Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 6, Episode 1 - Nice Is Different Than Good - full transcript

Previously on...

Carlos' niece arrived.

We want you to be part
of this family,

But you will obey
our rules.

Lynette and Tom
got big news.

We're gonna have
another baby.
Twins.

You would actually send
your wife to prison?

My wife--No.
My ex-Wife--You bet.

Orson resorted to blackmail.

I think you're
the most fascinating woman

That I have ever met.
And karl made his move.



Katherine's marriage to mike...

That woman I was with--
Tell her I had to go.

It's an emergency.
Was put on hold.

You guys are in danger.
Get out of that car.

Get away from dave.

And when the dust settled,
wedding bells rang

For someone.

The veil was made
from the finest silk.

The garter was trimmed
with handmade lace.

The shoes were designed
by the top couturier in milan.

You see,

The bride wanted only the best
for her wedding day

Because she was about to marry
the best man in the world...

For the second time.



How do you feel?
Like the worst person in the world.

Don't do this
to yourself.

Katherine is never gonna
forgive me for this.

Mom, this is your day.

You and mike were meant
to be together.

Wish me luck.

Then by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you

Husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yes, the bride wanted

The best wedding
money could buy.

But as she left the altar,
it suddenly occurred to her...

Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?

She should've spent more
on security.

It's not hard
to find sin in the suburbs.

Just look behind closed doors.

That's where
you'll find your neighbors

Cheating on their taxes...

And drinking too much vodka...

And stealing
their father's magazines.

Yes, the suburbs are filled
with sinners,

Some of who occasionally...
repent.

We can't do this.

It's adultery.

Luckily, we're both adults.

Mmm. Stop! I'm married.

Yes,o a man
who's blackmailing you.

Don't you think making love
to your divorce lawyer

Would be a nifty way
to get back at him?

Mmm.

Oh, karl. No. No!

No.
What now?

If I'm gonna
break a commandment,

I don't want it to be
for a quickie on this couch.

Who said quickie? I've got
40 minutes before my 10:00.

And thou shalt get sweaty.
I wanna do this. I do.
But not here.

I need to feel special.

But you are special.

Are you saying

You've never made love
to another woman on this couch?

Not a special woman.

Okay.
All right.

I get it. I get it.

I want this to be nice for you.
I'll find us a hotel.

Call me later when you've
set something up.

Done.

Ahem.

And just so we're clear,
this visit was not billable.

Morning. I'm late for school.
I don't have time for breakfast.

At least take a muffin.

Thank you, uncle Carlos.

Kind of warm for a sweatshirt,
isn't it?

Oh, it gets really cold
in the classroom.

Mm. Stop.

Lift it up.
Gaby.

Girls who spend an hour
on makeup

Do not wear baggy sweatshirts.
Lift it.

Well, that oughta
heat up the classroom.

Go and change.
Gaby, what is your problem?

All the girls in my class
dress like this.

That's why your school nurse
is an obstetrician.

Wear something else.
Fine. I'll borrow
one of your tops.

It might be exciting

For it to go someplace
besides the supermarket.

Oh, snap!

Hey, you I can hit.

Do you see
what I have to put up with?

It was just a shirt.
Yeah?

And when she came home past
curfew, it was just 40 minutes.

And when she took money
from my purse, it was just $5.

Why do you always
make excuses for her?
She's had a sad life.

Her mom's in jail.
Her dad walked out.

Yeah, yeah, she's one dead dog
away from a country song.

I don't care.
Well...

Maybe she would calm down

If she felt
a little more secure here.
I'm not signing those papers.

We need to be
her legal guardians.
And look after her
for the next two years? No.

Until I see a change
in her behavior,

I'm keeping
all my options open.

Is this better?

Yes. Very nice.
Thank you.

Stop.

Mmm. What do I smell?

Despair. Mortality.
Paralyzing fear.

Oh. I thought
it was waffles.

Do you realize that when
these twins finish high school,

I'll be in my 60s?

No.

No, you'll be
in your, uh...

Huh.

At their graduation,

I will be the crazy old lady
with oatmeal on her chin.

Look, I know
this wasn't planned,

But we--We can do this.

I mean, we had a lot of fun
raising the first four kids.

