pictures
I sent you?

You're as beautiful as the day we met.
Time hasn't touched you at all.

Not of me. Of the math homework.

- What?
- Here.

This assignment looks easy, doesn't it?

Pretty basic, yeah.

Okay, and look at this one,
with the multiplication.

- A little more complicated, right?
- I guess.

And this one.

Word problems, fractions.

- This is the hardest one, isn't it?
- Looks like it. So?

Carlos, this is the leopard's homework.

- Well, that cleared that up.
- No, don't you get it?

Our daughter is a leopard.
She's in the advanced class.

Hey, good for her.

Oh, and poor Susan.

Yeah. Why?

Well, she was convinced
that MJ's brilliant,

and it turns out he's in the slow group.

I would hate for her to find out.

- Gabby, you are not telling her.
- Why not?

She didn't have any trouble telling me

she thought Juanita
was one thermos short of a lunch box.

- She said that?
- Yes, with her tone.


Well, we've had enough drama with
the neighbors lately, so just drop it.

Fine, I'll drop it.
But just so you know, I like you better

when you're reading the newspaper,
pretending to listen.

Sure, take whatever you need.

What are you doing here?
I told them I don't want any visitors.

Who says I'm visiting?
Maybe I'm bonkers, too.

You gonna eat the applesauce?

Remember when my gout flared up
and I couldn't walk?

And you used to come over to see me?

- I figured I owe you.
- Debt paid. Goodbye.

I see you got
your charming personality back.

So, when are you gonna
be coming back home?

What makes you think
I would ever come back?

After what I did to those people? No.
They hate me.

Take it from the reigning odd duck
on the Lane,

nobody cares about all that silly stuff.

Oh, you're right.
Bree and I can just laugh, laugh, laugh

about silly me nearly destroying
her business.

And I'll tell Susan
that I was just joshing

- about trying to wreck her marriage.
- Okay, okay...

And I'll bet Mike is still chuckling
about me getting him thrown in jail.

Will you listen?

Kathy, I'm serious.

I'm willing to bet there's more
forgiveness there than you imagine.

- In that case, you know what?
- What?

Maybe you are bonkers.

Hey, hon, look who's here.

Hey, Susan. What's up?

I was going through some of MJ's stuff,

and I found these math workbooks
from last year.

I thought Juanita
would find them helpful.



Thank you.

No problem.
I thought it might help her catch up.

Catch up?

Yeah, you know,
from when she was out of school.

She was never out of school.
I was homeschooling her.

And I know you did the best you could.

But now she has professional teachers,

and I bet she's gonna catch up to MJ
in no time.

Get her.

Well, Susan,
by the way, did you hear?

Leopards are the advanced students.

- What?
- Yeah, it's true.

Chipmunks are average, and giraffes...

Well, those cafeteria tables
aren't going to move themselves.

How do you know this?

I got a copy of each group's homework.
Trust me. I cracked the code.

So that means that MJ's not in the...

Hey, but you said it yourself,
it's no big deal.

- "It's the pace, not the race," right?
- Right.

And please,
don't say anything to anyone.

You know how competitive
some parents can get.

Yeah. All too well.

I'm finished.
Can I have my milk and cookies now?

Sure, sweetie.

You have some pasta stuck
to the right side of your face.

No, sweetie, your right.

Oh, never mind.

Hey, guys.

Mike, can you help me
take out the trash?

- Sure.
- Never mind that!

Okay, so he's a giraffe.

You know, there's nothing wrong
with being average.

No, chipmunks are average.
How many times do I have to tell you?

Leopards. Chipmunks. Giraffes.

I love him so much. Mike, what if he's


He's not slow. He's a smart,
inquisitive, bright little boy.

Oh, no.

He's got his hand stuck in the glass.

Come on, buddy.
Go on, just hold the glass.

Pull with the other hand.

You can do it.

Come on, MJ.



- See? You were worried about nothing.
- You're right.

Oh, no. He's heading toward the toaster
with a fork!

- Honey
- Yeah?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- I'm heading out.
- Okay. You want to grab lunch today?

Maybe tomorrow. I have a thing.

If you mean therapy,
why not just say "therapy"?

I just didn't want to get into a fight,
that's all.

Hey, won't you need this?

Right. Thanks.

Don't you want to know if I read it?

Oh, I'd know if you read it.

Excuse me,
are you waiting for Dr. Graham?

Don't tell me she double-booked again?

Oh, no. I don't have an appointment.

But I really need to talk to her,
so can I have yours?

I don't know.
I really need to talk to her, too.

Because I was looking at you thinking,

"What is he doing here?
That guy's really got it together."

Thanks, but I've been having
a pretty hard time lately.

- I'll give you 200 bucks.
- Cash?

Twenties okay?

So, what were you going
to talk to her about?

I'm starting to feel the urge
to gamble again. Thanks.

Mr. Jameson?

He had to go. But he said
I could have his appointment.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that.

If you're interested
in becoming a patient...

I'm not. I'm Mrs. Tom Scavo.

Yep. That's what I thought.

Well, I don't blame you
for reacting like that.

I can only imagine the stories

Tom's been reading to you
from his big book of...

So, here I am.

Tom Scavo's bitch of a wife,
in the flesh.

Why do you put it like that?

I don't know specifically
what word he uses.

I'm just picking the one
that seems the most likely.

So you think your husband
describes you as a bitch?

Doesn't he?

What Tom says in this room is private.

Which means "yes."

Well, obviously it does to you.
I'm just wondering why that might be.

Oh, I see what you're trying to do.
But I did not come here for therapy.

I came here to defend myself.

Because there's two sides
to every story.

So, you're not a bitch?

Not all the time, no.

But sometimes?

I just need...

Want to feel like I'm in control.

And when I don't, that makes me mad.

And maybe I'm mad a lot,
because I don't know if you've noticed,

but you can't control
what happens in life.

Like your baby dying?

I'm gonna sit down.
But only because I'm tired.

- Unless you need to go or something.
- No, I don't need to go anywhere.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your day?

- Is that a...
- Yep.

Looks like we'll be going
to therapy together.

Really? That is great news. Thank you.

Where's dinner?

I mean, you were home all day.

- What are you writing?
- You'll find out Tuesday at 12:30.

Colleen, can I talk to you?

I've got parent-teacher conferences,
but not for a few minutes.

What's up?

It's about MJ.
How's he doing in your math class?

Oh, he's such a joy.

God, you just did the "he's such a joy"
with the head tilt.

I give that one to parents all the time
when I think their kid is driftwood.

No, seriously, MJ's doing great.

Really? Well, if he's doing so great,
why is he a giraffe?


He should be a leopard.
They're the advanced students.

- You don't know that.
- I do now! Gabby Solis broke the code.

- What?
- That's right.

Giraffes are the slow learners
and you know it.

Giraffes are the slow learners?

No, no, no, Mrs. Chapman.
No one said that.

Why don't you wait for me
in my classroom?

Gabrielle Solis figured out the code.
Leopards. Chipmunks. Giraffes.

Jenny, we got the code.
Leopards are the smart ones!

Now look at what you've done.

MJ is here. He's leopard! Get used to it.

Where have you been?
I need you to close the door.

Well, I thought a little fresh air
would be nice.

It isn't.

Well, as the person
who has to share a house

with the person who won't take a bath,
I need the fresh air.

I don't care. Close it.

Orson, I know that you are angry
at the world right now.

What happened to you
is unimaginable.

And I'm going to do whatever I can
to help you through this.

And all I ask in return is that
you treat me with a little bit of courtesy.

And that includes
using the word "please."

Why the sudden interest
in etiquette, Bree?

I mean, I don't recall you saying
"please" before you cheated on me.

This conversation is over.
The door stays open.