But we were done, Tom.
We were across the finish line.

No more diapers.

No more strained carrots.

No more reading
stupid "goodnight, moon"!
Lynette--

And with preston
going to europe,

We even had
one moving out!

We will never be done

If we birth two
every time one moves out!

That's just math!

Eight and half months to go.

Yay.

Are you all right?

You know what's funny?

I was never able
to picture us old together,

Sitting on the porch,
gray hair.

I tried,

But I could never see it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Katherine,
you don't have to--
Mike, please.

I don't need
another reminder of you.

So... how'd it go?
How was she?

She was... okay.

"Okay"? What does that mean?

I mean, did you tell her
everything?

Did you tell her
we're getting married?

Yeah. I think she's trying
to take the high road.

The high road? Um, as in,
"I wish you and Susan the best"?

Or the high road as in,
"when I cut Susan's brake line,

She'll careen
off the high road"?

Well, she knows it's over,
and she's dealing with it.

Mm, that must have been
really hard for you.

Yeah, it was.
Mm.

But now that she knows, it'll be
easier when you talk to her.

Me talk to her?

Uh, why? Why? Why?

I--You're the one
who was dating her,

I'm--I just...
I don't...

I think we're good now.

Honey, you're gonna have
to deal with her at some point.

Fine. Yes, I will. I will.

Um, just, uh, not today,
'cause today julie's coming home

And, uh... you know,
I wanna get her settled in.

So... what about tomorrow?

Ooh, that's not good either,

'Cause julie and I are gonna
pick out my wedding dress.

You live right
across the street from her.

You can't avoid her
for the next 50 years.

Well, not 50.

Just till
she's too old to throw things.

Don't worry about it.

I think Katherine's
really gonna surprise you.

All of the windows are
triple pane energy efficient.

Oh, and I should mention
the hardwood floors were

Completely redone recently.
Black walnut.

It's nice.

So do you have
any questions for me?

Nah, I think you pretty much
got it covered.

Really? Check me out!

I'm--I'm new at this. I just got
my broker's license last week.

Congratulations.

It's a pretty nice house
for your first listing.

I got really lucky.
The woman who handled

The properties
in the neighborhood--

She slammed her car into a pole
and got fried by a power line.

Like I said, congrats.

Uh, mrs. Bolen's
been awfully quiet.

So what do you think?
Me? I'm thinkin'
you're full of crap.

I'm sorry?

Well, the fact that
we can afford this place

Says to
something is wrong with it.

So, uh, start talkin'.

Mold? Termites? Leaky roof?

Honestly, I have told you
everything that I know.

Sure, you could play it
like that.

But if we do buy this place
and it turns into a money pit,

I'm gonna need to
take my anger out on someone.

Like maybe the realtor
who made a big deal

Out of telling us he lives
right across the street?

Okay, well, I don't know

That this is
actually considered a flaw,

But a while ago, uh,
the lady who was living here--

She was apparently going
through kind of a tough time,

And long story short,
she committed suicide.

Shot herself...

In--In the head.

In this room.

That's it?

Well, yeah.

We'll take it.

Really? Oh, that is so...
that is--

Okay, I'll just--I'll just
get the paperwork.

It's a nice place.

I think we could
be happy here.

Right, danny?

Why are you asking me?

I didn't want to move here.

Oh, honey.

Whose fault was that?

Julie! Look at you!

Oh, angie, these are incredible.
What do you call 'em again?

Pizzelles. Come on, eat up.
I made six dozen.

My grandmother's recipes
were always for 30 people.

Trust me, she'd fatten
you four up in a week.

These go straight to your ass.

Hmm.

Okay. I'm sorry.
Do you guys not say "ass"?

Sure, we do.

Come on, Bree. Show her.

So, uh, Susan tells me

That your son
is about to start college.

Mm-Hmm. We're just dealing
with some paperwork,

But he should be startin'
sometime next week.

Oh, I thought he was
already in class.

Uh, he asked julie
to tutor him in math.

Really?

Oh, that must be Katherine.

I'll get it.

Katherine? Y-You didn't say
Katherine was coming.

She's just dropping
something off.

What's the matter? You've seen
her since this mike thing.

(Voice raises)
oh, yeah... sorta.
Your voice just got very high.

You have talked to her,
haven't you?

I'm...going to.

I've just been so busy
with all the wedding plans.

Yeah, I wouldn't open
with that.

Hi.

I'm just
dropping off the menu

For the davenport
anniversary party.

You finished that? Already?
It's three months away.

Well, I have a lot of free time
on my hands these days.

Hello, Susan.

Oh!

Hi, Katherine.

How--How are you doing?

Haven't seen you in a while.
Well, I've been...

Using the back door a lot more
lately.

Katherine, your buttons...

Oh!

I don't know
where my head is anymore.

Whoa. Was it just me or was that
the most awkward moment ever?

You bet your sweet ass
it was.

Hon, could you get me
a glass of water, please?

You got it.
Thanks.

It's our first.
Yeah, I got that.

How about you?

Four at home,
two on the way.

Oh, big family.
You're so blessed.

I just can't imagine anything
better than being a mommy.

Really?

I mean, I know
it's a lot of work,

But luckily my husband
plans to be really hands-On.

Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.

Pardon?

Oh, he'll be there at first,

Maybe even
change a diaper or two

Until the novelty wears off.
But those 4:00 a.M. Feedin

He said he'd help out with?
Forget it.

Oh, you don't know my Johnny.
He's different.

Does he have boobs?

No.

Then you're
the only bar in town.

That baby can
scream into a bullhorn,

And Johnny won budge.

O-Okay.

Thanks.

I'm not done.

You see this?

You'll never
wear a bikini again.

But you've had four kids,
and you look good.

You haven't seen me naked.

Yoan stomach looks like
spanish stucco.

And my breasts resemble

Two balloons
you'd find behind the couch

A week after the party.

You know, most women say

This is the greatest experience
of their life.

Most women are liars.

My mother was liar,
and her mother was a liar,

And your mother is a liar.

It's a lie every generation
tells the next

So they can get grandchildren.
Please stop talking to me.

No, you need to hear this.
You have to be prepared.

Your children will hit you
and steal from your purse.

Your husband will begin
to buy your birthday presents

At the car wash.

And the kicker--
For the rest of your life,

There will be so many moments
when you feel lonely,

But you will never be alone.

They were out of water.

Is juice okay?

Hormones. Get used to it.

I cannot believe
we are finally going to do this.

You're not an easy woman
to pin down,

But I sure am
going to enjoy trying.

What?

This is not
what I was expecting.

Hey, I think I look pretty good
for my age.

Not you, karl. The room.

It's filthy and hideous.

Well, I took you
to a nice hotel last week,

And we had to leave
'cause you saw someone you knew.

Who we gonna run into here?
Well, certainly not
a cleaning lady.

Okay, so it's a little dusty.
But trust me,

Once I get started,
you'll never even notice.

My god, those sheets!
What's wrong with them?

They're discolored, threadbare
and reek of industrial bleach.

You give me five minutes,
they'll reek of us.

Karl, I'm not gonna lie
on that revolting sheet,

Wondering how many junkies
have died on it.

What do you want me
to do about it?

Ooh, egyptian cotton!

These are pretty, aren't they?
Great. Love 'em. Let's go.

It doesn't help when you say
that about every single set.

Bree, an hour ago,
I was half-Naked.

Now I'm sheet shopping.
Forgive me if I'm an easy sell.

I'm just not sure this color
will match the carpet.

Well, get 'em in blue.

I'll tell you what
they'll match then.

Fine. I'll take these.

Now we just need to stop
for some flowers.

Flowers?

I just want this affair
to be nice.

You know, you don't want
this affair to be nice.

You don't want it at all.

Don't be silly.
Of course I do.

You may think you do,

But I've been chasing you
for two weeks,

And you've down nothing
but throw up roadblocks.

"Not tonight." "Not this hotel."
"Not those sheets."

Karl, if you think I've been
leading you on, you're wrong.

Bree, it's not your fault.
It's just who you are.

You're a good girl
who never breaks the rules

No matter how miserable
it makes her.

I thought a little karl time
might brighten your day.

But there's not much
I can do for someone

Who would rather be good
than happy.