- I want it closed.
- No. You stink.

And you're a whore.
Here's the difference, I can get clean.

Yes, you can.

What are you doing?

What is going on?
I'm not even dressed.

What is that? What is that?
What's going on?

Bree! Stop...

You wouldn't.

Stop it. Bree, stop it! Stop it! Bree!

If only there was a word you could use
to get me to stop. Like "please."

I'm calling Joyce!

- Say "please!"
- Go to hell!

Why can't you just say it? It's easy.

Please, please, please!
Please, please, please.

Please! Stop! Please, stop it!
Please! Stop!

Please roll me over, please help me
off the toilet, please, please, please!

That's the life I'm facing now!

Having to ask people for help
for everything!

Do you know how hard that is?

Every morning I wake up at 5:00.
You get up at 6:30.

For an hour and a half, I lie there
staring at the bedroom door,

fantasizing about how lovely
it would be,

how excruciatingly lovely it would be

to get up and make myself
a cup of tea one last time.

No "please," just hot water and tea.

Orson, I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.


- What are you in for?
- Eating paste.

- What animal group are you?
- Giraffe.


Joey Murphy?

I'll be with you two in a moment.

Sorry for getting you in trouble.

It's my own fault. I got carried away.

Me, too.

It was just so important to me
that Juanita was doing well.

I know.

No, I don't think you do.

My kids are my calling card.

They're what I have to show for myself.

I don't have a career, Susan.
My kids are my job.

And whatever happens,
if they succeed or they don't succeed,

it's because of how I raised them.

Well, at least you get to raise them.

Ever since I took this job,
I feel like I'm never with MJ.

I constantly worry. Am I there enough
for him? Am I letting him down?

You don't have anything
to worry about. MJ's a fantastic kid.

Well, so is Juanita.

It's their moms
that are the competitive nuts.

Yeah. This has been so ridiculous.

Leopards and giraffes and chipmunks.
I mean, who created this crazy system?

You know,
the reading class is just as bad.

There's otters, penguins and seals.

Yeah, Juanita's an otter.

I mean, what does an otter have to do
with learning how to read?

- Juanita's an otter?
- Yeah.

- Why? What's MJ?
- Penguin.


This is pretty. What do you think?

I think maybe I'd buy it for my grandma,
if I hated her.

You're so funny.

So, as much fun as we're having here,
why are we doing this?

We are getting to know each other.


You know me. And you don't like me.

It's not that I don't like you.

It's just I don't think
you're good for Danny.

Why? Because I wouldn't eat
your pasta?


And no.

It's because you are a good-time girl
out to have fun.

And not that I blame you for it.
You're young, you're beautiful.

You're supposed to have fun.

But Danny has been through a lot,

and he needs someone
who is not gonna hurt him.

I know Danny has been through
rough stuff.

When he lashes out and gets
all defensive, trying to protect himself,

I get it. Because I used to do it, too.


It's the thing that made me like him.
I know how he feels.

And it's not fun at all.

I don't care if you like me.
And I don't care if you hate how I dress.

But I am not going to hurt Danny.

How can I be sure of that?

You can't.

But it doesn't matter,
because I'm not going anywhere.

What are you doing back here?

I've been thinking about
what you said last time.

More I thought about it,
the more it pissed me off.

Why's that?

The people on that street
have been your friends for years.

You really think
we would dump your ass

just 'cause you went off the deep end
for some months?

I appreciate your coming here. I do.

But after everything I did, I don't see
how anyone could forgive me.

Well, we're not saying
it'll be easy.

But we'll give it a try.

I told them how much better
you were doing,

but they couldn't take my word for it.

So they had to see for themselves.

Hey, sweetie.

In our darkest moments,
we all need someone who will listen.

Some turn to friendly professionals.

A few rely on those
who are older and wiser.

Others seek out someone
who knows what they're going through.

But for most of us,
nothing is quite so therapeutic

as a good long talk
with a few old friends.