Can I help you?

I've got a delivery
for Susan mayer,

But she's not home.
Do you mind signing for her?

Oh. That must be her gown.

Of course I'll take it.

We do things like this
for each other all the time.

In fact, just last month,

She took in
something of mine.

Oh, god.

Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Um, Katherine, it's me.

I-I've just come over
to pick up my...

Hello, Susan.

Okay, I did not
see that coming.

It's just so beautiful.

I couldn't resist.

Well...

Thank you for taking
such good care of it.

But I should
probably go now,

So if you just wanna
slip it off and...

Oh, wait.
I have to check on my sauce.

Sauce?

Mmm!

Doesn't that smell good?

It smells done.

Why don't you step away
from the pot?

Oh, no. The secret is
you have to keep stirring.

You know,

I really love this fabric.

It feels so expensive.

It is.

That's why
they had it all protected

With that acid-Free tissue paper
and plastic garment bag.

Huh.

Maybe...

I should give you some
of this sauce to take to mike.

He used to love my sauce.

Of course,

He used to love me, too.

Okay, enough with the sauce.
I want my dress back now.

Of course. I'm sorry.
Can you please unzip me?

Mm.

It really is
a beautiful dress.

Katherine was actually
wearing the dress?

Yes! Stop blocking my light.
Keep blotting.

Ugh! Mom, relax.
We got all the sauce.

No, I still see flecks of red.
It's your third wedding.

An all-White dress
is gonna be a stretch anyway.

Do me a favor.

Save the "my mom's a slut" jokes
for the toast.

You think I should go talk to her again?
What? Why?

Well, she's obviously hurting
more than I thought.

Excuse me,
she kidnapped my wedding dress

And held a pot of sauce
to its head!

How could you possibly
defend her?

I'm not defending her. I'm just
a little concerned. Aren't you?

No! I mean...
(sighs) yes, I was.

But at this point,
I'm a little sick of her.

Do you know that when I told
people that I'm getting married,

No one says congratulations.

They all say, "oh, my god.
Is Katherine okay?

How's Katherine?"

Does no one remember
that you were with me first?

She stole my leftovers.
Does nobody remember that?

Did she just refer to me
as leftovers?

My point is that I didn't
do anything wrong.

You and I have a child,

And I am just tired
of feeling like the other woman.

Scary part is, of the two women
you could marry,

That's the stable one.

Thanks for taking me
to the store.

I promised Roy
I'd make him meatloaf.
Oh, I think it's sweet

That you found a male companion
at this stage in your life.

Roy's no companion.
The man has seen Paris.

That's right.
I'm back in the saddle.

It started one night
when Roy asked

If my bathtub
was big enough for two--

Hey! You want me to crash
the car? 'Cause I will.

Hey, aunt Gaby.

Need your car washed?

Oh! I'm aunt Gaby now?

Let me guess.
You want something.

Well, there is a party
tomorrow night...

Really?!

Okay, you can go.

Seriously?

Well, if you can make
an effort around here,

Then I guess I can, too.
Just be home by 10:00.

Yeah, that's the thing.

The party doesn't start
till 11:00.

What kind of party
starts at 11:00?

This new dance club
is opening downtown,

And it is, like, the hottest thing ever.

Everybody's going.
Not everybody.

It's a school night,
and you know the rules.

But thank you
for washing the car.

Well,
she's quite the charmer.

Do you see
what I'm dealing with?

I mean, Carlos and I basically
took her off the street.

You'd think she'd be grateful.
But every day is a battle.

I don't know how
to get through to her.

Teenage girls--They're the best
reason for not having kids.

Thank god
Roy had a vasectomy.

So based on the data given
for this population,

And using
the standard deviation formula,

What do you think
this variable is?

Would you like
to go to a movie sometime?

It's not like it would
be a date or anything.

We're friends, right?

Friends go to movies
all the time.

I don't know
if you know that.

Did you know that?

I did know that.

Okay.

Really?

That's great.

Hey, julie.
Nice to see you again.

Danny, do me a favor and take
the trash out, will ya?

Uh... can I do it
a little later?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, you could,

But I think you're gonna
do it right now.

Hey, thanks for doing that.

Doing what?

Not shooting him down.

I know he's probably not
your type.

No, I like him. He's nice.

Well, yeah, yeah,
but, uh...

Clearly not in your league.

I'm sorry you have
to work late, sweetie.

Don't worry about us.
Everything is fine here.

Good night, Ana.

Oh! Sorry.

Ana paid me $5.

# You spin me
right 'round #

# Baby, right 'round #

# Like a record, baby #

# Right 'round, 'round,
'round #

# You spin me right 'round #

Ooh! Hey, muscles.
I need a lift.

# Right 'round, 'round,
'round #

# You spin me right 'round #

Ooh! Hey!
Hands! Hands! Hands!

# Like a record, baby,
right 'round, 'round, 'rnd #

# You spin me
right 'round, baby #

# Right 'round,
like a record, baby #

# Right 'round, 'round,
'round #

Um, excuse me!

Sorry to interrupt. But can I
have your attention, please?

Hello?

Okay. Hi. My niece is somewhere
in this building.

She's got brown hair,
gold leggings, a cream top...

Which she took from my closet.

So if you could just look around
and point her out...

No, hey, hey, this is important,
okay? She's only 16.

And she came here even though
she knew she wasn't supposed to.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Either you find my niece,

Or I will call the cops
with their drug-Sniffing dogs.

Found her over here!

Here she is!
Stop. Put me down.

Somebody...

Get your hands off me.
Let me down.

God, what are you doing?
Ugh.

Thank you, everybody.

Put the music back on.

I told you
not to mess with me.

I cannot
keep doing this, Ana.

Or what?
You're gonna throw me out?

Fine.

You'd actually
be doing me a favor.

I can take care of myself.

You're 16. How exactly
are you gonna make money?

I'm... I'm gonna be a model.

A model?
Yeah.

You know, people tell me
that I'm pretty enough.

I-I will just--I'll go
to Paris or New York,

And I'll get discovered.

And I will be-I'll go
rich and famous,york,

And no one will ever
tell me what to do again.

And you really think it's
that easy to become a model?

It was for you.

What, you left home
when you were only 15.

No, I left because I had to.
My stepfather was...

Not a nice man.

My mother
didn't care about me.

My father left when I was 3,

And my mother's been in and out
of prison ever since.

I can beat you at this game.

This is not a game, Ana!
This is your life.

You can't scare me,
all right?

And I don't stay
where I'm not wanted.
Oh, don't give me that.

We feed you.
We put a roof over your head.

And you're also keeping
all your options open.

Yeah.

I heard.

Oh, good, you're back.

The girls haven't made a peep.

Gaby?

No more options.

I am now officially
your guardian.

So... what?

I'm supposed to hug you now?

No, you're not gonna want
to hug me,

Because from here on out,

I am gonna be watching you
like a hawk.

I wanna know where you are
going, who you are going with,

And when you are coming home.

And I'm gonna keep you
from ruining that life

You are so anxious
to start living.

You are so mean.

Yeah.

And I wish...

I wish...

Someone had been this mean to me
when I was your age.

Danny, look,
it's complicated.

No, it's really simple,
julie.

You only care
about yourself.

Please let me explain!
Go to hell.

Katherine said you were here.

And I thought, since you were
already in church,

We might see the pastor

And schedule
some counseling sessions.

I don't need counseling, Orson.
I need a divorce.

Don't tell me
we don't need counseling.

You've been sleeping
in the guest room for weeks.

It's not right.
I agree, and if you had

An ounce of chivalry,
you'd have given me the master.

You might think
that withholding sex

Will make me
give up on us.

But I can be very patient.

You do realize in prison,

I went three whole years
without any sex.

No, but thank you
for clearing up a question

I never quite knew
how to ask.

Bree, eight years ago,

We stood at an altar
like this,

And we made a vow before god
to love each other.

Do you think I haven't
struggled with this?

I've struggled with this in ways
you can't even begin to imagine.

Then let me help you.
I can make you happy again.

How? By blackmailing me?

I'm not your wife anymore,
Orson. I'm your captive.

Don't you feel any remorse
at all over that?

Of course I do,

But sometimes guilt

Is a small price to pay
for happiness.

There it is.
Baby number one.

Oh, my god. It was so worth
cutting class to hear this.

And... there's number two.
Good, strong heartbeats.

Isn't that great, lynette?

Yeah. Terrific.

I'll...

Get the nurse,
have her come clean you up.

Thank you.

So what's with you?

What?

That was an amazing moment,

And you just sat there
like y-You didn't even care.

I'm just tired.

Look, I know this has been
a shock,

And I'm trying to give you time,
but it's been three months.

When are you gonna start
getting excited about our kids?

What?

I don't love them.

Lynette.

Please. Don't look at me
that way.

If I can't talk to you
about this,

Then I am in big trouble.

You're just upset because...
this wasn't planned.

None of them were planned,

But I loved
each of our kids

The moment I knew
they were coming.

It's different this time.

I don't love these babies.

Stop saying that.

When you hold them
in your arms,

You will care
about these kids

Just as much
as the others.

Okay.

I think I left something
in the car. I'll see you inside.

Bree.

Orson will drink
too much today,

Like he always does at weddings.
He'll be asleep by 9:00.

Meet me at the shangrila motel
at 9:30.

And you won't
bail on me again?
I booked the room last night.

I've already changed the sheets
and cleaned the bathroom.

Kiss me.

What happened
to the good girl?

She decided guilt's

A small price to pay
for happiness.

Ahh.

Frankly, I think
it looked better on me.

Katherine.

What are you doing here?

You may have noticed that
I've been out of sorts lately,

And I just couldn't
understand why.

I mean, sure, I was dumped
by the love of my life,

But it was more than that.
(Drops bracelet)

And then it hit me.

My friend--

Who was sort of responsible
for my world imploding--

Never bothered
to cross the street

To see how I was doing.

Didn't have the...

Decency to apologize.

I am very, very--

No, not here. Out there.

In the hallway?
In your ceremony.

Everybody in town
knows you humiliated me.

I think I deserve
a public apology.

In the middle
of my wedding?

I found the perfect spot,
right here.

After the reading
of ecclesiastes

And right before
"we've only just bun."

I am not doing that.

Yes, you will,

Or I will create a scene
so ugly

Your guests will
still be talking about it

On your golden anniversary.

Okay.

But I am not happy
about this.

Aw. Try to smile anyway.

Nobody likes a grumpy bride.

Why don't we just
get this over with?

Would you mind
getting my gloves?

They're in the garment bag.

Aah!

I'm sorry.

It's just until
after the ceremony.

Susan!

And from this day forward,

You shall be
each other's home.

You shall be
each other's sanctuary.

Susan, let me out!

With this ring,

I thee wed.

Aah!

Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?

What the hell?
What are you doing here?

Susan knows.

Look, I don't know
what you want,

But I'm asking you nicely
to leave.

And if you don't,
so help me god,

I will drag you
out of this church myself.

I'm sorry. I...

I-I just wanted...

I'll go.

Katherine, wait.

Uh... oh.

Uh...
hello, everybody.

I just wanna say something.

Oh, we don't need this
on the video.

Um...

When mike asked me
to marry him...

Again,

It was one of
the happiest days of my life.

But for someone else,

It was the day
her whole world fell apart.

And I have to admit, I...

I didn't care.

In that moment,
I was a selfish person,

And I chose my happiness.

But I want you all to know

That I am truly sorry

For changing her path.

And I hope

That Katherine mayfair
finds happiness

And can find it in her heart
to forgive me...

And be my friend again.

I hope that helped.

Honestly...

It didn't.

Where the hell is danny?

He left the wedding two hours
ago and he's not in his room.

He'll be home soon.
You know,
what has gotten into that kid?

He's staying out late, pickin'
fights with girls in public.

He knows better than that.
He's a teenager.

Well, go look for him.

We can't afford
to make waves here.

Everyone has to think
we are nice, normal people.

Yeah.

It's not hard
to find sin in the suburbs.

Just look behind closed doors,

And you'll find your neighbors

Cheating on their husbands....

Resenting their children...

Plotting against their friends.

But as much as we like
to talk about

The sinful things people do...

We forget there is a difference
between sin...

And evil.

Sadly, there's always someone
willing to come along

And remind us.